Sisters of Cleaning

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Small Book.pngThe following article is a /tg/ related story or fanfic. Should you continue, expect to find tl;dr and an occasional amount of awesome.
She'll unclog your pipes and clean up your mess! Nope! Not a metaphor.

"Sir, Slaanesh just started crying."
"Just as planned."

The Sisters of Battle - paragons of faith and purity; violent points of light in the grim darkness of the far future. It is their god-given duty to ensure that mankind does not stray from the light of the Emperor. Having heretical thoughts, knowing forbidden knowledge or being unfortunate enough to have been born with a mutation or psychic powers is a sure fire way to get your ass purged; also everyone living on your block, just to be sure. But despite their rigorous training - which puts even the toughest Imperial Guard regiment to shame - some sisters encounter an obstacle that even they feel they are unable to overcome. Spurred on by their (mistaken) sense of shame, these self-damned few, in their quest to attain absolution, place themselves in squads known as the Sisters Repentia so that they may atone for their delusional sins. Ordinarily a Sisters Repentia squad finds absolution in death; its members don mere scraps of leather and chain eviscerators to their hands and then blindly charge the nearest enemy. As hilarious as it is to picture a bunch of semi-nude nuns bull rushing a carnifex or a baneblade through a hail of gunfire, it is, admittedly, a fucking manly way to die. But such was not the case with the /tg/-created order: the Sisters of Cleaning.

The Canoness of the order the Sisters of Cleaning belonged to found their purity wanting, their minds clouded by secret desires. Rather than let them work out their frustrations the usual way (e.g. lesbian sex, killing things with fire, etc...) the Canoness contacted a remote Imperial Guard outpost to inform them under Inquisitorial decree that they were to induct the repentia squad into their unit and break them of their temptations of the flesh however they saw fit. What was proposed was blatant. What resulted was unexplainable.

When the repentia squad arrived unsupervised at the outpost they were besieged by wanton, lusting males. Their clothing was ripped from their shivering bodies and muscular arms held their slender frames down. Their orifices were filled by the throbbing, virile manhood of every guard stationed there as they writhed helplessly underneath their attackers, unable to withdraw their invading flesh. No. None of this happened as they had secretly hoped. Instead they were met by a single guardsman who beckoned that they follow him. Thus, began their first assignment -- latrine duty.

Exactly the opposite of the lead character in a harem animoo, the SoC go about their daily duties as surrogate maids for the guardsmen, performing menial tasks such as unclogging toilets and fixing sandwiches all the while surrounded by hundreds of men who are utterly oblivious to any of their sexual advances. The running gag being that every situation they find themselves in is both ripe with equal parts sexual innuendo and sexual frustration. An example would involve one of the sisters bending over in front of some guardsmen to pick up bullet casings while exposing her feminine form to them -- only to dejectedly discover the hoots of adoration the men bellow are not directed at her but towards a Departmento Munitorum requisition catalogue showcasing a shiny new storm bolter. Love doesn't bloom on this battlefield.

Eventually the sisters contact their Canoness to plea their case, that the guardsmen are just that -- guardsmen -- unflinchingly professional and loyal to a fault. They beg to be reinstated in the order which the canoness ultimately denies. She tells them that despite what they were *really* sent there for, they are still there as punishment. No matter how stiff it seems, or how hard it gets, they are to see it through to its climax. And there they remain; stationed in the middle of nowhere, sexually ignored, making sandwiches with their -4 Str and rooting out toilets instead of heresy. For the Emperor...

Anecdotes of the Sisters of Cleaning[edit]

Sister: "Sooo... heard any rumors about monsters lately?"

Guard: "No."

Sister: "Nothing? Well maybe your buddies said something about the Emperor? Something, y'know, blasphemous?"

Guard: "Nope."

Sister: "Oh, alright. Perhaps... you find your spirit wanting? Maybe you find that there is something you... desire?"

Guard: "Not really."

Sister: "You sure?! Because you can tell me! Haha! Haaa..."

Guard: "Uh, well, can you make me a sandwich?"

Sister: "..."


A Sister of Cleaning bends over to pick up some bullet casings while sweeping the barracks

Guard 1: "Yeeeeah! I'd like to squeeze my hands around that!"

Still bent over, the sister gasps

Guard 2: "You said it! My ammo belt'd wrap around that so hard..."

The sister blushes

Guard 3: "I'd haul that baby to the top of our rhino and mount it right there!"

The sister is now wet with anticipation

Sister: "Well if you want it so ba-"

She sees them looking at an ammo requisition form for a storm bolter, and dejectedly starts weeping to herself


Sister: "But, Canoness! T-these men aren't heretics! They're just... just... STUPID! Muscle-headed apes who are so preoccupied with guns and sandwiches that they wouldn't know a heretic if it walked up to them and spake of the Black Library!"

Canoness: (over televox) "That's ENOUGH!"

Sister: "B-but..."

Canoness: "No buts! You and your sisters are there as punishment. No matter how stiff your punishment seems, or how hard it gets, you are to see it through to its climax. Is that understood?!"

The sister nods forlornly

Canoness: "Over and out."

An Imperial Guardsman comes in and begins to unbuckle his pants

Guard: "I'm glad I found you, sister. I have something for you."

The sister's eyes widen

Guard: "My fatigues are torn. Can you stitch them up for me?"

The guard walks behind a filing cabinet, and tosses over his pants onto the sister's head

Guard: "Thanks."

The sister twitches as she barely keeps from unholstering her bolter


Guard: "Hey sister, could you please... grab my wiener?"

Sister: blushing "Oh my! What a thing to ask of a sister! But, if you asked so politely, I have no choice but to accept..."

Guard: "Thanks, it's in the fridge in the kitchen. I wrote my name on it."

Sister: "..."


