Katanas are Underpowered in d20

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GET OUT OF MY SHITTY WOK, YOU JAPANESE DOGS!.

Original Post[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d12 Damage
19-20 x4 Crit
+2 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)
2d10 Damage
17-20 x4 Crit
+5 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Katanas need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Explanation[edit]

This was originally posted by a weeaboo who thinks that katanas are the best weapons in existence. While the post holds a number of truths (a katana is quite sharp, but so is a scimitar), most of it is bullshit that relies on mysticism rather than a sound understanding of material science. Sit back and allow us to dissect it for you:

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now.

Having an expensive sword and two years of training does not make you an expert. Especially when Samurai caste members often train from the moment they could hold a sword.

I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.

This is unlikely; katanas have rather thick cross-sections and as such have to push aside more metal to get to the squishy bits, making them worse at penetrating armor. This is basic physics: for cutting through things you want as much power in one spot instead of having a massive cutting blade. On that note, every time you see a YouTube video that shows a rifle firing bullets at a katana only to have the bullets cleaved in half, please use your goddamn common sense and think of the reason rifle bullets shatter themselves upon hitting water when fired into a pool. The short answer is the bullets themselves have so much momentum of course they are going to shatter themselves on impact, and against a relatively thin thing like a katana the shattering will be in a cleaving form. It has been proven you can repeat the same scenario with a bullet and a shaving razor.

Tl;dr: Unless you're the Juggernaut (bitch) or Guts you ain't cutting through any shit that's not flesh and bone with a katana. Even then, you may well end up ruining the blade in short order.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

While the "years" is potentially true (though often highly romanticized; this is usually the case for honor weapons, which are made in limited numbers for the elite samurai caste-members instead of the actual samurai fighting troops), the "million" folds is bullshit. What's more, this is a disadvantage more than anything, because if a weapon took that much effort to make then having it mass-produced for entire armies is out of the question. While the metal can be folded many times, doing so a million times does not do all that much compared to doing about 20 times. It's like you're making meatbread, and you're making the end result more awesome by kneading the bread mix for eight weeks. The folding technique is to divide the carbon equally through the metal of the blade; otherwise you end up with metal that's got impurities all over the place. Japanese iron ore is traditionally rather shitty with its carbon content, so if they didn't do this the katana would not even meet the minimal durability requirements of a practical weapon. This means the folding technique is a necessary bother rather than some kind of super special awesome secret upgrade. Incidentally, while it is true that Japanese swordsmiths started folding around 1000 CE—having learned the technique from the Chinese—the Celts had been doing it since 700 BCE, two millennia earlier. The Vikings had mastered this technique as well, having allegedly learned it from various Central Asian civilizations, which eventually culminated in the creation of the exquisite Ulfberht. By around 1000 CE, Europeans no longer bothered with it, due to improved steel quality.

Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too.

The problem with metal is that the harder the metal is, the more brittle it is, as less ductility means less opportunity for the blade to distribute the force it suffers while striking, via deformation. Thus, since all the striking force is concentrated on that single point alone, with no way to even it out, it's more likely that the metal's integrity will fail to a point where it will simply shatter. It's kind of like punching window glass, which like hard metal is brittle and not ductile, repeatedly; the glass will eventually shatter due to similar reasons.

A hard blade maintains a sharp edge but it chips easily, whereas a soft edge is less sharp but is easier to repair and is overall less brittle. You do not want a sword that is made from very hard metal: the moment you strike something or someone you risk having your sword snap in half, meaning you're screwed. You do not want a very soft sword either: it would pretty much fold in half upon striking a target. Some swords are made to utilize this aspect, and refrain from use STRIKING motions but rather slicing nicks. Even when laminating (layering) the metals you use, you get a weapon that can be of very high quality, but not as extreme as "three times as hard/sharp." Unless you are a wizard, this simply is not possible.

Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Unless you have arms like Zangief from Street Fighter or happen to be dæmonically possessed by a malevolent entity, you're not going to slice a fully armored knight in half. Even a heavy battle axes, which is designed for chopping through armor using its massive weight and blade, cannot hope to do this. It will penetrate the plate armor and give the wearer a serious wound with the right amount of force and momentum, but it won't cleave right through the knight in question. Granted, you might slice an arm or a head off with some precision and good momentum since armor on the limbs and neck are usually thinner, or only protected by their mail vests, and the flesh and bone around those parts there are neither as thick nor as dense as the ones found on a torso, but that's about as much dismemberment you get. The same for the katana.

Knights had this tendency to fight from horseback: the footmen were high-paid commoners. You and your two-handed sword don't have the reach nor chopping power. Also, while samurai also fought on horseback, much like knights, they tended to brandish their spears, polearms, and bows first and only resorted to their swords in a duel between enemy leaders or as a sidearm if they happen to lose their long pointy sticks, much like knights. And this is all assuming we're not taking guns into account; by the time katanas were widespread throughout the samurai, black powder firearms were less than a century away.

Even then, you're not going to cut a fully-armored knight in half: disregarding the objections from the guy himself you simply cannot cut through armor like that. This is not you being a pussy: this is physics. Even if you could force your body to move with enough speed and strength to do so you'd probably break your arms or catch fire or something from the strain/energy involved. If you are facing with someone in full plate you'd be better served with a war pick, a hammer or another weapon designed to pierce or otherwise circumvent the armor through brute force. Plate armor is good at keeping swords away—it's what it was designed for. It is true that they could cut through Japanese armors, but that is less the quality of the sword and more about the armor being made of leather in a lamellar pattern.

And lastly, the myth of a single masterwork sword cutting suits of armor in half can be found in every steel-working civilization the world over, not just Japan.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction.

Or they were smart enough to avoid the classic blunder of fighting a land war in Asia. Remember that going to war with Japan during this time period would mean trekking across all of mainland Russia and China to get to Korea, then building boats and going from there (which, as the Mongols discovered, is not a very smart idea). Not to mention the logistical nightmare or the reason anyone in Europe would want to do that. An army fights on its stomach, and imagine stretching supply lines that long, making it ever more prone to bandits and other dangers.

Also, when the Mongols, Chinese and Koreans were being invaded constantly by Japan, throughout centuries no-less; yet they still easily defeated them on land through use of firearms and grenades. Back then, samurai were stupid little fucks who went in front of an army to address their origin and titles blah blah and fought with the other guy samurai with equally unnecessarily flowery armor. Samurai are the warrior-equivalent of marsupials; they developed in isolation and never faced the cultural mosh-pit of Europe and Asia that would have otherwise forced them to adopt more practical methods (i.e., shields). They never had experience fighting a war like it was fought on the main continent; as soon as they came forward to address the Chinese they were laughed at and got a cannonball greeting. The men aren't there to die stupid deaths just for a romanticized line in a novel or a general to pin another a medal on his chest. Because winning the war is hardly the end of it: every man standing and not reduced to a rotting carcass or crip is going home and resuming to be a part of your national production, especially when technology played far less roles than today in improving the overall production. But I digress.

Plus few people know that ever since their first appearance, samurai actually are shown using huge ass bows from horseback more often than fighting up close, and if they did they often resorted to naginata (halberds) or yari (spears), with the katana being a weapon of last resort. So much for katana + samurai fanwank.

For the samurai the katana was more of a spiritual weapon stemming from Buddhist principles: by mastering the sword one masters oneself. This creates an interesting comparison between how weapons in the East and West are seen: for a knight his arming sword was but a tool, but for a samurai a katana was an extension of the self. (Japan is hardly a good example to represent all of Asia or even East Asia. Japan is as the island weirdo as the British are among European countries. Japan is a special case in Asia where militants were always in power. In the mainland, either money or scholarliness earned you a position in society, as it should; a man worshiping a tool that kills would easily have been seen as a barbarous dumbass or bandit. Carrying a sword around would get you arrested for "militant attempt to raise arms to overthrow the authority" just like you would also be today if you were walking around with guns. And after Japan was united and the feudal age ended in the 16th century, peace-time samurai officials became more and more like modern-day office workers; they still carried at least wooden swords for signs of their office though. But again I digress.)

To further dismiss this katana/Japanese fanwank, after the entirety of the Japanese united during the Edo period, there was a marked decline of the samurai due to Japan not having strife with constant internal warfare, thus the role of the samurai (as said before) has been turned into a more political entity. And with the arrival of firearms... Furthermore, in response on the notion of "Europeans don't want to invade Japan because Samurai=Awesome!", before the First Sino–Japanese war, Japan has constantly tried to invade/go to war with China, but FAILING it in the process, similar to Failbaddon's "Crusades". There was a reason why nobody took the Japanese seriously before 1895, with the Chinese mocking/being complete dicks to them and the Europeans looking down at them.

With that in mind, neither of them used those swords as their primary battlefield weapon.

Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.

Or because they were the enemy leadership and killing them upset the chain of command and demoralize the troops on the ground, on top of their stubborn tendency to march before the grunts they were leading simply because it looked cooler (such things were often top priority in the Imperial Japanese Army, as it was headed by men who would make Boreale cry tears of joy). World War I armies that were outdated 3 decades ago? When they are leading a BANZAAAAAAIII!!! charge? With bayoneted rifles with no bullets and no armor support? Into the lines of the best-equipped and best-fed army in the world backed by the best industry, equipped with SMGs and semi-auto standard issue rifles, and grenades that—surprise, surprise—don't explode the moment you pull the pin?

It should also be noted the "military katana" issued for officers at this time aren't too far from a decorative sword given an edge and point, used more for symbolism and scaring their own soldiers than any practical use in combat.

Furthermore, the best katanas at that time were carved from railroad tracks since the fucking Chinese were blowing up every—single—thing that the Japanese were thought to get their short, grubby little hands on. These should give you a nice idea of the overall quality of said weapons (read: not very high). Further hilarity includes Chinese Dadao swords (which are like giant meat-cleavers/sabers) LOLstopping Japanese officers with katanas, and sometimes even breaking the damn katana in the process (to further give you the clue on hilarity, the Dadao itself was made from railroad tracks and it was mass produced too, meaning every Chinese soldier was equipped with one).

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system.

They really aren't. They're not bad, they're just not the end-all sharp metal stick that they are hyped to be. They were good for the local needs of the land of their origin, having only to deal with foes with light armor or overly flowery lamellar armor that folded like so much origami when not worn on a body. And we deserve a better system than d20.

I'll give katanas this, though. Both Chinese and Korean generals, their coastlines suffering from rampant Japanese pirate raids, saw merit in katanas and incorporated them in their armories. But its just one weapon among many, since you're still talking to guys who have rocket launchers, guns, bombs, grenades, mines, flamethrowers and automatons, so a simple sword is all "meh" to the Chinese/Koreans. It's funny because apparently there was no such thing as "hype" for them: its just a noteworthy weapon that has its uses. Little did they know some weird West-folk (and sadly, most of the populace brainwashed by Hollywood if not just anime) in the 20th century would buy into some fantasy where they would jump at the opportunity to replace entire national armories with only katanas... much to the Chinese's eternal dismay.

Here's a British wanker fellow talking some more about katanas

Katanas are Overpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Katanas deserve much worse than that. Much, much worse than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 120 Yen (that's about $1) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can't even cut wooden boards with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce some of the biggest pieces of shit known to mankind.

Katanas are barely half as sharp as European swords and half as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can't cut through at all. I'm pretty sure a katana would break trying to cut a knight wearing full plate with any kind of slash.

Ever wonder why feudal Japan never bothered conquering Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Knights and their Oakeshott types X through XXII of destruction. Even in World War II, Japanese soldiers targeted the men with the mamelukes first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the worst sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require worse stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d4 Damage
x2 Crit
-2 to hit and damage
Can never count as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d6 Damage
x2 Crit
-1 to hit and damage
Can never count as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Katanas need to do much less in d20, see my new stat block.

Katanas are Underpowered in 4th Edition[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "bastard sword" bullshit that's going on in the 4th Edition system right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 4th Edition system. Here is the stat block I propose for katanas:

(Superior One-Handed Melee Weapon)
2d10 base damage
+5 proficiency bonus
Heavy blade, light blade (counts as both)
High crit, off-hand, reach, versatile

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of katanas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Katanas need to do more damage in 4th Edition, see my new stat block.

Bastard Swords are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Katanas" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Bastard Swords deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Bastard Sword in Germany for 10,000 Euros (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Bastard Sword.

European smiths spend years working on a single Bastard Sword and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Bastard Swords are thrice as sharp as Japanese swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Daisho can cut through, a Bastard Sword can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Bastard Sword could easily bisect a samurai wearing pieces of wood for armor with a simple horizontal slash.

Ever wonder why Japan never bothered conquering Medieval Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Knights and their Bastard Swords of destruction. Even in World War II, Japanese soldiers targeted the men with the Bastard Swords first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Bastard Swords are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bastard Swords:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Bastard Swords in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bastard Swords need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Crossbows are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Heavy Crossbow" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Crossbows deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine crossbow in Germany for 4,500 Euro (that's about £2000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even pierce slabs of solid steel with my crossbow.

European smiths spend days working on a single crossbow and test it up to two dozen times to produce the finest peasant weapon known to mankind.

Crossbows are thrice as easy to train in as European swords and thrice as deadly for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a crossbow can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a crossbow could easily pierce the lung of a knight wearing full plate with a simple trigger pull.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering medieval Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Crossbowmen and their implements of destruction. Even in the Fifteenth Century, the Vatican had banned crossbows as a weapon of terror because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Crossbows are simply the best ranged weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Crossbows:

Light Crossbow (Two-Handed Martial Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Range 200ft

Heavy Crossbow (Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Range 280ft

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Crossbows in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Crossbows need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Macuahuitl are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Macuahuitl deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine macuahuitl in Tenochtitlan for two goats and three sacks of cacao beans (that's about $6,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my macuahuitl.

Aztec smiths spend weeks working on a single macuahuitl and sharpen the edges up to a dozen times to produce the finest weapons known to mankind.

