Carlos McConnell

From 1d4chan
This picture is only missing the catgirls.

Carlos McConnell, the Most Interesting Man in the Imperium, is the result of fa/tg/uys getting into a discussion about the felinids in what was originally an image dump thread.

Felinids are Abhumans that come from the world of Carlos McConnell, the denizens of /tg/ decided that this was the name of the planet’s discoverer and gave him a backstory.

It was glorious.

History[edit]

A power claymore in one hand, a laspistola in the other, Carlos McConnell was the bravest Rogue Trader the galaxy had ever known. Wearing a kilt and sombrero (because in 'Murica all Spaniards are Mexicans), his faith in the Emperador was so strong that he was able to accomplish his duties even with a ship crewed by nothing but Felinids. Only Emperor knows why the man chose to surround himself with Abhumans, but that's Rogue Traders for you.

Carlos McConnell! Born of an Angry Spanishian Commissar and her Angrier Scottishian General Lover!

Sent into this world in the midst of battle! Like Hercules in the crib, he throttled Rippers! He spent his childhood beating up Gretchin - as practice!

His mother was eaten by a Mawloc - so he ate it! With Potatties and Hotsauce! His father was killed by a Champion of Slaanesh - so we all know what happened next - "My name is Carlos McConnell. You killed my father. Prepare to die!"

He stole a ship to get his revenge - and the crew gladly accepted him as their new captain!

He killed a Hundred men and pleasured a Hundred women to earn his warrant of trade!

He conquered a planet from xenos and heretical filth, named it after himself, and found it filled with catgirls!

Carlos McConnell - Rogue Trader and Hero of the Imperium!

Personal Ship[edit]

A Cruiser, so obnoxiously decorated it was once hired to infiltrate a Slaaneshi fleet by the Inquisition. This lead to the infamous incident where he gained the hatred of a Keeper of Secrets by beating it in a seduction contest while remaining pure to the God Emperor. He seduced the Keeper of Secrets. (The Keeper of Secrets then killed itself due to realizing it could never be adequate.)

It has two figureheads; a Scottishian Catgirl and a Spanishian Catgirl making out.

His crew consists entirely of Felinids and includes Seneschal Schrödinger and Arch-Militant Clan-Clan. Additionally, the AdMech willingly made a servitor body for his ship's Machine Spirit for fear of the consequences of not giving the machine spirit a body, after they discerned how bad it wanted to fuck McConnell. It was, of course, a busty catgirl. And he, of course, fucked it.

It contains a component that lets him rearrange the interior like a maze. Not because it protects the ship from boarders, but because his ship is designed so that he can have any crew quarters in the ship lead directly to his bed room; i.e. you step out of your shower and into his private chambers with nothing but a towel and don't know how you got there.

  • Lunar Class Cruiser
    • Speed: 5
    • Detection: +10
    • Manoeuvrability: +10
    • Hull Integrity: 70
    • Armour: 20
    • Turret Rating: 2
    • Space: 75
    • SP: 60
    • Weapon Capacity
      • Prow 1
      • Port 2
      • Starboard 2
    • Qualities
      • Adventurous - +10 Detection on Endeavours, -10 Detection off Endeavours
      • Emissary of the Imperator: +15 ro Intimidate tests, -5 to other social tests.
    • Systems
      • Jovian Pattern Warcruiser Drive
      • Auxiliary Plasma Banks
      • Teleportarium
      • Nova Cannon
      • Port and Starboard Lance Batteries

Facts[edit]

  • Carlos McConnell! He never hired a catgirl onto his ship that he hadn’t slept with! And he had a full crew!
  • Carlos McConnell - he would fight the foulest of xeno lifeforms with a cape and sword - for fun! Then, no matter how toxic they were, he'd turn their innards into haggis and eat it!
  • Carlos McConnell - enforced bisexuality on his ship!
  • Carlos McConnell - started catgirl orgies with but a stern word!
  • Carlos McConnell - caber toss'd trees at Orks!
  • Carlos McConnell - made a mean burrito!
  • Carlos McConnell - had the greatest moustache in history! (And sideburns to match)
  • Carlos McConnell - is the ultimate chad!
  • Amberley Vail probably read about McConnell somewhere and bestowed the title of Most Interesting Man in the Imperium upon him, leading to his running rivalry with Cain.
  • Amberley Vail is in love with him. In all those unspoken of sex scenes with Cain she made him wear a kilt and a sombrero. (Carlos actually met her after a freak webway accident left him adrift in time. Cain might have swag but even he couldn't compete after Carlos saved her by winning a three way sword fight between him, Asdrubael Vect and Trazyn the Infinite. Luckily for Cain's reputation the Inquisition redacted all evidence of the event but he knows what REALLY happened.)
  • Carlos had a staring contest with the Eye of Terror once. He won.
  • That Slaaneshi daemon that haunts Cain? It's the one Carlos defeated. She also makes Cain wear a kilt.
  • He fucked something other than a catgirl once, just to see what it was like
  • He found his way out of Tzeentch’s Maze. By accident.
  • One time he happened upon a group of Jokaero. Two days later he had created a device they could not understand.
  • He once managed to convince a Water Caste diplomat to join the Imperium. By fucking her of course.
  • It has been said that he once out-partied Slaanesh.
  • It has been told that he vacations on Catachan because he finds it relaxing.
  • And he goes to Cadia when he’s looking to wind down.
  • “A guardsman once told me that he raised his voice to a charging Warboss. The entire Ork fleet packed up and left.”
  • He smokes lho from a pipe made from a carved Genestealer talon.
  • Some say that the Emperor himself inscribed the purity seals he wears upon his person.
  • Some say he carries his charter of trade in his sporran, and uses it to buy drinks when he's asked for ID.
  • Carlos McConnell is Sly Marbo.
  • Others claim he does not have a written charter; rather he carries a vox recording of the Emperor's decree for him to do whatever he feels.
  • The Inquisition often questions him, just because they find him interesting.
  • Power gauntlets have yet to replicate the strength of his hands.
  • It was once found that he had taken a Tau lover. Charges of heresy were never made.
  • Some say he finds a hobby in Tyranid steeplechase, riding a Mawloc over fences and occasionally eating other jockeys.
  • One day he sat down with an Ogryn and set out to teach the beast to speak properly. That Ogryn is now one of the best orators in the Imperium.
  • Some say he is always asked to proofread the new editions of the Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer before publication.
  • Carlos Mconnell is really good at naming things!
  • Here is a video featuring some of his exploits, operating under a pseudonym, of course.