Hangover Mechanicus

From 1d4chan
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Hangover Mechanicus was inspired by the OP of a thread that states he was at a cosplay convention dressed up as a tech-priest and he met a sexy Sister of Battle, eventually they got drunk and fucked, and he got one of his steel/machine tentacles stuck in the Sororitas costume when he woke up from his hangover. This is the resulting story based off of it.


Chapter 1[edit]

Vyrius’ augmetic implants strained to boot back up. He had way too much amasec to drink last night if his hangover was any indicator. The last thing he could remember was sharing a joke and some drinks with his old friend and fellow Enginseer Kanisias as well as with a certain Sister of Battle that was surprisingly welcoming of AdMech and company and then…nothing. Just blackness so thick he was afraid an Inquisitor might have blanked his memory. Ah well, he thought that surely he couldn’t have gotten into too much trouble on this dingy little station. He felt sore all over, even sorer than the day after he was implanted with his exoskeleton. He was in the process of trying to wring the ache out of his wrists when he heard a rattle and felt resistance. His mind sprang instantly alert and panic alarms rang in his head, some literal, as he began to take stock of his surroundings.

The first thing he noticed was that the bed he was in wasn’t his own. It was far too comfy and felt way too good on the parts of himself that were still weak and fleshy to be his own bed. The next and much more obvious thing he noticed was that he was handcuffed, thought that wasn’t what worried him so much as who he was handcuffed to: none other than his apparently too good of a friend Kanisias. Vyrius thanked the Omnissiah for the power sword that separated their nude bodies from entirely touching.

“Psst! Kanisias! Wake up!” Vyrius tried to whisper as much as his voxbox would allow him too.

“Vyrius, is that you?” Kanisias groaned “It is much too early and I am much too hung over to be dealing with you. I don’t know why I even let you talk me into-OH SWEET MACHINE GOD WHY-”

“Shut up, Kanisias! I don’t know who did this to us, but I don’t want them waking up too. Now help me up, I can’t feel my mechadendrites.”

“That’s because you don’t have any.”


“Shut up! Remember what you said?!”

“Right, right, now on three we both lift up. One, two, three.”

And with that, they managed to hoist each themselves into an upright position and began to get a better view of their surroundings, mainly looking anywhere that wasn’t at each other.

“We tell no one of this when we get out of this. No one.” Kanisias stated flatly.

“And here I was ready to brag to everyone about this glorious conquest. Now quit your whining and help me find my dendrites.”

Vyrius felt naked without them. He also felt naked because he was naked, but that was a far different matter. His mechadendrites were as much a part of him as his arms or legs. Perhaps even more so, as they functioned as a symbol of his rank as well as an extra limb. With all this in mind, Vyrius still wished desperately that he had never found them.

Slung across a couch was an Adepta Sororitas, the same one from the night before if memory served him, sleeping soundly and as nude as the two Enginseers were, what Vyrius hoped was sweat glistening on her toned and muscled body, her short white dyed hair ruffled in a post-coital bird’s nest. Most importantly, she had Vyrius’ dendrites lodged firmly in her derriere.

“Well, I think I found the owner of this power sword, Kanny, but you’re not gonna like her.”

“Her? Well that’s a relief, small as it may be.”

“No it isn’t, Kanny. It really isn’t.”

“Wait, what about your dendrites?”

“Nevermind that, let’s just get out of here. Trust me on this one.”

A satisfied yawn signaled that they were too late. The Sororitas stretched peacefully, Vyrius zooming in with his bionic eye to inspect the way her muscles shifted as her back arched.

“I don’t know what happened last night, but I feel great! It’s as if I’ve been filled with the light of the Emperor himself!” She proclaimed contentedly to no one in particular, not yet realizing the extent of her situation in her sleepy daze. She frowned as her hand wandered to her backside. “That…is NOT the Light of the Emperor…”

The Sister of Battle pulled out the intruding object with a grimace and inspected it as realization set in. She stood completely still, trembling slightly.

“Uhhh, Kanisias? Now would be a wonderful time for us to leave.”

