Arden

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"You call that a knife? THIS is a knife!."

– Crocodile Dundee

Trooper Arden is a complete madcunt of the RAMBOS Catachan Jungle Fighters, obsessed with getting right in the faces of his enemies and fucking them up good n' proper.

He's a Mad Lad[edit]

Ya boi Arden is of the most famous (some would say infamous) melee fighters in the the Spinward Front, a fuckhuge sector-spanning warzone. He's a member of the recently created 301st Catachan Jungle Fighters Regiment. As a son of one of the most hazardous Death Worlds in the known galaxy, Arden was already a formidable fighter before most men could spell (apparently he can't spell anyway, but fuck it, who needs spelling when you have ROCK HARD CATACHAN ABS??).

Arden is badass, plain and simple, but then again he's a Catachan so it makes sense. He once intercepted a Flying Swamp Mamba and wrestled it to the ground before tearing its wings off, that wasn't enough for madcunt Arden though, he once fought a giant Blackback Viper, surviving a bite from this most poisonous of Death World predators and BREAKING ITS SPINE OVER HIS KNEE, before finally collapsing from the effects of its bite (A bite, that by the way, is supposed to kill in just under 30 heartbeats). These stories cannot be proven (Besides the witnesses who told em). This is because Official records begin when Arden was first tithed into the Imperial Guard, but lets face it, considering what other Catachans have done? It's all true, especially considering what he got up to after being recruited...

Reports logged by Catachan Punching Bags Commissars attached to the newly raised 301st suggest that Trooper Arden wasn't exactly keen on using of the standard-issue lasguns, preferring instead to wield his fuckhuge “Devil’s Claw,” and kill his enemies kebab-style. Despite his misgivings, Arden’s Sergeant insisted he at least learn how to use basic ranged weaponry, as a report covered in raging swear words later confirmed. For reasons unknown, however, a second report was filed a week later, reading only “never mind”. Trooper Arden’s first taste of battle (as a member of the Imperial Guard, this guy grew up on Catachan you know.) was at some shithole called "Ashen Regis", when the 301st was tasked with blocking an Ork advance across that world’s primary continent.

It was because of the bloody example set by Trooper Arden that the 301st exceeded all expectations and not only successfully blocked the advance of an entire arm of the Ork horde but began to push it back. Trooper Arden was to be found at the leading edge of the advance, where reports credit him with killing up to 23 brutal Ork warriors in hand-to-hand combat, not bad, not quite Sly Marbo but not bad. Trooper Arden is confirmed to have served in at least eight other major encounters with the Catachan 301st before mysteeriously vanishing during an assault on an Ork Warboss’ camp. However, persistent rumours in the 301st place him tearing shit up in no fewer than thirteen other major campaigns after his supposed disappearance. Whilst this is unverified, lets face it, Arden's a madcunt, he's around... somewhere.

See Also[edit]

Famous members of the Imperial Guard
Commissars: Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt - Commissar Ciaphas Cain
Commissar Holt - Commissar Yarrick
Senior Officers: Colonel Greiss - Colonel "Iron Hand" Straken - Knight Commander Pask
Lord Castellan Ursarkar E. Creed - Lord Solar Macharius
Junior Officers: Captain Al'Rahem - Commander Kubrik Chenkov
Enlisted Guardsmen: Arden - Colour Sergeant Jarran Kell - Gunner Ferik Jurgen - Mogul Kamir - Nork Deddog
Ollanius Pius - Sergeant Harker - Sergeant Lukas Bastonne - Sly Marbo
From Dawn of War I: Colonel Carus Brom - General Sturnn
Vance Motherfucking Stubbs - Governor-Militant Lukas Alexander
From Dawn of War II: Commissar Lord Bernn - Lord General Castor - Sergeant Merrick