Expect huge amounts of derp and rage, punctuated by /tg/ extracting humor from it.
| This article contains something widely considered by /tg/ to be something absolutely disgusting, like pedophilia, rape porn, or any other disturbing topic, like bathing in your allies' blood.|
Reason: An autistic man so thoroughly delusional in his egomania that
Oh fuck, where to even begin on this. A concise article on Chris-Chan could fill an entire wiki by itself. And, as that link cheerfully indicates, has. The Inquisition, too, has made a report on the matter. The
man boy tomgirl thing is a fascinating case-study in madness, the likes of which have made him a source of nigh-infinite lulz. Suffice to say that Chris-Chan has shown the world that mental disorders are not a free license to be a petty and evil prick seen as a free license to fuck with and stage manage an autistic man's life for more than a decade (popular opinion of Chris-Chan has always been in flux, but of late tends more to sympathy for his utter disconnect from any sense of reality than to judgment of some of his antics.)
For the sake of all involved, this article will give only rudimentary information and explain his relevance to /tg/. Behold, and be sickened.
Christian Weston Chandler, AKA Chris-Chan or CWC (now named Christine after becoming a "tomgirl"), is considered by most familiar with him to be the
most deranged individual alive and connected to the intertubes, sadly only the tip of the iceberg in that regard, but the progenitor of an entire archetype, the lolcow, much as Tolkiene's elves and dwarves did for over 9,000 derivatives. He is one of a handful of individuals tacitly known to have failed harder than Gloria Tesch or Failbaddon. Born in Virginia to a couple of degenerate White trash American parents, he was well...an autistic child. With a pair of parents that are totally enabling and completely, mind-numbingly ignorant of mental disorders and how to deal with them. You can guess where this goes...
Creator of the totally original character Sonichu (a
hybrid bastardization of Sonic the Hedgehog and Pikachu) and the Chaotic Combo, who are basically a team of recolored completely original supporting characters.
They have wacky adventures in CWCVille (pronounced "quick-ville" - Chris considers this the apex of wit), a town stupidly named after Chris-Chan which benefits from
rampant self-indulgence and sexual fantasies, as he is the mayor Chris-Chan's benevolent retardation, and have wacky adventures dealing with Mary Lee Walsh, a villain openly named after a dean of a university who refused to allow Chris-Chan to stalk girls at her campus. Many of the other villains are based on real-life JERKS who Chris believes wronged him, especially those who are obstacles in his "Love-Quest" to find his sweetheart. The comic starts out innocently enough when it was focused primarily on Sonichu himself, but Chris' involvement and his deteriorating mental state has resulted in adventures that range from the utterly ridiculous to the disturbingly sociopathic.
Chris-Chan is better-known, however, for being a source of infinite lulz; he is a scumbag, furry (...kinda), stalker, homophobe (lesbians are ok though, if he simply was against acting on homosexual urges no one would care, the hypocrisy and...probable hatred is the problem)), attempted rapist, attempted murderer, transvestite who honestly sucks at it, idiot, pedophile, putrid Foulspawn second only to Luke himself, and deranged mental patient rolled into one exceptionally easily-mocked package. He wears a medallion of his created character, walks around with a sign proclaiming that he is looking for a "boyfriend-free girl", and makes every single human being on the planet look less-stupid than they are, just by existing. No imageboard, anywhere, has not at some point, heard of or made fun of Chris-Chan, if not both. /co/ has encountered him, as has /a/ and /v/. Chris-Chan being mocked is universally viewed as high comedy, due to the fact that Chris-Chan himself is a horrible human being. And so it has become somewhat of a tradition for every 4channer to poke fun at Chris-Chan, thus why this page exists.
His naïve understanding of now-mainstream approaches to identity issues (ironically, Chris has an autistic aversion to the word “naïve” much as daemons do to the name and iconography of the God-Emperor) allowed him to display viscerally unpleasant and highly public displays of, probably compensatory, distaste for male homosexuality has severely lessened seeing as he now identifies as a lesbian trans woman. He has become a fiery SJW, throwing a bone-mongeringly autistic temper tantrum when Trump won. He has also been known to have made infelicitous remarks on Blacks (including donning blackface) as well as Jews.
Chris is also known for his use of hilariously lopsided euphemisms; referring to dicks as "pickles" or pussy as "China."
Which of course does nothing but confuse
the Chinese people Touhous unfamiliar with it everywhere.
A series of
hilarious disturbing animated shorts making fun of his comics and insanity exists, and is recommended only at your caution.
