Elves are magical, pointy-eared, forest-dwelling hippies; the antithesis to the industrious, manly dwarven race (though ironically in the original Germanic mythology all Dwarfs are a subset of elf, meaning there all Dwarfs are elves but not all elves were Dwarfs). Though related, they are not in fact Eldar due primarily that one is found in space with guns that shoot shuriken, and the other live in forests and have bows that loose arrows... unless you're playing something crazy like Spelljammer. Elves are the chosen race of many hipster Mary Sues in the fantasy setting thanks to their pointed ears, slender builds and ever-perky breasts. In all actuality, that could be why they're always scantily-clad and the fantasy of neckbeards everywhere.
The origins and nature of elves lies in Germanic mythology and folklore. Reconstructing the early concept of an elf depends almost entirely on texts in Old English or relating to Norse mythology, which all together is a clusterfuck of alternate versions and retcons. The facts about elves in these legends often changed though the general idea was a group of beings with magical powers and supernatural beauty, ambivalent towards everyday people and capable of either helping or hindering them. They have been everything from lesser gods to harmful fey beings almost as bad as demons. These varied portrayals and possible pagan origins led to further demonization of elves when Christianity spread to those parts of the world. Most elves in modern fiction are derived from their usually benevolent, fey or near-angelic portrayal in Tolkien's works (ironically Tolkien himself was a Christian).
Please note that this article probably wouldn't concern Dark Eldar and some forms of dark elf, who are usually many times more metal than their fruity non-dark cousins, allowing them some form of toleration or even acceptance by some smar/tg/entlemen. They are also much more likely to show some skin and/or put out, which helps.
NOTE: Below is a factual but tongue-in-cheek discussion about the aspects of elves. Due to various reasons including overuse, being arrogant, and the males being effeminate threatening the gender insecurities among the audience (such as yourself; WANT SOME OINTMENT FOR THAT BURN!?), there is ALOT of scorn towards elves among communities such as /tg/ and here. Read on, learn more and draw your own conclusions.
Common names for Elves
- Those Treehugging Assholes
- The Fair (or Fey) Folk
- Fantasy's Worst Creation, Second Only To Blood Magic
- Forest Sluts (Wood Elves)
- Pompous Sluts (High Elves)
- Edgy Sluts (Dark Elves)
- Fruit (a common item of an elven diet)
- Smug Forest Cunts
- Punching Bags
- Long Eared Forrest Mongrels
- Dandelion Eaters/Keebs (from Keebler Elves) (Shadowrun)
- Knife Ears (Dragon Age)
- Santa's Minimum-wage Sweatshop Workers
- Keebler Cookie/Cunt
- Salad Eaters
- Fun Police
- Aelves (commonly thought to be a mispronunciation caused by a corporate phallus lodged in the speaker's throat)
- Molesty McGee, the slitheride.
- Beren's Folly
- Beren's In-laws
- Shota Fairy Aliens
- Bard Bait
- Plains Dwarves
- Ward Saves
Typical Elven Traits and Habits
- Having long/pointed ears
- Being physically agile
- Magical powers (or just magic in their blood even if they can't use it)
- Lifespan of hundreds to thousands of years, with correspondingly low birth rate.1
- Hugging trees (How are we supposed to climb them?- an elf)
- Anal pounding 2
- Eating granola or other grain mixtures
- Kissing bunnies
- Prancing in meadows or equivalent
- Snapping in light breezes
- Being sissies or girls
- Bringing useless cloth to your dwarven fortress
- Radiating obscene levels of intense gay
- Being unbelievably fucking smug
- Washing my boots
- Speaking in Dickensian prose and hacking into your computer network
- Having Elfginas
All elves are female until proven otherwise.
A common exception to the above is the 'Fair Folk' variant, known to steal children to raise as another elf with no human memories; they'll take your soul if you catch a glimpse of their Wild Hunt, and sadistically murder you if you ever appear near any of their sacred places. In that sense, maybe the Dark Eldar's habits are a spin on their national time-honored traditions. Who knows.
footnote 1: What elves don't want you to know is they have a birthrate similar to humans, but to achieve their longevity and control their population, they eat their own young. That's why they want you to stay the fuck out of their forests: no witnesses. Another rational and plausible explanation is that, due to their immortality/extreme long-livety, elves limit the number of children they have to prevent overpopulation or simply have widespread female infertility due to anorexia.
footnote 2: or they just prefer buttsex
Uses of elves
- 35 elf bone bolts can be made from one elf. The bones are exceptionally splintery. Perfect for dealing with the aforementioned slaves.
- Twigs make excellent fire starters
- Each elf contains about seven pints of elvish blood; easier to carry if you decant first.
- Excellent targets/punching bags. Not only do you hone your skills, but an elf is dead (or at least in pain) at the end. The perfect system! (NOTE: Beware settings where the elves shoot or punch you back).
