Black Joker: 'Dead Man's Gun'

From 1d4chan

thread theme:

Oh look, a town. Hadn't been that long since I had been in one, a few days or so. No one wanted me around after that fiasco with the 3 of Spades. Hehe, blew the poor sap's arm clean off, then the other arm, then his head. Should've known better than to tangle with me. Maybe someday I'll meet a Card-wielder who'll know better. But I hope not. It's the killing that makes life fun, after all.

Stumbling into the nearest saloon, I sat down at the bar, my tattered and torn duster drifting against the floor. Damn low barstools.

“What'll you have, stranger?” The bartender asked, looking at me like one would gaze at a rat. Couldn't blame him, I suppose. Hadn't had a decent wash in days.

“Whiskey, double.” I said, looking straight into his eyes. “Leave the bottle here too.”

As most did, his eyes widened as he looked into mine, seeing the madness practically dancing on my pupils. “C-coming right up, sir.”

As he left, I felt a familiar tingle up my spine. A grin spread across my face. A Card-holder, here? Must be my damn lucky day. Glancing over my shoulder, I took note of the people in the bar, looking for the right one.

Ah, there he was. Tall, thin, looked like one of them Brits, almost. Stiff upper lip and all that. Holding a powerful piece, too, by the feel of it. He'd be just the thing to stifle my boredom. I could tell that he sensed it too, the way he shivered and glanced around, his hand slipping into his jacket.

A clink came from the bar, and I grabbed the glass and tossed the whiskey back, tasting its bitterness as it hit the back of my throat. Not that it'd do much. Alcohol never did much nowadays. Somedays I'd drink two or three bottles and still nothing.

Behind me, I heard wood shifting across the floor, as that Brit stood up, walking over to me. Seems he had a limp. “I know who you are.” He said, only loud enough to barely be heard over the saloon's din.

“Oh really?” I said, taking a swig straight from the bottle. “You going to be a stupid one like all the rest? Or you gonna try to leave it behind?”

“After what you did, I can't let it go.” He said, his hand curling around my shoulder. Fucking people, touching me. No one's worthy enough to touch me. “I'll meet you outside.” He left through the swinging saloon doors.

Taking another gulp of whiskey, I stood up and left the bar too. Almost felt sorry for the barkeep and the rest of the poor souls in there.


As I left, the sun was just about under the horizon, a few flickering torches lit around the town providing enough light to see by. The Brit was standing in the middle of the path, staring at me.

“Why'd you do it?” He asked as I strode towards him. “You decimated my hometown, and almost everyone in it! My family, my friends, you murdered every one of them!!”

“...Did I?” I asked, thinking. Not that I remembered the bastard or where his town was. Just another notch on the barrel, as it were. “Can't remember every town I destroy, you know. Too many to count by now.”

“I'll kill you!” He screamed, pulling a pistol from his jacket, aiming it at me. “I'll take you out with my Card, and then my family and friends will rest in peace!”

“Ah, the avenging hero.” I laughed, crossing my arms. “I would think you'd know better. Thought you'd try to run and put your past behind.”

“Shut up!” He yelled, cocking the hammer. “It's all your fault! And at this range, my Card will hit without fail!”

“Oh? What've you got? A Heart, a Club?”

“Jack of Hearts. Dragon's Eye, I call it. Once I've aimed it at someone and cocked it, the bullets will follow him anywhere, like a mythical dragon stalks its prey.” He said, grinning.

“Well ain't that a nice piece.” I said, grinning right back. “Too bad it'll be the last shots you ever fire.”

He laughed at that too, before lining his shot up once more. “Go to hell.” He said, pulling the trigger.

I saw the bullet leave the barrel. Saw the smoke and sparks fly as it flew towards me. It was powerful, no doubt. Too bad he chose the wrong opponent, though.

Almost nonchalantly, I reached out and grabbed the bullet out of midair. His expression was priceless. “Problem, Brit?” I asked, dropping the bullet to the ground. “I think you missed, Mr. Dragon.”

