Baldur's Gate

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Baldur's Gate is a fucking awesome series of 2e Dungeons & Dragons CRPGs based in the Forgotten Realms campaign setting. They were made by Bioware between 1998 and 2001, and comprise four games in total; Baldur's Gate, Baldur's Gate II: Shadows of Amn, and their respective expansions Tales of the Sword Coast and Throne of Bhaal. The games follow the story of a Bhaalspawn (the player's character) as they discover their identity and have to deal with both the effects it has on themselves and the threat of outside agencies who wish to use the player's character for their own goals.

The series uses the isometric Infinity Engine common to many of Bioware's titles, also used in such games as Planescape: Torment and the Icewind Dale series. Alongside Planescape: Torment, the series (especially BGII) is regarded by many as one of the best CRPGs of all time. The games are notable for being remarkably freeform and presenting a wide variety of options for resolving the problems that are faced, as well as supporting virtually any sort of alignment the player character chooses. The choices available and sheer number of side-quests that can be undertaken provide a vast amount of replayability to the game.

The games are also known for the great amount of dialogue and conversation options available, especially in BGII, where NPC party members frequently held conversations with the player and other NPCs in the world. These could range from hilarious (as in the case of Edwin or Minsc) to darkly serious.

If even the vast options available in the vanilla games were not enough, dedicated players have access to a wide variety of user-made mods that have been produced for the game, which vary in scope between fixing bugs in the game and improving AI to adding entirely new potential NPC party members complete with their own dialogue and quests. There are even conversions that allow for porting the Baldur's Gate content into the visually superior BGII interface - useful considering BGI's inability to support a higher resolution than 640x480.

Some crazy bastards in the early 2010s actually managed to get the rights to officially create an updated version to both games, and to Icewind Dale. Known as the Baldur's Gate Enhanced Editions, these can now be bought off of Steam and downloaded; they come with a lot of fixes, including a bunch of new characters. While there's some skubbery about how good a job they did (the lack of support for the popular, semi-official "Ascension" mod is a particular bone of contention), most agree they're well worth getting for the history alone. Both games include a bonus campaign, respectively titled The Black Pits and The Black Pits II: Gladiators of Thay, in which you create your own party from scratch and fight enemies from throughout the series in gladiatorial arenas you've been abducted to fight in while seeking ways to escape your confinement.

They also released an expansion to the original Baldur's Gate, Siege of Dragonspear, even managing to get the entire old voice cast back for the job, more than two decades after the fact. While a few one-off characters led to bloody bare-knuckle brawling between the usual suspects, at the end of the day, it was a pretty decent one. Even featured a brand new character class, the Shaman, which is basically a druid-y sorcerer. Or possibly a sorcerer-y druid. It's a divine caster with spontaneous casting, is what I'm getting at.

All that being said, there's also a mod for Neverwinter Nights 2, called Baldur's Gate Reloaded. It’s an entire port of BG1 to NWN2, carrying over all the voice acting and plot of that game whilst putting it in a 3D engine with a 3rd edition ruleset. It only came out a few months before Baldur's Gate Enhanced Edition, but has never got much coverage.

Characters[edit]

The Baldur's Gate series is home to an enormous cast of characters. In general, the sequel's were more fleshed-out and popular than the first game's, save for, you know, those who went on to appear in the sequel.

Introduced in BG1[edit]

Bhaalspawn - Your Player Character, child of Bhaal. Sometimes referred to in-universe as Gorion's Ward, nicknamed "Charname" by the fandom after the character name variable used in dialog scripts. Very variable depending on how you play them, with seven possible races, a large variety of classes and class kits to choose from and the option of being anywhere on the Alignment spectrum. We do NOT talk about the atrocity that is "Abdel Adrian".

Imoen - A spunky, cheerful, whimsical female human thief who was raised at Candlekeep alongside the Bhaalspawn. Spied on the PC and Gorion when the latter made plans to retreat from Candlekeep and followed them out of loyalty to her best friend, the PC. Reappears in BG2 as one of your initial party members, she was originally planned to be killed off in the game by the developers, but they rewrote the plot when they realized how popular she was. Having dual-classed to Mage in the interim between games, she has been traumatized by the experiments of the mad wizard Irenicus, who gets her kidnapped by the Cowled Wizards and taken to Spellhold with him so that he can continue experimenting on her. She's ultimately revealed to be another Bhaalspawn, but one of lesser power and will than the PC, which might explain why you can't be raised from the dead but she can.

