Anon Plays a Weeaboo Wrangler

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A series of storytiem posts about an anon who got tricked into playing a brief BESM campaign, and ended up having some fun in spite of it.

The Story[edit]

>Be me

>Have a friend who runs various online games

>Suggests I join his newest one, a BESM game

>Tell me it's grimdark, apocalyptic-demons and monsters and shit running around the ruins of civilization (SMT, basically)

>Tells me to plan accordingly in character creation

>Create a demonologist

>Studies ancient script to wield demonic power against humanity's enemies

>Join the game

>Modern day Tokyo

>The other characters are Magical Girls

>Realize my friend is a filthy liar

>Refuse to acknowledge anything is wrong

>Won't give him the satisfaction

>The game continues

>I turn out to be the one most suited to surviving daily life-can hold down a job, afford a home, etc.

>Magical Girls keep coming to my house, won't leave

>Other players think my stern, research-minded demonologist is hilarious

>Magical Girls always getting into hijinks trying to cheer him up, making little costumes for his unholy minions, asking him to join in on the Magical Girl motto before fighting monsters/villains

I was mad at first, but honestly, it got funny.

Wouldn't call them adventures, per se. The game didn't have many sessions before friend's work schedule changed, and he had to cut back on GM-ing, and the vast majority of the time was spent indulging in Typical Anime Shenanigans.

There was the time we fought the evil bug queen, though.

Started off simple enough-the girls' magical plot device reported a swarm of insects attacking the populace, carrying off people and large amounts of valuables. Clearly, they needed to put a STOP to this horrible state of affairs, and because it was actually kind of far away, the team needed the mightiest form of transportation at their disposal: my car, a pinto cruising wagon sustained by a steady stream of replacement parts and unholy magic. And that meant a visit to their new best friend, who at the moment was busy trying to pierce the veil between realms and seize the ancient jeweled heart of Kel-Zuggath.

They came in through a window, as they so often did (the catgirl had gotten stuck in the chimney last time I had locked the windows, and the time and effort spent dislodging a yowling abhuman far exceeded the trouble of leaving the girls an easy entrance). They spilled over a sacrificial goblet of blood harvested from a mutant hellhound, disrupting a three-day ritual, and forcing me to close the rift as quickly as possible to avoid getting my soul stolen. A brief struggle with unholy energies later, they informed me they needed a ride. Typical.

I helped. If I was going to interrupt my research to chauffeur them around, I might as well field test my own unnatural powers.

Once they'd settled the argument of who got to sit in the front seat this time, we headed off in the direction of the massive black cloud of bugs on the horizon. When we got close, they bolted out, swiftly moving to protect the populace and try to beat back the insect menace. I found an available space away from stampeding civvies and made my way to the fight, summoning a pair of encounter-appropriate mooks as I went.

With the girls focusing on saving lives, I could focus on directing my magic. Excess ribbons and frilly aprons aside, my wretched homunculi were well-suited to pest control with fiery breath and physiologies resistant to mundane venom. Step by step, block by block, we were stemming the chitinous tide, advancing towards what we assumed was the center of the problem.

We soon reached what appeared to be a massive hive. I sent my vile servants forward, only for the pair of them to stop short the minute their misshapen feet touched the grass. A literal honey trap.

At that point, the proverbial fan was struck with unwholesome ammo. Huge fucking beetles erupted out of the earth, gobbling up my two hapless mooks in an instant. Combat began again, and we were soon hitting the big bastards with everything we had, doing our damnedest to punch through their armor while avoiding those giant crushing mandibles. It was a hard fight, but we came out on top, but we'd all seen enough cartoons to know the boss was yet to show.

Sure enough, we were greeted by the classic "OHOHOHOHOHO" of an evil villainess. The Hive erupted in a fountain of bugs, and from them sprang a mishmash of woman and insect. She commended us on making it as far as we had: few humanoids could handle even the smallest of swarms, but we were quite deluded if we believed we could oppose her, we should simply surrender ourselves, she might feel a twinge of mercy, etc., etc. You know, usual villain stuff.