Two guardsmen stand a small distance from a Sister of Cleaning

Guard 1: "Man, look at her neck's contour, I'd love to drill her. "

The Sister's ears perk up, pretends she didn't hear it

Guard 2: "Oh yeah, I can see that. And look at her chest. I bet she's a real screamer. You could probably hear her from across the barracks when she gets going."

Oh my goodness! Talking about such things in the open, they must be heretics! Now's my chance to get off this rock, and maybe get a little action on the way...

Guard 1: "It would be a lot more fun than drilling the other guards, that's for sure."

The other guardsmen? No wonder they're so cold to us girls! Oh the Canoness is going to love this!

Guard 2: "Yeah, anything would be an improvement over that."

Sister walks up to the two guards

Sister: "Hello boys, are you two talking about me? Remember I'm on orders to do whatever you say, no matter what you ask me to do..."

Guard 1: "We don't want to force you sister, but... if you're willing, how would you feel about... "

Sister: "Yes? YES?"

Guard 2: "...joining the local Drill Team? We need another singer, and from what I've heard you chant while you clean those toilets I think you're just what we need!"


A Sister of Cleaning was mopping the floor of the locker room, lamenting her station while quietly imploring the Emperor for some 'action'.

Suddenly, as she hears the marching of dozens of footsteps, her eyes widen in anticipation. As the guardsmen hurry into the locker room, they all toss a pile of filthy fatigues on her before they can notice her.

As she grumbles about not being able to see a damn thing, she digs her way out only to see the door to the showers slam shut.

As she turns around to facepalm, the shower doors swing open and the guards throw their towels on top of her, again oblivious to her presence. She again digs her way out, to find the room empty.

Thus, she weeps, and wonders why the Emperor would deprive her of even a fleeting voyeuristic pleasure.


A Sister of Cleaning grumbles as she works on her hands and knees behind a low wall weeding some plants

Guard 1: "Really? you are going to nail her good?"

Guard 2: "Of course. Look at this wood. How can I not help but want to nail her good and hard?"

The sister's ears perk up, as she slowly looks over the wall

Sister: "How can I help you guardsmen!" (maybe said with a bit too much excitement)

The sister sees the two guardsmen standing there with a hammer and nails getting ready to fix a broken fence

Guard 1: "Yes sister?"

The sister slowly sinks back behind the wall. Face twitching some.


Guard 1: "Oh, I'll bet shes just FILTHY!"

a Sister of Cleaning stops in her tracks, when she realizes there's already people in the galley

Guard 2: "Yes, yes, and seeing as she hasn't done it in quite a while, I bet she'd finish up, right quick!"

Guard 1: "Ha! Right you are. Hell, after they haven't done it in a while, they're practically EAGER."

The sister walks in, trying to walk sultry-like

Sister: "Hello boys...!" (chirping as she talks)

Sister: "What were you just talking about?"

Guard 1: "Why, you of course!"

the sister's eyes widen

Sister: "Really??"

"Guard 2: "Oh, yes. We knew you hadn't done latrine duty in some time, so we didn't think you'd mind if we re-assigned you!"


An Imperial Guardsman gets a Sister of Cleaning alone in a corner

Guard: "Hey Sister. I know this isn't standard protocol, and it might get me in trouble but... you just seem like somebody I can trust."

Sister: "Of course you can trust me. I'd never tell anybody anything you told me... or did to m-"

Guard: "I just can't hold it in any more. Sister... do you want to see my cock?"

The sister's heart is beating hard, she starts getting wet with excitement

Sister: "Ye... yes! I'd love to see it. C-can I touch it too?"

Guard: "Oh, you can stay up all night petting it if you want. We can't do it here though. Follow me to my room."

The sister follows him, literally shaking with excitement, tears of joy forming in her eyes

The guard opens the room and walks to a small cube of metal mesh in the corner of the room and removes a chicken from it

Guard: "His name is Sergeant Clucky! I raised him all the way up from an egg I got from a local farm! Isn't he precious? Go on, pet him!"

Sister: twitch

.
.
.

The next day the guard was flogged for harboring a live animal. The Commissar found out through an anonymous tip.


Two Sisters of Cleaning are seductively washing a vehicle in skimpy, white clothing

Sister 1: "Oh, I sure hope all this water doesn't... Oh, darn. My favorite white robes are all wet and cold!"

She rubs her breasts as they become visible through the cloth

Sister 2: "The same happened to me as I was extending and thrusting against this window to get it clean!"

She gyrates her posterior while tightening her legs

A Guardsman walking by stops dead in his tracks, a cigarette falls from his mouth

Guard: "Sweet Emperor!"

Sister 1: "Oh, Guardsman!" (while winking)

Sister 2: "Can we get a change of clothes from you?"

Guard: "I'd certainly say so. Here's a couple of Hazmat suits to put on over your clothes. We took this badboy to war with the Orks and the wheels still have some spore on 'em. You inhale, and you'll be vomiting for weeks! As you were, ladies."

Sisters of Cleaning: O_O


Two Sisters of Cleaning are sitting in their dorm, one of them crying in the other's lap

Sister 1: "I don't know how much more I can take! UUuuuah!"

Sister 2: "We must be strong! For the Emperor, remember?"

Sister 1: "B-but I feel like I'm going to burst inside! I need to feel someone's touch..."

Sister 2: "...Don't cry. Come here."

The sisters stare at each other for a moment and lean in for a tender kiss when they are startled by a knock on the door

Guard 1: "Hey, hey, hey! Ladies! We need to borrow one of you for the evening? Which one'a ya is it gonna be?"

Sister 1: "Huh?"

Guard 2: "It's party-time! We're gonna need a woman that's willing, able, and who doesn't mind getting her hands REALLY dirty-- if you know what I mean!"

The sisters look excited and Sister 2 urges her sister to go with him

Hours pass when Sister 1 returns bruised, sweaty, and with torn clothing

Sister 2: "Oh! By the Emperor!" (looking excited)

Sister 1: "Urrrrggghhh...."

