Heretical Love

From 1d4chan
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"In the grim darkness of the future, there is only war… and sweet xeno love."

A quest thread on /tg/ started by the user Papa-N !!z0ABcqUnNAP, it concerns the last Guardsman left on the planet of Yagis V.

Introducing Maximus Decarus, Pimp of the Imperium.

Oh yes, it's that kind of quest thread. Cut, organised and ribbed for extra reading pleasure.

Exploits so far have included (but are not limited to) fighting a fish-god, besting Doomrider in a motorcycle joust, charging Abaddon the Despoiler with a knife, being killed by (and then subsequently sleeping with) a group of Daemonettes, soloing a Defiler and surfing the chaos of the warp with the Big E himself. And by surfing we mean literally. literally surfing, with an actual surfboard.

Papa-N has also become (in)famous for trolling his public with alternate story endings, or bizarre tangents, and Brazilian laughter. These are listed at the bottom, or bracketed out of the main text. They are extra heretical. You have been warned.

PROMOTIONS-small.pngThis article contains PROMOTIONS! Don't say we didn't warn you.


Thread 1: IT'S HERESY TIME[edit]

You are high lord Inquisitor Maximus Decarus, feared by xeno/alien alike. You leave fried Orks and charred Eldar in the wake of your fleet’s exterminatus as you sail about the stars in the Emperors name.

Haha, just kidding, you are Max Decarus, lowly trooper in the Emprah’s imperial guard. Orks don’t seem to notice your lasgun and the last Eldar you saw wiped out half of your squad and insulted your mother. You were just a boot when your landing ship touched down on Yagis V, and you have quickly ascended nothing in rank by your heroic deeds of fleeing and being lucky enough to stay out of the Commisar’s sights.

Today… Today isn’t much different.

You feebly fire your glorified laser pointer in the general direction of a horde of charging Orks, you don’t need to aim, you would have to try to miss. It’s not like hitting them does much anyways.

A Monolith appears suddenly to your left, just warped on in. From where is anyone’s guess. “Thank the Empruh, spess muhreens!” You hear a guardsman cry out, voice mystified with adoration. Sure enough, six of the Emprah’s finest waltz up behind your position, sizing up the Monolith. “FOR THA EMPROOOOAAAARRRR!!!” They howl simultaneously as they bound over the low barricade protecting you from shootah fire. The space marines charge out, waving chainswords menacingly and looking fierce. The Monolith doesn’t even move as gauss fire obliterates every last Astartes. Welp…

You have to believe the stories of the space marines are if nothing else, highly exaggerated. This is the second time you’ve seen those blue suited bastards scream litanies and charge to their doom. The first time at a Chaos Titan of all things…

“We are so fucked.” You groan as Chaos Daemons start warping in between you and the Orks. At least they have nice tits… Purple and attached to warp beasts who would enjoy little more than ripping you apart. But still, you didn’t know Daemonettes were stacked. A Fire Prism from out of nowhere busies itself with hammering away at your squad, as quite obviously you are the real threat here. You, huddling low and shaking in your “armor”. Some Fire Warriors show up and start blasting away as well, sure why the fuck not, one giant “kill some guardsmen” party… Hours later you somehow pull yourself from under a pile of rubble and Orks, seeing no one around. There is a Vox nearby, and you give it a try. “Guys?” you ask quietly. Up in the dark sky you see the Imperial Cruiser you arrived in snap in half as an Ork ship just rams on through it. “…Guys?” “…” No response, just static. All of this because this planet was home to a power fist that for whatever reason the machine cult had been worshiping for millennia… Well at least the Armory is nearby, so you scrounge for some equipment.

You find an unused Commissar uniform. Some call me the Commissar of Love. *BLAM* HERESY!!
The hat is probably the coolest thing ever, the sword and pistol are both pretty sweet, but this fucking hat, seriously. You are too busy flexing and posing in a mirror to notice a servo skull float up behind you. The skull beeps and you whirl around, flailing your new sword and busting a cap as you pop off rounds. Wu Tang Clan ain’t nuthin to fuck wit. “Oh, it’s just you…” You are glad no one was around to see you.

The skull scans you and must think you really are a Commissar because it starts playing a message. You listen intently as it lays out tactical data for all the Xenos here. Interesting. A nearby Vox rattles out a quick message, identifying itself as a sister of battle. The Mechanicus command is nearby as well. Well there isn’t much else to do, may as well check out some of these leads. Who knows, maybe you can find some help or even a way off this rock… Or get your knob slobbed, it could happen.

Many Guardsmen mistakenly believe that the Sisters of Battle are allies that can be trusted entirely. What they fail to realize is that often times a Sister is just as likely to roast you for even a whiff of heresy as they are to help you. They also have a VERY broad and often convoluted definition of heresy. For this reason, you approach the rhino transport with utmost caution. True, you did track the broadcast to this vehicle, but you don’t trust a Sororita unless she is far separated from the nearest incineration device. You clear your throat and knock on the rear hatch of the transport.

“Sister of Battle, this is Commissar Decarus, are you in there?” A jet of fire almost engulfs you, missing by nigh more than a foot. You dive out of the way as another firing port opens right in front of your face. The ramp drops with a thud and a Sororita comes screaming out, chainsword roaring and fire bursting all around her. Only after several moments does she slow to a stop, gazing around hawkishly, as her flamer dies down. “Am I still alive?” You ask, having ducked and covered as you had learned to do. Her eyes snap to you and you feel them burning as hot as her flamer, as though boring into your very being. You know she is eying you for any glimpse of heresy, you pray she doesn’t pick up on any. If she does, you might be lucky enough to garner a quick death via chainsword rather than a drawn out burning ordeal. Though likely not.

“Die heretic!” “No, fuck you, you crazy bolter bitch, I’m not a heretiiicccccc!!!” You howl as you dodge yet another slash of her chainsword. She’s fast, too fast, and in her armor far stronger than you are. The sword comes back around just after you dodged, you don’t have time to avoid it this time. You throw up your hands in some kind of pitiful defense. The roaring implement of demise slashes down toward you, is this it? Is this how you end up? Cut to pieces on some xeno world by a cute but slightly crazy “ally”?

An instant before the chainsword crashes home into your soft, fleshy frame, a blinding golden light flashes. The chainsword flies out of the Sororita’s hand and lands in the dirt yards away. She blinks at you, clearly in shock. “It must be a sign…” She whispers, and she kneels in quick prayer. You get up off the ground and dust off your hat. You aren’t sure what happened, but if it hadn’t you would be dead. In the flash of light, you swear you glimpsed a golden pauldron of some kind. But that isn’t possible, your must have just been seeing things.

You squirm a bit under her gaze, which doesn’t let up as her face draws ever closer… “Hmph, something saved you today, the Emprah must be watching over you. Still, I can’t ignore such an obvious sign.” She sets down her weapons and takes a seat on a piece of rubble, sighing as she does so.

You can’t help but notice, even for a Sororita, she is really damn cute. She sports a shorter cut of the Sister’s standard white hair, though with the addition of a small purity seal hair pin. Her face is smooth, and she sports a small inquisitorial tattoo under her left eye, which is blue. You notice her right eye, in comparison, is green. Admittedly however, you have a hard time concentrating on any of these details. After all, you’ve never been this close to a Sororita, especially one with such massive sweater squiggies, who also tried to kill you. Emprah be praised, sometimes this grim and dark universe offers a brief reprieve of bliss. Though the grimdark of the fact you almost got flayed still has you pretty shaken up.

“S-s-s-so, w-w-w-what are you doing here?” Your voice is shaky, must be the adrenaline. You sit down and put your hat on your lap to cover up your massive erection, must be the adrenaline, maybe. She looks you over again before answering, the steel in her eyes still very apparent. She doesn’t trust you, and you can’t exactly blame her. Golden flashes of light and all. “I got separated from my sisters when the Chaos Marines hit our position, the defiler they brought with them overwhelmed our zeal, we clearly were not faithful enough.” She looks at her hands dejectedly, as though disgusted with herself.

“Do you have any idea what in the name of the Emprah is happening here? I mean, how many of our forces are left, how screwed are we?” You ask, placing the hat back on your head. She looks back at you and shrugs. “You probably know most of it. Our troops are scattered at best, the guard is more or less wiped out, and the space marines… well…” she trails off, looking annoyed. “Did they charge another Titan and or Monolith?” “A Knarloc…” She says through her single facepalm.

Your foot feels itchy and restless, you rub at it through your boot absent mindedly. “So what your trying to tell me, is we are pretty screwed?” She shrugs in her armor, lowering her hands. “The guard and Astartes perhaps, but I know my Sisters are alive and bolstering their strength, I just know it!” She suddenly looks hopeful, the fire back in her eyes. It’s not like you have much going on anyway. “Want me to help you find them, your sisters I mean? I’m sure they are just fine.” She stands up and walks over to you, placing one of her gauntleted hands on your shoulder. “I’m glad to hear it, I’ll accept your help Commissar.” She beams at you before slowly looking away, averting her eyes. You notice she is blushing a bit as she rubs her lip with a finger. “…and I’m sorry I tried to purge you.” You barely hear this. Your heart is pounding in your ears being this close to her. You might need to move your hat again, damn adrenaline. She suddenly spins around and pumps a fist. “All right, let us venture forth and find my Sisters!” The sudden change snaps you out of your dreamy state.

“Huzzzzah!” you yell as you drive your boot into her backside She yelps in surprise and spins around, glaring at you, teeth bared in rage. “That’s for trying to flay me without even having a POSSIBLE REASON as to why I was somehow a heretic.” You shout at her. Her temper briefly flares but suddenly subsides and she nods. “I’ve rightly earned that, perhaps my zeal was… ah… too hot this day.” “Damn right it was…” You mutter as you cross your arms. “Anyways, where exactly are we headed?” You ask. She looks at you quizzically. “I thought perhaps you knew, Commissar. As the Emperor’s hand seems to rest on your shoulder this day.” You don’t say anything, it’s evident neither of you have any idea where to go.

""Grab my hand and spin with me sister!" You yell, outstretching your hand toward her. "Wh-what?" She asks, taking a step back and perhaps re-evaluating your level of heresy. You dive in and snatch her hand, pulling her in close to you. Your eyes meet and in that moment of primordial passion you begin to spin. Faster and faster you go, where you'll wind up nobody knows.

"TO THE SKIES!" You bellow suddenly, stopping the spin. "Huh?" The surprised Sororita gasps. You pull her to a nearby Valkyrie, and together you clamor inside. "Do you uh... Know how to drive one of these?" You stop pushing buttons and flipping switches to look over at her for a moment. "No I do not, and knowing is half the battle." With a lurch the Valkyrie lifts off and jets away, as you cruise about the skies with impunity. "WERE GOING DOWNNNNN!" The sister bellows, grabbing for something to brace the impact. The craft slams into the pavement hard, and suddenly breaks through the ground below...

"Are we dead?" The Sororita asks, rubbing her head. You feel around, you don't think you are. "That would be my ASS Commissar..."

Meanwhile, in the legion of doom...

"Lord Abbadon, we have completed the final preparations, we are prepared to use THAT."

Abbadon, the embodiment of Chaos, almost allows himself to crack a smile. Soon this world w...

A loud crash is heard overhead and Abbadon gazes up to see what caused the ruckus. A second later, the cockpit of a Valkyrie sinks down into view. Inside, a Commissar and a Sororita...

"I was just looking for the instrument panel..." You lie, not sure what drove you to try to cop a feel over power armor. The Valkyrie sinks into the dirt and suddenly drops down into a cave below. And Abbadon the Despoiler is staring you in the face.

"Oh Emprah, THRUSTERS TO MAXIMUM! LET FLY ALL GUNS" You punch the controls and slam every button you can reach. The Valkyrie's engines roar and the frontal guns and missiles erupt to life. Or they would if the power wasn't dead. Abbadon's companion rips open the cockpit of the ship, as Abbadon himself has no arms, and wrenches you out, holding you in his power claw. This is probably the end for you. The Sororita is snatched up by two other Chaos Marines in Terminator armor. This really, really doesn't look good. Still, there's nothing like a good blaster at your side kid.

The Chaos Marines are too busy cackling madly to notice you slipping your laspistol out of its holster. "Its Blamming time!" Your first shot hits the one holding you under the jaw, and at point blank range there is nothing to save him. The power claw goes slack and he drops you to the ground as his corpse falls backwards. With excellent accuracy you headshot one of the Terminators holding your Sororita friend, and he fudges his save and dies because fuck him. The other one drops the sisters arm and runs. "Nooooo, noooooo!!! Seize them! Seize theemmmmm!!!" Abbadon howls after you as you grab the Sororita's arm and break into a run.

"Abbadon, your reign of heresy ends TODAY!" You draw your sword and ready yourself, steeling your nerves for what you are about to do. Wait are you about to attack fucking Abbadon THE DESPOILER? Too late, your legs are already moving, propelling you at full force right at the embodiment of heresy. "Commissar no!" You hear the Sororita call out from behind you. This attack could well decide the fate of the Imperium as man as you know it.

You swing with all your might, but it only slams into the side of Abbadon's exposed head and doesn't penetrate more than a millimeter. He reels backwards and trips over his foot, crashing onto his back. You thought about finishing him off until a horde of Chaos Marines come charging from a passage in the cave. "Time to go!" You yell as you grab the Sororita and throw her over your shoulder. Holy fuck she is heavy, that power armor weighs a ton. Still, you can't be a little bitch right now. You toss her into the passenger seat of the Valkyrie and jump in yourself. Furiously you smash and kick and scream at the controls. The Chaos Marines are close enough to start shooting now, and they do. Bolter rounds slam into the hull of the vehicle all around you. "By the Empruh you will start this day!" You scream as you shoot the instrument panel. The machine spirit reluctantly gives and the craft shudders to life. Wasting no time you throw it in R and hit max throttle.

"I'll get you next time Commissar! NEXT TIME!!!!" Abbadon howls at you, shaking his fist in rage, if he had one. With a terrible screech the craft throws itself backwards out of the hole and soars ass-first into the sky. While its true you did manage to put this punk machine spirit in its place, it is also true that you still don't know how to fly this damn thing. Worse yet, the engines are losing power and the control panel is flashing on and off. This bird is going down, the question is, where?

"Hey, since we might die when you try to land this thing, whats your name?" The Sororita looks over to you and asks. You look away from the instrument panel momentarily. "Its Max, not sure why you want to know a silly thing like that." She looks away. "Max..." She says softly. "And how about you, what can I call you?" Her gaze snaps back to you. "Lycheria. Sister Lycheria." The left engine flames out, looks like this is going to be another hard landing.

The roof of the manufactorum is underneath you, and though it is quite an impressively large structure, you do question your own landing skills. The Valkyrie shudders and bucks as its last remaining engine struggles to keep the craft stable. Wind whips though the now exposed cockpit. "Hey!" The Sororita yells over the din. "If this is the end for us, I just wanted to let you know, I was glad to meet you Max." She finishes with a small smile. The sight give you a bit of confidence, but still, the task before you is daunting. "Here goes nothing right?" You grip the controls hard. The ship is coming in to hot, but there is little more you can do than try to hold her steady, hope the roof holds, and hope you don't go skidding off of it and crash into the ground far below the building.

With some kind of deft skill you must have latently been concealing up until this point, you actually manage to set the Valkyrie down fairly lightly for a flaming hunk of fire and hate. When the craft finally skids to a stop and the painful screaming subsides, you open your eyes. “Do stop screaming will you…” Lycheria asks, looking at you dubiously. You lay back in your seat and wipe the sweat off your face. Yesterday you were stealing extra rations from the barracks, today you’ve fought off one of the Imperium’s greatest foes, landed a ship you didn’t know how to fly, and actually lived to tell the tale. Lycheria gets up and stretches, her curvy frame filling up your view against a backdrop of sky. “What’s the matter?” She tilts her head back to look at you playfully. “Carnifex got your tongue?” You smile, but your vision is getting hazy. You try to get up and find that you can’t. Looking down, you see why. A piece of shrapnel from the shredded canopy has annoyingly lodged itself in your chest. Blood drips down from the wound. Lycheria’s face goes white-er, as she notices the wound. She rushes over to you quickly and pulls apart your clothing to get a better look at the wound. “Its… Its serious, but nothing you can’t survive.” She pulls you to your feet. “We’re going to go find you some help, get you patched up. By the Emperor’s holy codpiece you had better not die on me.” As she pulls you up, the shrapnel falls out of the wound. What looked like a piercing blow by a large shard is little more than a flesh wound. Both of you stop dead. Until Lycheria smacks you across the head.

“You bastard! I was actually worried about you there!” She screams frantically. And before you know it, her lips are pressed to yours. They are disarmingly soft, you don’t know why you had always assumed a Sororita’s outside would be tough, but it isn’t. The feeling is blissful, and you don’t want it to end. “Sorry, but I think I do have a concussion…” You mumble. “Well we will just have to get that treated, but you should be fine in the meantime. I’ll bandage up your wound though.” Lycheria grabs the medkit out of the husk of the Valkyrie and pops it open.

She tries unsuccessfully to open some packages and then sighs. “Power armor, good for many things, detail work not being one.” Her armor disengages itself and she begins to remove it. You’ve never seen a Sister or Astartes remove their armor, it’s pretty interesting. Especially the part where her breastplate falls forward and her tits bounce from the release, though still hidden in a tight sports bra. (+1 as needed to contain tits of this magnitude.) She suddenly notices your eyes, and possibly the strand of drool leading to quite a puddle on the roof. “Like what you see, Commissar?” You're taken aback by the question. If you say yes, will she kill you or unlock full dere mode? Fucking women how do they work?

“…And if perhaps, I do?” You inquire. She picks you up by your collar and pulls you close, you can feel her hot breath on your face. “Then, Max, you had better be willing to see it through to the end.” Her lips meet yours again, a reunion that sets the sky alight with color and causes strange xeno birds to sing their song of triumph. Her breasts, though caged in her tight clothing and begging to be set free, smoosh themselves into your chest. Heaven, this is HEAVEN. The Emperor himself bro-fists you from the golden throne. “Sister Lycheria, is that you?” A voice calls out from the side of the building. Lycheria lets you go and whirls around. “Sister Candis, is that you!?” She cries out joyfully. “Indeed it is, come over here and we will get you off the roof.” The other sister yells back. Your first chance at some sweet warrior-girl-from-space action and you get cockblocked. HARD. Go figure...

Thread 2: EXTRA HERESY[edit]

Commissars Log. Planet: Yagis V. Date: Unknown

The Sister Candice has proven to be a powerful foe indeed. It is likely her cockblocking skills are the most feared in the entire sector, and perhaps beyond. The Sororitas and I explored the manafactorium I so skillfully landed that wretched craft on. Inside can only be described as Glorious. An Imperial thong production plant, until this point I had only heard whispers and rumors of their existence, or read tidbits of information in tomes millennia old. The Sisters took the chance to change into some new undergarments, fresh off the line. Unfortunately I was apprehended in my Emperor-sanctioned quest to peek, and nearly lost my life to the hail of bolter and flamer fire that followed. Still, I did manage to catch a brief glimpse of perfection. Dat ass. Worse yet than being caught perhaps, Abbadon somehow obtained my personal communicator frequency. He has been spamming my textual box with death threats and pictures of… Terrible, terrible things of the most damaging kind. He is kind of a dick. My devoted follower Lycheria beckons for me. Commissar out.

“Hey Max, we are going to head to our personal ship. The Sisters were debating on whether or not to bring you along, and decided not to after your little… Ah… Stunt.” Lycheria looks disappointed, though not at you. “So that’s it, then?” You ask, not thrilled about being left behind. Nor about being separated from the crazy but cute bolter bitch. “For now, but I know the Emperor will bring us back together again. Here, have my personal channel, you can call or message me any time.” She slips a piece of paper into your pocket before looking around slyly. Seeing no one watching, she plants another kiss before turning to follower her Sisters. You watch sadly as she walks away, until she turns back one last time to shout at you with a smile. “If you don’t call me, I’LL BURN YOU ALIVE!” Well, time to figure out what to do.

Well with your party disbanded leaving you with but a single mana potion, you don’t really know what to do. Pretty much every xeno here would just as soon kill than perhaps eat you before you could even get a word in edgewise. You've never met an Eldar before, not that you really make a habit of meeting xenos for smalltalk, what with it being heresy and all. Still, if you had to pick, the Eldar seem perhaps the least likely to disembowel you for either fun or sacrifice to an ancient god. At least you think so, you admit you skimmed (see tldr) the Eldar chapters of your training manual.

With (though perhaps misplaced) optimism, you set out in search of those tall spindly xenos. Although thinking back, you swear the Farseer you saw stood at least a foot and a half shorter than the other Eldar around her. The journey is long and arduous on foot, wind threatens to take the hat right off your head. You can’t let that happen. Compounding the suck is the fact that you literally have nothing to eat and haven’t eaten anything since the last ration you had with your guardbros. Your stomach howls at you with the fury of the warp and the ‘nid swarm rolled into one. You scan everywhere, looking for something, ANYTHING to devour. Your heart sinks as you abandon all hope, Vagis V must be devoid of food. That is, until, you catch the scent of something that smells absolutely, decadently, delicious. Ravenous now, you pick up your pace as you follow your nose. A strangely colored bird with a massive beak darts around overhead. The sight of a fire a hundred yards away stops you dead in your tracks. You know better than to just rush in, you don’t have many friends left on this planet. Stalking now, you draw ever closer until you take cover behind a small pile of rock and peek out. Sitting in the clearing, roasting some kind of small animal carcass on the fire, is the Farseer you saw yesterday.

You remain silent as you sit and watch. The Farseer doesn’t seem to notice you as she checks on her food. A roasting animal shouldn’t smell this good. It isn’t just your hunger either, something is up. Heresy, it must be heresy. Or psychers, fuck you don’t know. She must think her food is ready, because she takes the spit off of the fire to let the meat cool. Slowly she looks around and you hide to avoid her gaze. Fairly certain she is safe, the Farseer lifts off her helmet and shakes out her hair. Beautiful, silky red hair. It’s long, long enough to reach down to her ass, and it looks thick even from here. She’s cute. You didn’t know Eldar could be cute. Though really, you didn’t know what Eldar looked like without their helmets on. You had always assumed terrible soulless eyes and a gaping maw filled with teeth and two ever-moving mandibles. The Farseer cautiously takes a bite of the roast and her face lights up. It must taste good. By the Emprah, you want some of that food… You watch as she rips off chunk after chunk with her teeth. Not a very ladylike way to eat, but you would look like a barbarian in comparison at the moment. Instantly and suddenly her eyes snap to you, as if she just knew you were there. With a startled cry she drops her meal and grabs her spear, bringing it to bear right at you. Before you can shout out anything, the rocks in front of you explode away, knocking you backwards. The Farseer runs at you, clearly intent on running you through. You manage to dodge just in time, but she’s coming around for another go. It doesn’t seem she has any intention of talking with you.

You draw your sword and turn to face her, swinging your weapon around in skillful arcs. She pauses at the sight, you must have dazzled her with your awesomeness. “NOPE, fuck this.” You yell as you swing the sword down like a golf club and slash up a blast of sand. It hits her in the eyes and she curses, at least you think so. You break into a dead run, pumping furiously. Looking back, you see she is hot on your tail, despite clawing at her eyes. Now you should be able to outrun someone shorter than you. After all, being in the guard you are In pretty damn good shape. Why then, is she gaining on you? “Fucking sorcery!” You yell as a flying kick catches you in the back, knocking you face-first into the sand. You knew you should have tried to fight, as you feel the tip of the spear press into your back. It’s all over now… But a quiet rumble in the distance causes you both to pause and look up. Whatever it is, its getting closer, and fast. Through the haze you manage to make out that it’s a lone figure on a motorcycle. And his head is on fire.

Wait… Is that fucking Doomrider? You remember the myths and stories as a lad growing up. Doomrider, bane of man, devourer of cocaine. This is probably not a safe place to be, what laying right in his path and all. Fuck it, you will take your chances with the Farseer. You roll to your left, out from under the spear, and jump to your feet. You grab the Eldar’s hand and pull her. “Run, bitch, RUN!!!” You shout as you break into a dead sprint, pushing yourself as hard as you can. She doesn’t seem to understand why or to where she is running, but she is smart enough to not question you as she follows. You are too busy looking back at the lord of drugs to notice you are running straight at a narrow chasm. You catch it out of the corner of your eye. It’s a split second decision but you don’t have much choice, going to have to jump for it.


Somehow, miraculously, you clear the chasm. When you looked down mid-jump you notice Abbadon screaming up at you furiously, as a horde of his followers all text away furiously, still filling your inbox. Good thing you made it. “Hah, we did it!” You turn excitedly to the Farseer. She looks back at you, a twinge of excitement and relief on her face. Strands of long red hair blow faintly in the wind, and you finally get a good look at her in the full outline of the blue sky. …Just in time to see Doomrider pop a wheelie and clear the jump with ease. “I’M GOING TO GRIND YOU UP AND SNORT YOUR BONES IMPERRIAAALLLLLL!!!” You hear him yell madly. “God damn it, today is just not my day!” You start to run again. The Farseer doesn’t hear you as she stops to turn around, raising her spear in defiance at the Harbinger of Heroin. This girl is either stupid, crazy, or confident. Maybe all three, you can’t be sure. Either way, you’ve got a decision to make.