“What have you done this time, Vyr? And was that voice what I really think it was?”

“Nevermind that, we just need be anywhere but here. Now.”

The Sister turned around in a flash and locked eyes with Vyrius. Vyr saw his life flash briefly before his eyes as hers widened with shock and rage.

“You…” she sputtered, gripping the offending dendrite so tightly her knuckles were whiter than her hair.

“Anytime you feel like moving Kanny…”


“Seriously, Kanisias we have to go, NOW!”

“YOU…” she pounced on the two hapless techpriests with a snarl. “YOU FILTHY DEFILING HERETICS! YOU-YOU SOILED ME! I WAS SUPPOSED TO REMAIN PURE FOR THE EMPEROR!”

“Really, Vyr?! Really?!” Kanisias’ voice was muffled by the mattress the Sororitas’ assault had shoved him into. “An Adepta Sororita?!”

“We’ve been over this, Kanisias, there is something about the familiar appeal of the solidity of their muscles that is evocative of the perfection of the machine combined with the taboo of the curve and suppleness of their flesh that is absolutely irresistible – heeeey there…what was your name again?”

“YOU CANNOT EVEN REMEMBER THE NAME OF THE WOMAN YOU DEFILED?!” she roared furiously, inches away from Vyrius’ face.

“Hey now! Defiled is a bit much, wouldn’t you say? I’m almost positive everything we did here was mostly consensual.”


“Oh yeah? Then why are WE the ones who are tied up, huh?” Vyrius stated as calmly as he could given the situation. Kanisias muffled his agreement.

“BECAUSE…because…well maybe you…because…or you could have…oh, Emperor preserve me!” She relented and sat down on the bed in defeat, only to jolt back up in pain. Vyrius remembered he had more than one mechadendrite…

“Now I understand this is an uncomfortable morning for you in more ways than one, believe me I do, but maybe if you could just undo these handcuffs on me and my friend her for starters…”

She sullenly obliged and the bionic duo immediately set about gathering their things and getting dressed as the Sororita just sat in silence on the edge of her bed and looking to be on the verge of tears.

“It’s Nisania, by the way.” she finally said as Vyrius thoroughly cleaned his dendrites for the fifth time.

“Err, s’cuse me?”

“My name. It’s Nisania. I figured you should at least know my name after whatever it was you did to me.”

“Ah. Vyrius, here to serve. And I’m not really sure what I did either. Maybe it’s for the best.”

“And WHAT exactly is that supposed to mean?!” Nisania glared at the nervous Enginseer. His metal exoskeleton may have protected him from last night’s…ministrations, but he doubted he could survive the full fury of a Sister of Battle.

“Well, err, what I meant to say was-I just mean that, maybe, it would be better for all involved if we leave last night as a one-night thing. It would be less awkward for all involved this way, wouldn’t you agree?”

“So you mean that after you ravaged me you seek to just run away and forget the whole thing?!”

“Run away, sure, but the forgetting bit is already done. The amasec had a lot to do with that, remember?”

“No, I don’t! Which is precisely the problem!”

“Well then, now that we are on the same page…” Vyrius tried to inch towards the door without her noticing. Kanisias was already long gone, as he had refused to stay for a second longer than he had to, but there was no way Vyrius was going to reattach his dendrites to his nervous system in their current state. He now regretted that decision, almost as much as he regretted leaving Nisania’s power sword laying so close to the statuesque woman.

“Oh no, no, no, ‘Techpriest’.” She spit the word like it was a curse and began walking towards him. “You do not get off that easily. I am going to immediately speak to Sister Superior Maria and make sure you little cultists get assigned to our order.”

As Nisania pressed him against the wall with her body, Vyrius praised the Omnissiah for small miracles, like the fact that Nisania had still neglected to put on her clothes in the midst of all this and that he now stood directly eye level with her chest. She clutched the underside of his facemask and forced him to look her in the eyes and a warm smile spread across her face, offering a stark contrast to the icy chill that now dominated her eyes.

“There is no escape for you, Techpriest.”