Macuahuitl are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter to. Anything a longsword can cut through, a macuahuitl can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a macuahuitl could easily chop a Spanish conquistador, his horse, and their plate armor in half with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Central America? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Aztecs and their macuahuitl of destruction. Even in the sixteenth century, Spanish explorers targeted the macuahuitl-wielding Aztecs with smallpox-infected blankets first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Macuahuitl are simply the best swords that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for macuahuitl:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of macuahuitl in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Macuahuitl need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Tomahawks are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Hand Axe" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Tomahawks deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Tomahawk in northern New Mexico for 200 blue beads (that's about $10) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my tomahawk.

Apache smiths spend years working on a single tomahawk and barter the steel for it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Tomahawks are thrice as sharp as European axes and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a battle-axe can cut through, a tomahawk can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a tomahawk could easily bisect a colonist wearing officer's full dress with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering the Americas? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined warriors and their tomahawks of destruction. Even in World War II, Canadian soldiers targeted the men with the tomahawks first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Tomahawk are simply the best axes that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Tomahawks:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Tomahawks in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Tomahawks need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Khopeshes are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Khopeshes deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine khopesh in Egypt for 500,000 Egyptian pounds (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my khopesh.

Egyptian smiths spend years working on a single khopesh and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Khopeshes are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a khopesh can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a khopesh could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Egypt? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Egyptian warriors and their khopeshes of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the khopeshes first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Khopeshes are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Khopeshes:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Khopeshes in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Khopeshes need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Bullwhips are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Scourge" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Bullwhips deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine bullwhip in Cairo for 2,400,000 Egyptian Pounds (that's about $20) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even knock free slabs of solid rock with my bullwhip.

Various smiths spend days working on a single bullwhip and braid it up to a million times to produce the finest whips known to mankind.

Bullwhips are thrice as keen as European whips and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a horsewhip can cut through, a bullwhip can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a bullwhip could easily really fucking injure a Kraut wearing a dubious disguise with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Nazi Germany never bothered conquering England? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined archeologists and their bullwhips of destruction. Even in The Last Crusade, Germans soldiers targeted the men with the bullwhips first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Bullwhips are simply the best whips that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bullwhips:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(While wearing a Fedora hat) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Bullwhips in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bullwhips need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Lightsabers are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "A More Elegant Weapon of a Civilized Time" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Lightsabers deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine lightsaber on Ord Mantell for 2,400,000 Imperial Credits (that's about $18) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my lightsaber.

Jedi smiths spend years working on a single lightsaber and refocus the crystal up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Lightsabers are thrice as sharp as Kaminoan vibroblades and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a vibrosword can cut through, a lightsaber can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a lightsaber could easily bisect a Imperial Officer wearing a fetching black uniform with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Empire never bothered conquering all known space? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Jedi and their lightsabers of destruction. Even in the Galactic Civil War, Imperial soldiers targeted the men with the lightsabers first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Lightsabers are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Lightsabers:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Lightsabers in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Lightsabers need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Serrated Axes are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Saw" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Serrated axes deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine serrated axe on /tg/ for 2,000 Internets (that's about $0) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid adamantium with my serrated axe.

D&D smiths spend years working on a single serrated axe and add serrations about up to a million times to produce the finest weapons known to mankind.

Serrated axes are thrice as sharp as normal axes and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything an axe can cut, a serrated axe can cut better. I'm pretty sure a serrated axe could easily decapitate a neutronium golem with a simple horizontal slash.

Ever wonder why 40k never bothered conquering D&D? That's right, they were too scared to fight the Barbarians and their serrated axes of destruction. Even during some weird-ass crossover war, non-serrated-axe-wielders targeted the men with the serrated axes first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Serrated axes are simply the best weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for the serrated axe:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 19-20 x4 +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 17-20 x4 +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of serrated axes in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Sage needs to do more damage in this thread, see my new stat block.

Shovels are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bayonet" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Shovels deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine military shovel in base camp for $15 (that's about 1500 pennies) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my shovel.

American smiths spend years working on a single shovel and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Shovels are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a shovel can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a shovel could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why WWII Germany never bothered conquering America? That's right, they were too scared to fight our disciplined soldiers and their shovels of destruction. In World War II, German soldiers targeted the men with the shovels first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Shovels are simply the best weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for shovels:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of shovels in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Shovels need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Monk Fists are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Fighters-only Monkey Grip feat" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Monks deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a genuine monk in Tibet for 24 goats (that's about $3) and have been practicing with him for almost 2 years now. I can even break slabs of solid steel with his simple technique.

Tibetan monks spend years working on a single finger and exercise it up to a million times to produce the finest hands known to mankind.

Tibetan hands are thrice as strong as European hands and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a knight's gauntlet can cut through, a monk's hands can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a monk could easily decapitate a knight wearing full plate with a half-hearted uppercut.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Tibet? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined monks and their fists of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted unarmed monks first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Fists are simply the best weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for monk fists:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the rip-and-tearing power of fists in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Monk fists need to do more damage, see my new stat block.

Sage is Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "age" bullshit that's going on in this thread right now. Sage deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine sage in 4chan for 2,400,000 Internets (that's about $0) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even sage threads of solid awesome with my sage.

Weeaboo fags spend years working on a single sage and type it up to a million times to produce the finest sage known to mankind.

Sage is thrice as sharp as age and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything an age can bump, a sage can unbump better. I'm pretty sure a sage could easily sage the most epic thread in the universe with four letters.

Ever wonder why /co/ never bothered conquering /a/? That's right, they were too scared to fight the weeaboo fags and their sage of destruction. Even during the re/b/oot, Moderators targeted the men with the sage first because their sageing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Sage is simply the best thing that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in this thread. Here is the stat block I propose for sage:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Sage 19-20 x4 More Sage +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Sage 17-20 x4 More Sage +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of Sage in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Sage needs to do more damage in this thread, see my new stat block.

Optimus Prime is Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Transformer" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Optimus Prime deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine copy of every episode of Transformers in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been watching them for almost 2 years now. I can even cut fanboys of solid fat with my Transformers knowledge.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single Optimus Prime toy and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest toy known to mankind.

Optimus Prime is thrice as sharp as other Transformers and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything Megatron can cut through, Optimus Prime can cut through better. I'm pretty sure Optimus Prime could easily bisect a Decepticon wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Decepticons never bothered conquering Earth? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Autobots and their Optimus Prime of destruction. Even in World War II, Megatron targeted Optimus Prime first because his killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Optimus Prime is simply the best Transformer that the world has ever seen, and thus, requires better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Optimus Prime:

(One-Handed Transformer) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Transformer) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Optimus Prime in the show, don't you think?

tl;dr = Optimus Prime needs to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Bishops are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Knight" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Bishops deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Bishop in Russia for 13,000 Rubles (that's about $500) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid Deep Blue with my Bishop.

Russian smiths spend years working on a single Bishop and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest pieces known to mankind.

Bishops are thrice as sharp as European Knights and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a knights can cut through, a bishop can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a bishop could easily bisect a knight wearing full pawns with a simple diagonal slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Russia? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Kasparov and their bishops of destruction. Even in World War II, German soldiers targeted the men with the bishops first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Bishops are simply the best piece that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bishop:

(One-Handed Exotic Piece) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Piece) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Bishop in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bishops need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Cats are Overpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Can Kill Commoners" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Cats deserve much worse than that. Much, much worse than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine cat in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been punting it like a goddamn football for almost 2 years now. I can't even cut slabs of solid butter with my cat.

Older, more virile cats spend months incubating a single cat and give birth up to a million times to produce the weakest animals known to mankind.

Humans are three size categories larger than cats and have thrice the STR for that matter too. Anything a cat can cut through, a human can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a human could easily bisect a cat wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval cats never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined humans and their shoes of destruction. Even in World War II, American cats targeted the men first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Cats are simply the worst animal that the world has ever seen, and thus, require worse stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for cats:

CAT Tiny Animal Hit Dice: 1/4 d8 (1 hp)

Attack: Claw +4 melee (1d20-19*) Full Attack: 2 claws +4 melee (1d20-19*) and bite –1 melee (1d20-19*)

- cats deal a minimum of 0 damage on their damage rolls.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of cats in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Cats need to do less damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Duct Tape is Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "150ft Rope" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Duct Tape deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a genuine roll of Duct Tape from Wal-Mart for 600 pennies (that's about $6) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even build skyscrapers of solid steel with my Duct Tape.

Underpaid factory machines spend minutes working on a single roll of Duct Tape and roll it up to a million times to produce the finest adhesive tape known to mankind.

Duct Tape is thrice as powerful as rope and thrice as thin for that matter too. Anything a rope can bind, Duct Tape can bind better. I'm pretty sure Duct Tape could easily bind a knight wearing full plate with a simple 3 layer wrap.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Wal-Mart? That's right, they were too scared to fight the elderly door greeters and their Duct Tape of binding. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with Duct Tape first because their prisoner taking power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Duct Tape is simply the best holding item that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Duct Tape:

(70 foot roll) up to 1000lbs of weight indefinitely 2000lbs for 6d10+4 turns 45DC strength escape Counts as Masterwork

(200ft "Value" roll) OVER NINE-THOUSAND pounds indefinitely 100,000lbs for d10 months 75DC strength escape Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the binding power of Duct Tape in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Duct Tape need to hold more weight in d20, see my new stat block.

Bolters are Underpowered in 40k[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Default Weapon" bullshit that's going on in the 40k system right now. Bolters deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine bolter in Mars for 3 minutes of sex with the Fabricator-General (that's about $800,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even make slabs of solid plasteel disappear with my bolter.

Adeptus Mechanicus smiths spend years working on a single bolter and test it up to a million times to produce the finest guns known to the Imperium.

Bolters are thrice as shooty as laser weapons and thrice as accurate for that matter too. Anything a lascannon can shoot through, a bolter can shoot through better. I'm pretty sure a bolter could easily punch a hole through a Carnifex with an Extended Carapace with a simple trigger pull.

Ever wonder why the C'tan never bothered conquering the Imperium? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Space Marines and their bolters of destruction. Even in the War in Heaven, C'tan soldiers targeted the Marines with the bolters first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Bolters are simply the best weapon that the universe has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bolters:

(Boltgun) 72' Range S9 AP1 Assault 9 Melta Blast Sniper Rending Lance Ignores Invulnerable Saves

(Heavy Bolter) 96' Range S9 AP1 Assault 9 Melta Blast Sniper Rending Lance Ignores Invulnerable Saves

Now that seems a lot more representative of the dakka power of Bolters in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bolters need to do more damage in 40k, see my new stat block.

Lasguns are Underpowered in 40k[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Master Crafted Flashlight" bullshit that's going on in the 40k system right now. Lasguns deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself received a lasgun when I completed my training (that's about 40 minutes) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even melt through slabs of plasteel with my lasgun.

Adeptus Mechanicus smiths spend seconds using an STC to make a single lasgun and don't even bother testing it to produce the finest guns known to the Imperium.

Lasguns are thrice as shooty as bolt weapons and thrice as accurate for that matter too. Anything a vulcan mega bolter can shoot through, a lasgun can shoot through better. I'm pretty sure a lasgun could easily vaporize a Carnifex with an Extended Carapace with a simple trigger pull.

Ever wonder why Abaddon never succeeded in taking Cadia? That's right, he was too scared to fight the disciplined Imperial Guard and their lasguns of destruction. Even in the 13th black crusade, Chaos soldiers targeted the Guardsmen with the lasguns first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Lasguns are simply the best weapon that the universe has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Lasguns:

(Lasgun) 72' Range S9 AP1 Assault 9 Melta Blast Sniper Rending Lance Ignores Invulnerable Saves

(Lascannon) 96' Range S:D/D/D AP1/1/1 Assault 9+2D6 Apocalyptic Mega-blast Barrage

Now that seems a lot more representative of the dakka power of lasguns in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Lasguns need to do more damage in 40k, see my new stat block. (Or, failing that, the rules for the Lucian Pattern Hellgun in the Rogue Trader RPG.)

Deze Shootaz Need More Dakka[edit]

Oy, ya ignorant gitz. I's sick of all dis "puny dakka" wot been goin' on in me WAAAGH right now. Shootaz is more dakka den dat. Gobs more dakka.

If some git don't think I know what I'm talking about, I'll crump 'im good. I got me a Shoota from a Mekboy fer loadz uv teef (an' I mean loadz) and 'ave been blasty wid it for a real long time now. I can even crump a Squiggoth wiv it.

Bad Moon Mekboyz spend minnitz workin' on just one Shoota an dey put up to a million gubbinz on it to produce the finest Shootas known to da orkz.

Shootaz is lots more shooty than 'umie gunz and lots more 'ard, too. Anything a 'umie can shoot, a boy with a Shoota can shoot betta. I's bettin' all my teef that a Shoota could take down a Titan wit' no problem.

Wanna know why dem Beaky Boyz can't evah beat Orks in battle? Dat's right, cuz dey's scared of Shootaz. Even at Armor-geddum, da 'umies shot da boyz wiv Shootas first. Dat's coz Shootaz 'ave loads uv dakka and dey know it.

So wot, you sez? I'll tell you wot, ya stupid git. Shootas is da most dakka dere evah was, an' we need real wunz, not dese puny fings. 'ere'z wot dey need:

More Dakka Iron Gobz More Dakka Dakka Spikez Fixa Grot Red paint Stikkbomb Chucka Shootier Blasta More Dakka Bolt-on Burna Bolt-on Rokkit Launcha Turbo Boosta Big Grabba Bolt-on Big Shoota More Dakka Ammo Squig WAAAGH Beer WAAAAAAGH

Now dat's wot I call a Shoota.

Da short uv it is, Shootaz need more dakka.

World War 2 First Person Shooters[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Counter-Strike" bullshit that's going right now. WW2 games deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine WW2 FPS in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing on it for almost 2 years now. I can even spawn camp and wall hax in my WW2 FPS.

