- Archaon teaching a certain armless failure on how to actually be kick ass.
"Fear me, mortals, for I am the Anointed, the Favored Son of Chaos, the Scourge of the World. The armies of the gods rally behind me, and it is by my will and by my sword that your weakling nations shall fall." - Archaon the Everchosen, Lord of the End Times
"My hatred is a thousand times more powerful than all your good intentions." - Jim Goad
Overchosen Everchosen, formerly known as Diederick Kastnar, also known concurrently as The Three-Eyed King, Lord of the End-Times, Kingslayer, and various other titles besides is the supreme Chaos Lord of Warhammer Fantasy and its successor, Total War: WARHAMMER. He is the current direct successor of the Kurgan High Zar Asavar Kul, who previously held the title of Everchosen before getting shived in the back by his subordinates. Archaon, on the other hand, managed to successfully destroy the world during the End Times and defeated Grimgor in single combat (while the latter was high off becoming the Incarnate of the Wind of Beasts, no less) and, more importantly, managed to beat Sigmar Unberogen himself in a match of pure strength before falling with him into a Chaos Portal to wrestle eternally over the titular Warhammer for which the settings of Fantasy and 40K are named.
In other words, he shits all over the other guy in terms of competency and skill. Supposedly, his name is Tilean, meaning 'Warhammer Italy'. Because GW Latin fetish.
Archaon was born to a Nordland townswoman after her home was paid a visit to by a raiding party of bloodthirsty Norscan Chaos Warriors where the leader of said party, a Chaos Champion of Undivided, proceeded to rape her viciously before leaving her for dead amidst the burning husk of his village. The surprising thing here is that he was able to get his armour off in order to put his cock in her vagina, considering that most fluff indicates that Chaos Warriors are sealed inside their plate, but anywho. Of course, the village woman did not die, no, but was found clinging to life by her husband and children and later gave birth to the raider's bastard son. This child was left to wolves of Laurelorn before having been found by a Sigmarite priest and adopted as a page for the local church, and was thus named Diederick.
Hilariously, the fisherwoman was named Viktoria Rothschild. This essentially makes Archaon an evil Jew bent on world domination. No, really, this is covered in the book Archaon - Everchosen.
Diederick grew up to a vigorous and devout lad, strong in the ways of Sigmar, and became a squire for the knight Sieur Kastnar. When the Sieur Kastnar ran afoul of some foes and died, Diederick, being a man of honour, took it upon himself to deliver the knight's ancestral sword to House Kastnar. The lady of the House, having been disregarded and despised by her husband, and touched by the young squire's dedication and integrity, adopted him to her house and bequeathed the sword of Kastnar to him, along with the dead knight's horse Orberon. With her sponsership, Kastnar then entered into the prestigious Order of the Twin-Tailed Orb, becoming the greatest warrior of the Order on account of his (unknowing) Northern bloodlust and a paragon of the Order's knightly ideals. Which essentially means he was a Black Templar level fanatic who didn't think twice of killing children if they were born with the taint of Chaos.
Later on his career, while questing about and slaying whole tribes of Beastmen single-handed, Diederick came across a group of the Sisters of Sigmar who were transporting a heretical tome. This tome would turn out to be Liber Celestior itself, penned by Necrodormo the Insane under the direction of Be'Lakor himself, and said to hold the prophecy of the Everchosen of Chaos, the final champion who would herald the End Times. The tome was to be transported to the Grand Cathedral of Sigmar in Altdorf, where it would be kept protected from a warband of Chaos Warriors intent on using it to find the Everchosen. This warband being the Swords of Chaos.
Of course, young Diederick had not even seen the prophecy for himself. And indeed, for so many years, had been much too fanatical and thick in the head to realise that he fit the perfect profile of a Norscan warrior, not an Imperial knight. This also did not come fully to him when his own Order of the Twin-Tailed Orb began hunting him, despite him having been the greatest exemplar of their Order's religious and military ideals. Diederick, being a
complete badass fucking Mary Sue, made quick work of the knights and also managed to evade the Swords of Chaos, seeking refuge at the Kastnar estate only to find it having been burned to the ground. There, he conferred with the Sister of Sigmar and the priest who had fostered him as to the reasons for which the Empire had declared him a heretic and why the Swords of Chaos wanted to suck his cock. They came to the conclusion that he fit the bill as the Everchosen based on the fact that:
- A). He was obviously of Norscan descent (fucking racists...)