Jaheira - A tough, no-nonsense female half-elven Fighter/Druid; originally married to Khalid, a meeker half-elven fighter, she was one of Gorion's old friends and planned to help him smuggle the PC away to safety when he fled Candlekeep. In BG2, she is one of your initial party members, her husband having been murdered by Irenicus. This opens her up as a romance option. She's a member of the Harpers.

Khalid - A half-elven Fighter and Jaheira's wimpy, loser husband. Long resented for being attached to Jaheira at the hip despite being completely overshadowed in both tanking potential and damage output by every other Fighter, Ranger and Paladin in the game. He also had no real personality besides being spineless and prone to talking like Porky Pig. Is gratuitously and irreversibly killed off in the sequel (though admittedly in such a way that is consistent with the rules governing resurrection in the setting) to free up Jaheira for male Charnames.

Minsc - A male human Rashemi Berserker (though mechanically he's a ranger with a unique ability that mimics the berserker kit's) who came to Baldur's Gate looking for the chance to kick butt for goodness in the company of his witch, Dynaheir. He's one of your initial party members in BG2, as he and Dynaheir joined Jaheira and Khalid in looking for the PC and Imoen after Irenicus abducted them. Dynaheir's death left him even loopier. Fortunately, his animal companion, a miniature giant space hamster (who may or may not be just that) named Boo, is there to steer him properly. Easily the most popular character in the series, for his gloriously-hammy voice acting, wacky but endearing personality, and just being a very fun guy to have around, hence his getting his own spin-offs. Modern audiences have a slightly more complicated relationship with him, though, with some viewing him as an overrated one-trick pony who keeps getting whored out to sell Forgotten Realms crap to an audience too shallow to recognize his flaws. Which interpretation is valid depends on whether you like his personality gimmicks; if you do, you're pretty much set, but if you don't, he'll be little more than a pain in the arse. Also, his berserk ability makes him uncontrollable and prone to attacking other party members, so use with caution.

Edwin - An arrogant exiled male human Red Wizard of Thay, beloved by the fans for his endless snark and delusions of grandeur, as well as being the best wizardly party member a player can get. Has a silly subplot in the second game about trying to gain ultimate arcane power as a lich, only to end up becoming a woman.

Viconia de'Vir - A renegade female drow cleric whose path crosses the PCs in both the first and second game. Has the peculiar double standard of being very nice to Charname and throwing mean-spirited insults at almost everyone else in your party, like that "sun-dairy" thing your weeaboo "friends" keep going on about but in reverse. The origin of all sexy-but-dangerous Bioware women who are actually not so bad deep down. Another potential love interest character, but we probably didn't need to tell you that.

Introduced in BG2[edit]

Mazzy Fentan - A female halfling fighter who worships Arvoreen, the halfling warrior god, with such fervor that she is as close to being a paladin as AD&D 2e rules allow. (Namely, through getting a bunch of unique powers that mime those of a pally.) Doubles as walking proof that Halflings can get shit done too and a critique of the race/class restrictions of the edition she was born into, what with Paladins being a humans-only option and all. Well-liked for being something other than the stereotypical stupid/timid/goofy halfling thief in an edition that was rife with those, and for having a bunch of fun interactions with the rest of the cast. Was voiced by Jennifer Hale, later the voice of both Samus and the female Commander Shepard.

Haer'dalis - Male tiefling bard and a doomguard. Was considered as a romance option for females but it never went anywhere. Has a lot of good voice acting and witty lines. Likes to nickname the party by calling them animals. As he has a Bard kit designed for frontline combat (Blade), he is considered much more viable than the Garrick and Eldoth, the playable bards from the first game. Sheds some interesting light on another D&D setting.

Keldorn - Rugged, world-weary but still badass male human paladin. His personal quest is well-regarded for being more about roleplaying and moral dilemmas than meat-grinder combat, and for tackling his struggles to balance the demands of his lifestyle and calling with being a good husband and father.