“I am getting too old for this constant litany of BULLSHIT!” You howl furiously as you snatch the Farseer’s spear from her hand and dash over to a nearby Ork Warbike. Surprisingly the bike starts with no effort whatsoever and in fact everything is incredibly easy about it, as if it wants you to ride. Annoying; considering how much bullshit an Imperium vehicle puts you through, that this Ork monstrosity of engine, chrome, and flame decals give you no trouble. You turn to face Doomrider, and rev your engine as high and as loud as you can. Doomrider turns his bike sideways and skids to a stop, a hundred yards away or so. With little struggle he pulls a tree up out of the dirt and bites one end, gnawing and gnashing at it until it forms a nasty point. Both of you sit there, revving your engines, eying each other. “I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!!” He finally screams, beginning his charge. You dump your own clutch and twist as hard as you can, the Ork bike clunking to action as it takes off. The two of you grow ever closer, each spear pointed at the other. This could end up alright, or very, very badly. You want to close your eyes and have that Eldar girl hold you tight, maybe grab some afternoon delight. But there isn’t time, you are seconds away from impact.

Your spear slams itself directly into Doomrider’s chest, impaling him as it knocks him off of his bike, which crashes into some rocks and sails end over end. His own spear hit the front of your bikes handlebars and shattered. Say what you will about the Orks, when they do make something, they make it goddamn sturdy. You quickly slow to a stop as Doomrider falls to the ground, gasping and feeling at the spear now lodged in him. It looks fatal, but you know better by now. He seems currently disabled at least. You approach him, laspistol drawn, as he groans and looks up at you. He reaches out to you with one hand as if begging. “IF YOU MUST KILL ME, AT LEAST LET ME DIE WITH THE TASTE OF ACID IN MY MOUTH AND THE SMELL OF SWEET SNOW IN MY NOSE!” Despite him being one of the more terrifying things you’ve ever encountered, this gives you pause. You would be a right bastard if you denied him his last request…

A bag on his bike contains… well… a plethora of drugs. If there was a market, nay, a superwalmart for drugs, it would be this guy’s satchel. You aren’t even sure of most of the shit you’re looking at. You grab out what you think are some acid tabs and a bag out of six dozen or so of different white powders. There is no way to tell which one is blow, and you really doubt Doomrider cares much. You lean down and hand him the drugs, which he eagerly consumes. Now comes time for the dirty deed…

Wait, Doomrider is slowly fading out, growing more and more transparent by the second. “HAHAHAHAHA!” He bellows with laughter as he stands up, the spear falling from his no longer physical chest. “Son of a fucking bitch!” You fire your laspistol anyways, but the shot sails right through him and not in a good way. “YOU FIGHT WELL AND WELL FOR A MORTAL, I SHALL SINGS SONGS OF THIS DAY WHILE I INDULGE MYSELF!” He is almost entirely transparent now, his head is really the only thing you can still make out. “IN YOUR HOUR OF PLIGHT YOU MAY DO WELL TO CALL ON ME, HUMAN, FOR I EAGERLY AWAIT OUR NEXT MEETING! UNTIL THEN, MAY YOUR LIFE BE FULL OF PLEASURE!” With this, he is entirely gone. You remember now, part of the fables you were read as a boy. Doomrider is notorious for disappearing, entirely at random as it were… This leaves you alone with the Farseer, who is approaching you, eyes fixed dead on your face. Aww yeah, you impressed this bitch. You are a fucking pimp of the Imperium after all. Her face is nearly at yours, though you would have to lean down to meet it, so you do. And she decks you squared in the jaw.

“You idiot mon-keigh! What in the name of Uthwe would I have done without my spear! Did you ever stop to think maybe a fucking FARSEER might be, oh, I don’t know, A FUCKING SPECIALIST AT FIGHTING CHAOS DAEMONS!!!” She mad. “But… But I…” You stammer, surprised at the blow. “No, you acted like a fool!” She shouts, crossing her arms and turning her back to you. “…Still, for a guardsman you did fare quite well against such a foe…” You rub your jaw, it wasn’t a hard blow, just caught you off guard is all. Silence fills the air. Until it is almost immediately disturbed by a tremendous growl from your gut. “Ugh…” You groan, rubbing your stomach. Suddenly a hand is thrust into your face, holding what looks like a small biscuit thing. “Huh?” You ask, looking up at her. The Farseer is looking away, refusing to meet your eyes. She is blushing furiously. “I made this earlier, you can have it. It… It’s not like I want you to eat it, or anything.” She adds quickly. “All right then, I’ll try it…” You accept the food from her, not wanting to seem over-eager. Your stomach gives you up when it groans furiously that you have dared take so long to sate it when you are staring fucking food in the face. You take a small bite, and your tongue is alive… With FLAVOR. A biscuit shouldn’t taste this good. Cannot possibly taste this good. But it isn’t just your stomach talking, the biscuit is fucking delicious. “W… Well?” The Farseer asks, glancing back and forth at you. You lick your fingers, having polished off the morsel already. “It was really good, you can cook for me anytime.” Her face lights up and she beams, eyes wide with delight. “Really?” Then she quickly catches herself and looks away again, giving you the cold shoulder. “I didn’t make it for you or anything, quit acting so grateful you mon-keigh.” "Even if you didn't make it for me, I'm still glad you let me have it. Got any more?" The Eldar girl shrugs.

"Not on me, no. But if I had the ingredients I could make more." Your stomach growls again, reminding you that one little snack isn't going to do it. Fuck you stomach, you and dick both bossing around poor old brain, he never did anything to you jerks. "Well if your THAT hungry we could maybe catch some fish to cook. From orbital data the oceans here are stock full of fish, and the water is close by." She tsks at you and turns away. "If it even smells like anything you have cooked for me before, I'm all in." So with that said, you two set off for the ocean. "So did you bring a swimsuit?" You ask, trying to start up some conversation. "Even if I did, why would I wear it for you, pervert?" She fumes. "Whoa turn the hate off of eleven for a minute. I'm sweaty as Horus in a tracksuit, so I figured I would take a swim." "Hmph, my undersuit would work fine, but I'm not ditching my armor so you can eye rape me." Damn this girl is cold...

You feel your luck increase ever so slightly... Huh. You finally get to the beach, and it is a damn pretty one. White sands, blue water, cute girl still glaring at you. Ahh... Bliss. You strip down to your standard issue guard skivvies and run excitedly down to the water. You busy yourself splashing and scrubbing, lost in the paradise of warm tropical water. You lean back and stretch, taking it all in, when you hear a splash behind you. "Don't get me wrong, I just decided I needed to cool off!" By the Emprah... A white bikini?

Hot giggidy son, those are some psychic xeno tits. They aren’t big, but they aren’t small, maybe somewhere around a c-cup? You can’t exactly think straight right now. What with the white clashing awesomely with her flowing red hair and vibrant, and fiercely intelligent turquoise eyes. “Yo, stupid mon-keigh, quit titfucking me with your eyes and get to fishing already.” She says flatly as she cracks you over the head with a rod. Where the hell did she even get that from? Eldar trickery. But imagining titfucking those glorious xeno-baits, yeah you could do it, you WANT to do it. She thwaps you with the rod again. Despite your best effort to actually concentrate on fishing, sitting on the beach alongside her, you just can’t. You have a slight bit of Eldar ass cleavage drawing your eyes away from the rod, the sight is mesmerizing. You could lose yourself in it. There is a sudden tug on your line.

There is a tremendous tug as line starts screaming out of the bail, despite having the drag notched up a bit because you are a fishing noob. The rod is bent single, and you have your feet buried in the sand in an attempt to remain on the beach. A tremendous explosion erupts from the surface some two hundred yards out. Water soars a thousand feet into the sky from the sheer force of the breach.

Only it isn’t an explosion.

And it isn’t a fish.

Ra’alman, the epic sea beast of Yagis V lore, is hooked on your rubber worm bait. More serpent than anything else, it’s glowing vorpal red eyes and razor sharp ten foot long teeth are the most terrifying things you’ve ever witnessed. Men have been lost to madness for seeing this creature. Only a new world, universe, of terror is awakened from its dark slumber as the creature throws it’s head in a blood-draining, suicide-inducing scream. You grip the rod as tight as you can as you struggle with all your might against the beast.

Do you cut the line and remain on the relative safety of the beach?

Or do you show this Farseer what a real fisherman can do?

“I AM POSEIDON, MASTER OF THE SEAS, AND I SHALL CLAIM YOU AS MY MEAL!” A sharp tug of the line and you are thrown forward into the seas, which have grown rough and dark, black ominous clouds now looming overhead. With incredible speed you are dragged down, down, down, into the inky black. Slowly the dragging stops, and you are left alone in the pitch darkness. You can’t see your own hand in front of your face, or even tell which way the surface is. You look down and notice two burning, hateful red eyes staring back at you from the nothingness below. With a quick movement you draw out the small bait knife the Eldar girl gave you along with the rod. “Time to dance, fishfag.” But it just comes out as a bunch of bubbles. With astounding speed the beast rushes for you, and you can feel the sucking motion through the water as the giant opens its god-devouring maw. You draw your arm back, preparing to strike.

A blinding light illuminates the seas around you, emanating from an anglerfish-like protrusion from the beast’s head. In the sudden blue light you can see now what you are really up against. Those teeth are jagged and barbed, ending in points sharper than the most finely honed templar blade. Each again, several feet longer than you are, and there are thousands of them, set in rows, going as deep into the monster’s horrific bowels. The legends call this the horror-fish. It has been known to devour ships out of the sky. And if the legends hold true, this beast also is responsible for consuming alive every god that once existed on this fowl planet. But those are just legends. Right?

You try to swim upwards as fast as you can, the jaws only yards away now. Your lungs are burning for air, which you are nowhere near. Ra’alman misses you by a hair, its terrible bony body scraping against your foot, sending a jolt of pain through your whole body. With no time to think you do the only thing you can come up with, and drive your pitiful knife as hard as you can into the beast’s back. It sinks in. With all of the creature’s speed you are thrown forward along with it, as the god-eater barrels toward the surface. It screams again, it’s agonizing song even more soul-devastating underwater. You lose all hope as your lungs finally give out and you suck in seawater…

Until with the force of a thousand suns, the monster breaches the surface yet again. You are soaring upwards, dozens, hundreds, thousands of feet above the seas below. “Oh FUUUUUUU….” You manage to yell between coughs of belching up salt water, as the peak of the climb is reached, and the fall begins. You plummet, ever and ever faster toward the now frigid waters below, which chop and crash as though they too wish to feast on your pitiful human flesh. At the last second before impact, you ditch the knife and jump for it, crashing down into the water. You are a pretty good swimmer, but you are a hundred meters from the shore, where the Farseer girl is screaming, you think. Looking back, you see the hungry jaws of Ra’alman closing fast, dead set on having you for a snack. “NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE!!!!!” You freestyle as hard and as fast as you can, screaming litanies of protection and struggling against the weak confines of your own frail and now beaten body. You are so close now…

By the Emprah and those white bikini xeno titties, you are not dying here today. Your strength doubles and you make the final push to the land, running up the beach as fast as you can. Ra’alman’s momentum carries it up the sand after you, but friction gets the better of it and it is slowed to a halt. You are mere inches away from its putrid hole, which gnashes and bites at you, now just barely out of reach. With a frustrated scream, the beast starts to retreat. But not before coughing and hitting you in the face with a 5lb fish that is still flopping away madly. “Catch anything?” The Farseer asks coyly.

“Fuck you and every spindly space elf that looks like you.” You splutter as you cough up yet more seawater. “No really, that big speech and all? I didn’t realize it was directed at this anusfish.” She laughs, shaking the flailing fish in your face, taunting you. “Yeah well you… Wait did you just call it an anusfish?” Her grin is ear to ear, leading you on. “Why yes, Commissar, I did.” “And why, exactly?” “Because they taste like ass, according to all planetary data logs.” She can barely contain her laughter at this point. You stand up and brush off as much sand as you can, trying to regain some air of dignity. “I’ll have you know, Eldar, that there are some asses I ENJOY the taste of, and if you don’t believe me, bend over and allow me to demonstrate.”

She pulls back a bit, losing the smile. “I’ll pass on that today, thanks. Though I will cook your anusfish if you so desire, I myself caught this.” She holds up a four foot long flatfish, it looks like some kind of bottomfeeder. “Supposed to be the best delicacy of the sea on the whole of Yagis V.” She brags.

“Yeah well, I usually enjoy ass for dessert, not the main course…” You give in as you toss your fish back into the water. You turn back to her slowly. “Although you could still make me some dessert later, perhaps?” Another dive knife goes sailing past your left ear, clipping it ever so slightly, just enough to draw a drop of blood. “Don’t even think about it worm. The next time you do, I won’t miss.” Dayum shame, you would eat that ass. You would eat it and be damn proud of the fact. “Hmph, well since you admit I caught the better fish, I’ll treat you to a good meal.” She stops suddenly.

“But just for tonight, mon-keigh. Don’t expect me to grace you with my divine presence like this again.” You don’t say anything as you lay back on the warm sand and watch her work her magic. That is, until she kicks sand in your face and smacks you with her fishing rod until you get up to go gather fire wood so she can cook. After collecting everything you can that she needs, you again lay back down to take in the view. And by the view, you mean that bent over ass shot, as she tends to the fish now filling the nearby area with its unfathomable sweet aroma. It has been a loooooonggg time since you’ve had anything that could constitute a home cooked meal. The barracks serves high-nutrient slop, and the carry rations are bland and fairly tasteless. You are going to enjoy this, no matter how damaged your pride may be.

Her butt shakes around as she darts this way and that, adding spices and making adjustments with some kind of knowledge likely garnered through thousands of years of perfection and study. “I can literally FEEL your eyes on my ass, stop that if you want any food!” She snaps at you. Bah, it’s not like you want dat ass, or anything… baka… Getting up to stretch out your legs, you really wish you had a beer, it has been months since you’ve even beheld the beauty that is a cold bottle of “Librarian’s Imperial Pale Ale.”

The thought of a beer even fades quickly when you inhale, you can almost taste that roasting fish, your stomach is locked in a civil war on itself. In addition to the fish; the Farseer also gathered up some assorted roots, which, though glowing a disheartening orange, she assured you were edible. “Hey, I never did get your name…” You inquire, looking back at the still bent-over Eldar. “Hah, as if you are deserving enough to be blessed by its utterance.” She retorts. “I’m Max, Max Decarus.” You reply, ignoring her stinging comments. “I’m Eshwe Ulthran. My friends call me Esh.” Her face goes red. “N-Not that you can call me that, mon-keigh!” You grin.

“Alright Eshwe.” “You ingrate, I told you only my friends… Wait did you just use my actual name?” She asks, fishing rod poised to strike. “Well yeah, I mean, it isn’t like we are friends are we?” You can barely contain your trollface. She looks like she’s pouting a bit though trying her best to conceal it. “Anyways, Eshwe, I’m going to find us someplace to crash, why don’t you rest by the fire and call me when the food is ready?” You turn around and begin to stroll off. Her hand snatches out and grabs your wrist, stopping you mid-step. You turn around slowly. She isn’t looking at you, her eyes are lowered and you can’t see them under her hair. Her cheeks are burning red. “…You… You can call me Esh… Idiot mon-keigh…”

Thread 3: YOU... DOUBLE MON-KEIGH![edit]

Thin streams of sunlight pour through the morning dew of the fronds above you. Golden, exuberant, and warm. You can hear the soft waves as they creep back and forth across the beach, and various birds singing for joy of a fresh day. The reassuring sounds begin to put you back to sleep. The small shelter you built keeps just enough of the sun out that you think you’ll drift off for another few hours. All while so comfortably warm, though oddly your front seems warmest despite facing away from the entrance… Your eyes pry open just a crack, but you can’t see much through the red hair. Wait wut. Your pupils dilate as your heart goes from a relative calm to being chased through the jungle by a Eversor assassin in a running battle of drug-fueled destruction that only fate can decide. It is at that moment you realize, the air around you is actually quite cool, a bit uncomfortably so even. What’s keeping you warm, in fact, is that you are currently spooning the fuck out of Esh.

Badger shit cunts, this is bad. If she wakes up, she’ll hit you with that spear. Power of a bolter, accuracy of an Exitus rifle. One hit from that and it’s all over. Unfortunately, you can’t ignore the fact that her barely-covered ass has apparently parked itself right on your dick, which itself is… Well… Fully enjoying the morning, as it were. You swallow hard, mind racing in some desperate bid to come up with an exit strategy. Your other mind is telling you to have at it and patting you on the back in celebration. Further damning the situation, your arm is wrapped around her chest tightly, and you can make out some soft underboob. While it is true you aren’t sure how she will react to this situation, the thought crosses your mind that perhaps it would be best to not find out…

Just as you start to try to disengage yourself from this situation, your own body betrays you. The sound of you ripping ass, a long-winded release of concentrated warp energy, fills the small shelter… “JUST AS PLANNED!!” Tzeentch crows happily from inside the warp. Esh stirs slightly, and for a brief moment it appears that perhaps she will remain asleep. “Enjoy the moment while it lasts, mon-keigh. For it shall be your last.” Well, it was nice knowing yourself.

Eshwe sits up, her neck cracking as it turns around to face you. Her normally turquoise eyes are now glowing with arcane energy as they lock onto you. “Wait! Wait, Esh, this is a misunderstanding!” You stammer, backing up and searching desperately for your pants. Esh smiles, but it isn’t a pleasant like “Oh ok, good morning though.” Kind of smile. More like a “I will enjoy tearing you apart with my mind.” Grin of madness.

“Damn it Esh, this is your fault! I made you your own place to sleep, what in the Emprah’s name are you doing in my bed!?” You don’t think this last desperate bid will matter, the air has begun to crackle ominously with energies you cannot even begin to fathom. A small little rat-like thing scurries away, as though even it can sense shit is about to go south. Esh’s eyes grow even more intense, you can no longer make out her pupils. They are smoldering so bright you can’t even look at them without it hurting your head. But then, just as suddenly as they had ignited, her eyes returned to normal. Esh looks around slightly before turning back to you. “I’m not putting it past you to have swifted me away for your… Carnal desires… But I can’t prove it.” She sighs as she crosses her arms. “I’m going to change.” She adds. You relax as relief floods though your body. Until Esh clocks you overhead. “Oi, you, mon-keigh! When a girl says she’s going to change, that means you get out of the room! Go find something for breakfast.” Esh grabs one of her fishing rods and starts swinging away at you until she herds you out of the shelter. Once you are finally outside she tosses the rod after you. Well at least you survived the morning. Hell, a part of you even enjoyed it. You are a bit hungry, you admit. Though one thought seems to be shoving the others aside. Inside that small shelter, which is in no way wind-proof, is a naked Farseer.

A guardsman without his pants is like a boy wifout ‘iz choppah, sumfin bout it aint right. “Hold up, Esh, I need my pants!” You lean back down to the entrance of the shelter. It takes a moment for your eyes to adjust to the dimness. Esh is frozen, her face a look of shock. Back to you, arms outstretched above her. Wearing nothing but a gaze that says you had better go chance a swim with Ra’alman because he might be more merciful. A sudden blast of psyonic energy throws you backward, and as you careen through the air, you can’t help but still picture that bare heretical xeno ass. Worth it? Maybe. You land face down in the sand. As you start to get up, a rough foot on your head shoves you back down. “If I didn’t have somewhere I needed to be, I would enjoy taking my time murdering you, you… DOUBLE MON-KEIGH!!!” Esh doesn’t let you up, instead choosing to grind your face in the sand. “You might be of some use to me later though, so I’ll give you a way to contact me in case I need to summon you, whelp.” A flash of searing pain explodes in your head, your jaw contorting in agony. You suddenly know what frequency to contact Esh on. The Farseer is nowhere to be found by the time you pick yourself off of the beach. You wash the sand off in the alien sea, making sure to stay close to shore and keeping an eye out for the fish-fag from yesterday, as you ponder what to do next…

You decide that checking out the Tau first is probably your best bet. The hot springs are close by and surrounded by thick woods which should offer you good cover to observe from. You could also use a bath, salt water leaves a sticky residue.

A nearby Sentinel makes for quick travel, or would, if you had any idea how to drive one. “Empruh titty fucking Terra!” You yell as you faceplant the walking vehicle into the sand. Oh well, you are better off on foot from here anyways. What did the driving instructor call you at basic training again? A “being of unfathomable destruction whilst driving, do not allow within four meters of any controls.” Or something like that. “Alright, let’s do this shit.” You mutter as you start sneaking through the woods. You may not be a Stormtrooper (not that you were too short to try out), but you can be pret-ty damn sneaky.

The damp ground and thick foliage make it slow going, and you really hope you don’t just stumble into a fucking Kroot or something. Finally you see more light streaming through the canopy and you can smell a tinge of sulfur. You are close. Belly crawling now, you avoid a two foot long caterpillar, keeping a close eye on it, when suddenly your head bumps into something hard. Looking up you stare into the face… Thing… Of a crisis battle suit. A plethora of guns staring your right in the face. You fully accept your swift demise before noticing the hatch is open, and the cockpit unoccupied. What appears to be a thin yellow skin-tight outfit of some kind hanging off of it. You sneak away from the suit, finding a bit of high ground next to a particularly large tree. Poking your head out from the bushes ever so slightly, you are completely startled at what you see. Down below you, fully visible in the middle of the spring, is a lone Tau. …And she is gloriously naked. You watch, utterly infatuated, as she pours water down her front. Soap bubbles run down between her perfectly formed size F, perky and yet round, greater goods. “Oh this is such heresy…” You groan quietly as you feel a swelling in your pants. You have never been this close to a Tau, but this one is way different from what you’ve seen before. For starters, clearly a woman.

Her skin is a lighter hue of blue, maybe from lack of sunlight crammed in that suit all day? Bright violet hair falls just past her shoulders. She also looks young, not that you really know what a young Tau girl looks like, but certainly nothing like the grizzled fire warriors you are used to. Just… Young. Like someone your age would look, if they had blue skin. You know this is textbook heresy, the bolter bitches would be roasting you alive if they knew. “Thou shall not extend thy wood over Xenos.” Or some such. You can’t look away though, eyes glued to the soft curvy body innocently washing itself before you. The Tau girl reaches down with a cloth and soaps up her plump ass. You find yourself subconsciously fiddling for the mark IIV K.West-pattern sun shield goggles you left with your old gear, as you bite your bottom lip. She drops the cloth accidentally and starts to bend down to retrieve it. “Oh Terra…” You lean forward for a better view.

  • SNAP*

A twig cracks under your knee and you stop moving, stop breathing. The Tau girl whirls around and freezes, she clearly sees you. “Kyaaaaa!” She yells in a high, surprisingly girly voice, before dropping into the water leaving just her head exposed. Before you can react, she produces a pistol and points it at you with a shaking hand. “Wait!” You plead, “Wait, I’m not here to fight!” You hold out your hands to show you are unarmed, weapowns in the dirt behind you. The Tau girl looks at you wide-eyed, terrified. Her cheeks have turned a brilliant pink. “D-did y-you see?” She stammers, still pointing the pistol. “Only a little! None of your bits!” You lie quickly and hopefully convincingly. She doesn’t look like she buys it entirely, but she lowers the gun slightly. “A-are you the… The only one here?” She asks quietly. If you didn’t know any better you would have to think she is actually… Embarrassed? “Yep, just me.” You tell her in your best soothing voice, “Pretty sure I’m the last guardsman on the planet too.” “What d-do you want?” She asks, still hiding her body, though the pistol is no longer trained on your head. You think hard. You aren’t really sure why you are here, sure the skull data and whatnot. But really, why ARE you here?

“Just a soak, care if I join you?” You ask nonchalantly, as though this had really been your plan all along. The Tau girls face blushes even harder. “I guess.” She stammers, clearly torn between an indoctrinated belief and the fact that she is quite without clothes. Wasting no time you strip down to your heresy-blockers and go into the warm water. The dried salt is stripped away from your skin, you instantly feel refreshed and for the first time since clambering out of a pile of dead orcs, clean. “Wow, I can see why you were in here.” You remark as you wipe the water off of your face. The Tau girl is in front of you, everything under her eyes is now below the water as she watches you. “Hey, relax, I’m really not going to hurt you, I swear by the Empoorah.” You smile and try to look as friendly as a peeping tom can be. The rest of her head pops up and she smiles at you weakly, her face still flush. “Well, I’ll admit it is nice having company, I don’t really like being alone.” She mutters as she pushes her two index fingers together, eyes darting between you and the water. Without warning the Tau girl shrieks and jumps, eyes wide with fright. She runs right at you and you both crash backwards into the water. Blue xeno funbags now pressing hard against your face.

“Hey now, let’s at least see a movie first or something…” You laugh as you try to stand back up, face still entrapped by soft skin. “Wha-what?” She stammers, looking at you, much of which is buried in her cleavage. “Well I mean, call me old fashioned but…” She cuts you off by jumping on you, wrapping her legs around your torso. “NOOOOHHHH, THE WATER, ROOK!” She screams in fright. Barely managing to escape from the titty-trap, you look down into the water below, and gulp hard at what you see. Tyranids. Little ones. They so cuuuuuute.