Sister 2: "Er, what happ--"

Sister 2: "...the guards needed an extra pair of hands to help them replace the engine in the land raider with a new one."

Sister 1: "Ohh. Hm. Uh, hey you still wanna--"

Sister 2: "No."


A Sister of Cleaning is folding laundry, and feeling particularly grumpy

An Imperial Guardsman approaches

Guard: "Hello, Sister. I need you in my bunk. I have some work for you."

Sister grumbles

Guard: "Oh, it's work that is really 'HARD.'"

Sister: "I will change your bedding later. I am swamped."

Guard: "That's-- "

Sister: "I WILL GET TO IT WHEN I GET TO IT!"

Later in the day she finally makes it to his quarters. She notices the sheets are perfectly clean and made.

Sister: "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUU----"


On an Ecclesiarchy chapel on some ship somewhere in the Imperial Navy

Priest: "That will be all for today, my children. Go in the peace and love of our most blessed Emperor."

The congregation shuffles out, save for one Sister of Cleaning in fervent prayer in the front pew.

Priest: sits next to the Sister quietly, a mischievous look in his eyes "Good evening, Sister."

Sister: awakes from prayerful trance "G-good evening, father. Is there something you need?"

Priest: "...Well, as a matter of fact, Sister, there is something I desire from you. Something... special."

Sister: blushes curiously "F-father?"

Priest: inches closer, passionately "Because, at the end of the day, all Emperor-fearing men of the Imperium -- be they a humble Guardsman, a cleric, or a perfectly average layperson -- needs a little something to keep them fighting the good fight. Something only a very special woman can provide. One... such as you! Your reputation preceding you!"

Sister: excited "Oh, Father! How could you ever talk of such things... a man of the cloth, in his very chapel! Well, I suppose there's no use fighting it, you've got me cornered..." begins unbuttoning blouse

Priest: "Splendid! The priest's home needs a cook to fill in this week, our food servitor broke down last Tuesday and the replacement hasn't arrived yet."

Sister: sighs "Yes, Father." begins exiting

Priest: "Also, on your way out, could you send for my Altar Boy, please? Remind him to bring my 'special kit.' He'll know what I'm talking about."

Sister: "..."


A Sister of Cleaning is making sandwiches in the galley as she hears footsteps approach

Guard 1: "So you going to get her to rub your helmet?"

Sister suddenly grows attentive and stops what she's doing

Guard 2: "Oh yes. I'll bet she gets it all nice and wet."

A smile grows on the sister's face

Guard 1: "You sure she'll be able to do it all? I've seen your helmet, and it's rather big."

The sister walks up to guards, grinning

Sister: "Hello boys! Anything you want me to DO?"

Guard 2: "Yeah, my helmet's got all this gore on it. Be a dear and clean it, will you?"

The guard passes his helmet to the sister and walks away oblivious

Guard 1: right before walking off too "It was pretty cool. Those are the remnants of a Slaaneshi tentacle monster. It was violating the female Imperial Guardsmen and everything before we blew it up!"

The sister's face is twitching, she holds the helmet so tightly it cracks slightly


Guard: "Oh, Sister. Would you mind helping me with something?"

Sister: "Is there another leaky faucet or something?"

Guard: "No. Nothing like that. I need you to do some, uh, "modeling" for me."

Sister: "Modeling?"

Guard: "Oh, yes. In fact... I'm going to ask you to do to a special pose."

Sister: getting interested "Ahh! Hahahaha! A special pose! I think I know just what you're asking for!"

Guard: "Ok, great! I have all my equipment for the painting right here."

The guard begins setting up his easel and canvass

Sister: batting eyelashes "So... will this painting be for your "private" use when you're alone?"

Guard: "Not exactly. I think a lot of the guys will be using it. Ok! Now, get down on your hands and knees facing me, hunch yourself over a bit, and open up your mouth in a menacing way!"

The sister breaks out into a naughty smirk and does just as she was told

Two hours pass by and the sister is still giddy

Guard: "...ok... done!"

The sister stands up and works her way to the painting excitedly

Sister: "uh... what is it that I'm... looking at?"

Guard: smiling "You made for a great reference model! With you posing like that, it was just a matter of a few extra touches, and, VOILÀ! The perfect target for firing practice!"

The sister stares with her mouth gaping as she continues to look at the painting of a chaos-spawn that half looks like her, half looks like a disgusting Nurgle monster

Guard: "Terrific isn't it? Later, we'll make some copies of it that we'll be able to shoot at all day!"

The sister slowly walks off while fighting tears


It was payday and a group of Imperial guardsmen decided to go town to a nearby town to spend some of their hard-earned money.

The Sisters had said something about "wanting to come so badly," but they had to leave them behind. (If they didn't, who would scrub the toilets?) Most of the men ran straight for the weapon shops and armor depots, but one soldier had something else on his mind.

He wanted a companion, somebody who he could live with and teach to love The Emperor, but who he could keep hidden from the prying eyes of command. So he went to a local market and bought the finest egg he could, because eating raw eggs helped him think.

To his great surprise the egg did not taste at all like a normal egg. It tasted much too feathery, and it moved around too much. When he spat it out he discovered it was a live chicken! And, despite his oral ordeal, he was completely unharmed!

"This must be fate," he thought. "And fate is the will of The Emperor. Like it or not, this chick is now part of the Imperial Guard."

Regaining his composure, he addressed the small bird, "Welcome aboard, soldier! I like you, but you're going to have to start from the bottom like everybody else! Maybe some day you'll work yourself up the rank, but until then you're... Private Clucky!"


A Sister is fueling up a newly requisitioned Hellhound on a hot day in very light skimpy clothing

Guard 1: "Oh, look at that baby"

The sister perks up and listens more intently

Guard 2: "Oh yeah, I'd love to mount her. Feel her purring beneath me."