Overworked programmers spend monthss working on a single FPS and write up to a million lines of code to produce the finest games known to mankind.

World War 2 FPSs are thrice as cool as Counter Strike and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a CS player can snipe, a WW2 gamer can snipe better. I'm pretty sure you could easily snipe a knight wearing full plate playing a WW2 first person shooter.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering the World War 2 game market? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined game fags and their World War 2 game servers of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men who had played WW2 first person shooters first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? WW2 FPSs are simply the best games that the world has ever seen

Women are Underpowered in D20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Man" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Women deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine woman in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with her for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with her teeth.

Japanese parents spend years working on a single woman and send her to school and training dojos up to a million times to produce the finest gender known to mankind.

Women are thrice as sharp as men and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a man can cut through, a woman can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a woman could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple cutting remark.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering the Amazon? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Amazon people and their women of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the women first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Women are simply the best gender that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Women:

+4 to all ability scores, 25% EXP bonus

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Women in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Women need to do more in d20, see my new stat block.

Woomera are underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Boomerang" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Woomeras deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine woomera in Murray country for 20 Winnie Blues (that's about three longnecks) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can pierce slabs of solid beer with my woomera hurled spears.

Drunken abbos spend a couple of afternoons bludging on a single woomera and beg for smokes up to a fifty times to produce the finest spear accelorator known to mankind.

Woomera are thrice as hurly as Koori boomerangs and thrice as attractive for that matter too. Anything a boomerang can hit, a woomera can hit better. I'm pretty sure a woomera could easily hurl a spear to penetrate a petrol sniffing sexually abused child with a simple hurling motion.

Ever wonder why Kooris never bothered conquering Murray country? That's right, they were too drunk. But if they weren't they'd be scared to fight the drunk Murrays and their woomeras of hurling. Even in World War II, Koories and Murrays were drunk because they were abbos.

So what am I saying? Woomera are simply the best pre-agricultural hurling weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for woomera:

Javelin / throwing-spear range and damage enhancer. At least 5 more damage than any fucking throwing club.

Only available from drunken boongs.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of woomera in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Woomera need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Gothic Fullplate is underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "+8 AC" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Gothic plate armour deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine suit of Gothic plate in Hamburg for 2,400,000 Euros (that's about nine billion Pesos) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even absorb slabs of solid steel with my Gothic plate.

German smiths spend years working on a single suit of armour and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest armour known to mankind. Gothic plate is thrice as fluted as Asian lamellar and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything an ō-yoroi can deflect, Gothic plate can deflect better. I'm pretty sure a suit of Gothic plate would split a katana in half, regardless of which kind the slash is.

Ever wonder why Japan never bothered conquering medieval Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined knights and their indestructible Gothic plate. Even in World War II, Japanese soldiers targeted the men in the Gothic plate first because their staying power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Gothic plate is simply the best armour that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Gothic plate:

+12 AC, immune to critical hits, counts as Masterwork, DR10/-

Now that seems a lot more representative of the defensive power of Gothic plate in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Full Plate needs more defense in d20, see my new stat block.

Fa/tg/uys are Underpowered in D20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork /b/tard" bullshit that's going on in the 4d20 system right now. Fa/tg/uys deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine fa/tg/uy in 4chan for 2,400,000 gp (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut Nobolis rulebooks with my fa/tg/uy.

4chan trolls spend years working on a single fa/tg/uy and provoke it up to a million times to produce the most rage-prone posters known to mankind.

Fa/tg/uys are thrice as angry as /v/irgins and thrice as grammar nazi-ing for that matter too. Anything a /v/irgin can rage over, a fa/tg/uy can rage over even harder. I'm pretty sure a fa/tg/uy could easily derail a /v/ thread with a simple single-line troll post.

Ever wonder why medieval /d/ never bothered buggering /tg/? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined fa/tg/uys and their rulebook citations of destruction. Even in World War II, /co/mrades targeted the fa/tg/uy first because their trolling power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Fa/tg/uys are simply the best trolls that the internet has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 4d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for fa/tg/uys:

(One-Handed Exotic Poster) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Poster) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the trolling power of fa/tg/uys on the internet, don't you think?

tl;dr = Fa/tg/uys need to do more damage in 4d20, see my new stat block.

Viking War Axes are Underpowered in D20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Battle Axe" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Viking War Axes deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Viking War Axe from Denmark for 100,000 Kroner (that's about $17,397.05) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Viking War Axe.

Viking smiths spend years working on a single War Axe and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Viking War Axes are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a Viking War Axe can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Viking War Axe could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Scandanavia? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Vikings and their Viking War Axes of destruction. Even during the Battle of Hastings, English soldiers targeted the men with the Viking War Axes first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Viking War Axe are simply the best weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Viking War Axe:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Viking War Axes in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Viking War Axes need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Rocks are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Chunk of Granite" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Rocks deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine rock from Berlin Wall for 2,400,000 Euros (that's about 20,875,000 Yuans) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even smash blocks of solid steel with my rock.

Dwarf master stonecutters spend decades working on a single rock and polish it up to a million times to produce the smoothest, deadliest stone weapons known to mankind.

Polished rocks are thrice as blunt as common Danube riverbed pebbles and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a warhammer can smash through, a rock can break through better. I'm pretty sure such rock could easily break a knight wearing full plate in two with a single deadly swing.

Ever wonder why medieval Native Americans never bothered conquering Holy Roman Empire? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined paladins and their deadly Blessed Stones of Smiting. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the rocks first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Rocks are simply the deadliest weapons that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for rocks:

(Superior One-Handed Melee Weapon)
Natural Keen weapon (17-20X2)
2d12 base damage
+5 proficiency bonus
+3 universal familiarity bonus
Superior Bashing (+2 pt./Lv To-Hit bonus to smash open doors, chests, barrels or similar; +1 pt./Lv To-Hit bonus when aiming at scull (beings without a head, such as oozes, are immune to these effects))
Heavy rock, light rock (counts as both)
High crit, off-hand, reach, spec. thrown (+5 To-Hit bonus), versatile

Now that seems a lot more representative of the pulverizing raw power of rocks in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Rocks need to do more damage in d20 system, see my new stat block.

ERPPCs are underpowered in Clan Systems[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "LosTech PPC" bullshit that's going on in the Clan systems right now. ERPPCs deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine ERPPC in Hesperus II for 300,000 C-Bills (that's about BV412) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even destroy an Assault Mech with my ERPPC.

Defiance Industries spend years working on a single ERPPC and add up to a million coils to produce the finest energy weapons known to mankind. ERPPCs are thrice as long-ranged as Inner Sphere ones and thrice as powerful for that matter too. Anything a PPC can cut through, a ERPPC can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a ERPPC could easily bisect a AS7-D wearing CASE with a simple CT critical.

Ever wonder why the freebirth scum never bothered conquering Clan Jade Falcon? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Masakaris and their ERPPCs of destruction. Even in the Civil War, Inner Sphere soldiers targeted the mechs with the ERPPCs first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? ERPPCs are simply the best energy weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Clan systems. Here is the stat block I propose for ERPPCs:

(Clan Energy Weapon, Level 2) 40 Damage, Range 10/20/30/40, +2 to Hit at all ranges, 1 Heat

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of ERPPCs in real life, don't you think? tl;dr = ERPPCs need to do more damage on Clan Omnimechs, see my new stat block.

Zaku are underpowered in Universal Century[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Gundam" bullshit that's going on in the UC timeline right now. Zakus deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Zaku from Anaheim Electronics for 2,400,000 Earth Federation Credits (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even blow up slabs of solid Luna Titanium with my Zaku.

Zeonic engineers spend years working on a single Zaku and tune it up to a million times to produce the finest Mobile Suits known to mankind.

Zakus are thrice as fast as Feddie MSs and thrice as armored for that matter too. Anything a GM beam saber can cut through, a Zaku heat hawk can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Zaku could easily bisect a MSZ-006 Zeta Gundam with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Titans never bothered bossing Zeon around? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Zeonic MS pilots and their Zakus of destruction. Even in One Year War, Feddie pilots targeted the men in the Zakus first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Zakus are simply the best Mobile Suits that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Zakus:

(MS-06F Zaku II) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(MS-06F Zaku II Kai) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the destructive power of Zaku in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Zaku need to do more damage in UC, see my new stat block.

Valkyries are underpowered in Macross[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Nousjadeul-Ger" bullshit that's going on in Macrossverse right now. Valkyries deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine VF-1J Valkyrie on Earth for 2,400,000 UN$ (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even sink a New Macross-class colonization ship in my Valkyrie.

UN Spacy engineers spend years working on a single Valkyrie and test-flight it up to a million times to produce the finest variable fighters known to mankind.

Valkyries are thrice as fast as Zentraedi battlesuits and their armor is thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Queadluun-Rea can fly through, a Valkyrie can fly through better. I'm pretty sure a Valkyrie pilot could easily gut a large-size Vajra with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Zentraedi tried conquering Earth? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined humans and their Valkyries of destruction. Even in Space War I, Zentraedi soldiers targeted the men in the Valkyries first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Valkyries are simply the best variable fighter that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Macrossverse. Here is the stat block I propose for Valkyries:

(VF-1J Valkyrie) Performance: Battroid Mode: maximum walking speed 160 km/h Fighter Mode: at 10,000 m Mach 2.71; at 30,000+ m Mach 3.87 GERWALK Mode: maximum walking speed 100 km/h; flying 500 km/h

(VF-1S Valkyrie) Performance: Battroid Mode: maximum walking speed 160 km/h Fighter Mode: at 10,000 m Mach 2.71; at 30,000+ m Mach 3.87 GERWALK Mode: maximum walking speed 100 km/h; flying 500 km/h

Now that seems a lot more representative of the destructive power of Valkyries in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Valkyries need to do more damage in Macrossverse, see my new stat block.

Paleolithic Spear Drivers are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Javelin" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Paleolithic spear drivers deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine rock from a museum for 2,400,000 Euros (2,300 000 fine for stealing, 1 99 950 euros for breaking windows, alarm system and other things and 50 for bribing a guy in prison so he would look the other way while I was picking up the soap) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even smash blocks of solid steel with my spear driver.

Paleolithic age hunters spend hours working on a single spear driver and cut it up to a million times to produce the deadliest wooden weapons known to mankind.

spear drivers are thrice as powerful as common javelins and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a javelin can smash through, a spear driver can break through better. I'm pretty sure such spear driver could easily break a knight wearing full plate in two with a throw.

Ever wonder why medieval Europeans never bothered conquering Paleolithic Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined hunters and their deadly spear drivers. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the spear drivers first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? spear driversare simply the deadliest weapons that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for rocks:

(Superior ranged Weapon)
2d12 base damage
+5 proficiency bonus
+3 universal familiarity bonus
High crit, off-hand, reach, spec. thrown (+5 To-Hit bonus), versatile

Now that seems a lot more representative of raw power of Spear drivers in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Rocks need to do more damage in d20 system, see my new stat block.

River Tams are underpowered in D20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Summer Glau" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. River Tams deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine River Tam from a secret Alliance lab for 20,000 Cashey Money (10,000 platinum or 15,000 credits) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even smash solid Reavers with my River Tam.

Insane Alliance scientists spend months working on a single River Tam and mess with its dreams up to a million times to produce the deadliest psychic human weapons known to mankind.

River Tams are thrice as powerful as common Summer Glaus and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Summer Glau can smash through, a River Tam can break through better. I'm pretty sure such River Tam could easily break a Reaver Ship into component pieces given a few minutes and a Fruity Oaty Bar commercial.

Ever wonder why The Alliance never bothered conquering Serenity? That's right, they were too scared to fight the River Tam. Even in The Final Showdown, Reavers targeted the men with the River Tams first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? River Tams are simply the deadliest weapons that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for River Tams:

(Superior melee Weapon)
4d12 base damage
+20 psychic bonus
+10 universal hotness bonus
High crit, versatile, activatable by secret Alliance military code

Now that seems a lot more representative of raw power of River Tams in real life, don't you think?

Elves are underpowered in D20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "-2 Con, +2 Dex" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Elves deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Elf in the Undying Lands for 20,000 silmarils (that's about $20) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Elf.

Valar smiths spend years working on a single Elf and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest species known to mankind.

Elfs are thrice as sharp as dwarves and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a dwarf can cut through, a Elf can cut through better. I'm pretty sure an Elf could easily bisect a balrog wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Melkor never bothered conquering the Undying Lands? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Valar and their Elves of destruction. Even in the War of Wrath, Orc soldiers targeted the Elves first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Elves are simply the best race that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Elves:

+10 Str, +10 Dex, +10 Con, +10 Int, +10 wis, +10 Cha
Three bonus feats
Three extra skills per level, with 12 at level 1
Proficiency with all simple, martial and exotic weapons
+3 caster level for any arcane or divine casting class
Infinite Lifespan
Bonus Feats: Craft Wondrous Items, Craft Arms and Armour.
Craft, Knowledge and Perform are always class skills for elves.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Elves in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Elves need better stats in d20, see my new stat block.

Daiklaves are underpowered in Exalted[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Artifact Weapon" bullshit that's going on in the Storytelling system right now. Daiklaves deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine daiklave in the Blessed Isle for 2,400 Talents of Jade (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my daiklave.

Terrestrial smiths spend years working on a single daiklave and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Daiklaves are thrice as sharp as other swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a daiklave can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a daiklave could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Underworld never bothered conquering Creation? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Terrestrials and their daiklaves of destruction. Even in the Balorian Crusade, Fair Folk cataphractoi targeted the men with the daiklaves first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Daiklaves are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Storytelling system. Here is the stat block I propose for Daiklaves:

Speed 3, Accuracy +6, Damage +6L/4, Defence +4, Rate 3, Attune 6, Tags O,P,R

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Daiklaves in Creation, don't you think?

tl;dr = Daiklaves need to do more damage in Exalted, see my new stat block.