- Easy start for aspiring pimps.
- Corporate negotiators
- Circus performers
- Nothing of any value
Being better than you and whichever race you play as (unless you play as an elf)Applying butthurt to their sensitive ego
Kinds of elves
Too goddamn many. They're all impregnating each other in the butt like it's gay pride day, creating an affirmative action nightmare.
The female elven reproductive tract is the throat. This has led to several advantageous traits evolving, such as long, sensitive ears to aid in sexual pleasure during the act and chocolate-flavored semen to act as a reward mechanism. Unfortunately, the elven birth-rate is stagnant due to most female elves being haughty bitches who "don't do that!" And the adventurous, kindly spirits who aren't all take up adventuring to get away from the bitches, and so end up with human husbands.
Half-elves usually come from human fathers, who find it very hard to go back to human women once they have experienced elf-sex. Human women involved with elven men rarely get around to getting pregnant when there is a self replenishing supply of chocolate on offer.
Elves in 4th Edition
In Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition elves happen to be the all-around mechanically best race in the game for nearly every class (yes, an elf fighter will deal around the same damage a bugbear fighter can, with one or the other coming on top depending on the situation) due to their Elven Accuracy racial encounter power, the flat-out best racial power ever, which can be upgraded further with the Elven Precision racial feat.
This mechanical advantage, of course, comes with the price of being an elf and this legacy of OP mechanics and butthurt probably one of the main reasons they are scorned.
Elves in 5e
Thanks to the equalizing nature of 5e, Elves are no longer OP. Kind of. Still the same tree-hugging, magical, "beautiful" snooty bastards, though.
- Ability Score: +2 Dexterity
- Typical Alignment: Favor Chaotic Good (Lawful Evil if Drow)
- Size: Medium. Ranges from under 5 to over 6 feet tall, with slender builds. Nothing's stopping you from making a fat elf, of course.
- Speed: 30 foot base walking speed.
- Keen Senses: Proficiency in Perception.
- Fey Ancestry: Advantage on saves against being charmed, and immune to magic that puts you to sleep.
- Trance: Trancing for 4 hours yields the same effect as an 8 hour sleep.
- Languages: Common and Elvish.
And, of course, there are the subraces. The High Elves, with the Sun Elves being the asshole, extra arrogant bastards we all think of, and the Moon Elves, who are more common and friendly (note: they both fall under the umbrella of High Elf, with the same bonuses). Then, there's the tree-hugging Wood Elves, and the edgy Drow.
- Ability Score: +1 Intelligence
- Elf Weapon Training: Proficiency with Longsword, Shortsword, Shortbow, and Longbow.
- Cantrip: Free cantrip from the Wizard spell list. Uses Intelligence as it's Spellcasting Modifier.
- Extra Language: Free extra language.
- Ability Score Increase: +1 Wisdom
- Elf Weapon Training: see above
- Fleet of Foot: Base walking speed now becomes 35 feet.
- Mask of the Wild: You can attempt to hide even when you are only lightly obscured by natural phenomena, such as foliage, heavy rain, falling snow, and mist.
- Ability Score: +1 Charisma
- Superior Darkvision (120 feet instead of 60)
- Sunlight Sensitivity: Disadvantage on attack rolls and Perception checks that rely on sight if you, your target, or whatever you're trying to perceive, is in direct sunlight.
- Drow Magic: Start with free Dancing Light cantrip, get free Faerie Fire at 3rd level, and free Darkness at 5th level. Both recharge on a long rest. Charisma is your spellcasting ability for these.
- Drow Weapon Training: Proficiency with rapiers, shortswords, and hand crossbows.
Elves and Dwarf Fortress
Elves in Dwarf Fortress are notably different than elves in other settings... They are the polar opposite of the above descriptions. The RAGE they create isn't inspired by their gay Mary Suedom, rather the RAGE they create is often related to primal fear and panic. They are terrifying figures of rape incarnate, meaning that all that rape usually focused upon elves in other fantasy settings will be thrust upon your little Dorfy settlers and fortress, with little to no mercy.
TL;DR THEY EAT PEOPLE
(The above may be the ramblings of an Elf propagandist. One of the ones the dwarves didn't drop into the lava. Yet.)
Elf hate in /a/
Even animes hate elves, with the antagonists of Last Exile being a race of elves who are complete pricks and pretty much the cause for the world's problems. Except tan-skinned and white-haired "chocolate elves", they are generally agreed to be pretty cool.
Humans the new Elves?
