Chris-Chan

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This article is about something that is considered by the overpowering majority of /tg/ to be fail.
Expect huge amounts of derp and rage, punctuated by /tg/ extracting humor from it.
Commissar.gif This article or section is EXTRA heretical. Prepare to be purged.
How the man undoubtedly views himself.

Oh fuck, where to even begin on this. A concise article on Chris-Chan could fill an entire wiki by itself. And, as that link cheerfully indicates, has. The man is a fascinating case-study in madness, the likes of which have made him a source of nigh-infinite lulz. Suffice to say that Chris-Chan has shown the world that mental disorders are not a free license to be a petty and evil prick.

For the sake of all involved, this article will give only rudimentary information and explain his relevance to /tg/. Behold, THE mistake of God.

Overview[edit]

Macha is frightened, and with good reason...

Christian Weston Chandler, AKA Chris-Chan or CWC, is considered by most familiar with him to be the most deranged individual alive and connected to the intertubes. He is one of a handful of individuals tacitly known to have failed harder than Gloria Tesch. Born in Virginia to a couple of conservative American parents, he was well...an autistic child. With a pair of parents that are totally enabling and completely, mind-numbingly ignorant of mental disorders and how to deal with them. You can guess where this goes...

Creator of the totally original character Sonichu (a hybrid bastardization of Sonic the Hedgehog and Pikachu) and the Chaotic Combo, who are basically a team of recolored completely original supporting characters.

They have wacky adventures in CWCVille (pronounced "quick-ville" - Chris considers this the apex of wit), a town stupidly named after Chris-Chan which benefits from rampant self-indulgence and sexual fantasies, as he is the mayor Chris-Chan's benevolent retardation, and have wacky adventures dealing with Mary Lee Walsh, a villain openly named after a dean of a university who refused to allow Chris-Chan to stalk girls at her campus. Many of the other villains are based on real-life JERKS who Chris believes wronged him, especially those who are obstacles in his "Love-Quest" to find his sweetheart. The comic starts out innocently enough when it was focused primarily on Sonichu himself, but Chris' involvement and his deteriorating mental state has resulted in adventures that range from the utterly ridiculous to the disturbingly sociopathic.

Chris-Chan is better-known, however, for being a source of infinite lulz; he is a racist, furry (...kinda), stalker, homophobe (lesbians are ok though), attempted rapist, attempted murderer, transvestite who honestly sucks at it, idiot, pedophile, and deranged mental patient rolled into one exceptionally easily-mocked package. He wears a medallion of his created character, walks around with a sign proclaiming that he is looking for a "boyfriend-free girl", and makes every single human being on the planet look less-stupid than they are, just by existing. No imageboard, anywhere, has not at some point, heard of or made fun of Chris-Chan, if not both. /co/ has encountered him, as has /a/ and /v/. Chris-Chan being mocked is universally viewed as being high comedy, due to the fact that Chris-Chan himself is a horrible human being. And so it has become somewhat of a tradition for every 4channers to poke fun at Chris-Chan, thus why this page exists.

His homophobia and racism has severely lessened seeing as he's now a lesbian trans woman. He has become very liberal, voting for Hilary Clinton and throwing a temper tantrum when Trump won.

Chris is also known for his use of hilariously lopsided euphemisms; referring to dicks as "pickles" or pussy as "China." Which of course does nothing but confuse the Chinese people Touhous unfamiliar with it everywhere.

A series of hilarious animated shorts making fun of his comics and insanity exists, and is recommended.

Chris-Chan and /tg/[edit]

KHORNE IS NOT AMUSED.

Sadly, not even /tg/, which has about as little to do with this maniac as is possible for a given board, has been immune to his referencing and his stupid. Several anons (likely /b/tards) began spreading various memes regarding Chris-Chan on /tg/. Naturally, Chris-Chan came down with an acute case of butthurt and lashed out at just about every board to retaliate, but as /tg/ was irrelevant to his interests, his interest in the assault wore down quickly, leaving /tg/ confused as to what the fuck just happened.

