Goge Vandire

From 1d4chan
Jump to: navigation, search
If Stalin became the Pope.

"Oderint, dum metuant! (Let them hate me, so long as they fear me!)"

– Caligula

That's right, his name is Goge Vandire. G-O-G-E Vandire. How much eviler can a name get?

Goge Vandire is a jackass who took control of the Imperium during the Age of Apostasy, holding the positions of Ecclesiarch and Head of the Administratum at the same time, starting the Reign of Blood. If the Imperium is space Rome, this is spehss Caligula, Nero, and Commodus all in one nutty package. He was paranoid even by Imperial standards, and his reign saw the murder of many, many civilians. Surveillance servo-skulls on every street corner, random purges for imagined slights, this guy makes Joseph Stalin look friendly and fair-minded. Took a shitload of spes muhreens to take on the dipshit, and even then he only died because his female bodyguards (who may or may not have been his sex slaves as well; some evil dictators in real-life have done that) finally realized he was an asshole and cut off his head, possibly by order of The Emperor himself. At least he left behind some epic last words of "I don't have time to die; I'm too busy" which probably was adapted into some nice comedy movies for the Imperial citizenry. A good example of how no matter how bad the Imperium gets, it could always be worse. What a cunt.

Speaking of cunts, the Captain-General has the Emperor’s level of authority when the Emperor is incapacitated or at least does not contradict him. Interesting how he didn’t do shit about this horrorfest until the very end.

Reign of Blood[edit]

Even before taking power (well, even more power), Vandire got his way to becoming Master of the Administratum by back-stabbing, bribery and assassination.

When the current Ecclesiarch died, he managed to wrangle his own choice of Ecclesiarch into the grimdark Vatican, who ended up being the weakest guy to ever serve in the role. Thus when confidence in the church started to plummet he actually had a case for storming the palace, where apparently the space-pope was involved in some sort of debauchery that would put even the Borgias to shame. So he pronounced the Ecclesiarch guilty and took the job himself - what a hero! What isn't explained is how he could become Ecclesiarch if he isn't a member of the Ministorum in the first place. Like usual GW just sort of brushes off the impossible details no one else in the Imperial Senate or the Ecclesiarchy would tolerate.

Ruler of the Imperium[edit]

Absolute power corrupts absolutely, especially when the guy claiming the power was corrupt already.

Vandire went insane with power, and started claiming that he spoke with the voice of the Emperor himself, basically a "whatever I say, goes" and started getting clerks to write down whatever he said at all times.

He got himself a holographic map of the galaxy and started pointing at it and issuing crazy edicts:

Daughters of the Emperor[edit]

When he found the world of San Leor he found a convent of holy sisters called the "Daughters of the Emperor". On his arrival his retainers said to the population that they had to throw him the biggest party EVAR on pain of death. So when he paraded down the streets he was met by the flower petals, incense and crowds singing praises to him (at gunpoint) all caught on pictcast for the rest of the galaxy to see.

When he got to the gate of the convent, they said something along the lines of "No Man May Enter Here" and half the Imperium expected another dead world, but Vandire stayed calm, and convinced the ladies to let him over the threshold where he would "prove" himself blessed by the Emperor; mostly by brandishing his Rosarius and saying "shoot me" since very few people on that backwater planet will have ever seen a Rosarius before.

Then he got himself a fanatical army of sexy bolter babes and named them the "Brides of the Emperor"

He also used the Brides of the Emperor for "singing, dancing, and other more exotic skills". So in addition to dictator and space-pope, his job description becomes all the more venerable with the addition "Pimp of the Imperium."*BLAM* The Emprah is the only pimp of the Imperium!

The End[edit]

He ruled for 70 years, up until Sebastian Thor showed up, the rest is very much history. His last words were said to be: "I don't have time to die! I'm too busy!"

He was a huge dick and got what he had coming. The end. Fuck him.

Famous Sisters of Battle and Members of the Ecclesiarchy
Living Saints: Geminae Superia - Saint Anais - Saint Celestine
Saint Gerstahl - Saint Lozepath - Saint Sabbat
Ecclesiarchs: Goge Vandire - Sebastian Thor
Canonesses: Canoness Selena Agna - Canoness-Errant Setheno
Canoness Veridyan
Ministorum Priests: Arch-Confessor Kyrinov - Pious Vorne
Taddeus the Purifier - Uriah Jacobus
Other notables: Ephrael Stern - Miriael Sabathiel - Miriya