“Y-you...” He stuttered before gritting his teeth and firing again with the other five bullets in his chamber. Effortlessly, I dodged each, dancing around and swatting his bullets from the air.

“Missed again.” I said, taunting him. “Maybe you got a fake Card?”

“SHUT UP!” He said, quickly reloading. “I won't lose! For the sake of my loved ones, I won't!” He ran towards me, slamming his knee into my gut. Not that it hurt, but I played along, doubling over and falling backwards onto the ground. In moments, he was over me, his Card aimed squarely at my forehead, the barrel pressing against my skull.

“I don't know why you didn't draw, but it's the last mistake you'll ever make.” He said, smiling. “Even you can't dodge this.”



Ah, this was always my favorite part of the game. Watching their expressions change from joy, to confusion, to horror, as a grin spread across my face, the small hole in my forehead quickly vanishing as though a bullet had never perforated. He backed away as I pushed myself up, before shooting the rest of the bullets in his gun. Each hit. Didn't feel a thing.

“W-what the hell?!” He said, falling to the ground in shock. “I-impossible!!”

“I'll let you in on a few secrets before you die, Brit.” I said, reaching to the back of my belt, pulling the gun from its holster. “First, you may have the power of a Heart. But I can wield a Spade-” I fired one bullet at one of the torches, which knocked the torch into the saloon. The bullet ricocheted into each of the other torches along the line, setting half the buildings in the town alight. “And a Diamond...” I turned to the quickly burning saloon as people began to rush out to escape the growing flames, pulling the trigger twice more, filling the air with hundreds of bullets, perforating person, building, table, and everything in their way.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him get up and start to run away. Turning back, I continued, “A Heart-” Pulling the trigger again, shooting straight through his kneecap. I could hear the delicious sound of it shattering. As he stumbled and twisted around, I took aim once more. “And a Club.” The night rang out with the sound of a massive blast, as the arm and hand that had violated my person but a few minutes ago disintegrated in a haze of blood.

He fell to the ground, panting heavily, as I strolled up to him. “All that power may kill me soon, but...” I took aim one last time, right between his eyes. “After all, every gunslinger, Card or otherwise, knows the stories. The man, clad in black, bringing death and destruction where ever he goes. His gun, a legend in and of itself...” I leaned in close, twisting the gun so he could see the design on the black ivory grip: A jester, upside down, his tongue flopping out of his mouth and his eyes bulging, the image of pure madness. “At least this way, you'll go down in history. Another hero, and another town, leveled without a trace by the Black Joker.”

I pulled the trigger one last time, and savored every moment as the bullet pierced skin, crushed bone, blew apart his brain. God, I loved those sounds. Every day wasn't complete until I heard those delicious sounds. Absolutely outstanding.

The sound of an explosion brought me down from my high, as the fire reached the alcohol in the saloon, leveling the saloon and part of the buildings around it. A few people ran for their lives, escaping the fires now consuming the town. I could chase them down...But there was no sport in hunting mere humans like them. They wouldn't even put up a fight.

Shrugging, I slipped my Card back into its holster, looking at the destruction I had created this night. The rumors would spread once more, about the black man who destroyed another town. Who knows? Maybe that damn Dealer will hand out another Card to a lucky survivor, and they'll try to take revenge too. And I'll have another toy to play with.

Sometimes, I remember the man I used to be. The sap I was, simple and stupid. One random card game later, I found the most powerful Card of all. True, it twisted my mind, made me a little crazy, maybe even insane. But it made everything a hell of a lot more fun. Death, destruction, carnage is what fuels me now, and I love every minute. And that's what counts, right?

Wild Cards
Spades: 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - J - Q - K - A
Hearts: 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - J - Q - K - A
Clubs: 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - J - Q - K - A
Diamonds: 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - J - Q - K - A
Jokers: Red Joker - Black Joker
Introduction - The World - Gameplay - Stories of the world
On the Attainment, Ownership and Passing of The Cards
Variant Rule: Hands