“What is this, I don’t even…” But you are cut off as she grips you even harder, crushing you with her massive boobage. “I motherfucking hate fucking tyranids! Fucking Help me!” She cries, still gripping you hard. Unable to see, but not wanting to be submerged in a pool full of ‘nids, you do your best to start wading to shore. “Mphf mmphh smeeee” You mumble, mouth blocked. She stops panicking for a brief moment. “Huh?” She asks. It takes a bit of effort to wedge yourself further between her tits so you can clear your face and look up at her. “I can’t see.”

She must have realized now that she is naked, wet, and gripping you hard enough to give you a vivid feeling of her space communist parts. Either Tau girls don’t grow any hair down there, or this one shaves. Her face turns almost entirely purple, still, she doesn’t let go. “Just get me out of here…” She pleads. Well, it isn’t like you to deny a naked female clinging to you. Walking out is difficult, the bottom of the spring is full of rocks and sudden drop-offs. It doesn’t help that the little ‘nids have also started biting at you. “ow Ow OW!” You are running as fast as you can, head bouncing into breasts, as you try to escape the clutches of those annoying little fucks.

Your feet finally meet dry land and you dash up the slope as fast as you can, not sure whether or not the bugs are still giving chase. A root catches you and before you can react, you are falling. You twist mid-air, as it would be more than a little rude to break your fall with someone you just met. Your head hits hard and there is a ringing in your ears, but you are alive. “Ugghh.” Is all you manage to groan, rubbing at your temples. That is, until you realize there is something warm and wet grinding into your groin. The Tau girl is still on top of you, her pelvis right against yours. Your boxers are soaked right through and were thin to begin with, and you have some kind of fear-erection. Oh the heresy… She is trembling, hands gripping you at the shoulders tightly, breasts dangling inches above your face. Only you realize, she isn’t looking at you, but at something behind you. You crane your neck hard, which is painful after the fall, and see the soulless grin of a Hive Tyrant smiling at you from but yards away. …Acid dripping from what looks like some kind of pelvis-mounted bile cannon.

You snatch up your belt and tear open one of your pouches. Dumping the contents out quickly into a pile of snow five inches high. Without a word you flop your face down into it, snorting madly. “What are you doing!? Now isn’t the time to use that!” She screams at you, shaking you madly. You look up from the pile, your face blanketed with snow, much clinging to your day-old stubble. The Hive Tyrant closes in, and you think it’s actually laughing at you as it does so. It’s too late, your desperate bid failed you.

“Sorry babe, I really thought that would work.” You apologize to her, smiling sadly. Suddenly, the roar of a motorcycle. “IIII’MMMMM ONNNNNNNNN DRUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Doomrider, in all his flaming-headed glory, bursts from a hole in the warp, headed straight at the Hive Tyrant. Half a dozen daemonettes cling to him, with ahego faces as Doomrider’s twelve dicks please them all simultaneously. His bike flies at the Hive Tyrant, and Doomrider slams a bottle labeled “Secret stash” as he swings a massive chain axe at the same time.

The tyranid doesn’t have time to react as its head is lopped clean off. Just as quickly as he appeared, another warp hole opens and Doomrider sails into it in a flurry of white powder, needles, and semen. “STAY EXCELLENT!” He cackles madly before disappearing. The Tau girl’s face is frozen in a “what the fuck did I just see” stare. You almost lay back down until you hear a fury of scurrying claws from the tree line as four jeanstealers burst forth, charging at you. Grabbing the Tau’s hand as her eyes spin from the terror, you pull her into a run, barely managing to snatch up your sword and pistol as you do. Looking back you see the ‘nids eagerly devouring your clothes. They are getting closer to your hat. The Tau girl is barely conscious as she runs behind you. Your hat waves sadly back at you as a ‘nid moves in to eat it. “I’ll never forget you, Commissar-kun.”

You run with all the fury of Angron and the Angry Marines all rolled into one toward your beloved cap. A tyranid picks up the hat and smiles at the aspect of devouring such a glorious thing. “No, Hat-chan, nooooooo!!!!”

It’s impossible, there is no way you can make the shot from here. The distance is too great for even your mad laspistol skills. Also your madly jittering hands don’t help, but you feel ALIVE. Still, you take the shot, and it manages to hit. But the tyranid shrugs off the blow, it’s carapace saving it. You can only watch in horror as your beloved cap is devoured whole. “NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” You yell, crashing to your knees, your life suddenly empty.

A bolt of plasma cuts the ‘nid in half. With misted eyes you see the carcass spinning in the air, xeno guts and blood spraying every which way. But wait… No… It can’t be. “HAT-CHANNNNNN!!!!”

The Commissar hat leaves the genestealer body through the ex-back way, and sails to you. Covered in terrible things, yes, but intact. The Crisis battle suit crashes through the forest behind you, knocking trees aside. With a robot-like efficiency it obliterates the other two ‘nids. Unfortunately with less precision, vaporizing your clothes along with them.

“Nice shot blueberry!” You yell with a fist pump. The Crisis battle suit kicks the dirt, embarrassed. “Really, it was nothing….” The booming microphone says. You wash your beloved hat off in the hot spring, punting any little ‘nid that gets too close. Heavy stomping shakes the ground slightly as the suit walks up beside you and quickly dispatches the little swimming tyranids. “Hey, you going to climb out of that thing so I can dance in joy with you or what?” You ask, poking the leg of the suit. For a moment there is no response, but then the suit turns away from you. “The… The tyranids found my battle suit before I did…” You shrug, “So?” “Well… My clothes were gone.” She finally admits. An awkward moment is just about to pass when you hear the furious howls of yet more tyranids, having just found their kin shredded by plasma. “Time to go!” You shout, hopping up, before pausing. “I’m going to need a ride, there is no way we are outrunning them on foot.”

“Let me in, let me in, LET ME INNNN!!!” The tyranids screams are getting closer, and fast. The suit reels back. “B-b-but I’m… NAKED!” She protests, the suit shaking its head back and forth. “Now isn’t the time to be shy, you were smothering me with your love balloons earlier!” You yell as you search for some kind of exterior hatch-release. With a hiss the cockpit falls open, and the Tau girl sits there, covering her nether region with one hand and unsuccessfully attempting to cover her breasts with her other arm. Quickly you hop inside, the cockpit is cramped and alive with light. You don’t read Tau so you don’t know what any of it means though. The cockpit closes and re-starts it’s forward view screen. The Tau girl struggles to look around you, moving her head back and forth. She looks like she is torn between grabbing the controls and continuing to hide herself. “I can’t pilot like this.” She finally admits. You aren’t left with much of a choice. “Get up, hurry.” Without question she rises from her seat, her body pressing into yours. You swing around her as you assume the command seat. “All right, now sit down and get this yellow brick of death moving.” For a moment, nothing happens. “But I’m naked, and you are ALMOST naked!” She finally pleads. A tyranid leaps up onto the back of the suit and starts slashing at it furiously. “No time girl, let’s go!” You spin her around and yank her down onto your lap. Her ass engulfs your pelvis, and despite your best efforts, your little phallic object stands at attention, poking her in the cheek.

Not that she has time to think about that, as her hands fly over the controls and the suit lurches to life. You are smooshed by dat heretical ass even more as the suit flies upwards, tossing off the ‘nid. “There are too many, we are going to have to fight them off!” She yells. “Can you handle this many?” You ask, unsure really how many ‘nids are really out there, you cant see the screen, as it is blocked by epic side boob. “I can try.” She finally says as the suit crashes back down. The Tau girl swiftly moves the controls to avoid another warrior that leaps at the suit. The sudden motion causes both of you to shift hard in the seat, and you find suddenly that it has also disengaged the purity seal keeping you in, as it were. The phallic object ventures out, ready for exterminatus, as it slips into the crack. The feel of her still wet ass cleavage encompassing you is beyond words, Slaanesh himself jealous of your pleasure. There is an massive fight raging outside, but you are in your own little world now. Every dodge, every strike, causes her to shift around. You can only sit and praise the Emprah for your luck as her wet ass slides back and forth along your heavy bolter. “We’re going to have to hit the jump jets again!” She yells. Her ass is thrust down on you, making the most epic hot dog in the universe and awakening the great void dragon.

“In the Emprah’s name…” You whisper, convulsing with pleasure. You can’t hold it in. Bolter fire explodes on her ass. Your body shudders as her hips move on their own, grinding on your champion as he fires hot bursts of plasma into the canyon. “Hah, I finally got them all!” She yells in triumph, until her voice trails off. “What was that hard thing, and why is my butt wet Commissar?” She reaches a hand back and rubs her crack, then looks inquisitively at the white heresy on her hand. The Tau girl tilts her head slightly, before giving her fingers a curious lick.

“Oh man, I can’t actually believe that happened!” Nurlge belches and laughs madly from his throne. “Hey Tzeentch, hey? Was that “Just as planned?” I thought you hated this guy!” Tzeentch glowers in the corner, sulking.

"Its... Ah...Food. Guardsman custom for being saved, all yours blue." She gives you a quizzical look before shrugging. "It would be rude of me to deny custom, but do I have to eat it off of you though?" She asks, a bit hesitant at the thought. "Uh... Yeah... Traditions and all, you understand." The Tau girl pauses for a moment before turning around in the cramped cockpit and lowering her face to your groin. The High inquisitor has taken a hit, lost a wound, but he stands back up in defiance, ready to blast the xeno. She begins to lick you, her soft tongue sliding across your thighs and shaft slowly, lapping up the heretical juices. You moan in ecstasy, and she looks up at you unsure. "All part of the ritual..." You assure her. She buys it, and lowers herself back down, brushing the hair out of her face. She pauses at your defiant champion as he madly waves his chainsword, before taking him in her mouth. "Praise the Emprah..." You mumble at the sensation. Her mouth is ridiculously warm, and her tongue swirls around you, hungrily cleaning you off. The inquisitor feels the urge to exterminatus rising as the Tau takes more and more of him, eagerly now.

The second black crusade is rapidly approaching.

"FOR THE EMPRAH!!!" You shout as you bury your sword. The High inquisitor gives the command, exterminatus. White hot fury erupts from the flagship, soaring into the foul xeno void. The Tau girl panics, eyes wide, and tries to pull away. You hold her there though, until the inquisitor, mission accomplished, succumbs to his wounds and shrivels. When you finally let her go she coughs and then, unexpectedly, smiles. "Don't think I didn't know what you were up to, guardsman, but you did save me from those awful bugs." She manages, mouth full. You can hardly hear her from your position on the golden throne as you and the Emprah celebrate the day. "Thanks?"

She swallows. "I'm Ailia!" She finally adds cheerily.



“So Ailia, any clue as to what is going on with this planet?” You ask, as the cockpit opens back up. The Tau girl shrugs as she wades into the hot spring once again to wash herself off, and you do the same. “My brother is the Commander, but I haven’t been able to get a hold of him. He’s too tough to die, though.” She says softly as water cascades down her hair . “As far as the human presence on this planet, the last time I knew anything was before the Orks started piling on the bodies.” You had hoped for a more optimistic answer, that perhaps some guard had slipped away and were holed up somewhere high and hard with some heavy armor. It’s depressing to think that everyone you knew in the guard, all of your friends, are dead. The two of you spend the next hour or so in idle chit chat, Ailia always keeping an eye out for more ‘nids. You get another face full as she leaps back onto you, a stick having floated by and nudged her in the back. “I’ve got to go try to link back up with my brother, he will be wondering what’s taken me so long…” She finally declares, doing her best to shake herself dry. “Here.” Ailia says, holding out her personal communicator. “Let’s exchange numbers!” The Tau girl says with a sincere smile. You hold out your own after digging it out of one of your belt pouches.

“H-hey, I’ve never done this before…” “Don’t worry, I’m experienced, I’ll be gentle.” “Wow, your encryption is so huge! I don’t think it’s going to fit!” “Relax babe, just enjoy the connection.” “Ahh! No! It-its too much!” “Hold on, here comes my data! I’m uploading!!!” “Hahhh! Your data, its filling me up!” “Take all of my packets you dirty bitch!”

  • *beep*

-Contact added-

“Cool, now I can give you a call after I find my brother and figure out what’s going on!” Ailia sticks her own device back inside the battle suit, before climbing back inside. “Wait, your leaving?” You ask, again unhappy at the thought of being alone again. “Sorry Max, but I’ll call you again for sure.” Ailia smiles. “And maybe next time I’ll show you some Tau customs…” She continues slyly. You watch sadly as the Crisis battle suit fades into the distance, a cold breeze rustling your jimmies. It’s not too far of a trek back to the armory, and you change into some new Commissar digs when you get there. You keep the same hat though. Sitting down, you snack on a ration as you ponder what to do next.

Well, you have had some fun so far no doubt, but maybe it’s time to serious up a bit. That warp hole nearby was spitting out daemons like a fat feral world girl spits out children. But the latest image from the servo skull shows an open warp hole but no flow of horrific denizens of the warp. Something obviously isn’t right. A Chimera should prove easier to drive than a Sentinel, you think. Right up until you lower yourself into the drivers compartment… “How the fuck are there this many LEVERS?!” You shout, offended at the sight. After a bit of agitated flailing and bashing of the controls, you manage to get the APC moving. Several seconds later however, you realize the Chimera is quickly gaining speed and you don’t know how to slow down. “FFFFFFFFFFfffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…” You are headed dead center at the open warp hole. Wrenching the controls, you manage to just barely avoid it as you crash right into a large and apparently sturdy wall. The tank slams quickly to a halt, and you hear the engine quit. Must have pissed off the machine spirit when you insultingly slammed it headlong into a seven hundred meter wide stationary building. Your head hurts, having bounced hard off of all things, a lever. Still, you crawl out of the back hatch to assess the damage. You are just about to see if you can back out; get a Maaco paint job, and hope no one notices, when a dark voice stops you in your tracks. “You dare disturb me? Dare to destroy my feast, insufferable mortal wretch?” The voice seemingly coming from everywhere. You are sweating hard, painfully aware at how inadequate the pistol now feels clutched in your hand which is trembling slightly. “You… You shall have to fill it’s place!” A set of fangs sinks into your thigh.

“OW what the fuck!?” You yell as you turn to face your assailant. Expecting a towering, terrifying, horrific daemon, you aren’t exactly sure what to think about what you actually see. “You wrecked my lunch you big dumb meanie!” She screams. The daemonette is small, much smaller than the others. Unlike the ones you saw yesterday, her boobs are nearly non-existent and hidden in a thin black tube top. Her face is young and far less menacing then the older versions. A small fang juts out from her lip as she scowls at you. You would call her cute if you were not still concerned about how many ways she could likely torture you to death. You notice a table flipped over, and various food items littered about it, each in a varying state of disarray. You are just about to apologize when she kicks you in the shin. “You little brat!” You shout, and before you realize it you have picked up the little daemon by her leg and are now holding her upside-down. The short skirt she was wearing obeys gravity and before you know it you are staring at the backside of a daemon. “S-stripes?” You manage to stutter before she catches you in the chin with her other foot. In retrospect, totally worth it, yellow and white is an interesting combo. “You perv!” The little daemon yells as she kicks you again. You let her go as you avoid another blow, and she falls to the ground with a pomf. She glowers furiously at you, the animosity apparent. Her eyes narrow further and you expect perhaps to be eaten by the warp. But just then, a single tear streaks down her purple face. You realize she is crying, though trying to hold back her tears and avoiding your gaze. “All I wanted was to eat in peace, and you wrecked it…” She sobs. Well now you feel like an asshole.

“H-hey, don’t cry!” You stammer, you are really not sure what to make of this situation. She looks back up at you with her wet eyes, fat tears still streaming down her face. “I think I’ve got some food in that tank, let me see if I can find it.” You rummage through the back of the Chimara. Lasgun cleaning supplies, various junk items, latest edition of Admechgirl… Found them! You drag out the box of rations and choose the “chicken emperor salad” as it’s one of the least awful ones. The little girl begins to eagerly devour the food. You aren’t sure how, you can barely stomach any of those things. The daemon girl isn’t watching, this might be the only chance you have. Silently you draw your sword, inching it from its scabbard, praying she doesn’t notice. It looks like she’s remained oblivious as she continues to stuff her face. It turns your stomach a little to think you are about to lop off the head of this cute little daemon, still, to do otherwise would be heresy. “SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!”

You spin around in time to see a chain axe speeding toward your face. Barely managing to block the blow, the force of it throws you back nonetheless. The Khornette laughs madly, swinging the axe in blazing arcs as you struggle to keep up. Each strike you block knocks you backwards from the force. “TRYING TO KILL MY LITTLE SISTER? I’LL RAPE YOUR FUCK HOLES WHILE THE LIFE FADES FROM YOU, HUMAN!” It’s no use, you finally realize. She’s far too strong, you can barely keep up and you are tiring fast. In a last ditch effort you grip the sword above your head, trying desperately to somehow put her on the defensive. The chain axe catches you in the gut, roaring and spraying with blood and guts as it burrows ever deeper into you. Pain, excruciating pain. You are laying on your back, your broken mind trying to stuff your own intestines back into the gaping wound. Slowly though, a numbness begins to creep out into your body. You are so cold now. Your world grows dark...

It’s so hard to open your eyes, as though some dick techpriest has glued them shut as a prank after an all night drinking binge.


The voice sounds so far away, but the power emanating from it is something beyond comprehension.

“Hey, Max. Dude wake up.”

Finally you manage to crack open your eyes, your vision a bit blurry. The Emperor himself is peering down, at you. His golden armor is brilliant against the white background, gleaming as though it was brand new. He is waxing a surf board. “E-Emprah?” You manage, weakly.

The Emperor nods. “Yeah bro, it’s me.”

It’s a struggle to move your head as you look around. The whole place is just an endless backdrop of white, as though this place exists but doesn’t. “Am I dead?” You finally ask, unable to look down at your own stomach for fear of what you might see. The Emperor turns back to his board, a brilliant green one.

“Yeah man, you caught one in the stomach, didn’t you? You are dead, kinda.”

Finally you look down, but with a bit of relief you notice that the wound isn’t there. It takes all of your strength to sit up. “Emprah, I… I’m so sorry, I’ve been so heretical and…” The Emperor stands up, his size is daunting. This is beyond your abilities of your mind, to be so close to your god.

“Listen dude, you are the first human I’ve spoken to in a loooonnggg time. I didn’t bring you here without having my reasons.”

Your mind is reeling, the Emperor brought you here personally after you were slain by a Khornette? It has to be some kind of death hallucination. The Emperor turns and stares out a small window that has opened itself up in the white, through it, what looks like a view of a galaxy. You can’t help but notice, he looks… Sad…

“I’ve been watching for millennia as the universe as we know it tears itself apart at the seams. As my followers, once so righteous and devout, stray from my path and falsify my word.”

This can’t be happening, there just is no way.

“Its… Depressing, to say the least.” He mutters, resting his chin on his fist in deep thought.

If it’s real, than surely you can speak to the Emperor. But since it’s fake, there’s no way he will answer you. This is obviously some kind of chaos god trick. “Emprah, if I may ask… And I do so with only the utmost veneration. Where have you been? What have you been doing?” The Emperor turns his gaze back to you, brow knit as though pondering what it means to be a mortal such as yourself. What seems like an age passes.

“Surfing.” He finally admits. “I’ve been surfing.”

“Huh?” You ask, realizing only than how disrespectful you sound.

“Yeah man. I’ve been taking up lives on feral worlds, ones with nice beaches. Surfing just kind of happened… It had been so long since I had known joy, it really just took over my life.”

The Emperor has spent the last several thousand years surfing… Your body wasn’t prepared for this. The God Emperor shrugs, putting his board aside.

“But enough about me, I want to talk about YOU.” He says, pointing one gleaming finger right at your forehead.

“Me?” You ask, with a gulp.

“You.” The Emperor confirms. “I’ve been watching you since before your birth, Max. Long have I waited for a mortal righteous and level-headed enough to become my new right hand.”

Your head is spinning. Tzeentch is obviously playing some kind of trick.

“It’s not a trick, Max. While I love all of my children, this task is not something I can bestow upon some zealous chapter master or trigger happy phallic object. Not without them tainting my goal.”

“Emprah, I…” But he holds up a hand to quiet you.

“It was one of my last surfing trips…” His story begins. “I was really ripping it up, the surf was intense. Then suddenly this group of feral Orcs comes charging out. Only they don’t attack me, they start cheering me on from the shore. I spent a lifetime with this group, teaching them the ways of the board. It was then that I realized the mistake of humanity. We shouldn’t be purging the xenos, in this endless conflict. We should be making the universe a more righteous place, and you seem to understand that… Aside from nearly killing that little daemonette, kind of a dick move broski.”

The Emperor laughs at your face, which is surely a sight to behold.

“But first, before I return you to the mortal world, we’re going to a party.”

Are you a bad enough dude to party with the Emprah?

Your broken mind can barely formulate a thought as your lips move on their own. “A… Party… Emprah?” He reaches down and lifts you to your feet with one hand.

“Yeah, Chaos gods invited me and told me to bring a friend along. Could have sworn Nurlge said something about Tzeentch but the communication ended before he could finish… Could have sworn he said “shlicking”, whatever that means…”

He spins you around, looking you over thoughtfully.

“The Commissar outfit is pretty stylish, but it could use a bit extra. BAM!”

Your clothes suddenly glow with the light of the Emprah, and they begin to morph. What once was a utilitarian battle garb is now a suit of awesome fit for even the most radical chaos-god house party. They feel just so RIGHT against your skin, as though the Emperor himself had personally tailored them just for you. “Emprah be praised… I don’t even know what to say.” You really don’t, this is all just so much so fast.

The Emperor laughs, a booming but cheerful kind of laugh. The kind of laugh that when you hear at the pub drinking with your homies, you can’t help but crack a smile and laugh along with.

“Get ready for this, the last mortal I teleported like this described the event as “what?”.” The Emperor rubs his hands together quickly, as though getting ready. “ZAP!”

And your world explodes into color.

When your mind finally stops freaking out, man, you take in everything before you. This is, without a doubt, the most epic party ever to exist. It is perhaps even the most epic beyond the very fabric of existence, this party might be existence itself. The Emperor stands beside you, still wearing his golden armor. Though now a stylish black top hat adorns his head and a massive cane with a swirling galaxy inside it’s shaft, rests in his hand. “I did set you up with a few dates, some Daemon girls, cute ones to boot. You were going to get a pick one out of the three, to be decided in a strip competition. But I’m not sure if that’s going to happen now, you REALLY pissed off two of them and the third is mad you tried to off her littlest sister.”

He nudges you and points over to a table which seats three of the most beautiful beings you’ve ever witnessed. The little loli daemonette sits, glowering at you. Only her features are a thousand times more perfect here. She’s wearing a frilly black dress that barely covers her butt, as well as a scowl as she stares. That Khornette; the one who, well, killed you, is there as well. Her armor is gone and in its place a brilliant skin tight white dress with an embroidered void dragon snaking up the side. Her skin is a cooler red now, and it looks ridiculously soft and smooth even from here. She mouths “I raped your skull holes” even as she glares. A Nurglette, whom you hadn’t seen before, sips a glowing blue drink through a crazy straw. She is wearing a vibrant orange dress which has symbols of Nurlge that move all about it, somehow a moving image inside the fabric itself. The dress revealing enough of her generous cleavage to speed up your heart. Her eyes watch you, and though she doesn’t glare at you like the others, she looks wholly disappointed.

Now you really wish you hadn’t boned yourself over, a strip competition between these three, the thought almost gives you a heart attack. “Hey Emprah…” You start to ask, but he shakes his head at you.

“You are a far out dude, Max, but you’ve made your bed and you’re going to have to sleep in it. All I can tell you is that those three are close knit, don’t expect it to be easy to win them back. They were all really excited about meeting you too…”

With that, the Emperor heads off to a bar containing every drink to have ever existed. You can’t blame the guy, you did screw it up for yourself. He was bro enough to set you up with a chance of a lifetime, not his fault you frittered it away. You aren’t going to give up though, thoughts of jiggling daemonette bits getting thrown around in your face. You will win these three over, you are just going to have to be one smooth ass operator. As you approach the table, the three girls stare at you even harder. You can almost feel the dislike emanating from each of them. This isn’t going to be easy. You clear your throat.

“Ladies…” You begin. “Jackass.” The loli interrupts you. You sigh and take a seat across from them, their glares don’t let up. “I deserve that, I know. Trying to kill you like that was… Underhanded, at best.” They don’t seem to care, but you’re not finished yet. “I hadn’t ever seen a daemon until just a few short days ago, and the first time I did, well… It was nothing too pleasant. I had a lot of friends in that unit, some guys I had practically grown up with. They were my friends, my brothers, and they are all dead now, those daemonettes didn’t show them any kind of mercy.”

Your voice chokes up a bit. You aren’t just trying to pull this off, this shit be sincere yo. You hadn’t told anyone this stuff yet, and though it feels good to let it out, it’s painful to relive. The daemonette’s faces relax a bit, their eyes growing perhaps a bit softer, as they listen to your story. “I mean, my best friend was out there. Douglas Tannar, met him in basic training. Dude saved my life on more than one occasion, he was one of the toughest mother fuckers I’ve ever met. He… He got ripped to pieces right in front of me, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.” You bite your lip, suddenly feeling like being here a whole lot less. “You know what, I’m sorry, I’m not going to screw up your night. You girls have a fun time…” You stand up and start to walk away, deep in thought.