With that she left Vyrius standing there and went to take a shower. Vyrius was just glad that during all the mayhem that was that morning, no one had noticed his servo skull hovering in the corner of the room, still recording. He hurried to retrieve it now that Nisania had presented him with a moment of privacy. He had just managed to stuff it into his robes when he heard a voice call to him from the bathroom door.

“You do find me irresistible, right? You weren’t just saying that, were you?”

“Oh, err, well, you see-” he turned around to see Nisania’s head poking out from the bathroom door, a pleading look in her eyes. The cornered Techpriest could only sigh, sounding like static. “…absolutely. Why else would I forsake my disgust of all things flesh if not for your beauty?”

Satisfied with his answer, Nisania giggled cheerily and withdrew once more to her shower. Vyrius slumped against the wall and slowly slid to the ground with another sigh. He extracted the servo skull from his robes, and switched off its record function. He was already exhausted, and morning had barely passed. He had probably just singlehandedly gotten his entire regiment implicated in whatever bloody, suicidal purge the Adepta Soritas was going to throw themselves at next all over a night of drinks taken too far and even worse, Kanisias was somehow involved in that night. And for what? A night he couldn’t remember with a Sister of Battle? A towering, Amazonian slab of muscle and fury, who moves with that righteous fervor only a zealot can, who even now was taking a shower not but a room away from him, all gleaming and chiseled like a well oiled Imperator, yet oh so very soft and yielding like a warm pillow…

He looked down at his robes. “Once more into the breach, eh, little buddy?”

Vyrius tore off his clothing and headed for the bathroom…

Chapter 2[edit]

“I cannot believe this! You do realize this is all your fault, right? We are both going to die because of you, Vyrius!”

Kanisias was furious. The Adeptus Mechanicus was only out on this grimy little station to refuel and resupply before they followed up rumors of an STC on the nearby planet of Stragis VII. Kan had allowed his so-called friend to talk him into a few drinks to pass the downtime and a few turned into many turned into way too many turned into enough to fell a Space Wolf if the remnants of their actions from last night were any indicator.

“I mean, seriously! This is quite literally the exact thing the Cult warns against!”

“I’m fairly certain that the Cult is kinda vague on the matters of bedding a Sororita.” Vyrius smirked. Or at least he would if he still had enough of a face left to smirk with.

“You gave into the weakness of your flesh! That is everything we stand against!” Kanisias fumed right back at him.

“It sounds to me as if someone is jealous.”

“How can I be jealous?! I was there!”

“Yeah, but you just sat there. And…watched. It was actually incredibly creepy.”

“I did n-wait, how do you know what happened last night?”

Vyrius patted his servo skull lovingly. “All knowledge is to be preserved, right?”

“You didn’t.”

“I did.”


“And what?”

“And why did I wake up chained to you in nary but the implants the Omnissiah blessed me with and naught but a power sword to keep our wires from crossing?!”

“Oh, that. Well apparently Nisania-”

“Nisania?” Kanisias arched an eyebrow.

Vyrius crossed his arms. “That’s her name, Kanny. You would have learned it for yourself if you didn’t run out of the room like a guardsman without a commissar.”

“Nevermind that, just get on with it.”

“Right. Well Nisania wanted to put on a, err, ‘show’ for us.”

“And what does that have to with being handcuffed?”

“She apparently thought it would be more interesting for all involved that way.”



“You do realize that your soul probably belongs to Slaanesh now, right?”

“But it was a Sister! It’s not heresy if it’s with the Daughters of the Emperor.”

“I’m not sure that’s how it works, Vyr.”

“I’m telling you, friend. None purer.”

“There was nothing pure about last night. You hear me? Nothing.”

“Well well have plenty of time to ask the Sororitas what their doctrines say about that sort of thing soon enough.”

“What are you saying, Vyrius?” Kanisias grabbed Vyrius by the front of his robes. “Please don’t say what I think you’re saying!”

Vyrius scratched the back his head and offered his hands up in an apologetic shrug. “The Adepta Sororitas has officially sanctioned the aid of the Adeptus Mechanicus in their efforts in the region.”