Anomen - Arrogant, wanna-be "Knight" male human fighter/cleric. Only male love interest in the base game. Fans have a complex relationship with him, as, while he starts out as a dickhead and glory hound, he's actually got a very fleshed out character and backstory that gives him a lot of depth and, potentially, the deepest character arc in the entire game, complete with two possible outcomes: one where he becomes a better person (and gets a hefty Wisdom boost), and one where he sinks into despair and bitterness over his failures. The problem is that he's such a douchebag that his inauspicious beginnings incurably colour many players' opinions of him and has a crummy Wisdom score when he starts out, making him a sub-par caster, and consequently he has been near or at the top of many "Characters who just aren't worth it" lists for years.

Yoshimo - Smooth-talking not-Japanese thief who turns out to be reluctantly spying on you for Irenicus because his sister was Sarevok's lover and canonically either died at your hands or on your watch. Has some funny lines about the way weeb settings like his seem to work out, and can potentially get a very small bit of closure.

Jan Jansen - Crazy male gnome illusionist/thief. Fights with his array of wacky inventions, is absolutely fucking hilarious, and has a shockingly heartbreaking personal quest where the woman he loves is stuck in a bad marriage to an abusive asshole and the only way to save her daughter's sanity is to make her lose the memories that might cause her to leave him in the first place. Fortunately, in his ending, he manages to save the day and get the girl with an army of well-armed apes that he smuggled into the city, then trained into his private army.

Aerie - Female avariel mage/cleric. She was kidnapped by slavers in her youth and her wings had to be sawn off after the awful conditions she was kept in led to them becoming infected. She whinges about this a lot, primarily because, well, her actual character arc/quest was left on the cutting room floor partway through development. Fortunately, the expansion pack gives her a bit more willingness to stand up for herself and fleshes out her relationship with the protagonist a bit better. Also a potential love interest. She's even the only party member who gets pregnant and gives birth during the series, and spends the rest of the game adventuring with her child bundled up on her back.

Introduced in the Enhanced Editions[edit]

Dorn Il-Khan - A male half-orc blackguard (implemented as a paladin kit) who benefits from the best Strength score among recruitable NPCs. Unlike the half-orc stereotype of being dumb, ugly rudeboys with no impulse control, he's intelligent, handsome, charming, articulate and pragmatic. Is openly bisexual and can be romanced regardless of gender. Starts out hostile and suspicious to most people but by the sequel has mellowed somewhat and is willing to make friends with people who share his interests.

Neera - Female half-elven wild mage, with a running gag about being mistaken for a full-blooded elf. Angsts about her magic causing wild and crazy effects on and off the battlefield, but otherwise prefers to be cheerful and upbeat. Is a romance option for males.

Rasaad yn Bashir - A human male monk (specifically a Sun Soul monk) whose character arc involves him dealing with the death-except-not-really and corruption of his brother Gamaz and his attempts to get revenge on the perpetrator. Has a poor ability to recognise or tell jokes, which forms the bulk of his humour. Is a romance option for females.

Bosses[edit]

Sarevok Anchev - Main villain and final boss of the first game, a male human Bhaalspawn who is manipulating events to trigger a huge war that will sweep the Sword Coast, hoping to ascend to Bhaal's place by harvesting a great tally of souls in the battle and through the slaughter of any other Bhaalspawn he can find. Proclaims he's doing it all because he's a Bhaalspawn, duh, but other sources imply he's the bad guy because his childhood was painful and he was influenced along the path to evil When it falls apart, you still have to fight him, and he's a motherfucker of a boss, with immunity to most magic and incredibly powerful weapons and armor that you can't even loot off him. In the third game, you have the option to resurrect his shade and allow him to fight at your side, potentially inspiring him to redeem himself and become a better person in the process. Voiced by Kevin Michael Richardson, leading to an impressively deep and intimidating voice.

Jon Irenicus - Mad male elven mage who, in his former life as Joneleth, was the lover of the elven queen Ellesime... before, in a fit of arrogance, he tried to steal the power to become a god from the elves' sacred trees. The elves stripped him of his soul, reducing him to a dying, emotionally crippled husk who nevertheless retained his archmage power, and then booted him out of the city, alongside his sister, Bodhi, who was party to the whole mess. The whole plot of BG2 is his attempt to steal the PC's soul and use it to restore himself so he can take another shot at it, with the added bonus of killing all the elves in the process. Has tons of dark charisma and icy sarcasm that make him the most popular antagonist in the series. He even mocks you if you try to squeeze him for "villain exposition."

