Vance Motherfucking Stubbs
He's Vance. Motherfucking. Stubbs. An Imperial Guard general and total badass from Dawn of War: Soulstorm and the only character introduced in the expansion anyone likes, despite having arguably the worst voice actor (his performance is just bad, and not with enough ENGRISH or ham to be unintentionally funny like Boreale or Carron). He's the most badass Governor General....ever....well maybe at tie with General Sturnn who's equally awesome, but wasn't a governor.
About the Motherfucker
Vance Motherfucking Stubbs leads the 252nd Kaurava Conservator Regiment for the Imperial Guard in the game. He is armed (apparently like every other Command Squad leader in the Galaxy) with a set of Power Claws and a bolter strapped to his arm. He may also, in fact, have a Thunder Hammer for a penis, but his harem of lovers were all too exhausted to comment on the matter.
The entire Imperial Guard campaign featuring him is sheer AWESOME. When the player chooses to play as the Imperial Guard in Soulstorm, then it is written in the army selection menu that Stubbs recently transferred before the Kaurava Hijinks that resulted in nearly every single force to appear there. The Guard, like any player controlled army, starts with one region (in the Guard's case is the Dussala Precinct). Mind you, compared to the other forces that come to the system, the 252nd Conservator Regiment is at that time underpowered, with low morale and simply sucks. Stubbs therefore whips them with sheer manliness (and a series of reforms) turning the 252nd back into a fighting force that shouldn't be trifled with and proceeds to re-conquer the system one region at a time. This included beating the Blood Ravens with Indrick Boreale in command, an Ork Waaagh! led by Gorgutz (said Orkz were at the peak of their power at that time), an Eldar strikeforce led by Farseer Caerys, a Kabal of Dark Eldar supported by Vect, a whole Necron Tomb, a Tau expeditionary fleet led by Or'es'Ka, and finally a Alpha Legion warband led by Firaeveus Carron.
If the Guard is victorious in the conflict, then the system is revitalized as Stubbs commissions multiple projects that rebuilds the worlds and improves their industrial capabilities. Additionally the planets become militarized due to the large number of newly constructed military academies that produce superior regiments that are second only to the Kasrkins trained at Cadia's Kasrs (a impressive feat considering that Kasrkins are elite even by Tempestus Scions/Storm Trooper standards).
The Emperor protects indeed.
Worth mentioning is the attack on the Ecclesiarchy controlled Sama District. Stubbs knew well that it didn't matter how much he and his men would make amends, the Regiment would never be free from being suspected by the Sisters, as the Warpstorm over Kaurava IV happened on Vance's watch. Not to mention that even if they did repent, the Sisters of Battle of the Order of The Sacred Rose would make them do so with excessive amounts of flamers and purging. Vance had no other option in this case. Stubbs refused any of these accusations and thought himself and his men not responsible for the whole mess, thus he did something that was crazy enough to work...mainly to march into the Sama District in full-force and simply conquer the place. And if the Guardsmen are victorious, then Vance will utter a speech that the Emperor was with the Conservators this day.
The whole losing 100 Baneblades thing
When facing the Imperial Guard at their stronghold in Dawn of War: Soulstorm, Stubbs' Commissar informs him that all 100 of the Baneblades that would have been available to defend had just been sent off to help the Imperial Guard elsewhere in the Kaurava system, and any more Baneblades that are needed will have to be constructed via a series of pieces sent out by supply Rhinos. This absurdity of simply "losing" 100 Baneblades has spawned a number of jokes amongst players, mostly associating him with being "Tactically incompetent" as opposed to Creed's "Tactical Genius". (Speaking of tactical genius it may be worth mentioning that shortly after this incident Abaddon was run over by a column of Baneblades he found stuffed in his mailbox) Also it can be disregarded as Chaos Propaganda started by
Alpha Legion Chaos Marines *BLAM!!!* CHAOS SPACE MARINES THAT DO NOT EXIST!!
However, there has been rumors that the Baneblades never left, but they were hidden by Creed, or perhaps taken by the Blood Magpies. Adding on top of this, Baneblades are supposed to be rare (with three being the average), made only at major Forge Worlds,
Kaurava is a backwater system and this shouldn't have the means to mass produce Baneblades.
Fortunately for the Imperium, the in-game background for Stubbs's Baneblades is that the invasions and mass destruction miraculously uncovered the rather terrifying (for the enemy) fact that at least half of the entire supercontinent city of Kaurava I is in fact built on top of a continent-sized manufactorum, probably from the Great Crusade, devoted to the mass-production of Baneblades.