Until a small hand grabs the back of your uniform lightly. It’s the littlest daemonette, and she’s looking you right in the eyes, no longer glaring. “It’s ok, I forgive you.” She says quietly, before blushing and turning back to sip her drink. “So, what do you suggest we do?” The Khornette asks, stirring her cocktail which looks disturbingly like blood. “I’ll let you girls figure it out, I don’t really know and to be honest I don’t know if I deserve to choose.” The three damonettes look between each other, as though they can communicate without words. You watch for a minute as their expressions change, maybe they really can?

Finally the Nurglette leans back and turns to you. “Well, we’ve decided to give you another shot, and we might even continue with our earlier… Plan. But there’s a catch.” A catch? You don’t know if you like where this is going. “We’ll give you such a sight your mortal eyes might well leap from your head in pleasure, but first, you have to put on a show for us.” The three get up and grab onto you, leading you away from the party into a private room. The lounge is empty save for you four, and they close the door behind you. Velvety seats sit in front of a stage illuminated by faint red lights. Three stripper poles standing erect, dead center. “Well, go on than, whelp. ENTERTAIN ME!” The Khornette grunts, giving you a shove toward the stage. What is it they want you to do, exactly? Shit, you don’t know.

“Dun-nun-nun-na NA NA NA NA!” You begin to sing as you start the magic show. Out of a pocket in your threads, you pull out a pack of cards and start shuffling. “Dun-nuh-nah nah, NAH NAH NA NAH NAH NAH NA NAH NAH NAH NA NAH NAH NAH NA NAH NAH NAH NA NAH!” You being shuffling the cards furiously, the three girls staring up at you with “what the fuck am I watching” faces. “Dah nah na nah na NAH!” You suddenly throw the cards with a snap of your fingers. The deck flies out right at the girls. The cards cutting the straps of their clothes…

And their dresses fall to the floor around their feet. “POOF!” You yell.

The three girls just stand there, faces a mixture of shock and awe. Cards litter the floor. Oh Emprah. Dem underwears. The girls each blush hard, clearly having been caught completely off guard. Tzeentch is raging from her position at the other end of the party, shredding her paper which reads “Plan”. The Khornette is wearing a black lace set, complete with garterbelt. You notice she has a push-up bra, and her tits are slightly smaller than you had expected, a c maybe? Is she perhaps self conscious? Maybe with good reason, when you take a look at the Nurglette. Her underwear is far more girly. Pink and more modest, though her bra struggles mightily it can’t completely contain those massive daemonic gifts. It is alarmingly cute. The loli is in matching purple panties and bra, each with a printed symbol of Slaanesh on them. She is trying awkwardly to cover herself though. “Ta-dah!”

“Hmph, I’m not going to let you have the last laugh. Prepare yourself, human, for your mind to be melted.” The Khornette snaps as she pushes you off the stage. “Oh my, you have some very skilled hands there. Perhaps you can introduce them to me later, more… personally.” The Nurglette coos as she runs her hand down one of the poles. “It was… A nice trick.” The loli shrugs. Oh yeah, time for this show to begin. You can barely contain your anticipation. More multicolored stage lights flip on and an unseen daemonic dj drops a fresh beat. The Khornette wastes no time and begins grinding her ass into the pole as she rips her bra down and makes aggressive suggestive movements with her tongue. The Nurglette is a bit more modest, and starts off by flipping upside-down and spinning slowly as she slides down the pole. The loli looks you right in the eye as she grips the pole hard and close to her body, and begins licking it. Their dancing continues, growing ever more intense, each one of them slowly stripping off their remaining garments. Slowly, each of them staring right in your eyes, they walk down to you. Blood rushing from your head, they all take a seat on your lap. “Time to pick your date…” The Nurglette whispers in your ear before giving it a little nibble. “I just can’t decide, it’s too hard of a choice.” You finally concede. The three look at each other, communicating silently again.

They finally turn back to you, finished with their silent communiqué. “Well, it can’t be helped I guess. You’ll just have to take all three of us.” Khornette says, swirling a finger around on your pants. You gulp. While the thought of having not one, but THREE of these girls all up on your junk is exciting, realizing how difficult the task will be to pleasure them all later is daunting. The three girls put their underwear back on, making sure you get a nice show of it. The amount of ass and titties in your face is obscene. You love it. They repair their dresses with a bit of daemonic power and put them back on as well, before finally grabbing you by the arm. “Time to party!” The loli shouts. “The Emprah’s work is never finished.” You fist pump.


The Emperor downs another pitcher of his favorite beer as he laughs at Typhus’s Ork joke. That dude is seriously a comedy gold mine. “Ah damn, gotta drain the “psycher”, be right back.” He says, slapping Typhus on the back, who turns to tell Slaanesh one about a Tech-priest walking into a bar. He stumbles a bit as he makes his way to the little gods room, finally relieving himself. “Oh Terrah, that’s better…” Suddenly, the lights go out. “What in my name?” He mutters, spinning around. Tzeentch is standing there in all her glory. …Holding her head as she looks at the ground, completely lost on what to do next. “Emperor… I…” She stammers. He looks at her quizzically. “Ohhhh… Screw the plan!” She shouts, throwing herself at him.

"Tzeentch, what are you..." The Emperor stammers, as he looks down at the red-faced chaos goddess. "Quiet, you fool! Don't ruin this..." She says, before working to strip off his armor. The Emperor is a bit stunned as he takes in the sight. "Ugh, this is so hard to remove." Tzeentch grinds her teeth as she pulls at his codpiece. "It's... Its my first time, so be gentle, ok?" The raven goddess says quietly, face burning. Slowly, she lowers her queen of change toward his golden throne... "So...So good!" Tzeentch yells as she thrusts the Emperor's holy sword into her void of chaos. "I feel the warp overtaking me, it is a good feeling!". He shouts as her hands grab his hips.


"Oh... Max...." She moans softly as a finger slips inside her wet psycherpot. "Ha...Hah!..." She is on her knees now, and grabs one of her firm breasts. Esh knows this is completely taboo, but she can't stop now, imagining your tongue violating her chastity. But than imaginary you flips her around so her ass is now in full view. "W-wait! You cant lick that spot mon-aaahhhh!" Too late, your tongue begins to lick her dark eldar, and she squirms as she tries to hide her pleasure. Esh's fingers are moving furiously now, grinding into her most secret places. Her hips are bucking and jumping slightly, and she bites her own arm to mask the obscene moans she cant believe she's making. "Max! No! I'm... I'm going to...!" Esh's hips give out under the overwhelming pleasure and she flattens against the ground. Her fingers slow, now slick with her own juice. She let's out a satisfied sigh. "Wah? What did I... What did I just do?" She ponders to herself in between pants. "There's no way I like that stupid mon-keigh... It's not even possible...". She finally manages to sit up and make herself decent again. "Still... Maybe I should give him a call..." She says quietly, looking down at her communicator.

Thread 5: TRIPLE HERESY[edit]

Three lovely daemonettes in tow, each still a bit worked up after their strip-off, you head back into the main room. The party has intensified tremendously. There are even more daemonettes of all shapes, colors and sizes dancing inside cages lifted above the party-goers below. A few of them make some cat-calls in your direction, and the three daemons you are with grip you even harder, hissing at the cage strippers. Nurgle is getting absolutely plastered on some vile looking green drink, which bubbles and steams disturbingly. Isha, holding him by the arm, is trying to get the big guy to slow down but failing because a witty little nurgling is cracking her up with Eldar jokes. Slaanesh is in a line-for-line competition with Doomrider, each of them already snorting piles the size of your head in a single go. Each of them complete with no less than twenty assorted daemonettes each pleasuring them and getting blasted with purple daemon baby batter in turn. Neither of them seem to notice though. Khorne, already completely sloshed, is swinging his chain axe at a potted plant while going back and forth between howling madly and bawling his eyes out. As for Tzeentch and the Emprah, you don’t see either of them. Strange… Well, you aren’t going to let it bother you. It isn’t every day you have horny bitches clinging to you. Oh wait, yes it is.

The girls lead you over to a bar where a Keeper of Secrets is tending, slapping down some truly bizarre concoctions. Most of which, you are pretty sure extend far into DO NOT WANT territory. There is something very unnerving about a drink with pink flailing tentacles, though many of the daemonettes seem to be enjoying said drink as it… Well… Enjoys them. Each of your three girls take a turn ordering what they were drinking earlier; bitches have favorites you guess. Finally the greater daemon looks at you expectantly. “Uhh...” You mumble, stalling for time. “I’ll take a glass of Emprah’s Mark, over rocks…” You finally decide. The greater daemon looks at you like you had just ordered an extra sweet pink lemonade margarita or something, but reluctantly fixes your drink. You take a sip, the whisky goes down smooth. Doesn’t taste any different from what you remembered either. Hopefully full of chaos tricks, you think to yourself, as you watch a light turquoise daemonette being throat violated by her own drink. The four of you make your way to an empty table, the three girls crowding around you on the booth seat. “So uh, ladies. I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced yet. My name’s Max Decarus. Now what names do you fine girls have?” You ask, trying to put your best pimp cane forward. “Lilith!” The slaaenesh loli yells before the other two can speak. “Ugh… Little brat… I’m Kaleshi.” The khornette growls. “My name is Nyx, hun.” The nurglette smiles at you. “Nice to meet you all.” You say before taking another drink.

The three girls look between each other again. This is too coincidental, they have to be talking to each other somehow. “Well Max,” Keleshi finally turns back to you. “What is it you feel like doing?” “Uhh, you girls want to go dance?” You ask, gesturing with a thumb over to the floor. The stage is massive, sprawling. You could fit several baneblades on that stage. A plethora of colored lights flash and pulse as the music blares. “But Lilith doesn’t know HOW to dance!” The little daemonette protests. “You’ll be fine, dear.” Nyx assures her. You feel a flutter in your stomach as they take you in hand and lead you over to the massive mob of dancing daemonettes and various warp entities. The last time you danced was at your guardsman graduation ceremony. Your last dance being with a very large and very angry ogryn girl who gave you the choice of a dance or being clubbed in the head, dragged to her bunk, and snu snued roughly all night. You had chosen to dance. Suddenly, the terrifying hulk of Khorne himself lurches in front of you and you stop, dead in your tracks. “ARE YOU HAVING FUN MY SWEET LITTLE SKULL FLOWER?!” He roars, smashing a chair into dust which than ignites and flames out into ash. Kaleshi smiles at him before jumping up and planting a little kiss on his cheek. “I’M HAVING A GREAT TIME!” She yells back at him. With that, the god looks you over, nods as though he doesn’t have much of a choice, and wanders off to find more “BOOZE FOR THE BOOZE GOD!” “…Wait, I thought you guys were sisters?” You ask, very confused now. “Well we are, silly. See, technically daemonettes are made when a chaos god eja…” You hold up a hand, cutting Nyx off. “On second thought, don’t really want to know the details.” The four of you finally make it to the dance floor, which you step on with a bit of a trepidation. Well, here goes nothing…

The beat is dropping, lasers are soaring above you through a haze of fog. You swallow hard, why are you more nervous now than when you were staring fucking ABBADON in the face as you charged him with a sword? Alright man, gotta play it smooth here. Is all you can keep telling yourself. You aren’t forced to show your hand, however, as your three dates take the lead for you. This is almost too much fun to believe. Dancing had never been something you had sought out, but nothing you shied away from either. But now, with these three eagerly swaying and grinding on you… The music stops, the lights stop, the lasers stop. The crowd hovers on the silence, expectantly. With overwhelming force it restarts as noise marines pop out of the ground near the DJ and start playing along with the music. “YOU KNOW, UNDER NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES, YOUR BRAIN WOULD MELT FROM THAT SOUND!” Kaleshi cheers happily as she jumps onto you, wrapping her legs around your waist, and leaning until she is upside-down. Nyx is grinding hard on your leg, her eyes closed in bliss as she dances. She looks like she is really enjoying herself. Lilith, meanwhile, has taken to flailing around madly. Other dancers have to back out of her way as she thrashes and kicks around the dance floor, giggling excitedly. You are getting a bit taken with the music now, the crowd, the noise. Now you really start letting yourself loosen up as you grab the two older sisters and dance with them. They both look happy you finally came around. “I’MMA LET YOU NOISE MARINES FINISH, BUT ITS TIME TO SLOW THIS FUCKER DOWN A BIT!” The DJ, a massive unclean one with a shirt reading “Sir Ulric vun Decay” yells over the mic.

“Hah!” Nyx says, wiping off her face as best she can. “I need to go cool off a bit, it’s way too hot out here.” And with that, she leaves you alone with the khornette, who’s eyes turn to you. “Guess it’s just us…” You shrug. “…mmm…” She barely answers, biting her bottom lip and looking away. You didn’t know a khornette could blush, her cheeks glowing an even darker red. Its… Pretty damn cute, you are forced to admit. “Shall we?” You ask, holding out your right hand to her. Kaleshi looks at it with uncertainty, before lowering her head and refusing to make eye contact. She mumbles something. “Pardon?” “I… I don’t know how.” She finally answers, blushing even harder. “Don’t worry, I won’t let you look bad.” You smile sincerely and take her by the hand.

With ample hesitation, she follows you. Gathering as much smoothness as you can muster you place your hands on her waist and show her where to put hers. She does so, but still adamantly refuses to look you in the eyes. The song is slow, but sweet rather than mournful. You don’t think too hard on it, nor the crowd around you. Your gaze is fixed firmly on the now shy khornette who killed you but several hours ago. And you are enjoying every second of it. So wrapped up are you, that you don’t even notice as the crowd backs off around you, leaving just you and her alone on the massive dance floor. “Hah! Hey Max, we’re the only ones dancing!” Kaleshi exclaims, trembling as she looks around to the crowd who is watching you two. “Don’t worry about them, just loosen up and have some fun.” You tell her, though in the back of your mind panic bells are sounding and the Admiral is demanding status reports. Finally, her eyes move up from their focal point of boring through your chest, and meet your own. She looks terrified, but maybe a bit happy too? You lead her though the whole song, dancing as best as you know how. Sir Decay dabs his eyes with a soggy brown cloth and a noise marine looks at him, puzzled. “It’s just fucking beautiful, man.” He answers as he turns back to watch you and Kaleshi dance. After what seems like an eternity, a new song fades in and one by one the crowd rejoins you. Kaleshi sighs heavily in relief. “That was, without a doubt, the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done.” She admits as she grabs your hand and leads you over to the closest bar, ordering herself the same drink as earlier with the addition of ice. “You did really well.” You tell her. “Hmmm…” Is all she says in response. A minute or so goes by as she rapidly sucks down the drink. “Well, I’m going to go find those other two idiots and get cleaned up a bit. Here.” She says, thrusting something into your hands. “Be there in an hour.” And with that, she disappears out of sight. You look down and open your hand. Resting in your palm is what appears to be a room key, etched with glowing demonic letters that reads “Suite 66”. Well, looks like you have an hour to bun.

Before you can decide what to do, you feel a heavy gauntlet land on your shoulder. “STOP RIGHT THERE IMPERIAL SCUMMMMM!!!!!!” Doomrider’s flaming head lowers into view, grinning madly. “Doomrider! My man!” You shout, as he bro-fists you. The drug fiend biker takes the seat next to you, and lights up what looks like a cigarette. “So, how goes it? Looks like you and the blood god’s kid had some fun out there.” He leans back as he takes a slow draw. “Yeah, she’s actually a lot sweeter than you would think.” You can’t help but grin as you think about it. “Glad to hear you’re having a good time. I beat that fucker Slaanesh and he’s dodging me because he refuses to pay up on the bet.” Wait the fuck out, is Doomrider being chill as fuck right now? “Hey Doomrider, you aren’t normally this chill, what gives?” You ask, taking a sip of another whiskey. Doomrider exhales, a cloud of vibrant green smoke rising from his teeth. “Yeah, purified Eldar souls.” He says, holding out the joint. “Want to give it a try?” “…Well… It isn’t every day you get a chance to try something like that.” You admit, accepting the glowing purple j. With a bit of hesitation, you slowly inhale.

The voices of ten thousand Eldar crying out in tremendous pain fills every inch of your mind. All of your senses blank out, it feels like you are spinning at a million miles an hour. Suddenly you are perched atop a landraider as it hits a hill and goes roaring up, flying into the air. “ITS YOUR ONE WAY TICKET TO MIDNIGHT! CALL IT! HEAVY METAL!!!” You sail about the galaxy on the tank, vibrant colors flashing and spinning all around you. Just as quickly as it began, so does it end. “Dude WHAT?” Doomrider grins. “Pretty crazy shit right?” “Yeah…” You admit. Your head feels very strange, somehow… More perceptive?

“Did that… Do something to me?” You ask, a bit afraid as it feels as though your mind has begun to stretch. Doomrider shrugs as he takes another drag. “No idea, no human’s ever done Eldar before.” “…Right…” Still, the feeling isn’t a BAD one, just very different. “I’m not going to die though, am I?” Doomrider looks over and laughs at your question, shaking his head and barely managing to take another hit. “You’re in here already, aren’t you man? Quit freaking out, everything will be cool.” You are staring very intently at the glass in front of you, making sure you have a firm grasp on reality… Though you admit, you aren’t sure if the warp counts as reality. Your body lurches as you sneeze unexpectedly. The glass in front of you shatters into pieces without having been touched. Doomrider cracks up, shaking from the laughter so hard he fucks up and starts coughing up plumes of green. What did that stuff DO?

“SLAANESH YOU FUCK! GET BACK HERE AND GIVE ME MY RAPE HANDS!” Doomrider screams and summons his motorcycle, roaring off in pursuit of the pleasure god, leaving you alone. The bartender looks at you dubiously as he cleans up your mess and sets another drink down in front of you, which you quickly down. You glance at the clock, half an hour has passed by. Imagining your good luck, as you turn over the room key in your hand, gives you a bit of your bearings back. Yeah you may have just inhaled a couple thousand psychers, but it probably won’t have any lasting and far reaching consequences… You can’t even assure yourself about that, as you explode the glass again. The bartender looks at you, and you get the feeling it's time to go. You've got about fifteen until you have to go find the room. You spend the time in a bathroom doing your best to get cleaned up a bit yourself. You notice you have got quite the start of a beard going on.

Fuck it, you are still a soldier after all. Hell, you give yourself a brazillian. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!” You shout into the mirror. A khorne berserker leans back from a urinal to give you a weird look. Ignoring him, you towel off and slap on some after shave. You are pretty tense at the thought of what is about to happen. You’ve never been with three girls at the same time, let alone three daemonettes. How long does a daemonette even last in bed? Can you even sate one of their thirsts let alone three? Shaking your head, you give yourself a pep talk in your head. “Cmon kid, you can do this shit, just remember everything I’ve taught you.” Creed says as he sprays some water in your mouth, his beady eyes fixed on your opponents. Looking over at the other side of the ring, three daemonettes all dancing around, mocking you.

  • Ding ding*

You fist pump, you can do this shit. The card slides into the box on the door, and there is a faint click and a red symbol of khorne changes over to a green nurgle one. With a quick push, you enter the room and shut the door behind you. “Oh…My…Emprah…”

The three daemonettes are lounging around in their underwear, their hair still a bit damp, clearly they have all been in the shower. Each of them is staring right at you. “Oh? Lost the beard did you, shame. Though you do look, statuesque.” Nyx coos as she flips over onto her stomach, rotating one of her feet in the air. “Nice of you to join us.” Kaleshi says coolly from her seat on the bed. You notice she’s tried to boost her boobs even more and has done up her hair stylishly. Lilith is too busy playing vidya on the hologram to do anything but mutter something incoherent. Your heart is pumping furiously and the phallic object has awoken from his nap and grabbed its power sword, facing the daemons with the weapon bared right at them. “Oh!” Nyx exclaims when she sees it, faking embarrassment as she puts a hand to her cheek. Well, it isn’t fair to be the only one wearing their party garb. You strip off your suit until you’re wearing nothing but your golden boxers that shine in the sensual lighting. The hat stays too. “Ladies, who’s ready for their punishment first?” You manage, crossing your arms and ignoring the phallic object who is shaking and sputtering like a mad kroot tied to a tree. The three girls all look at each other again, you know they are discussing silently amongst themselves.

“It’s my turn first!” Lilith shouts, shoving the other two aside as she leaps at you. Two feet to the chest and you are knocked onto your back, landing hard on the bed. The eager little daemonette rips off your boxers and freezes, staring intently at your power sword. You watch as she gets close to it, looking it over as though it were some kind of scientific experiment. Her tongue reaches out slowly, and she gives it a lick. Its blatantly obvious, as she increases her licking and kissing, that she doesn’t really know what she’s doing. But the innocence is a massive turn on. Lilith takes as much as she can, which admittedly is more than you thought she would be able to, and starts going to town on it. You look down at her and notice she is obviously enjoying it, likely driven by some innate primal desire, but enjoying it nonetheless. She slurps as her mouth finally releases you, and the little daemonette crawls up until she’s hovering over you. Her face contorts in a mix of pleasure and pain as she lowers herself slowly, your power sword piercing her frontal armor with a STR10 attack. “Ahhh… So good…” She moans and before you know it, she’s rapidly picking up the pace. The tightness is beyond comprehension, and it quickly has you at the edge. Lilith puts her arms around you as you sit up and grab her hips to help her out. She’s panting heavily in your ear as she grinds herself around. “Ngh!” You feel her tense up suddenly than become instantly and incredibly relaxed. “Haaaah…” She moans, sinking down. Before you know it, she’s asleep. Leaving your phallic object very worked up and cranky. “Hmm, looks as though it’s my turn already.” Nyx smiles as she lifts the limp little daemon off of you and sets her on the rooms other bed.

Nyx pushes you back down to the bed as she unhinges her bra and lets her massive gifts of nurgle out for you to see. They are quite glorious. She gives you a bit of a show as she bends over and slowly pulls off her panties, revealing the heresy underneath. Nyx sees you watching intently and giggles. “Don’t worry Commissar, I won’t leave you so indisposed.” She lays down on the bed and pulls you over on top of her. Still wet and worked up from the appetizer, the phallic object dives into the main course. Though not as innocently tight as her sister, she is still beyond what you had expected. Completely not according to plan, she yelps in pain. “Huh?” You freeze, worried you really screwed something up. Nyx blushes and runs her fingers lightly along your back. “Sorry…” She mumbles, “It’s my first time.” You keep going as she pulls you closer, making sure to take it easy on her this time. You had always expected a nurglette to be dripping, disgusting, and smelly, but none of those is the case. Nyx makes sweet little noises as you slowly start to increase your speed, you can feel her starting to pull you in faster and faster. Her nails dig into you a bit and she stares into your eyes. She looks incredible, and very happy. “Oh Max…” She groans, closing her eyes. You catch the signal and thrust harder and faster. Nyx is pushing herself up into you now, and one of her hands reaches behind her head and grabs the sheet. “I-I’m…!” But she doesn’t have time to finish before you feel her insides pulsate and her back arches in delight. She stays like that for several seconds, before lowering herself back onto the bed with a satisfied sigh. “You're turn.” She says coyly, before pushing you out mischievously.

“My turn.” You answer, flipping her over onto her knees and ramming yourself home. She yells out startled, but doesn’t protest. You grab hold of her luscious ass as you drive your sword as deeply into the void as you can. The world around you is faded out and you can feel the warp overtaking you. With one last slam you give into chaos, sending your marines into the very center of evil. Forgetting to ask about the consequences you rapid fire your plasma cannon. Nyx continues working the gun until it stops shooting. “Hey… Nyx?” You ask, now a bit worried. “Don’t worry about it.” She eases your fears, “I'll make sure to name him after you.” Him? Well that’s good to hear. You suddenly realize you don’t see Kaleshi anymore…

“BY KHORNE, WHY AREN’T WE FUCKING YET!?” Kaleshi shoves Nyx to the side with a bare foot. Maybe she isn’t all rage and hate, you think to yourself, as you notice her finger and toe nails are painted yellow. Honestly, that is kind of cute. She grabs you and shoves you into a chair. “You had better not screw this up for me, mortal.” She says as she drops down to her knees. She is looking right in your eyes as she grabs a hold of your plasma cannon, which is getting hot again. Oh Emprah is it getting hot. Your phallic object, though intrigued at the prospect of investigating the perils of the warp, is a bit unnerved at the khornette’s fangs. You can’t blame him really, one hit from those ignores all saves. Though there isn’t much time to think about it before she drives herself all the way down to your hips, your two little squigs getting an introduction to her chin. This is way different than anything you’ve experienced before. Her tongue lashes at you violently, but it’s smooth and wet so the feeling is beyond words. You have quickly forgotten about her teeth, as you haven’t felt a single fan scrape your power armor. Her mouth is hot, matching her temperament, but it isn’t unpleasant in the least. Instinctively your hand moves down to her bobbing head and you run your fingers through her blinding white hair. It turns a bit strange when you bump up against one of her horns, and she stops to look at you quizzically. “Don’t… don’t touch those.” She mumbles through the side of her mouth. Her pace quickens and your phallic object is struggling against all the powers of chaos which are attempting to force him to press the “exterminatus” button, but he refuses to give in, though he can’t hold out much longer under such a brutal attack. Kaleshi looks up at you, one eye closed from the strain of her pace and the depth of your power weapown. “Fuah!” She releases you, spit oozing down her lip in a long strand. “Now it’s time for some real fun!” She says excitedly. The khornette smirks at you, and you can’t help but smile back. She giggles cutely as she reaches under the chair, and pulls out a thin obsidian looking knife. With one quick slash, she separates your phallic object and his two servo skulls from their flagship.