One of the girls retorted that we'd NEVER surrender to an EVIL VILLAIN, that she was doing something Very wrong by kidnapping people and stealing stuff. The villainess laughed again, purring that it was only natural that a BEAUTIFUL queen like ger have a full treasury, and a household full of servants that tend her LOVELY self. I asked whether she really needed human slaves if she apparently wielded total control over both normal and super-sized bugs, but I'm not certain she heard me over the banter. The conversation ran it's usual course, culminating in the insect queen's decision to destroy all of us. The superpower pleasantries out of the way, it was time for the team fight, which meant it was time for the team motto.

Catgirl: "Love!" Angel: "Dreams!" Shrine Maiden: "Miracles!" Witch: "The wishes of Earth will shine like the stars!" Pretty Soldier: "And starlight will chase away evil!" All together: "So we fight for Earth and its people! We are..." (pose centered around my character) Me: "I will have no part of this." The girls continue to hold the pose, waiting. Me: ...*sigh*...the Pretty Justiciars."

Thus, battle was joined.

The fight itself was what the great Jim Ross might have called "a slobberknocker". That buggy bitch hit like a tank, and catching her with our own attacks was tricky, to say the least. And even a heavy hitter like the angel didn't seem to stagger her much. I was rapidly burning through my list of summons, some used to attack, others yanked out of the aether as a last second shield. My bigger power required incantations, and time was something I was most certainly not getting. At the rate we were going, the odds of victory got slimmer and slimmer for the forces of Good and Happiness (and their driver).

As we neared defeat, the shrine maiden called to me, asking if I had any kind of magic that could turn the tide. I explained my situation: I needed a moment without distraction to summon the requisite dark energy, or my spell would have all the weight and destructive power of an anemic churchmouse. She asked again, I just needed a lot of dark energy, and I can do the spell? Yes, I replied, but that takes not, not like there's a gaping hole in reality down the street I can pull my mojo out of. After a brief moment, the girls turned to me, and announced their brilliant play. They were going to run away for a minute, and they'd need me to keep the razor-edged death queen busy.

Typical.

What followed was quite a few rounds of me and whatever minion I could pull out of my sleeve getting shitstomped by the boss. She took the opportunity to monologue, remarking gow said it was that a man like myself would follow a bunch of frightened girls around, how I would have made a much better servant for a powerful woman like herself, etc., etc. Usual spirit-breaking stuff. I ignored it. I had lost control of my life a long while ago, and insinuating that I was a pervert could hardly even make me blink anymore. Still, I couldn't help but wonder if this was my fate, to be murdered by a narcissistic bug person for driving five goody vigilantes to work. The insect queen pulled back, ready to finish me with a single, powerful strike.

And got his in the face with a flying car.

A Pinto Cruising Wagon, to be precise.

As it turned out, the girls had gone searching for the single biggest pocket of dark energy in the city. Which just so happened to be my personal vehicle. After much trial and error, they had (somehow?) managed to hotwire the thing, and driven it (rather haphazardly) into the city all the way to the edge of the park. They had then poured just about every spell and enhancement they had remaining among them into the car, given the nature of their powers, it was a bit like adding a time-release cesium capsule to a bathtub. Their magic bomb thus primed, they had used their combined physical strength and magical prowess to chuck that mother straight at the insect queen's ugly face.

When the smoke cleared, I was remarkably alive. The insect queen, remarkably less-than-alice. With their leader dead, the bugs seemed to go into a panic and die, leaving us in a eldritchly-scorched park filled with mountains of dead bugs and some very confused (and badly stung) people. The girls immediately crowded around me, asking if I was okay and they were really sorry about the car, but I had mentioned the car used my unholy power to keep running, but we had won, wasn't that great, and they were really really sorry about leaving me to fight her on my own, but I was okay, right?

It hadn't been a great day. I known it wouldn't be from the moment I nearly got my soul stolen. But I was alive. I was in one piece. I was still sane. So, as much as it was possible since I first met the team, I was okay.

We stopped for dinner before I called a ride. One of them ate too much and threw up in the cab.

Typical.

The Original Post[edit]

The original tale.