Aerwin the mon-keigh expert

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Small Book.pngThe following article is a /tg/ related story or fanfic. Should you continue, expect to find tl;dr and an occasional amount of awesome.

Aerwin Stroud the mon-keigh expert is a female craftworld eldar, who, with the assistence of her camera-wraithguard Dave and her soundgrot Mike, tries to educate her kin on the behaviour of humans.


History[edit]

Aerwin was invented by tg while anon wrote a short scene about an eldar (And Abandoned the thread from fear.), descibing an inqusitor. She was quickly formed in the image of the famous nature-show host Steve Irwin. Her name is an homage to him. Soon both drawings and short stories were produced by more anons, and the idea became, for the most part, pure win.

Cast[edit]

Aerwin[edit]

Aerwin Stroud is the host of the Eldar show. Although she is naive in her approach to mankind and often makes mistakes when describing human behaviour, she generally has a soft spot for humans, and sees them as a cosmic curiosity to be appreciated and cherished. With her show she wants to better the opinion many eldar have about humans. Despite being an Eldar, her usual attire is that of the classic human safari hunter/explorer, tan colors and pith helmet included.

She sometimes seems to accidentally stumble upon human lovemaking, or assumes many behaviours to be related to mating.

Dave the camera wraithguard[edit]

Dave is a wraithguard, who, although he is big and not very sneaky, or silent, gets largely ignored. He is equipped with the wraithcam and a heavy webgun of sorts, to catch wildlife/humans for closer inspection. He often tries unsuccessfully to prevent Aerwin from doing something foolish. In some episodes he is seen with a commissar hat, which is so far his favorite disguise (albeit, somehow a very convincing one). HE ALWAYS SPEAKS IN CAPITAL LETTERS.

Mike soundgrot[edit]

Not much is known about the soundgrot, where he comes from, or how he came to be in Aerwin's employ.

Inquisitor Lord Attenborough[edit]

Aerwin's sponsor, who wants her to help educate the Eldar on humans so both can live together in the galaxy.

Excerpts from her show[edit]

Aerwin explaines standard Guardsman hygiene[edit]

One must be very careful near here. It is considered very rude to any mon'keigh when they are bathing. >Note these mon'keigh use a very primitive form of washing, water flows through the pipes and into the shower head where they rub with a bar of soap. Most go behind the ears but the ogryn are far dumber that the other guardsmen, so he is using his own weapon to bath. The other guardsmen stay as far away from this one as possible.

Aerwin observes a human dominance ritual[edit]

  • later -night*

A flushed eldar face leans into the camera frame. "Phew that was a lucky escape. Who would have expected a Monkeigh tank to simply drive through the trees rather than between them. So primitive."

"I have a special treat for you craftworlders at home. Behind me is a monkeigh tent. This is where they store themselves at night."

"Behind me two of them sound like they are fighting for dominance and have been for quite some time."

"If Dave switches to thermal"

"I DO NOT THINK THAT IS A GOOD IDEA"

"Dave! It is for science. We must document these strange creatures."

"Now look" The thermal imaging shows two humans in close proximity

"See how they grapple! These beings are obsessed with dominance and look at the way the larger one has the smaller on its belly and now the larger one is undoing his....oh my..."

  • pointy ears flutter on the edge of the camera frame

Aerwin samples human food[edit]

  • still night
  • noises of singing in the background

"Right. This time it's unequivocally a religious right. These creatures are celebrating some sort of festival behind me. They are so fervent in their beliefs that some of them have even fallen over. In order to praise their emperor it seems they must drink fermented vegetable matter."

"If we are very, very sneaky, we might be able to try some..."

  • Our host ducks down. The camera follows what would be her stealthy approach toward an unattended bottle of Emperor's Own scotch. We see an eldar backside wiggle through the long grass. A hand reach up. The bottle is snagged.
  • Our host bobs back into frame. The cork of the bottle in her teeth. She spits it out.

"They say that this stuff is pretty potent. I don't believe it though. Monkeigh drinks over a century old are practically unheard of. It can't be anything like eldar wine."

  • glug

"Thatsh nots bhad aktually"

  • glug

"Rheally Mankeeeys arent are that.."