Your mind replays it again and again, over and over as nanoseconds tick by. The scene vivid but unreal in your head. There’s no way, that didn't actually happen. Can’t be. You don’t feel any pain, true, but looking down… Yep, it’s definitely not there. Only there isn’t some gaping wound either, just flat nothingness, as if there had never truly been anything there to begin with. Stranger still, as the khornette grins maliciously and licks the tip of your severed goods… You can still feel everything. You spasm in your chair as Kaleshi thrusts your sword to its hilt yet again, she can barely keep one eye open as she struggles to bury it ever deeper. Despite the horror of the situation, you are still on the verge of losing your heresy juice. “Hah!” She says victoriously as she withdraws it from her mouth. “I knew you were ready to blow early, and I’m far from finished with you, human. This way, you can’t climax until I feel merciful enough to let you!” With that, she plops down on all fours and turns so her ass faces you. Smooth, firm, you would normally appreciate this view. Under circumstances where you hadn’t just been “cut off” as it were. The khornette takes your bolter in hand, still dripping from her oral assault, and plunges it into her warp. “Wha!” You can’t stop yourself as you convulse in pleasure. The sensations somehow flowing into you despite the… Separation anxiety.

If Kaleshi’s mouth was hot, her sweet daemon hole is burning. Despite the rough and tumble front she puts on, her body is soft and pleasant, especially the inside. The red skinned warp girl starts moaning quietly, her face against the chaos-star patterned floor, as she works your very confused but very aroused phallic object, grinding him around inside of her. “Ahh… This is so much better than just doing it myself, the other girls were right.” She stops, abruptly, and turns her head to look at you. Her eyes are wide and her face is quite in shock. “Didn’t mean to say that out loud?” You inquire, trying to put up a brave front despite your current predicament. The khornette’s face regains its angry demeanor, but she can’t hide her flush cheeks. “Stupid mortal, I was being kind to you earlier, but now… NO MERCY!” Your back arches and you cry out as she plunges you back in as hard and deep as she can fit it. This feeling… You can even feel your little sacs of love slapping into her juicy ass as the khornette ravages herself, her hips getting into the motion and actually pushing back to meet each thrust. She isn’t making any effort to stifle her moans now, and the lewd yet somehow innocent sounds make the fact you literally cannot pull the trigger all the more frustrating. You can tell Kaleshi is getting close to her limit now, her eyes clamped shut and her breath shallow and fast as she uses you as quickly as her hand allows.

She stands up quickly, backs up to you, and plops down on your lap. There is a faint red glow and a hiss, and you suddenly find yourself whole again. Thank the Emprah, that was fucking terrifying. You get the hint and grapple her back onto the ground. She growls at you as she lays on her stomach, looking up at you menacingly, but you know she’s enjoying it. “RAAAAAAHHH…~ahhh~!” She cries out of the blue and grabs another chair leg before winging the whole thing across the room where it shatters against the wall. Daemonic warp energy sparks and crackles across the floor, knocking pictures off of the wall and tipping over a dresser. She’s breathing heavily and looks very flustered now. “Did you just…” “I did.” She snaps before you can finish. Well, whatever, you aren’t done yet. In the chaos you seem to have come disengaged from assault, so you move back to go into BtB combat. You thrust your power weapown forward, ignoring all armor saves this time. Suddenly Kahleshi jumps and yells in surprise, arching her back and whipping her head around to look back at you. Her face a mixture of shock and horror. You look down and quickly realize your mistake. “Surprise!”

…She doesn’t seem amused. Not that it matters, your already finished, and you fall back onto the floor, exhausted. “You didn’t…” She asks. “I DID.” “Ugh… Gross.” Kaleshi sighs in what you think is mock annoyance. The dirty deed done and the fun times winding down, the girls let you shower off first, despite your protests. After which, they kick you out so they can get cleaned up, telling you to be back in another hour. You step back into the party, now severely diminished. Doomrider is chatting up what two daemonettes, while still looking around, Slaanesh must have escaped. Taking the seat next to him as the daemonettes leave to go back to the dance floor, you down a whole Nidade in one gulp. “HAD YOUR FUN DID YOU?!” Doomrider asks, back to his usual self as he helps himself to seven needles of some strange glowing blue concoction. “Can’t say I didn’t.” You respond, reaching for another drink. “SO MORTAL, DID YOU DECIDE ON A DATE YET?” He cackles madly. “…Date?” “SURELY YOU JEST, EVERYONE KNOWS A MORTAL BEDDING A DAEMONETTE IS AN OLD SCHOOL MARRIAGE PROPOSAL.” You drop the blue sports drink, as your jaw hits the floor.

Thread 6: TSUNSEER[edit]

“I’m not joking, don’t call me shirly, and are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?” Doomrider laughs and shrugs before his motorcycle appears underneath him and he goes screaming away on it. Well shit.

The walk back to suite 66 seems as though it takes an eternity. The daemonettes dancing around and having fun now appear slightly less carefree, as though you’ve discovered some terrible ulterior motive. Your hands tremble a bit as you fish out the key and it takes you several attempts to fit it in the right way to unlock the door. Kaleshi looks up from a Sudoku book as you enter. She’s wearing a small pair of glasses and has a pen sticking out of the corner of her mouth. You never thought a daemonette, let alone a khornette, would play Sudoku of all things. Nyx and Lilith are asleep on the other bed. Though you don’t really care about any of that right now.



“Are we… Engaged?”

The khornette raises one eyebrow, stares at you for several uncomfortable seconds, than sighs. She sets down her book, marking her place with a miniature chaos banner. You follow her as she grabs your hand and leads you out of the room into the quiet hallway. “What is all of this now?” She asks, arms folded and an incredulous look on her face. “Uhh… Well Doomrider told m…” Kaleshi snorts, interrupting you. “Doomrider? You believed Doomrider of all daemons? Never thought he’d get some pleasure out of screwing with you a bit?” You feel a bit relieved at her words, and let yourself laugh a little. “Yeah I guess I didn’t think that one through, did I?” Kaleshi shrugs. “Well he didn’t outright lie to you though.” “Pardon?” Kaleshi sighs again, heavily, before looking away from you so her silvery white hair obscures her face. “Would… Would it be that much of a problem? If we were…?” She starts playing with a strand of her hair nervously. You pause. This is something you hadn’t really thought about. Would it be too terrible, life with three daemonette waifus? “I hadn’t really thought it over. I don’t really think I would mind.” Kaleshi giggles, and turns back to you with a wide smile. “Well that bit of daemon law is ancient and no longer actually binding. Besides, if you even want a SHOT at me, you’re going to have to court the fuck out of me first.” The awkward silence between you two is broken as the Emprah walks around the corner and waves.

“Yo, Max! Time to get you back into your mortal, fleshy self again before time runs out.”

You turn back to Kaleshi, who plants a kiss on your cheek. “Have fun, and here’s the personal communicator for the three of us.” “Daemons have personal communicators?” You ask, pretty surprised.


“>not having a personal communicator”

Kaleshi responds with a very strange face…

“Alright Emprah, I’m ready for the teleport now.” The Emperor laughs, slapping you on the back.

“Too much chaos interference to do that right now, don’t want you waking up with tentacle arms or something. No no, we’re going to have to ride on out far enough to do it.” “We’re going to do what?” You ask, not liking the sound of it.

“Surf, Max. We’re going to surf the warp.”

With a final goodbye to your favorite little Khornette, you follow the Emperor as he leads you around. Your mind is blown as he takes you out onto the stern of what is actually a massive ship. This party has been on one massive boat this whole time. The scene outside the ship only furthers your downright terror at what the Emperor told you moments ago.

“Oh man, you have no idea how STOKED I am to do this!” He sings as he pulls two surf boards from a closet.

You manage to peer a bit more over the edge and swallow hard. Purplish warp-ness flowing all around you, swirling and moving in maddening ways. Your body is not ready for this. What was that large glass box that just sailed past with two guys in it? Fuck, you don't know. “Uhm, Emprah. I don’t mean to sound doubtful in your own awesomeness, but this may well stretch beyond my realm of abilities…” The Emperor looks up from gazing into the warp giddily. He doesn’t appear to have heard you.

“Grab that board dude, time to get ready. This party made Slaanesh generate some kind of huge pleasure swell and that’s what we’re going to surf on out of here.”

With shaking hands you pick up the board he left for you, a red and black one with the emblem of the Admech on it. Your mind is spinning. There is no way you can do this, what happens if you fall? What happens if the Emprah leaves you behind? Too many questions, no answers, no time.


The Emperor shouts as he jumps off the back of the ship, shoving his own board underneath his feet. Well, if you don’t go now, he WILL leave you behind. Nothing could have ever prepared you for this, you are probably going to die. Those are the only two thoughts you manage to have before you leap out into the void, clumsily trying to fit your own board underneath you. You can see the Emperor beneath you, who appears to be falling slowly and gazing back for the massive wave that is HOLY FUCKING GOLDEN THRONE IT’S RIGHT GOD DAMN BATMAN BEHIND YOU! “OH FUUUUUUU EMPRAH!!!!” The glowing vorpal wave of pleasure rockets you forward and sends you spinning end over end, holding onto your board for dear life.

“Yeah man! Show that wave who’s Emperor! Make that wave your BITCH!”

The Emperor cheers you on, completely oblivious it seems to your plight. It takes everything you have, but you manage to right yourself until you are again standing on the board. This doesn’t make the ride any less terrifying. Still, you relax just slightly when the Emprah himself glides up to ten feet or so to your right. The look on his face one of absolute joy. Well at least he’s having fun… “Hey Emprah! How long until you can do that teleport thingy or whatever to put me back in my real body?” You shout over to him. The Emperor turns his head and looks back at the ship which is growing ever smaller behind you.

“Bout tree fiddy!” He yells back.

What by the C’tan does that even MEAN!? You don’t have much time to dwell on it, as the Emperor banks hard on the wave. Not wanting to be separated, you do your best to mimic him and follow along. That is, until you slip and fall into the massive wave right beneath you.

Unfathomable pleasure washes over you, pure pleasure. The feeling beyond words. Almost enough to make you release your death grip you have on your board above you.


You struggle to pull yourself back onto your board, gasping for air. Not that any of this makes any sense, air in the warp, seriously? It takes everything you’ve got to stand back up again, knees shaking. Thankfully the Emperor is right beside you again, though he doesn’t seem concerned.

“Knew you would make it bro!” He laughs happily, clearly enjoying every second of his time on a board.

“This has been the most bizarre and terrifying ride of my life. Are we far enough for the colors and the warping?” You ask, ready to be back on dry land again.

“Few things I’ve got to tell you before that.” The Emperor says, his face becoming serious.

“We had a talk about what I wanted you to accomplish, but I’ll have to get back to you on when and how to get that ball rolling… I ran into some… Uhh… Complications with Tzeentch…” He fumbles his words, looking distant for a moment.

“You got strange with that chaos goddess, didn’t you?” The Emperor sighs, than shrugs.

“According to Nurgle she’s been infatuated with me for a few millennia now and just didn’t know how to approach me, couldn’t work up the courage.”

You let him leave it at that. “It’s been a… Radical ride, dude.” You tell him.

“Yeah man, you’re a pretty awesome dude. Oh, by the way, I can’t save you from death again.”


“Yeah you know dude, can’t let it change your character and all that. Plus the next time I do you would probably fail a perils of the warp roll and self destruct or something. We will talk again though. SHAZAM!”

You wake up suddenly, jolting upright, and slamming your head into the rear hatch of the Chimera. Your head is still ringing from the impact, you hit that door fucking hard. With a groan you rub your poor forehead, but the ringing doesn’t subside. Wait, that’s your personal communicator. It’s a bit of a struggle to find which pocket it’s in, your head does still hurt after all. “Hello?”


The volume causes your device’s speaker to screech in protest and you hold it at arm’s length from your head. You can still hear a flurry of words, many of which you believe to be a foreign language. The screaming subsides briefly and you venture a bit closer to your own mic. “…Esh?”


“Uhh… Well…”

“Um, Its quite a bit to explain… You see…” You give her a brief summary of the events that transpired, carefully leaving out the bits about banging three daughters of chaos gods. A minute goes by of silence, you aren’t really sure what drove you to tell her the whole story. Even you have to admit, you will be lucky if there isn’t an Eldar hit team out after you now. “…Still there?” You ask quietly. “So let me get this straight. Not only did you consort with that vile Slaanesh… THING. But you accepted and actually smoked the souls of THOUSANDS of my people?” Yeah, she’s probably going to have you killed. You don’t know how to answer that. She doesn’t say anything more either.

“…Max… That’s so…” Aww shit, here it comes. “That’s so… Selfless.”

Wait, did you just hear that right? You press your device as close as you can to your ear. Is Esh… Crying? “I mean, to take it on your own shoulders to save all those poor Eldar from being consumed by that hell… Knowing full well the consequences… That was so brave.” This is Eldar trickery, has to be. “Yeah well, couldn’t let Slaanesh have those souls if there was something I could do about it… I guess?” Esh bursts into sobs and you can hear her frantically moving stuff around in the background. “You alright?” You inquire. “D-Do you want to come over… For dinner?” She asks finally. “Umm… Yes?”

“GREAT!” Esh yells, no longer in tears. “Uhh… Hah… Give me like half an hour to get ready. I’ll send a warp spider to pick you up.”

And with that, she hangs up. You waste your time flipping through that discarded Admechgirl magazine. Some of those enhancements, wow. Can she really? With those? Oh Emprah. Suddenly, a warp spider pops into your view.



He grabs you, and suddenly you are standing on the inside of an Eldar ship. Esh’s grin of pure malevolent evil staring you right in the face as she eagerly sharpens the tip of her spear.

“Aww shit.”

“Ha ha.” She beins to laugh slowly, quietly. “Ha ha ha ha…” Raising her spear and pointing it right at your chest. “Listen Esh, I can explain…” You barely manage to leap out of the way as the spear thrusts through the space occupied by your heart barely a second ago. “EXPLAIN!?! YOU CAN… EXPPLLLAAIIINNN?!?!?!” You are ducking, dipping, dodging and ducking to avoid the repeated thrusts, unable to get a word in lest you catch one through the gut. “YOU KNOW DAMN WELL, IDIOT MON-KEIGH, WHAT YOU WERE DOING!” A fateful jap catches you finally, you should have known you weren't agile enough to dodge an Eldar's attacks forever.


Helena sighs from her perch on her Leman Russ "noboyzallowed". It's a hot day, and even in her very minimalist bikini she's sweating. "Hey Helena, Admech says they can get our main gun back up and running but it's going to take a day." Helena smiles at her best friend Sarah. "No problem, we don't have anything much to do today anyways."

Sarah nods. "Hey, how's that stupid brother of yours doing?" Helena's smile fades. "I... I don't know. He was sending letters pretty regularly but we haven't heard from him at all in a while..."

Sarah sighs as she flips through the schematic booklet "Your Lemon Russ and You: 574 Ways You Can Still Serve the Emperor But Make It a Bit Easier On Yourself." "You know him, he probably got drunk and fucked the nearest officer or something retarded like that." Helena laughs, but it isn't sincere.

"RAAAAA!!! You infernal machine spirit, accept this part damn you!" The Tech-priest working on the tank suddenly shouts, slamming his wrench into the tank repeatedly. "Yo! Gearhead! Easy on the goods!" Sarah shouts down at him.

"BY THE OMNISSIAH YOU WILL TAKE THIS SENSOR AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!" He shoves the part in and the tank finally relents, a red light changing to a green. Helena laughs, Frederick's antics having grown on her a bit since meeting him.

The Eldar's blade nicks your shoulder just enough to draw a faint line of blood. You know you can’t keep this up forever, but the stabs are becoming slower, less passionate, until they finally cease. Esh looks at you solemnly.

“You may have not known what you were doing, and your intentions were surely misguided at best, but you did save those souls from a fate… Indescribable. And for that I’ll spare you, at least for today.” She sets her spear aside and sighs. “Honestly, I leave you alone for a while and you end up dead and in the warp. You really are just a helpless stupid mon-keigh after all.” You crouch there, on the floor of what you think is an Eldar ship or something, unsure of what to do next. “So you aren’t going to kill me?” Esh grabs you by the collar and throttles you back and forth. “Not today but the next time you do something like that I won’t be nice enough to stop myself!” She lets you go and before you know it, she’s got you in a tight hug. “I was really worried about you… Idiot mon-keigh…” A nearby Eldar, an older one from the looks of it, coughs quietly into his fist. “Mistress, your dinner?” Esh jumps to her feet and grabs her head. “Ahh! I forgot it was still in the wraithoven!” She grabs your hand and before you know it you are being pulled in a full on sprint through winding hallways, past more Eldar who look a bit shocked at the human in their midst.

A young hot-shot looking Eldar stops Esh in his tracks. “Whoa babe, where you and that… uh… animal headed off to?” He asks, slyly trying to put his hand around her. Is this fag trying to move in on your bitch? He best be not moving in on your bitch. Before you can unleash the fury of the pimp hand, Esh kicks him. Right in his nuts. The blonde haired playboy’s face contorts in pain and he falls to the ground, clutching his gonads. “I already told you I have no interest, quit trying!” Esh kicks him in the stomach before stepping on him and leading you past. Once inside what you can only assume is an Eldar kitchen she hurridly rips open what must be the wraithoven and checks on what looks like a pie. “Oh thank the gods, it’s fine.” She sighs in relief and closes the oven back up. “Did you… Hug me earlier?” You finally get a chance to ask. Esh jumps in surprise as color drains from her face. She turns back to you, cheeks quickly becoming pink than red. “I-I-I did n-no such thing! Stupid mon-keigh!” You grin, this is so worth it. “Really? That felt like a hug. What do you use on your hair? It smells lovely.” You don’t have time to dodge the pan to the face, which startles you more than it hurts as it knocks you to the ground. “STUIPD MON-KEIGH IT WASN’T A HUG! GAHHH!” She punches a cabinet so hard it dents inward.

“Pretty sure it was a hug.” You continue, unwilling to relent. “AHHHHHHHHHH!” Esh grabs a pot of boiling something and stands above you, face blazing in embarrassed fury. You put your hands up, as though they would do anything. This might do more than sting a little. But when you peel one eye open to look back at his, Esh sighs and sets down the dish. “So it was a hug. You should be grateful I blessed your life with such an event, surely the high point of its dullness.” Well you can be satisfied you got her to admit to it, at least for now.

“Anyways, what have you got cooking?” You ask, leaning over her shoulder to look at what’s in the pot. Esh’s mind is stuttering, she’s so close to you now. “Do those lips taste as good his mind?” she wonders to herself. You look down, noticing Esh staring intently straight at your mouth. “Uhh… Esh?” She catches herself and spins around, pretending to be occupied by a sizzling wok-like thing. As much fun as you are having with Esh at the moment, trolling her hard and all that, the food smells so good you can barely stop yourself from ripping into it.

Esh looks back at you. “Hey, mon-keigh, you are DROOLING.” You put your jaw back into place, senses still fixed on the delicious food before you. Esh uses what you assume has to be some kind of Eldar cooking fork to gather up a little ball of what appears to be some kind of noodle-onion-meat dish. “You… You can try it if you want…” She says, still not looking at you as she holds out the food. Slowly you lean in to take a bite, watching her intently for any sign of Eldar trickery. The closer you get, the harder she blushes. You bite down and slowly back away, her eyes turn to follow you. This taste… Dear Emprah this taste. “So… Good…” Is all you can manage, your taste buds are busy in a full blown fiesta. “Hola mister Max, thank you very much for da food senior!” Esh is now locked right on you, watching your expression with wide eyes. “It’s probably the best thing I’ve ever tasted.” You see her smile giddily before catching herself and regaining her cool composure. “Yeah well, you haven’t even tried the pie yet.”

“Really? Does it taste as good as MY MIND?” Esh’s face becomes ashen at your words, and her mouth is agape as though she’s struggling to find something to say, having been caught completely off guard. “Yeah, I can pick up on some things now. At least a bit.” You admit, your new power is fun but very confusing and completely unreliable. It seems like proximity might have something to do with it, because you could only sense her thoughts when you were very close to her. Esh picks up a knife and her neck cracks as it tilts to the side, her eyes now alight with glowing white energy. “I’m going to kill you now.” She says flatly.

But as she swings the knife down you catch her hand and with your other arm pull her in close to you. The blade falls from her grasp and clatters noisily to the floor. She looks up, staring into your eyes as you hold her there, neither of you moving. “…Max…” She says quietly as you slowly bring your face closer to hers. Your lips are mere millimeters apart, and you feel Esh jump slightly as your minds collide. “HAHAHA MON-KEIGH KISSER! MON-KEIGH KISSSSERRRRR!!!!” A little Eldar in farseer garb, no taller than your waist is running in circles around the table as she joyfully repeats herself. “YOU LITTLE TWERP, GRAAAHHHH!!!” Esh’s eyes flash and the little Eldar is sent flying out of the room with one last “MON-KEIGH KISSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!” Esh furiously slams the door and begins stirring her personal recipe stew in a fit of rage. Wait, did she really want you to kiss her? Eyeing the wall of hanging knives mere inches from her, you aren’t sure if it’s a good idea to press the subject. “Take a seat, it’s almost ready.” Esh says without looking back at you.

You pull out a chair and sit down.

Only you miss and, arms wind milling madly, fall face first onto the cold tile. Esh looks back at you in disgusted awe, as if she really can’t believe what she’s seeing. “Uhh, missed it I guess…” Your face is burning, how the fuck did you fail that hard at sitting down? How have you managed to go from cool and suave to looking like a complete retard within minutes of each other. “Whatever you have to tell yourself…” Esh turns back to her cooking, shaking her head in disbelief. Still, you aren’t going to let the fact that you are still rolling when completely unprompted, which only ever results in terrible, terrible things, get to you.

The food smells absolutely decadent, you’ve got a cute farseer cooking it for you, and you actually think you might have had some fun surfing with the Emporah earlier, despite the close call. Yeah, today is a pretty good way. Esh looks like she’s found some kind of grove, humming to herself quietly as she adds a dash of one thing and a sprinkle of another. “Dude I can’t take this anymore” You're stomach groans.

“Shut up man, at least you know you have a guaranteed thing here!” Your phallic object responds.

Esh finally decides it’s all ready and starts moving everything over to the table. You can’t contain yourself any longer, and you reach out to snatch up one of those Eldar biscuits, the kind she gave to you the first time. A ladle raps you hard on the knuckles.

“A proper gentleman always waits until the lady sits down first.” She says, though her anger seems faked. Her eyes unable to conceal the pride in her work and her excitement in sharing it with you.

The wait is killing you, but you don’t try any funny business as you watch her finish the setup. She moves around the table to you and takes your plate, dishing out a generous heap of everything onto it. You can’t help but smile as you watch her, completely in her element it seems. Esh catches you staring out of the corner of her eye and turns away from you, her flowing red hair slightly obstructing her face but not hiding her faint smile.

“D-Don’t stare at me like that, it’s, it's, it's, its, its.” She serves herself before taking the seat opposite you, not very far away on such a small table. Both of you chow down, Esh eating properly and daintily, you kinda just fork-lifting heaping forkfuls of the food into your joyous mouth. “Oh man, this is simply THE BEST.” Your stomach sighs happily. “Ah well, at least I can see up her skirt from down here.” The curious phallic object responds. “Black lace with a pink bow, things might be looking up after all.” Suddenly, you can’t breathe. Your face goes white as you frantically struggle, choking on something. Esh takes several seconds to realize what is going on, but with surprising speed she has you in a Heimlich. It takes a few pumps, but you finally shoot out a whole meatball. It soars brilliantly straight down into a bowl of soup, which splashes all over Esh’s face. “Gods damn it, mon-keigh…”

Esh sighs as she surveys herself, one of her favorite outfits and much of her hair now covered in chunky soup. “Err… Really sorry about that…” Fuck, you would wreck this for yourself. She tries to clean herself up with a napkin, but it just isn’t cutting it.

“I kinda figured you would ruin this…” She unhappily drops the napkin. “I’m going to go wash off and change. Enjoy your meal alone, I guess.”

She leaves before you can say anything. Man, do you feel like a douche now.

“Arrrgghhh!!!” You grab your head. “I can’t just eat without apologizing!” So with that, you leap up and run after her.

Only you aren’t exactly sure what way she went. Several minutes pass of your “Hey uh, did you see a farseer go by here, bout this tall and covered in soup?” before you finally figure out which room is hers. It takes you just as long to discern how the door mechanism works, a series of buttons and a touch screen thing. You finally punch it in frustration and it answers “passcode accepted”, though you don’t know this because you don’t speak Eldar. You walk in to the dark room, which is incredibly tidy. Well, except for the pile of clothes that Esh was just wearing. “Oh no. No no no.”