The sister stops cleaning and gets a feeling of anticipation

Guard 1: "Oh Emperor, yes. Imagine what its like filling her with liquid."

The sister touches herself and feels she's wet

Guard 2: "Oh, but that's nothing compared to what it would be like when she spits HER 'holy liquid', if you know what I mean."

At this point, the sister turns around, her face completely red, and her hand over her crotch.

Guard officer: "Wanna take her for a wild ride, boys?"

The Sister gets a face filled with excitement and glee.

Sister: "Oh, I-I guess I hav-"

She's cut off as the Guardsmen, along with the officer, rush to the Hellhound and drive off

The sister is left in a puddle of tears and natural lubricant.


Guard: "Ahem. Excuse me... sister?"

Sister: "Sigh. Yes?"

Guard: "I know."

Sister: "You know what?"

Guard: "You know; why you were stationed here."

Sister: "...!?"

Guard: "The, ah, REAL reason..."

she blushes bright red

Guard: "I'm just a guardsman. One in billions. I have no right to be asking a sister..."

her heart beating heavily, the sister asks him what

Guard: "I... I want to be with you."

Sister: "!!!"

Guard: "B-but if you, I mean if you don't want me t-"

the sister grabs him and kisses him passionately, just as the guard embraces her the commissar rounds the corner

Commissar: "PRIVATE! How dare you sully a daughter of the Emperor?! HERETIC!!!"

Sister: "No, wait! You don-"

KERZAP!! The guardsman is summarily cattle-prodded by the irate Commissar. When he wakes up, he finds that he has been shipped to the front lines of Zaraxtaven IV, which is being besieged simultaneously by Tyranids and the Dysentery Chaos Marines of Nurgle.

The sister, appearing emotionally scarred by the event, is given an extra hour for lunch break


Guard: "Throne! Sir, that's a big one."

a Sister of Cleaning in the next room happens to overhear

Officer: "I know, I can't wait for one of those sisters to come and help me slam it home into a nicely greased up chamber, so I can really let it blow. After all this time, ripping one out is going to feel tremendous!"

the sister stands upright and starts to walk over, licking her lips and trying to put on a provocative pose

Sister: "May I be the one to help you here, boys?"

Officer: "Why certainly. You seem strong enough, bend over will you?"

Sister: "Ooh.. you mean right here?"

Officer: Well, actually, a bit to the right, please. The earthshaker rounds are in the black crate."

the sister sighs and looks for the crate

Guard 1: walking off "There is so much you can do with earthshaker rounds."


It had been a month since Private Clucky had been drafted, and he was excelling in his studies. The guard spent all his spare time teaching him, and he could see it was starting to pay off. The time he didn't spend pecking at the heretic face that activated the food dispenser he spent on the obstacle course (consisting of a bowl of water, a bowl of food, and a bunch of sawdust) training for the day, the guard was sure, he would be able to fight heretics. Little did either of them know that day was today. Too late did the guard notice the horrible monster slip into Clucky's cage. A vile monster with elongated, flailing limbs! A bulging body! Crass dark eyes! And horrible mandibles! This was clearly a beast of chaos, and the young Guard was sure of it! He was frozen with the terror, but Clucky's training had prepared him well. In one swift action, Private Clucky devoured the grasshopper whole. "You... you saved my life! That was amazing Private Clucky! Private... that name isn't enough. No mere private could do what you just did. I'm moving you up a rank. For your historic bravery, I am in your debt... Congratulations, Corporal Clucky!"


Guard: "Excuse me, sister."

Sister: rolls eyes "Yes?"

Guard: nervously "I have a favor to ask of you. It's not exactly within the scope of your duties and, well, it's kinda personal so if you don't want to, I mean I'd like for you to but ..."

Sister: attentively "I see," leaning in closer "just let me know how I can help."

Guard: "Well, it's just that I'm still young and I never actually--"

Sister: licking lips "Oh, the younger the better...!"

Guard: excited "Really? That's great! My mom always wanted me lo learn High Gothic! Can we start tonight?"

the sister mumbles unintelligibly

The next day, the guard was flogged and forced to preform his drills in irons for the two weeks after cheerfully calling his Sergeant "a son of an Ogryn" in high gothic.


a Sister of Cleaning is being held with her arms bound behind her back by a group of Imperial guardsmen.

they snicker and cheer as they tear her clothing from her

Sister: "N- noooo! Please!"

Guard 1: "Quiet you!"

Guard 2: "She's got quite a mouth, though. I think I'll put it to good use! he release himself from his pants, and prepares to stick it in her mouth

Guard 3: "She looks pretty wet down there. I'm gonna split you wide open, sis!" he says this as he bends her over and spreads her legs

Sister: "N-ahh! You... you heretics! You wouldn't!" she tries to sound angry, is but secretly elated

Guard 1: "You guys ready?" he says this as he prods her bottom

Guards: "YES, SIR!"

as the men converge on her, she is overwhelmed by the feeling-- as though she were being shaken and made to vibrate

Guard: "Yo, sister. Rise and shine. Let's get some breakfast started, we got an early drill today."

the sister hauls herself out of bed, rubs the sleep from her eyes, puts on her robe, and lets out a sigh



A Guardsman is sitting on a Chimera. When he sees a Sister walking outside, he opens the hatch.

Guard: Hey, Sister, I got a favor to ask.

Sister: *sigh* What is it now...*expecting a simple cleaning job*

Guard: You've got some talent for making weapons shiny, could you polish my lasgun?

