User:BloodyStupidJohnson

From 1d4chan

Old Greybeard that started role-playing in the early '90s. Bear with me as I ramble on.

Editing guide

This is my sandbox
Yes, that's the Tarrasque cowering in fear. Yes, that's a Tornado fisting an Angel. Yep, that font is horrid. You're welcome. Did I mention that the two monsters here have CR 62 and 182 respectively?

The Immortals Handbook - Epic Bestiary is an hilarious independent splatbook born when a terminal D&D junkie named Craig Cochrane (otherwise known as Upper_Krust on the Web) dozed off to sleep after an heavy meal, a Doctor Who marathon and the consumption of one too many Marvel comix. This led him to seek answers to inane questions like "How many hit points does a planet have?" - "Can I have stats for a star-sized Elemental?" and "What about having monsters the size of continents?". This book has all the answers you need and more: if you've ever felt the need to throw an actual bucket TRUCKLOAD of dices, look no further.

Its selling points are the the passion and devotion that the author has put in this work, interesting concepts and some moments of sheer brillance, but the results are frankly staggering. It feels like a slow descent into madness: no single step is particularly worrying, but before you know you find yourself transitioned from "Hey, let's play a 40th level Mage, it's gonna be cool" to "I cast 17 multiversal abilities to hit a 3036HD Macrobe who wields a 656th level Dragon has a whip" (that's an actual Adventure Idea form the book)

All this and more is condensed in a jumble of broken math, some really cool concepts and a general lack of irony that makes the book:

  1. Totally useless in any serious game.
  2. Priceless in both concept and execution

Fun fact: in the preface the author names some "test players". Make of that what you will.

The book's art - all self-made - goes form the pretty bad to the REALLY bad, but you can at least appreciate the effort the author has put in creating 100% of the material for the book - and his bold disregard of even basic photoshop improvements.

The setting

The expanded universe, detailed in this book and in The Immortals Handbook - Ascension, shows a strange fascination for classical mythology (hence names and concepts like Yetzirah, Malakim or Akasha) mixed with Doctor Who (with literal Time Lords). Ol' H.P. Lovecraft is thrown in for good measure, and so does the classical D&D Kosmography. To put it gently, it's a clusterfuck that reads like someone put a book of classical mythology and a nerd comicbook stash in a blender and set it up to eleven.

New rules

New Feats

In a moment of drunken magnificence, our Author sat on his couch with a staggering amount of mangas: "Holy shit, this is awesome! Dual-wielding swords to kill Titans while flying... How can I top that?" And lo! Three-weapon fighting was born. This tecnique is basically using two sword to fight while you constantly juggle a third - yes, it is as goofy as it sounds - because if cool kids can dual-wield weapons to gain double cool-points, imagine how cool it would be to wield THREE WEAPONS AT ONCE. In the manual there's a 117th level albino Vampire that fights with 6 major artifact swords simultaneously, because if you gonna go over-the-top you'd better do it right.

Size Matters

The size rules for D&D had their limitations, because the original Game Designers thought that facing mosters the size of a Great Wyrm Red Dragons would be sufficient for anybody... Woe unto them.

The new scale system is simple yet clever: you start with the standard progression (Fine, Diminutive, Tiny...), and when you get past Titanic (the old Colossal+) you start againg by adding the "Macro" prefix: "Macro-Fine", "Macro-Diminutive". All this comes with handy tables detailing the basic stats for monsters of all sizes up to Mega-Fine - for monsters nearly 100 miles tall. But if you feel that's abit limiting fear not: with some reverse engineering you can expand things up to "Xona" sizes and play Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann at full scale. Fuck yeah.

If this sounds insane, congratulations: it means that you still have a modicum of sanity left. But this is not always the case: there are people around with an Excel Spreadsheet and too much time on their hands and, inevitably, this happended

Density Rules

As mentioned before, in this book everything goes into Insane Troll Logic territory really fast, but you just can't see the exact moment when common sense runs down the drain and you are left in a padded cell mumbling "ROLLING D1000 FOR DAMAGE, YESssS"... So let's examine this train of thoughts:

  • Strength is related to muscle mass. Yes, stands to reason
  • So if a character is stronger, he should be heavier. Yes, I know. When I to the gym and I get heavier, because muscle mass is heavier than fat
  • Epic characters and monsters are really strong, and their strength is not modified by antimagic fields ...and your point is?
  • So their strength is not supernatural but merely physical Ah, ok...
  • They are not bigger. But they must have more muscle mass. So this means they are DENSER Wait, what? This kinda makes sense but...
  • But wait there's more! If a character gets denser as he gets stronger... I don't like this... at all
  • It means he gets stronger as he gets denser! Dude, you're insane... No, wait, it works: a small character that weights a lot must be really strong if he's to get around.... Why does this sound reasonable? AARRGH, get out of my head!
  • So I can reverse engineer density-to-strenght ratios and.... Look, a Golem made from the heart of a dying star!! Look at his stats! over 200000HP! +666 on fortitude saves!

In short it plays like this: the denser a character is, the stronger it gets. Let's not indulge ourselves in rational thought like "Hey, but wouldn't a superheavy man standing on his feets just, you know, sink?" and appreciate the sheer controlled madness of all this.

Notable Creatures

The Handbook details a huge quantity of new monsters and new templates, of variable quality but generally good - monsters are MASSIVELY over-CRe and most of them can be defeated by beings of an order of magnitude (or more) lower level than them, but this is mostly due to Epic-Level D&D being more broken than a NEET bank account than bad design on the author's part. All the critters requires a lot of effort to be put down, by the way

Many monster concepts are nevertheless good, and a Game Master worth his salt can turn them into interesting encounters and good Final Bosses for more sensible games.

some of them a bit lacklustre, others with good concepts and/or interesting mechanics - Let's take a look at the best and worst of them

brobdingnagian (say that 10 times, fast)

Abominations

Abominations in D&D are the spawn between an evil god and a mortal. We have some pretty average creations here - the Anakim, sons of the Gods of Strength, the Odium, a carnivorous plant that can use enslaved victims as puppets, and the Sadim, your average greedy evil bastard, but none of them are particularly offensive

  • Amilictly: has the dubious privilege of being displayed on the cover,
  • Anakim
  • Gibborim
  • Odium
  • Sadim

Dragons

Loads and loads of them.

Angels

Descriptions

Golems

Templates

See Also

External Links

Revisions and work in progress