Expect huge amounts of derp and rage, punctuated by /tg/ extracting humor from it.
|This article contains something which makes absolutely no logical sense, such as Nazi Zombie Mercenaries, Fucking Space Orangutans, anything written by a certain Irish leper, or Matt Ward creating (against all odds) a codex that isn't completely broken on every level. If you proceed, consider yourself warned.|
"My form of canon is just as valid as anyone else's. Warhammer nerds need to get out of their mother's basements and do something with their life before they start criticizing others."
- – From the midget himself. Dick.
You are reading the 1d4chan article for C.S. Goto, and this pleases Him.
Cassern Sebastian Goto is a black Irish leper and one of /tg/'s most
utterly hated "beloved" Black Library authors, dare we say even more than he who must not be named. His books contain plenty of Eldar torture scenes, and also completely disregard most Warhammer 40,000 canon, along with an apparent contempt for the English-fucking-language. Most likely because they are actually recycled versions of his old movie scripts from fifteen years ago, with just some names changed.
- Multilasers, anyone? (To be fair, it COULD have been explained away as a supply problem on the Mantis Warriors' part, but for whatever reason he didn't bother to do so.)
- One supply Mantis Warriors never did seem to run out of is ammunition. Never in Goto's tenure writing for GW has anyone ever seen the need to re-load. Ever.
- Adamantium is now Adamantite (or is it Ceramite that's become Adamantite? Fucking Goto).
- Land Raiders. They can transform into Razorbacks now. (They also change back in under a page and a half.)
- Apparently Tyranids bray like donkeys now. And apparently so do Space Marines and Necrons. (Hint: It is possible Goto is addicted to Hollywood films where large creatures take a deep breath and scream in a similar, braying tone towards the camera. So his imagination is not *that* far fetching, considering he is attempting to write for the camera.)
- Back flipping Terminators! Cause Goto apparently thought it was a good idea to have a couple metric tons worth of bulky as fuck armor being capable of doing moves that would defy even the logic bending rules of 40k. And now with the release of Dawn of War 3, it is now somewhat canon with the new move sets of Gabriel Angelos which in turn might indicate that this fucker might have something to do with Gabe's sudden
mysterious powers of jumping and doing somersaultsgoing shaolin batshit fucking crazy in said armor.
- You know that Dawn of War book he wrote? Apparently, during Winter Assault, Sturnn got to the titan first and met with Gabe and the Blood Ravens, who had apparently been tipped off by the Eldar that there was a Webway Gate under the Titan. Oh and the Ultramarines Sturnn escorted? They were the Alpha Legion in disguise all along. Fucking Stupid.
For some reason, Goto really seems to hate the Eldar. Their fluff is repeatedly violated in many unforgivable ways, almost as much as the Eldar themselves are when he's the one writing.
- It's fucking CANON that the Aspect Warriors don't own their armor (except Exarchs, but theirs doesn't come off) and return it to the Aspect Shrine when they grow too much sense to play dress-up kung-fu ninjas anymore. Goto had several Eldar keeping the helmets they wore as Aspect Warriors like some sort of fucking souvenir. You could argue that Autarch seem to do this since they can take the weapons of multiple aspects, but Autarch are special commanders who walk multiple aspect paths, more likely they just get a banshee sword from the arsenal before they leave. Even if they grab and use a Banshee Mask, that's still limited to the Autarchs not every non-Exarch Eldar!
- The Eldar also worship Slaanesh, including the entire Ulthwe Seer Council and Eldrad himself. You know, despite the fact that every Eldar, even the crazy, hedonistic ones, loathe and revile the folly of their ancestors that so happened to result in their race being damned to a life of eternal pain and suffering the moment their souls enter the warp after death. Ohh, and said folly also reduced their empire to a shadow of its former glory as seen today.
- Or D-Cannons? The things teleport chunks out of the target (looks kind of like Looney Toons-style swiss cheese production, but messier). The retard had them fire bullets.