This enabled Stubbs to roll out more Baneblades in a month than Forge Worlds (individually, of course) produce in a century. Best of all, the fact you can build more manufactorums in-game suggests that the Mechanicus could probably mass-produce the factories, too. With the pacified Tomb World nearby to draw in the Mechanicus plus the carrot Stubbs now has with the Baneblades and whatever other STC data uncovered (maybe Fellblades and other awesome stuff?), along with Stubbs's clear care for the little people, it is likely he could convince/trade for the Tomb World being studied and Forgeworld-ified by various important Forge Worlds, giving him access to their unique data (such as Executioners and Vanquisher cannons). Sure, the individual Forge Worlds never share anything, but then, none of them have had the technological buffet on a scale Vance does to bargain with. That, and he doesn't seem the sort to give a crap about keeping tech to himself. Then he can happily send copies to every Forge World if he can pay captains to visit. Then the Imperium wins by default. Regardless, Vance Motherfucking Stubbs is seen as one of the most awesome Imperial Guard generals because of his calm, stern voice, even when his army is on the brink of defeat.
Relic never bothered to announce who actually canonically won the Kaurava conflict - only that it sure as the Warp wasn't the Space Marines. Hence, many players simply accepted the fact that Stubbs won the war because of his utter badassery that no other character was able to posses. And also the rumors that he found the 100 Baneblades again and used his variation taktikul jinyas to deep strike said Baneblades into the main bases of armies. We would have said Indrick Boreale was the canon winner of the Kaurava conflict - if only he didn't screw it up by canonically losing horribly. If Relic ever were to announce the canon winner and it wasn't Stubbs, there would be RAGE. God help us all if it ever emerges that the Eldar were the triumphant ones in the conflict
- most are certain that /tg/ would burn down one of THQ's office buildings in retaliation THQ got lost in the warp and was probably swallowed by Tzeentch, and if the Orks win, only Tzeentch knows what would happen. Luckily some of the wargear in Retribution implies that the Imperium held on to the sector, and given that Cyrus survived Cyrus wasn't on kauruva, the scouts he trained were 1:42 - 2:12 he states otherwise and the IG ending is the only one where the Blood Raven survivors don't get horribly buttfucked, it's safe to assume Stubbs cockslapped the eight other armies into submission.
What is truly stunning about Vance Motherfucking Stubbs is the intense humanity he exhibits; whilst almost every commander in Soulstorm was poorly developed or simply pants-on-head retarded, Stubbs was comparatively sympathetic - determined to win back his regiment's good name in the eyes of the Emperor and who strove to make sure the sacrifices of his men weren't for nothing, and was determined to restore honor to his unit, heedless of what heretical scum would stand in their way. He shows manly rage at the tortures the Dark Eldar subjected captured soldiers to, and unlike Aleksander, who panicked in Dark Crusade when Eliphas sent him telepathic messages, Stubbs gritted his teeth and shrugged it off, spurring his men onwards towards their objective in an effort to shove a formation of METAL BOXES up Carron's ass.
Few men approach the manliness level of Vance Motherfucking Stubbs. The only ones that do are all Imperial. It says a lot.
Stubbs also has a fucking awesome name. Few, if any, in the 41st Millennium can approach that level of awesomeness, even
"Holt". *BLAM* *SLAP* COMMISSAR Holt!
Vance is also as badass, to inspire a single guardsman to noscope one shot a living saint in SS (see the video for lulz that'd make the Avatar of Khaine that the ultrasmurfs killed go 'Ha... like a bitch'). Further lulz includes the Chaos Stronghold Defeat where we see Vance's four (Literally!) Imperial Guardsmen one-shotting pretty much every Chaos-worshipping faggot in the area, as well as Vance himself, balls-slapping the failure of a Chaos Lord, Firaeveus Carron. This shows how badass and cool Vance Motherfucking Stubbs is and how his very presence can turn the Guardsmen's standard-issue balls-of-steel into Adamantium-tipped power-balls that would be so heavy it could bitch-slap a Titan if they so need it.
Additionally, Vance is not only a motherfucker himself, but a pragmatic motherfucker. On his siege on the Tau special moon base, Vance ordered his men that instead of destroying the Hippie Cannon (giant ass cannon is Soulstorm that destroys advance life forms buts saves the trees...) he thought it would be much more practical to use it against those cunt-face blueberries. The work paid off as Vance and his men hilariously start to pile drive the Tau with their own technology as those space weeaboos start to shit their grey-ass; before pussy whipping the Tau Ethereal in front of the Tau Commander stationed at the moon. Instead of actually destroying any further Tau technology, to prove how much of a pragmatist he is, the motherfucker-in-chief decides to hoard some xeno relics as bargaining tools for the Ordo Xenos and other similar Imperial groups in order to gain a upper hand to protect the prestige of his men. What a motherfucker.
Also on his defeat of the Eldar, he was reported to have secretly boned Caerys to the point of fucking her precognition which might explain why she constantly fails at her job, that or she might accidentally tried to peek at Vance's mind only to see multiple images on his...ehem...'Thunderhammer' which may promptly made her wet herself and lose all psychic concentration. Heck she may even secretly joined Vance's harem of lovers as she wasn't canonically seen getting killed. Vance's harem possibly includes several chosen Guardswomen (Who are often led too exhausted and near death after his 'regimental training'), a entire squad of Howling Banshees (He really makes them 'Howl' if you know what I mean...), several Dark Eldar Wyches (Even they admit that his merciless as he brutally pulverizes them since their Xenos and stuff) and even a couple of Sisters (Who have not immolated themselves but dropped their guns at awe as he gave them a new meaning to 'divine intervention'). But as usual, when asked about this potential Heresy Stubbs just shrugs off with a cool breeze as cold as Fenris before continuing his duty in obliterating the enemies of man. The Emprah works in mysterious ways and Stubbs is no exception.
