Boatmurdered

From 1d4chan
Yes, that dwarf IS on fire and he IS enraged.

"Welcome to fucking Boatmurdered! Hope you like miasma!"

Boatmurdered is the story of an infamous Dwarf Fortress succession game that originated on Something Awful. Highlights include elephantine genocidal warfare against incessantly moronic-greedy dwarfs and "Fuck the World" levers that drown everything outside of the fortress in an ocean of all-consuming magma. There really is no good way to convey the insanity beyond reading the story itself. This is THE gametale of all time and set the tone of 99% of them.

Basic Summary[edit]

Essentially, Boatmurdered is a mysteriously abandoned colony in the mountains resettled by a small group of dwarves and their rulers. For the first several years, Boatmurdered becomes a respectable fortress inhabited by nearly a hundred productive dwarf workers. At this point, the rulers are beset by increasingly hostile waves of elephants and goblins who seek to maim every dwarf who leaves the mountain. One ruler, the appropriately named "StarkRavingMad", offsets this by constructing a massive device that releases a flood of lava surrounding the fortress on command, killing all animal and plant life and leaving the surroundings a desolate wasteland. StarkRavingMad finds a body double and quickly slips away at the end of his term, returning to the mountain home to get payback on the noble who sent him as governor and reclaim his gold mine.

As time goes on, the increasingly liberal use of this device upsets many surrounding civilisations, including elves and even the friendly humans. This cuts off the dwarfs from trade and the outside world, which goes as well as you can expect when a line of increasingly incompetent rulers (either unqualified, hilariously inept or stark raving mad) are left unrestricted, and focus their entire efforts on selfishly building bigger and bigger burial tombs for themselves, while countless working dwarfs die in the process.

Eventually, Mariguana (the second ruler of the fortress, having returned for another term and blown most of it building a monument that he insists is the bottom half of a giant lizard) releases the lava in an attempt to exterminate the local elephant population and accidentally kills a human merchant caravan as well, which turns their only allies against them. On top of that, their smoldering bodies ignite some siege engines that had been intended to kill the elephants before being forgotten for an entire decade, creating a smoke cloud that billows throughout the entire fortress and slowly but surely renders all of its occupants insane or consumed with rage. This comes to a head when the (Self-proclaimed) God-Emperor of Boatmurdered Sankis Gatinbromek goes on a bloody rampage after his masterwork carving is destroyed, culminating in him beating an elite marksdwarf to a bloody pulp... did I mention he did this WHILE ON FUCKING FIRE? The fire spreads throughout the fortress, leading to already-insane dwarven warriors, criminals, lunatics, and even hospital patients becoming mad berserkers. Within days, the fortress becomes a bloodbath as omnicidal dwarfs kill each other without mercy or thought. The only two survivors of this madness, save StarkRavingMad who had escaped just after his term as leader and left a body double who died, are a young girl and Guerillamedic, a grizzled veteran and the defacto and final ruler of Boatmurdered. Seeing firsthand the evil that lies at the heart of of Boatmurdered, Guerillamedic abandons the settlement for good, leaving the girl to her fate and swearing to never return.

Eventually the long abandoned fortress is discovered by archaeologists... who are then promptly killed by trolls.

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