Ultimately, it's only a matter of time before the man winds up in prison. Which, when one thinks about it, will in the end be in his best interest. Yes he will doubtlessly be immediately thrown to the very bottom of the
pecking order rape hierarchy (and his empty threats of revenge will doubtlessly only serve to make things worse), but as awful as that is, he might just learn some humility from the experience, and potentially even the ability to cooperate with other people by teaming up with the other abuse victims. What's more, he will be ensured a steady supply of food and shelter (however poor in quality), and for once, even if it's not him, someone's going to keep his damn room clean (or cell in this case). And best of all, whether it's breaking rocks or making licence plates, he'll be forced to learn how to do some actual fucking work. The downside is, of course, that doing something bad enough to be sent to prison probably means seriously hurting someone else himself.
Why Chris Probably won't get a job even if he tries
Be honest, would you hire him? Even if you did, you'd probably have to fire him within a week due to a number of human resources complaints. Of course, this all goes with the condition that you didn't go through a
background check simple Google search, thus exposing you to this entire deluge of offal so offensive it'd probably ruin any chance at even an interview.
Chris-Chan and /tg/
Sadly, not even /tg/, which has about as little to do with this maniac as is possible for a given board, has been immune to his referencing and his stupid. Several anons (likely /b/tards) began spreading various memes regarding Chris-Chan on /tg/. Naturally, Chris-Chan came down with an acute case of butthurt and lashed out at just about every board to retaliate, but as /tg/ was irrelevant to his interests, his interest in the assault wore down quickly, leaving /tg/ confused as to what the fuck just happened.
Additionally, whilst extra heretical, several GMing/DMing members of /tg/ have considered using GURPS or Dark Heresy to set up a campaign that takes the players to CWCVille for lulz and Exterminatus. Shenanigans then ensue. As a setting, the Sonichu "universe" manages to combine bright and cheery imagery and an utterly absurd premise with a grimdark subtext. When you get right down to it, CWCville is what happens when you let George Orwell write a children's show; the mayor and his sonichu creations are above the law, all sexual acts are under psychic surveillance, and making a parody comic will net you a show trial and painful execution. Yes, those are all things that happened. Since then, the lead character has, canonically, been anally raped by his author and nearly every character somehow gender bended. Another great example of this is Don't Zap to the Extreme.
Among the other games he plays is the Pokemon TCG and Yu-Gi-Oh to which he would sometimes dress himself as Ash Ketchum. He also doesn't take losing very well and lashed out at little kids on more than one occasion, which got him permabanned from his local hobby store. Of late, his obsessions have turned to horriffyingly degenerate and spectacularly autistic takes on already unimaginably autistic fandoms, such as My Little Pony and some painfully autistic shit storm called Hyper Dimension Neptunia... And yes, the word “autistic” could in fact be used even more in this sentence.
Relations with the Chaos Gods and other deities
Khorne - Any promise in becoming favoured by Khorne is long gone from the fact that Chris-Chan, while easily being incited into a bloodthirsty rage, chickens out of fights just as easily and has virtually no ability to actually fight, what with his shriveled arms and the laughable amount of time he takes to open a pen knife on an online threat video. Chris sticks to making video death threats and showing his rotten teeth/knife/toy gun on the camera, as well as punching dolls that represent his trolls. Of the two times Chris has actually tried to murder the same guy with his car, he's failed them both and is now in trouble with the police. His only """successful""" assault was a sneak attack against an innocent Gamestop employee with a can of mace, a cowardly and honourless attack which no doubt left Khorne frothing with rage. Khorne doubtlessly recognizes Chris for the worthless sack of shit that he is. And it makes Khorne RAGE.
Slaanesh - Chris' hedonistic lifestyle of spending thousands in taxpayers' money buying hundreds of games, some of which he never plays, pleases the Lord of Excess. Add to that the list of kiddie/sex toys he buys, the PS3 console he destroyed (then bought another), his overwhelming lust/desire for china making him attempt to smother girls who hang around with him out of sympathy, the eye-wrenching videos of him performing unspeakable acts while naked, and his
recent conversion to a transvestite (it's been the better part of a decade now), and Slaanesh is very, very amused. On the other hand, Slaanesh is displeased that Chris-chan makes little to no effort to actively chase girls in spite of his overwhelming obsession with obtaining china, due to his extremely lazy nature DISREGARD THAT HE HIRED A HOOKER FOR 250 BUCKS *BLAM!*
++ The 'screenshots' were quite likely to be HTML-coded fakes and the CWCki mods overrule anyone looking for actual proof. Deceit is heresy; the local commissariat has been dispatched to the CWCki. Move along, citizen. ++
However, Slaanesh is quite pleased with Chris' decision to get his taint pierced in hopes that it will allow him to "scissor" with lesbians now that he is a self-described "Lesbian Identified Male and Cross-Dressing Transgender, Dead Set On for Women." Slaanesh must've been even more pleased to see Chris slice open his taint to let the vagina he thought was growing in him OUT!. His recent behavior in the TooManyGames convention, where he kissed and touched people inappropriately has shown Slaanesh some form of promised that he might ended up finding his own happiness by becoming a rapist or some sort. Although he was banned from the convention because of that but who cares.
