The following article is a /tg/ related story or fanfic. Should you continue, expect to find tl;dr and an occasional amount of awesome.
"Sir, Slaanesh just started crying."
"Just as planned."
The Sisters of Battle - paragons of faith and purity; violent points of light in the grim darkness of the far future. It is their god-given duty to ensure that mankind does not stray from the light of the Emperor. Having heretical thoughts, knowing forbidden knowledge or being unfortunate enough to have been born with a mutation or psychic powers is a sure fire way to get your ass purged; also everyone living on your block, just to be sure. But despite their rigorous training - which puts even the toughest Imperial Guard regiment to shame - some sisters encounter an obstacle that even they feel they are unable to overcome. Spurred on by their (mistaken) sense of shame, these self-damned few, in their quest to attain absolution, place themselves in squads known as the Sisters Repentia so that they may atone for their delusional sins. Ordinarily a Sisters Repentia squad finds absolution in death; its members don mere scraps of leather and chain eviscerators to their hands and then blindly charge the nearest enemy. As hilarious as it is to picture a bunch of semi-nude nuns bull rushing a carnifex or a baneblade through a hail of gunfire, it is, admittedly, a fucking manly way to die. But such was not the case with the /tg/-created order: the Sisters of Cleaning.
The Canoness of the order the Sisters of Cleaning belonged to found their purity wanting, their minds clouded by secret desires. Rather than let them work out their frustrations the usual way (e.g. lesbian sex, killing things with fire, etc...) the Canoness contacted a remote Imperial Guard outpost to inform them under Inquisitorial decree that they were to induct the repentia squad into their unit and break them of their temptations of the flesh however they saw fit. What was proposed was blatant. What resulted was unexplainable.
When the repentia squad arrived unsupervised at the outpost they were besieged by wanton, lusting males. Their clothing was ripped from their shivering bodies and muscular arms held their slender frames down. Their orifices were filled by the throbbing, virile manhood of every guard stationed there as they writhed helplessly underneath their attackers, unable to withdraw their invading flesh. No. None of this happened as they had secretly hoped. Instead they were met by a single guardsman who beckoned that they follow him. Thus, began their first assignment -- latrine duty.
Exactly the opposite of the lead character in a harem animoo, the SoC go about their daily duties as surrogate maids for the guardsmen, performing menial tasks such as unclogging toilets and fixing sandwiches all the while surrounded by hundreds of men who are utterly oblivious to any of their sexual advances. The running gag being that every situation they find themselves in is both ripe with equal parts sexual innuendo and sexual frustration. An example would involve one of the sisters bending over in front of some guardsmen to pick up bullet casings while exposing her feminine form to them -- only to dejectedly discover the hoots of adoration the men bellow are not directed at her but towards a Departmento Munitorum requisition catalogue showcasing a shiny new storm bolter. Love doesn't bloom on this battlefield.
Eventually the sisters contact their Canoness to plea their case, that the guardsmen are just that -- guardsmen -- unflinchingly professional and loyal to a fault. They beg to be reinstated in the order which the canoness ultimately denies. She tells them that despite what they were *really* sent there for, they are still there as punishment. No matter how stiff it seems, or how hard it gets, they are to see it through to its climax. And there they remain; stationed in the middle of nowhere, sexually ignored, making sandwiches with their -4 Str and rooting out toilets instead of heresy. For the Emperor...
 Anecdotes of the Sisters of Cleaning
Sister: "Sooo... heard any rumors about monsters lately?"
Sister: "Nothing? Well maybe your buddies said something about the Emperor? Something, y'know, blasphemous?"
Sister: "Oh, alright. Perhaps... you find your spirit wanting? Maybe you find that there is something you... desire?"
Guard: "Not really."
Sister: "You sure?! Because you can tell me! Haha! Haaa..."
Guard: "Uh, well, can you make me a sandwich?"