Sister: *sigh* ok... *takes the guardsman's gun*

Guard: Not that one. Here. *opens his zipper. The sister notices a bulge in his pants.*

Sister: OhmyEmperor finally! I always wanted to---

Guard: Clean my gun? *shows laspistol hidden in his groin pocket*


  • Sister of Battle is making a sandwich while cursing under her breath, the frustration of the oblivious guards getting to her.*

Guard: Hey, you seem pretty mad. Sister: Hmm? *Still making the sandwich* Guard: It's obvious what's wrong. Sister: *Eyes widen* Guard: And I know exactly how I can help! Sister: Uhhh what? Guard: Here, I'll show you, with tasty tasty mayonnaise! Sister: *Please let that be a metaphor, please let that be a metaphor!*

-The Guardsman walks up confidently to the now surprised Sister of battle-

Guard: See you have to put the mayonnaise on the bread first before you put on the meat to act like glue otherwise it falls apart which forces you to flatten the top like you were doing before.

The sisters eyes continue to widen in what the Guardsman assumes to be gratitude or thanks before he walks off.

The sandwiches were all flatter then usual the next day.


New guy: "hey guys, what's with all the chicks in robes and shit?" Gaurdsman: "oh, they're some sisters of battle or something that have to do whatever we tell them to"

  • new guy's eyes get wide* "anything?"

"anything." "wow. uh, ok."

3 hours later, he's found dead of a crushed pelvis. no one seems to know anything.

the autopsy later proves that his pelvis was crushed by treads, specifically from a Leman Russ battle tank. he had apparently been directing several sisters in parking the motor pool... not a particularly smart idea considering their lack of experiance with driving guard vehicles.


Major: "I'm glad I found you, sister. I've wanted to talk."

  • sister looks up dejectedly from the sandwich-makings*

Sister: "... yes? What is it, Major?" Major: "I'd kind of like to apologize for my subordinates. I know they're not the brightest humanity has to offer."

  • the sister is only half-listening, hands idly continuing with the sandwich assembly*

Major: "I know it can be frustrating how oblivious they can be. And I know for a young Sister in your position, it can all be a bit frustrating."

  • the sister looks up, daring to hope that this is all real*

Sister: "Y-you don't say..." Major: "Of course, I see your frustration. And I want to help."

  • her heart starts racing, her imagination already playing out wild scenarios*

Major: "So, I hope you don't mind... I picked up a few new toys in town. We can use them together later tonight if you'd like."

  • the sister shivers in anticipation, a wet spot slowly spreading across her robes*

Major: "Here. These are for you."

  • he lays a new panini press and an assortment of cutlery in front of the sister*

Major: "I'll help you make some sandwiches later, to help break the thing in."

  • the sister's head hits the counter in frustration as the major strides out of the room, a shit-eating grin tugging at the corners of his mouth*

a sister of cleaning is scrubbing down a wall outside of a doorway. guard 1: dammit! i can't do it! guard 2: whaddya mean you can't 'do it'? it's easy! at the emphasis of those last few words, the sister's interest is piqued guard 1: if it's so easy, why don't you show me then?!?I honestly don't know how they even wear these! guard 2: look, you just grab 'er, wrap her around, and tie her up like so! it's easy! like tying up some boots! 'could it be true!?! one of my sisters being ravished so?' the cleaning sister thought

  • a feminine grunt escapes from the doorway*

'yes! yes! it must be! oh joy!' lean leans into the doorway to sneak a peak, wild imaginings ramming through her mind... only to be disappointed at the sight of two guardsmen, wearing aprons, and one of her comrades, struggling to open a pickle jar, with a row of unfinished sandwiches in front of her.

  • sigh*

  • sister hears voices whispering outside her door in the middle of the night*

Guard 1: "You really think this is a good idea?" Guard 2: "Of course it is. What, don't tell me this'll be your first time!"

  • the sister strains to hear more, her curiosity piqued*

Guard 1: "What if she reports us the the Commissar?" Guard 2: "Don't worry. I'll find a way to make sure she won't."

  • the sister is thrilled at the direction their conversation is taking*

Guard 1: "Anyway, by the time we're done, she won't have much energy left in her. She'll probably just pass out from exhaustion. After all, we got the whole squad in on this."

  • the sister feels a warm wetness between her legs, and her chest starts to feel painfully tight with excitement*

Guard 2: "Alright. Let's do it."

  • the guardsman knocks on the door, breaking the sister's tense anticipation*

Guard 2: "... we're all hungry. You wanna go on a kitchen raid with us and make some late-night sandwiches?"

  • the sister rolls over with a grunt and pretends to be asleep*

Two guardsmen are eating sandwiches and occasionally take a peek at the kitchens to view a sister making more. Another sister is present in the mess hall wiping up the tables and overhears the following conversation.

Guard1: Man all we do is have the sisters make us sandwiches. Guard2: What? You say that like it's a bad thing. Guard1: Well they're good but....

Pausing he looks over to the sister taking a slice of meat from the container next to her.

Guard1: Can you imagine what else those hands could do? I mean all they hold are slices of meat! Imagine them holding something big and juicy!

The sister cleaning up the mess hall pauses herself.

Guard2: Like what? Guard1: Well.....

  • Looking around the first Guardsman seems to have adopted a shifty persona, leaning in he whispers something into his friends ears. A mixture of horror, delight with a bit of drooling is plastered over the mans face which both confuses and arouses the spying sister.*

Guard2: Are you sure? Guard1: C'mon we only have to ask, I mean I'm sure they'll love the idea. Guard2: I dunno, I thought girls generally hated slimy stuff. Guard1: After all the sandwiches they make I'm sure they'll LOVE the chance to get dirty. Guard2: But TEN? Are you sure that they can handle them?

The sister at this point was panting, her imaginations began to run away with her.

Guard1: C'mon, every girl likes a big sausage, once she sees mine they won't be able to say no!

The sister at this point had built up her courage and considering her frustration decided to the most direct route would be best.

Sister: I'm sorry I couldn't help but overhear something about a big sausage, I LOVE big sausages! I can handle any amount!