- B). He was a knight of the Empire, like the Everchosen was foretold to be.
That's essentially it, really. It's a pretty fucking vague prophecy. But in Fantasy Worlds, this is often convincing enough, and so Diederick, on the advice of his foster father, journeyed to Altdorf to gain some confirmation of his dark destiny at the Grand Cathedral of Sigmar. Of course, this was after he succeeded in hanging himself because he couldn't live with the truth. Ballsy of him, but the Chaos Gods went 'lolno' and brought him back to life to get on without. They really wanted the End Times to happen, the little shits. So, after dragging his depressed ass to Altdorf and praying before an altar to Sigmar to give him some sign or indication that he was not forsaken by the God-King and not damned to a fate he did not choose and did not want, and reciving stone silence in return (
and remember, this is a setting where magic and the direct presence of gods is not unheard of, unfortunately Sigmar was quite busy getting stuck in the wind of Azyr, courtesy of Tzeentch) Archaon went batshit and managed to take down the entire knightly garrison of the Sigmarite Cathedral and even managed to break the Grand Theogonist's limbs and hold him hostage. Interrogating the Grand Theogonist by breaking his fingers individually, Diederick demanded to know how exactly the Knights of the Twin-Tailed Orb were so sure that he was the Everchosen; after all, there countless half-Norscans running about in the Empire, and there were countless knights of the Empire who had fallen to Chaos. The Theogonist revealed that they weren't sure at all. They had been hunting people with his profile throughout the Empire. The clincher was that the true Everchosen was prophesied to travel to Altdorf and ask that exact question.
So yes, if Diederick had not gone to Altdorf, he would not have fulfilled the prophecy. Just as Planned.
Having finally been driven to Joker levels of genocidal insanity by this tidbit of information, Archaon loudly denounced the God-King Sigmar and affirmed his allegiance to the Dark Gods of his father's race, swearing that he would bring the Empire crashing down and tear away the pageantry of Sigmar's religion to reveal the god for the craven liar and charlatan that he was. It was during this shouted oath of death and destruction that the Grand Theogonist gloatingly revealed that the entire Reikland army and pretty much the entirety of the Empire's gunpowder potential was primed on the Cathedral with the order to kill the Everchosen by any means necessary, including by destroying the Cathedral itself. Luckily for Diederick, the Swords of Chaos arrived and rescued him from the clutches of the Empire, fleeing northwards towards Norsca where the Everchosen could begin his journey.
A'ight, bitches, y'all know the story that came after this. Archaon traveled North, crossing into Norsca and the Chaos Wastes and began his centuries-long journey to find the Relics of Chaos - The Burning Mark of Chaos Eternal, which bestowed upon its bearer the ultimate favour all four of the Great Chaos Gods. The Armour of Morkar, the battle-scarred Chaos Plate born by the Norsii warlord and first and greatest of the Everchosen. The Slayer of Kings, the horrifyingly powerful regicidal greatsword forged by Vangel, the Second Everchosen; bound with the soul of U'zhul, the Fist of Khorne. The Crown of Domination, the ancient battle-helm borne by the first Northern warrior to bargain his soul to Chaos's Dark Lords. The Eye of Sheerian, which bestows upon its user prophetic powers. And Dorghar, Steed of the Apocalypse.
Archaon got the first one by traveling to the Altar of Ultimate Darkness in Naggaroth where he single-handedly brought upon the genocide of the race of bloodthirsty, atavistic monster-men who infested the temple and who feasted upon the flesh of stray Dark Elves. He earned the Armour of Morkar by travelling to the Norse King's cairn in the Southern Chaos Wastes and facing off against his vengeful spirit, and was nearly slaughtered by his predecessor then and there but for spitting out a 'yo mama' insult in the dead tongue of the Unberogens which managed to catch Morkar just off-guard due to its WTFness enough for Archaon to sucker-punch him and steal his clothes. Actually, it turns out that Archaon said 'brinnan utva lioht', which means 'burn in the light', which if I'm being honest, sounds about as insulting as calling someone a scoundrel.