A Sister of Cleaning bends over to pick up some bullet casings while sweeping the barracks
Guard 1: "Yeeeeah! I'd like to squeeze my hands around that!"
Still bent over, the sister gasps
Guard 2: "You said it! My ammo belt'd wrap around that so hard..."
The sister blushes
Guard 3: "I'd haul that baby to the top of our rhino and mount it right there!"
The sister is now wet with anticipation
Sister: "Well if you want it so ba-"
She sees them looking at an ammo requisition form for a storm bolter, and dejectedly starts weeping to herself
Sister: "But, Canoness! T-these men aren't heretics! They're just... just... STUPID! Muscle-headed apes who are so preoccupied with guns and sandwiches that they wouldn't know a heretic if it walked up to them and spake of the Black Library!"
Canoness: (over televox) "That's ENOUGH!"
Canoness: "No buts! You and your sisters are there as punishment. No matter how stiff your punishment seems, or how hard it gets, you are to see it through to its climax. Is that understood?!"
The sister nods forlornly
Canoness: "Over and out."
An Imperial Guardsman comes in and begins to unbuckle his pants
Guard: "I'm glad I found you, sister. I have something for you."
The sister's eyes widen
Guard: "My fatigues are torn. Can you stitch them up for me?"
The guard walks behind a filing cabinet, and tosses over his pants onto the sister's head
The sister twitches as she barely keeps from unholstering her bolter
Guard: "Hey sister, could you please... grab my wiener?"
Sister: blushing "Oh my! What a thing to ask of a sister! But, if you asked so politely, I have no choice but to accept..."
Guard: "Thanks, it's in the fridge in the kitchen. I wrote my name on it."
Two guardsmen stand a small distance from a Sister of Cleaning
Guard 1: "Man, look at her neck's contour, I'd love to drill her. "
The Sister's ears perk up, pretends she didn't hear it
Guard 2: "Oh yeah, I can see that. And look at her chest. I bet she's a real screamer. You could probably hear her from across the barracks when she gets going."
Oh my goodness! Talking about such things in the open, they must be heretics! Now's my chance to get off this rock, and maybe get a little action on the way...
Guard 1: "It would be a lot more fun than drilling the other guards, that's for sure."
The other guardsmen? No wonder they're so cold to us girls! Oh the Canoness is going to love this!
Guard 2: "Yeah, anything would be an improvement over that."
Sister walks up to the two guards
Sister: "Hello boys, are you two talking about me? Remember I'm on orders to do whatever you say, no matter what you ask me to do..."
Guard 1: "We don't want to force you sister, but... if you're willing, how would you feel about... "
Sister: "Yes? YES?"
Guard 2: "...joining the local Drill Team? We need another singer, and from what I've heard you chant while you clean those toilets I think you're just what we need!"
A Sister of Cleaning was mopping the floor of the locker room, lamenting her station while quietly imploring the Emperor for some 'action'.
Suddenly, as she hears the marching of dozens of footsteps, her eyes widen in anticipation.
As the guardsmen hurry into the locker room, they all toss a pile of filthy fatigues on her before they can notice her.
As she grumbles about not being able to see a damn thing, she digs her way out only to see the door to the showers slam shut.
As she turns around to facepalm, the shower doors swing open and the guards throw their towels on top of her, again oblivious to her presence.
She again digs her way out, to find the room empty.
Thus, she weeps, and wonders why the Emperor would deprive her of even a fleeting voyeuristic pleasure.
A Sister of Cleaning grumbles as she works on her hands and knees behind a low wall weeding some plants
Guard 1: "Really? you are going to nail her good?"
Guard 2: "Of course. Look at this wood. How can I not help but want to nail her good and hard?"
The sister's ears perk up, as she slowly looks over the wall
Sister: "How can I help you guardsmen!" (maybe said with a bit too much excitement)
The sister sees the two guardsmen standing there with a hammer and nails getting ready to fix a broken fence
Guard 1: "Yes sister?"