Kanisias groaned and buried his face in his palm. “And this doesn’t happen to have anything to do with last night’s little misadventure, does it?”

“They are directly related.” Vyrius beamed as much as his face would let him.

This was supposed to be an easy task. Just drop down on some backwater warphole and let the servitors dig through the muck for a few weeks and then return to the nearest Forge World with their findings, which would most likely be nothing. But now they had been Shanghaied into the service of the Adepta Sororitas thanks to the implacable appetites of Vyrius. Even now they were gearing up to aid the Orders Militant in their purge of some Chaos cult or Ork WAAAAGH or any other form of religious suicide those crazy women sought out so eagerly. Kanisias wondered how much pressure was put on Magos Rorkhan to force him to agree to this. He was broken from his reverie by a slap on his back.

“Cheer up Kanny! If things look bad, we can always defect.” He patted his servo skull once more. “I’m sure the footage in this little guy will fetch a pretty penny in the right market!”

Kanisias groaned anew “You will be the death of all of us, you hear me?”

“I would say you were overreacting again, but I think you might actually be right this time…”

“Why are we leaving so early? I thought we had another two days on this scrapheap.”

“What’s with all the tanks?”

“I can’t find my good robes!”

Just as Vyrius and Kanisias had returned, the Adeptus Mechanicus hangar bay was in absolute bedlam. Techpriests rushed to and fro, frantically trying to get their cruiser, the Might of Knowledge, ready for departure. It wasn’t until Magos Explorator Rorkhan’s voice boomed over the vox caster that some semblance of order was achieved.

“Calm down, everyone!” The magos boomed. “It is with utmost pride and overabundant joy that I am bound to inform that our most noble allies the Ecclesiarchy have called upon the Adeptus Mechanicus to aid them in their ongoing quest to keep humanity strong in the name of the Emperor.” Sarcasm dripped from every word. “The Adepta Sororitas have requisitioned our assistance with their efforts on the planet of Korlov IV.”

The hangar fell silent as all present digested the news. Finally, one techpriest spoke up.

“Did you tell them this is an Explorator vessel?”

“Yes” Rorkhan responded.

“Did you tell them we only have a handful of skiitari to our name?”


“Did you tell them that we had our own duties in this sector?”


“Then what the warp is this all about?!”

“Your guess is as good as mine. The Sister Superior was very insistent.” The emphasis on ‘very’ sent a shiver down Vyrius’ spine. “She refused to give me details as to why or even what we were doing. On the bright side, she did offer us her order’s might as repayment when it comes time to search for the Standard Template Construct on Stragis VII. Provided we are still alive by then.”

At this announcement, the techpriests returned to their duties, now brimming with subdued rage.

“So it’s a suicide mission. Great. Just great.”

“I’m too augmented to die!”

“‘Emperor protects’ my metal ass. That withered fool and his bolter bitches are going to get us all killed.”

Kanisias glared at Vyrius as they gathered their things for departure.

“I hope you’re happy, Vyr, this is all your fault.”

“Hey now, you were there too.”

“I just watched, remember?”

“Yeah, but you didn’t stop me. Besides, this isn’t ALL bad, you know.”

“Oh really? Tell me in which way this is whole mess is remotely good. Please, make it good.”

“Sisters love battle. It’s in their name. All we gotta do is keep our heads down, let them do their purge-y bit and or grind themselves to dust against impossible odds like those crazy zealots are wont to do and wait for the astartes to show up and do the same damn thing. And then, assuming either of us are still alive, they’ll come with us to Stragis VII, meaning more meatshields to hide behind.”

“It’s an archaeological expedition! We aren’t going to need meatshields!”

“Oh please, Kanny, when was the last time we uncovered some archeotech and it didn’t come with a free side of necrons, orks, cultists, or some other equally nasty thing that exists only to kill us? I’ll bet you a hundred thrones right here, right now that something goes horribly wrong on the expedition.”

“You're on. Not that it’ll matter when we’re all dead.”