It is common knowledge that we Humans have a raging hate towards these treehuggers, more so if it is /tg/. Seriously we only think that the only positive outcome of elves if their women gets the tentacle rape treatment. Yet it never really come across that maybe we were the elves the entire time? Well before you carry your pitchforks and shotguns. Think about it. We are the most lithe and agile of the primate species, our women being more flexible than any other primate out there. We also consider ourselves superior to these pebbling animals and we have a relatively long lifespan, that and the fact that we are more inclined to range weapons than bonking large beasts in the heads as well as being generally physically weaker than all of the great apes and even our extinct relatives by a large margin. Well you may say that this may not be true because we have Vikings and other historical badass motherfuckers. Which is kinda true. The parallels between humans and elves became even more striking in the later 20th century and early 21st century. Seriously think about it. We are seeing a rise in veganism and animal rights activist like the stereotypes of elves being salad munchers and animal fuckers. We are also seeing the rise of the dreaded SJW and the pussification of humans the same way we view elves as colossal pussies. If anything we may be seen as the pussified elves of the animal kingdom to the Neanderthal dorfs. We only differ from true elves in that we humans are raging morons at times. Humanity fuck yeah?
Is your Elf /tg/ approved?
A Quick guide to making a /tg/ approved elf. Every answer of yes is a point in their favor.
- Do they eat people?
- Are they batshit crazy?
- Does he/she do cocaaaaaaaaaaine?
- Are they NOT Chaotic Good? (Double extra important if it's a Drow)
- Does he/she wield a chainsaw? (
only applicable to some settingsForget that part. A chainsaw wielding, magic casting elf will be accepted anywhere, due to the rules of awesome)
- Is he/she NOT protective of trees/animals ? Alternatively, is he/she protective of trees and/or animals BUT to the point of bloody fanaticism ?
- Is he/she sexually attractive?
- Is he/she bloodthirsty?
- Does he/she know how to work metal?
- Is he/she skilled at making technology? Otherwise, is he/she at least skilled at using technology?
- Is he NOT effeminate, if a he?
- Does he have a beard or other facial hair besides eyebrows?
- If he is an archer or melee combatant, does he/she have visible muscles?
- It is NOT another fucking Drizzt clone?
- Does he/she inspire fear incarnate and is shunned if not hated by society ?
- Is he NOT childishly, excessively optimistic ?
- Does said elf fight with something ELSE than a bow/longsword/rapier/magic ? (Axes, hammers, fists, crossbows, hell even guns if you have them)
- Does he/she swear profusely like a drunk pirate?
- Does he/she drink?
- Is he/she a pirate?
- Does he/she drink?
- Are they not bigoted against non-elves? Alternatively, do they hate non-elves to the point of seeing them as vermin to be enslaved or destroyed?
- Is it NOT like any other elf stereotype you have every seen ?
If you have a large majority of "yes", congratulations. You have a /tg/ approved elf.
For DM's, you can create any type of elven race. Be it faggy and hate inspiring or scary shityourpants, run away because its slowly coming this way. Unless it's a slave-elf, which is often disapproved of for a variety of reasons.
Don't let us know, or we will find you.
|Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition Races|
|Player's Handbook 1:|| Dragonborn - Dwarf - Eladrin - Elf |
Half-Elf - Halfling - Human - Tiefling
|Player's Handbook 2:||Deva - Gnome - Goliath - Half-Orc - Shifter|
|Player's Handbook 3:||Githzerai - Minotaur - Shardmind - Wilden|
|Monster Manual 1:|| Bugbear - Doppelganger - Githyanki |
Goblin - Hobgoblin - Kobold - Orc
|Monster Manual 2:||Bullywug - Duergar - Kenku|
|Dragon Magazine:||Gnoll - Shadar-Kai|
|Heroes of Shadow:||Revenant - Shade - Vryloka|
|Heroes of the Feywild||Hamadryad - Pixie - Satyr|
|Eberron's Player's Guide:||Changeling - Kalashtar - Warforged|
|The Manual of the Planes:||Bladeling|
|Dark Sun Campaign Setting:||Mul - Thri-kreen|
|Forgotten Realms Player's Guide:||Drow - Genasi|
|Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition Races|
|Player's Handbook:|| Dragonborn - Drow - Dwarf - Elf - Gnome |
Half-Elf - Half-Orc - Halfling - Human - Tiefling
|Dungeon Master's Guide:||Aasimar - Eladrin|
|Eberron Unearthed Arcana:||Changeling - Shifter - Warforged|
|Elemental Evil Player's Guide:||Aarakocra - Genasi - Goliath - Gnome (Svirfneblin)|
|Princes of the Apocalypse:||Genasi|
| Dwarf (Duergar) - Halfling (Ghostwise) |
Gnome (Svirfneblin) - Tiefling (Variants)
|Waterborne Adventures UA:||Minotaur|
|Gothic Heroes UA:||Revenant|
|That Old Black Magic UA:||Tiefling (Abyssal)|
|Volo's Guide to Monsters:|| Aasimar - Bugbear - Firbolg - Goblin - Goliath |
Hobgoblin - Kenku - Kobold - Lizardfolk
Orc - Tabaxi - Triton - Yuan-Ti Pureblood