Asdrubael Vect

From 1d4chan
Asdrubael Vect in all his bitch-getting glory.
And you thought Eldrad was a prick. (This is canon, by the way.)

Asdrubael Vect is one of the biggest trolls (save for Tzeentch, Creed, and Trazyn) to ever walk the 40k universe. He is also a sick fuck.

Vect is the Supreme Lord of the Kabal of the Black Heart, making him the de facto Presidente por Vida of the Drukhari and the Pimp Master General of Commorragh. He spends most of his time plotting how to troll people. Basically, he does it for the lulz.

He's also one really old son of a bitch. Apparently older than a FUCKING GOD! He gives Eldrad penis envy.

He also was a close combat monster on the tabletop, being one of the few characters who could reliably go toe to toe with Abaddon the Despoiler and win, something he shared with Mephiston and the Swarmlord. Entire armies suffered critical existence failure the moment he got within reach. I mean Jesus Fucking Christ. This was prior to his removal though, and he has not had actual statistics for a while now.

Despite being someone who would, conceivably, have done a lot in over ten-thousand years, fluff itself is rather sparse concerning Vect, except to mention him killing other Archons.

Being one of the oldest pricks in history, predating even Eldrad[edit]

Asdrubael Vect is bigger than a dick, he's a prick. He is constantly bringing things to an unprecedented level of dickishness allowing himself to steeple his fingers and cackle "Just As Planned!" while, simultaneously having his cock sucked by his twin blonde lesbian sex slaves. Yeah, he's just that much of a boss.

In fact the only reason he managed to last this long is because no one has ever been able to out-prick him, at least until Yvraine threw his rulership into question and escaped all his attempts at retribution. And, considering Commorragh is a place where rape is considered as exciting a pastime as eating a ham sandwich, that's fucking saying SOMETHING. There have been numerous occasions where the various Archons of other Kabals have tried to assassinate him in order to gain lordship over all of Commorragh. So far Vect has managed to trump each of them in the most dickish ways possible. Just a small example: he planned for the invasion of Commorragh by three Space Marine chapters in order to kill off all of the remaining old Eldar Empire nobility in Commorragh, ensuring he would be unopposed and unbeatable in the Dark City. Vect also disposed of one of his rivals, Archon Qu, by getting Qu's daughter to betray him. Archon Qu was then flayed and his essence trapped in the flayed skin. Vect probably brings Qu's daughter down there so she can suck Vect off in front of her father and he can't do anything but watch. What a prick!

He is unnerved by Phoenix Lords though, or perhaps a better term would be envious. When Jain Zar met him to organize the release of a disgraced Archon, it became painfully clear to the first of the Howling Banshees that Asdrubael in his own way envied what he saw as the genuine immortality of the Phoenix Lords.

Theme Song[edit]

Who lives in a city, inside the webway?

As-dru-bael Vect!

Who slaughters and tortures millions each day?

As-dru-bael Vect!

If bloodshed and mayhem be something ye wish

As-dru-bael Vect!

Then come to Commorragh and you'll be his bitch!

As-dru-bael Vect!

As-dru-bael Vect!

As-dru-bael Vect!

As-druuuuu-bael Veeeect!

Horrifying laughter and screams

List of Asdrubael's greatest achievements[edit]

  • Captured a strike cruiser of the Salamanders in order to bait the Imperium into attacking Commorragh, and made sure to set things up so the fight'd drag out and lure his direct obstacles; the houses of the aristocracy, into fighting amongst themselves to claim this prize. The Imperial Navy and Salamanders strike force, including two more cruisers and a Battle Barge, that barged in afterwards, took the captured ship back and killed the nobles before retreating from the Dark Eldar's retaliation, ensuring Vect ruled unopposed, whilst also demonstrating how incredibly powerful Space Marines are. "Just As Planned!".
  • Crashed a Space Hulk full of daemons into a fortress of the only Archon who came to really threaten him, turning his entire realm into a daemon-infested hellhole.
  • Seduced a space marine Primarch (probably Space Wolves) into giving up strategically important secrets. No really, the word 'seduced' is explicitly used.
  • Tricked a Dark Eldar Lord of a webway realm who refused his rule into opening a gift from him with a BLACK HOLE in it. Surprise!
  • To elaborate on the daughter example above; Vect defeated Archon Qu, Lord of the Iron Thorn, by persuading Qu's daughter to betray him. Vect's Kabal didn't have the military might to guarantee victory (at the time maybe), so he got Qu's daughter to betray her father and deliver the realm into Vect's hands. What Qu didn't know was that his daughter had become one of Vect's courtesans long before.
  • He also contributed part of his Kabal to the Eldar's joint effort from Iyanden and Biel-Tan to stop Hive Fleet Leviathan from annexing a part of Hive Fleet Kraken in the Valedor supplement. This happened because the Tyranids had somehow managed to enter the Webway and to taunt the Eldar of Iyanden about their necromancy.
  • Had his giant floating ziggurat show up in the middle of a Wych Cult arena game to fire at the stands and kill one of the spectators who had betrayed him, incidentally killing all the captured Imperial Guardsmen who the Wyches were supposed to fight forcing the show to be cancelled.
  • When a whole bunch of Kabals rebelled against him, he faked his own death in the battle to see which of his forces would retreat to his headquarters and which would join the rebel army. Upon doing so, he unleashed the power of one of Commorragh's captive suns to completely annihilate the entire rebel army alongside every innocent bystander who lived in that part of the city (being Commorragh, innocent is used in the loosest sense of the word except maybe some of the Dark Eldar's captives).

