Expect huge amounts of derp and rage, punctuated by /tg/ extracting humor from it.
|This article contains something which makes absolutely no logical sense, such as Nazi Zombie Mercenaries, Fucking Space Orangutans, anything written by a certain Irish leper, or Matt Ward creating (against all odds) a codex that isn't completely broken on every level. If you proceed, consider yourself warned.|
|This article or section contains opinions shared by all and/or vast quantities of Derp. It is liable to cause Rage. Take things with a grain of salt and a peck of troll.|
JESUS BLOODY CHRIST! THIS SHIT IS AWFUL! FACEPALM FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
Twilight is a 4-part book series/5-part movie series, centered around a faggot-offspring of a vampire who sparkles during the day and a Mary Sue who makes no fucking shitfucking damn fucking damn sense whatsoever. Twilight is THE pinnacle example that you really don't need to think of a good fucking damn storyline to become a hit with the fucking damn moronic masses. Twilight basically just slapped on some teenagers with fuckingretarded character developments, some popular mythological creatures, and a love story that makes as much sense as the current status of the Ultramarines, or for the non-devou/tg/uardsmen and ca/tg/irls, as much sense building a skyscraper at the edge of a steep cliff prone to landslides.
Indeed, the results of this horrid book of heresies are a legion of screaming 12 year old fangirls who'd defend the illogical storyline as if their lives depended on it, along with a fuckheug amount of cash AND a 5-part movie to boot. Who says you need talent to write a selling novel eh? Twilight has also cemented it's essence into the horrid world of fantard faggatory, alongside pretty much every last movie made in Disney that involves singing/dancing teenagers.
It's a book series that makes C.S.Goto look like fucking Dostoyevsky. Fa/tg/uys who were making fun of the Harry Potter series over its silliness (and it was legion) for the lulz suddenly realized that most of them should have been on their knees giving god a blowjob in thanks that at least that wasn't this shit. At least Potter was reasonably well-written: it had a followable storyline, it approached a few rather dark themes in a mature way, and it doesn't look like the writer was maybe playing FATAL while writing. Twilight (or Pinelight as some call it) makes it look like motherfucking Proust. If that wasn't bad enough, it has has dozens of times more coverage, and is something that we can't fucking get away from. DMs, writefags, and more have all suffered (and will suffer) because of this. On /tg/, making a thread that mentions ANYTHING (and we mean fucking anything) good about Twilight will ensure your thread is a burning pile of troll 1 minute later.
There is no escape from this shit.
Once upon a time, a Mary Sue named Bella gets saved from a car crash by Edward, another Marty Stu and he looks all emo and shit. After half a book of plodding romantic crap, we learn that he's a vampire (as though the sunken eyes and pale skin weren't a massive tipoff). But it's okay -- him and his family are vegetarian vampires, they don't drink human blood. Oh, and sunlight doesn't kill them, it makes them sparkle like Tinkerbell on a six-coffee bender.
I'm gonna die a horrible death during childbirth, and my kid's gonna look like a god-forsaken hellspawn all because I fucked a vampire. Oh wait, hold the phone-- it's ok, he's going to turn me into a vampire too, and mystical vampire magic will heal my spine so I can frolic through the forest in heels and a cocktail dress while my werewolf ex-boyfriend tries to fuck my baby hellspawn daughter.
Reader's Digest Versions
To save you the trouble of buying/downloading the book of heresies, along with steeling your very sanity to read it, here's basically the synopsis of all the stories with most of the faggatory filtered out, leaving only lulz:
"Twitlight" in a nutshell: Bloo hoo, I'm a maverick girl who's all alone because the other girls are bitches. Whoa! Spooky guy stopped a car with his bare hands! "Stay away from me, I'm (hand to forehead) not what I seem to be," says spooky boy. He's a vampire, but a totally non-threatening one, unless he gets aroused,in which case he says he'll rip my head off and fuck the stump, but I find that even more alluring. Oh noes! Some eeeeevil vampires want to kill Edward, so they're going to kidnap my mom... who abandoned me to travel the world with her new husband, so naturally I love her enough to sacrifice my life. Double oh noes! The evil vampire bit me! Here comes Edward to save the day, and to suck the poison out so I won't become a vampire. Now I want to take him to the Prom! Hey! Hey Edward! Can I be a vampire too? "I am a ninety-year old man, you're a sixteen year old little girl, yet somehow I feel you are my soul-mate, my peer, my equal... so, no, you can't join our club."