Before Vyrius could respond, they had wandered into a fellow techpriest, one Angelkus Demonas, gossiping about the latest developments.

“Hey Kan, Vyr. You guys hear the news? Total grox shit, am I right?”

“Without a doubt. And you have Archos Magos Badtouchitus over here to thank for that.” Kanisias seethed, pointing a baleful dendrite at Vyrius.

“What does Vyrius have to do with the Adepta-you didn’t…”

“He did.” Kanisias affirmed.

“You didn’t!” She repeated, dumbfounded.

“I did.” Vyrius proudly confirmed.

“Did what?” Another techpriest joined in the conversation.

“A Sister of Battle.” Kanisias explained.

“A Sister of Battle?” he repeated curiously

“A Sister of Battle.” Vyrius once again confirmed just as proudly as before.

“I can see it.” the newcomer said with a shrug

“What?!” it was Kanisias’ turn to be dumbfounded.

“Sure. It’s all in the muscles. The appeal of solid, well built machine combined with the sensuous, supple taboo of the flesh. It’s the best of both worlds.”

“Thank you, Kraimos. At least someone gets it.” Vyrius proclaimed with an emphatic nod in Kraimos’ direction.

“I think you’re both crazy. Anyways, shouldn’t we be packing up to join up with the other crazies and their suicidal death march now?”

Agreeing with Angelkus, the quartet went their separate ways to put the final touches on preparing the Might of Knowledge for its premature exodus.

Chapter 3[edit]

Despite arriving at their destination of Korlov IV a few hours ago, the two orders’ ships had remained in orbit above the planet, the Canoness ordering the Might of Knowledge to stand by for further orders, continuing to keep the Cult Mechanicus in the dark about the operation they still didn’t want anything to do with. Magos Rorkhan had grown so tired of the constant games of misdirection that when the Sororitas shuttle docked with his cruiser and demanded a single and specific Enginseer outfitted with the best supplies he could muster, Rorkhan relented immediately without even bothering to attempt to seek why. He just wanted this whole affair to be over with as quickly and quietly as possible so that he could get back to following up those rumors about a Standard Template Construct. If it only cost him one techpriest to be rid of these overbearing Ecclesiarchy zealots, then he would consider himself truly blessed by the Omnissiah.

Vyrius, on the other hand, was much more invested in his fate. The shuttle ride over to the Adepta Sororitas vessel had been absolutely nerve wracking and the march down the corridors of the interior was that much worse, servo skull puttering after him and box of supplies rattling as he tried to keep up with the towering Sororita and their long strides. And now as he stood outside the personal chambers of the Sister Superior who had demanded his presence, what few guts he had left were wrenched in terror. This was it. This was how he was going to die. Torn apart by angry battle nuns for transgressions that weren’t entirely his fault in the first place. At least it wouldn’t be orks. Vyrius said a quick prayer to the Machine God for good luck and, taking note of the increasingly angry scowls on the faces of his escorts, Vyrius decided to take his chances with the Superior and sallied forth.

Vyrius had been expecting some ornate chamber resembling something more akin to a shrine more than an office, but what greeted Vyrius was the exact opposite. Besides the odd paper or dataslate strewn here or there, the room was bare and quaint, with little more than a desk and a bed to it. Much to Vyrius’ dismay, this only served to enhance the menacing visage of Sister Superior Maria. As frightening as the Sisters were to him, their Sister Superior was that much more so. She wore simple, unassuming robes that put Vyrius’ own to shame in their plainness yet he could still sense the strength emanating from behind her modest clothing, a strength displayed openly on her face. Her face, marked with a number of scars from countless battles, the most prominent of which was a particularly nasty number that started just under her right eye and climbed down to the middle of her chin, clipping a nostril and her lips along the way. Said lips were currently pulled into a slight smile that was probably meant to be disarming but only served to make her all the more terrifying, an effect enhanced by the cold, calculating eyes of a veteran tactician that were currently sizing him up.

“Ah, Vyrius, was it? Come, take a seat. We have -much- to discuss, you and I.”

