Alice

From 1d4chan
Pacman boardgame 75x75.jpg This is a /v/ related article, which we tolerate because it's relevant and/or popular on /tg/... or we just can't be bothered to delete it.
NotAwesome.png
This article is about something that is considered by the overpowering majority of /tg/ to be fail.
Expect huge amounts of derp and rage, punctuated by /tg/ extracting humor from it.
NotAwesome.png This article is bad, and you should feel bad about it.
Commissar.gif This article or section is EXTRA heretical. Prepare to be purged.
Commissar.gif This article or section is EXTRA heretical. Prepare to be purged.
Commissar.gif This article or section is EXTRA heretical. Prepare to be purged.
Plot-armour-plot-armour-aryas-plot-armour-56208058.pngThis article or section involves Plot Armor so asinine, that its sheer bullshittery warps and breaks the very fabric of the setting's universe. Expect Rage, Butthurt and accusations of Mary Sue being flung around in an endless Skub debate. THEY MAKE IT HAPPEN. You have been warned.

Were you looking for the book Alice? Please tell us you were looking for the book Alice.

In case you didn't see the three warnings of extra heresy above, this character's mere existence is pure, unadulterated fucking heresy. But just to get the point across as to how heretical this "character" is...

Proceed at your own risk.

Moving on from the warnings...[edit]

One Mary Sue to rule them all.

Good sweet zombie Emprah, no.

Goddamnit, no. I know we needed a fucking article on this, but...

Fuck it. Fine. Let's go. Alice Abernathy, also known as Janus Prospero.

Who?[edit]

For the uninitiated, Alice Albernathy is a protagonist in the in-name-only Resident Evil movies. She is patient zero of the Mary Sue label (not the first example, but being the worst offender); the Mary Sue by which all other Mary Sues must be judged. She is completely invincible, exceedingly effective, and the entire purpose all other characters in the movies serve is to die horribly or reinforce how awesome Alice is. Or both. Even if the characters in question were main characters from the books and games. She can kill you with mind bullets. Or regular ones.

The protagonists of Maradonia Saga and Bella Swan of Twilight have nothing - and I mean nothing on Alice. Kaldor Draigo and Rey Skywalker are less of a fucking stretch than Alice. Chris-Chan's CWCVille-centered Sonichu fantasies are roughly the same level of ridiculous as Alice but is thankfully less widespread. She was solely included in the movies because Mila Jovovich, the actress who plays her, wound up marrying the director, Paul Anderson, who has done nothing but turn his wife's character (with her encouragement (i.e. sleeping with him)) into the equivalent of a horrifically-bad fanfiction... If the writer was able to spend millions on his deranged waifu insert and given carte blanche to completely destroy the source material in the process. Nepotism at it’s finest.

A Quote from the Actress[edit]

"Oh yeah, there are, like, 15 people in the world that spend all day really hating me. Like horrifically hating me with a passion." -- Mila Jovovich, with bold for emphasis by /tg/'s experts

A Brief List of Alice's Exploits[edit]

  • Fights and/or kills every major antagonist in the movies.
  • The entire plot for each movie either revolves around her or shifts to revolve around her before the end.
  • Normally merciless villains let her live repeatedly (eg; Nemesis).
  • Has mind-powers that let her explode heads. Through video consoles.
  • Is cloned numerous times, and uses her super-powered clones as an army before the superpowered clone-army is summararily dealt with in the intro of one of the later movies.
  • Renders the entire cast irrelevant in all movies, even when they're main characters from Resident Evil main series.
  • No one else, video game protagonists included, is permitted to accomplish anything while she is around. Monsters completely immune to gunfire suddenly lose their invincibility as long as she is the one shooting. Jill Valentine is only allowed to be second fiddle to Alice at best. Chris and Claire Redfield are only allowed to start shooting the downed Albert Wesker after Alice won her over-choreographed wire fu battle, like a couple of dogs licking dinner scraps off the floor.

Alice and /tg/[edit]

Alice is considered the worst possible combination of traits - That Guy paired with a Mary Sue and blended with a self-insertion. Picture every 13-year old Forgotten Realms fan's Dungeons and Dragons character, only backed with enough money to literally force the resulting Drizz't-clone into everyone's fucking face. Almost every DM can point at Alice and immediately use her as a classic example of how to utterly fail on every level.

This faggot rather infamously ran a d20 Modern campaign in which the players had to hunt down and kill the godlessly-powerful Mary Sue using their witz and copious amounts of high explosives. Shenanigans and high adventure alike ensued. You can read about it here.

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

A link to a review of one of these movies.