Too late, another door in the room opens and your fate is pretty much sealed. Esh stands there, fully outlined in the light beyond. She’s still dripping wet, and frozen in place, the towel against one side of her face. You can see everything, perky pink nips, smooth grassless field, everything.

“I’m going to die now, aren’t I?”

“Painfully so.”

You tense up as she builds up speed for a running death-kick which will surely knock your face through the back of your skull. She’s going so fast, in fact, that she doesn’t notice the clothes on the floor. “Huh?!” She trips, stumbles, but can’t regain her balance. You are thrown backwards as the naked Farseer crashes into you, both of you tumbling end over end across the dark room. Finally both of you skid to a stop, and it looks like you’ve managed to come out on top. Esh is trembling, wide eyed, and has her arms around you. Neither of you move for what feels like a very long time. Throwing caution to the wind, you lower your face and plant a kiss on those tender pink lips. “HA HA, MON KEIGH KISSERRRRRR!” The little Eldar yells from the open doorway.

MEANWHILE (again)[edit]

Frederick looks up from his work, sneakily.

Helena sits there in full view, glorious tits resting on the tank as she listens to some music and tans. He's always had a thing for her. Ever since he started fixing up their tank. This, despite all of his friends telling him she is clearly a gear-eater with no interest in his piston of love. Frederick sighs heavily as he tightens a bolt. For now, he will probably just have to be content with watching her in all her giggling, strawberry blonde beauty. "Whats wrong Mekboy?" Helena suddenly calls down to him. Fredrick, startled, looks back up.

"Err, nothing. Tank is just being stubborn, is all." He wrings his wrench nervously. Helena laughs and re-ties her top before sitting up, which causes those tantalizing flesh orbs to bounce all over the place. "Well you want to take a break and go grab some chow with me?" She asks, swinging her feet idly as she sits on the barrel.

"You? And... Me?" Frederick asks quietly.

"Yeah, Sarah is passed out."

Frederick is happy but lost as he follows Helena to wherever she is taking him. Clearly not the mess hall. The Omnissiah has blessed him this day, maybe he will get a chance to try out his twelve speed servo-actuated cyborghood someday after all. Helena shifts the pack of food to her other shoulder. "Cmon iron man, we're going to miss it!"

Helena stops at a cliffside, overlooking the vast ocean beyond. "Yeah, this is the spot." She sets down her bag and pulls out the food she managed to rustle up. Not standard guardsman rations, good stuff from the town nearby.

She and Frederick watch the sunset as they devour the various cheeses and bread. Its much better than more rations, Frederick thinks to himself. Especially since he gets to eat it with her. The sun drops finally below the horizon, and Helena sits back with a satisfied sigh. "That was a lot of fun."

Helena turns and smiles at him before looking up toward the emerging stars. "I thought so too."

"By the way, don't believe those rumors about me being a lesbian." Frederick turns to her, hope invigorating his heart.


"Nah, bisexual."

Thread 7: NO... NO... NEEDS MORE HERESY[edit]

Esh leaps quickly to her feet and grabs the little Eldar making all the racket. “YOU LITTLE BRAT I WILL END YOU!”

Esh grabs her head and applies just enough of a mind blast to render the little farseer unconscious. Once out cold, she chucks the kid back through the open door and slams it shut. Thankfully it doesn’t look like there was anyone else around. “Did you mean that… J-just now?” She stammers.

“Yeah.” You answer but you are a little preoccupied trying to curb the blood oozing from your upper back. You must have fallen on something pointy. The tsunseer turns around to face you, covering herself as best she can. “Umm… Do you mind?”

Oops, you turn and face the wall to give her some privacy. It does nothing to stop your thoughts of that delicious Eldar changing just feet behind you. “H-hey, you can turn around now.”

You do, and grab your chest at the sight. Esh put something on all right, a small pink camisole and nothing else. Her brow furrows as she notices you still holding your wound. “That looks like it could use some attention.” She takes you by the hand and starts leading you to the bathroom. You could protest and mumble about misunderstandings while completely ignoring her feelings, but this is nothing like your east Terra cartoons and you are not a dismal faggot.

Once inside, you let Esh strip off your shirt. She brushes into you while in the process and your phallic object flinches and peers out into the battle space, but remains seated. “It’s no good, we are going to have to clean it or it could get infected.” And with that, she pushes you up and into what you discern from the wet floor, to be a very spacious shower. “There probably aren’t any clothes here that would fit you, so take those off as well.” Esh mumbles before turning around.

“…Cant you still see me in that mirror?” Esh jumps, her face flush.

“I-I wasn’t going to watch! Honestly… Y-you stupid mon-keigh…” She says that, but you can tell she’s still peeking. Well whatever, it’s not like you mind really. You strip off the rest of your uniform, trying your best to give her a good view without making it obvious. Finally nude, you turn and face the opposite wall. Something falls lightly to the floor and the water starts gushing from a head.

A delicate hand runs over the fresh cut. “D-does it still hurt?” Esh asks quietly.

“Nah, never really did.” Her hand begins to lightly trace your various and numerous bruises and scars.

“…It looks like you get pretty beat up…” She muses as her hand stops at a particularly large scar on your left thigh.

“Almost lost my leg to an Ork, and no one ever said pimpin be easy. I am still human, after all.” She doesn’t seem to get your ancient Terra culture reference.

“I’ve probably… Been too hard on you as well.” The two of you remain silent as you let her clean off your cut. She sprays it with something, which stings enough to make you cringe.

“Quit being such a baby, that will make it heal faster.” You let her keep doing what she’s doing, Eldar medicine is probably more advanced than what your team has got. Those massive syringes and “medical application chainswords”, you shudder slightly at the memories.

Esh pushes you onto a stool and washes your hair for you. It’s pretty different, but you have to admit it does feel good. “You are good at this…” You tell her.

Esh smiles faintly, you can feel happiness and sadness at the same time. Though it could just be that you know jack dick about your new acquired powers really. “I learned from my older sister, she used to do this for me…” You don’t press the issue, if she wanted to tell you more she would.

But that isn’t what you are thinking about at the moment. Unable to contain yourself any longer, you grab her wrist lightly and turn around, pulling Esh into a steamy embrace. “Wa-wait.” She stammers, but you can tell she doesn’t really mean it.

You trap her hands above her head as you push her into the shower wall. With your other hand you raise her face to meet your own, and despite her wide panicked eyes you can tell she wants this. The two of you kiss finally, and her body tenses at the sensation. It goes entirely in the face of her life’s path, but she can’t help herself.

Though when you start to run your hand down her side, your mind is suddenly penetrated by very vivid images. In the first, you and Esh sit on a plush looking couch onboard what you guess is an Imperial ship. Both of you laugh along with the Emperor as he lets his kid swing from his outstretched arm. In the second vision though…

Esh stands alone as your body is laid to rest in a simple but peaceful ceremony. Tears stream down her face, ostracized by her people and with not a friend in the universe.

Two hands push you back slightly as Esh comes back into focus. “You saw something… Didn’t you…?”

You don’t answer her, you don’t have to. “Besides,” she starts, “Do you have any idea how screwed we both would be if we did… uhmm… stuff, on this ship?”

You pause, you hadn’t really thought about that. “Now you get it. Everyone onboard is psychic at least to some extent, if we did something here, they would ALL pick up on it.”

While it isn’t any fun to stop yourself, wet and willing beautiful Eldar in front of you and all, the thought of every Eldar young and old watching with their minds as you do the nasty… Not something you are down for. Both of you towel off and get dressed. Esh leaves for a minute and brings back some of the food she made earlier. You enjoy the food as both of you eat, without a whole lot of conversation. “You should probably get going now…” She finally admits.

You kinda figured, she probably is already catching a lot of flak for having a human aboard. “…B-but if you want to go on a date… if you want to go have fun or something sometime, just give me a call…”

“Alright, I’ll call you when I figure out something to do for a date on this abysmal planet.” She doesn’t snap back with her usually witty retort. One snap crackle and pop later, you are back on Yagis V. You still can’t get those visions out of your head…

Dark Eldar… You know only what you have read in your tome of standard Imperial Literature, as well as what you were taught in training. Quite a bizarre race, and certainly far flung from their Eldar ancestors. They are probably the fastest creatures in the universe, and from accounts of their gladiatorial games the Wych’s are a whole new level of deadly.

They drink souls to stay young and avoid their own souls being devoured by a chaos god they helped create. Famous pirates and mercenaries, it is said no Imperial man has seen the inside of one of their ships and lived to tell the tale. Well, that's what rumor was anyways. To be perfectly honest, they didn't teach you a whole lot other than "Run!" "Shoot!" "Praise the Emprah!!!".

All the more reason to be downright terrified. You were fast asleep when they found you, such easy prey. Two gruff and weathered ones had you disarmed and bound before you could draw your sword. They even now cackle and prod at you, ensuring you of horrific torture to come, before shoving a black bag over your head. After docking with a larger skiff, the soldiers haul you out, while you still struggle against your bonds. You are flung unceremoniously into what you think is a dimly lit room and land with a dull thud, face down.

“Ku ku ku, should we just kill him now? I am so thirsty dear sister.”

“Fu fu fu, maybe we should have some fun with him first, father did provide us with some new toys…”

The voices, though debating the time for your soul’s fate as food and whether or not to torture you first, are beyond beautiful. They make even the finest music of the Imperium sound like the death throes of a grot. You can’t fuck a voice, but you would be willing to try with these two. You speak up to tell them off, because having your soul devoured would kind of mess with your feng shui, but it just comes out as a muffled “Mmmrph mrrrrr mphhhh!” Four delicate, soft hands lift you to your feet.

“What is your name, little human?” The two voices ask in unison, you are fairly sure your ears just had an orgasm.

“My name is Maximus Aurillius Decarus, soldier of the Yagis V guard, Commisar of the 101st Cadia, loyal servant to the true Emprah. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, and I will have my vengeance in this life or the next.”

The hood is pulled off and you blink at the blinding light. But no, it isn’t a blinding light. Your eyes are in fact fixated on flawless pale skin, and quite a bit of it. The pair before you are unmistakably twins, though each sports a different variation of the same skimpy dress. Smooth, silky black hair falls to the small of the back of one, while her sister has long black twintails held together by emerald green baubles. Their breasts, though not massive, are large and seductively perky, and each of them has a very defined thin waist and shapely hips.

“Hmm, I think just Maximus will do.”

“Yes yes, just Maximus.”

The two Dark Eldar whisper this to you, one pair of dead sexy lips brushing lightly against each ear. Your body shudders uncontrollably from the pleasure, clearly not prepared, and you inadvertently let out a soft moan. “Not so tough are we now, silly silly boy?” They again say in unison, and you fall to your knees, powerless against their angelic voices.

They look down at you, clearly reveling in your weakness. “Though we must admit, no mortal can stand against us and hope to win, we…”

“The Succubus Twins.” The other twin finishes for her sister.

The pleasure in your head is unbearable, and you have achieved a level of hardness that would put ceremite to shame. Still, you don’t want to be tortured and endure having your soul ripped from you and devoured. There is clearly only one option.

You take a deep breath, gathering all your strength for this very moment. “FUS… ROH DAH!!!!!!!!!!!”

The air crackles with psyonic energy as you focus all of your power. Honestly though, you really have no idea how to. Despite that, the twins are thrown back into a pile of pillows. You can’t believe that actually worked, holy fuck! Still, you don’t have time to bask in the awesome as you sprint toward your equipment.

Until a clawed hand snatches you by the arm and lifts you into the air. A malicious smile greets you as the Archon looks you over. “An… Interesting capture, to be sure.” He laughs, but the tone is cold.

“He’s ours!” The twins shout, leaping back to their feet and baring their teeth.

“Know your place, little girls!” The Archon snaps back, before glaring back at you.

“Just for that, we shall see how he fares in the arena.” The blow to the head knocks you out cold…

“Wake up, boy…”

You don’t move, your head still feels like it’s been cracked in half. A bucket of cold water splashes you in the face and you jolt upright, swinging angrily. “Easy there, save it for the arena. You might at least die a warrior’s death.”

The Dark Eldar before you doesn’t look like the others, all young and beautiful. He is old, you can tell that much. Weathered, wrinkled face and beady black eyes. “I’m no enemy of yours boy, just the ferryman who is seeing you through the path to the afterlife. If your gods grant you one, anyways.”

You look around the room cautiously, it appears to be some kind of armory. The old man pulls you to your feet and looks you over curiously. “You know, you might just be the right height…” He mumbles as he lifts your arms around and nods to himself.

He pulls you over to a bench, and you can’t quite believe what’s laying there before you. It’s a suit of power armor, albeit a very old one. The pieces are mismatched and almost none of the colors are the same, you honestly don’t think that it could still be functional. “We captured that a long time ago, but we don’t get many humans down here. Go on, try his on.”

He gives you a light push forward. Well, it might be worth a shot. It takes you several minutes to start putting the armor on, watching the Sororita undress helped a bit in your understanding but the whole ordeal is still pretty complicated. The old Dark Eldar helps you out with it when you ask, though he knows as little as you do.

“There!” He slaps you on the back as both of you stare into a dusty and cracked mirror. “Looks good as new!” The suit looks the exact opposite of new, and you look very awkward in it. It is a bit surprising how well it fits though, and you guess it wasn’t pieced together from ex-astartes gear. Rich traders, members of the Inquisition, shit you don’t really know the first thing about power armor.

“Well, ok, it may not be pretty.” The old man laughs, “But it might give you a few extra minutes of life.” You turn around in the bulky armor, though you feel as light as you did in your commissar digs, which have unfortunately gone missing.

“Thanks for this old man.” You tell him. His small smile quickly fades. “Don’t thank me lad, poor boy like you deserves to see a prettier face before death.”

“Have you ever seen someone come out alive?” He looks solemnly at your question, shaking his head.

“In your position? Never a soul.” Two guards enter and start pushing you roughly toward a large steel door.

“Go to your gods with dignity, my friend!” The old man calls after you. The door falls open with a loud crash and you are shoved forward. Alien sand crunches underneath as you stumble out into the roaring crowd beyond.

You look up into the stands, scanning the faces beyond. Cruel, evil faces for the most part. Though you do spot the twins from earlier, neither of whom look in the least bit pleased at your current predicament. The Archon stands up and raises his hands for silence. “Brothers and sisters!” He calls out, “It is with a sad heart that this pitiful being before you is all that was caught in the last raid. But fear not, for you shall bear witness as the monsters of this world bleed him dry!”

With that, he grabs a rusted old chainsword and pitches it down toward you. The relic lands at your feet with a clatter, you are surprised it’s tired old metal was able to withstand the fall. “You!” You shout, pointing the sword up at the Archon. He gestures to himself mockingly. “I want my hat back.”

He sneers at you before reaching to a table on his left and picking up your hat. Which he places on his own head. You don’t have time for anything else before the gate across from you falls open… And at least five four meter tall spider-looking things come whizzing into the arena.

You barely have time to power up the chainsword before one of the beasts is on top of you. It knocks you to the ground with two of its spindly legs, and presses closer for the kill. The creatures six mandibles work madly as it attempts to bring it’s fangs to bear. You can barely hold it away with one of your feet. You notice another one of the things moving in at you from behind, you don’t have much time to react. Putting everything you’ve got into the swing, you lash out with your chainsword and it connects with the creature’s face. The teeth dig in and cut a nasty gash which spews orange blood from inside the black chitin. The beast screeches furiously as it backs up, two of its mandibles hanging by strands.

The other beast overshoots you and you thrust the sword upwards into its belly. Your chainsword roars in protest at cutting through the hard body, but the momentum of the spider carries it right through. You are splattered and soaked in nasty orange goop and guts as the beast slams hard into the arena wall and curls up. These things are fast, but you don’t think they are very smart. You quickly regain your defensive stance as you turn to face the other four, who now stalk around you in a circle, weary at seeing one of their own killed and another wounded. The injured one sulks near the gate it entered from, empty eyes following your movements.

Something washes over you, and for once it isn’t panic or dread. Its confidence. You can win this fight, you just have to be smart about it.

You may not be the most intelligent dude, hell, you may not even be above average. But you do know one thing, running at these things head on would be downright retarded. As you rev your chainsword you notice that the creatures seem to shy away at the sound, or perhaps the vibration, you can’t be sure. Surely this can be used to your advantage…

You walk toward a small gap between two of them as you rev your sword and wave it around ahead of you. Just as predicted, two of them break off and scuttle around to your left, leaving the other one alone. The creature senses it’s been backed into a corner and with deadly speed rushes out at you. But you’ve been waiting for that. As it opens it’s horrible maw you thrust your arm forward, burying the sword into the foul monster’s head. A plume of orange and green spray erupts as you drive the weapan to it’s hilt. The creature wavers slightly, before crashing onto it’s underbelly.

You are glad to have the armor’s strength enhancements as you wrench the sword back out, which surely you could not have done otherwise. The other two spiders don’t seem to shy away from the sound of your sword now. Stupid beasts as they are, they recognize that it got one of their own killed. That same trick won’t work twice…

You start to focus your mind. You got it to work once, that was a piece of cake right? Summoning your power you direct it out toward one of the last remaining spiders. The creature shrieks and curls into a ball at the feeling of overwhelming pressure pressing in from all sides.

With a pop, the beast collapses, blood and organs oozing from its every orifice. The sight is pretty disgusting, but that isn’t what’s bothering you. Your own head is ringing madly and your vision is blurry. Some kind of side effect from using your power? Maybe you can get Esh to teach you how to use it better, if you ever get out of here alive. Sensing your sudden weakness, the wounded spider leaps to its spindly legs and rushes at you. Though you manage to whirl around just in time and strike, one of its massive fangs pierces your left pauldron and pain erupts through your shoulder.

The crowd, which had been howling furiously at your success, now laughs and cheers at your pain. You are far from down and out, but pain is slowly beginning to spread outward from the piercing wound. You’ve never seen these things before, and have no idea if they are poisonous or if it’s just your body’s reaction to the attack.

Still, only two left now. You turn and face them with your chainsword, but collapse to a knee as the pain intensifies. The creatures follow your movement carefully, and one slowly and tentatively begins stalking toward you. You let it get closer and closer, you have the pain under control now, but this could well earn you the element of surprise.

Yet you wait, biding your time until you can feel the beasts hot breath on your face and hear it’s clicking mandibles practically on your head. With a single arcing slash you separate it’s head from the rest of it, and leap back to avoid the torrent of gushing liquids that follow. The Archon pounds his fist on the arm of his chair and curses angrily.

You now face the last remaining spider, it’s mandibles clicking and wriggling madly as it watches you. It must have decided to press the attack, because without warning it charges right at you. Jumping to the side you swing your sword, cutting through its legs one by one as they fly past.

With a horrible cry the monster skids to a stop and attempts to rise, but finds itself unable. One last thrust of your chainsword into the beast’s head, and you find yourself the last man standing in this bloodbath. The crowd is buzzing with hate now, chucking bits of food and rock at you. Still, you stand tall and raise your sword arm triumphantly. Despite this, the fact that you can barely move your left arm is cause for great concern.

The Archon stands once again, holding his arms out to quiet the crowd, which takes a minute or so. His voice fills the now silent arena, and you get a very bad feeling in your gut. “So the weakling has a bit of fight in him it would seem!” He looks about the crowd as he yells.

“Yet these pitiful dumb beasts can be bested by even our children. Come now, friends, and watch as a true champion of terror rends his flesh from bone. I give you, the pride of the swarm!” A massive gate falls forward and a ear shattering roar echoes forth. Stepping out from the dark into the sunlight beyond it’s cage. A carnifex peers at you hungrily.

You can only stare in disbelief. “By the Emprah…” You whisper to yourself as the Carnifex fully steps into the arena. The beast is enormous, impossibly enormous.

The chainsword, though covered in the blood and guts of the slain spiders, now feels ridiculously weak. You doubt it can even injure let alone kill this foul xeno monstrosity. You know your armor will likely do nothing to stop one of those massive scythed blades from easily slicing you in twain. The crowd is laughing at you now. Laughing at the pitiful guardsman who thought he was king of the world and now gawks in terror at their arena’s king monster. Those two twins you met earlier, however, have vanished from their seats.

“Maximus!” You hear them cry out in tandem and you whirl around to look behind you. A power axe whirls through the air before sinking blade first into the sand beside you. It’s rusted and abused frame still courses with power despite its clearly outdated pattern.

Well, at least that’s something… You plant the chainsword into the sand, thanking it for its service and having done its best in saving your life.

Picking up the axe, you can feel the power rushing through you, renewing your vigor. “Alright bug, let us see what you are made of.” You utter, before dropping back into a stance copied from your favorite space marine movies. Has to be close to a real battle stance, you hope. Your left arm is still working enough to use the axe, for now at least.

You throw caution to the wind, and sprint head on toward the towering ‘nid. Using the armor’s strength you leap into the air toward its head, axe raised above your own as you ready yourself for as powerful of a hack as you can manage. Soaring through the air, you can’t dodge the massive claw that swings toward you.

With a pained grunt you feel it collide with you, and you are pitched backwards until you hit the arena wall. Warning klaxons sound inside your armor and you are pretty sure you have at least several broken ribs. Every pained gasp for air has you clutching at your side as you slide down the slight curve of the wall and collapse in the sand. You can hear the crowd above laughing at you again, but that’s in the back of your mind. The fact that you can barely breathe is a bit more of a concern. Powerless to stop it, the Carnifex reaches down and picks you up in one of its massive claws. It holds you up to its soulless eyes as it ponders whether to eat you or just rip you to pieces for fun.

You can do little more than hang there, limp, and watch. The closer you get to the beast, the more you can feel it’s mind pressing into yours. You can see the creature’s thoughts now, or what passes as a ‘nids thoughts anyways. It hates little things, all little things. The whips and the chains that they bring, starvation. It’s lonely here.

As the beast brings you closer now, having decided it will in fact not eat you, you reach out an armored hand and rest it on the Carnifex’s head. Poison coursing through your veins, barely able to breathe, you go limp as your mind drifts off to remember better days gone byebye.

The Archon watches with glee as you draw ever closer and closer to your demise. He laughs at your futility as you put your hand on his pet’s head. But his laughter quickly fades as he continues watching. The Carnifex pauses, holding you close to it’s mouth. For a long minute it doesn’t move, the arena dead silent at the sight.

The crowd erupts into whispers as the beast slowly lowers your body down to the arena sand, before setting you there and watching, eyes fixated on the little thing before it. The Archon leaps from his seat suddenly, fury boiling over. “You wretched breast! You disgusting abomination! I’ve kept you alive all these long years and you shall do as I command!”

The Archon jumps down from his personal box into the sand below, spitting madly as he curses the Carnifex. “Kill him you dumb animal! KILL HIM!”

But the Carnifex only looks back at him, none sure if it can actually comprehend. “Then die as your wretched kin did, I shall slay him myself.” The Archon raises his personal gun and the shot pierces the Carnifex through its head. The beast falters, before swaying and falling backward.

Almost foaming at the mouth, the Archon grabs you roughly and lifts you to your feet. You were busy talking to your sister, or so you thought. Now, you can only see his burning eyes as he sets you down. “It’s time to end this you pathetic mortal. You may have tricked my beastie, but I shall end you myself.”

He pulls out his sword and clocks you alongside the head with the flat of it. You reel backwards, clutching at your head, no longer in a daze. Both your hands feel numb with pain now, as does most of your chest and it’s beginning to seep into your legs. Your vision is cloudy and it seems like your mind only faintly even know what’s going on. “You can’t do this, Archon.”

“He’s bested the creature, death is not his fate.” You can hear two sweet voices in the background, though everything is so quiet now.

“Hmph, than you can die along with your animal lover you wretched virgin cunts!” Eyes barely open, ears ringing and barely functioning at all, you watch the battle unfold before you. The twins are fast with their swords, but then again, so is the Archon. You can’t even follow it all, the speed so fast and your body so tired. The Archon now seems to have come out ahead, as he disarms them both and snatches each of them by an arm and lifts them above his head. He cackles madly as he raises the sword in triumph, the two girls struggling valiantly but unable to escape. Your body is too tired to react, you can’t even move. All of you is numb now, so numb and so exhausted...

Still, if you are truly destined for death her, today, you aren’t going to pass on quietly into the void. Your muscles tremble as you try to lift the axe, which feels like you may as well be trying to lift a titan by its foot. Damn it Max, come on. You strain as hard as you can, fighting through the numb and the pain and the weakness. Inch by inch, you heft the axe, the Archon too busy crowing over his soon to be victory to notice. Breath comes in ragged gasps, darkness moving in ever further on the edges of your vision. Finally, by sheer will alone, you are poised to strike. “Hey ahshole…”

The Archon turns to you, but you don’t give him time to react. “That’s my fucking hat.”

The axe cleaves him through his shoulder, cutting down through his body as though it offered no more resistance than butter. You drop the axe and it plants itself once again into the sand, a fresh coating of blood adorning it’s now gleaming blade. Finally giving out, your body collapses. The last thing you can see is the twins rushing toward you, now free… But this wretched beeping won’t cease.

