All Guardsmen Party
The All Guardsmen Party is a pretty good series of Storytimes by the writefag Shoggy. It follows a group of Guardsmen from their origin in the bloody trenches, to their recruitment by the Inquisition, and through a series of adventures filled with xenos, heretics, incompetent superiors, and the single worst death trap of a ship this side of the Eye of Terror.
At over 200k words, the story archive is longer than a lot of novels. Be prepared.
The FINAL CHAPTER will begin late summer/early fall. The end comes, repent.
- 1 Links
- 2 Chapters:
- 2.1 Prologue: Natural Selection Based Character Creation
- 2.2 Guardsmen and Pilgrims
- 2.3 Dude Where's My Psyker
- 2.4 What's in the Box?
- 2.5 Nubby's Girlfriend
- 2.6 Heretic Purging
- 2.7 Discount Spaceship
- 2.8 Good Soldiers, Bad Educators
- 2.9 The Interplanetary Man of Mystery
- 2.10 The Greater Good
- 2.11 The Xenotech Heresy
- 2.12 Tyranid Acquisition Experts
- 2.13 Interlude: Dewarp
- 2.14 Tyranid Delivery Experts
- 2.15 The [REDACTED] Conspiracy
- 2.16 The "STEALTH" Mission
- 2.17 Interlude: Escape
- 3 Guardsmen
- 4 Interrogators and other characters
- 4.1 The Rupert and Alfred
- 4.2 Inquisitor "Oak" Quercus
- 4.3 Jim and Hannah the Tech-Interns
- 4.4 Inquisitor Sciscitat (Asshat) formerly known as Interrogator (Data Nerd)
- 4.5 Interrogator Angelica Dominicus (aka That Bitch)
- 4.6 Interrogator (AFK)
- 4.7 Interrogator Bane Johns (Super Spy)
- 4.8 Nutjob
- 4.9 Valerie
- 4.10 Fumbles
- 4.11 Spot the Wonder Drone 2.0
- 4.12 Fio the Tau
- 4.13 Sergeant Gravis
- 4.14 The Occurrence Border
- 4.15 Duct Tape
- 4.16 Explosives
- 4.17 Sock Puppets
- 4.18 Poker Room of The Damned
- 5 Gallery
- HTML Link to whole thing: http://www.theallguardsmenparty.com/
- Suptg Link (Missing 2?): http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html?searchall=all+guard
- Youtube Readings:
Prologue: Natural Selection Based Character Creation
A player perspective on a horrible meatgrinder of an Only War game.
Guardsmen and Pilgrims
A few Guardsmen, fresh from the destruction of their regiment, get handed out to a fresh young Interrogator like starter pokemon. The team is sent to inspect a pilgrim fleet for heretic activity.
Briefings are ignored, naps are had, a book is read, and everything goes to shit very quickly.
Dude Where's My Psyker
The squad is handed over to a new Interrogator with a hard-on for meetings and a trio of pet psykers. They're sent to find out why a planet hasn't been providing tithes to the Black Ships.
Psykers make everything unpleasant, paranoia and booby traps pay off in a big way, and the squad is repeatedly yelled at for being guardsmen.
What's in the Box?
An offensively British Interrogator takes the squad to check out regiment of guard that's been acting weird.
The squad is forced to do some actual inquisiting, a guardsman finds his true love, paranoid ramblings are ignored, the admech and commissariat are dicks, and enough explosives can solve anything.
A beautiful Interrogator leads the squad on a mission to purge some genestealers.
A will check is catastrophically failed, missions go better than expected, mistakes are made, plots are revealed, and a pocket is picked.
The British Interrogator returns and takes the squad to find out why a wasteland world hasn't been worshiping the empra.
Tentacles and hot chicks are encountered but nothing interesting happens, an adept makes everyone throw up a little, orbital strikes are abused, zombies attack, a khornate is a hell of a guy, and a betrayal happens.
The squad is sent to acquire a slightly used spaceship and help some cogboys bring it home.
Jim and Hannah the Tech-Interns are met, questionable deals are made, helpful notes appear, slight mechanical problems occur, a knarloc is found, and Nubby is fired.
Good Soldiers, Bad Educators
The squad tries to teach some recruits how to be inquisitorial goons.
Lessons are planned, a test is failed, Sarge yells at people, a clever ruse is planned, a cult is found, and a heretek is nuttier than squirrel poo.
The Interplanetary Man of Mystery
The squad gets a new interrogator and investigates corruption in the Imperial Guard.