"New Moon" in a nutshell: "I love you so much that I'm never going to talk to you again, and I'm going to force my whole family to move with me to Italy," says Edward. "Bloo hoo hoo," says Bitchy Bella, "I'm so alone." "Hey let's be friends," says some douche named Jacob. "I'm in a gang, I'm a bad boy, and I'm gonna be a total cunttease by keeping things platonic." "You killed my husband in the first book!" says crazy-ass grief-stricken vampire. "Uh, no, that was Edward, and he broke up with me and left for Italy," says stupid Bella in a moment of clarity. "I'll save you!" says the new faggoty douche bag., "by
stopping the car with my vampire powers stopping the psycho with my werewolf powers." "(wet)" says Bella's vagina. Meanwhile: "Oh no, that crazy-ass vampire killed Bella," says Edward, "time to finally earn my emo-kid diploma and kill myself." "Stop!" says Bella and Edward's sparklesister. Then the Italian vampire mafia shows up; "either you break up with the bitch, or make her a vampire, or she sleeps with the fishes, capische?" "Let's all go back to crappy white-trash America instead of living here in Rome," says the stupid bitch, and they all did.
"Eclipse" in a nutshell: Vampires and Werewolves are natural enemies, just like in
World of Darkness the movie Underworld real life. Both Edward the vampy and Jacob the furry want to bone Bella (despite the fact that sex with either of them would MAIM or KILL her). Rivalry ensues. The fucked up psycho-bitch vamp from book two bites a shitload of NPCs to make n00b vampires to beat up Edward for killing her husband, and Bella for no good goddamn reason. Jacob's gang and Edward's family overcome their differences, their raid of level 80 monsters takes on Victoria's party of level 2 mooks in a battle so epic it didn't even get written on the book jacket. The one surviving noob vampire displays interest in the idea of becoming a "vegetarian vampire" herself, but as such a thing could provide an interesting character and an interesting exploration of her experience, she is summarily executed by a convenient plot device. At the end of the book Bella choo-choo-chooses Edward and they plan to get married.
Spines Dawn" in a nutshell: In Mormon America, nobody has sex before marriage, but we're married now, so let's fuck until your vag is a messed up bloody pulp". Says Edward. "Hellz yeah! But that's not gonna happen if we're careful." says Bella.
"Oh, sorry Bella, I kinda beat you bloody and bruised while we were having sex." "That's okay, momma told me it hurts the first time and I'm gonna bleed a little -- let's do it again, but this time could you keep from knocking me unconscious?" "It's okay baby, it ain't rape because we're married." "Oh shit, I'm pregnant. I told you to use a condom!" "That baby is half-vampire, it's gonna mess you up Bella." "No! Pro-life is a proper Mormon American value, I'm going to keep this baby even if I'm gonna die a horrible death during childbirth, and my kid's gonna look like a hellspawn" "Hi momma! I love you and poppa and since I'm a vampire I thought I'd grow to full size in just weeks, kick hard enough to break your ribs and spine -- and oh hell, your pussy isn't going to have time to dilate so is it okay if I just leave by tearing my way out through your abdomen?" "As your father, I have to say that's a bad idea -- let me use my vampire fangs to rip momma's vag a c-section large enough for you to get out." "Hi again, I'm Bella's ex-boyfriend Jacob, did you know that werewolves imprint on some girls just like baby ducks imprint on their momma? I just know that mewling placenta covered-infant daughter of yours is my one and only soul-mate and girlfriend. Have you met my cousin Pedowerebear?" "Edward, honey, I'm glad you finally made me a vampire after I asked you to in book one, and it means I didn't die, but couldn't you HAVE DONE IT BEFORE OUR BABY LAWN-MOWERED ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT?" "Eating people? Oh, of course not, I have vampire super powers that mean I don't get hungry around people, isn't that convenient and easy to write?" "Oi youse, we're da Vampire Mafia, didn't we tell you ta break up wit' her iffen ain't gonna make her a vampire?" "But she is." "Oh. Wait. That baby a' youse, ain't dat da chosen immortal one what will bring balance to da force?" "No, and all these vampire celebrities we've never seen before can swear that she isn't." "Oh, well, dat's awright den, youse kids have fun!" "Oh Edward, now we're both immortal vampires, I love you, you love me, and I can have married sex without looking like I belong in a women's shelter." "You guys, uh, need a babysitter?" "Fuck off, Jacob."