Additionally, whilst extra heretical, several GMing/DMing members of /tg/ have considered using GURPS or Dark Heresy to set up a campaign that takes the players to CWCVille for lulz and Exterminatus. Shenanigans then ensue. As a setting, the Sonichu "universe" manages to combine bright and cheery imagery and an utterly absurd premise with a grimdark subtext. When you get right down to it, CWCville is what happens when you let George Orwell write a children's show; the mayor and his sonichu creations are above the law, all sexual acts are under psychic surveillance, and making a parody comic will net you a show trial and painful execution (yes, those are all things that happened). Another great example of this is Don't Zap to the Extreme.

Among the other games he plays is the Pokemon TCG and Yu-Gi-Oh to which he would sometimes dress himself as Ash Ketchum. He also doesn't take losing very well and lashed out at little kids on more than one occasion, which got him permabanned from his local hobby store.

Relations with the Chaos Gods[edit]

Khorne - Any promise in becoming favoured by Khorne is long gone from the fact that Chris-Chan, while easily being incited into a bloodthirsty rage, chickens out of fights just as easily, and has virtually no ability to actually fight, what with his shriveled arms and the laughable amount of time he takes to open a pen knife on an online threat video. Chris sticks to making video death threats and showing his rotten teeth/knife/toy gun on the camera, as well as punching dolls that represent his trolls. Of the two times Chris has actually tried to murder the same guy with his car, he's failed them both and is now in trouble with the police. Khorne doubtlessly recognizes Chris for the worthless sack of shit that he is. And it makes Khorne RAGE.

Slaanesh - Chris' hedonistic lifestyle of spending thousands in taxpayers' money buying hundreds of games, some of which he never plays, pleases the Lord of Excess. Add to that the list of kiddie/sex toys he buys, the PS3 console he destroys (then buys another one), his overwhelming lust/desire for china making him attempt to smother girls who hang around with him out of sympathy, the eye-wrenching videos of him performing unspeakable acts while naked, and his recent conversion to a transvestite, and Slaanesh is very, very amused. On the other hand, Slaanesh is displeased that Chris-chan makes little to no effort to actively chase girls in spite of his overwhelming obsession with obtaining china, due to his extremely lazy nature DISREGARD THAT HE HIRED A HOOKER FOR 250 BUCKS *BLAM!*

++ The 'screenshots' were quite likely to be HTML-coded fakes and the CWCki mods overrule anyone looking for actual proof. Deceit is heresy; the local commissariat has been dispatched to the CWCki. Move along, citizen. ++

However, Slaanesh is quite pleased with Chris' decision to get his taint pierced in hopes that it will allow him to "scissor" with lesbians now that he is a self-described "Lesbian Identified Male and Cross-Dressing Transgender, Dead Set On for Women." Slaanesh must've been even more pleased to see Chris slice open his taint to let the vagina he thought was growing in him OUT!

Nurgle - Loves the metaphorical AND physical shit out of Chris. Chris' lifestyle is extremely unhealthy in the facts that he never showers or cleans himself, and that he eats nothing but fast food, and that he thinks standing up while playing Guitar Hero is considered 'exercise'. His house is an unholy mess of junk that has been amassing for decades, and the soul of Chris' father now belongs to Nurgle, after being bitten to death by the insects that infest the house. Despite the advice from even his trolls telling him to do so, Chris defiantly refuses to change himself for the better (shower and clean self, improve looks, get a job), even if it would mean finally getting the china he so craves, sinking deeper and deeper into the wretched, decaying mire that is his house, particularly endears him to Nurgle. Chris' recent Facebook posts also suggest that the reality of his situation is finally becoming apparent to him, causing him to fall into deep-seated despair. Despair just so happens to be Nurgle's bread and butter. Doubtless to say that Chris-chan is a champion of Nurgle, and is destined to have his soul immediately bloated into a Great Unclean One upon death (which could be pretty soon). Recently the above mention taint piercing got badly infected and became an open wound...yeah...