He got the Slayer of Kings by prying it from the claw of a sleeping Krakanrok the Black and silenced the blade's screaming by impaling the Khornate Beastlord Ograx through the heart with it, thereby sating its regicidal thirst. He claimed the Eye of Sheerian by tearing it out of the belly of Flamefang, the Claw of Tzeentch, after being eaten by the monster and having been flown all the way to the Southern Wastes by it. He claimed Dorghar from the managerie of a Slaaneshi Daemon Prince, and killed him/her/it. And of course, he gained the Crown of Domination by travelling to the First Shrine of Chaos in the Northern World's Edge Mountains and overcoming tests set by all 4 of the Chaos Gods, including Khorne sending Skarbrand to fight him, whom he then strangled to death with his own whip (actually required a fair bit more cunning and planning than the armybook versions of the stories would have you believe).
The Storm of Chaos fiasco
Eventually the Chaos Gods gave the order, and he led the most ferocious and largest army of Chaos Warriors ever assembled against the Empire during the Storm of Chaos campaign for 6th Edition. Before he reached the location where he was to end the world, he faced Valten (a reincarnation of Sigmar himself), who had managed to kill Dorghar and smash Archaon's armor before being beaten near death. The Orc warlord Grimgor then smashed through his army single-handed, headbutted him in the junk, laughed at his sorry ass then went back to gather another army of greenskins.
The reason this bullshit happened? GW built the narrative around their battle reports, army by army. The problem is that Chaos kept losing. In fact, the good guys were winning so badly the only reason Archaon was pushing them back was due to plot. But GW had already pre-planned the story to become the grimderpofthe41stmilleniumwherethereisonlywar and make "End Times" be in the past tense. In the end, they resorted to having fans call-in the way they wanted the story to end, hoping that Warhammer Fantasy fans would pick the faction with the pointiest stuff on their armor.
They chose a faction that had been beaten in the last match.
Fans chose Orcs over Chaos.
GW had no backup plan.
Grimgor's entire army had been beaten by Crom while Valten and Archaon fought. Grimgor got sick of rallying his forces, went "ZOG DIS, I WANNA PIECE UV DA ACTION!" and charged in to sucker punch Archaon as he was about to deliver the final blow to Sigmar and end the world, shout for the silent and awed assembled armies of the world to hear that "GRIMGOR IZ DA BEST!", then went back home to rally his army. This resulted in the snide nickname of "Light Drizzle of Chaos."
Later on, GW retconned almost the entirety of Storm of Chaos and instead made it an alternate continuity. In the current narrative,
he's still amassing his army the world ended.
Also, Archaon is Be'lakor's biological son. We wish we were making this shit up. It's not quite as special as it sounds since Be'lakor apparently gets around and there are numerous other would-be Everchosen kids of his running around - Archaon kills some during his quest to become the true Everchosen.
In first Storm of Chaos and now in The End Times, Archaon isn't alone at the top of the hordes of chaos. He has some lieutenants to help him keep everyone organised. Closest of all is his Herald, Vardek Crom, although officially Crom gets killed in a failed invasion.
In Storm of Chaos, Games Workshop decided to go with the Your dudes approach, creating four lieutenants based on simply fluffing out the new Chaos Champion models for each of the four gods (save Khorne, who got a custom model based on an old Archaon head, Orc arms and an old Bloodletter body). Thusly, in White Dwarf, we were introduced to:
- Haargroth the Blooded One, Champion of Khorne.
- Feytor the Tainted, Champion of Nurgle.
- Styrkaar, Champion of Slaanesh.
- Melekh the Changer and the sorcerous mutant-child Cyspeth, Champions of Tzeentch.
The characters weren't received too well. So, perhaps realising their mistake, GW has revealed they're bringing back some of the big Chaos characters from their first ever Chaos Special Characters list:
- Representing Khorne, it's Arbaal the Undefeated, giant Flesh Hound-riding army-butchering Chaos Lord.
- Representing Slaanesh, it's Dechala the Denied One, corrupted High Elf turned six-armed poison-oozing snake-woman.
- Representing Nurgle, it's Valnir the Reaper, undead soul-harvester.
- Representing Tzeentch, it's Egrimm van Horstmann, former Magister of the Light College turned dragon-riding daemon-commanding arch-warlock.
