"The only cure for vanity is laughter, and the only fault that is laughable is vanity."
- – Henri Bergson
"It's all a joke! Everything anybody ever valued or struggled for... It's all a monstrous demented gag!"
- – The Joker
"Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"
- – Ernest Scribbler
- – If The Emperor Had A Text-To-Speech Device
Cegorach is the Eldar Laughing God, a master of Just as planned, and a massive dick. His dickery is only rivaled by The Deceiver and Tzeentch. He's the patron god of the MURDERCLOWNS and probably Eldrad, who looked up to Cegorach's dickishness and general jackassery as a shining example for all Eldar Farseers. He plays games of Just as planned (Specifically Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Hybercube-Chess-Strip Poker) with Tzeentch, the Deceiver and the Emperor every Saturday night, and spectators can never quite figure out who won afterwards. He's also one of the only three (four, if you count this guy) surviving Eldar gods, the other being Isha (who's with Nurgle) and Khaine, but he's currently in a bajillion pieces, so in spirit, he's not "alive" anymore.
Cegorach has yet to appear in any of the video games or anything like that, but if he did (and he totally should), he'd be voiced by Mark Hamill. He probably wears several harlequin masks, with troll faces, awesome faces, the tragedy mask, and the comedy mask permanently etched on them, and he also probably wears a harlequin (as in the ye olde clowns, not the Eldar) hat and outfit. He is also funny as hell. No one can stay mad at him because he's so damned hilarious, and he actually cares for his followers enough to personally fight for their souls. What a guy.
During the war against the Necrons, Cegorach convinced the Outsider to eat other C'tan, which caused the Outsider to become insane because all the C'tan he ate became split personalities within his body. But there is a huge argument as to whether he convinced the Outsider to eat the C'tan first, or if he was just copying the Deceiver when he told the Nightbringer to eat other C'tan. It's also possible they're the same story, as both The Deciever and Cegorach get their rocks off by impersonating people.
After the C'tan and the Necrons went to sleep, the Eldar pretty much ruled the entire galaxy and because they were so advanced that they didn't have to do any work they started to do whatever the hell they wanted; kind of like The Culture but more Grimdark. At first it was just video games, amusement parks, walks in the park with SPESS ELF Dogs, sports, movies, fighting the occasional aliens who wanted to challenge them (which ended in the extinction of most of these xenos save for the Orks and later humanity), somewhat increased amounts of recreational sex, and television. However, because of the strength with which Eldar experience emotions, and the fact that time goes by slower for them, they got bored of wholesome fun very quickly.
They started to do drugs, then they started having orgies, then they started with the BDSM, and it only got worse and worse and even some of the Eldar Gods started to get in on the "fun". Cegorach was far too busy hosting the Eldar version of Monty Python and being a dick to join in on the hedonism and used it as joke fodder. When Slaanesh was born and went on its murderrape spree (powered by Chaos performance enhancing drugs) and killed nearly all of the Eldar Gods, created the Eye of Terror which swallowed the Crone Worlds of the Eldar empire and sent a psychic scream that killed most of the Eldar race; Cegorach hid behind the stronger gods and gave Slaanesh the occasional sucker punch and the not-so-occasional devastating one-liner.
Still, it wasn't enough to stop the newborn drug-snorting transvestite to wreak havoc upon the Eldar Pantheon. After killing Asuryan; the strongest of the Eldar gods, Slaanesh's performance enhancing drugs started to wear off, but there where only three gods left to oppose him. Isha (who was as usual weeping uselessly), Khaela Mensha Khaine and Cegorach. Khaine finally got his shit in motion and started to fight Slaanesh properly and gave a good account of himself (occasionally helped by Cegorach from the sidelines) but in the end, it looked like the God of War would lose to Slaanesh... until Khorne suddenly came out of nowhere to bitch-slap the prissy little fuck because he rightfully claimed that Slaanesh had no right to lay a hand on his property. (Yup, Khorne considers Khaine his
prison bitch personal property. Go figure.) At that point, Cegorach took the opportunity granted by the distraction to sneak into the Webway while no one was looking, since he knew he couldn't hope to face Slaanesh on his own and the rest is history. (Why he didn't bring Isha along, only he knows. Still, since she got rescued by Nurgle instead of being tentacle-raped forever and now helps mitigate Granddaddy's plagues by revealing their cure to the surviving Eldar, it might be in fact a case of just as planned.)
Today, Cegorach's primary concern is dealing with She Who Thirsts. Being a trickster god though, his followers do things from time to time just for the lulz, such as the time some harlequins defaced a Land Raider seemingly just for the hell of it. As expected, Cegorach is also opposed to the Necrons. He was there for the original Necron-Eldar war, and the Harlequin Masque of the Dreaming Shadow primarily focuses on fighting Necrons, but many other Harlequins view that as a cheap side show compared to Slaanesh. (Well not really, necron weaponry can still melt your face) Cegorach was likely heavily involved in the birth of Ynnead, given how they're both focused on defeating Slaanesh, and how his Harlequins currently serve under the Ynncarne. Where Ynnead fits into his plans are uncertain, given how rarely they are straightforward, but one can be certain that things are going just as planned.