Tzeentch - Too busy planning a life of trollery for poor Chris to bother experiencing any contempt for his disgusting lack of ambition and change, Tzeentch has been behind the creation of all the trolls who now monitor the manchild, making a wiki dedicated to him, keeping a record of all his nudes and horrifying sex-acts (and mailing pictures of some to his parents), as well as raising the existence of Chris' debauched lifestyle to the world and inciting much rage that taxpayer money is being wasted for this worthless sack of fat and shit, opening him to a life of misery. Also, the knowledge of Chris' existence has made so many people aware that they aren't worthless in life after all, even curing some of their depression and despair, knowing that no matter how hard they fail in life they'll never fail as hard as Chris-Chan does, unwittingly making him a beacon of hope. Just as Planned.

Malal- Malal is simultaneously pleased with and infuriated by Chris-Chan. Somewhat befitting of the God of Contradictions. On the one hand, the guy demonstrates a knack for self-destructive behaviour and ruin, and frequently assaults or attacks figures of authority, which are qualities pleasing to Malal. However, given the authoritarian state of CWCville, coupled with Chris' inability to successfully kill anyone else Malal has his doubts that he'd make for a good anarchist, let alone a harbinger of Oblivion. Still, he has fun pushing along Chris' already poor impulse control, causing him to waste his livelihood, neglect his own health and hopefully one day bring about his own ruin. If only because it would piss off Nurgle and Slaanesh.

Great Horned Rat - Being the god of Skaven, Chris Chan does not interested the Great Horned one the slightest. To the horned one, all human are either plaything or food source, even Chris himself. However, the rat children of horned one does have some parasitic relation with Chris for they rely on him in some way. For you see, many rats once dwell in Chris's old home like it is their playground. Due to how fucking messy the place is, it serves as good hiding ground for them as well as food sources where they could find 10-years old Cheetos as well as other junk food. The bad news is they are sometimes hunted by Chris Chan's father Bob as well as his cat. In the recent year the old house has caught on fire and burned which drove many rats away, which also drove the Great Horned one's attention away.

Let the Homestead Burn[edit]

On January 11th, 2014, Chris-Chan's house burned down, nearly putting to an end the career of the aspiring Plague Champion. Countless Sonichu artifacts were lost, including his Colossal Porn Collection. Whilst allegedly this fire occured due to an electrical surge from a malfunctioning coffee pot, a more likely reason is that Khorne, disgusted with Chris-Chan's supplication towards Nurgle, decided that it was time to slap some manliness into him, and sent Kharn to pay Chris a visit.

Swell guy, that Kharn.

The Aftermath[edit]

Despite Khorne's best efforts, Nurgle's grip is too strong on the Chandler household. The destruction of Chris' home, despite being an event which would be traumatising to just about anyone, caused little change at all. Chris and his obese mother have resettled into their usual routines as if nothing ever happened. Not as planned.

However, there is a very likely prospect that Branchland Court is going to be condemned within the next two months. Thus, he will be left with nowhere to go when his insurance company stops paying the rent for the house he has temporarily occupied. What will become of Chris then is anyone's guess. Disregard that, they're back at Branchland Court for who knows how long.

Another Theory[edit]

Especially since his connection to the Chaos Gods remains undeniable, it is still unclear why Chris retains a vaguely human shape and has not yet mutated into an abomination that resembles his hideous personality. Some theorize that the visual spectrum of reality is incapable of creating an image so grotesque. Others claim that his mind is so disgusting that it is literally immune to any form of psychic influence, since no psyker, farseer or even chaos god would dare to risk a glance.