Nurgle - Loves the metaphorical AND physical shit out of Chris. Chris' lifestyle is extremely unhealthy in the facts that he never showers or cleans himself, that he eats nothing but fast food, that he thinks standing up while playing Guitar Hero is considered 'exercise' and finally his lovely habit of shitting his pants and not bothering to clean himself afterwards for hours on end (before Barbra can muster the strength to tell him to do so). His house is an unholy mess of junk that has been amassing for decades, and the soul of Chris' father now belongs to Nurgle after being bitten to death by the insects that infest the house. Despite the advice from even his trolls telling him to do so, Chris defiantly refuses to change himself for the better (shower and clean self, improve looks, get a job) even if it would mean finally getting the china he so craves, instead sinking deeper and deeper into the wretched, decaying mire that is his house, which particularly endears him to Nurgle. Chris' recent Facebook posts also suggest that the reality of his situation is finally becoming apparent to him, causing him to fall into deep-seated despair. Despair just so happens to be Nurgle's bread and butter. Doubtless to say that Chris-chan is a champion of Nurgle, and is destined to have his soul immediately bloated into a Great Unclean One upon death (which could be pretty soon). Recently the above mentioned taint piercing got badly infected and became an open wound... yeah.... In a recent event, Chris was banned and kicked out from TooManyGames. The despair from such tragedy has made him melt down in the public where he just bent his knees and laid his head on the ground as if he was praying. Praying to Nurgle? A possible ascension ritual? Nurgle is pleased!
Tzeentch - Too busy planning a life of trollery for poor Chris to bother experiencing any contempt for his disgusting lack of ambition and change, Tzeentch has been behind the creation of all the trolls who now monitor the manchild, making a wiki dedicated to him, keeping a record of all his nudes and horrifying sex-acts (and mailing pictures of some to his parents), as well as raising the existence of Chris' debauched lifestyle to the world and inciting much rage that taxpayer money is being wasted for this worthless sack of fat and shit, opening him to a life of misery. Also, the knowledge of Chris' existence has made so many people aware that they aren't worthless in life after all, even curing some of their depression and despair, knowing that no matter how hard they fail in life they'll never fail as hard as Chris-Chan does, unwittingly making him a beacon of hope. Just as Planned.
Malal- Malal is simultaneously pleased with and infuriated by Chris-Chan, somewhat befitting of the God of Contradictions. On the one hand, the guy demonstrates a knack for self-destructive behavior and ruin, and frequently assaults or attacks figures of authority, which are qualities pleasing to Malal. However, given the authoritarian state of CWCville, coupled with Chris' inability to successfully kill anyone else Malal has his doubts that he'd make for a good anarchist, let alone a harbinger of Oblivion. Still, Malal has fun pushing along Chris' already poor impulse control, causing him to waste his livelihood, neglect his own health and hopefully one day bring about his own ruin. If only because it would piss off Nurgle and Slaanesh.
Gork- Although both Chris and Gork both have no idea how the zogging internet works Chris has no fighting ability whatsoever, pair that with the fact he isn't an Ork makes currying favour from this Ork god impossible.
Mork- Chris has attempted to express some forms of low cunning over the years; the most famous one being his attempt to trick a potential sweetheart over to his place by pretending to be her boyfriend to do god knows what with her (which would have been a serious crime - rape by fraud - if he succeeded), but has failed at every attempt of trickery possible and thus has earnt the eternal ire of Mork.
Great Horned Rat - Being the god of Skaven, Chris Chan does not interest the Great Horned One the slightest. To the Horned One, all humans are either playthings or food sources, even Chris himself. However, the rat children of the Horned One do have some parasitic relations with Chris. For you see, many rats once dwelt in Chris's old home like it is their playground. Due to how fucking messy the place was, it served as a good hiding ground for them as well as a food source where they could find 10-years old Cheetos as well as other junk food. The bad news is they were sometimes hunted by Chris Chan's father Bob as well as his cat. In the recent year the old house caught on fire and burned, which drove many rats away and also drove the Great Horned one's attention away. Until recently, that is. Chris got a new home and the rat children now once again SCURRY-ROAM around his new home, risking being hunted by Chris' last remaining cats, except Bob because he is no more YES-YES. Currently waiting to GNAW-EAT Chris' corpse after his eventual death.