Cegorach is the patron of the Harlequins and keeper of the Black Library which Ahzek Ahriman really wants to get into. Sometimes an Eldar with no soul is made during the Ritual (which is, obviously, an entering trial - surviving being possessed with a Greater Daemon of Slaanesh and having the ability to expel it automatically confirms that you are an incredible badass), which the Harlequins refer to as a Solitaire. These Eldar have great power but are doomed to be eaten by Slaanesh once they die. While they live, they can assrape any army you throw at them. Seriously. But Slaanesh never gets to nom one because each time he/she/it/hermaphrodite tries, Cegorach punches him/her/it/hermaphrodite in the
face balls ALL of his/her/its balls repeatedly and gives him/her/it/hermaphrodite a devastating insult that causes Slaanesh to run back to his/her/its/hermaphrodite's palace in tears. Happy end. Not quite,Slaanesh sometimes wins and sadly ends up raping the Solitaire for all eternity. Only to find out it's actually a blow-up doll filled with explosive confetti, Khorne berzerkers and cold showers. Just as Planned.
Lady Malys and the Entity
In the 5th edition Dark Eldar codex, the character "Lady Malys", former lover of Vect, once wandered around the Webway and found a dude made of golden light. He killed all her escorts and challenged her to a riddle-off, where the winner gets the loser's heart. She managed to succeed and the gold dude chuckled and gave her his crystal heart. She then decided to TEAR OUT HER OWN HEART AND JAM A PIECE OF CRYSTAL IN THE HOLE. Somehow this worked, and she got like special powers and whatnot from it. Sometimes, in private, her stern demeanor cracks and she falls into maniacal laughter. The golden entity is unknown but who are we kidding it's obviously Cegorach.
Or the Deceiver It's definitely not the Deceiver, because the C'Tan are too buttmad to use the webway. Unless you believe this guy. Again, the two seem to like to switch places constantly. Confirmed in the new 7E Harlies codex that it's Cegorach.
- Cegorach is the funniest entity in the universe, bar none, and he's tied with Tzeentch, the Emperor, the Deceiver, Eldrad, Asdrubael Vect and CREEEEEEEEEEEEED! in just as planned and wanton dickishness.
- Cegorach is the Lolz Master and don't you forget it!
- Due to the nature of the Warp, Ceogorach managed to stumble into the realms of Oblivion and found his long lost and equally lulzy brother, the daedric prince of madness and trollery: Sheogorath. Much laughter and cheese was had when the pair reunited.
- Every can in Cegorach's home has fake snakes in it. Every, single, one. Except the one that says it has fake snakes in it. It has real snakes in it. True Story.
- The Monty Python group is actually the church of Cegorach, spreading his lulzy faith to humanity.
- Cegorach ate pennywise the clown from IT for disgracing the good name of Harlequins.
- Cegorach is the proud owner of the Warp Circus, which travels across reality bringing lulz.
- Yes, the Circus can fly.
- Cegorach is responsible for Indrick Boreale's accent and Firaevious Carron's hatred of MEHTAHL BAWKSES! Thank you, you clown-faced son-of-a-bitch; we owe you all the Youtube poop and FAIL.
- Cegorach is sometimes known as "The Honkmother"
- One day, Cegorach slipped a gigantic whoopee cushion onto Khorne's skull throne, when Khorne sat down, the cushion could be heard throughout the warp, the webway, and the materium, and everyone laughed their fucking asses off. At first Khorne got pissed, but as he thought of ways to get revenge, he found the incident increasingly funny and gave Cegorach a handshake, but Cegorach was using a fake arm with a joybuzzer.
- Cegorach managed to outwit Tzeentch once. Though they were matched in dickishness and just as planned Cegorach had the sharper wit. So in a contest to see who could make up and then pull off the most contrived plan, they technically tied; but Cegorach's plan involved a ludicrously complicated series of Rube Goldberg-ian interlocked events that ended with a bolter shell fired by Kharn hitting a bucket filled with pepper that released its spicy cargo all over Khorne, causing him to sneeze which created just a strong enough wind to blow a second bucket which was filled with Nurgle's slime, this bucket fell on Tzeentch's head. Since both plans were tied in dickishness and ludicrous complexity, the Judges used humor to decide whose was superior, and they obviously chose Cegorach.
- Cegorach once pranked Slaanesh when he sent him/her/it/hermaphrodite what seemed to be playboy magazines, but when Slaanesh read them; they turned out to be filled with Khornate imagery, which jumped out of the book and beat the crap out of Slaanesh. In addition, the second page of the book contained the Nightbringer, who leapt out of the pages and cut Slaanesh's dick off and essentially carved a whole vagina into him, turning the one she-male Slaanesh completely into a she...well three quarters of the way since Slaanesh still only has one bewb. And she liked all of it.