  • collapse

Aerwin and a dreadnought[edit]

The camera blinks back into life.

THIS IS STILL A TERRIBLE IDEA

No it isn't. Shush. You'll disturb the wild Monkeigh. Those useless craftworlders only want to exterminate these beautiful creatures and...

WE ARE LIVE

Oh! Hello again viewers! We have something really special for you here. A dreadnought! We think it is asleep so we're going to try and get as close as we can to it.

Our host starts to bellycrawl across the tarmac. Dave walks behind her.

The bulk of a blood ravens dreadnought looms into focus.

Goodness look at that thing! This is the box they keep their angriest warriors in so they don't go mouldy. It's like a sort of tupperware for violence.

  • she raps on the carapace*

Not very sensitive though. Indeed if I put a hand here and a hand there...

  • she starts to climb*

Dave you may wish to back away at this point.

  • Dave retreats to a safe distance as she gives the dreadnought sarcaphogus a good whack*

>what the in the name of the emperor was that?

It's ok! It can't see or reach me up here! Look at those stubby little arms! Eeeheheh! Whee!

>foul xenos! Brothers remove this thing!

Oop. Time to go!

Daves Webgun[edit]

  • phunt*
  • splat*

>in the name of terra what is this stuff!

Webguns are amazing! Now we've caught one. Lets go and have a look at it.

It's a human alright. It's got a very big hat too. I think it must be one of their leaders.

  • Experimentally she takes the Commissars hat*

>foul xenos do your worst! I have the light of the emperor upon me. Can you say the same!

HE SEEMS ANNOYED Such noble but primitive creatures we must preserve them

>I shall take you with me!

  • the frag grenade pin makes a tinkling noise in the rubble*

A large wraithguard hand grabs our host and running occurs*

  • THOOM*

AT LEAST THERE ARE PLENTY OF THEM TO PRESERVE. THIS IS AN AWESOME HAT HOWEVER. IT IS MINE NOW.

Aerwin spots an interesting regiment[edit]

>camera is live >somewhere in a gloomy trench

"So dismal here... oh! This particular battlefield is the natural ecosystem of the Kriegers. Somehow, these monkeighs have evolved to dig out earthwork trenches and fortifications for the rest of their miserable days. Fascinating."

>A few Death Korps guardsmen can be seen in the distance, setting up a cannon.

"Ah, there are some now. Keep you head down, Dave, you're sticking right up out of the trench!"

>camera squats down to a crawl

"These humans conceal themselves in heavy coats and gas masks. Obviously a mating ritual of some kind. It may be dangerous, but to find out more, I will need to skin the trenchcoat and mask of one of these monkeighs and infiltrate their savage pseudo-society."

Aerwin and human adolescence[edit]

Shuuuush

  • Slowly an eldar hand nudges open a window*

These humans are ceee vulll eee ans. Which means they are like craftworlders but they don't really do anything. Unlike our glorious paths.

  • outside the window a large number of administratum drones file past*

We don't know what they are doing we think they don't either. These humans are much like ants in that respect.

Dave! Look over there!

  • the camera follows*

A juvenile human! Isn't it cute! They have such short lifespans that this one will not stay like this for long.

  • in the street a small child plays with a space marine doll*

It is tragic and yet the beauty of nature that that tiny human is already idolising war and violence. Something we Eldar would never do. Why I'm sure with the right training they might even make short lived but adorable pets.

Aerwin is robbed[edit]

"Here we see a proud chapter of the monkeigh post-humans known as space marines. This one in particular seems to idolize ravens, and are only slightly different from the other red-bannered monkeigh city-states.

Oh, that looks like their leader, or "chapter master". Dave, get a close up of him.

...Dave?"

>Dave is standing on other side of room, behind Blood Raven captain holding a microphone for some reason.

"Welcome to another episode of Man vs. Xenos. This is Captain Grylls, and I've just discovered a wily and potentially dangerous Eldar female in my midst. Now, she seems to have noticed us, but I should be able to earn her trust with some chocolate. Get a close up, Dave."

>zoom in on baffled Aerwen

"You bastards stole my show!"

"It was a gift from the network."

See also[edit]

Images[edit]