Unlike the others, these guys were at least respected enough to get cameos in The End Times. Two of them were even killed off, with Valnir being killed by Wulfrik in a novel and Egrimm being killed in End Times: Archaon after trying to bind the wind of Aqshy to himself. Dechala was mentioned to be in the final battle and it's said that Arbaal was kurmped as wel..
The End Times made a similar plan as well with champions representing each of the Gods, and again, Crom appears and gets his ass handed to him by Valten. This time, however, the posse is made of actually known characters:
- Valkia the Bloody representing her hubby Khorne during the invasion of Naggaroth. She eventually gets a mutual kill.
- Vilitch the Curseling being the top champion of Tzeentch while Aekold Hellbrass is busy sacking Kislev. As of ET: Thanquol, he gets sent to drag in Karl Franz so Archie may kill him once and for all. In End Times: Archaon, he and Thomin switch places, with Thomin calling the shots and Vitlich being the mindless slave.
- Sigvald the Magnificent being the only person of note dedicated to Slaanesh. He gets his face rekt by the Wight King Krell and then got killed and pissed on by Throgg the troll king.
- The Glottkin taking the position of top 3 champions of Nurgle after the guy before them gets a Runefang to the face. They get beaten in the same book they appear in by a superpowered Karl Franz and are currently sitting the rest of The End Times out in Nurgle's Mansion.
Retcon/The End Times
GW recently realized that pushing ChaosChaosChaos in Warhammer Fantasy only turns off fans who want THEIR faction to be important (as the setting has a fair number of megalomaniacs that would put comicbook villains to shame), and as a result the End Times are finally being ushered in... by Nagash. The resident Undead BBEG, who aims to take over the world by rendering everyone into undead slaves then consume the Warp. In its entirety. At that time Archaon was seeking the Glottkin and the Maggoth Riders, and upon finding them gave them three jars of plagues custom-made by Nurgle himself. Archaon planned to use the followers of Nurgle like a magical bioweapon; softening up the Empire before he came in to finish it off. Upon hearing that Naggy's stealing his thunder, Archaon prematurely led his forces to battle.
At the border of the Empire and what was once Kislev, he encountered the Auric Bastion, a gigantic wall of metal, magic and holy energy made by Balthasar Gelt that he and his troops could not cross. Then they came under attack and his army ended up in a stalemate against the forces of Vlad von Carstein, the head of the Dracula Bloodline brought back from death by big bone daddy himself. Vlad's job was to keep Archaon busy while Nagash invaded Nehekhara. Naggy himself was planning to eliminate the Tomb Kings as they were one of the few forces that can challenge his rule, then subsume them into his armies and go on to kill every living thing in the world and reanimate them.
Gelt fell prey to the separate manipulations of Vlad von Carstein and the Changeling and was outed as an up-and-coming necromancer. After a misunderstanding Gelt is declared a traitor to the Empire and flees. With Gelt's fall from grace, the Auric Bastion loses the support of the Sigmarite priests, who deem the wall tainted due to its inventor's involvement with necromancy. Soon after the Auric Bastion crumbles, giving Chaos the green light to invade the Empire. Eager to make up for lost time, Archaon leads his forces in and bulrushes his way to Middenheim. Archaon planned to defeat the god Sigmar worshiped as a symbol of his superiority. However, Ulric had enough power to resist him and Chaos had a hard fight until a meddling elf wizard, unbeknownst to everyone else, stole Ulric's flame, allowing the power of Chaos to ravage Middenheim. Archaon took on Valten, Sigmar's heir, until a Verminlord decided to be a kill-stealing prick and decapitated Valten, enraging Archaon. Eventually Archaon and his forces conquered Middenheim.
After this Archaon claimed Sigmar's hammer from Valten's body as a trophy and set up camp in Middenheim. While there he schemes to have Karl Franz killed, sending Kairos Fateweaver after him. While he waits Archaon discovers a secret weapon under Middenheim. Under even where the Flame of Ulric was is a device left by the Old Ones. If properly tended to it could form a third Warp Rift that would combine with the other two and destroy the world so he seeks to activate it, forgetting that, as far as he knows, it would destroy him too. Due to plot armor, Kairos fails and Archaon kills the former to summon Ka'Bandha to take out Karl Franz. But he and the other Khornate daemons champed at the bit to start the fight while Archaon camped in Middenheim so he permitted them to hunt Karl Franz and the Incarnates as long as they gave him Karl Franz's flayed skin. During this time he gets several people pledging themselves to his cause who get used as auxiliaries including a possessed vampire, a preening Chaos Lord, the entire Skaven race and a dethroned undead king (though the latter's in it cos "the enemy of my enemy..." and ultimately says "fuck this shit" to Chaos).