- Or Biel-Tan's Avatar? Apparently he hasn't had his Wailing Doom sword for the past 3,000 years. And is dead. A piece of said Wailing Doom was somehow forged into Gabriel Angelos' Godsplitter daemonhammer.
- Or Fire Dragons; Goto wrote that the meltaguns of Fire Dragons (expert tank-hunters) struggle to get through a hastily-constructed Imperial Guard barricade, even at point-blank range, despite the fact that even fucking Land Raiders suffer critical existence failure the moment Fire Dragons starts shooting.
- It gets worse; according to this idiot, instead of using Wave Serpents or Falcons, the Eldar steal tanks from Imperial forces and use them in battle. The Eldar do this because the tanks have better armour, in spite of the fact that the Imperial tanks are landbound, slower and have more primitive guns than their own vehicles. Goto seems to have ignored the fact that the Eldar purposely eschew heavy-armored tanks for lighter, faster, and more agile ones as Eldar strategy revolves a lot on quick skirmishes and hit-and-run attacks, instead of the Imperial Guard's equivalent of a steel wall full of guns.. And the additional armor is offset by the fact that the Eldar ride the tanks into battle by standing on the roof or hanging off the sides like suicidal idiots. Even the Warhammer Community team took the piss out that that one (And the entry below...).
- Additionally, you know how in mainstay fluff, that Eldar tanks are much more versatile and deadlier than Imperial tanks to the point that their dedicated Anti-Vehicle platform can render Baneblades on life support? Yeah you know those vehicles with energy shielding that can deflect multiple Lascannon fire? Apparently, this retard illustrated that an Eldar grav tank can also be brought down by feral world kids throwing stones into its engines, dragging the commander out when he pops the hatch, and sodomizing him with sticks. WHAT. THE. FUCK!? We are not making this shit up! We swear! As if the Eldar has been humiliated enough with GeeDub's proverbial writers cocks, now their tanks are made of literal tissue paper that can be destroyed by kindergartners and their commanders are so much of a whore that they can be literally raped by your little brother. Fucking hell Goto!
- Even language isn't safe. According to Goto, the Eldar can't fully grasp human languages or speak them properly (though the languages of the Eldar are much more complex than any human language, and Eldar are capable of having conversations with each other using nothing but body language; yet according to Goto they can't handle human languages!? Fuck off!)
- In the aforementioned Dawn of War book, if you were wondering where Taldeer (who is suddenly a novice Farseer from Biel-Tan as opposed to a veteran from Ulthwe) was during all this, she was busy being murdered by Ahriman and his Prodigal Sons (who also happened to be on Lorn V for no apparent reason). Goto puts her through nearly 20 pages worth of graphically detailed torture before finally putting her out of her misery (and fortunately rendering the novels non-canon, given that she shows up alive and well in Dark Crusade).
- Macha doesn't fare much better- after being given one of the Swords of Vaul from Gabe (who got it from the Harlequins after repelling the forces of Ahriman) she uses it to turn into some kind of green warp-fire thing to destroy a Necron ship and subsequently vanishes from the story without a word of explanation.
- Lelith Hesperax now lives in the Eye of Terror, and is also a worshipper of Slaanesh. This is in spite of the fact that any Dark Eldar who was so stupid as to get that close to Chaos' home turf would have his or her soul devoured in seconds (which is why they live in the webway), let alone take the utterly suicidal step of actively offering oneself up to She Who Thirsts. And she's also a psyker, even though psychic powers in Dark Eldar have long since atrophied due to their suppression since, you know, they run the very high risk of being Slaaneshi daemon chow the moment they commune with the Warp (and even if there were DE psykers, Vect has made it very clear that using said powers in Commorragh is punishable by death or Haemonculi, the former being death by Haemonculi).
While similar accusations might be fairly leveled at almost any Black Library author, instead of the usual once-per-book or once-per-chapter, or even just once, against Goto you can count one for every page on average (sometimes more).
