Fuckin' Adeptus Mechanicus

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Small Book.pngThe following article is a /tg/ related story or fanfic. Should you continue, expect to find tl;dr and an occasional amount of awesome.

It all began when I was a young lad on my family's farm.

I hated to rake the grass, every time we mowed it I had to take the old iron rake and gently gather up the cut grass for mulch. Rake too hard or fast and the large teeth of the rake would dig into the grass roots and pull them up, and when done right it took several passes to do the whole job. It was hard, tedious work.

One day I was watching my mother sweep the kitchen, and something drew my eye to the bristles of our broom, how they collected all the dust and bent as she swept. The seed was planted and the next day I took the broom out to sweep some of the grass, and sure as sure it did a far better job than the old iron rake, but the bristles held on to too much of the grass, so I abandoned the idea for a time.

I resumed the tedious rake until the day my father asked me to take the tractor into town to see the enginseer. I was waiting there, watching idly as he tended to the old metal contraption and noticed some odd metal strip he pulled out of some recess. it was just a bit of flat metal no wider than my finger, but it bent and moved like the bristles on my mother's broom. I thought to myself a broom made of those metal strips might just work. I asked the enginseer what that strip of metal was, and the kind old man told me it was a "leaf spring". I then asked him if I could have some, and being the kind old man he was gave me a whole box of used and broken leaf springs. That night was spent fastening those leaf springs to an old broom handle I pulled from the barn, and the next day instead of raking the grass, I tried my new grass broom. It only took one pass for me to collect up all the clippings, and the job was done in only an hour when normally it took three.

Over the next few months I was able to improve my grass broom. I discovered that if the ends were bent slightly they caught the grass better, I found that only one layer of leaf springs worked better than five, and if I spread the springs wider I could cover a larger area, making the job quicker. By the end of the season I had been able to do more chores in a day than ever thanks to the two and a half hours that my grass broom allowed me to save.

Then the day came when an old techpriest came out to the farm, He ignored my family and walked directly over to me. He looked down at me and I saw myself in those three big red lenses that passed for his eyes and he said to me in a tinny voice "I have come to see your creation".

"I don't understand what you mean, my lord." was my reply.

"Your grass collection device, young one. Cooperation may well save you."

I had no place to argue, so I led him into the barn. Before I could point to my grass broom the man snatched it up and began staring at it for several minutes. Then all of a sudden he grabbed me by the arm and dragged me off the farm into his flying machine.

He threw me into the side seat, and gently placed my grass broom in the back, making fast tweeting noises.

After he sat in the machine, he said to me "I am Archmagos Jarion223122390-3. You have been blessed by the Omnissiah, Firstly for the gift of innovation, and second for having me find you before my peers. You are to be my acolyte, this is not negotiable."

As we lifted off the ground I saw my mother in the doorway, she stood there with tears in her eyes, and I knew then that she was the one who was responsible for this.

Some time into the flight, I asked him "What if I refuse to be a techpriest?"

The Archmagos replied "You will be lobotomized and turned into a servitor. Many in the order see it as the ultimate in the service to the Omnissiah, but frankly I'd rather keep my brain. The choice is, of course, up to you."

"I thought you said I didn't have a choice."

The Archmagos grinned and said "I did."

Decades have passed since that day, and I am now a Techpriest, I have a hellgun in my skull, a stylus in my finger, and my groin was replaced by an impact wrench. All because of a fucking rake.

Fucking Adeptus Mechanicus.