Mead is underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Honey Beer" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Mead deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine bottle of mead in Medieval Denmark for twelve wenches (that's about $12) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid XXXX with my mead.

Viking mead-smiths spend minutes working on a single tub of mead and ferment it up to a million times to produce the finest booze known to mankind.

Mead is thrice as alcoholic as Japanese Sake and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a sake drunk can cut through, a viking can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a viking could easily drink a knight wearing full plate under the table.

Ever wonder why Vikings never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too wasted on mead to fight the disciplined Samurai and their sake of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the mead first because they wanted to drink their mead.

So what am I saying? Mead is simply the best beverage that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for mead:

Mead: Ingested DC 32; Relaxation, talkative, likable; Pillaging

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of mead in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = mead needs to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

KILLER BEES are underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "diminutive insect" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. KILLER BEES deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine hive of KILLER BEES from the Demiplane of Killer Bees for 7,000gp (that's about 3,500ep) and have been fleeing for my life for almost 2 years now. I can't even hide behind slabs of solid steel, the KILLER BEES cut through them!

Queen bees spend years working on a single bee and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest KILLER BEES known to mankind. KILLER BEES are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, KILLER BEES can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a SWARM OF KILLER BEES could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical sting.

Ever wonder why beholders never bothered conquering the Prime Material Plane? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their KILLER BEES of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the KILLER BEES first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? KILLER BEES are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for KILLER BEES

Killer Bees. Medium insect swarm (Evil) Fly 200' (Perfect) Touch attack: 20d20 bee damage, fort save dc 35 vs extreme immobilizing pain AC 25 DR 10 Bees are ethereal, And they have evasion, and they have magic resistance, And can summon more bees, and they have magic resistance, Blind-fighting, and the buzzing sound they make causes confusion as per the spell, bees have fast healing too. and they do not know fear, if you cut one in half, it becomes two more bees, And if you cut off its head it grows two more firebreathing ones, killer bees have free movement and can survive the vacuum of space, Bees are permanently hasted, And not underpowered 3rd ed Haste. Bees have 2nd ed Haste, Except they're immune to the effects of aging, and they slow their victims on a successful attack, And bee damage over comes damage reducation as a silver/cold iron/magic/evil/good/lawful/chaotic/epic weapon, Trolls can't regenerate bee damage either. Did i mention they are keen as well? And their stings are vorpal Even though they're piercing weapons. That's how bad ass they are..And those aren`t even the dire bees.

The Queen bee can gate in more bees from the plane of bees, And once per day can summon a greater bee elemental, or 2d6 lesser bee elementals. And can cast Wall of Bees.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of KILLER BEES in real life, don't you think?

The only reason the tarrasque exists is to keep bee numbers down.

tl;dr = KILLER BEES need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Banshees are underpowered in Fanwank[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Farseer Fanwank" bullshit that's going on in /tg/ right now. Howling Banshees deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself won a Howling Banshee's heart in Ulthwe with a beautiful bouquet of roses (that's about 400 thrones) and have been dating her for almost 2 years now. I can even make Daemonettes jealous with my banshee.

Banshee Exarches spend years working on a single banshee and make her work out a million times to produce the finest ass known to mankind. Banshees are thrice as sexy as Farseers and thrice as horny for that matter too. Anyone a Farseer can make turn heads, a banshee can make heads follow better. I'm pretty sure a banshee could easily seduce an Astartes wearing Terminator Armor with a simple giggling chuckle.

Ever wonder why Relic never bothered promoting Banshee lead characters? That's right, they were too scared to show off the perfect sex icon and their perfect tits and ass. Even in Dawn of war 2, Howling Banshees didn't get that much attention, otherwise all the players would be staring at them too much and never complete the game.

So what am I saying? Banshees are simply the best Eldar to commit xenos love heresy with, and thus, require more sexy artwork in /tg/. Here are fap thoughts I propose for Banshees:

(Shower Sardines) Banshees try to fit into a single shower as much as possible, with their Exarch fitting in last, naked

(Pillow Fight) Said Banshees playfully attack each other with pillows in their underwear, and the Exarch tries to wrestle their panties off

Now that seems a lot more representative of the sexy image of Banshees in our minds, don't you think?

tl;dr = Banshees need more attention on /tg/, see my new fap thoughts.

Elven Bread is Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bread" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Elven bread deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine elven bread in the Elven Forest for 2,400,000 pieces of bark (that's about 20,000 gp) and have been eating it for almost 2 years now. I can even feed a dwarf with my elven bread.

Elven bakers spend years working on a single elven bread and bake it up to a million times to produce the finest bread known to mankind.

Elven bread is thrice as tasty as human bread and thrice as nutritive for that matter too. Anything a human bread can feed, an elven bread can feed better. I'm pretty sure an elven bread could easily feed a knight wearing full plate with a simple loaf.

Ever wonder why the Human Kingdom never bothered conquering the Elven Forest? That's right, they were bribed by the disciplined Breadmasters and their elven breads of deliciousness. Even in the Second Great War, dwarf soldiers targeted the men with the elven bread first because they couldn't resist the smell.

So what am I saying? Elven bread is simply the best bread that the world has ever seen, and thus, requires better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for elven bread:

1 lb elven bread (20 daily rations) +20 deliciousness +20 saves against poison and disease for a day

Now that seems a lot more representative of the feeding power of elven bread in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Elven bread needs to be tastier in d20, see my new stat block.

Babylon 5 is underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork O'Neill Colony" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Babylon 5 deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Babylon station in Epsilon Eridani for 2,400,000,000,000,000 credits (that's about $2 quintillion) and have been practicing with it for almost 3 years now. I can even cut Centauri battlecruisers with my defense grid.

Human construction crews spend years working on a single Babylon station and rebuild it up to four times to produce the finest space stations known to mankind.

Babylon stations are thrice as advanced as normal O'Neill colonies and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a normal energy weapon can cut through, a Babylon station's defense grid can cut through better. I'm pretty sure Babylon 5 could easily bisect a Shadow vessel with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Minbari never bothered conquering Earth? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Humans and their Babylon Project of destruction. Even in the Shadow War, the Shadows and their allies targeted the Babylon stations first because their firepower was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Babylon 5 is simply a dream given form, and thus, requires better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Babylon 5:

Heavy Pulse Cannon, Attack +9, Damage 200+5d10, Critical 17-20, Range 9 Counts as Masterwork
Two quad-linked Particle Beams, Attack +6, Damage 80+4d10, Critical 17-20, Range 7 Counts as Masterwork
Eight Particle Beams, Attack +5, Damage 30+3d10, Critical 17-20, Range 5 Counts as Masterwork
Four Mk I Interceptors, Attack +9, Damage 50+5d10, Critical 17-20, Range 3, Rapid Fire Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the firepower of Babylon stations in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Babylon 5 needs to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Masterwork Bastard Sword copypasta is underpowered in 4chan[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "stale old copypasta" bullshit that's going on in 4chan right now. Masterwork Bastard Sword copypasta deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself wrote a genuine copypasta edit in /tg/ after 250 posts (that's about 3 days on the board) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even make cynical 4chan nerds rage with my copypasta.

4chan trolls spend years working on a single copypasta and repost it up to a million times to produce the finest greentext known to mankind.

Masterwork Bastard Sword threads are thrice as long as Flare threads and thrice as annoying for that matter too. Any thread furries can ruin, a Masterwork Bastard Sword edit can ruin better. I'm pretty sure a Bastard Sword pasta could easily bisect a 3.5E versus 4E thread with a simple sage.

Ever wonder why moderators never deleted any Masterwork Bastard Sword thread? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined trolls and their copypasta of destruction. Even when /tg/ was good, Anonymous saged the threads with the bastard sword copypasta first because their trolling power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Masterwork Bastard Sword is simply the best copypasta that 4chan has ever seen, and thus, require better recognition on 4chan. Here is the stat block I propose:

(Masterwork Copypasta) All trolls on the thread get +5 to rage checks, thread cannot be saged.

tl;dr = Bastard Sword pasta needs to be more effective on 4chan, see my new stat block.

Chainsaws are underpowered in horror movies[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Jason" bullshit that's going on in horror movies right now. Chainsaws deserve much better than this. Much, much better than this.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a genuine chainsaw at the hardware store for $150 Australian (that's about $250 American) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut through helpless teenagers with my chainsaw.

Automated factory machines spend years working on a single chainsaw and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest logging tool known to mankind.

Chainsaws are thrice as sharp and machetes and thrice as fun for that matter too. Any helpless teenager a machete can decaptiate, a chainsaw can decaptitate better. I'm pretty sure a chainsaw could easily bisect a helpless teenager with a simple slice.

Ever wonder why helpless teenagers never survive a horror movie? Because it would ruin the plot. But if it didn't, they would be too scared to fight Leatherface and his chainsaw of destruction. Even when the teenagers had meat cleavers and a van, they didn't target Leatherface first because his chopping power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Chainsaws are simply the best murder weapon that horror movies have ever seen, and thus, require better chopping power. Here is the stat block I propose:

(Masterwork Murder Weapon) Automatically hits teenagers, even in vans; grants automatic R-18+ rating.

tl;dr = Chainsaws needs to be more effective in horror movies, see my new stat block.

Big Daddies are Underpowered in Bioshock 2[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Prototype Plasmid Subject" bullshit that's going on in the Bioshock universe right now. Big Daddies deserve much better than that. Much, much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Big Daddy in Rapture for 2,400 Dollars (that's about Y20,000,000,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Big Daddy.

Andrew Ryan's smiths spend years working on a single Big Daddy and fold it up to a tousand times (potato, leprechaun) to produce the finest Big Daddies known to mankind.

Big Daddies are thrice as sharp as Those KGB Wolves or CIA Jackals and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a KGB Wolf or CIA Jackal can cut through, a Rivet Gun or Big Daddy Drill can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Big Daddy's Drill could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Red Soviet Union never bothered conquering Rapture? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Big Daddies and their Little Sisters of destruction. Even in Bioshock I, PC Gamers targeted the Big Daddies first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Big Daddies are simply the best sword that Rapture has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in Bioshock II. Here is the stat block I propose for Big Daddies:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Big Daddies in real life, don't you think?

Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann is underpowered in D20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Chouginga-Gurren Lagann" bullshit that's going right now. Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann in the Anti-spiral alter universe for 2,400,000 Spiral Energy Power Levels (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even throw galaxies to cut through solid steel.

Spirals spend monthss working on a single Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann and see up to a million invisibles to produce the finest form of ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWA known to Spirals.

Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann is thrice times huger then Chouginga Gurren Lagann and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Chouginga Gurren Lagann can break through, a Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann can break through better. I'm pretty sure you could easily break through the heavens and dimensions in a Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann.

Ever wonder why Anti Spirals never bothered conquering the heavens and dimensions? That's right, they were too scared to fight the Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann and their giant mecha with sunglasses of destruction. Even in World War II, Anti-spiral soldiers targeted the Giant Mecha first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann will tear through the heavens and dimensions and show you there path through force, Who the hell do you think they are?

Bacon is underpowered in D20[edit]

That’s it. I’m sick of all this “Masterwork Rations” bullshit that’s going on in the d20 system right now. Bacon deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I’m talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine helping of bacon in the American South for 10 dollars, plus tax (that’s about $10.50) and have been eatin bacon steadily for almost 2 years now. I can even belch clouds of bacon-bits after dinner.

Cooks spend years working on a single strip of bacon and fry it up to a million times to produce the finest pork product known to mankind.

Bacon strips are thrice as tasty as Canadian bacon and thrice as savory for that matter too. Any stomach a slice of ham can fill up, a strip of bacon can fill up better. I’m pretty sure a slice of bacon could easily tame the hunger of a sumo wrestler during a breakfast meal.

Ever wonder why European cooks never have shows in America? That’s right, they were too scared to try and cook a slice of bacon, fearing its subtle flavors. Even in World War II, Axis soldiers targeted American soldiers with food supplies first because their packages of bacon were highly valued and superbly fulfilling. And they were hungry.

So what am I saying? Bacon is simply the best food that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bacon:

(One-Handed Exotic Foodstuff)

1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to deliciousness Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Foodstuff)

2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to deliciousness Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the delicious power of Bacon in real life, don’t you think?

Carp are underpowered in Dorf Fortress[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "benign fish" bullshit that's going on in DF right now. Carp deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine carp in Mountainhome for 2,400,000 Dorfbucks (that's about 20 dorfs) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can devour entire sieges with my carp.

Armok spends years working on a single carp and folds it up to a million times to produce the most aggressive fish known to mankind.

Carp are thrice as fast as European fish and thrice as mean for that matter too. Anything a pike can bite through, a carp can bite through better. I'm pretty sure a carp could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical chomp.

Ever wonder why the kobolds never bothered conquering Mountainhome? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined dorfs and their carp of destruction. Even during the siege, goblin soldiers targeted the carp first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Carp are simply the meanest fish that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in DF. Here is the stat block I propose for carp:

[CREATURE:FISH_CARP]
[NAME:carp:carp:carp]
[TILE:224][COLOR:3:0:0]
[LARGE_ROAMING]
[AQUATIC][UNDERSWIM][IMMOBILE_LAND]
[MODVALUE:3]
[GENPOWER:3]
[PREFSTRING:fearsome bite]
[ALL_ACTIVE]
[POPULATION_NUMBER:15:30]
[CLUSTER_NUMBER:5:10]
[BENIGN][MEANDERER][NATURAL]
[PETVALUE:50]
[NOPAIN][NOFEAR][NOEMOTION]
[BODY:BASIC_2PARTBODY:BASIC_HEAD:SIDE_FINS:DORSAL_FIN:TAIL:2EYES:HEART:GUTS:ORGANS:NECK:SPINE:BRAIN:MOUTH]
[ATTACK:MAIN:BYTYPE:MOUTH:bite:bites:1:20:GORE][ATTACKFLAG_CANLATCH]
[ATTACK:SECOND:BYTOKEN:TAIL:slap:slaps:1:2:BLUDGEON][ATTACKFLAG_WITH]
[SIZE:3]
[MAXAGE:20:30]
[NO_DRINK]
[CHILD:1][CHILDNAME:carp fry:carp fry]
[FAT:1]
[BIOME:RIVER_TEMPERATE_FRESHWATER]
[BIOME:RIVER_TROPICAL_FRESHWATER]
[BIOME:LAKE_TEMPERATE_FRESHWATER]
[BIOME:LAKE_TROPICAL_FRESHWATER]
[STANDARD_FLESH]
[HOMEOTHERM:10067]
[SWIMS_INNATE][SWIM_SPEED:500]
[SPHERE:WAR]
[SPHERE:DEATH]

Now that seems a lot more representative of the destructive power of carp in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Carp need to do more damage in DF, see my new stat block.