Dawn of War Soulstorm[edit]

Believe or not, Vect is one of those important figures in 40k that made an appearance in video games like Abaddon. However, no one seems to care because he was overshadowed by other hilariously bad things about this game, even his own idiot apprentice Tahril made more appearance than he did. The only screentime the big V gets is from taking his Dais out for a spin as the Dark Eldar Relic unit of glass cannon doom.

He is also encountered in the Dark Eldar Stronghold, where he ran away on his pimp ride full of hoes like a little bitch, swore to rape Tahril for his failure but got his ride shot down by your troops (Vect most likely didn't die, however. According to Tahril after seeing Vect crash, "If he had died, I should have taken his place."). Overall, the presentation for Vect in this game is rather disappointing, for the fact he never really made any awesome quote or any smart dickery like Sindri other than just chilling on his pimpmobile like a couch potato.

Granted this is all from before 5th edition's revamp, before that Vect had no traits or backstory other than the leader of the Dark Eldar.

Dark Times Ahead?[edit]

Due to Games Workshop not giving Vect a new model (and ignoring his old one); as of the 7th edition Dark Eldar codex Asdrubael Vect is no longer a playable character! Think of the implications; that'd be like cutting Marneus Calgar from the Ultramarines (not that Games Workshop would ever do that), removing the Phoenix Lords from Craftworld Eldar or taking Ghazghkull out of Ork armybooks. For now, he exists only in the fluff (which is thankfully unchanged). On a completely unrelated note, suck our balls GW.

During the Gathering Storm campaign in which a Herald of Ynnead is born, Vect isn't happy about this in the slightest, mostly because this triggers Khaine's gate to shatter and daemons to invade Commorragh. In the initial battle, Vect runs away like a bitch, pretty much in plain view of every important person in the city. Later on, he sends Urien Rakarth and the Haemonculi to hunt down Yvraine, but they flee in terror after it is discovered that the Yncarne can perma-kill them. Vect then sends his Kabal after her, but Yvraine has Harlequins help her keep one step ahead of Vect. He insinuates to his court and servants that the Dysjunction was just as planned, but everyone knows that's BS (though Vect is still feared enough that no one calls him out on his obvious lie). By the end of the story Vect has failed to contain the threat, many of the Dark Eldar (including Lelith Hesperax) leave to go join the Ynnari, his entire court is pissed at him, and several Archons are talking about leading an overthrow, with the loudest being Lady Malys. Insult to injury, it is the Mandrakes, under Kheradruakh, that finally manage to drive off the invading daemons with help from the Haemonculi, completely upstaging Vect. Needless to say, he is extremely upset about all his plans going up in flames because of a meddling god.

The Living Muse[edit]

Things reached their peak when the unthinkable happened; Vect was murdered. He, in an uncharacteristic move, had sent his Incubi bodyguards away to keep order. During this time Mandrakes, at the behest of an unknown employer, swarmed his inner sanctum and killed him. Some rumors said it was the Cursed Blade who ordered it - the Wych Cult had a reputation for treachery. Others said it was Lady Malys (Lady Malys had her Kabal keep their distance from Vect and his forces despite her calling for his overthrow, the lore is ambiguous as to whether she had a hand in it). At the same moment every failsafe against death the Haemonculi had for Vect was destroyed. All the Archons across Commorragh were stunned. Some were dismayed, others worried in paranoia that if Vect himself could die how safe were they? All were apprehensive of the future of Commorragh and planned their next move. The Harlequins of the Veiled Path held a funeral for Vect at the Cursed Blade's arena, and Urien Rakarth promised to openly show his newest creations. Many Archons and Kabals attended, either to gloat over Vect's death, out of "loyalty" or to see Urien Rakarth's performance...

BUT WAIT! At the height of Urien Rakarth's performance, the Harlequins released hallucinogenic gas. They turned on all the Archons who attended, slaughtering them with the help of the Cult of the Cursed Blade and Rakarth's creations. The blood and suffering radiated, and Asdrubael Vect returned to life, rejuvenated by the suffering in the arena. Vect's first move was to have every Archon that attended the funeral resurrected. The "loyal" ones were brought back as they were, while the disloyal ones were turned into Grotesques under Vect's control, or something like that.

Asdrubael Vect declared himself to be a living Dark Muse. (Dark Muses were historical eldar of note, usually having performed a certain feat or mastering a specific skill to propel themselves to legendary status; somewhere between a renowned philosopher ala Confucius and the Dark Eldar equivalent of a Catholic Saint.) Some speculated Asdrubael would become a Dark Muse upon his final death, but none suspected he'd come back and declare himself to be a Living Muse, and for some reason everyone seems to be taking this claim seriously. He moved quickly and re-solidified his hold on Commorragh, he knew that Lelith had gone with the Ynnari, but he claimed that it was part of his plan and said he'd allow it for now. Strangely, though he took actions against everyone who was disloyal (except Lady Malys who kept a prudent distance between Vect and herself since before he died), he took no action against the Mandrakes that killed him; this suggests either that it was Just as Planned on his part, or that even Vect fears the Mandrakes. It's also possible that he tried to make himself as a dark counterpart to Yvraine, an anti-Ynnead. Whatever the case, Vect is back in control of Commorragh and making plans, and first on his list is to destroy Yvraine. By which we mean engage in hardcore ballbusting sex with her. Too bad Big Bobby G tapped dat ass first and her bodyguard the Visarch wants the sloppy seconds, leaving Vect with the turgid thirds at best.

tl;dr Vect came back from the dead, and now everyone he hates better watch their backs.

The Torturer's Tale[edit]

If you needed proof of just what an utter prick Vect is....

Dark Eldar Lords and Ladies
Asdrubael Vect - Archon Tahril - Baron Sathonyx
Drazhar - Duke Sliscus - Kheradruakh
Lady Malys - Lelith Hesperax - Urien Rakarth