The sister slowly sinks back behind the wall. Face twitching some.
Guard 1: "Oh, I'll bet shes just FILTHY!"
a Sister of Cleaning stops in her tracks, when she realizes there's already people in the galley
Guard 2: "Yes, yes, and seeing as she hasn't done it in quite a while, I bet she'd finish up, right quick!"
Guard 1: "Ha! Right you are. Hell, after they haven't done it in a while, they're practically EAGER."
The sister walks in, trying to walk sultry-like
Sister: "Hello boys...!" (chirping as she talks)
Sister: "What were you just talking about?"
Guard 1: "Why, you of course!"
the sister's eyes widen
"Guard 2: "Oh, yes. We knew you hadn't done latrine duty in some time, so we didn't think you'd mind if we re-assigned you!"
An Imperial Guardsman gets a Sister of Cleaning alone in a corner
Guard: "Hey Sister. I know this isn't standard protocol, and it might get me in trouble but... you just seem like somebody I can trust."
Sister: "Of course you can trust me. I'd never tell anybody anything you told me... or did to m-"
Guard: "I just can't hold it in any more. Sister... do you want to see my cock?"
The sister's heart is beating hard, she starts getting wet with excitement
Sister: "Ye... yes! I'd love to see it. C-can I touch it too?"
Guard: "Oh, you can stay up all night petting it if you want. We can't do it here though. Follow me to my room."
The sister follows him, literally shaking with excitement, tears of joy forming in her eyes
The guard opens the room and walks to a small cube of metal mesh in the corner of the room and removes a chicken from it
Guard: "His name is Sergeant Clucky! I raised him all the way up from an egg I got from a local farm! Isn't he precious? Go on, pet him!"
The next day the guard was flogged for harboring a live animal. The Commissar found out through an anonymous tip.
Two Sisters of Cleaning are seductively washing a vehicle in skimpy, white clothing
Sister 1: "Oh, I sure hope all this water doesn't... Oh, darn. My favorite white robes are all wet and cold!"
She rubs her breasts as they become visible through the cloth
Sister 2: "The same happened to me as I was extending and thrusting against this window to get it clean!"
She gyrates her posterior while tightening her legs
A Guardsman walking by stops dead in his tracks, a cigarette falls from his mouth
Guard: "Sweet Emperor!"
Sister 1: "Oh, Guardsman!" (while winking)
Sister 2: "Can we get a change of clothes from you?"
Guard: "I'd certainly say so. Here's a couple of Hazmat suits to put on over your clothes. We took this badboy to war with the Orks and the wheels still have some spore on 'em. You inhale, and you'll be vomiting for weeks! As you were, ladies."
Sisters of Cleaning: O_O
Two Sisters of Cleaning are sitting in their dorm, one of them crying in the other's lap
Sister 1: "I don't know how much more I can take! UUuuuah!"
Sister 2: "We must be strong! For the Emperor, remember?"
Sister 1: "B-but I feel like I'm going to burst inside! I need to feel someone's touch..."
Sister 2: "...Don't cry. Come here."
The sisters stare at each other for a moment and lean in for a tender kiss when they are startled by a knock on the door
Guard 1: "Hey, hey, hey! Ladies! We need to borrow one of you for the evening? Which one'a ya is it gonna be?"
Sister 1: "Huh?"
Guard 2: "It's party-time! We're gonna need a woman that's willing, able, and who doesn't mind getting her hands REALLY dirty-- if you know what I mean!"
The sisters look excited and Sister 2 urges her sister to go with him
Hours pass when Sister 1 returns bruised, sweaty, and with torn clothing
Sister 2: "Oh! By the Emperor!" (looking excited)
Sister 1: "Urrrrggghhh...."
Sister 2: "Er, what happ--"
Sister 2: "...the guards needed an extra pair of hands to help them replace the engine in the land raider with a new one."
Sister 1: "Ohh. Hm. Uh, hey you still wanna--"
Sister 2: "No."