The techpriest was no stranger to trouble; never any of this severity, sure, but this general situation nothing new to him. He immediately began wracking his brain for a suitable excuse, with justifications and denials of old bubbling up into the fore.

“Yes, Magos, I understand that servitors are not to be ridden, but I WAS the first one here.”

“No, Magos, I did not implant Kanisias’ hands with electoo circuits, why ever do you ask?”

“Of course those weren’t my red robes that got mixed in with the whites. Though you have to admit, pink does look quite fetching on you.”

Unfortunately, Vyrius couldn’t see any way to talk his way out of this one, so he resigned his fate to the Machine God and took the seat without a word.

“So you are the one who has made my favorite charge so distraught.” Favorite? Well there’s no way this could end badly. “She had quite a bit to say about you, techpriest.”

Vyrius fidgeted with the box of supplies resting in his lap. “And I take it none of it was flattering?”

“Well I suppose that depends entirely on what one is flattered by.” Her flat tone and those cold, cold eyes of hers refused to give Vyrius any insight into what Maria meant by that.

“And what…exactly did she, erm, tell you about, well…”

Her faint smile stretched a little wider “Oh, she told me…enough.” She toyed with the last word like a cat with its prey and let it draw out “Enough to make this little exchange between you and I occur. You have -no- idea what I had to do to convince the Canoness to go through with this.”

Vyrius squirmed visibly in his seat. He could see no way out of this. Even if he did try to plead his case, she would no doubt take Nisania’s word over his own. Maybe if he ordered his servo skull to distract Maria, he could make a break for it and get to a shuttle before the other Sisters knew what he was up to. Sure, they would probably just destroy his ship once they realized what just happened and even if they didn’t his life would be one of misery and paranoia, but surely it would be better than whatever devious punishment that Sister Superior had planned for him, right?

“Of course, if you wanted to tell me more…”

If Vyrius still had a jaw, it would have dropped. “E-Excuse me?”

“Nisania was dreadfully scant in her description of your…” Maria leaned forward and stroked one of the cables protruding from Vyrius’ face. “Exchange of doctrines. I would be oh so grateful to learn what my little Nisa has gotten up to…”

“I…wait, what?! Your Nisa?”

Maria leaned even closer, her face so terribly close to Vyrius’ he could feel her breath against his facemask. “My dear techpriest, who do you think taught her how to use those handcuffs?”

“Oh Omnissiah, she told you about the handcuffs?”

“Of course she told me about the handcuffs. I’m her Sister Superior and she’s my little Nisa. Now why don’t you make things easier on yourself and just tell me what I want to know.”

On one hand, it would no doubt make the next few days of Vyrius’ life much easier if he just relented to the obsessive Sororita, but on the other hand, he knew just what a bad idea it was to piss of Nisania. He also felt the slightest pang of guilt at the thought. He may not have been quite as responsible for that eternally troublesome as Nisania no doubt made him out to be, but he wasn’t entirely innocent either. If it was something Nisania didn’t want Maria, Vyrius felt that it wasn’t his place to tell her either.

“I fail to see what I can tell you, Sister Superior.” Vyrius stated with a fake apologetic shrug “Anything I say will be discounted as the words of a desperate borderline heretic trying to smear the good name of one of your own to save his own skin.”

Maria glowered at him and returned to her seat, resuming the former emotionless mask. “Very well then, we’ll play it your way. Be on your way, then, there is much work to be done and little time to do it. Sister Isha will show you the way.”