Parties are attended, a psyker is named Fumbles, reality starts behaving oddly, deserters are questioned, the party is captured, escapes and gets recaptured, some truly horrible flirting happens, duct tape is used, and a secret moon base is attacked.
The Greater Good
The squad goes to Tau Space to chase down some xenos-loving traitors.
A familiar ship is boarded, an ex-Inquisitor is met, an intimidate check is taken too far, a drug problem is exposed, idiots are idiots, Fumbles fumbles, horrible sabotage is perpetrated, some people get shot, and a scene from ironman is reenacted.
The Xenotech Heresy
The squad tries to figure out what's depopulating planets.
An Argument over religion and the W-Word is had, a beach is visited and a familiar face appears, Tech-priests are fucking nuts, Sarge gets some chiropracty done, a dick is infuriated, Tech-priest are nutting fucks, tech-heresy is discovered, and bomb is planted.
Tyranid Acquisition Experts
The team goes to capture a live tyranid zoanthrope in a warzone consisting only of orks and tyranids.
Preparations are made, complaints are had, Space Marines are incompetent, the team gets a crash course in Grav-chute usage, Twitch completely snaps, and the captain is perpetually angry.
A brief look at how much of a pain it is to haul a live Zoanthrope across the galaxy.
Doc's girlfriend actually has a name, Nubby wears a dress, Machine Spirits are angered, the Zoanthrope gets a new hat, Fumbles had a bad day, something goes *CLANG*, Aimy discovers new depths of cynicism, and Sarge hopes for the impossible.
Tyranid Delivery Experts
Completely normal arrival to a space station for resupply.
Serious preparations are made, Zoanthrope consequences occur, Sarge gets a bitchin cape and hat, and can't hold his mouth shut, Nubby wents to do shady business, psykers are nuts again, guardsmen are inventive, tech-priests are being useful for a change, Jim saves the day and gets smacked and everything well and truly goes to shit.
The [REDACTED] Conspiracy
A completely normal security protocol for inspecting deliveries.
Competent Inquisitorial services ensure nothing goes wrong, nothing to see here Imperial citizen, move along.
The "STEALTH" Mission
It's back to basics!
The squad meets up with old, annoying enemies, are separated from their trusted allies, encounters new, MORE annoying enemies and get traffic tickets. LOTS of traffic tickets. In case anyone hasn't caught on by now, all of creation is conclusively proven to hate the squad.
The aftermath of the extremely stealthy mission.
The good news is the party is being sent away from their incredibly irritating Inquisitor of the last mission. The bad news is they are being transported to their trial on a ship full of Arbites. The really bad news is they are all locked in the laundry room, Nubby becomes an Arbite, and they get a new mission from the boss that involves staying arrested.
The AGP hails from the Generian 99th Medium Infantry, which had absolutely zero major victories to its name before being whittled down to 37 soldiers by orks, heretics, and tyranids. Anytime a member of the AGP gets killed off (as is par for the course in Dark Heresy), the players still have plenty of spare characters to draw from.
Greg "Sarge" Sargent
The big solid non-comm that keeps the squad moving. The straight man and a born cynic. Think Sergeant Merrick from DoW, or Sgt Redford from Bad Company. Dig into "Interplanetary Man of Mystery" to find his real name! He eventually takes over as the team's Interrogator, if only to ensure that the role isn't taken by some incompetent nutjob who will get them all killed. That hasn't stopped them from running into old "acquaintances" or dealing with bureaucratic bullshit, though. Now he is an acting Inquisitor! Originally he refused to be made an Interrogator and his team backed him up by making up stuff about how deplorable he really is. Oak didn't seem to really buy it but went along with it. It, like everything that goes the team's way, couldn't last forever.
The medic that tries to keep the squad alive. Young, naive, and rather poorly trained, but can read without moving his lips and can be trusted not to do anything stupid if given command. Is usually the sanest member, has a girlfriend now, and can whip up a interesting cocktail in a pinch.
The demolitions expert and squad paranoiac. Thin, jumpy, not completely sane, and constantly carries more explosives than any squad should be allowed to have. Has a hard time sleeping in any location which hasn't been wired with a good portion of said explosives, which is a primary reason why navigating the AGP's current base of operations usually involves a long list of places to not go and things not to touch.
Twitch's paranoia seems to be some sort of clairvoyance after he has correctly predicted the Box being full of Orks, the Interrogator Bitch trying to harvest everyone's precious bodily fluids, the daemon-knarloc-servitor-titan, DAEMONIDS, and many, many other things.