Gaurd1: Told ya she'd love them, I have ten crates of the things at the quarter masters, we're hoping you and the girls could make something out of them for the men!


  • four Sisters of Cleaning are on latrine duty and engaging in idle chatter*

Sister 1: "...and so it was decided. For her pennance, she would have to do sober what she claimed she could do drunk!" Sister 2: "Whoa..." Sister 3: "So, did she go through with it?" Sister 1: "Yep. She sure did." Sister 4: "So she literally fucked a chainsword? By The Emperor... talk about a lousy way to go." Sister 1: "Believe it or not, she didn't die! Well, not at first." Sister 2: "Ouch." Sister 1: "The Apothecaries were able to keep her alive for DAYS." Sister 3: "At least her soul was saved." Sister 4: "Still, I hope I never screw up so badly that I have to go through something like that..." Sister 2: "Speaking of screw-ups, what's the latest on Sister Maris?" Sister 3: "That klutz..." Sister 4: "Sigh. Maris... the joke of the convent." Sister 1: "Not sure. Last I heard, she locked herself in her room in a fit of depression after that one time when she made those 100 sandwiches for the guards but didn't remove the cheese from the plastic wrappers."

  • the sisters giggle*

Sister 2: "Ha! I'm still reeling from when she put THREE coats of wax on the floor when she was mopping." Sister 3: "Oh, yeah. So many guards slipped and fell that night, the infirmary was backlogged for a week." Sister 4: "Or that time she mixed in the red baseball cap with the guards' laundry?" Sister 1: "It took weeks for their uniforms to fade back from looking pink." Sister 2: "They looked kind of cute, though." Sister 3: "I wonder if Maris ever tried to get any "action" from the guards?" Sister 4: "Well, seeing how she manages to screw up just about everything else, I'm guessing if she tried to--"

  • the sister trails off as they hear an Imperial Guardsman running down the adjoining corridor and yelling excitedly*

Guard: "I JUST HAD SEX WITH SISTER MARIS! I JUST HAD SEX WITH SISTER MARIS! I JUST HAD SEX WITH SISTER MARIS!"

  • the sisters start exchanging looks with their jaws hanging wide open*

Sister 2: "Did he just say--" Sister 3: "you heard it too?" Sister 4: "But how...?" Sister 1: "Wow. Guess she's not a complete klutz... Good going, Maris..."

  • elsewhere in the compound, Sister Maris and the guard are meeting in secret*

Sister Maris: "Let's see... 20... 30... 40... 50! There, fifty Imperial Credit Slips. Just as I promised." Guard: Heh. "Thanks, Sister." Sister Maris: "Oh, no. Thank you. Now, you're SURE that they heard you?" Guard: "You bet! I was pretty loud. I'd have been hard to miss." Sister Maris: "Ha! Well, now finally they might start taking me a little seriously."

  • the guard begins to walk off*

Sister Maris: "Say, I don't suppose you ever considered that we--" Guard: "No thanks. I'm gay."

  • a smile cracks on Sister Maris's face knowing she's still ahead of the game anyway*

  • Two SoC are settling into their new roles*

S1: This is insane. We’re their bloody MAIDS? S2: Relax. We can make this work.

  • Knock on the bunkroom door*

Guardsman: Ah, you’re both here. Good. I was hoping I get to have at least one of you. S1: *Flushing* Y…You need both of us? Guard: Of course, sister, there’s nearly a thousand of us here. S2: *Bites her lip* Well, then, we had better get started. Guard: *Grinning* Oh, I quite agree. Come with me.

  • All three make their way to the mess hall, both sisters trying to hide grins*

Guard: And here we are! *Stops next to door* I’m so glad you’re here. Can you imagine what having a thousand men to look after is like? S1: *Dazed and heady* I…I can only…imagine it. Guard: Welp, off you go! *Opens cleaning closet across from mess door and walks off whistling* S2: *Long pause* I’m really hoping we can make this work.


Random guardsman enters the quarters of the Sisters of Cleaning. All of the sisters are wearing white short cut tank tops, matching panties and nothing else. Guardsman(sweating a little): Sisters, you reported a problem? Lead Sister: Oh yes, the cooling unit in our quarters broke, and we are all so hot... Another sister: You look pretty hot yourself, why not let us get you out of that carapace armor? Guardsman: Not to worry sisters! Techpriest! get in here and fix this cooling unit! Techpriest: Ah, an easy repair, it seems like some wires were accidentally cut Lead Sister: But, wai... AAH! (all the sisters yelp and run for cover as they are blasted with freezing cold air) Guardsman: No need to thank me, sisters! (walks off) Sisters: -_-


The sisters are now adorned with heavy, fur-lined coats pulled over their shoulders, but hanging open, concealing almost nothing. They quickly encircle the lingering techpriest. Sister1: Oh, but we insist on thinking YOU for your trouble at least. Techpriest: Think nothing of it, my augmentations give me tremendous... stamina. (thinks a moment) Actually, there IS something you could help me with (gestures to his groin) Sister(kneeling down and slowly parting his robes): Well, we would be happy t- GAH! what IS that? Techpriest: Oh I had some unnecessary organs there replaced with a sanctified waste filtration unit. (He gives her what amounts to a colostomy bag from the rats nest of tubes and wires) Techpriest: The filter cartage has been backing up recently, thank you for offering to wash that out. The sister, fighting the urge to vomit, gingerly takes the bag to the latrine. Meanwhile the techpriest stands around, oblivious to the sisters gawking at the hole where his "unit" used to be.


  • a sister walks into the Major's office*

Sister: "You asked for me, sir?" Major: "I know asking to see you after hours is irregular, but I've heard you were born on Boscor IV. I used to be stationed there." Sister: "Really?" Major: "Yes, and I have to admit I've grown to miss that "Boscor hospitality", if you follow."