Once again down the corridors the hapless techpriest marched, following who he surmised was Sister Isha. Perhaps this was hypocritical coming from a member of the Adeptus Mechanicus, but Vyrius had trouble telling one Sister apart from the other. He had tried using their various battle scars as identifiers, but even those began to all meld together into the sea of scowling, muscular warrior women with hair that was cut short and dyed white. He thanked the Omnisssiah for the few that didn’t dye their hair for whatever obtuse reasons the Adepta Sororitas did anything, though he was disappointed to find out so many had that tattoo under their eye, for he was kind of hoping to use it to identify Nisania was. Vyrius took note of all the scowls directed at him from any Sisters he and his escort happened to pass. There has always been tension between the Adeptus Mechanicus and the Adepta Sororitas on account of the former only distantly worshiping the Emperor that the latter adored with such fierce fervor, but surely his mere presence wasn’t this deserving of hate. Were these regular hateful glares or hateful glares specifically for him? Did they know? Now way they would…they did, didn’t they? No, of course not! Nisania wouldn’t dare tell them…like she did with Maria. What if they all had similar intimacies with each other? Oh Omnissiah. Trying to take his mind off his fate and all those angry faces that he felt would burn him alive with their gaze before their flamers ever got the chance to, Vyrius tried to probe Isha for information.

“So where are we headed anyways?”

Isha rolled her eyes. “Did the Sister Superior not inform you?”

“She was a bit…preoccupied with other matters at the time.”

“Well why don’t you use that disgustingly mutilated brain of yours and guess what possible reason the Adepta Sororitas would force themselves to tolerate one of your kind for, techpriest.” Vyrius didn’t think he had ever heard one of the Sisters say his title without it sounding like a insult. This time was no exception.

“I suppose it would be too much to ask for it to involve us going on a quest to seek out the one Sister in this entire ship who doesn’t want to rip off my head and use my blood as lipstick.”

“Please do tell me if you find so that we may execute her for heresy.”

“Or at least some alcohol. I could use something to drink after all this.”

“But of course! I shall assemble a feast! A grand celebratory banquet dedicated to you and you alone! There will be food, drinks, and women beyond your imagination! All to commemorate how little faith you have in the Emperor!”

“I know you’re being sarcastic and all, but is there any way we can skip to that part? That sounds all sorts of splendid.”

Isha let out an exasperated sigh. “We are headed to the vehicle bay. We have need of you and your ilk’s talents.”

“Well why didn’t you say so? I bet you whatever it is I could have fixed it before we even set out on this little voyage.”

“We shall see, techpriest.”

This news cheered Vyrius up considerably. He knew machines. Machines were easy. They didn’t try to kill you every time you so much as looked at them. Usually. It took a lot more to invoke the wrath of a machine spirit than it did a Sister of Battle, at least. He liked those odds. All he would have to do is patch up a few rhinos and then head on back to the Might of Knowledge, alive and theoretically in one piece. So lost was he in his thoughts of good tidings that he failed to notice when they arrived at their destination. After recovering from bumping into a very annoyed Isha, he almost dropped his box of supplies in surprise when he finally saw it.


An Exorcist. A relic from the Age of Apostasy. An ornate and powerful tank, covered in sculpting and its trademark Exorcist launchers shaped like organ pipes. This was something he never even bothered to dream about even looking at, let alone working on one. Alone. It was too much to comprehend, even with his augmented mental capacity.

“Weren’t you people were trying to torture me or something?”

“Just get over there and fix it already. I grow tired of listening to you babble.” Vyrius decided to actually do as he was told just this once, for an Exorcist was awaiting him, yearning for his touch. This had just gone from the one of the worst days of his life to easily the very best. And then it was back down to one of the worst again.

At least he didn’t have to worry about discerning Nisania from the crowd, as there was no way anyone else could match the intensity of the Sister who was now approaching him with determined strides, the look on her face somewhere between the predatory gaze of a Dark Eldar who just caught its prey and the enraged stare of an Ork Warboss who just got called a lanky grot.

“Well look who finally decided to show what’s left of his face. Took you long enough to get here, defiler.”

“Nice to see you too, Nisania. You see, that’s how civilized people greet each other. Now you give it a try.”

Nisania grabbed him by the scruff of his robe and ushered Vyrius into the interior of the Exorcist. “Just get in there and do your job you borderline heretic.”

“Need I remind you that you are the one who brought me here? I was more than willing to leave it at a one night thing.” Vyrius rebuked, rubbing his neck.

“And let you off the hook for your transgressions?” Nisania scoffed, “No, you and I will see much of each other in the coming days.”