"Midnight Sun" in a nutshell: It's not out yet, and probably never will be. You see, the first draft got leaked on the internet and Oscar-Meyer just RAGEQUIT and put it on "indefinite hold". Thank you pirates, for
sparing inoculating us to the horror of yet another literary abortion, /tg/ (and humanity in general) salutes you. The book is gonna be the same as new Moon, except from Edward's point of view. That means the author will force people to buy the same book with the same plot again. But it's okay, cause it's from a different character.
"Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy" in a nutshell: Some other nutjob female writer, getting off on bella/edward/jacob sex/love triangle, got too turned on by all of it and added her own freaky imagination to the mix, where is it all BDSM-ing each other with chains and whips and so she wrote it into a series of erotic fan fiction online. The result being unfortunately other twilight fans went completely mental for it and she decided to sell her writers of literacy vomit as books, which sold quicker then crack cocaine and made the books some of the best selling of all time, which rightly makes you think of killing off the human race for being such morons. Of course no one can completely rip off anyone's ideas without fear of being sued so the freak had to change at least the names and locations but it might as well be called Twilight: Overt Kink Version. The three books have no more plot then 'man seeks to get with girl and we stretch it out with overblown angst and whining' and features frankly detailed and painfully written frequent sex scenes you will be embarrassed to know your granny/mum/sister/partner has been reading. 'You will literally find a cock on every page' saying came from this trilogy and the damn thing is being made into a movie too. What will be hilarious to know is how faithful they are with the depictions of kinky sex and nail-grating dialogue in the film....there is no 18 rating big enough for this movie. But Twilight still somehow manages to make it seem like a novel on par with fucking War and Peace.
In short, Twilight is like football between two champion teams you don't care about:
They run around for a few hours, nobody scores, guys take their shirts off for no apparent reason, and the millions of fans insist that you just don't understand.
They're also similar in that they are enjoyed by idiots.
The books need to be throw on a bonfire Hitler-style, the movies must be fired into the nearest convenient star and watched in great anticipation as they BURN, and Stephenie Meyers should be condemned to the ninth circle of hell for such treachery against the human race. May the devil feast on her soul!
But, as this is probably never going to happen, the intelligent/sensical inhabitants of Earth should move to the nearest habitable planet effective immediately to spare us from any more of this fucking shit, while launching an Exterminatus on earth just to be safe.
"When you read the [Twilight series], it’s like saying 'Edward Cullen is so beautiful I creamed myself.' I mean every line is like that. He’s the most ridiculous person who’s so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn't do it. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that’s how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he’s a 108 year-old virgin, so there’s clearly some issues there." - Robert Pattinson, Edward Cullen's actor in the movies, revealing himself as the greatest troll of all time and a pretty cool guy. But lets be honest here, we have to pity the poor bub for the fact that this abomination of a series kind of ruined his public image. (how about we remember him as the good and loyal hufflepuff, Cedric Diggory?)