011.014.M3January 11th, 2014, Chris-Chan's house burned down, nearly putting to an end the career of the aspiring Plague Champion. Countless Sonichu artifacts were lost, including his Colossal Porn Collection. Whilst allegedly this fire occured due to an electrical surge from a malfunctioning coffee pot, a more likely reason is that Khorne, disgusted with Chris-Chan's supplication towards Slaanesh, decided that it was time to slap some manliness into him, and sent Kharn to pay Chris a visit.
Swell guy, that Kharn.
Despite Khorne's best efforts, Nurgle's grip is too strong on the Chandler household. The destruction of Chris' home, despite being an event which would be traumatising to just about anyone, caused little change at all. Chris and his obese mother have resettled into their usual routines as if nothing ever happened. Not as planned.
However, there is a very likely prospect that Branchland Court is going to be condemned within the next two months. Thus, he will be left with nowhere to go when his insurance company stops paying the rent for the house he has temporarily occupied. What will become of Chris then is anyone's guess. Disregard that, they're back at Branchland Court for who knows how long.
Especially since his connection to the Chaos Gods remains undeniable, it is still unclear why Chris retains a vaguely human shape and has not yet mutated into an abomination that resembles his hideous personality. Some theorize that the visual spectrum of reality is incapable of creating an image so grotesque. Others claim that his mind is so disgusting that it is literally immune to any form of psychic influence, since no psyker, farseer or even chaos god would dare to risk a glance.
A particularly reckless Chaos Sorcerer once looked into his mind and promptly snapped both spine and armor in the attempt of raping himself with insane ferocity. From this event onwards, Those-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named refer to Chris-chan as He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.On the other hand, some Eldar secretly praise him for creating a spark of new hope, as should he die before them, even the most whiny loser couldn't honestly complain about their eternal damnation under Slaanesh's thrall - compared to what awaits Chris-chan in hell. (He is the one being across the endless expanses of time and space, history and all creation, that Slaanesh has found too disgusting to fuck. No, seriously. They're like the word "rubbish" to Glen Quagmire.) Of course, even some among the Eldar, especially militants like those of Craftworld Biel-Tan, are already suspicious that Chris-chan has already fallen into the thrall of She Who Thirsts, especially considering the recent development that he's now identifying himself as a woman. Their fears are that he has already sunk to such despicable depths that it loops all the way back around from "pathetic" to "hilarious enough to make a Daemon Prince just for the lulz".
On December 28th, 2014, Chris-chan was arrested for attempting to vandalize a Sonic Boom display and macing an employee at GameStop. According to news sources, he was upset at the revelation that Sonic's arms were colored completely blue on the display/in-game.
His "attack," as well as a horrendous new look, were caught on camera at GameStop by a fellow customer.
More details can be found at http://sonichu.com/cwcki/Jail_call
He may have just posted a video on YouTube. He has returned. May the Emperor and the Dark Gods have mercy on us all... because that individual belongs in a mental institution. He, as it turns out, now wishes to be a she (or a "male lesbian", since he's still in denial about being homo.). That's right -- Chris-Chan wants to become a "boyfriend-free girl"(as he will be until the end of time) like the ones he's been lusting after for years.
The harsh realities of life are finally bearing down on Chris. His disabilities check can no longer support his lifestyle in the face of mounting problems. His mother's health is continually deteriorating, requiring regular medical checkups. His constant run-ins with the law require his mother to pay court fines and bail money. His refusal to overhaul his way of life, dwindling his money away on frivolous things, is not helping. In fact instead of finding a way to get any kind of stable income beyond welfare, he has resorted to begging people on the internet for money.
It would appear that Papa Nurgle himself is plunging Chris into the deepest pits of hopelessness and despair, in an effort to further ripen his soul so that upon his death he will have one of his mightiest Great Unclean Ones at his side.
It's...actually almost sad. Like genuinely, no joking. He's just a sort of sad parody of a human being and you wonder what more can be said about the guy that hasn't been said already.
The beginning of 2017 mostly consisted of Chris channeling Khorne's rage, due to Donald Trump's presidency. In spite of feeling as though Donald Trump needed to die, he chose to take no action himself and simply prayed for it instead (which is pathetic even for him, at the very least there was no shortage of posters he could've assaulted), once again ensuring that Khorne will never show him favor. Such impotent rage has not been seen in him since the Sonic Boom protests. His hatred of Trump isn't even all that noteworthy, since that's basically like saying you hate C.S. Goto or Twilight. It's a bandwagon, not a factor particular to him. Chris also used to repeat anti-Obama jokes when his dad was alive, so really it just proves he's never had an original thought in his head.