Bodhi - She tried to cure her newfound mortality and soullessness by turning herself into a vampire. It sort of worked. While her brother's empty soul turned him into an icy, calculating monster, hers caused her to become a nearly feral predator. She was the subject of a "test run," in which Jon put Imoen's soul into her to see if it'd actually help.

The Five - A band of five extremely powerful Bhaalspawn who have banded together to exterminate their kin in hopes of then ascending to Bhaal's old throne themselves. The main bosses of Throne of Bhaal. The most interesting ones are the fire giant, Yaga-Shura, a brilliant general who's completely invulnerable until you find his heart and undo the magic that makes him impervious to all harm, and Balthazar, a lawful good monk who's only hanging out with these freaks so that he can ultimately destroy all remaining Bhaalspawn in a special ritual, including himself, to permanently sunder Bhaal's essence and ensure he'll never return. Unfortunately, the rushed nature of the expansion means that none of them are really the powerful, interesting, or memorable figures they should be, even with the famous and semi-official Ascension mod, though it does certainly help.

Amelyssan The Blackhearted - The true boss of ToB, the last foe you face in the series; Bhaal's former high priest who seeks to betray her master, steal the collected essence of Bhaal, and use it to become the new Goddess of Murder. Unfortunately, also the least popular final boss in the series, mostly due to the expansion being kind of rushed and her not really having the kind of grand plans or charisma of the previous two.

Quotes[edit]

As described above, Baldur's Gate is remembered for the large number of witty and amusing quotes of its NPCs. A selection are given here. Minsc quotes are found on his page, as he is sufficiently awesome as to need a page all to himself.

  • JAHEIRA: "You are amusing, in a 'what the hell is wrong with you?' kind of way."

  • EDWIN: "Oh, fine, fine! Kick around Edwin, is it?! Were it not for the gobs of wealth and magic that seem to fall into your lap wherever you go, I would never tolerate such insolence! (As it is, just waiiit until you sleep...)"

  • VICONIA: "Tell me, Harper, who was who with your parentage? Father the darthir, mother the rivvil? Or father human, mother elven? It's always confusing with crossbred mongrels."
  • JAHEIRA: "Two people in love, swine. A rain not likely to soak your parade of scabbed obscenity any time soon."

  • [After Edwin inadvertently turns himself into a woman while seeking magical power.]
  • HAER'DALIS:
"I once knew a Red Wizard of Thay,
Who dreamed of lichdom someday,
He said he knew how to do it,
But he still managed to screw it
Up, in the funniest way."
  • EDWIN(A): "Thank the gods he is not a better poet. This is one tale I would rather not see immortalised in print."

  • YOSHIMO: "Tell me, Edwina, would you like me to let out the seams on your robe? I am quite handy with a needle. You do, after all, have more, ah, bulk, in the upper chest area."
  • EDWIN(A): "Silence, you fool! Chauvinist pig! ...what am I saying? I mean to say idiot!"

  • EDWIN(A): "I feel your stares! Die! Die!"

  • KORGAN: "Be aware, Mazzy, I've something long, hard, and low to the ground you're free to touch and fondle. Child, no need to glare. 'Twas me axe I was referring to. It's a joke!"
  • MAZZY: "That's delightful, Korgan. Not lengthy, but effective."

  • VICONIA: "Tree hugger, I have a question for you. If a tree falls in a forest, does anyone care?"

  • HAER'DALIS: "Ah, my hound, this city be the great world of commerce! Perhaps we can sell Jaheira?"
  • JAHEIRA: "Cut your wit, bard. The day has been long already, without you adding hours to it."
  • HAER'DALIS: "Cut my wit? Why, certainly, if only I could use your nose's razor edge to perform the task."
  • JAHEIRA: "Aye, it seems I've sharpened it upon the grindstone of your heart."
  • HAER'DALIS: "Well, my frumpy ptarmigan, I must protest-"
  • JAHEIRA: " "Methinks thou dost protest too much." Aye, I can quote the poets too. If you must protest, I respond only to hunger strikes and, even then, too late."
  • HAER'DALIS: "Oh [PC name], raven of sympathy! Yon woman is stifling my creativity and stealing thunder from my wit! I swear I cannot work midst the lashings of her tongue!"