A particularly reckless Chaos Sorcerer once looked into his mind and promptly snapped both spine and armor in the attempt of raping himself with insane ferocity. From this event onwards, Those-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named refer to Chris-chan as He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.On the other hand, some Eldar secretly praise him for creating a spark of new hope, as should he die before them, even the most whiny loser couldn't honestly complain about their eternal damnation under Slaanesh's thrall - compared to what awaits Chris-chan in hell. (He is the one being across the endless expanses of time and space, history and all creation, that Slaanesh has found too disgusting to fuck. No, seriously. They're like the word "rubbish" to Glen Quagmire.) Of course, even some among the Eldar, especially militants like those of Craftworld Biel-Tan, are already suspicious that Chris-chan has already fallen into the thrall of She Who Thirsts, especially considering the recent development that he's now identifying himself as a woman. Their fears are that he has already sunk to such despicable depths that it loops all the way back around from "pathetic" to "hilarious enough to make a Daemon Prince just for the lulz".

Sonic Boom[edit]

On December 28th, 2014, Chris-chan was arrested for attempting to vandalize a Sonic Boom display and macing an employee at GameStop. According to news sources, he was upset at the revelation that Sonic's arms were colored completely blue on the display/in-game.

His "attack," as well as a horrendous new look, were caught on camera at GameStop by a fellow customer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EflHHVROiSs

More details can be found at http://sonichu.com/cwcki/Jail_call

2015[edit]

He may have just posted a video on YouTube. He has returned. May the Emperor and the Dark Gods have mercy on us all... because that individual belongs in a mental institution. He, as it turns out, now wishes to be a she (or a "male lesbian", since he's still in denial about being homo.). That's right -- Chris-Chan wants to become a "boyfriend-free girl" like the ones he's been lusting after for years.

2016[edit]

The harsh realities of life are finally bearing down on Chris. His disabilities check can no longer support his lifestyle in the face of mounting problems. His mother's health is continually deteriorating, requiring regular medical checkups. His constant run-ins with the law require his mother to pay court fines and bail money. His refusal to overhaul his way of life, dwindling his money away on frivolous things, is not helping. In fact instead of finding a way to get any kind of stable income beyond welfare, he has resorted to begging people on the internet for money.

It would appear that Papa Nurgle himself is plunging Chris into the deepest pits of hopelessness and despair, in an effort to further ripen his soul so that upon his death; he will have one of his mightiest Great Unclean Ones at his side.

It's...actually almost sad. Like genuinely, no joking. He's just a sort of sad parody of a human being and you wonder what more can be said about the guy that hasn't been said already.

2017[edit]

The beginning of 2017 mostly consisted of Chris channeling Khorne's rage, due to Donald Trump's presidency. In spite of feeling as though Donald Trump needed to die, he chose to take no action himself and simply prayed for it instead (which is pathetic even for him, at the very least there was no shortage of posters he could've assaulted), once again ensuring that Khorne will never show him favor. Such impotent rage has not been seen in him since the Sonic Boom protests. His hatred of Trump isn't even all that noteworthy, since that's basically like saying you hate C.S. Goto or Twilight. It's a bandwagon, not a factor particular to him. Chris also used to repeat anti-Obama jokes when his dad was alive, so really it just proves he's never had an original thought in his head.

Chris is just as beyond redemption now as he's ever been.

FUCK.

2018[edit]

Chris Chan is now doing "normal" things, mostly on his twitter posting about selling stuff like his Pokémon cartridge for the Gameboy Advanced. He seems having come to terms with his existence and what he's finally become; one can only lament what was missed, what he ruined. We can only wish he had smoked weed to heal (or suppress symptoms at least) autism. He also has been banned from another hobby store The End Games after arguing with the judge over a match.

To this day, Chris still has not gotten a job, despite the countless promises to apply for years and recommendations from his own circle of friends to get one. Opting to instead continue living off social security and e-beg for donations (which he has been getting increasingly desperate about), at least these donations made him do *some* semblance of *work*, albeit too late. It also still isn't helping that Chris still has no semblance of financial restraint and continues to dwindle away his already limited funds on unnecessary luxuries. We could write more but this is /tg/, go read his wiki for God's sake. Only time will tell what wacky misadventures Chris will get himself into, as welfare and donations can only get you so far, and his mother is nearing death, complete with massive weight loss and slow onset of senility.

On June 5th, Chris-Chan had an hour long chat with youtube user Count Dankula. Here it is right here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijGuu_qq2ic