- Cegorach pulled a practical joke on Nurgle once, convincing him to place a special powder and liquid into his cauldron of diseases. Nurgle obliged and mixed the two together, but the powder turned out to be ground up uber-penicillin which cured everyone in the galaxy and the warp of all disease, and the liquid turned out to be uber-detergent which cleaned everything in the galaxy and the warp until it was sparkly clean. Nurgle however simply smiled and shrugged and happily said that this meant he could dirty the place up all over again and shared a good laugh with Cegorach. Which is pretty much why Papa Nurgle is a cool dude.
- Cegorach is behind every successful meme, Tzeentch is behind every forced meme. Tzeentch's memes fail to become popular since Tzeentch only has dickishness and intelligence, and thus lacks the humor needed to make a good meme.
- Cegorach once managed to have a Harlequin (most probably the blondie in the Harlequin article) slip into the Emperor's palace and sneak a clown nose, a harlequin mask, and a jester's hat onto the Emperor's face and paint him in silly colors on the Golden Throne, and had the image broadcast across the galaxy and the Warp. The Emperor quickly became the laughing stock of the universe, and more than a hundred Imperial worlds were simultaneously declared targets for Exterminatus to *BLAM* the entire populace for heresy.
- It's said that a very long time ago, during the age of the earth, Cegorach would have sent a joke especially for humans and
this was the result.Ahh... video unavailable, the greatest joke of them all...
- Cegorach is the creator of both DasBoSchitt and Gamer Poop, which are the results of brainstorm sessions with his first (and fallen) disciple, the Joker.
- Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin was once a follower of Cegorach, until he turned to Tzeentch worship and became the butt of the biggest Just As Planned joke of the twentieth century.
- Cultist-chan is, in fact, Cegorach's creation - and his ultimate plan for dicking Slaanesh over,
nopun intended. Only recently revealed in his super-secret tome hidden in the Black Library, the plan is so complicated and convoluted that none of his Harlequins can figure out the specifics. Only Dranon knows what exactly is going on, but none of the Chaos Gods listen to him. Just As Planned. It's all for the lulz.
Cegorach has no Warhammer Fantasy equivalent directly, making him the only Eldar god without one. His portfolio is instead held by Loec who is functionally the same. The Harlequins of Fantasy are more or less the entire Wood Elf race (Legolas meets Hills Have Eyes is perhaps the best description of them).
Cegorach House Rules
Prepare your butt for the king of trolls and just as planned. (Do not bring these rules to a GeeDub game, or you will be *BLAMMED*)
CEGORACH, the Laughing God, Patron of the Harlequins, the Joker, The One Who Has Looked Closely At Life And Seen The Joke: Gargantuan Creature (Character)
|Cegoragh's Rose||36"||5||3||Assault 3||Haywire, Ignores Cover, Twin-linked|
|-||10||1||Melee||Armourbane, Fleshbane, Shred|
- Counter Attack
- Eternal Warrior
- Hatred (Chaos)
- Hit And Run
- It Will Not Die
- Psyker (Mastery Level 5) (Cegorach knows all Phantasmancy powers and harnesses
WarpWebway Charges on a roll of 2+)
- Stunt Double:
- Once per turn, When Cegorach would suffer a wound, roll a D6 and on a 5+, he switches place with the attacking unit. They roll their normal save roll if able.
- The Final Act:
- When Cegorach has lost half of his wounds, he summons D6 shards of Cegorach, And goes into reserve. He automatically deepstrikes in on the following turn.
- Shard of Cegorach:
Appearances in mods and fan-made material
Cegorach appears in the Ultimate Apocalypse mod for Dawn of War as an alternative hero/relic unit to the Avatar of Khaine. Clocking in at 2000 requisition as opposed to the Avatar's 3000 requisition, the Laughing God is less a tanky DPS machine, and is instead a faster support unit designed for hit-and-run attacks as part of a larger force. Nevertheless, Cegorach can still hold his own against all but the most powerful enemy units, but his lower DPS and fewer AoE attacks mean he is more vulnerable to swarms of enemy targets, and will fall without backup. He is also one of the fastest if not the fastest unit in the game, with his movement speed boost ability only rivalled by Deathmarks' Hunters from Hyper Space. In addition, he boosts the movement speed of nearby infantry, as well as increasing the relic resource rate and cap, allowing for more elite units in your army. Unfortunately, Cegorach and the Avatar of Khaine cannot be deployed simultaneously, and unless your strategy is built around hit-and-run attacks, the Avatar is almost always the better choice. His higher cost is well deserved given his excellent AoE special abilities and downright devastating close combat attacks, not to mention the morale immunity he gives nearby infantry and the fact his mere presence on the battlefield decreases all unit production times. His only real downside is his speed, which almost never matters anyway given how goddamn resilient he is. Still, the model looks absolutely awesome, and is perfect for playing out your Harlequin fantasies or if you need a pretty powerful unit on a budget.
- https://youtu.be/IzWsLaolyLw - Now the creepy bastard has his own theme song. Fittingly enough, it's an ominous remix of the Seinfeld theme.
|The Gods of the Eldar|
|Asuryan - Cegorach - Isha - Kurnous - Khaine - Lileath - Morai-Heg - Vaul - Ynnead|