"I work at the local county jail. Upon performing random cell searches I found an inmate to be in possession of the entire Twitlight series of books. I was just about to laugh when the entire cell block of 'hardened criminals' defended it calling it the most romantic books they’ve ever read." -ele5ment, Feb 8 2010.
"The scary part? This won an academy award over both Dark Knight and Slumdog Millionaire, two movies that this piece of shit isn't worthy to hold the jockstrap of. The current moviegoing generation is now obsessed with a verisimilitude-less fanfic about glittering fem-pires and a transparent Mary Sue." - UrinatingTree, September 2008.
"Both Rowling and Meyer, they’re speaking directly to young people… The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good." - Stephen King, February 3 2009
"Twilight Vampires are not vampires. They do not sleep in coffins and cannot turn into bats. However, they do suck blood and glisten in the sun...they're leeches" -Some (correct) random World of Warcraft nut
"Yes, vampires do sparkle... right before they burst into flames." -Die-hard DM, after being told about Twilight
"Son, in my day, vampires sucked blood, not cock." - my dad, and every dad worth his salt.
"I never thought I would ever feel sorry for Vlad the Impaler." - Some random Fa/tg/uy.
"I think Bella's such an uncaring, unstable idiot because Meyer made her an embodiment of the flaws and insecurities hidden in her target audience. Meyer even created this so-called story based on one of her own dreams (that's really where she got the idea for Twilight from). Ironically, it makes Meyer come across as vampiric; she preys on the insecurities and libidos of teenage girls for profit." - Some 4chan contributing anon.
"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force." -Dorothy Parker
"Twilight is that movie where angsty gay vampires do each other's makeup in high school, right? And instead of sunlight exploding them, it turns their skin into body glitter? I'm not judging you, man. That's a really, really cool thing to enjoy." -- Seanbaby, on Carlos Mencia's plea not to judge him for liking Twilight
"Bella. From Twilight. This has to be the most selfish, male-dependent, uncaring, manipulative, self-centered, pretentious, idiotic, whining little bitch-bag you will ever see in your entire life. And honestly, that wouldn't be too bad a character - it could be very interesting - if it was intentional. But it's not. Bella is supposed to represent the "every-day teenage girl." If that's the case, then the story really got mixed-up who the blood-sucking monster is. She thinks she's tortured, even though really, she has no problems. She gets a crush on a boy, and decides she wants to marry him, even though she's not even out of high school yet. She wants to be turned into a vampire, which everyone has said is throwing her life away - but of course, at the enlightening age of seventeen, she already knows exactly what she wants. Aren't you glad you followed through with every bright idea you had at seventeen? Aren't you totally glad you committed to something you knew you could never make a mistake on at that age? Oh yeah. Seventeen! Nobody ever fucks up at that age! The boyfriend tries to leave her so he can save her, but she constantly keeps throwing herself off cliffs and putting herself in danger, just so he can notice her. Good. Fucking. God. That's right, girls. If your boyfriend leaves you, do exactly this! I assure you, it won't backfire in the least. Sure, you might be dead, but... That'll teach him. She then gets another boy involved, who actually seems supportive and attentive, but she dumps him because the other guy looks at her weird. And by god, how can she turn down a guy with no personality, who just looks at her weird? Again, one of those brilliant choices you make at seventeen. So now a whole war is going on - all because of her - And everyone is going out of their way to protect her, and she's simply like: "Yeah, that's cool." oh, wait. She does try to say once that she's not worth it, but that only lasts a few seconds. She then realizes that she is worth it, and is totally on-board with having muscle-boys carry her around everywhere. And just as her boyfriend finally agrees to marry her? Imagine, a boy being pressured into marriage. She dicks around with the other guy, yet again. Oh my god. I mean, oh. My. God. I have never seen a character more needy, and more insecure. She is such a dumbass in distress that it's actually kind of scary. She is a scary character. In another dimension, maybe she could have been a great Shakespeare villain - this really complex, developed, psychotic mind. But as the common, every-day, relatable girl that we're all supposed to identify with? She is, and always shall be - the biggest dumbass in distress." -- The Nostalgia Critic, in a concise and extremely well-done beatdown on the character of Bella Swan.