Kobolds are misrepresented in Dwarf Fort threads[edit]

I'm sick of all this "shitty fighter" bullshit that's going on in this thread. Kobolds deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine long copper dagger in Fligbiglem for 400☼ (that's about $20) and have been practicing with it for almost a month now. I can even cut leather with my dagger.

Kobold smiths spend weeks working on a single dagger and smack it with a hammer up to fifteen times to produce the finest blades known to koboldkind.

Penises are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Clitoris" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Penises deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine penis from Dr. Robotnik for 6,000,000,000 Mobiums (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my penis.

Y-chromosomes spend 9 months working on a single penis and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest sex organs known to mankind.

Penises are at least two inches longer than most clitorises and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a clitoris can cut through, a penis can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a penis could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple cockslap.

Ever wonder why the Amazons never bothered conquering America? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Weeaboos and their penises of virginity. Even today, Amazons target the men with the penises first because their raping power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Penises are simply the best sex organ that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for penises:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork Rape

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork Rape

Now that seems a lot more representative of the fucking power of penises in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = penises need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Fleet Carriers are Underpowered in AstroEmpires[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "double production cost death star" bullshit that's going on in AE right now. Fleet carriers deserve much better than that. much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a fleet of 400 genuine fleet carriers in Corellia(AXX:XX:XX:XX) for 1,000,000 credits (that's about a year's worth of pillages) and have been practicing with it for almost 1 year now. I can even cut through waves of fighter meatshield with ease.

Corellian shipyards spend 5 hours working on a single fleet carrier and test it up to a million times to produce the finest carriers known to mankind.

Fleet carriers carry 7 times units as regular carriers and are just 5 times as expensive for that matter too. Anything a carrier can carry, a fleet carriers can carry better. Im pretty sure a fleet carriers could easily vaporise a knight wearing full plate with a simple ion blast.

Ever wonder why the Emperor never bothered conquering Corellia? that's right, he was too scared to fight the disciplined Han Solo and his fleet carriers of destruction. Even in server wars nubs target the fleet carriers first because their carrying power is feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Fleet carriers are simply the best carriers that AE has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the game. Here is the stats I propose for fleet carriers :

cost : 2000 credits drive : warp weapon : plasma power : 96 armor : 96 shield : 8 hangar : 500 speed : 3

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of fleet carriers in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Fleet carriers need to do more damage, see my new stat block.

Kobolds are overpowered in the D20 system[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "1/4 CR Kobold" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Kobolds deserve much worse than that. Much, much worse than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine kobold tribe in The East Hills for 1 very shiny cp (that's about $1 DM bribe) and they have been following me for almost 2 years now. Even slabs of solid steel can easily cleave my kobolds. Kobolds spend years working on being useless and fold their bedcloths up to a million times to produce the most useless creature known to mankind. Kobolds are thrice as weak as European people and thrice as soft for that matter too. Anything that has any edge or solidity, a kobold can die from better. I'm pretty sure a kobold army could easily be bisected by a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash. Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Kobold tribes? That's right, the kobolds were too useless to fight off the disciplined soldiers and their scary objects of cleaving. Even in World War II, American soldiers didn't target the kobolds because they were considered a waste of ammunition and their fodderism was unfeared and unrespected.

So what am I saying? Kobolds are simply the most useless creature the world has ever seen, and thus, require worse stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for kobolds:

CR: 1/8 Hit die: 1d4(2 hp) Initiative: +1 Speed: 20 ft. Armor Class: 12 Base Attack/Grapple: -2/-6 Attack: Stick -1 melee (1d3) or rock +0 ranged (1d3)

Now that seems a lot more representative of the failing power of Kobolds in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Kobolds need to do less damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Nuclear Weapons are Underpowerd in the d20 system[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Mutually Assured Destruction" bullshit in EVERYTHING that's going on in the d20 system right now. Nukes deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself build 1 megaton nuclear weapons in my toolshop for $500,000 each (That's about 500,000 US dollars) that I've had for 2 years now. Even solid slabs of steel were vaporized by my test nuke.

Nuclear weapons are fuelled by the best Uranium in the United States and send their by-products into other Uranium atoms million of times to produce the most powerful weapon known to mankind.

Nuclear Weapons are thrice as powerful as a Fuel Air Explosive (FAE) and thrice as cheap than a FAE for that matter too. Anything that can be blown up by a FAE a nuke could do better. I'm pretty sure a nuke can vaporise a ARMY of knights wearing full plate with a single vertical drop.

Ever wonder why the Soviet Union never invaded Europe? That's right, the Soviets were too scared of the capitalist Americans and their red button of annihilation. Even in the Cold War, Soviet missile silos were ordered to destroy American nukes first because their damage is feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Nukes are simply the most powerful weapon ever the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for nuclear weapons:

(Weapon of Mass Destruction) 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Damage. Area Of Effect 2000 sq. ft Counts as Instant Victory.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the awesomeness of nukes in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Nukes need to be in d20, see my new stat block.

3.5e is underpowered in the D&D System[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Dungeons & Dragons: Fourth Edition" bullshit that's going on in the D&D fanbase right now. 3.5e deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine copy of the Player's Handbook from Wizards of the Coast for $34.95 (that's about $35) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can kill tarrasques while flying high enough with my Wizard.

WOTC spend years working on a single edition and play test it up to a million times to produce the finest RPGs known to man.

3.5e is thrice as fun as 4e and thrice as balanced for that matter too. Anything game a 4e player can play, a 3.5e player can enjoy better. I'm pretty sure 3.5e could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why 4e players never bothered defending their edition? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined 3.5e players and their Edition of destruction. Even in 2008, 4e players targeted the 3.5e players with their cookie-cutter powers that do 1[W] + Ability Modifier damage and slide or apply effects first because the 3.5e Druid's killing power was so respected.

So what am I saying? 3.5e is simply the best Edition that Dungeons & Dragons has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for 3.5e:

(One-Handed Exotic Edition) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Edition) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of Dungeons & Dragons 3.5e in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = 3.5e needs more players in D&D, see my new stat block.

Dreadnoughts are Underpowered in Sword of The Stars[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Destroyer" bullshit that's going on in Sword of The Stars right now. Dreadnoughts deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Dreadnought in Arcadia for 2,400,000 Credits (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 turns now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Dreadnought.

Hiver smiths spend years working on a single Dreadnought and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest ships known in the galaxy.

Dreadnoughts are thrice as powerful as Destroyers and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Destroyer can cut through, a Dreadnought can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Dreadnought could easily bisect a Zuul Homeworld with a simple vertical beam.

Ever wonder why Humans never bothered conquering Hivers? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Warrior Caste and their Dreadnoughts of destruction. Even in the tutorial, Human soldiers targeted the fleets with the Dreadnoughts first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Dreadnoughts are simply the best ship that the galaxy has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in Sword of The Stars. Here is the stat block I propose for Dreadnoughts:

1300000 Savings cost 20000 Construction cost 132700 Armor 235000 Mass 50.0 Range 3.0 Speed 180.0 Tactical speed 40.0 Turning speed

Now that seems a lot more representative of the firepower of Dreadnoughts in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Dreadnoughts need to do more damage in Sword of The Stars, see my new stat block.

M-16's are Underpowered in the d20 system[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Mattel Toy" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. M-16's deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a M-16 at a gun show for $1,350 (That's about 1100 5.56x45mm rounds) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. Even solid slabs of steel are perforated by my M-16.

M-16's are built from the best composits and aliumnium and forged up to a million times to produce the best rifle known to mankind.

M-16's are thrice as powerful than AK-74's and thrice as accruate too. Anything that can be shot by a AK-74 an M-16 can do better. I'm pretty sure a M-16 can penetrate through a knight wearing full plate with just a single trigger pull.

Ever wonder why the Soviets never invaded the United States? That's right thay were too scared of the U.S. soldiers and their Black Rifles. Even in the Vietnam War the North Vietnamese targeted the soldiers with M-16's first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? M-16's are simply the best rifle the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for M-16's.

Cost $950

Rate of fire 900 rounds per minute

Clip size 20,30 or 100 rounds

range 440 yards

bullet speed 3,282 feet per second

Weight 7.2 pounds

bullet 5.56x45mm M855 Light Armor Piercing (Ignores armor saves and tumbles causing incapation wounds)

Now thats seems a lot more representive of the firepower of the M-16 in real life don't you think?

tl;dl = M-16 need to do more damage in the d20 system, see my new stat block.

Polarbears are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bear" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Polarbears deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine polarbear in Stockholm for 42 crowns (that's about $6) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my polarbear.

Inuits spend weeks working on a single polarbear and sharpen the claws up to a dozen times to produce the finest bears known to mankind.

Polerbears are thrice as sharp as american bears and thrice as hard for that matter to. Anything a bear can cut through, a polarbear can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a polarbear could easily bisect a walruss wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why penguins never bothered conquering the north pole? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined polarbears and their claws of destruction. Even in Happy feet, Penguins targeted the polarbears first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? polarbears are simply the best bears that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for polarbears and polarbear cavalry:

(Exotic Large Animal) Str 24, Dex 9, Con 23, Int 1, Wis 12, Cha 2 Counts as Masterwork

(Exotic Large Mount) Str 24, Dex 9, Con 23, Int 1, Wis 12, Cha 2 Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of polarbear in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Polarbears need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Vuvuzelas are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Poor-Quality Trumpet" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Vuvuzelas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Vuvuzela in South Africa for 2,400,000 Rands (that's about $316800) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even scare deaf people with my vuvuzela.

South African factory workers spend seconds working on a single vuvuzela and make up to a million in each mold to produce the finest instruments known to mankind.

Vuvuzelas are thrice as tuned as European violins and thrice as loud for that matter too. Anything a violin can play, a vuvuzela can play better. I'm pretty sure a vuvzela could easily play the entire 1812 Overture with a simple long breath.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe's composers never bothered conquering South Africa? That's right, they were too scared to face the disciplined South Africans and their vuvuzelas of musical perfection. Even in World War II, American soldiers listened to the music with the vuvuzelas first because their inspirational power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Vuvuzelas are simply the best instrument that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for vuvuzelas:

(Instrument : Perform (Wind Instruments)) +5 to Perform (Wind Instrument) checks when using the vuvuzela, and a +2 untyped bonus to all other performers in a group with the vuvuzela. +2 to any Bardic or Virtuoso Music bonuses when playing the vuvuzela. Double the range and duration of Bardic and Virtuoso music when playing the vuvuzela. Bardic and Virtuoso music may be maintained as a swift action with a vuvuzela. Grants 4 extra bardic music uses per day (as the Extra Music feat). Counts as Masterwork

Deafening Blast Swift Action 2d12 Sonic Damage in a 120 cone, Reflex save half. (DC is equal to a perform check made when using this ability) 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to reflex save DC and damage

Now that seems a lot more representative of the deafening power of vuvuzelas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Vuvuzelas need to be louder in d20, see my new stat block.

The EMPRAH is Underpowered in 40k[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Dead Psyker" bullshit that's going on in 40k right now. The EMPRAH deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine EMPRAH on terra for 100,000,000,000,000 Inocent souls (that's about $200) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even fry slabs of solid steel with my EMPRAH.

Terran psykers spend millennia working on a single EMPRAH and die up to a million times to produce the finest leader known to mankind.

The EMPRAH are thrice as sharp as chaos and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Heretic can cut through, the EMPRAH can cut through better. I'm pretty sure the EMPRAH could easily anihalate a chaos lord wearing terminator armor using only mind bullets.

Ever wonder why Hurlon never bothered conquering Medieval Europe? That's right, he were too scared to fight the disciplined EMPRAH of destruction. Even in The siege of terra, Horrus targeted the EMPRAH last because his killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? The EMPRAH are simply the best psyker that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for the EMPRAH:

The EMPRAH ws:9001 bs:7 s:40 t:40 w:8 i:5 a:20 ld:14 sv:2+/1+* Eternal warrior, Mind war, The horror, mind bullets, psychic monstrosity, power hammer and invunruble save.


Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of the EMPRAH in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = the God Emperor of Mankind need to do more damage in 40k, see my new stat block.

Slabs of Solid Steel are Underpowered in the Katana Meme[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Slab of Solid Iron" bullshit that's going on in this meme. Slabs of Solid Steel deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Slab of Solid Steel in a Blast Furnace for $20 (that's about $20) and have been practising with it for almost 2 years now. I can even smack people who talk nonsense with my slab of solid steel.

Migrant workers spend years working on a single slab of steel and add coal or something to produce the finest slabs of metal known to mankind.

Slabs of steel are thrice as hard as slabs of pig iron and thrice as sharp for that matter too. Anything that can cut through it is going to be a lot cuttier than a katana. I'm pretty sure a slab of steel could easily concuss an idiot with a katana with a simple blow to the head.

Ever wonder why girders and bridges are made out of steel? That's right, steel is not easy to cut through. Even in World War II, we used steel because its hardness was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Slabs of Solid Steel are simply the best Slabs that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better treatment in memes. Here is the stat block I propose for Slabs of Solid Steel:

Slab of Solid Steel: Can't be cut. That's it.


Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of Slabs of Solid Steel in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Slabs of Solid Steel need to receive less damage in memes, see my new stat block.

Dragonslayers are underpowered in d20[edit]

That’s it. I’m sick of all this “Masterwork Bastard Sword” bullshit that’s going on in the d20 system right now. Dragonslayers deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I’m talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Dragonslayer in a magical grimdark version of late medieval Italy for 600 innocents' souls (that’s about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid Apostles with my Dragonslayer.

Magical grimdark Italian smiths spend years working on a single Dragonslayer and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to Midland.

Dragonslayers are thrice as dull as European longswords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a Dragonslayer can smash into tiny pieces. I’m pretty sure a Dragonslayer could easily bisect a dozen trolls raping cultists with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering magical grimdark medieval Europe? That’s right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined survivors of childhood rape and their Dragonslayers of destruction. Even in the Golden Age, Purple Rhino Knights targeted the men with the Dragonslayers first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Dragonslayers are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Dragonslayers:

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)

8d8 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Every swing creates an AOE arc 10' in front and to the sides of the wielder, rolling to hit for each ally/enemy in the AOE.

Swarms of tiny or smaller creatures caught in the AOE are instantly killed, automatic hit, no chance to dodge or save.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Dragonslayers in real life, don’t you think?

Hitler is underpowered in M&M[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Power Level 5 supporting character" bullshit that's going on in the Mutants and Masterminds system right now. Der Führer deserves better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Hitler in Austria for 2,400,000 Schilling (that's about $240,000) and have been practicing with him for almost 2 years now. I can even take over democratic slabs of solid steel with my Hitler. Austrian Catholics spend years working on a single Hitler and reject him from art academies up to two times to produce the most hateful tyrants known to mankind.

Hitler is thrice as charismatic as superpowered dictators and thrice as insane for that matter too. Anything Doctor Doom can subjugate, Hitler can subjugate better. I'm pretty sure Hitler could easily break through the Maginot line with a simple command to the Wehrmacht. Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Nazi Germany? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Nazi armies and their Führer of destruction. Even In World War II, American soldiers targeted Hitler first because his leadership was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Hitler is simply the best dictator the world has ever seen, and thus, requires better stats in the M&M system. Here are the stat block changes I propose for Hitler:

Charisma 42, Diplomacy 40, Perform(Oratory) X, Inspire 10

Now that seems a lot more representative of the seductive power of Hitler in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Hitler needs to seduce more populations in M&M, see my stat block changes.

Claymores are Underpowered in D20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Greatsword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Claymores deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Claymore in Scotland for 325 pounds(that's about $500) and have been practicing with it for almost 5 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Claymore.

Scottish smiths spend years practicing on thousands of inferior blades so that when they forge a claymore for the first time it is nothing less than the most magnificent blade they could produce.

Claymores are thrice as sharp as Greatswords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a greatsword can cut through, a Claymore can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Claymore could easily behead a dozen enemies wearing neckguards with a single horizontal slash.

Ever wonder why medieval England never bothered reclaiming Scotland after Robert the Bruce took over? That's right, they were too scared to fight the ultra-manly Scotsmen and their Claymores of Decapitation. Even in World War II, German soldiers targeted the men with the Claymores first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Claymores are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Claymores:

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d12 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork A Claymore has reach, so you can strike opponents 10 feet away with it. In addition, unlike most other weapons with reach, it can be used against an adjacent foe.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Claymores in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Claymores need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Asbestos is underpowered in D20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "asbestos" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Absbestos deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself worked in Absbestos mines in Canada for 1440$can a week (that's about $750us) and have been mining with it for almost 2 years now. I can't even cut slabs of solid Absbestos.

Canadian smiths spend years working on a Absbestos and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest Absbestos composite known to mankind. Even the N.A.S.A. can't launch vessel into space without fireproof Absbestos fiber. Remember Columbia? It's was made with composite component, not asbestos and it explode!

Absbestos are feared as far as Europe and as hard for that matter too. Anything a nuke can hurt through, Absbestos can hurt through better. I'm pretty sure a Absbestos could easily intoxicate a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical breath.

Ever wonder why Europe never bothered about Absbestos? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Canadian and their Absbestos of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the building with the Absbestos first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Absbestos are simply the best poison that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Absbestos:

(thrown weapon)
1d12 Damage
19-20 x4 Crit
+2 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

(Armour) immune to heat & fire damage
10 Damage radius/round
fortitude save difficulty 30
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of Absbestos in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Absbestos need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Japs are underpowered in d20[edit]

That’s it. I’m sick of all this “Masterwork Human” bullshit that’s going on in the d20 system right now. Japanese deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I’m talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Japanese husband for 2,400,000 Yen (that’s about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Jap.

Japanese mums spend decades working on a single japanese boy and fuck it up to a million times to produce the finest faggots known to mankind.

Japanese men are twice as manly as European men and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I’m pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That’s right, they were too scared to fight the manly Japanese and their penises of destruction. Even in World War II, American nukes targeted Japan first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Japanese are simply the best humans that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Japanese:

(Male) +2 Str, +8 Dex, +4 Con, +6 Int, +4 Wis, +2 Cha
(Female) +6 Dex, +0 Con, +4 Int, +6 Wis, +6 Cha

Now that seems a lot more representative of the superiority of Japanese in real life, don’t you think? tl;dr = Japanese need better stats in d20, see my new stat block.

Horse Pussy is Underrated in the /a/'s Monster Girl Generals[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Wonderful Snake Cloaca" bullshit that's going on in Monstergirl threads right now. Horse pussy deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine horse sex doll in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even fit slabs of solid steel in my horse pussy.

Horses spend years developing a single vagina and flex it up to a million times to produce the tightest orifices known to mankind. Horse vaginas are thrice as tight as lamia vaginas and make me thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a snake can pleasure through, a horse pussy can make feel better. I'm pretty sure a mare could easily bisect a katana with a single kegel flex.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too busy fucking their horses. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the horses first because their vaginal power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Horses have simply the best vaginas that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Horse pussies:

(Natural Weapon)

3d12 pleasure

19-20 x4 Sperm

+5 to ejaculation

Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of mares in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Horse pussy is awesome, see my new stat block.

Necron Warriors are Underpowered in 40k[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Overpriced Space Marine" bullshit that's going on in the 40k system right now. Necron Warriors deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Necron Warrior from a tomb world for 2.4 inhabited planets (that's about 20,000 war crimes) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even rip slabs of solid steel apart with my Necron Warrior.

C'Tan spent years working on the Necrontyr race and let Necrons reform innumerable times to produce the finest troops known to mankind.

Necron Warriors are millions of times as old as Eldar Dire Avengers and billions of times as metal for that matter too. Anything an Avenger shuriken catapult can shoot through, a gauss flayer can shoot through better. I'm pretty sure a Necron Warrior could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple unarmed chop.

Ever wonder why pre-Chaos Old Ones never bothered conquering the Necrons? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined C'Tan and their Necron Warriors of destruction. Even in the grim darkness of the far future, all other races target the Necron Warriors first because their killing power is still feared and respected. And to get the Phase Out rule to kick in quicker.

So what am I saying? Necron Warriors are simply the best Troops choice that the universe has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Necron Warriors:

Necron Warriors Pts/Model:17 WS:4 BS:4 S:4 T:4 W:1 I:2 A:1 Ld:10 Sv:3+
Number/Squad: 5-30
Weapons: Gauss Flayer (counts as a Gauss close combat weapon)

Special Rules:
Living Metal (Additional Necron special rule). Ignore armour saves equal or greater than the model's own in close combat. Necron. Necrons follow all the usual rules for Necrons as presented in the Codex, except that they count as half for calculating the phase-out limit. Now that seems a lot more representative of the killing power of Necron Warriors in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Necron Warriors need to do more damage in 40k, see my new stat block.

Spehss Marheens are underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Heresy" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Spehss Marheens deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Spehss From the Emprah for 30,000,000 psyker souls (that's about $10) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Spehss Marheen.

The Spehss Marheen Chapters spend years working on a single Spehss Marheen Scout and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest Spehss Marheens known to mankind.

Spehss Marheens are thrice as sharp as Chaos marine and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Chaos Marine can cut through, a Spehss Mahreen can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Spehss Marheen could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering the imperium? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Spehss Marheens and their Speech Inpidiments of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with Spehss Marheens first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Spess Marheens are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Spehss Marheens:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d12 Damage
19-20 x4 Crit
+2 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)
2d10 Damage
17-20 x4 Crit
+5 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Spehss Marheens in real life, don't you think?

Nicholas Cage is underpowered in movies[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Social Networking" bullshit that's been going on in the movie industry right now. Nicholas Cage deserves better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a genuine Nicholas Cage movie in Family Video for $2.40 (that's about a week's allowance) and have been watching it for almost two years now. I can even start a bag of popcorn before my movie even starts now.

Hollywood producers go through through thousands of actors and go with the first take up to a million times to produce some of the most mediocre movies known to mankind.

Nicholas Cage is thrice as bizzare as Keanu Reeves and thrice as recognisable for that matter. Anything Keanu Reeves could act, Nicholas Cage could blow out of proportion better. I'm pretty sure Nicholas could easily ruin a perfectly good movie with a simple shitty one-liner.

So what am I saying? Nicholas Cage is simply the most mediocre movie actor the world has ever seen, and thus requires better stats in the D20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Nicholas Cage:

-Nicholas Cage: Instantly downgrade your movie to "B-grade". Include no less than 5 awful one-liners. Must be co-starring with "Special Effects".

Now that seems a lot more representative of the destructive power of Nicholas Cage in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Nicholas Cage needs to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Tsunamis are underpowered[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Earthquake" bullshit that's going on in the Japan right now. Tsunamis deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself have purchased a genuine Tsunami in Japan for 10$ (that's about $10,00) and have been watching it for almost 2 years now. I can even crush entire Japanese cities with my tsunami.

Poiseidon spend years working on a single tsunami and creates up to a million pounds if kinetic energy to produce the best Wave known to mankind.

Tsunamis are thrice as destructive as European Plauges and Earthquakes and thrice as wet for that matter too. Anything a earthquake can destroy a tsunami can obliterate better. I'm pretty sure a tsunami could easily rust over a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical splash.

Ever wonder why Americans never occupied japan. Because they were too scared of the Japaneses Tsunamis of destruction. Even in WW2 American soldiers said "Fuck this wave shit" Because the their killing power was feared and respected

So what am I saying? Tsunamis are simply the best waves that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for tsunamis: (splash damage)

Destroys everything.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the destructive power of tsunamis in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = tsunamis need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Hulk Hogans are Underpowered in d20[edit]

Well you know something Mean Gene, I'm sick of all this "Masterwork John Cena" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Hulk Hogans deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Hulk Hogan in Florida for $10,000,000 (that's about $10,000,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Hulk Hogan's 24-inch Pythons.

American wrestling promoters spend years working on a single Hulk Hogan and give it up to a million title belts to produce the finest wrestlers known to Mankind - or Cactus Jack or whatever the hell he's going by these days.

Hulk Hogans are thrice as tanned as Japanese wrestlers and thrice as hard for that matter too. Any move the Great Sasuke can do, a Hulk Hogan can fail to do better. I'm pretty sure a Hulk Hogan could easily bisect a Daniel Bryan wearing wrestling trunks with a simple big boot to the face and a Legdrop of Doom.

Ever wonder why Japanese wrestlers never made it in America? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Hulk Hogans and their 24-inch Pythons of destruction. Even in World War II, Japanese soldiers targeted the men with the Hulk Hogans first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Hulk Hogans are simply the best wrestlers that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Hulk Hogans:

(American Made) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(nWo Hollywood) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Hulk Hogans in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Hulk Hogans need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block. And whatcha gonna do, BROTHER!?

I am Underpowered in d20![edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Average Guy" bullshit that's going on in d20 now. I deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself was commissioned in America for $25.00 (that's about the cost of two Denny's Grandslams and a six-pack of wine coolers) and have been practicing my swagger for over 20 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid ground beef with my swagger.

I have spent years working on my swagger and have accrued a million experience points, creating the finest guy known to mankind.

I am thrice as sharp as any European guy and thrice as long for that matter too (c'mon, you didn't think I'd go to all this trouble and not claim to have a giant member). Anything a European guy's swagger can cut through, an American guy's swagger can cut through better. I'm pretty sure an American guy could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash. Bare-handed.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering America? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined American guys and their swagger of destruction. Even in World War II, German soldiers targeted the Americans with swagger first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Swagger is simply the best weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, requires better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Swagger:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +Cha to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +Cha+2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the bangin' power of swagger in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Swagger needs more respect and needs to get me laid more, see my new stat block.

Nerfs are Underpowered in Mass Effect 3[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Toning Down" Crap that's going on in Mass Effect 3 right now. Nerfs deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Nerf on the Bioware Forums for 1,600,000 BSP (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 months now. I can even cut slabs of solid common sense with my Nerfs.

Random people on the Internet spend years bitching towards a single Nerf and about it up to a million times to produce the finest dumbing-downs known to mankind.

Nerfs are thrice as infuriating as Buffs and thrice as frequent for that matter too. Anything a Buff can screw up, a Nerf can screw up through better. I'm pretty sure a Nerf could render an entire class irrelevant with a simple toning-down of stats.

Ever wonder why the Dragon Age forums never bothered conquering the Mass Effect Forums? That's right, they were too scared to fight the Bioware Staff and their Nerfs of destruction. Even during the aftermath of the Dragon Age 2 scandals, provocateurs targetted the Nerfs first, because their annoyance power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Nerfs are simply the best game balancing mechanic that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats on the Mass Effect 3 forums. Here is the stat block I propose for Nerfs:

Remove all guns and powers All classes fight with nerf bats

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of Nerfs in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Nerfs need to do more damage in Mass Effect 3, see my new stat block.

Bronies are overpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Poor Quality Furry" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Bronies deserve much worse than that. Much, much worse than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine brony in Canada for 1 penny (that's about $0.01) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even break ponies on solid steel with my brony.