No, it isn't possible to say Vance Motherfucking Stubbs without 'Motherfucking' in the middle.
Commissar, I would like to see this city built up again. I would like to see towers and spires of gleaming white. I would like to see our men on parade routes, not tours of duty! I WOULD LIKE TO SEE EVERY CITY ON THIS PLANET, EVERY COLONY ON THIS BESOTTED, MISERABLE SYSTEM TURNED TO THE SERVICE AND INDUSTRY OF THE IMPERIUM IN THE EMPEROR'S NAME!-(Ain't Stubbs an idealistic badass?)
Now your Guardsmen can be led by this badass.
Vance Stubbs. Governor General of Kaurava (260p):
- Bellowing Voice
- Master of Command
- ‘I want to see our men on parade routes, not tours of duty’: Astra Militarium units get a +1 to LD in 12” range of Stubbs. Additionally, if a friendly model in a range of 12” of Stubbs is slain, Vance Stubbs and his retinue gain the Counter Attack USR.
- The Six Billion Throne Geld Commander: Vance Stubbs gains a permanent +1 to both S, T and I (already listed in the profile), as well as the Feel No Pain USR.
- Titanic Nerves: Vance has the Stubborn and Adamantine Will USR. Additionally his retinue also has the Stubborn USR, yet only Vance benefits from Adamantine Will.
- Ambidextrous: Vance Stubbs has the Split Fire USR.
- Elite Regimental Command Squad: Instead of Veterans and Regimental Advisors, Vance can Choose instead to take Tempestus Scions (including a Tempestor Prime) along the Advisors. The Tempestus Scions have access to the same wargear as the Tempestus Command Squad. The Squad can include Vance Stubbs, a Tempestor Prime, four Tempestus Scions and one type of Regimental Advisor (for information about the Tempestus Command Squad, check Codex Tempestus Militarium). All members of the Squad have the Move Through Cover USR and the Clarion Vox-net Special Rule .The squad can choose a Chimera, Vendetta, Taurox or Taurox Prime.
- Unfortunately, sir, a shipment of one hundred Baneblades had just gone out to serve-: All Baneblades (and their variations) start in reserve and are deployed at the beginning of the 2nd turn.
- Voice of Command
- Plasma Gun
- Battle Claws
- Full Carapace Armour
- Targeting Optics
- Macharian Cross
- Ibram’s Vestment
- Frag and Krak Grenades
- Melta Bombs
- Battle Claws: Vance Stubbs’ personal pair of Lightning Claws. Crackling with deadly energies, these claws were created to greatly amplify the wielder’s combat capabilities.
- Battle Claws are a pair of Master Crafted Lightning Claws and have the same rules and stats as described in the Warhammer 40000 Core Rulebook, yet additionally :they always hit everything on a 2+, have the Rending USR, and a built-in Storm Bolter.
- Full Carapace Armour: Designed to withstand quite the punishment, this armour is much harder than standard Carapace Armour.
- It grants the user a +3 Armour Save and a 4+ Inv Save.
- Targeting Optics: A bionic implant that allows Vance to better monitor the battlefield.
- The Targeting Optics grant Vance the Night Vision USR. The optics also work like a Auspex, thus allowing Vance to use this function in the shooting phase instead :of shooting. A enemy within 12” range of Stubbs has its cover saves reduced by 1 for the duration of the turn.
- Macharian Cross: The Macharian Cross is awarded to Imperial Guard officers to reward successful and intelligent application of the Tactica Imperialis in battle. Those who bear it have a chance to be included into the general staff of future campaigns where their skills can be of use.
- The Macharian Cross grants Vance Stubbs an additional 6” to his command radius, increasing it from 18” to 24”.
- Ibram’s Vestment: Vance Stubbs’ trademark cloak, this piece of the Governor General’s uniform inspires men to feel scorn to their enemies. Any remarks to Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt is coincidental (or not?).
- Grants the Preferred Enemy USR to models within 12” against the enemy/enemies that are currently fought. If a unit already has this rule against an enemy :it specializes, then it additionally gains the Hatred USR against that enemy.
|Famous members of the Imperial Guard|
|Commanders:|| Colonel Greiss - Colonel "Iron Hand" Straken - Commander Kubrik Chenkov |
General Sturnn - General Vance Stubbs - General Lukas Alexander
Lord General Castor - Lord Castellan Ursarkar E. Creed - Lord Solar Macharius
|Commissars:|| Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt - Commissar Lord Bernn |
Commissar Ciaphas Cain - Commissar Holt - Commissar Yarrick
|Guardsmen:|| Colour Sergeant Jarran Kell - Gunner Ferik Jurgen - Nork Deddog - Ollanius Pius |
Sergeant Harker - Sergeant Merrick - Sergeant Lukas Bastonne - Sly Marbo