A Sister of Cleaning is folding laundry, and feeling particularly grumpy
An Imperial Guardsman approaches
Guard: "Hello, Sister. I need you in my bunk. I have some work for you."
Guard: "Oh, it's work that is really 'HARD.'"
Sister: "I will change your bedding later. I am swamped."
Guard: "That's-- "
Sister: "I WILL GET TO IT WHEN I GET TO IT!"
Later in the day she finally makes it to his quarters. She notices the sheets are perfectly clean and made.
On an Ecclesiarchy chapel on some ship somewhere in the Imperial Navy
Priest: "That will be all for today, my children. Go in the peace and love of our most blessed Emperor."
The congregation shuffles out, save for one Sister of Cleaning in fervent prayer in the front pew.
Priest: sits next to the Sister quietly, a mischievous look in his eyes "Good evening, Sister."
Sister: awakes from prayerful trance "G-good evening, father. Is there something you need?"
Priest: "...Well, as a matter of fact, Sister, there is something I desire from you. Something... special."
Sister: blushes curiously "F-father?"
Priest: inches closer, passionately "Because, at the end of the day, all Emperor-fearing men of the Imperium -- be they a humble Guardsman, a cleric, or a perfectly average layperson -- needs a little something to keep them fighting the good fight. Something only a very special woman can provide. One... such as you! Your reputation preceding you!"
Sister: excited "Oh, Father! How could you ever talk of such things... a man of the cloth, in his very chapel! Well, I suppose there's no use fighting it, you've got me cornered..." begins unbuttoning blouse
Priest: "Splendid! The priest's home needs a cook to fill in this week, our food servitor broke down last Tuesday and the replacement hasn't arrived yet."
Sister: sighs "Yes, Father." begins exiting
Priest: "Also, on your way out, could you send for my Altar Boy, please? Remind him to bring my 'special kit.' He'll know what I'm talking about."
A Sister of Cleaning is making sandwiches in the galley as she hears footsteps approach
Guard 1: "So you going to get her to rub your helmet?"
Sister suddenly grows attentive and stops what she's doing
Guard 2: "Oh yes. I'll bet she gets it all nice and wet."
A smile grows on the sister's face
Guard 1: "You sure she'll be able to do it all? I've seen your helmet, and it's rather big."
The sister walks up to guards, grinning
Sister: "Hello boys! Anything you want me to DO?"
Guard 2: "Yeah, my helmet's got all this gore on it. Be a dear and clean it, will you?"
The guard passes his helmet to the sister and walks away oblivious
Guard 1: right before walking off too "It was pretty cool. Those are the remnants of a Slaaneshi tentacle monster. It was violating the female Imperial Guardsmen and everything before we blew it up!"
The sister's face is twitching, she holds the helmet so tightly it cracks slightly
Guard: "Oh, Sister. Would you mind helping me with something?"
Sister: "Is there another leaky faucet or something?"
Guard: "No. Nothing like that. I need you to do some, uh, "modeling" for me."
Guard: "Oh, yes. In fact... I'm going to ask you to do to a special pose."
Sister: getting interested "Ahh! Hahahaha! A special pose! I think I know just what you're asking for!"
Guard: "Ok, great! I have all my equipment for the painting right here."
The guard begins setting up his easel and canvass
Sister: batting eyelashes "So... will this painting be for your "private" use when you're alone?"
Guard: "Not exactly. I think a lot of the guys will be using it. Ok! Now, get down on your hands and knees facing me, hunch yourself over a bit, and open up your mouth in a menacing way!"
The sister breaks out into a naughty smirk and does just as she was told
Two hours pass by and the sister is still giddy
Guard: "...ok... done!"
The sister stands up and works her way to the painting excitedly
Sister: "uh... what is it that I'm... looking at?"
Guard: smiling "You made for a great reference model! With you posing like that, it was just a matter of a few extra touches, and, VOILÀ! The perfect target for firing practice!"
