Arseplomancer

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AKA how gamers predicted the Thanus Theory 15 years early.

Dungeons and Dragons 3.X has some pretty crazy builds if you dig into the right sourcebooks (and in some cases, dragon magazines). Obviously this build isn't as powerful as the omnipotent Pun-Pun, and it might not even be finished on paper. Yet it is perhaps even more lulzy. The idea is to have the character to use the escape artist skill to murder a man (or any sufficiently large foe with an anus really) in a spectacular fashion, primarily by crawling into a victim's digestive tract via his anus, resulting in not only the victim exploding, but onlookers becoming fanatical followers at the wondrous display. We almost wish we were joking.

The Build[edit]

The exact particulars of the build are not set in stone, but here are the core requirements:

  • A Small race and-or access to the alter self spell to become one (since the spell offers a +2 Dex boost and, otherwise, you'd have a hell of a time fitting into the average Medium creature's asshole)
  • 5 levels in the prestige class Exemplar (Exemplar is a prestige class in Complete Adventurer)
  • Skill Mastery (escape artist). (This is done with the exemplar prestige class)
  • Skill Artistry (escape artist). (This is done with the exemplar prestige class)
  • A somewhat generous interpretation of Exemplar's level 5 class feature, Persuasive Performance, assuming you want to use the follower portion and not to just kill people with ass-splosions.
  • A way to grow (e.g. the spell Righteous Might, the psionic power Expansion, or any magic item charged with a use of Enlarge Person)
  • A way to get your escape artist skill bonus really high through different stackable boosts (feats, skill ranks, magic items, class abilities etc.)
  • A way to ensure that your expansion is sufficient to kill (some kinda Strength boost)

The Set Up[edit]

  • A victim
  • People within 30 feet willing to watch.

How it works[edit]

According to the Epic Level Handbook an escape artist check of 80 is:

"the DC for getting through a space when one’s head shouldn’t even be able to fit; this can be as small as 2 inches square for Medium-size creatures. Halve this limit for each size category less than Medium-size; double it for each size category greater than Medium-size. If the space is long, such as in a chimney, multiple checks may be called for."

Basically, like that killer boneless guy from The X-Files.

The arseplomancer uses this DC to to rapidly crawl through the victim's anus. The Skill Master (escape artist) allows the arseplomancer to take 10 on this skill check. The Persuasive Performance allows the arseplomancer to also make this escape artist check act as a diplomacy check for improving attitudes as long as the onlookers are within 30 ft. A sufficiently high diplomacy check is able to turn onlookers into fanatics (the difficulty varies depending on the starting attitude), thus turning ordinary people into (sadly temporary) devoted disciples of this mighty super-man who can leap into assholes.

Once the arseplomancer is inside the victim he can activate his size-changing power in order to grow, exploding the victim from within. In order for this to work, the arseplomancer needs to pass a DC to burst through the victim. To determine if you are successful, you require to perform a Strength check. The DC is calculated by reducing the damage by the Hardness of the material (in the case of leather this is 2) and if any damage remains, deducted it from the object's hit points (5/inch of thickness in the case of leather). Because flesh is weaker than leather, the DC for the flesh would be lower than that. Although since the victim already has actual hit points, it'd be better to use that than a formula based on how to determine leather's hit points.

Ways to improve your bonus to escape artist checks[edit]

+96 escape by lev 20.png
  • High dexterity is good.
  • Dumping EVERY SINGLE POINT INTO THE SKILL that you can (Your maximum rank in a class skill is your character level + 3. Your maximum rank in a cross-class skill is one-half of this number (do not round up or down)).
  • The Exemplar prestige class also gives a lot of skill bonuses.
  • Perhaps some levels in Rogue.
  • Feats
    • Agile
    • Skill Focus (escape artist)
  • Magic items that boost it and/or enhance other boosts on it or Dex.
    • Vest of Escape.
    • Manual of Quickness of Action
    • Gloves of Dexterity
  • The spell, Shadow Form (from Complete Adventure), which not only enhances Escape Artist checks but makes any attempt to leap into a man's innards from the outside even easier.

Ways to add to the FUN[edit]

  • The Complete Adventurer says you can cut the time of an escape artist attempt in half at the cost of increasing the DC by 10

No Fun Allowed[edit]

  • As said before, this requires a generous interpretation of the Persuasive Performance class feature, specifically what constitutes as "non-threatening" (remember, crawling into someone's anus, if you have access to growing, allows you to slay him or her, and even you didn't have that ability, it might look painful for the victim). One could make the case that "non-threatening" might require you to already be on neutral (or perhaps positive) terms with the observer AND for the observer to be on such terms with the victim that they either don't care if the victim is injured or killed, or perhaps even want the victim injured or killed. And of course it is possible to view the "non-threatening" requirement in an even more restrictive light than that. Not that any of this would stop you from ass-ploding enemies, just that those around it wouldn't cheer you on for it.
  • It's unlikely that the victim will just sit there as you try to get into his ass, unless they are paralyzed somehow (perhaps even to surprised). If they are capable of moving and try to resist, it would be reasonable for the skill check to be even higher or require a grapple skill check in addition to the escape artist one.

5e Unearthed Arcana[edit]

With the release of the Mystic from Unearthed Arcana, there is now a way of performing this in 5e, with a fun DM. Take Order of the Immortal, and the psychic disciplines Diminution and Giant Growth. Use Diminution's Microscopic form in order to become smaller than tiny. Crawl up the target's anus, which can be done with squeezing, then while inside the target, Use Giant Growth's Giant Form in order to go from smaller than tiny to Huge in the space of a second. This will either kill the target, or if the target has many Hit Points, expand their anus to wider than a house. Either way, Lulz will ensue.

Outside Links[edit]

See Also[edit]

Anal Circumference