  • the sister blushes slightly and drops her gaze*

Major: "The ladies there really made you feel right at home."

  • the sister blushes even more furiously, trembling slightly*

Major: "Which was great, since on that snowball, there was a lot of free time and little else to do."

  • the sister closes her eyes as she feels herself growing wet from excitement*

Major: "Hell, I could really go for one of them right about now."

  • the sister clenches her thighs in one last attempt to hold herself back*

Major: "For that matter, I used to take two or three at once. They always told me I had some talent with my fingers and tongue."

  • the sister slowly begins to rub herself under the table, shivering with anticipation*

Sister: "A-anything you want... sir..." Major: "Excellent. I'd like three of your best Boscor-style bacon sandwiches. I knew you wouldn't let me down."

  • the sister staggers out in tears as the Major wonders if that might have been a little too mean*

The guardsman's jaw dropped as the closet door swung wide. In amongst the the mops, brooms and other cleaning supplies, two sisters of battle stared back at him, the women's uniforms were piled on the floor as if torn off in great haste. Their faces downcast in shyness, but with eyes staring longingly at his face, among other parts of his body. Guardsman: Is.. is everything alright sisters?

Guardsman: "I'm... I'M SORRY SISTERS! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LIKED MOPS THAT MUCH!"

  • the sisters hang their heads in disappointment as the guardsman hastily slams the door*

Two sisters of cleaning are carrying a jug of promethium fuel past some exercising guardsmen on the parade ground. Mumbling under her breath about "oblivious idiots" the first sister accidentally sloshes a few drops of fuel onto her apron. The second sister, thinking fast, cries out: "oh no, you spilled fuel on your uniform, take it off right away! Sister1: (getting the idea): "Oh no, please someone help me!" Sister2: "Oh, dear! While helping you out of your uniform, some fuel got on me as well, I better strip down immediately! By now the entire IG regiment has stopped their exercises to stare. The two Sisters are standing helplessly in their underwear, trying (but not very hard) to cover themselves with their hands, pale skin raising goosebumps as a slight breeze passes over suddenly revealed flesh. The guardsmen, moving as one, converge on the sisters. The women close their eyes in anticipation of what is about to happen....

A lucky move, since by the time they realized the warm wind blowing onto their necks was the propellant of three dozens of fire extinguishers firing on them simultaneously their clothes ahd already caught on fire

Major: " Moving promethium across the parade grounds while the guys are getting a much needed hellhound security course? Sister Maris, I'm disappointed in you"


A sister of cleaning was hauling out some trash when she overheard some guardsmen around the corner. guard #1: "Oh, I'd love to get my hands on a couple of jugs, man what I could do with them." The sister paused and listened intently. guard #2: "I know what you mean, I'd love to have a couple of milkbags in my hands right now, the thought makes me drool. The sister smiled to herself and loosened the top buttons of her uniform. guard #1: man, I would put my mouth on those jugs all day The sister pulled apart her blouse to show a dangerous amount of cleavage and walked around the corner. "Is there anything I could help you with, boys," she cooed as she leaned forward, nearly spilling out of her top. "Oh, yeah!" Said the first guardsman, "We'd both love it if you could get us a couple tall glasses of cool, refreshing milk!" "But, he said bags..." the sister said confusedly. "Oh sure!," replied the second guardsman, "I'm from Cadia and in Cadia milk comes in bags!"


  • sister finishes fixing the men's shower, decides to risk it*
  • gets excited thinking about what would happen if someone found her*
  • she rapidly grows frustrated that nobody has walked in on her yet*
  • Major pokes his head in*

Major: "Are you done in here yet? Because I told the guardsmen to wait until you were done out of courtesy."

  • the sister throws a towel around herself and punches a hole in the wall as she storms out, dripping water and more all the way down the hallway to her quarters*

Ya know... At some point, some poor guardsmen is going to be cornered by 3 or 4 of them in a dark corner some where with no escape.

They speak of the close calls, the innuendo, the complete idiocy around them and how they are going to take it out on him.

At which point, in an attempt to save himself, he reveals the entire base knows why they are there. And have been under orders to punish them accordingly.

The following day, as everyone went about there usual work, a small, whimpering voice came over the vox. To the horror of the men, especially those in the presence of a sister, the base commander read their orders word for word.

Base commander(to assembled guardsmen): Listen up men! As many of you have noticed, the Sisters of Cleaning regiment stationed with us have begun performing their duties in various states of undress! (some murmuring among the guardsmen, comments like "made my sandwich wearing only an apron") Commander: At ATTENTION! Now, while I am not privy to the inner workings of the Adepta Soroitas, I am fairly confident that this is some sort of purification rite among the sisters. If we were meant to be informed of anything more, we would be. Therefore, you are all hereby ordered to NOT acknowledge the sisters appearance whatsoever! You will not mention their clothing or lack thereof at any time! The commissar will be listening!

Sister1: Well... thats about the sum of it ladies. All the frustration, the indignity, the sandwiches. All because of orders at the top. Take it easy on them girls, most of them are simply oblivious idiots and they do have jobs to do, as do we. But for today and tomorrow, I think we all deserve a nice vacation. (as she runs her hands down the base commanders now bare chest)

Sister2: Some notes for the boys. 1) Surrender to your sexy sexy fates, it be a lot easier on all of us. The infirmaries will be over worked enough as is. 2)When a sister tells you to fuck her in the ass, you don't crack jokes or discusses options, you fuck her in the ass. Remember, we are stronger than you, resistance is futile.

Base commander: Boys... we have fought long an har.... no wrong words, we have fought many enemies in the emperor's name. But I fear his radiance will not save us this day. Regardless of what co.... no, no. Of what happens next, it has been an honor serving with you boys. I mean... you MEN.

Sister1: Touching commander, very touching. And men they shall be when were done. And speaking of touching.