  • JAHABOAM: "Ho there, I have worked long and lonely hours and it is good to see a friendly face! Care to see some of my trinkets and far flung wares? Something special, something plain, whatever you wish for in these uncertain times, I can make accommodation. Something... for the lady, perhaps? Oh yes, I see a glint in the eye. There is romance afoot, and it needs the dancing partner of the adornments of affection!"
  • JAHEIRA: "N-no, that's quite alright. Do not make a fuss."
  • JAHABOAM: "Nonsense! Oh, but perhaps I have overstepped my bounds with my observant eyes. I apologize most profusely. It changes nothing, though. You sir, your name?"
  • PC: "[PC name]"
  • JAHABOAM: "[PC name]? The name of a man that knows his heart, but perhaps has troubles warming the lady's heart. By no fault of your own, of course! Perhaps a gift?"
  • JAHEIRA: "I said not to..."
  • JAHABOAM: "I believe I was speaking to the gentleman. Now sir, she is a lady of the battlefield, so a commemorative blade possibly? No? I have the perfect thing! A locket to carry an endearing portrait! A minor magic will instantly implant a likeness of the lady. A mere 20 gold, that you might but glance at my other items."
  • PC: "I believe the lady said she didn't want anything."
  • JAHABOAM: "As you will. Farewell for now. Good luck to you and the lady. Ahh, to be young. Jahaboam bids you not squander what there is to grasp. Farewell!"
  • JAHEIRA: "What a... charming fellow. Completely insane of course. Out of his mind. Blind as a bat. No idea what he was saying."
  • PC: "Yes... yes, of course. Out of his mind. Yes."
  • JAHEIRA: "Yes. Well. Let's... let's get going, shall we?"

  • MOOK: "Bloody fine to have some backup. I've heard a bit about you. Been makin' a name for yourself as an adventurer."
  • PC: "Thanks. I do my best."
  • MOOK: "Aren't you a bit too heroic to be guarding shipments for Aran?"
  • PC: "Tis merely a path on the road to another heroic feat."
  • MOOK: "I'm glad I could play a part in your little drama."

  • SIMYAZ: "You live! The illithids let you go? Astounding, unless you are in league with them. I warn you, if you serve them you will share their fate."
  • PC: "No, actually, I DESTROYED THE WHOLE DAMN BUNCH WITHOUT YOU!!"
  • SIMYAZ: "I sense hostility."

  • BEGGAR: "Excuse me... might you have a coin to spare my poor, venerable mother? She would ask for herself, but she lays in a cold, cold room nearly sick to her death, alas..."
  • PC: "She's sick, is she? Perhaps you could bring me to her... I might be able to offer her some help."
  • BEGGAR: "Hmph. You could just say 'no', you know... (Always has to be me that runs into them good samaritan types...)

  • CAPTAIN EGEISSAG: "So you are the one who has caused so much trouble... I must admit, I am not impressed."
  • PC: "Does Sendai think she can stop me by constantly throwing these pathetic slaves in my way?"
  • EGEISSAG: "Your slaughter-filled progress has greatly alarmed my mistress. If I defeat you my reward will be truly worthwhile."
  • SPECTATOR BEHOLDER: "Oh, Captain, my Captain!"
  • EGEISSAG: "Eh? Why do you address me as such, beholder? You have a most peculiar attitude... I shall have to report it to the mistress soon."
  • SPECTATOR: "Oh, never mind that. I always wanted to say that, and there you go getting all upset. I just had a comment, here, before this Bhaalspawn squashes you into so much mush."
  • EGEISSAG: "Hmph. That may not necessarily happen."
  • SPECTATOR: "Uh... yes. Anyhow, on the off chance that you *do* manage to kill the Bhaalspawn, won't Sendai just go the matron mothers and take all the credit for her greedy *little self?"
  • EGEISSAG: "You... speak the truth, my mono-ocular friend. I would rather claim the credit for such a deed myself. Have you a suggestion?"
  • SPECTATOR: "I'm just thinking it would be *so* much better if you fought [PC name] in single combat. Then you could claim to have killed him all by yourself. Even the matrons couldn't refute that. Parades, gold, a new torture rack, it'd all be yours."
  • [The Spectator casts a spell; when either warrior dies, all of their followers will too. Egeissag and the PC fight. Predictably, it is a one-sided slaughter. Egeissag dies and so do his followers.]
  • SPECTATOR: "Ahhh... and so it ends. And so does my service with this particular drow dolt. I mean, what's with these drow? Have they nothing better to do than summon me for their stupid tasks?"
  • PC: "Hey... aren't you the spectator beholder from the Sahuagin city?"
  • SPECTATOR: "That's me. And can I say thank you again for releasing me from one of the most boring tasks in Creation? These drow will just never learn."
  • PC: "How is it that you didn't die with the drow?"
  • SPECTATOR: "Oh, what? Did you really think I would cast that Geas on myself, too? That would be stupid."
  • PC: "So what are you going to do now"
  • SPECTATOR: "Oh, you know. Find the nearest hive. Check out the ladies. The usual. You?"
  • PC: "Fighting for my life. The usual."