A disgusting smelly little cretin, thief, and generally reprehensible individual. Officially he's a full-blooded human, but has on more than one occasion been confused with a Gretchin. Good in a fight and great at acquiring extra supplies, just don't leave anything valuable near him. While a great haggler, one should also not trust him with major purchases, as he's also responsible for obtaining the team's horrendously awful ship, the Occurrence Border. A direct rip-off of Nobby Nobbs from Discworld, but seriously, if you didn't get that from a character named Nubby Nubbs, the joke is probably lost on you anyway.
A big heavy weapons expert with a penchant for laziness. Has mastered the ability to sleep with his eyes open, and even while standing guard or marching. Was unlucky and died by shot to the head. Currently residing in the Poker Room of the Damned.
An ex-scribe who found his true calling when he was issued a chainsword. A CQC monster, but can't hit the broad side of a space barn with anything ranged and has a very loose grasp of tactics. Also, dead, in the most badass of manners, involving stims and a melee battle with a Heretek. Currently residing in the Poker Room of the Damned.
The former regimental chef and an expert flame trooper. Has seen some shit and laughs a little too much. 2nd casualty of war. However his death was awesome and included lots of higly flammable liquids, explosives and one certain chaos space marine. Currently residing in the Poker Room of the Damned.
The regimental techie. Small, whiny, and a little weird, but a great shot with a plasma gun and a wizard with most types of technology. Has a bit of a THING about tech-priests as well as a separate THING about female ones, despite his fascination with xenos tech ensuring that Sarge's squad-management policies usually keep him as far and isolated from the cogboys as possible. Can also 'fix anything'.
Full name: Amelia Delorisista Amanita Trigestrata Zeldana Malifee von Humpeding. A rather angry markswoman from a more noble regiment. Briefly served with the squad on a disastrous genestealer purging mission, but has more recently been filling in for Doc. Has an affinity for facial burns. Also a Discworld name reference.
Confirmed to have
been promoted to a FULL Sister of Battle borrowed Doc's girlfriend's underwear.
Interrogators and other characters
The squad is often paired with other acolytes that even out the team and is frequently assigned to a new interrogator. Most of them aren't dignified with names and tend to die in messy ways while the guardsmen stay in cover.
The Rupert and Alfred
An offensively British former officer with a penchant for heroic charges and a slightly psychic butler. Leads the squad on three missions and doesn't fuck up too badly. For all his quirks, compared to the other Interrogators they've had to work with, he's a pretty swell guy. Has somehow aquired an extremely competent batman the squad calls Alfred, who is pretty much irreplaceable for the smooth running of Rupert's life and is the real reason Rupert was recruited to the Inquisition.
Inquisitor "Oak" Quercus
Everyone's boss. Officially a member of the Ordos Xenos, he runs a space faring Inquisitorial school and constantly sends Interrogators from all branches out to earn their rosettes. Mostly a bureaucrat that doesn't do much personal inquisiting, instead he has an army of agents tracking leads and recruiting teams for the Interrogators to use. The AGP's performance (aka not dying) has started to catch his attention, this may not be good, he may be a heretic. . .or an ork in disguise.
Particularly notable for encouraging tech-heresy in his underlings by deliberately refusing to issue them fucking anything, inevitably resulting in the AGP "upgrading" (and in one instance kidnapping) by salvaging xenotech, up to and including fuel for their "ship". This has led to Tink becoming better educated in xenotech than any guardsman EVER should be.
Jim and Hannah the Tech-Interns
Like interns, except with metal tentacles. The broest of cogbros. The only person they don't get along with is Tink, albeit for entirely separate reasons. They start out as junior cogboys, but after all the other cogboys on the Occurance Border go completely nuts twice, they're promoted to senior enginseers. While Jim would much rather stay on board tinkering with the ship, he frequently gets roped into the party's shenanigans.
Inquisitor Sciscitat (Asshat) formerly known as Interrogator (Data Nerd)
A nerdy control freak with a superiority complex; judged to be as useless in a fight as he is smug. Somehow ends up becoming a full Inquisitor and leading the squad on another mission in The "Stealth" Mission.
Currently confirmed to be a complete piece of shit that sold out a group of legally ambiguous but loyal men over his own ego despite their proven ability to Get Shit Done by killing two inquisition traitors. Praise the Emperor's name and pray his just reward comes swiftly.