The last thing the men hear is a low whimper before the vox cuts out.

Then the sister looks up from her fanfic parchment, sighs, and says

"Pssh, as if that's going to happen."


The sisters hopes are once again raised when they hear that a battalion of guardsmen is being shipped in from a primitive feral world, only recently rediscovered. "Surely these primitive brutes will have wild passions," they muse hopefully. They are doubly excited when row after row of hulking troopers march off the transport. They hear tales of how these men are selected at birth and raised to be brutes in combat and are considered little more than animals. And the sounds of their nipples hardening make a loud 'ping!' against their breastplates.

To their horror, they find that the first part of making these savage warriors is to castrate them at birth.


Sister Lutinia moves slowly through the dimly lit corridor, as to not disturb the other troops in their slumber with the sharp click of her augmented right leg.

"Oh, Sister... Veriatis?" came a buzzing mechanical voice from the shadows, belonging to a robed figure who clickly steps into the light to make her presence known.

"Lutinia." She corrects the tech priest with curt tone, struggling to make out any sign of a face beyond the glowing red goggle-eyes and a ribbed hose feeding into the shadows under the hood.

"Oh, forgive me." the priest bowed deeply, its mechandrites extending behind it to maintain balance. "I am Coginatrix Sucilla, fourteenth of fourty-four." it bowed again, "Please forgive my assumption, I mistook the sound of your augmatic for that of Sister Veriatis."

"Yes, well..." Lutinia glanced down and flexed it, hearing that tinny click each time she straightened it fully. "It's been like that for the past few weeks."

"Perhaps..." the priest seemed to hesitate, though it took Lutinia a moment to recognize it as something other than the odd pause its voice already carried. "I could be of assistance?"

"Oh?" Lutinia looked thoughtful, "You would have the time to assist me? I was told I would have to wait some time for the appropriate rites to be prepared."

"Oh yes, indeed." Sucilla replied eagerly, "I have a number of special tools available in my quarters, which should be able to resolve that pesky clicking and..." trailing off again, the priest moved a step closer, so that their bodies pressed close, and Lutinia realized at last for the noticable bulge of her bussome, that Sucilla was a woman.

The tech priest's voice lowered noticably as she continued, "I also have a number of other tools available to me. They are... discrete, sleek, and have a highly... penetrating vibration action that... with your permission, we could use to... test the limits of your body in... entertaining ways. Are you interested?"

Lutinia felt the her throat catch as the Tech Priest broke contact, fighting the urge to leap foreward and wrap her arms about her as she stepped back. "I... uhm..." she stammered, feeling her cheeks turn that rosy shade she hadn't had to endure being teased about since her years in the scholla, "I would... like that... I'll meet you there after I complete my patrol."

"Excelent!" The tech priest seemed to positively buzz with anticipation. "You will find me in section block fourty-nine, room three. Just up the stairs behind you to the left."

And with that, they parted ways, Lutinia's heart ready to leap out of her chest with each click of her knee, all the louder for the newfound snap in her step.

It wasn't until she found herself wandering back down that very same corridor at the end of her rounds that the growing sence of doubt had truly begun to gnaw at her. Tales love tried for and failed abounded amongst her sisters, and though such an opportunity, or the illusion of one had never presented itself to Lutinia, she had quietly hoped it never would.

Quietly coming to a halt just before the staircase, Lutinia sighed and took her chin in her hand. "You're smarter than this." she told herself sternly, taking a shaky step backwards before straightening herself out, turning on her heel and starting back to her dorm room. "Of course you are. You will not be made a fool of by such rubbish."

And she knew it, too. In the days and months to come, when she would, on occasion, encounter Sucilla again, whether it be in some public manner or through some unexpected encounter in the hallway late at night, the tech priest never again made such an offer. Instead, they would engage in short, awkward small talk, until at last even that ceased. Lutinia felt a great releaf, knowing she'd never need know what instane experiment the mechanicum adept had planned to 'test the limits' of her body.

For her part, Sucilla could never bring herself to look Lutinia in the eyes, again.


After all the indignities they had suffered, the Sisters of Cleaning were beginning to lose hope. But that bright spark of lust flared anew with the arrival of a Space Marine veteran of the Ultramarine chapter on a brief stopover in between battlefields. Standing tall, even by Space Marine standards, he toured the base with grace and politeness. However, when he came to the barracks of the Sisters of Cleaning he dismissed his escort and addressed the sisters personally. "Blessed sisters, I must confess that I have an ulterior motive in visiting this place. When I heard of your... situation I knew I had to come here personally. While we of the emperor's finest are provided almost everything by his divine will, we still have certain needs that we cannot fulfill ourselves." Said the space marine as he tapped a gauntlet-clad hand against his solid adamantine breastplate. The sisters all crowded around this towering paragon of the emperor's might, hopeful eyes all fixed on their apparent savior. If they were to be taken by such a man, to be brought to ecstasy by a literal instrument of the emperor's will, then all of the frustration and humiliation they had suffered would be worth it.

"Tell me sisters" He continued, oh-so-carefully brushing the pure-white hair from a nearby sisters face "have you ever seen a Space Marine out of his armor?" She was only barely able to gasp out a breathless "It would be an honor" before the mighty armor began to split and fold, until at last the glorious, Adonis-like body of the space marine was before them, muscles rippling as he said: "Thank you, I can only remove that armor once every 500 years and it is so hard to find someone trustworthy enough to clean it. " He then walked past the stunned sisters toward the showers, as a thick cloud rolled out of the suit: a half-millennium worth of accumulated man-sweat and recycled waste.

As the space marine rode the dropship up into the atmosphere, he couldn't help but notice a metal burr inside his suit that scratched at his lower back when he stood in certain positions. It seemed a minor annoyance, but it troubled him greatly, knowing that he could not remove the sacred armor for another 500 years...


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