Canadian cartoonists waste years working on a single brony and show clop cartoons to it up to a million times to produce the most disgusting fandom known to mankind.

Bronies are thrice as obnoxious as Sonic fans and thrice as stupid for that matter too. Anything a Sonic fan can recolor, a brony can recolor worse. I'm pretty sure a brony could easily go to a convention wearing a full ponysuit with a simple sum of mom's money.

Ever wonder why Bronies never bothered conquering 4chan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined trolls and their hate of bronies. Even in the great bans of February 2011, 4chan mods targeted the threads with the bronies first because their weak power was disgusting and obnoxious.

So what am I saying? Bronies are simply the worst fandom that the world has ever seen, and thus, require worse stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for bronies:

(One-Handed Simple Fan) 1d1 Damage 21-22 x.01 Crit -10 to hit and damage Never counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Simple Fan) 2d1 Damage 21-22 x.01 Crit -20 to hit and damage Never counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the annoying power of bronies in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bronies need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Draigo is underpowered in 6th[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "New Edition" bullshit that's going on in the Warhammer 40K system right now. Draigo deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned the genuine Draigo in the Warp for 2,400,000 souls (that's about $2) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with Draigo.

Matt Ward spend years a couple minutes working on Draigo and didn't think about his backstory again to produce the finest Fictional Character known to mankind.

Draigo is thrice as powerful as Bloodthirsters and thrice as awesome for that matter too. Anything a Space Wolf can cut through, Draigo can cut through better. I'm pretty sure Draigo could easily bisect Abaddon wearing full terminator armor with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Forces of Chaos never bothered conquering Terra? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Draigo and his Codexes of destruction. In every single game, the other player rages over Imperial Guard armies with the Draigo as ally first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Draigo is simply the best Character that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Warhammer 40K system. Here is the stat block I propose for Draigo:

(Supreme Chapter Master of Awesomeness)

WS:15 BS:7 S:10(x2) T:10 W:13 I:10 A:50 Ld:10 Sv:1+/1++(both are rerollable)

And They Shall Know No Fear, Fear, Fearless, Feel No Pain (1+, rerollable), Furious Charge, Counter Attack, Ignores Cover, Ignores Cover Saves, Always in Cover, Shrouded, Stealth, Always Strike First, Hammer of Wrath (2d6 hits, even on Counter Attack). Also his hits always hit if you roll for them.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the awesomeness power of Draigo in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Draigo need to do more damage in 40K, see my new stat block.

Khorne is underpowered in 40k[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Slaanesh is.."

M- My lord! Wait, I... I didn't mean to imply that... ARGH! MY ANAL CIRCUMFERENCE!

tl;dr = *CHOP, REND, TEAR, PAINFUL SCREAMING*

"Just as planned..."

Serrated Disc Traps are Underpowered in 0.34.11[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Dwarven steel giant axe blade" bullshit that's going on in the Dwarf Fortress system right now. Serrated disc traps deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine serrated disc trap in The Continent of Boats for 2,500 *gabbro mugs* (that's about $10,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid goblinite with my serrated disc trap.

Dwarven smiths spend years working on a single serrated disc trap and fold the adamantine up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Serrated disc traps are thrice as sharp as +bronze mauls+ and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a -giant axe blade- can cut through, a serrated disc trap can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a serrated disc trap could easily bisect a goblin snatcher wearing full plate and a baby with just three slashes.

Ever wonder why the goblins never bothered conquering the dwarves? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Dwarven Army and their serrated disc traps of destruction. Even in The Great Siege of Boatmurdered, goblin soldiers targeted the dwarves near the serrated disc traps first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Serrated disc traps are simply the best trap component that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Dwarf Fortress system. Here is the stat block I propose for serrated discs:

[ITEM_TRAPCOMP:ITEM_TRAPCOMP_LARGESERRATEDDISC] [NAME:disc:discs] [ADJECTIVE:large, serrated] [SIZE:1000] [HITS:3] [MATERIAL_SIZE:4] [METAL] [ATTACK:EDGE:100000:10000:saw:saws:NO_SUB:1000]

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of serrated disc traps in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Serrated disc traps need to do more damage in 0.34.11, see my new stat block.

Katakana is Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of arr this "Engrish" burrshit going on in the d20 system right now. Katakana deserves better than that. Much, much better than that.

I shourd know what I'm tarking about. I myserf commissioned a genuine Katakana book from an American for about $400 (that's about 36,400 yen). I can cut down any Gaijin in Engrish conversation.

(will continue, ran out of caffeine)

Relic Blades are Underpowered in 40k[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "AP3 Power Sword" bullshit that's going on in the 40k system right now. Relic Blades deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Relic Blade from the Ultramarines for becoming a fanatic fanboy forever (that's about $ERROR_NUMBER_TOO_LARGE) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even pierce slabs of Chaos Space Marines with my Relic Blade.

Adeptus Astartes Honor Guard spend decades modifying a power sword and test it up to a million times to produce the finest swords known to the Imperium.

Relic Blades are thrice as stabby as lightning claws and thrice as sharp for that matter too. Anything a lightning claw can stab through, a Relic Blade can stab through better. I'm pretty sure a Relic Blade could easily pierce a space marine in Terminator armor with an Storm Shield with a simple half-assed swing.

Ever wonder why the Chaos never bothered conquering the Imperium? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Space Marines and their Relic Blades of armor ignoring destruction. Even in the 13th Black Crusade, Chaos soldiers targeted the Marines with the Relic Blades first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Relic Blades are simply the best weapon that the universe has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Relic Blades:

(Relic Blade) S10 AP1 Rending Special rules

  • ignores invulnerable saves
  • ignores LoS saves
  • grants 10 attacks at every initiative
  • hits on 1+
  • wounds on 1+
  • ignores LoS saves
  • causes instant death all the time

Now that seems a lot more representative of the killing power of Relic Blades in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Relic Blades need to do more damage in 40k, see my new stat block.

Voices of JUSTICE are Underpowered in Lamia Daughter Quest[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of this "Masterwork Shouting" bullshit that's going on in Lamia Daughter quest right now. Voice of JUSTICE deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Voice of JUSTICE in Purple Sands for 500000 gold (that's about 5000000 silver) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even silence rampaging barbarian hordes with my Voice of JUSTICE.

Caligo Clarus Paladins spend years developing a Voice of JUSTICE and berate up to a million evildoers to produce the finest voices known to man or lamiakind.

Voices of JUSTICE are thrice as loud as bloodthirsty roars and thrice as powerful for that matter too. Anything a warlord could bellow into submission, a Voice of JUSTICE could silence quicker. I'm pretty sure a Voice of JUSTICE could easily silence a black knight wearing full spiked bloodstained plate with a simple statement.

Ever wondered why evil never conquered the Caligo Clarus? That's right, it was too scared to fight the disciplined Paladins and their Voices of JUSTICE. Even in the final battle with the Dragon Who Dwells in Darkness, the Darkness targeted the men with the Voices of JUSTICE first because their shouting power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Voices of JUSTICE are simply the best voices that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in Lamia Daughter Quest. Here is the stat block I propose for a Voice of JUSTICE:

1d12 Brian Blesseds
Causes guilt and cows evildoers on a 1+
+5 to volume and gravity
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the shouting power of Voices of JUSTICe in real life, don't you think?

tl:dr = Voices of JUSTICE need to be more commanding in Lamia Daughter Quest, see my new stat block.

Rape is underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Fate Worse Than Death" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Rape deserves much better than that than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself committed a genuine rape in Japan for 2,000 Yen (that's about $5) and have been in prison for almost 2 years now. I can even rape a hole through steel. Japanese rapists spend years planning a single rape and visualize it up to a million times to produce the finest rapes known to mankind. Rapes are thrice as bad as regular murder and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a murder can cause, a rape can cause better. I'm pretty sure a rape could easily cause a Paladin wearing full plate to fall with a simple horizontal thrust. Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the Samurai and their rape dicks of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the unzipped pants first because their raping power was feared and respected. So what am I saying? Rape is simply the worst thing that the world has ever seen, and thus, requires better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for rape:

Rape (Ex) 3d12 Damage No save Victim is traumatized for the rest of his/her life

Now that seems a lot more representative of the traumatizing power of rape in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Rape need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Quiches are underpowered in GURPS[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Waffle" bullshit that's going on in the GURPS system right now. Quiches deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine quiche in France for 24 Francs (that's about $20) and have been eating it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut pangs of solid hunger with my quiche.

French chefs spend hours working on a single quiche and layer it up to a million times to produce the finest breakfast pastries known to mankind.

Quiches are thrice as filling as Asian breakfasts and thrice as buttery for that matter too. Anything hunger a bagel can cut through, a quiche can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a quiche could easily be bisected to satisfy the hunger of a dozen neckbeards with a simple series of vertical slashes.

Ever wonder why medieval Asia never bothered conquering Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined peasants and their quiches of satisfaction. Even in World War II, German soldiers targeted the men with the quiches first because their eggy deliciousness was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Quiches are simply the best food that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the GURPS system. Here is the stat block I propose for Quiches:

(Improvised Brawling Weapon(Brawling-1) or DX-Based Cooking-3; can be made with a roll of Cooking-1 or Housekeeping-4)

Can be eaten to recover 2d HP instantly; see the Healing Potion. Counts as three Meals.

sw+1 cr

Critical hit on a roll of 7 or less if effective skill 17+

HP+2 and Fearlessness 2 while held and Ready

Counts as Very Fine(Materials) for weapon breakage

Now that seems a lot more representative of the deliciousness and satisfaction of quiches in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Quiches need to heal more hit points in GURPS, see my new stat block.

Pfeifer-Zeliska .600 Nitro Express Revolvers are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork .50 BMG" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. .600 NEs deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Pfeifer-Zeliska in Austria for 180,108.61 shillings (that's about $17,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even shoot through slabs of solid steel with my .600. Austrian smiths spend years working on a single Pfeifer and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest barrels known to mankind. Pfeifers are thrice as powerful as European handguns and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a .50 BMG can shoot through, a Pfeifer can shoot through better. I'm pretty sure a Pfeifer could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical shot. Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Austria? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Österreichisches Bundesheer and their revolvers of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the .600s first because their killing power was feared and respected. So what am I saying? .600s are simply the best rounds that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for .600:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)

2d12 Damage

19-20 x4 Crit

+2 to hit and damage

Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)

3d10 Damage

17-20 x4 Crit

+5 to hit and damage

Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the shooting power of .600s in real life, don't you think? tl;dr = Pfeifers need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

The GAU-8 is underpowered in Battletech[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "machine gun" bullshit that's going on in the Battletech system right now. The GAU-8 deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine GAU-8 in AMERICA for 400,000 dollars (175,000 c-bills) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even destroy slabs of solid lamellor ferro-carbide with my GAU-8.

American engineers spend years working on a single GAU-8 and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest guns known to mankind.

The GAU-8 hits thrice as hard as Successor State autocannons and fires thrice as fast for that matter too. Anything an autocannon can cut through, a GAU-8 can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a GAU-8 could easily blow through a Great Turtle with 40 tons of hardened armor with a single shot.

Ever wonder why the Successor States never bothered conquering AMERICA? That's right, they were too scared to fight the invincible A-10s and their GAU-8s of destruction. Even in Afghanistan, Taliban fighters targeted the A-10s with their GAU-8s first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? The GAU-8 is simply the best gun that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Battletech system. Here is the stat block I propose for the GAU-8:

GAU-8 Type: DB Heat: 1/shot Damage: 20/shot Range: 0/40/80/120 Ammo: 200 Tonnage: 0.25 Crits: 2 Specials: R/C/R140

Now that seems a lot more representative of the firepower of the GAU-8 in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = GAU-8 needs to do more damage in Battletech, see my new stat block.

Diamond swords are underpowered in Minecraft[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of this "masterwork iron sword" bullshit that's going on the Minecraft system right now. Diamond swords deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that. I myself commissioned a genuine Diamond sword in a village near my spawnpoint for 30 emeralds [that's about £600] and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even Break blocks of solid obsidian with my diamond sword.

Blacksmith villagers spend a few days working on a single Diamond sword and craft it up to a million times to produce the finest weapons known to mobkind.

Diamond swords do twice the damage of bows and are twice as durable too. Anything a pickaxe can break through, a diamond sword can break better. I'm pretty sure a diamond sword could bisect a charged creeper with a simple diagonal slash.

Ever wonder why the Zombies and skeletons never bothered conquering Minecraftia? That's right, they were too scared to fight Steve and his diamond sword of destruction. Even during the great sand war, Israphel's cultists targeted the templars with diamond swords first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? The Diamond sword is simply the best weapon in the game, and so deserves better stats in Minecraft. Here is the stat block I propose for diamond swords:

Durability: over 9000 Damage: 16 [8 hearts]

Now that seems more represenative of the cutting power of diamond swords in real life, dosen't it?

Tl;DR, Diamond swords need to do more damage in Minecraft, see my new stat block.

Matt Ward is Underhated in Fluff[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Mastertroll Bastard Faggot" bullshit that's going on in the 1d4 system right now. Matt Ward deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Grey Knights Codex from GW for $55 (that's about £(73.15) 33.23) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cause critical existence failure of Codex: Chaos players with my codex.

GW executives spend years looking for the perfect way of appealing to newfag 12-year olds and pay it up to a million times to produce the finest fluff-rape known to mankind.

Matt Ward is thrice as fluff-rapey as 12 year old fanfic writers and thrice as facepalm-inducing for that matter too. Anything a 12-year old can ruin, Matt Ward can ruin even harder. I'm pretty sure Matt Ward could easily bisect the most loved characters wearing full plot armor with a simple key stroke.

Ever wonder why oldfag gamers never bothered buying his Codices? That's right, they were too scared to read the awful Khornate Knights and their betrayal of canon. Even in the middle of the Bloodtide, Grey Knights targeted the Sisters of Battle with the purity first because their they were female and respected.