  • SOLAR: "When you return to the waking world, you will continue to speed towards your purpose... stopping the prophecy from coming true. My question... why will you do this?"
  • PC: "Errr... because if it wasn't for world-shaking prophecies, life would be boring?"

  • [The PC releases three novice adventurers from a stone spell.]
  • BONDARI: "Die, cursed eyeball! Wha? Uh...? ...Do I, uh, know you?"
  • PC: "I have freed you from your stone prison, young adventurer."
  • BONDARI: "Uh, thanks. Guys, are you okay?"
  • NANOC THE BARBARIAN: Yeah.
  • TIM GOLDENHAND: Yes. (No thanks to you... can't even backstab an eyeball!)
  • BONDARI: Shut up, Tim! Greetings, my, uh... Lord. I am Bondari Quickhand, a thief. These are my companions Nanoc the Barbarian and Tim Goldenhand. He's an elf. And a mage. Uh... I guess I should thank you for saving us. Is there some way we brave adventurers can repay your kindness? Something we can do for you to fulfill our debt of gratitude? Anything? Anything at all?"
  • PC: "A terrible evil has swept across the land and the lives of millions hang in the balance. You have been chosen, Bondari, and you must not fail in your quest!"
  • BONDARI: "A quest! Wow, this is great! What do we have to do?"
  • PC: "A fiendish beholder and his kobold cohorts have infested a cave to the east of here. An evil dragon threatens the land! I must have the beholder's eyestalk to slay the dragon and save the country from certain doom!"
  • BONDARI: "By Mask's mask! We can't let this happen!"
  • PC: "Go, noble adventurer, and retrieve the eyestalk. The fate of Tethyr lies in your hands!"
  • BONDARI: "What type of reward do we get?"
  • PC: "The satisfaction of a job well done. Do not argue, even now the dragon raises his army to crush the world!"
  • BONDARI: "Well, we will be saving the world... Alright, we'll do it! Let's go, boys!"
  • TIM: "Wait! I have to rest and memorize magic missile!"
  • NANOC: "Worry not, elf. Nanoc will protect you!"
  • [The next day.]
  • BONDARI: "(I'm telling you we can take [PC name]. Nanoc, you are unfettered by the weaknesses of the civilized world! Tim, you can cast magic missile! I will backstab. I bet he has all kinds of great treasure!)"
  • NANOC: "{But Tim is terrible. Remember the kobold king? He cast one spell then hid behind a rock while we had to slay everyone!)"
  • TIM: "(Hey! I have the healing potions! I heal you!)"
  • NANOC: "(I can shrug off a blow that would fell a normal man! Unfettered by your civilized ways, I...)"
  • BONDARI: "(Enough. Ready...) ATTACK!!!"
  • [The three adventurers attack the party. They are massacred.]
  • [Bondari reloads]
  • BONDARI: "Uh, here's your eyestalk sir. We found something else, too. I hope you like it."
  • PC: "You have saved us all, noble hero."
  • BONDARI: "Thanks. It was a good quest. I found a dagger and Tim here got a scroll of identify. In a couple of days he'll be able to tell me about my dagger."
  • NANOC: "I bid you a 'Farewell' suitably unfettered by civilization."

And of course, we must not forget the most awesome quote ever:

  • PC: "Ok, I've just about had my FILL of riddle asking, quest assigning, insult throwing, pun hurling, hostage taking, iron mongering, smart arsed fools, freaks, and felons that continually test my will, mettle, strength, intelligence, and most of all, patience! If you've got a straight answer ANYWHERE in that bent little head of yours, I want to hear it pretty damn quick or I'm going to take a large blunt object roughly the size of Elminster AND his hat, and stuff it lengthwise into a crevice of your being so seldom seen that even the denizens of the nine hells themselves wouldn't touch it with a twenty-foot rusty halberd! Have I MADE myself perfectly CLEAR?!"