“Delightful.” Vyrius deadpanned “Well can you at least tell me what’s wrong with this lovely piece of armor?”

“Isn’t that your job?” the Battle Sister strode over to the driver’s console and began striking it “The. Damned. Thing. Just. Won’t. Work!” She enunciated each word with a pound of her fist.

Vyrius leaped between Nissania and her inanimate victim. “Whoa whoa whoa! You can’t just go hitting a tank! Especially not an Exorcist! Do you WANT to anger its machine spirit and get us all killed?”

“What are you on about now, cultist?”

“Tell me, have you tried lighting any incense?”


“Anointed the device with holy unguents?”


“Recited at least one Rite to the machine?”

“Of course not.”

“And you wonder why the Exorcist won’t work for you. Poor thing must have been so neglected…”

“I don’t get it. It’s just a machine.”

Vyrius let out a sigh which sounded more like a burst of static and stroked the tank where Nissania had previously been assaulting it. “Don’t you worry” he cooed to it, “I’ll make sure the big scary Sororitas don’t hurt you anymore. That’s right, I’m a man of science and I’m here to protect you. Now where did I leave my holy unguents…”

Nisania just eyed him in silence, arms crossed and eyebrow arched.

“You see, Nisania, a machine is much like a woman. If you light some incense, break out the oils, treat her gently and say all the right words, she’ll do whatever you want.”

“Gentle my still sore ass! You know nothing of the sort!” She laughed as much in mirth as in derision, “Though you do know your way around those oils…”

“Oh?” Vyrius queried, never turning away from his work, “Maybe I should ask your Sister Superior for tips, she seems to–”

Vyrius never got to finish his little teasing jest, for he was overtaken by vertigo as a hand grabbed one of his mechadendrites and hoisted him off the ground with it, bringing him face to face with a red-faced Nisania.

“How do you know about Maria and–”

“She told me!”

“She did?!”

“Well, it was implied, at least!”

Suddenly, Nisania’s eyes went wide with shock “Emperor preserve me! Y-You didn’t tell her anything about…us, did you?” Before he could respond, Nisania gave him a few frantic shakes. “Did you?!”

“No! Sweet Omnissiah no! I didn’t tell her anything!”

Her face softened and her grip slackened “Y-You didn’t?”

“No! Just…don’t tear my arms off and beat me to death with them for feths sake! And maybe put me back down if you are done threatening my life for now.”

“Right! Sorry!” The distraught Sister unceremoniously dropped the equally distraught techpriest to the floor. With a deep breath and brushing off of his robes, Vyrius got back to work, muttering something about “Crazy fething bolter bitches and their stupid sexy muscles.” as he stretched his dendrites back into position.

“Machine God be praised, my work here is done.” Vyrius dusted his hands off and began to gather his things as the Exorcist rumbled to life.

“I don’t believe it!” Nisania gasped. “You fixed it!”

“What can I say, I've got the tou-mmf!” The rest of his statement was lost in the muffling embrace he now found himself caught in.

“You fixed it! Truly the Emperor walks with us today!

“Yes, yes, clearly it was all his doing and I was just standing around twiddling my thumbs until he showed up.” Vyrius manage to extricate himself from Nisania enough to say “Now if you could show me the quickest way back to my shuttle…”

Nisania placed him back on the ground and locked eyes with him. “Leave? Didn’t I tell you that you couldn’t get away from me that easily? You're not done here yet, Vyrius. Sister Superior Maria and her charges have been chosen to personally investigate the claims of heresy on Korlov and determine whether or not it warrants a purge. We wanted to bring the Exorcist with us as a symbol of the Emperor’s might, but it was malfunctioning. Thanks to you, however, we can deploy it with pride!”

“And I take it you want me to go with to ensure its continued operation?”


“And I take it I have no say in the matter?”

“Not one!”

Vyrius static-ed out another sigh. “Well it’s not like I had anything better planned. Let’s get this over with already.”

Nisania giggled at the luckless techpriest as he trudged out of the Exorcist and followed after him, deciding he would need a guide if they were going to be ready in time for departure.