The Author Hates Teh Gay
WARNING: Contains Politics.
Stephanie Meyer is a devout Mormon, and tithes a considerable amount of money from the sales of her Twatlight books to the Mormon church. Normally, this wouldn't be worthy of any real note, save for the fact that the church she tithes to is the exact same one that spent millions of dollars on advertising support for Proposition 8 - a bill outlawing homosexual marriage in California. The National Organization for Marriage, or NOM was a front-group for Meyer's church, and it was notorious for running ads portraying gay marriage as an oncoming Exterminatus, which wound up hilarious as one politically-savvy /b/tard infiltrated the audition and proceeded to bring the comedic thunder.
TL;DR: An investigation was launched (as said financing of Prop 8 was done in violation of California's disclosure laws), and the church was fined over their repeated failures to identify their involvement in the push for banning gay marriage. Hilariously, the very arguments dozens of members of NOM used to oppose gay marriage (most of which were worthy of a humor thread on /tg/, such as claiming that gays want to devour your biosphere) had no actual basis in reality and no actual quantifiable data to back said claims and inevitably led to Proposition 8 being overturned, meaning that Twilight, indirectly, was successful in wasting months of judicial work and millions of taxpayer dollars.
Ultimately, however, the fact remains undeniable: Every book Stephanie Meyer sells helps this group which actively has advocated ostracizing gays.
Which is completely retarded when you consider the fact the male characters spend 99.9% of the time walking around with no shirts on and play on an overwhelming homoerotica tension which is sinisterly calculated to induce hormonal frustration in underage teen girls/gay boys to the point they throw all their money at her in a wave of pounds and dollars. What is more retarded is all the gays who buy into that which in turn means their money is going to support the suppression of their rights.
So in spite of Twilight being quite gay in and of itself, and despite Meyer making metrosexual characters and plot-points that are gayer than 9 guys fucking 10 guys, she hates her those gays.
It's also offensive to Native Americans
Twilight's ridiculous abuse of vampires and werewolves is not news. What is surprising however, is that in Twilight the Werewolves are supposedly descended from the Pacific Northwest's Quileute Nation — a Native American civilization which, for the idly curious, is still around. Stephanie Meyer never asked the Quileute for permission to steal and frankly distort their peoples' sacred origin stories as an attempt to legitimize the backdrop of the lycanthropes in her book series. And she's laughing all the way to the bank.
Domestic abuse rates are at a substantially higher rate in the Native American community, and how does Twilight handle this delicate subject? By being an abuse apologist and a victim blamer, furthermore having the abused individual stay with her attacker because "he didn't mean it" and "I have to do what's right by him." If you listen closely, you can hear Stephanie Meyer playing Tammy Wynette's Stand By Your Man as she writes.
It has also been noticed that the vampires are portrayed as "rich, cultured" white people, while the "more savage" werewolves are "working-class" Native Americans. VERY UNFORTUNATE IMPLICATIONS INDEED.
Shinga was right, it actually does brainwash people
Theories have been flying around that it is brainwashing a generation or two of girls to think in exclusively Romance Novel terms. Of course, since the dude writing this doesn't go to forums with those kind of people (He would vomit!) examples of the brainwashing - a threat to all fa/tg/uys who are rather average-looking (Course in these bitches minds average probably equals ugly as fuck) and actually nice instead of handsome abusive jackasses - would be appreciated.
But that's not the most worrying part... Oh no. Check out this shit from Notalwaysright.com.
"'Less Twilight, More Daylight 7 (I am a vampire at a haunted house. My costume includes fangs, a cape, and of course, I am drenched in blood.)
Teenage girl: *looking extremely mad* “What is this?! They got your costumes all wrong!”
Me: *snarling, not dropping character* “You smell delicious…it’s so rare we get fresh victims…”
Teenage girls: “No, no, no! Vampires drink ANIMAL blood! And why aren’t you sparkling?!”