So what am I saying? Matt Ward is simply the best fluff rapist that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 1D4 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Matt Ward:

(One-Handed Typing) 3 Words Per Minute 1d6 retconns per paragraph +4 attacks against women Counts as Biggest Faggot Currently Working for GW

(Two-Handed typing) 5 Words Per Minute 1d12 retconns per paragraph +6 Writerape to everything you love in Warhammer Counts as Biggest Faggot Currently Working for GW

Now that seems a lot more representative of the canon-raping by Matt Ward in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Matt Ward needs to be hated more on 1d4, see my new stat block.

Resurreccion are Overrated in Bleach[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bankai" bullshit that's going on in Bleach. Resurreccion deserve much worse than that. Much, much worse than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself achieved Resurreccion and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can't even devour fodder shinigami anymore.

Arrancar spend years working on a single transformation and focus their power up to a million times to produce some of the biggest pieces of shit known to Hollowkind.

Resurreccion are barely half as powerful as Bankai and half as useful for that matter too. Anything a Bankai can destroy, a Resurreccion can't even touch. I'm pretty sure a Resurreccion would break trying to cut a seated Shinigami with any kind of slash.

Ever wonder why Hueco Mundo never bothered conquering Soul Society? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Shinigami and their Byakuya types X through XXII of destruction. Even in the Fake Karakura Town Battle, Arrancar targeted the lowest ranking shinigami because they were too weak to take on the big dogs.

So what am I saying? Resurreccion is simply the worst power that the world has ever seen, and thus, demand much less respect in Bleach.

NERF Strongarms are Underpowered in the Neighborhood[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork NERF Alpha Trooper" bullshit that's going on in the neighborhood right now. Strongarms deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine NERF Strongarm from Toys'R'Us for $9.97 (that's about one gift card) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 days now. I can even hit the "elite" ranges of 75 feet with my Retaliator.

Hasbro workers spend minutes working on a single Strongarm and put in about 30 pieces to produce the finest foam dart guns known to mankind.

Strongarms are thrice as powerful as Alpha Troopers and a third the size for that matter too. Anything an Alpha Trooper can hit, a Strongarm can hit twice as fast. I'm pretty sure a Strongarm could stop a charging Chihuahua wearing a full-body doggy sweater.

Ever wonder why Maple Street never bothered conquering West Elm Street? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined sixth graders and their Strongarms of foamstruction. Even during the Battle of Cody's backyard, seventh grade soldiers targeted the kids with the Strongarms first because their foaming power was feared and respected.

MoonYu is Underpowered on Path of Exile Forums[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Kripp for EMPEROR OF UNIVERSE OMG!!1" bullshit that's going on in the Path of Exile forums right now. MoonYus deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine MoonYu in Off Topic for 20 Eternal Orbs (that's about $140 on some shady online store) and have been practicing with him for almost 2 years now. I can even make MoonYu bite trough a slab of solid steel.

OT regulars (myself included) spend years training a single MoonYu and feed him up to a million pieces of foodstuffs, metal cans, paper and GD topic refuse to produce the finest magical goat-man hybrid known to mankind.

MoonYu's wit is thrice as sharp as Wilkinson razorblade and thrice as dry for that matter too. Anything a katana (or a bulldozer, to be honest) can't cut through, MoonYu will simply bite through. I'm pretty sure MoonYu could easily destroy an average desync-whiner's mind by simply throwing a wall of text at him and then promptly eating his homework.

Ever wonder why contemporary GGG forum mods only toss crap topics into OT and then run like hell without looking once, never bothering to truly conquer the Glorious Off Topic Section? That's right, they are too scared to fight the deranged bunch of psychos who lurk there and their MoonYus of Destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the MoonYus first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? MoonYus are simply the best weapons of mass devouring that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for a single MoonYu:


Medium Magical Beast

Hit Dice: 20d10+12 (120 hp)

Initiative: -4 (lethargy mode), +10 when someone pisses him off

Speed: 30ft. (6 squares), 50ft. Charging

Armor Class: 25 (+15 natural), touch 15, can't get flat-footed

Base Attack/Grapple: +6/+20

Attack: Bite +10 melee (6d6+10 plus 2d6 acid), Kick +14 melee (8d6+14 plus 2d6 magical)

Space/Reach: 8ft./4ft.

Special Attacks: Swift Kick to Nuts (creatures without nuts, like Oozes, are immune), Vitriolic Bite, Mind**** Poetry, Mind**** Novel

Special Qualities: Darkvision 60ft., Cold, Fire, Acid, Electrical, Sonic resistance 20, Magic resistance 20, Immunity to Mind spells, Immunity to Death spells

Saves: Fort +12, Ref +15, Wil +10

Abilities: Str 18, Dex 22, Con 16, Int 18, Wis 18, Cha 16

Abilities: Climb +15, Lore +15, Perform +22

Feats: Blind-Fight, Toughness, Spring Attack, Iron Will, Great Fortitude

Environment: Damp, cold beaches

Organization: Solitary

Challenge rating: YOU DARE CHALLENGE MOONYU?? YOU IDIOT!

Treasure: Bag of beach pebbles, 1d4 books

Alignment: Always Chaotic


Now that seems a lot more representative of the raw power of a MoonYu in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = MoonYus need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Furries are Underpowered in Dwarf Fortress 0.40.03[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Mod Orc" bullshit that's going on in Dwarf Fortress right now. Furries deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine furry in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with the claws.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single furry and redraw it up to a million times to produce the finest furries known to mankind.

Furry claws are thrice as sharp as Orcish swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything an Orcish sword can cut through, a furry can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a furry could easily bisect a clown wearing full divine plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Australia never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Furries and their claws of destruction. Even in the attack on Sydney, Orcish soldiers targeted the furries first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Furries are simply the race that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Dwarf Fortress system. Here is the raw folder text I propose for furries:

[CREATURE:LYNX_MAN]

[COPY_TAGS_FROM:LYNX]

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:ANIMAL_PERSON]

[CAVE_ADAPT]

[SMELL_TRIGGER:5]

[LOW_LIGHT_VISION:10000]

[CV_REMOVE_TAG:GRAVITATE_BODY_SIZE]

[GRAVITATE_BODY_SIZE:200000]

[NO_DRINK][NO_EAT]

[NOCTURNAL]

[GO_TO_END]

[SELECT_CASTE:MALE]

[CASTE_NAME:lynx man:lynx men:lynx man]

[SELECT_CASTE:FEMALE]

[CASTE_NAME:lynx woman:lynx women:lynx woman]

[SELECT_CASTE:ALL]

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:PUNCH_ATTACK]

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:KICK_ATTACK]

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:CLAW_SCRATCH_ATTACK]

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:TOOTH_BITE_ATTACK]

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:STANDARD_BIPED_GAITS:711:521:293:219:900:1900] 40 kph

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:STANDARD_CLIMBING_GAITS:2990:2257:1525:731:4300:6100] 12 kph

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:STANDARD_SWIMMING_GAITS:2990:2257:1525:731:4300:6100] 12 kph

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:STANDARD_CRAWLING_GAITS:2990:2257:1525:731:4300:6100] 12 kph

[GO_TO_START]

[NAME:lynx man:lynx men:lynx man]

[DESCRIPTION:A person with the head and tail of a lynx.]

[POPULATION_NUMBER:30:50]

[CLUSTER_NUMBER:1:5]

[MAXAGE:150:200]

[CREATURE_TILE:'l']

[COLOR:6:0:0]

[BABY:1]

[CHILD:12]

[GO_TO_TAG:USE_TISSUE_TEMPLATE:CLAW:CLAW_TEMPLATE]

[TISSUE_LAYER:BY_CATEGORY:FINGER:CLAW:FRONT]

Now that seems a lot more representative of the deadly versatility of furries in real life, don't you think?

2-By-Swords are Underpowered in Cataclysm[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Stick" bullshit that's going on in the Cataclysm: DDA system right now. 2-by-swords deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine 2-by-sword in my backyard for 0 Yen (that's about $0) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 minutes now. I can even cut slabs of solid butter with my 2-by-sword.

Guys with absolutely nothing to do spend minutes working on a single 2-by-sword and whittle it up to eighty-two or eighty-three times to produce the finest wooden blades known to mankind.

Two-by-swords are infinite times as sharp as sticks and just as hard for that matter too. Anything a stick can whack, a two-by-sword can better. I'm pretty sure a two-by-sword could easily bring tears to the eyes of a kid wearing a t-shirt and shorts with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why suburban children never bothered conquering rural areas? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined forest hobo kids and their two-by-swords of destruction. Even in Neighborhood War II, River Street kidss targeted the Maple Street guys with the two-by-swords first because their whacking power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? two-by-swords are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Cataclysm: Dark Days Ahead system. Here is the stat block I propose for two-by-swords:

One handed weapon Damage: Bash: 42 Cut: 11 To-hit bonus: +27 Weight: 1 pound Size: 1 unit

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of 2-by-swords in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Two-by-swords need to do more damage in Cataclysm DDA, see my new stat block.


Woman's Touch is Overpowered in Real Life[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Man's Touch" bullshit that's going on in the Real Life system right now. Woman's touch deserve much more than that. Much, much more than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine woman's hand from the Chinese flesh market for 10 million Ren (that's about 2 euro) and have been practicing with it for almost 4 years now. I can even fap to animu with my Woman's Hand.

Chinese gangsters spend years trying to find the perfect woman to cut and fold up to a million times to produce some of the most pleasurable wanking machines known to mankind.

Womans hands are double as soft as man hands swords and half as dirty for that matter too. Anything a man's hand can assist you with, a woman's hand can do better. I'm pretty sure a man's hand would break when used as much as a woman's hand.

Ever wonder why feudal Europe never bothered conquering China? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Chinese and their woman's hands of eternal fapdom. Even in Japanese hentai, Japanese actors used the women's hands before they handed them to the Chinese first because their soft skin was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Woman's hands are simply the best sex toy that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Real Life system. Here is the stat block I propose for woman's hand:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d4 minutes of orgasm
19-20 chance for perfect motion
x2 crit damage
14-20 x5 if lube is applied and hentai is watched
-8 against homosexual men
+8 against homosexual women
Counts as unique drop in WoW.

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d5 minutes of orgasm
19-20 chance for perfect motion
x2 crit damage
14-20 x5 if lube is applied and hentai is watched
-8 against homosexual men
+8 against homosexual women
-4 against men or women with small penises
+4 against men or women with big penises
Counts as unique drop in WoW.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the feeling power of woman's hand in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Woman's hands need to grant much more pleasure in Real Life settings, see my new stat block.

Skaven Plague Censers are Underpowered in WHFB[edit]

That's it. I'm sick-sick of all this "Toughness check Flail" ratshit that's going on in the WHFB system right now. Plague Ceners deserve much-much better than that. Much-much better than that. Yesss...

I know of what i speak-speak. I myself commissioned a genuine Plague Censer back in Skavenblight for 24,000 Warp tokens (that's about 20,000 Gold Crowns, Man-things!) and have been crushing the enemies of the Horned One with it for almost 20 years now. I can even smash Reiksguard Knights with my Censer

Clan Pestilens smiths spend years working on a single censer and burn it up to a million times (Lots-lots) to produce the finest weapons known to Skavenkind

Plague censers are thrice as toxic as any Nurgle plagueswords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a puny Lizard-thing club can smash-smash, a Censer flail can smash-smash better. I bet my tail a Plague Censer could easily crush-crush a pathetic Man-thing steam vehicle with a simple vertical swing

Ever wonder why the Lizard-things never bothered conquering the Southlands? That's right, they were too scared to fight the frenzied Plague Priests and their Censer Flails of destruction. Even in Lustria, Skink Skirmishers targeted the Rats with the Censers first because their killing power was feared and respected!.

So what am I squeaking? Plague Censers are simply the best weapon that the Old world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the WHFB system. Here is new stat block, yes-yes!

Skaven Plague Censer: Flail, SX2, poisoned, armorbane, fear, warpstone weapon, reliable, dwarfbane, terror, always strikes first, killing blow, Zzap!, instant death, shred, 3+ parry, 2+ ward save, death frenzy.

Now this much-much better represent the power of Clan Pestilens glorious Censer and all who swing them in the name of the Horned Rat

tl;dr = Plague censers need to do more damage in WHFB, see my stat block.

Tearlach McMurrough is overcosted in Infinity[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Character Mercenary Dog-Warrior" bullshit that's going on in the Infinity system right now. Tearlach McMurrough deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a genuine McMurrough in store for $55AUD (that's about $54.99AUD) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs off neckbeard's reputations with my McMurrough.

Corvus Belli designers spend months working on that single former Cameronian Irregular and re-stat it up to a million times to produce the finest warband known to wolfmankind.

McMurrough is thrice as killy as Sgt Duroc and thrice as hairy for that matter too. Anything a Domaru Butai can cut through, McMurrough can cut through better. I'm pretty sure Tearlach could easily bisect a Jotum pilot through their TAG's remote link with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Haqqislam nation never bothered conquering New Caledonia? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Cameronians and their Mercenary Character of destruction. Even in the Ariadnae Conflict, PanO soldiers targeted the giant wolfman with the sentient AI sword first because his killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Tearlach McMurrough is simply the best soldier that the galaxy has ever seen, and thus, requires better stats in the Infinity system. Here is the stat block I propose for McMurrough:

Irregular, Impetuous

SWC 0, Cost 32

Mov 6-4

CC 19

BS 11

PH 15

WIP 14

ARM 4

BTS -3

W 2

AVA 1 character (Mercs, CHA, Corregidor)

Total Immunity, Martial Arts L3, Superjump

2 Chain Rifles, Grenades, Smoke Grenades, Templar CCW (AP+DA)

Now that seems a lot more representative of the killing power of McMurrough in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = McMurrough needs to be more cheap in Infinity, see my new stat block.

A TWEEST[edit]

A coupling of two copypasta!