50 Copper and Ludi'drizz't
50 Copper and Ludi'drizz't details the exploits of a pair of 4th Dungeons and Dragons drow bards as they troll a shitty DM's campaign. Hilarity ensues.
Well, it all began about two months ago. Our DM's been flip-flopping of late, constantly telling us to create new characters because he can't decide on his campaign setting. This was the ninth time that we'd been asked to make new characters in six weeks.
He'd told us, for D&D, that we would be playing a very GRIMDARK game this time around. So, me and my good friend decided: What was more GRIMDARK than Gangsta Warfare?
The game started out well - we weren't questioned for the use of two bards in the party. We'd been having trouble with healing, and we'd both taken all the "Ranged" bard abilities. Ones that could be used with Hand Crossbows.
So, our DM rolls out his newest baby - let me say, for the promises of GRIMDARK, it was pretty fucking lame - which turns out to be political intrigue. Which, for Ludi'drizz't and 50 Copper was perfect. We had taken very good care so far not to mention our character names, as we knew doing so would result in us being told to reroll before the game got too far underway. It was all going to be a matter of setup, and springing the perfect Akbar.
As every good troll character knows, the best way to prevent your shitty DM kicking you out of the game is to become integral to the plot. So, we were quite fortunate that the DM decided to introduce the most horrible DMPC I have ever seen. Elvish, female, she got nearly ten minutes of physical description. And Christ, did the DM make sure to let us know she was stacked. Seriously, it was creepy as fuck. So we made friends with this DM PC. Told her passionately how the white surface elf was keeping the Drow down. DM bought the story hook, line and sinker, and, at the first break of the night, told us he was coming up with a plot hook just for Ludi'drizz't and 50 Copper. Asked us what their names were too, but we just replied that it was part of their backstory.
It started out small. Asking little things, like if there was any place in town where we could buy heavy gold jewelery. Diamond ear studs. If we could get a bonus to Intimidate if we held our hand-crossbows sideways. So on. Things quickly got worse.
Our next plan of action was obviously to get hoes. We figured, with our DM being the creepy little fuck he is, that this would be the easiest part. We weren't *wrong*, as such, but it wasn't what we'd been expecting.
Ludi'drizz't and 50 Copper visited the red light district. I had initially picked up the dice to make Streetwise to find such a place, but the GM told me this wouldn't be necessary. Should've seen the warning bells then and there. Turns out, since our first session six weeks ago, the GM had a description of such a place ready and waiting to go. There were hookers of all sorts. Ogre, centaur, gnome, you name it, it was probably there.
As we'd been cunning and planned ahead by writing Fine Clothing and Hand Crossbows into our backstory, we were on our initial 100 gold quota for level one characters. So, we asked the GM how many we could hire for 100 gold each. The reply was "About ten. Maybe more if you perform well."
He meant perform in the sexual sense, judging from the skin-crawling tone of voice. However, telling bards to "Perform" in any sense is always a poor choice of words.
So, we perform. 50 Copper starts to perform a stunning bard retake of "In Da Club". You can see the understanding and horror dawning on the DM's face, the other players struggling to keep straight faces. The true blow, didn't come, however, until a few moments after In Thou Club. It came around to my turn.
I figured, given all that we'd gone through, it was only appropriate to find the most ill-suited song for the setting. The one I had decided to save for any attack I could make with "Push" ability.
For the next two or so minutes, in all my skinny white glory, I did a Ye Olde Musical version of one of the most popular Ludi'drizz't epics.
"Move, Bitch," I began, "Get out the way."
The players broke into laughter. Something between horror and "oh god what" had settled on the DM's face. I made the next two minutes the most awkward of both our nerdy lives.
Finally, the "song", comes to a halt, and my good companion, 50 Copper, loudly announces: "Aight. We 50 Copper and Ludi'drizz't. We own you now."
This seemed to jerk the DM out of his stupor. He must've still been in a state of shock, as lightning hadn't killed our characters where they stood.
"Roll for it," he croaked, warming to the idea. I guess he thought no matter what we rolled, it wouldn't be enough. "Roll for it!" he demanded again, seeming much more confident.
Now, we were pretty sure what would happen if we botched this roll. We were almost certain that the shining careers of 50 Copper and Ludi'drizz't would end at the hands of a pack of enraged hookers. So, with a sigh, I let 50 Copper do the honors of rolling the dice.
So here we are, having just swayed an army of whores to our dark wishes. We'd broken our DM's spirit. We really thought our characters would be long blasted by now. Well, 50 Copper and Ludi'drizz't looked at each other. They knew what had to be done.
Adjusting their overlarge fur jackets, they took their army straight back to the DMPC.
We finally arrive. The moment of truth. The palace of the Mary-Sue who we had befriended earlier, the poor, misguided princess who we'd convinced that Drow were just fightan' the man. With our virtual army of prostitutes. Unsurprisingly, the town guard was out in force.
"Fuck thou police," 50 Copper said, earning a snicker from myself. Heedless, we decided, with two level one Drow bards, to charge forward, backed only by a swarm of dedicated hookers. The outcome, as you can guess, was fairly predictable.
The guards turned out to be about level twenty each, and there were roughly a dozen of them. Ludi'drizz't fell first, being taken to one HP above his negative bloodied in a single blow. Swathes of our loyal hoes were cut down with single blows. 50 Copper dived into the fray, his Heal skill getting me back up on six HP. Next round, he was killed in a single blow.
Now, the DM had a smug, shit-eating grin on his face. Like it was some great triumph, what he'd done. The rest of the players stared venom at him as the Princess (who, it turned out, actually hated Drow and had been toying with us from the get-go), arrived to ask if Ludi'drizz't had any last words.
Ludi'drizz't stared back at her, hand crossbow held gangsta-style as I picked up my dice. I rolled to hit, knowing only one number could help me here.
And I got it. 20.
I need to interrupt the story here momentarily. Our DM is not really that creative, but he did go the extra mile to allow us a tad more fun instead of just "You deal max damage!"
He bought the listed Critical Hit deck, where you draw a card, and get various effects, ranging from Hit Yourself to Instakill.
Sadly, I did not draw the Instakill Card. I drew something even better.
There was not a sound at the table as I drew, though. We all waited with bated breath to see what would be turned up. Slowly, hands shaking, I drew. Careful not to let anyone see.
Then I burst into laughter, the DM giving me a sour look and demanding to know what the result was.
The card I drew was "An Eyepatch For You!" - Permanent facial disfigurement as your ranged attack strikes them in the eye, making them half blind. The expression on the DM's face was priceless - despite the fact we were rerolling week after week, this stupid elf bitch had been a recurring character.
And I had just (as the card said) "permanently" disfigured her. I could see our DM slowly turning red with either anger or humiliation - possibly a combination of the two - as he reached for his dice. I told him I would be delaying a Free Action, triggered when the next blow was struck. He nodded, accepting this fact, then rolled.
My free action was speaking. As the princess struck the killing blow, Ludi'drizz't cried out:
"I'll be back to record a mix tape...next...year!"
And then he died.
So ends the saga of 50 Copper and Ludi'drizz't. They will forever live on in our hearts. Though, there are whispers...whispers of two new Bards that walk the countryside, fightan' for pimps and hoes.
The Chronicles of Snoop Drow and Jay-D.
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