Interrogator Angelica Dominicus (aka That Bitch)
Superhot woman and a Grade AAA+++ Bitch, thoroughly hated by the squad except for Nubby, who falls head over heels for her. The feeling is most certainly not mutual. Slaaneshi whores pale in comparison to her sheer hotness. She was caught by the AGP engaged in activaties unbecoming of an Inquisitor, and was locked away by Oak. The AGP was told never to speak of her again, as she was now out of their hair. Or so they hoped, but they're the AGP. Hope never works out for them. She burnt to death, courtesy of two incendiary bouquets.
First appears in "Good Soldiers, Bad Educators". Has them assigned to him for a mission, fucks off and leaves them to do things their way. Doesn't get much development beyond not being around to fuck the squad up. Makes another brief appearance, at the end of "Interplanetary Man of Mystery".
Interrogator Bane Johns (Super Spy)
An asshole who fucks Sororitas, parties hard, never loses, and is one of their most hated superiors. Pretty much Sterling Archer with a =][= rosette. Also an unlicensed psyker with bullshit luck powers that make him always win,unless negated somehow (Does this make him a rapist when he "gets lucky"?). They won't be seeing him again anytime soon or so they hoped,but hope always fails for the AGP.
Very, Very dead after getting Very, Very possessed by a Very, VERY familiar smokey horn and winged demon, courtesy of someone who went completely crazy (the nonfunny, what-the-hell-just-happened variety.)
A psychic juggernaut and psychopathic manchild. "Sanctioned" is pushing it; giggles a lot and does things you cannot brainbleach away, a lot. It is dead! Praise the Emperor! PRAISE!
Sororitas Hospitaller Extraordinaire. After being encountered on several occasions, joined the Occurrence Border. Is dating Doc, and tolerating his idiot squadmates. Never, ever fuck with her patients (or Doc) or learn the hard way that she's as hard as her flamer-toting fellow nuns.
He's a psyker and called Fumbles, what do you expect? Well, wrong you are then! Actually a very decent (and adorable) little guy, for a psyker, that is. Just needs a little inspiration and distance from untouchables and probability fields. In spite of most of the team's non-guardsman members either being rotated out or else killed horribly, and in spite of the team's frequent disgust with psykers, Fumbles has become a regular fixture on the team. Addicted to space speed, thanks to a certain Cretin. Also thanks to a certain incident he may be at risk of being purged by anyone not from the squad.
Spot the Wonder Drone 2.0
The most awesomest little Tau recon drone and the team's unofficial mascot, also why Tink is not trusted with the team's budget anymore. While an obvious example of Tech-heresy, the team has made efforts to disguise it as a proper servo-skull, with mixed results.
(RIP Spot, you were so young) HE'S BACK! AND BETTER THAN EVAR! Was used as an impromptu weapon by a space marine (with attached wraithbone dildo). Spot 3.0 coming soon.
Fio the Tau
An Earth caste engineer the party rescued from a messy situation involving necrons, an Eldar warlock and lots and lots of heretek. Weeaboo and annoying as fuck, but good for fixing things. Currently hiding in the Guardsmen's barracks to avoid getting everyone blammed for heresy. He's somehow able to smuggle in some Tau animations for the ship's resident Tau culture aficionados, which unfortunately includes a fictionalization of the AGP after their exploits on a Tau border world.
A space marine from the Emperor's Scythes and in charge of a Scout squad detachment. Bisected by a hive tyrant.
Currently had his gear stolen by Nubs. Also panicking Doc as he tries to figure out how the hell to keep half a space marine alive. In the hands of a genuine deathwatch apothecary now! May end up in a dreadnought if his chapter can supply one.
The Occurrence Border
Their space-hulk/ship and
part-time FULL-TIME deathtrap.
While Duct Tape is not actually a character, it appears more often and tends to be more useful than any real characters.
except Nubby ESPECIALLY Nubby.
Solves every problem in the story (sooner or later), Twitch's wife.
These two puppets usually appear whenever someone smart needs to condescendingly explain background politics to the AGP. Appeared once on the Tau border worlds to explain the governor's nefarious plan to provoke a war, and again to explain the conspiracy against Inquisitor Oak's training school.
Poker Room of The Damned
Reoccurring warp phenomenon on the Occurrence Border. Where every ally or PC of the AGP go when they die. So kinda like the Eldar infinity circuit. Currently inhabited by heavy (man with mushed head), crisp (burnt up skeleton), cutter (skeleton with chainsword) and the space marine scout (as in life but with huge ass tyranid claw permanently implanted in his midsection). Also possibly a random armsman who Doc tried to save but couldn't.