Due to the machinations of Nurgle and the Skaven, Nagash is reduced from contender for the main villain and a burgeoning god of undeath to that "lesser villain that needs to team up with the good guys to fight the true villain" guy. The Bone Daddy approaches the Incarnates and offers an alliance which they, very grudgingly, accept. Eventually the Incarnates come to Middenheim and a gigantic clusterfuck of a battle occurs. The Orcs led by Grimgor throw in their lot with the Incarnates after some skillful manipulation from Malekith and even Sigmar himself makes a comeback. Despite everything arrayed against them, it eventually ends up being ChaosChaosChaos anyways when they fail to stop Archaon's ace-in-the-hole; his custom-made, Old-Ones-inspired WMD... Largely because Mannfred decided to betray Nagash (along with the rest of the good guys) at the last moment. While everyone else either dies or gets warped into some chaos bullshit, Archaon and Sigmar fall into the Warp Rift while wrestling for the hammer.
Whatever anyone says, if there was to be an ending to Warhammer Fantasy Battle, this is it: The Big Good and Big Bad of the setting falling into oblivion wrestling over The Warhammer. Fucking sweet
Age of Sigmar
So by now I imagine you're thinking "well bugger me, how can this guy get any more badass and/or mary sueish?" Well let me answer that for you, with a new model. Move over, Nagash, there's a new giant model in town and he's coming for you.
After completing a brand new series of challenges set by the Chaos Gods, smashing them all with ease and without a shred of loyalty for the Unholy Quintet, and rejecting the newly ascended Great Horned Rat's offer of a blessing by spitting in his verminous face, Archaon has been made the Grand High Marshall of Chaos. Which basically means that he can do whatever he fuck he wants without the Chaos Gods doing anything to stop him. He could go around and murder the shit out of each of the gods' best followers and get away with it, because fuck you, he's Archaon. That said, however, not everyone unanimously accepts his claim, and there were those like the Gaunt Summoners of Tzeentch (A bunch of possibly-daemonic sorcerers with eyes all over their helmets) that put up a resistance against the Marshall, and end up getting a serious ass-whooping for their troubles. Once that was dealt with he went on a rampage through the realms. One of his harder battles was in the realm of Shyish. Archaon took on Nagash as he was the only one strong enough to defeat him. Archaon did at one point and bound him into a cage of bone; bad idea as one necromancy spell later and Nagash was free before laying a vengeful beatdown on Archaon's army. The two duelled again but Archaon called on the Bloodthirsters for backup, forcing Nagash to retreat. Archaon's only defeat came at the hands of Malerion in the realm of Ulgu, and he is now fascinated by Ulgu.
On top of his legions, he also controls his own order of knights, called the Varanguard. These guys replace Archie's old warband and serve as his presence in every campaign, and in those he does deign worthy of his direct intervention, they serve as his mightiest warriors. These guys are called from every walk of Chaos, and each of them find some omen compelling them to serve the Everchosen to which they follow so devotedly that they abandon their god's calling to serve him under pain of death. Those that pass the trials laid before them on their route to the Varanspire (his new castle in the Realm of Chaos) are then chosen to join one of his eight circles and gain a giant mutant thing that possibly used to be a horse.
And that's not even mentioning the new changes to his look.
For a start, Archaon is now rocking some badass new black armour that makes him look much more sinister, powerful, and imposing, though at the cost of the Northern Warlord look he used to have. Slayer of Kings is also different, now a gigantic on-fire sword with a much more ornate design than before, very cool. But the real change isn't even Archaon himself, but the horse Dhorgar. Well, ex-horse, because Dhorgar is now a gigantic chimera monster with three heads to represent Nurgle, Khorne, and Tzeentch (Slaanesh has vanished without a trace) and two tails as a homage to the Great Horned Rat. Our man's now gathering all the forces of Chaos together to launch a massive campaign against Sigmar and finish what he started in the Old World, and stands as the greatest threat that Order may ever have to face. Just like old times, huh?