He is also the only Black Library writer to ever be so much of a pussy to try excusing himself with "having an artistic license" (which in his definition apparently means he's being free to screw the canon left, right and inside out however it fucking pleases him). He is apparently also a cigar-smoking midget, and rides a motorcycle that pleasures him simultaneously — much like Doomrider — which pleases him.
From just a writer's viewpoint the books are awfully written, the plot and characters confusing at times, and it is clear the works were quickly knocked up on a bank holiday weekend by a writer in a half daze from an intense Slaanesh orgy of whips, chains and daemonette snuff (this indeed pleases him).
Fortunately, though GW demand that anything published through the Black Library be considered canon, they also state that canon doesn't necessarily mean true. The work (in universe) may be written as Imperial propaganda, for example. Or in this case, the real-world fan fiction of a severely mentally disabled child living in the slums of a hive city. C.S. Goto is not Ben Counter, though he may wish he was.
We have recently obtained information on his background confirming that at some point in his life he was butt-hurt by a man in a red robe.
Which would explain his near-on obsessive need to fit the words red robe into nearly every paragraph and his desire to rape the established background of 40k.
There is a transcript of an interview with C.S. Goto online. At one point Goto asks the interviewer if they said the word "multilasers", even though the transcript shows the interviewer didn't even use a similar-sounding word. This could imply that either Goto has a psychological problem, he really is that obsessed with multilasers or both.
He also has the balls to compare himself to C. S. Lewis.
The "Best" of C.S. Goto
"Grasping one talon in the formidable grip of his power fist, Neleus dragged the lictor creature out of the sand and held it momentarily, dangling from its own fore-talon. Then, with a swift movement, he crushed the talon in his fist and launched the hapless creature in the air with a swing of his immense arm, riddling it with hellfire shells as it flew. By the time it landed back in the sea of its own kind, the creature was little more than a shredded husk."
-Warrior Brood. Terminator Armor does many things, but giving a Space Marine the strength to throw a 1-ton Tyranid a few hundred feet through the air is not one of them. On the otherhand, fuck knows how strong Space Marines are thanks to GW never formalizing it and it always shifts with the plot even in GW fluff.
"Balder's fellow veterans were in formation around him, discharging volleys of lasfire from their multilasers, providing support for Hoenir's squad."
-Warrior Brood. The aforementioned Multilasers.
"Taldeer stood bolt upright with her hands pressed against the lintel and her feet braced against the floor. The sinewy muscles in her slender limbs were taut and bulging with exertion. Her neck was knotted with protruding veins and her mouth was stretched into a contorted, rigid and unnatural cave. But it was her eyes that commanded the scene: they had gone. In their place there were simply two gaping cavities, rimmed with a thick, bloody ichor. She was screaming.(...)After a sudden, gurgling pause in her screams, Taldeer yelled something incoherent in a tongue that Gabriel did not know. Her voice was shrill and wracked with pain, but there was a new quality to the sound that even Gabriel could recognize. She had been shot. As the psychic screaming commenced, slightly weaker than before, Gabriel ripped his chainsword into life and whirled it around his head, clearing a moment of clarity in the mists of Chaos for him to assess the situation. A gaping wound had appeared in the side of the alien's abdomen, as though she had been shot at close range by a bolter. Judging from the position of the wound, Gabriel reckoned that the shell had probably ricocheted off the bulkhead and then punched into her kidneys, if eldar had kidneys."
-Dawn of War: Tempest, page 88. Unfortunately for her, this doesn't kill her.
"With an explosion of emerald light, the stones seemed to detonate, spraying themselves into shrapnel and jagged shards that ricocheted around the polished, wraithbone walls of her inner sanctum. A hail of razor-sharp projectiles, like the tiny shruikens (sic) used in eldar firearms, lashed into Macha's body, lacerating the psychic shields and armoured plates with microscopic ease. Before she could rise to her feet or even let out a cry, Macha slumped forwards onto the circular tablet, unconscious and bleeding from thousands of tiny incisions."