“By Terran herself, shut that damnable thing off, whatever it is.” You remark to the darkness, "Just because I'm dead again doesn't mean you chaos gods have to be dicks about it." But the beeping continues it’s even pace, and unable to move, there isn’t a damn thing you can really do about it.

“Hush now, you were lucky to make it through there night.” You hear a voice from far off.

“So I’m not dead then? Banging those thirty or so nids was all a dream?” A giggle, or maybe two of them.

“I’m afraid so, dear Maximus.”

“That would explain why my everything hurts.”

You try to open your eyes, but a finger on each lid stops you. “It’s another day’s rest for you at the very least.” One of the twins chides you. Well whatever, who are you to argue?

You finally awaken again, feeling enormously better this time, though you are starving. Still, despite the numbness through your limbs, you find you are still unable to rise.

Opening your eyes, you tilt your head as much as you can on the pillow, looking down to see if something has you pinned or you are paralyzed. “Aww fuck, it looks like it’s a wheelchair for me.”

But then you notice two large lumps on either side of your body, hidden by the white sheet. Figuring it’s worth a try, you slowly try to use your mind to pull down the cover.

Though it takes ages, you finally reveal what lies beneath. Or rather, whom. Snoozing quietly on either side of you, heads resting on your chest, the Succubus twins sleep soundly. You sigh as you rest your head again. “ Not the worst morning I’ve had.”

Thread 8: "IT'S TIME" "TIME FOR WHAT?" "HERESY"[edit]

“Ladies, I don’t mean to interrupt, but I really need to pee.” Two weary-eyed Succubi rise from your chest, wiping at their faces tiredly.

You groan, your body is so sore it makes breathing a pain. Rising in the bed is difficult, everything is stiff and protesting any kind of movement. “Go easy on yourself, Maximus, you did almost die you know.”

“Yeah yeah, also Max is fine.”

The twins look at each other.





Okay now they are just playing around. You don’t care as you finally reach what you assume is a Dark Eldar toilet.

“Hey, that’s not a… ah… too late.” The twins protest. At this point, you don’t care, you REALLY had to pee.

“We should have shown the bathroom to him earlier, Senna.”

“Shut up Senda, I know that.”

You finally finish, feeling at least relieved. It’s a small thing, but it seems to take away half of your ache. “So that’s you two then is it? Senna and Senda? Fuck me, that won’t get confusing or anything.”

The two girls look at you, clearly missing your point. Must be pretty average names for Dark Eldar or something. “I’m Senna.” Says the one with the twintails.

“Senna.” Says the one with the straight long mare.


“Fine, I’m Senda.” The one with the twintails held up by green baubles finally admits.

You lay back down on the cot and slide the rest of yourself back onto it with a painful series of grunts and wheezes, until finally you are comfortable again. As much as you can be, anyways. With a sigh, you close your eyes. “Also, why am I wearing this?”

The twins look at each other and giggle, as though it were some kind of inside joke. “No, seriously. I’m the patient, why am I dressed as a sexy Apothecary?”

The girls look at each other, than at you, but don’t say anything. “…Whatever, is there anything to eat? I’m starving!”

They quickly zip around the room and before you realize it, they are sitting on either side of you spooning soup into your mouth. You let them feed you for a while. It might not be glamorous and the food doesn’t hold a candle to standard Eldar cuisine (if Esh’s cooking is anything to go off of), but after narrowly avoiding death, you don’t care at this point. You want to relax and let someone else take care of you for a bit.

After a half hour or so you finally shake your head and pat your stomach. “Ahh, it’s nice having some food in the morning again.”

The twins eyes meet, and then they nod before looking back to you. “Max, how are you feeling? Think you can walk normally?” Senna asks, setting the bowl aside.

“Yeah, I think I could probably manage. Why?” Senda bites her bottom lip, eyeing the door nervously.

“Well, you see… The Archon had a lot of friends here. We are pretty well known and liked, but even our influence extends only so far… We do have a plan, but before we can act on it, this probably isn't the safest place for you to be” Senda finally admits, revealing that she’s been armed this whole time.

It does make some sense. You did help poff their leader after all. Though it was the twins that helped you do it… “Wait. If I’m not safe, what about you two? You were fighting him as well.”

The twins giggle, and fawn over your hair a little.

“Don’t worry about us, honey. We can handle our own, and besides…” Senda looks over to a portrait of a dark and sadistic looking Dark Eldar on the wall. From his fancy gear and whatnot, you can tell this dude is probably somebody big.

“No one is brave enough to mess with us, not with daddy on his way here and all.” You shrug.

“So what’s the problem then?”

“Just because no one wants to mess with us doesn’t mean someone is above figuring out a way to poison you while you sleep.” Senna sets your equipment down on a nearby table. You notice hat-chan sits there and looks polished and clean.

“Well, that would not be too much fun…” Getting away from crazy evil ninja space elves is probably not a bad plan.

“Decidedly not. Here, we’ll give you our own personal communicator numbers.” They program them into your own device and put it back into its belt pouch.

Despite not really needing it, you let them help you get dressed. They insisting and seem to enjoy it, and admittedly you do as well.

“We’ve arranged a transport to take you wherever you need to go. You should be safe out there, we will be keeping the late Archon’s friends… Occupied…” The twins say mischievously, and you can tell by the look in their eyes that it’s a bad day to be one of those friends.

The girls escort you to the transport, flanked the whole time by a dozen of their hard-eyed loyal soldiers. Despite a few nasty stares, most of the Dark Eldar quickly and politely get out of the twins way.

“Don’t hesitate to give us a call, Max. We should have this whole thing sorted out quickly.” Senna says as you stand in the open door of the small transport skiff.

“Next time, we’ll make sure it’s more fun and maybe even less life threatening.” Senda follows with a smile.

The two of them kiss you on the cheek, and with a final farewell, the doors close.

“Where are we headed?” The pilot asks with a node. You check your phone. The twins have changed your background photo to a picture of them blowing a kiss together. Cute. You notice you have one new message from that as well.

"Daddy says he very much wants to meet you next time." Not sure if want...

“Here, punch in these coordinates.” You give the pilot the imperial designation, which he thankfully converts in his head to whatever system the Dark Eldar used. You can’t read any of the gauges or feeds.

The skiff ride is pretty smooth, and you almost drift off into a nap before the pilot kicks you in the shin. “OW! Dude what the fuck?”

“We’ve arrived. Get out of my skiff, I’ve got a hot date tonight.” Well, you can’t hate on a fellow player. So you climb out and toss him a sloppy salute as he speeds off.

The building in front of you is quite large, and in typical imperial fashion, looks a lot like all the buildings around it. It also looks deserted.

Still, you aren’t going to give up. Someone has got to still be alive in there, and you are going to find them. It takes several minutes of walking to finally get to an entrance. After dying and all of your almost-dying, you are kind of on edge. You finger the laspistol nervously, wishing that you still had even that junky power armor, which unfortunately was rendered useless but saved your life. Though having your hate again is a massive confidence boost by itself.

When you finally enter, the whole factory is dead silent. Massive gears and belt systems, normally whirring and loud, are deathly silent. You don’t know the layout of the building, so you are just exploring the off shooting hallways and whatnot randomly. Much of the place is too dark for you to even see, the rest is softly illuminated by emergency lighting.

After digging through several lockers, you finally find a nonstandard illumination unit. In the shape of a standard guardsman lasgun. Dohoho.

A bit more confident with some way to see where you are going, you press yet deeper into the passageways which seem to grow more and more narrow. You freeze suddenly, as your dim beam catches a flicker of movement.

Quickly drawing your laspistol you try to find whatever is out there moving in the dark, but it eludes your light. You can still hear it, tapping quietly through the hallway right in front of you now! Heart thundering in your chest, knowing whatever it is, it’s just beyond the range of your flashlight. Throwing caution to the wind, your sprint to catch up.

Only with the sound of your own heart beating and your heavy boots on the cold metal floor, when you slow down, you find that the noise has ceased. And you are in a dead end which splits off into four rooms. Whatever it is, it’s probably watching you right now.


“HOLY SHIT FUCK!” You jump and whirl around, laspistol shaking in your hand. The light finally illuminates what has been avoiding you this whole time, and you almost start spamming the trigger of your pistol, but manage to stop yourself just in time.

“D-don’t shoot me!” She cries, shying away from you and covering her face.

With a sigh of relief as your heart resumes beating, you holster your gun and take a few seconds to calm yourself down. The girl doesn’t show herself, still cowering in her red hooded robe. “Hey now, I’m not going to shoot you.” You tell her, pointing to your now holstered pistol.

She looks through her fingers at you, but doesn’t say anything. “I uhh… I like your robot arms.” You finally say after a minute of silence passes.

“T-thanks I like yours too.” She responds in a very meek voice.


The girl has her hand over her mouth now, as though she can’t really believe what she just said. You notice a few yellow wires fall out of the pockets of her robe. “I…Ummm… I~… No….” She seems to be struggling, more and more wires falling from her pockets.

“Why am I so bad at this!” She finally yells, before leaping up and dashing past you back into the dark hallway wires streaming out of her pockets and littering the ground.

You don’t move for a few seconds, still a bit stunned. You can hear the tech priestess sobbing as she storms down the narrow passage. Finally you snap back to and realize she’s getting away from you.

“WAIT!” You shout down the hallway as you chase after her.

Her footsteps are still ahead of you, she’s still running as fast as she can. “Hold up, I just want to talk!” You yell again.

She doesn’t respond, but you can tell that you are gaining on her now. She was a bit shorter than you and you are probably in better shape, though your body is cursing you for being so rough on it after it nearly gave out two days ago. Now within feet, you can see her looking back, tears in her eyes.

“Gotcha!” You yell triumphantly when you finally grab her by the hand and slow to a stop. She struggles, but you don’t let her go. The tech priestess is still sobbing and won’t turn to face you, hiding in her hood. “Easy there, we both startled each other. No need to get so worked up.” Despite your soothing, she doesn’t stop crying quietly.

“Hey now, no need for that.” You pat her on the head like you used to do for Helena when she was sad or frustrated. The tech priestess finally turns to you and looks up enough that you can just barely see her eyes. “Y-you aren’t mad at me?” She stammers, her voice hoarse.

“No, of course not. Why would I be?” You assure his “I…I’m not very good with people.” She finally says quietly, lowering her head so her face is again hidden.

Despite the fact that she is still trembling like a scared animal, she’s stopped crying at least. “I don’t buy that, you seem very nice.” You assure her, as you start to pull back on her hood to reveal her face.

“No!” She yelps, grabbing her hood and holding it in place. “Hey, what’s wrong now? I just want to make sure you aren’t injured.”

She stays silent for several moments. “I… I don’t like showing people my face.” You smirk. “Too bad.”

You quickly whip off her hood and she jumps in shock before crouching down and burying her face in her arms. “Come on, you can show me. Did you get hit in the face or something?”

She shakes her head. “N-No… No, it’s not that.”

“Than what could it possibly be?” You ask kindly, pulling her lightly up so she's standing again. “The other tech priests… They… They say I’m… I’m Ugly.” She stammers, trying even harder to hide herself.

“Yeah well, admech dudes often have pretty bad taste.” With that, you pull her arms apart gently and meet her face to face.

Her face is hideous, a mess of tubes and wires with soulless black eye-implants. "Nope, I'm out." You put a las round though your own temple.

Her eyes are a bit red and staring hard at his feet, but they are a pretty almond and go well with his black hime cut. Despite what she says, and whatever those gearheads say, she is in fact quite beautiful.

“Yeah, they are officially confirmed for shit taste.” You tell her. She finally looks back at you, still trembling but with maybe a faint hint of appreciation. “R…Really?” She asks quietly.

“Yeah, really. You are damn fine. Is this an Immolator factory? Because you look hot.” Despite your terrible lines, she awards you with a faint smile.

“Do you mean it?” She asks, a little louder and less shy now. “I would take you home and eat cherries off of your ass while I let you fix my cycle.”

She giggles before looking you fully in the eyes and smiling genuinely. “You are pretty weird.” She finally says, though no longer gloomy.

“So I’ve been told… Anyways, what is this place?” She raises an eyebrow, as if a bit surprised.

“Well, there’s really only one thing Yagis V produces in any kind of quantity.” “Which is?” You press, as much as you think you already know the answer.

“Well… Lingerie…”

“Fuck... I was REALLY hoping for baneblades.”

Before you can continue giving her the moves, a skull probe pokes its head out of her robes at her feet. “Mika-chan, chaos terminators detected inside the structure.” It chimes in a cheery robot voice.

“H-huh? Where?” The tech priestess stammers back to it.

“Right here.” The skull responds back with a now VERY out of place cheerfulness. A powerfist busts through the wall not four feet to your left.

“OH YEAHHHHH!!!!!!!!”

The dust clears, and four chaos terminators are staring you right in the face. “Have at you!” You yell, drawing your sword.

Before you can react, a chain fist buries itself in Mika’s side. “Hah!?” She yells in surprise before blood oozes out of her mouth and her eyes go blank. The terminator laughs as he tosses her limp form aside, before turning to you. Their guns level, and in this narrow hallway, you don’t have anywhere to escape to.

“Quick, in here!” Mika grabs your hand and both of you sprint into one of the nearby rooms. She slams the door shut and a heavy bolt engages the lock. “That will hold them for a second or two, but we don’t have much time!” She yells at you. But you are already on it.

“Don’t worry babe, I’ve got this shit. Wait, how the fuck are you still ALIVE?" "Good armor shave." She replies as his hands fly over a control panel.

The terminator armor is quite a bit harder to put on than the standard power armor was, but you are pretty quick with your lives on the line and all that. Three weaprawns adorn a rack on the wall, but the left hand of the armor is already taken up by a shield.

“Alright, this should do it.” You grab the power axe and ready yourself for the fight. “Hey, what are you doing? Use your other arms to grab those other weapons!” Mika yells at you as the door starts to cave from power fist belows.

She pulls off your hat and stuffs the helmet onto your head. You don’t complain, hat-chan is cool but he can’t stop bolter rounds. “Huh?” But you quickly realize that somehow you are controlling two additional servitor arms attached to the armor.

Without questioning it, you grab the sword and storm bolter with the claws, and again turn to face the wall. The door finally is blown back off of its heavy hinges, but the chaos terminator stops when he sees you.

“None shall stand in the path of the rape train!” With that, you swing the axe down and it easily cuts into his head. The heavy armor slams hard into the ground, and the other two terminators look startled. Clearly, things were not going as planned.

Before they can raise their guns, you let them have it with the storm bolter. They are knocked backwards from the impact of the heavy shells, and you press your attack until you are within range.

The one on your left pulls back his power fist for a strike, but you quickly lash out with the shield and knock him onto his back. At the same time, your servitor arm lashes out with the sword and pierces the other terminator through his middle. The last chaos terminator struggles to rise, but you put a heavy boot on his chest, and the storm bolter clatters away. Chaos head jelly, order yours today.

“Nice work!” Mika yells with adoration, jumping over the corpses until she’s behind you. She has a laspistol clutched in both hands and both mechanical arms. “Thank me when we’re out of this mess.” You tell her. You sincerely doubt this is over yet.

“Back into the factory floor, I have a feeling some bad shit is about to come pouring out of that hole.” Mika doesn’t argue with you, and both of you sprint down the hallway. Well, more like she walks along behind your lumbering ass.

“Can't this thing go any faster? Why didn’t you at least paint it red?” Mika looks startled at the question.

“It-It’s a work in progress, I haven’t had time to finish it yet!” Finally the two of you get through the winding hallways and into the open factory. You notice the lights are now on, casting a bright light over the paradise before you.

“Quit oogling them and lets go!” Mika shouts, pushing you in the back as though you can even feel that.

“Err… Yeah…” You toss the power sword aside and snatch up a bag of factory fresh goodies, labeled “Assorted”, you like the sounds of that.

“Wah? What are you doing?” Mika stammers, looking at the power sword than back at you. “Uhh… It was malfunctioning.”


“No time, let’s move!” You shout, and it sounds pretty bad-ass through the helmet.

You lumber over to the massive hanger door. Why a lingerie factory has a hanger door a baneblade could fit through, you don’t know, but you don’t know if the armor can fit through the door you first entered into the factory.

The metal door creaks in protest, but then starts to lift up with a faint grinding noise. As soon as it lifts up enough, you duck underneath and step out into the light. “Commissar, how good to see you again.” Abbadon laughs mercilessly.


Abbadon’s smile fades slightly, and he pats the leg of the Defiler standing next to him. Which lifts up its two front arms, and is going to try to flatten you.

Too busy dreaming of the bag of goodies in your servitor arm, you don't have time to react to the attack. The Defiler flattens you, and, under Abbadon's order, keeps wailing away until little remains of you but shards of metal and a gooey mess.

You don’t give the Defiler time, and step within its reach. “Stay inside!” You shout back to Mika, who doesn’t reply.

The construction of chaos slams its arms down furiously, but they miss. You swing the power axe with all of your might, and it pierces into the Defiler, but only slightly. The thing doesn’t seem fazed, or amused. It’s lascannons rotate down to fry you.

Abandoning the axe, you roll out of the way and the shots scorch the concrete where you had stood a second ago, Abbadon has retreated back and is laughing, clearly expecting you won’t make it out of this. He claps his hands together in amusement. Wait, he didn’t have arms the last time you saw him, but you don’t have time to point out that glaring plot hole.

You recover from the roll just in time to raise your shield in a vain attempt to block an incoming arm, which impacts hard. The blow sends you rolling back, and the shield is cracked in half. You notice it also disabled your left servitor arm.

Dropping the storm bolter down into your hands, you unleash it on the Defiler, which doesn’t seem to notice it much. “Emprah damn it!” You shout as the gun runs dry.

The Defiler swings down again, and again you dodge. Only this time, you seize the opportunity and run up its arm as fast as the suit allows. “Hit from underneath!” You hear Mika cry out.

A pitiful leap barely carries you back to the axe, which you wrench out from the raging machine as you fall back to the pavement. Now you have its soft underbelly exposed, and you hack at one of the legs.

The axe cleaves through the metal, leaving the leg hanging by just a strand of melted slag, and completely unusable. The Defiler screeches in protest, but you aren’t about to relent.

Again and again you cut, severing legs until the monstrous machine falls hard onto its side. Leaping up on top of it, you deliver one last massive strike to its exposed side. It’s power goes dead.

“Where are my arms, how was I clapping?” Abbadon howls, confused.

“Master, we must retreat!” A cultist yells and tugs on Abbadon’s armor.

Reluctantly he climbs into the back of a rhino, but even as it speeds off he screams back at you. “I’LL HAVE YOUR HEAD ONE DAY COMISSAR! AND YOUR MEDDLING FRIENDS TOO!!!"

You collapse as the armor powers down, and you read the message in your helmet. “Game Over… Continue?”

But you don’t have any thrones, and you can’t move the suit.

Mika struggles for a moment, but finally gets the helmet off of you, before putting your hat back on. After a few minutes, she’s got you out of the armor entirely.

Mika is panting and sits down, exhausted. “Those pieces are heavy…” She says between deep breaths. Her robe is open, and you can’t help but watch her perky unmodified boobs rising up and down with her chest.

Come to think of it, the only modifications you can see are her additional mechanical arms. “So you don’t have a lot of metal bits, eh?” She blushes at your comment, and closes her robe.

“I know, I know. How unsightly right?” You shake your head.

“Nah, metal parts are cool and all, but I prefer you without anything more than what you’ve got. I think you look great as is.” She looks away and laughs, still blushing. “You are very different from the tech-priests.”

You smile at her, and she smiles back. No guns going off, lived another day, talking with a pretty girl. Yeah, this is nice, you should defiantly do this more often. Preferably with less things trying their damnedest to kill you. “While, I did manage to save this at least.” You hold up the bag of assorted lingerie triumphantly.

Mika giggles at you, than pauses. “Come to think of it, I don’t know your name.”

Shit, you haven’t introduced yourself yet.

“Right, sorry. I’m Max. Max Decarus, with the guard. Sort of…” You trail off. Who ARE you with anymore? “Anyways, I don’t think it’s a good idea to stick around here. We need to find someplace safer.” Mika's face lights up at your words.

“I know just the place, I was planning on trying to go there myself. It’s an Admech shelter in case of an event like this. The whole place is rigged with turrets and whatnot, it’s probably the safest place on the entire planet.”

“Shit, why didn’t you mention this earlier? Let’s go!”

“The place is a bit of a distance from here, we’re going to need some kind of transport.”

You haven’t seen anything around... After a bit of walking you manage to locate four vehicles. To be honest, you don't really know how to drive any of them.

"Hey Mika, do you have any idea how to drive any of these?" She tilts her head and looks at you.

"N-no? I thought you did?"

"None of them?"

"No, I can drive some tanks so the rhino would be close to that...Maybe? But it would take forever to get there..."

Alright then, its settled. “We’re taking the thunderbolt.”

Mika looks a bit terrified, clutching at her robe nervously. “Umm… I thought you didn’t know how to fly one of those?”

“How hard can it be?” You shrug.

Your sentiment changes somewhat, however, when you are both strapped into the cockpit as the craft sits poised on the launch ramp.

“You… You’re sure about this?” She’s visibly shaking.

“…No, let’s go try something else.” You hit the button that you think opens the cockpit back up.

"Launch sequence initiated, may the Emperor guide your flight"

“That… Was not the button I was looking for.”

“Max, if you don’t know how to fly this, chances are we are probably going to die.”

You turn around to make a witty comment.

“Yeah well never tell me the obHOLY FUUUUUUCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The Thunderbolt is thrown forward by the catapult, the air speed gauge is rapidly increasing. Too late to bail now, you grab the control stick and hang on for dear life.

The fighter shakes and bucks as its rocketed down the ramp, it’s engines screaming to life. You don’t even have time to think before you are in the air, looking at the orange sky above, the sun beginning to set. Still, you haven’t died yet. Everything seems ok.

Taking hold of the stick, you try to put the craft into a soft left turn. The fighter lurches into a hard roll, and begins spinning rapidly, increasing in speed.

“Max, level us out!” Mika screams, “Pedals, there should be pedals!” You try to stop the roll, pushing hard on each of the pedals trying to figure out which one is going to keep you in the sky longer. After several agonizing seconds, you manage to level the craft out.

Just in time to see the burst of autocannon fire miss your left wing by inches. “Hell Talons!” Mika yells, “Two of them!”

Skilled pilots or not, they are actual pilots and you are some idiot sitting in a craft that takes years of training to learn. There’s no way you are going to break and get into a turning fight, you would get slaughtered.

“Hold on!” You shout back to Mika, before shoving the stick forward and jamming down the right pedal. The Thunderbolt rolls over into a dive and quickly starts losing altitude. The Talons blow past you, having been at max speed in their attempt to get into range.

The G-forces are intense, and it’s a struggle to keep from blacking out. Mika isn’t faring as well as you, she’s already out. As close to the deck as you dare, you reverse the move. Or you try to.

The craft groans against the stress, and is only easing out of the dive slowly. Too slowly. You pull with all your might, until finally the nose inches up and levels off. You look down just in time to see a building blink by, mere feet below you.

Mika must have come to, because you hear her scream. “Chill out, I think we’re all right.” You call back to Mika.

“Then why were you screaming?”

A flash of lascannon fire misses the front of your fighter, but just barely. Heading straight at you, guns blazing, another Talon.

“Shoot at them!” Mika yells up to you. You don’t know how, so you just start pressing triggers.

The Thunderbolt shudders as it’s autocannons and lascannons open up, sending tracers and flashes of pinkish light out at the enemy fighter. You are missing, by a substantial margin, but the Talon stops shooting and skids slightly to its right. Right, the pedals!

You jam on the left pedal and it kicks your nose to the left. You haven’t let up on your guns, despite a few warning lights flipping on and a klaxon sounding.

The Talon erupts into flames as the high explosive autocannon shells rake his fuel supply. He pitches up, climbs a few hundred meters, than explodes into shrapnel.

You barely manage to skid the craft with the pedal again, just in time to avoid a hunk of wing that would have sheared off your own. “There it is!” Mika grabs your shoulder and points to a large bunker laid into the side of a mountain. “Hold on, we’re going in hot.”

You don’t know why you said that, maybe you thought it sounded cool. What you should have said is “Pray to the EMPRAH, because I don’t know how to land.”

You pull back on the thrusters until the engine cuts out, trying desperately to lose air speed. The belly of the ship touches down, hard, and you are jolted around the cockpit. Your head and neck ache from snapping around.

Thankfully the Thunderbolt is a sturdy craft, because you are only knocked unconscious when it impacts a solid concrete wall.

Helena laughs as she terrorizes Sarah unrelentingly. Frederick presses as close to the tank’s open turret as he dares, forgetting about his repair job on the targeting system.

“Hey! Stop…ahh! Get off! Fucking hell, you are as perverted as your brother!”

“Ohohoho? You mean you don’t like me grabbing these big ol’ round earthshakers?” Helena teases.

“No! NO! Emprah damn it Helena, leave my twins alone!”

Frederick’s servitor arms are moving on their own and leaking oil slightly.

“Hah! Were you as shy when you let my pervy bro stick his basilisk between these?”