On the tabletop
In an interesting irony, though probably not intentional, Archaon is also in a lot ways the opposite of Abaddon, not in a bad way. Where as Abaddon tends to get changed fairly heavily each edition, Archaon stays the same with each book, with the only changes to him being armor save's not including bonus for him being mounted or whether or not you can field him on foot. Also, where as Abaddon is characterized by his hitting power while being respectably tough to kill, Archaon hits hard (base attack ignores armor and can double attacks for the rest of the game, though if does any 1s on to hit rolls have to be directed at him or his unit) although his most impressive trait is how freaking hard he is to kill. While his statline is only slightly better than a normal Chaos Lord, he has a 1+ armor save, a 3+ ward save, all to hit rolls against him have a -1 and he can't be wounded on better than 3+. Sadly, while an indestructible death machine, his cost keeps him from getting much use. Afterall, cannons are the solution to all problems in Warhammer Fantasy.
Age of Sigmar continues this trend of indestructibility in style. Now rocking a 3+ Save that he can easily buff to a 2+, a 5+ Save against Mortal Wounds, and now 20 FUCKING WOUNDS! HOLY SHIT, THIS IS MEANT TO BE THE GAME WHERE 1 WOUND IS THE AVERAGE, RIGHT? Yeah, new monster-riding Archaon is even more of a tank than he used to be, and that's saying a lot. And in addition to this, his new three-headed Dorghar can use one of thee special abilities every turn he kills somebody in melee. This can range from vomiting up the remains of his victims all over the unit he's fighting, Nurgle style, to eating their skulls and heal D3 wounds! Fucking hell, and I thought he was a tank before he could regenerate. In addition to his insane defensive ability, he can also bring the pain too. He has access to Arcane Bolt (as well as the ability to gain the spells of any other wizard if he feeds the unfortunate wizard to the Tzeentch head), though Mystic Shield is always a better choice to up his defense, Dorghar can hit like a truck like any monster, and the Slayer of Kings returns as potentially one of the strongest weapons in the game with an easy To Hit and To Wound, and very heavy Rend and Damage. In addition, if you roll two 6's To Wound on the same Hero or Monster with the Slayer of Kings, then it instantly kills them with no saves of any kind allowed. Though with only four attacks, this won't happen too often. Still, with those stats he's easily going to live long enough to pull it off sooner or later.
An evil, powerful warrior travelling from world to world, seeking further power from a godlike serpentine dragon... that sounds familiar.
Archaon in Total War: WARHAMMER
Of course what would a Warhammer character be without the memes?
Archaon is notable for a fair few, given the tendency of writers to keep at least his foot in the spotlight.
- ANIME: Thanks to his art and general JRPG villain actions in Age of Sigmar, Archaon has become the embodiement of ANIME (always caps).
- Horns: Archaon's helmet horns have grown in each incarnation, leading to humor a la Abby's armlessness about horn growth, and the increasing difficulty lifting or turning his head.
- Penguins: Archaon has described the Beastmen inhabiting the south pole as "true Beastmen", free from human taint. Since there is no combination of Daemon, man, mutant, or beast not present in the Old World some have come to the conclusion that Archaon is scared of penguins.
- Archaos: The creator of the Archaon character identified his original intended name as the even more ludicrous "Archaos", destined to fall on his sword in the final battle after realizing what he had done to the laughter of the Chaos Gods. Since then Archaos the teenage suicide victim bullied by the Four has become a preferred way to mock the character.
- Slambo: A generic miniature from Oldhammer that some see as the REAL Everchosen.
|The Champions and Lords of the Warriors of Chaos|
| Arbaal the Undefeated - Archaon - Egrimm van Horstmann - Festus the Leechlord - Feytor |
The Glottkin - Haargroth - Harald Hammerstorm - Krell - Melekh - Sigvald the Magnificent
Styrkaar - Valkia the Bloody - Valnir - Vardek Crom - Vilitch the Curseling - Wulfrik the Wanderer
|The Chaos Gods of Warhammer 40,000 and Warhammer Fantasy|
|Four Main Chaos Gods:||Khorne - Nurgle - Slaanesh - Tzeentch|
|Other Gods of Chaos:||Archaon - Horned Rat - Malal - Necoho - Zuvassin|
|Chaos Gods of Law:||Alluminas - Arianka - Solkan the Avenger|