-Dawn of War: Ascension. Macha's also described as having white hair, which is blatantly false too, especially now that Dawn of War III canonically depicts her just as fa/tg/uys have for years. Also, shuriken is singular and plural, like all Japanese words.
"With a blinding blast of red light, the Assault Marine's jump-pack went critical and its fuel cells detonated, firing him down towards the ground like a giant bolter shell. Even from where he was standing, Gabriel could see the Marine was working to release the grenades that were clipped around his belt, flinging them down into the formation of eldar below him even as he rocketed down towards them. The disciplined aliens seemed unphased (sic) for a fraction of a second, holding their firing vectors until they realised what was about to happen. Then, as the xenos creatures began to scatter away from the Wave Serpents, the string of grenades smacked into the ground and detonated all at once, blowing a huge crater into the desert and rocking the nearest Wave Serpent. In an instant, the Marine's jump-pack roared down towards the vehicle, spiralling on its axis now that it had been jettisoned by the Marine himself, until it punched heavily into the gunnery cockpit on top of the Wave Serpent, blowing it clean off the vehicle and engulfing the whole thing in a giant red fireball. The Marine himself ploughed down into the desert nearby."
Dawn of War: Ascension. Jump-packs do not work that way and they never will. Neither do grenades.
"Somewhere in the lashes of the Eye of Terror, Lelith Hesperax flicked open her eyes with a slow smile, the serrated perfection of her teeth glinting lightlessly...(upon killing an underling) This soul she would offer to the Satin Throne, its twisted and unrestrained hedonism would please the dark lord of pleasure and fulfill the continuing terms of their ancient compact."
Warrior Coven. The only compact Slaanesh would make with a Dark Eldar is "I eat your soul and you die (not necessarily in that order)." And that would definitely not involve implied lesbianism with a Daemon Prince.
"They all looked down at the tiny form of the alien creature, broken, bleeding, and shattered by the agonies of the warp and the hostility of the Ravenous Spirit." (...)
"Between them they were carrying a large, heavy throne, in which was slumped the broken and contorted figure of the eldar seer." (...)
"Gabriel hastened over to the broken form of Taldeer, who was lying in a frozen pool of her own blood. Her eye cavities trickled with tissue and her abdomen was a shredded mess of flesh and shrapnel."(...)
"His eyes were fixed on the inferno that was gathering in the downed Thunderhawk, enshrouding the dying eldar seer in a thick death-mask of smoke and toxins."
-Dawn of War: Tempest, pages 89-100. WHAT THE FUCK, Goto,
what did Taldeer ever do to you? she stole LIVII's well-muscled body away.
"The Harlequin mime had been strapped to its surface and was pinned by four Marines, each holding one of its limbs in place. The thin, rubbery armour over the alien’s chest had been sliced open and peeled back, exposing its porcelain skin. In turn, the skin had been cut, burnt and shredded until it was awash with bloody colours, almost as vibrant as the eldar’s armour itself. The alien’s mask had been removed, and I could clearly see its startling blue eyes bulge with each incision. Ahriman circled the table slowly, muttering quietly to himself in a tongue that I recognised but could not fully recall. He was lost in concentration, and seemed to be almost oblivious to the presence of the dying Harlequin on the table next to him. But as he muttered the secret words of his forgotten language, more cuts and gashes appeared in the flesh of the prisoner, each wider and deeper than the last until blood started to ooze out of the joints in the creature’s armour, pooling on the table and then on the floor below. But the Harlequin said nothing. It made no sound at all. Its eyes bulged and widened with each stroke of the invisible knife; it was clear that the alien was suffering terrible pain."
-Dawn of War: Tempest. You know what, a better title for the book might be "Exhibit A". Clearly Goto dislikes mimes. And Eldar. So, he made his own custom Harlequin unit for the job of...pleasing him.
Here is his wikipedia page. It is highly recommended that you check it out: https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Cassern_S._Goto&oldid=329863137