The sister stares with her mouth gaping as she continues to look at the painting of a chaos-spawn that half looks like her, half looks like a disgusting Nurgle monster
Guard: "Terrific isn't it? Later, we'll make some copies of it that we'll be able to shoot at all day!"
The sister slowly walks off while fighting tears
It was payday and a group of Imperial guardsmen decided to go town to a nearby town to spend some of their hard-earned money.
The Sisters had said something about "wanting to come so badly," but they had to leave them behind. (If they didn't, who would scrub the toilets?)
Most of the men ran straight for the weapon shops and armor depots, but one soldier had something else on his mind.
He wanted a companion, somebody who he could live with and teach to love The Emperor, but who he could keep hidden from the prying eyes of command.
So he went to a local market and bought the finest egg he could, because eating raw eggs helped him think.
To his great surprise the egg did not taste at all like a normal egg. It tasted much too feathery, and it moved around too much.
When he spat it out he discovered it was a live chicken! And, despite his oral ordeal, he was completely unharmed!
"This must be fate," he thought. "And fate is the will of The Emperor. Like it or not, this chick is now part of the Imperial Guard."
Regaining his composure, he addressed the small bird, "Welcome aboard, soldier! I like you, but you're going to have to start from the bottom like everybody else! Maybe some day you'll work yourself up the rank, but until then you're... Private Clucky!"
A Sister is fueling up a newly requisitioned Hellhound on a hot day in very light skimpy clothing
Guard 1: "Oh, look at that baby"
The sister perks up and listens more intently
Guard 2: "Oh yeah, I'd love to mount her. Feel her purring beneath me."
The sister stops cleaning and gets a feeling of anticipation
Guard 1: "Oh Emperor, yes. Imagine what its like filling her with liquid."
The sister touches herself and feels she's wet
Guard 2: "Oh, but that's nothing compared to what it would be like when she spits HER 'holy liquid', if you know what I mean."
At this point, the sister turns around, her face completely red, and her hand over her crotch.
Guard officer: "Wanna take her for a wild ride, boys?"
The Sister gets a face filled with excitement and glee.
Sister: "Oh, I-I guess I hav-"
She's cut off as the Guardsmen, along with the officer, rush to the Hellhound and drive off
The sister is left in a puddle of tears and natural lubricant.
Guard: "Ahem. Excuse me... sister?"
Sister: "Sigh. Yes?"
Guard: "I know."
Sister: "You know what?"
Guard: "You know; why you were stationed here."
Guard: "The, ah, REAL reason..."
she blushes bright red
Guard: "I'm just a guardsman. One in billions. I have no right to be asking a sister..."
her heart beating heavily, the sister asks him what
Guard: "I... I want to be with you."
Guard: "B-but if you, I mean if you don't want me t-"
the sister grabs him and kisses him passionately, just as the guard embraces her the commissar rounds the corner
Commissar: "PRIVATE! How dare you sully a daughter of the Emperor?! HERETIC!!!"
Sister: "No, wait! You don-"
KERZAP!! The guardsman is summarily cattle-prodded by the irate Commissar. When he wakes up, he finds that he has been shipped to the front lines of Zaraxtaven IV, which is being besieged simultaneously by Tyranids and the Dysentery Chaos Marines of Nurgle.
The sister, appearing emotionally scarred by the event, is given an extra hour for lunch break
Guard: "Throne! Sir, that's a big one."
a Sister of Cleaning in the next room happens to overhear
Officer: "I know, I can't wait for one of those sisters to come and help me slam it home into a nicely greased up chamber, so I can really let it blow. After all this time, ripping one out is going to feel tremendous!"
the sister stands upright and starts to walk over, licking her lips and trying to put on a provocative pose
Sister: "May I be the one to help you here, boys?"
Officer: "Why certainly. You seem strong enough, bend over will you?"
Sister: "Ooh.. you mean right here?"