Me: “Your neck…it’s so…inviting—”
Teenage girl: “This is WRONG! You aren’t real vampires!” *stomps away*
'"Less Twilight, More Daylight 6
(I’m helping a customer in her early teens.)
Customer: “Hey, I’m trying to find a game for my boyfriend. Could you help me?”
Me: “Yeah, sure. What sort of—”
Customer: “Oh, the guy on this is hot! What’s this like?”
Me: “Oh, that’s the new Castlevania game. Basically, it’s about killing vampires and werewolves.”
Customer: “What!?! Why would anyone buy this?! Vampires and werewolves are cool and hot! You make me sick selling this! Haven’t you ever seen Twilight!? Vampires are like people!” *runs out of the shop with tears in her eyes*
Me: “I feel so sorry for her boyfriend.”
I Can Almost Feel Edward's Embrace (Note from Fluffy, the guy who wrote this: Sherrilyn Kenyon is very good, actually. Didn't see THAT coming, did you!)
Customer: “I want to know what romance books are good right now. I want a really good romance, since I’m going on vacation.”
Me: “Well, I don’t really read romance novels, but I can tell you what is popular. Have you read any Sherrilyn Kenyon?”
Customer: “What is it? Is it like vampires or something?”
Me: “It’s considered paranormal romance and is very popular.”
Customer: “Well, I don’t want anything unrealistic.”
Me: “Well, then you probably don’t want a romance novel.”
Customer: “I want something realistic like Twilight. Do you have any books like that?”
Less Twilight More Daylight 3 (Which actually has little to do with brainwashing, but it's a sick burn so it's included.)
(A customer approaches me with a box set of the Twilight novels.)
Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a gift for my 13 year old granddaughter and I think she would like these. My wife said to look at them. Don’t they promote abstinence?”
Me: “Well, sort of. The two main characters do end up sleeping together in the final book, though they are married. There’s some uncomfortable gore, though. I wouldn’t recommend it for a 13 year old.”
Customer: *confused* “I was told these would be great for her. What kind of gore do you mean?”
Me: “Well, the girl ends up getting pregnant with a half-vampire baby and, er, the male main character sort of rips it out of her with his teeth.”
Customer: *drops books in horror* “That’s horrific! And these are for teenage girls? Why would people read that?”
Me: “I wonder the same thing myself, sir.”
Friends! Americans! Countrymen! British! Canadians! Frenchmen! Everyone else because I don't feel like listing you all! Twilight is ruining our vampires!
One Redeeming Quality
- It's better than the Maradonia Saga.
- But, then again, that's like saying Cholera is preferable to Dysentery.
- It's most important quality is as a water-mark: as ele5ment pointed out above, it is the the type of story that hardened convicts in jail base their views on what romance is - enough to smuggle it in, argue with guards over, and sell each others a55h0les for. 50 shades of grey-style. Enough said.
- Objectively speaking, the mechanics of the vampires are not bad, and in a non poorly written novel would have been acceptable. Even the 'sparkling' is a good a reason as any staying out of sunshine if you want to avoid the whole 'burn in the sun' weakness (case in point, Dracula himself actually had a similar weakness; sunlight stunted his powers and made his skin wrinkled, but it didn't really hurt him). Additionally the concept of a pack of "vegetarian" (or at least, non-humanitarian) vampires, trying to avoid trouble, up against either a bunch of wandering, criminal vampires, or the vampire version of the government is a good concept, and it could be used as a decent plot hook for a Vampire the Masquerade or Hunter game.
- Also, it has revealed Robert Pattinson to be a pretty great guy and a Troll of magnificent proportions.
- The movies COULD'VE been Awesome. Paramount Pictures planned on rewriting the entire plot with Bella being competent and useful, and would have included fights between the police and the vampires. Stephanie Meyer came down with an acute case of Butthurt from this but unfortunately was able to get Summit Entertainment to make a more faithful to the book adaptation.
There is nothing else in this forsaken... existence. -Avitus.