Chris is just as beyond redemption now as he's ever been.
Chris Chan is now doing "normal" things, mostly on his twitter posting about selling stuff like his Pokémon cartridge for the Gameboy Advance. He seems to have come to terms with his existence and what he's finally become; one can only lament what was missed, what he ruined.
We can only wish he had smoked weed to suppress the symptoms of autism On numerous occasions, he smoked weed with a group of much younger people dubbed the "teen troon squad," with little effect on his autism. He also has been banned from another hobby store (The End Games) after arguing with the judge over a match.
To this day, Chris still has not gotten a job, despite the countless promises to apply for years and recommendations from his own circle of friends (one wonders how he managed to get and maintain a circle of friends given his actions and lifestyle) to get one. Opting to instead continue living off social security and e-beg for donations (which he has been getting increasingly desperate about), at least these donations made him do *some* semblance of *work*, albeit too late. It also still isn't helping that Chris still has no semblance of financial restraint and continues to dwindle away his already limited funds on unnecessary luxuries. We could write more but this is /tg/, go read his wiki for God's sake. Only time will tell what wacky misadventures Chris will get himself into, as welfare and donations can only get you so far, and his mother is nearing death, complete with massive weight loss and slow onset of senility.
On June 5th, Chris-Chan had an hour long chat with youtube user Count Dankula. Here it is right here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijGuu_qq2ic
Later that year, Chris fell victim to two genuinely sick individuals called the "Idea Guys," who fed off Chris's latest obsession with an obscure anime, leading him to both give them close to $6,000 and engage in some truly sick antics recorded on video and leaked onto the Internet. Following the "Idea Guys" manipulation of his bizarre autistic beliefs, Chris began to apparently genuinely believe that Sonichu, Magi-Chan, and others, including mainstream fictional characters, were real, and would speak to him, etc (It could be argued that he already thought that they were real, since he'd already had delusional bouts prior to this, and the Idea Guys simply exploited this by creating fake news articles about CWCville under attack by terrorists). He began talking late in 2018 about a "dimensional merge" that was imminent, in which fictional characters would spring to life to live with their creators, while about half the world's population (of course to include Chris's many enemies) were to be wiped out. There is so, so much more to discuss about this latest insanity, but it is totally beyond our modest scope; the reader would have to venture unto Kiwi Farms or the CWCki to get a true understanding of the latest utter batshit insanity and perversity that has been going on in the Chandler household and with Chris going out into public as well as posting on the Internet. You have been warned, there be dragons.
Chris Chan started 2019 off with a week-long Twitter tirade about trolls, being blocked by brony and furry artists, and the aforementioned beliefs of an approaching dimensional merge, which some are starting to interpret as either Chris' grip on reality slowly eroding further, or a legitimate side-effect of his medication.
He also now believes he talks to Jesus Christ and that the Christian god is called Emmanuel (Which was, in fact, one of the secondary titles of Jesus himself (whom he claims is an OC by the way, meaning that the bible is a fanfiction of the bible), like how Nurgle is sometimes called "The Plague Father"). Make of that what you will. This will truly anger the chaos gods.
Additionally, he believes he is a goddess in relation to the Commodore 64 console, which he cannot even turn on without help, has turned his home into an official pokestop for pokemon GO, most likely so he doesn't have to leave his lair to catch pokemon. Keep in mind this a 40 year old man, fucking hell. In recent months, Chris has been blacklisted by a pizza firm, attacked a police vehicle with no penalty, and has ensnared a kitten by the name of possie in his corner of the warp.
If anyone's counting: Chris has still not gotten a job, and instead has been convinced that he already has a "job" being a goddess (meaning that he's now guilty of violating the First Commandment and is effectively an apostate). What's the role of this newly-formed deity you ask? Well, not much except being Chris-Chan, so the patron deity of the disgusting and pitiful, we guess.
A cute girl created D&D versions of some of his characters. Chris-chan got assblasted that the drawings were better than his preschool shit, but he was nonetheless confused about D&D since he never played it.
In a genius move, he begged to be taught how to play it at his FLGS (which he was banned from after sperging during a Pokémon game), then created a character sheet on his own. As one could guess, he has no fucking idea how 5E works, and thus said sheet is an absolute trainwreck of homebrew. This was a relief to /tg/, for obvious reasons.
He is expected to say something batshit bonkers about COVID-19 any day now, because of course he would.