Officer: Well, actually, a bit to the right, please. The earthshaker rounds are in the black crate."
the sister sighs and looks for the crate
Guard 1: walking off "There is so much you can do with earthshaker rounds."
It had been a month since Private Clucky had been drafted, and he was excelling in his studies.
The guard spent all his spare time teaching him, and he could see it was starting to pay off.
The time he didn't spend pecking at the heretic face that activated the food dispenser he spent on the obstacle course (consisting of a bowl of water, a bowl of food, and a bunch of sawdust) training for the day, the guard was sure, he would be able to fight heretics.
Little did either of them know that day was today. Too late did the guard notice the horrible monster slip into Clucky's cage.
A vile monster with elongated, flailing limbs! A bulging body! Crass dark eyes! And horrible mandibles!
This was clearly a beast of chaos, and the young Guard was sure of it!
He was frozen with the terror, but Clucky's training had prepared him well.
In one swift action, Private Clucky devoured the grasshopper whole.
"You... you saved my life! That was amazing Private Clucky! Private... that name isn't enough. No mere private could do what you just did. I'm moving you up a rank. For your historic bravery, I am in your debt... Congratulations, Corporal Clucky!"
Guard: "Excuse me, sister."
Sister: rolls eyes "Yes?"
Guard: nervously "I have a favor to ask of you. It's not exactly within the scope of your duties and, well, it's kinda personal so if you don't want to, I mean I'd like for you to but ..."
Sister: attentively "I see," leaning in closer "just let me know how I can help."
Guard: "Well, it's just that I'm still young and I never actually--"
Sister: licking lips "Oh, the younger the better...!"
Guard: excited "Really? That's great! My mom always wanted me lo learn High Gothic! Can we start tonight?"
the sister mumbles unintelligibly
The next day, the guard was flogged and forced to preform his drills in irons for the two weeks after cheerfully calling his Sergeant "a son of an Ogryn" in high gothic.
a Sister of Cleaning is being held with her arms bound behind her back by a group of Imperial guardsmen.
they snicker and cheer as they tear her clothing from her
Sister: "N- noooo! Please!"
Guard 1: "Quiet you!"
Guard 2: "She's got quite a mouth, though. I think I'll put it to good use! he release himself from his pants, and prepares to stick it in her mouth
Guard 3: "She looks pretty wet down there. I'm gonna split you wide open, sis!" he says this as he bends her over and spreads her legs
Sister: "N-ahh! You... you heretics! You wouldn't!" she tries to sound angry, is but secretly elated
Guard 1: "You guys ready?" he says this as he prods her bottom
Guards: "YES, SIR!"
as the men converge on her, she is overwhelmed by the feeling-- as though she were being shaken and made to vibrate
Guard: "Yo, sister. Rise and shine. Let's get some breakfast started, we got an early drill today."
the sister hauls herself out of bed, rubs the sleep from her eyes, puts on her robe, and lets out a sigh
A Guardsman is sitting on a Chimera. When he sees a Sister walking outside, he opens the hatch.
Guard: Hey, Sister, I got a favor to ask.
Sister: *sigh* What is it now...*expecting a simple cleaning job*
Guard: You've got some talent for making weapons shiny, could you polish my lasgun?
Sister: *sigh* ok... *takes the guardsman's gun*
Guard: Not that one. Here. *opens his zipper. The sister notices a bulge in his pants.*
Sister: OhmyEmperor finally! I always wanted to---
Guard: Clean my gun? *shows laspistol hidden in his groin pocket*
Cleanliness is next to holiness! Ask any Sister of Cleaning who, on any given day, roots out toilets (instead of heresy). For the Emperor!
The Emperor's work is never done...
In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only... SEXUAL FRUSTRATION!
Sergeant Clucky refers you to the filename!
She'll unclog your pipes and clean up your mess! Nope! Not a metaphor.
The Commissar has enlisted the services of Sergeant Clucky in his office where he guards against the intrusions of xeno grasshoppers!
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