“Helena you bitch, I’ve told you a million times that was a HUGE mistake!”

But Helena isn’t about to give in.

“I remember you calling me, so worked up and distressed.” Helena puts her hands to her face mockingly.

“Oh Helena it was terrible, he shot that sticky stuff all over my face!” Helena’s voice is nasally, impersonating Sarah, badly.

Sarah, finally at her limit, tackles Helena to the bottom of the tank. “I told you, it was a stupid mistake that I wholly regret. I was curious, that’s ALL.”


“Ugghhh…” You groan as you grab your head. That wasn’t a soft landing, but good thing you had this solid concrete wall to stop you. Good thing it wasn’t a pillow manafactorum or something.

You hit the release for your belt and, still grumbling, pop the cockpit canopy as well. “Sorry about that one Mika.”

But she doesn’t respond. You look over and see her slumped over in her seat. “H-hey! Mika!”

Quickly rushing over to her, you grab her arm and feel for a pulse. It’s there, thankfully, and feels entirely normal. She must still just be out cold. After a bit of fumbling you manage to unhook her from the seat. You would have thought she was heavy with those two metal arms attached to her back, but she’s surprisingly light. Well, you have carried a fully decked out sister after all.

Making sure not to bang her head into anything or drop her, you slowly and carefully lift Mika into your arms. She still isn’t responsive, and you begin to worry that maybe she took that landing harder than you did. Now secure in your arms and free of overhead obstacles, you carry her off the wreckage. The front of the Thunderbolt is smashed in, a wing bent forward, sheered at its base. It was a good plane, but it isn’t going to be taking you anywhere else.

Mika must have known what she was talking about though, because the bunker complex in front of you looks more or less impenetrable. Even from here you can see an obscene amount of turrets, cannons, and missiles.

Well, by the looks of it, those turrets are automated. You look like any other commissar and you are carrying a tech-priestess. Hopefully that will mean you won’t get turned into goo by heavy bolter fire.

The main entrance is large, large enough to fit a tank through. A tank which comes roaring up the ramp at you.

You jump to the side as the baneblade speeds by, probably at its max speed. You manage to see the word “Rex” painted across the side. However the tank pays you no mind, and instead begins circling the large field, it’s turrets rotating as if scanning for threats.

Well, at least it didn’t kill you. You enter the large door which is still open. The room is enormous, filled with computer terminals and whatnot, and also completely empty.

“~Oh good. Company.~” Comes a melodious robotic voice. You look around quickly, but don’t see anything.

“~I hope Rex didn’t startle you, I’ve just let him out to play.~”

Finally you look up, and see what’s been talking to you. It’s some kind of contraption of robot orb things, attached to the ceiling. It peers down at you ponderously with a glowing orange eye. “Rex… The baneblade?”

“~Indeed. This fortress is fully autonomous, and currently empty.~”

You were hoping to find some other people, hopefully someone who could help you out with Mika. “Hey, robot thing, I think my friend here might be hurt.”

The orb whizzes as it extends its lens, taking a closer look at Mika. “~Medical bay, follow the red line.~”

“Hey, thanks!” As you pass by underneath the robot, you look up and notice the word “SLaDOS” painted on the side of it. Whatever, it seems trustworthy enough. The red line takes you through a series of large passages, and terminates quite early at what you can easily tell is the medical bay.

You enter, and notice the place is empty. A medical bay isn’t going to be much help without someone who knows what they are doing… Carrying Mika through the ward, you finally give up, there isn’t anyone to help you here. You set her down on a bed and think hard.

But before you can start to play doctor, a metallic voice sings from behind you. “~Preliminary scan complete, tech-priestess condition highly suboptimal. She is simply unconscious, Commissar.~”

You sigh in relief. “Thanks. When will she be awake?”

“~Difficult to tell, but she will. You can entrust her to my care.~”

You don’t feel entirely right about leaving Mika here… Your communicator interrupts your train of thought. It’s a call from your friend Douglass.

Your DEAD friend Douglass.

Quickly you accept the transmission and whip the phone to your ear. “Douglass, man, what the fuck? I saw you die!”

There is no noise for several seconds. Until finally the silence is permeated by a series of soft metallic clicks and what sounds like metal scraping against something. The transmission ends. You call it back, but whatever it is that has his communicator, it doesn’t pick up. “I can trust her with you?” You finally ask SLaDOS.

“~I will take good care of her, Commissar.~” You don’t have much of a choice, you need answers. Mika’s communicator isn’t difficult to find, on an inside pocket of her robe. You pull it out and quickly exchange frequencies.

You find a pen and some paper and quickly scribble her a note telling her what just happened and that she needs to call you as soon as she wakes up. “Make sure nothing happens to her, because if something does, I’ll come back to kick robot ass and chew bubble gum. And I don’t think Yagis V has any gum.” The robot laughs cheerfully.

“~This is a safe place Commissar, she will not be harmed.~”

With one last look back at the limp tech-priestess, you head back into the outdoors. You are going to find answers, but you don’t even know where to start. You have a feeling you will find out somehow though.

A long, last drag of his cigarette. Douglass looks out over the raging seas far below, wind whipping the yellow ribbon he always kept with him into a frenzy. His fingers run over the fabric, remembering.

“Almost hard to believe, isn’t it Max?” He doesn’t look back at you, face hard against the weather, jaw set.

“I mean, can you really believe it? All of it? Passing training, the graduation, getting shipped off to serve the Emperor?” He flicks the butt and watches it soar through the air, taken by the wind.

You aren’t exactly sure what to say, it should be a happy day, but you know it can’t be, not entirely. “Something to be proud of, all of us.” Is all you can manage.

Douglass doesn’t turn around but nods slowly. He might be the toughest guy you know, but everyone has their weak point…

Lycheria and his sisters show up in parade march. Usually cheerful, zealous faces, now rendered solemn. The battlefield is covered in a light layer of snow, preserving the scene before you as it was when you left it.

Guardsmen, your comrades, dead where they fell. “Thanks for doing this for me.” You tell Lycheria, who squeezes your hand.

“They passed on as they lived, in glorious service to the Emperor and in protection of their families.” She turns to the Sororita waiting in the open hatch of the Immolator, and nods.

Fire erupts from flamers, bodies crackling peacefully as they are consumed. The night grows dark, and you haven’t moved, watching the fire as it slowly begins to die down. The sisters each clap you lightly on the shoulder or speak soft, encouraging words. Lycheria puts her hand on your back for a moment, watching with you, before she turns to go. She knows now isn’t the time, there are some things a man just has to see through himself.

You watch the fire for hours as the sky grows ever darker. Finally, nothing but glowing coals and ash.

You look at the yellow ribbon in your hand, dirty and torn. You try to think of something to say, but you can’t come up with anything. Douglass was always the quiet, stoic type anyways. The ribbon slips through your fingers, the stiff wind lifting it away from you. It spins and dips in the cold evening air. You watch silently as it finally disappears into the darkness beyond.

A Necron tomb is close by, and the data on the servo skull showed it to be abandoned. Perhaps it’s dim halls can provide some time to reflect. With a final salute, one you hold for several moments, you turn your back, commending your friends to the afterlife.

All of your friends except Douglass, who’s body you didn’t find. The crypt is as silent as well, a crypt.

You know there are active Necrons on this planet, but this isn’t a place they use any more, according to the skull anyways. The tomb is illuminated by soft green light, which is nice because you probably wouldn’t have entered if it was dark.

Despite what it is, you find the tomb peaceful. The quiet a reprieve from everything you’ve gone through since first touching down on this planet. Deeper and deeper you descend, making sure to keep track of exactly how to get out as you do.

You pause, however, when you hear something. Almost indiscernible, a soft rhythmic clanging.

While you are curious, there is no need to tempt fate. You crouch and continue quietly, making as little noise as you can. The deathly silence of the tomb doesn’t make that easy.

  • clang* *clang* *clang*

The noise is getting closer, and is probably loud enough that whatever’s making it hasn’t heard your footsteps. Your heart beats ever harder the closer you get.

  • Clang* *Clang* *Clang*

Its so close now, just inside a room ten feet in front of you. You inch closer and closer along the wall, your heart in your throat now.


With a bit of trepidation, you slowly peek out into the room. You aren’t sure what to think of the sight that greets you.

A Necron, or what you at least think is a Necron, has another more generic one bent over a rock. The one standing is dangling with flesh, sickeningly moist flesh which jiggles and shakes as the Necron thrusts. The one bent over the rock struggles, but is held in place by scythe-like claws stuck into its back.

Before you can react, the flayed one looks quickly over at the doorway. Eyes meet yours. Douglass’s eyes. Or where they should have been anyways.

His face is contorted in what looks like a scream, stretched across the head of the Necron like some kind of mask. Pale, dead skin taut against metal underneath. The jaw bounces and the cheeks jiggle as the flayed one continues its rape. You realize, feeling sick, that this thing is wearing Douglass.


The Necron doesn’t take its eyes off you as it finally stops thrusting, reaches forward with its other clawed hand, and starts pulling off the other one’s head. The injured Necron cries out, which quickly falls silent, as it’s spine is ripped from its body.

The flayed one tosses the head and spine at your feet, before uttering a terrible metallic screech. You don’t even think, you just run.

You cry out in pain as sharp claws rip into your back, tearing through your skin. You are still running, fast enough to keep the flayed one just out of lethal range, hopefully.

As you sprint up back the way you came, you draw the laspistol and fire it over your shoulder. Even the shots that connect seem to have little effect. The flayed one is screaming in its soulless robotic tone as it chases you down, enjoying the hunt.

Blood is pouring from the wound on your back, the pain would be too excruciating to move if you were not currently fleeing for your life. It doesn’t seem like it’s any use running, as the claws rake you again and again.

You can feel your legs growing weaker, though you keep pressing on as hard as you can. Your back, much of which now is shredded, is slick with your own blood. The claws lash out again, and with a terrible dread and disbelief, you feel much of your left arm fall from your body. Your eyes take in what used to be your arm, now a stump that ends before your elbow.

Screaming at the pain, you fall to the cold floor below. You turn around to see the flayed one working it’s bladed fingers madly as it stands over you, it seems to be reveling in your impending death. Until a green bolt of energy catches it in the side, tearing away metal and scorching the flayed one’s skin dress.

The flayed one turns around, screaming madly. Another bolt of gauss fire catches it, this time center chest. The skin-wearing mother fucker falls to its knees, jaw working furiously but emitting no sound.

One last shot obliterates its head, and the monstrosity of metal and flesh collapses right beside you. You look up even as you grip your stump, trying to stop the bleeding as best you can. Another Necron steps into view, this one far more humanoid. The pariah peers down at you curiously, poking you lightly with its staff.

You can’t even struggle as it walks closer still. You notice its long black braid, held together with glowing green jewelry. Its features are soft, feminine even. The Necron looks almost like a human girl. One who stands back up and levels it’s gauss gun right at you.

Until a bolter round whizzes past its head. “We claim victory over this tomb, and all shall know of our glorious battle here!”

More bolter fire, and the pariah hisses furiously before retreating into a dark side-passage. Heavy boots approach from behind you, but you can’t even turn to look. You can actually feel your heart slowing. “…Call for the Apothecary, quickly!” The marine beside you yells.

Just before you black out, you notice the paint scheme. Gold trim…

“Commissar…” The voice a million miles away.

“Commissar!” You awaken with a jolt. You are laying on a white bed, heavy bandages wrapped around your chest.

Was it all a dream? One look to your left, at the stump greeting you there, confirms it was not. You feel sick. Where you once had an appendage, now you have nothing. You can’t even look at it, turning your head away quickly. “Feeling alive again?” The voice turns away, “Thank you for your assistance brother Genevus, please go help any other wounded.”

“Chapter master?” Genevus asks hesitantly.

“It’s quite all right, leave us.” You turn to look at the source of the conversation. One space marine is already exiting the room; and another, a giant in what you think is terminator armor, sits down beside you. His obscene amount of purity seals rustling as he adjusts in the chair.

The marine next to you sits back and takes a drink out of a mug, which curiously bears the symbol of a wolf. “Well Commissar, or should I say, guardsman, what say you?”

You remain speechless, disbelief sinking your stomach. How they found out, you don’t know. “Guardman, you do know the punishment for committing such a crime, do you not?”


“As Harry Partridge, chapter master of the most glorious of all astartes, the Galactic Partridges, I ask again. You are aware of the repercussions for what you have done, are you not?” You swallow hard.

“I… I am. But I can explain…” He holds up a massive hand to stop you from talking.

“Then you know it is well within my right and even perhaps my obligation to execute you here and now.” You try to back away, but there isn’t anywhere to go.

“I was just doing what I had to, I’m the last guard on the planet sir.” The Chapter Master laughs, a booming laugh that echoes through the small building.

“I care little for such trivial matters, there is only one thing that interests me.” He stands up and puts a hand on your shoulder.

“Glory, guardsman. Glory is all I care for.” You watch as he takes another drink. “I’ll offer you a proposition in exchange for your life. My good friend Logan has just arrived with his force on this planet, and I would like you to aid me in giving them a proper… Greeting.” He pours something into a cup similar to his, which he extends to you.

“T-to the glory of the partridges?” You stutter. He reaches out and clinks his mug against yours. “All glory belongs to the Partridges!” He responds, taking a long drink.

Several moments pass as you enjoy whatever is in the mug. You aren’t sure what it is, but it seems to rejuvenate you a bit. Well, as much as you can be when you remember you are missing an arm. “If I may, Chapter Master, what is it exactly you want me to do?”

Harry Partridge smiles as he raises his mug to his lips again. “Well, guardsman, you are going to help me troll the Space Wolves.”

And that is how you found yourself, sitting on a log in “rescued” Space Wolf power armor. Being the bait for the Tyranid swarm. You look up as you hear a screech, and turning around, you curse.

Tyranids. A fuck ton of Tyranids.

“Uhh… Harry? Dude, shit is getting uncool pretty fast down here!” You grab the runic axe they gave you tightly in your one remaining arm. You are swimming in the armor as well, it being made for someone about your height but roughly ten times or so your weight.

“Don’t worry, Max, we’ve detected Space Wolf drop pods coming down toward your position. Just hold out until they arrive.” As much as the Chapter Master said it was an easy and safe plan, you had your doubts.

Now, those doubts seem affirmed. A swarm of gaunts is bearing down at you, gleeful at the prospect of ripping apart what they believe to be a space marine.

You take the first strike, lashing out hard with the axe. A powerful cut severs one gaunt clean in half and cuts hard into the carapace of another.

Still, you are getting swarmed here. The Space Wolf armor, though much much too large, proves tough. Claws bounce and scrape off the hard ceremite.

You swing again and again, the axe meeting little resistance it can’t easily overcome. You are thankful they at least gave you a nice weapon before sending you out here. With a thunderous boom that echoes across the valley, four drop pods slam hard into the ground a hundred or so yards from you.

With a loud hiss the doors fly open and Space Wolves jump out, roaring at the Tyranids as they prepare to save you. The Wolves waste no time and begin ruthlessly ripping into the gaunts. You notice a large figure who Harry showed to you in a picture, Logan Grimnar. “Hold on brother, we shall dispatch this foe quickly!” He calls out to you as he punches a jumping gaunt in the head, which explodes into bits of chitin and gore. Very few gaunts remain.

“ALL GLORY BELONGS TO THE PARTRIDGES! HATERS SHALL HATE!” A furious barrage of plasma fire from the sky as thirty or more Partridges fly toward you on their trails of fire and smoke. They land around you, swinging their power weapons madly and cutting down the last of the Tyranids.

Logan stops suddenly, mouth agape, eyes wide. He can’t even express his fury. “Pa-partridges?!” One of his retinue yells in disbelief.

The Partridges quickly dispatch the remaining five or so gaunts that the Space Wolves hadn’t gotten to yet. “Another day, another glorious victory for the Partridges.” Harry says as he steps over the crest of a hill.

“YOU!” Logan howls madly, clenching his fists.

“Oh! Hello brother Grimnar, I didn’t see you there. How glorious was our victory? I just missed it.” Logan Grimnar is too furious to form words, his mouth foaming and his eyes wild.

“Excellent.” Harry says with a smile. You quickly remember your lines.

“T-thanks be to the glorious Partridges, I would have surely been lost to the swarm had you not arrived.” You bow quickly to Harry.

“No matter, friend wolf, we cannot leave a fellow astartes in such peril.” He replies, taking a sip of his mug.

“I wish to relinquish myself from the Space Wolves and join you in further pursuit of such glory as only known to the Partridges.” You say, impressed you remembered.

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?” Logan yells, grabbing a gaunt corpse and ripping it to pieces.

“We gladly accept your offer, welcome to the Galactic Partridges, brother.” Harry reaches down and places a partridge on your shoulder. “Rise now, as one of the glorious victors.”

“YOU FUCK, I’LL KILL BOTH OF YOU!!!!” Logan screams, flailing madly as several of his retinue hold him back.

"Oh, Hat-chan! You're just so dirty," Senna purrs, as she places you on the table. She folds her arms under her breasts and leans down, batting her lashes at you. Her eyes are memsermizing, and the curve of her smile promises so much . . . Your hatband tightens.

You are snapped out of your reverie by something cool and wet on your crown. Senda has appeared behind you with some sort of soap or lotion that she is gently rubbing into your fabric. Every droplet seems to send electricity through your fibers, but you can also feel the dust and grime coming away. "Don't worry, we'll get you clean," she says as she works her fingers in, probing and carressing. Your peak stiffens from the attention, and she starts working with a rhythtm. She traces your creases gently, then digs into your seams roughly. You relax and imagine what it would be like to feel her hair and forehead pressed against you.

Senna grabs a long-handled tool covered in bristles and gently brushes your bill free of the arena dirt. As more of your material becomes exposed, she grows more vigorous. You can feel your wide, thick bill begin to glisten as she polishes it. She stops to smile at her reflection in your gleaming visor, leaving you desperate for more. Bringing her face even closer to you, she blows slow and hot across your front. She slowly wipes the fog away, dragging her delicate fingers back and forth on your hard surface. When you shiver from this treatment, she grins and fogs you up again. As she finishes blowing, she leaves her lips together and plants a kiss.

They both stand up and smile at you. Between the fabric massage and the polishing, your mind is floating away on a warm pink cloud. You can almost see yourself soaring over a landscape made of glorious feminine coifs and ponytails.

But could it get any better? Senda gently picks you up and starts to raise you higher. Her forehead is tantalizingly close, so smooth and welcoming. Senna comes closer, running a hand through her hair. Your headband aches with anticipation.

"Better not, sister. We've already had a long day."

"Good point. Sorry, Hat-chan. Maybe you can ride around on us next time." They put you back down and skip away to snuggle under the covers with Max.

What a bunch of cap teases.

Thread 9.5: BEAR LEAVES[edit]

“Hey, uhh, Mr. Grimnar! Mind if I talk to you for a moment?” You yell out to him.

“What are you doing? We didn’t agree to this!” Harry hisses at you, his face stern and cold now. Too late, Logan’s hulking form grabs you roughly and pulls you aside. His fellow wolves line up in a tight rank to block you from the Partridge’s view. Both sides finger their weapons nervously as they eye-fuck each other.

“You had better have a damn fine excuse for calling me out, pup.” He spits, setting you down.

“Yeah well, you see, I was forced into doing that.” You tell him the whole story, including the bit about losing your arm. He doesn’t seem impressed.

“So you abandoned virtue and struck a deal with these… these…” He can’t come up with a word to describe them.

“With all respect, us guardsmen tend to live short lives that we like to extend if and when possible.”

“Hmph, cowardice in droves.”

You shake your head. “Not cowardice, no, perseverance in a struggle to live.”

He looks you over as though he hadn’t really seen you before, than looks over the shoulders of his men at the tyranid carcasses before him. “So they stuck you in a suit of stolen armor, gave you a stolen weapon, and told you to wait for us to show up?”

“Yeah pretty much.”

He nods, looking around. “Alright lad, you’ve done well to at least tell me this was all a setup. Allow me now to help you.”

With that, his gauntleted fist impacts your face and knocks you out stone cold steve austin.

“Go to hell Harry you fuck, I’ve killed your little minion over here.” Logan shouts at the very surprised Partridges. He holds your limp body up as proof.

Harry smirks, shrugs, and chuckles coldly. “I don’t give a damn about some guardsman, I just cherish the look on your face any time I beat you.”

Logan sets your body down. “You beat no one today, shit bird.” The Great Wolf replies.

“Really? Well, the hive worlds will be buzzing with news of my great victory here today, so it sure seems like I did.” A thunderhawk bearing the markings of the Wolves circles once overhead, before slowing to land.

“I’m going to kill you myself, one of these days.” Grimnar mutters.

“You can try.” Harry sneers back.

You awaken with a pained grunt, grabbing at the ice pack on your face. “Man, I am really getting sick of that.” You groan.

“Be grateful I didn’t use my axe.” You pull the pack aside, Logan Grimnar and a dozen or so Space Wolves stand around you. You seem to be lying on some kind of fur in a cave.

“Where are we?”

“Not far from the site of the battle, I’m surprised you can talk actually.” One of the Wolves remarks.

“Why is that…?”

“Well, we strapped your body to the side of the ‘hawk. Had to make your death look convincing and all.” You grimace at the pain on your back, the stub of your arm, a plethora of cuts and bruises. You are ragged.

“Well, thanks for that at least.” Logan shakes his head.

“Don’t thank us yet, we haven’t decided if we should kill you or not yet.”

The Space Wolves look down at you solemnly. “He’s right, we probably should just do him in and be done with all of this.” A younger Wolf says, hefting his chainsword. Logan’s hand pushes the hilt of the sword back down.

“Perhaps another time, but not today. We’ve got work to do, brothers, we don’t have time to fret away on guardsmen.”

“Great Wolf, his personal communicator.” You jolt back upright, shit, you have a bunch of really fucking heretical shit on that.

“Dark Eldar… You have some… Interesting tastes…” Logan muses as he looks at the small screen.

“Yeah well, you kill an Archon and all kinds of crazy shit happens.” You tell them, laying back down. The Wolves erupt in laughter.

“You? Kill an Archon? HAH! That joke alone was worth sparing your life!” The Space Wolves continue to laugh. The one operating your communicator holds up a hand, his face ashen.

“Great Wolf, you need to see this…” He puts the screen in front of Logan again, who’s brow furrows as he leans in close to the device. “Hmm, very interesting. Tell me, guardsman, you’ve seen the Warmaster here? Personally?” Logan asks, as he reads some of the hate mail.

“I’ve done more than see him, I gave him a nice little cut on the face and killed one of his defilers.” The Wolf tosses the device down onto your chest.

“Absolute lies, but a funny story at least.” The Space Wolves file out of the cave, leaving you alone with Grimnar, who stares at you as though contemplating what to do next.

“I have a feeling we might meet again, maybe you can tell us more stories the next time we do.” He sets something down beside you, and departs.

You roll your head to look. A bolt pistol lays next to you, complete with the insignia of the Space Wolves. Whatever, you are going to get some sleep.

When you finally awaken, you almost wish you hadn’t. You are freezing cold, shivering badly. Even worse, you know it’s pretty warm outside. Your bandages are blotted with blood that has soaked through, and you feel pretty faint.

Could this day get any worse? Your stomach growls. Of course it can…

You dial Mika’s frequency, and let it ring until it goes to voicemail. She must still be out.

Stepping out of the cave, you notice you are quite a ways up a mountainside. From here, you can see the Admech stronghold. It has to be ten miles away at least. With a groan you heft the bolt pistol holster over your shoulder, the strap digging painfully into your back slightly. You are dressed in just what you had underneath the Space Wolf power armor, which the Wolves must have taken back. A thin tank top and pants with very basic and soft shoes.

It isn’t an easy hike down, and more than once you lose your footing and crash painfully onto the rocks below, barely managing to not roll the rest of the way down. Finally you reach the base of the mountain, breathing heavily. The bandages soaked with even more blood as it seems your wounds have opened up a bit.

You can’t give up now though, thoughts of soft boobs and warm food filling your head. “Come on man, get it together.” You mumble as you slowly start making your way into a forest, one you will have to cross through to get to the stronghold.

Unbeknownst to you, something watches from the trees.

You are stumbling now, barely managing to walk in a straight line. Your world, it seems, has become increasingly difficult to balance on. And darker too.

You mumble something incoherent, you aren’t even sure what you said. You don’t care anyways. The trees rustle from behind you, and you stumble and fall to a knee as you try to look for the source of the noise.

A black shape drops from a tall tree, landing lightly in front of you. It looks up, empty eyes of its skull mask meeting your own.

“wwwrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyy………” The Eversor gurgles quietly.

“Oh fuck this…” You scramble up, adrenaline surging through you.

You dash as hard as you can, trampling over brush and cracking twigs underfoot. Looking back, you notice the Eversor scratch it’s chin. Maybe it won’t come after you.

The Evesor deems it’s given you enough of a headstart, and bolts into a fast sprint after you. You unsheathe the bolt pistol, and whirl around, cracking off a shot.

The Evesor stops in its tracks as a tree trunk a foot to its right explodes from the round, but the assassin turns back to you and again continues its chase.

You grab a mouthful of leaves and start chewing.

Man, these are some fucking good leaves. “I love these things!” You roar.

The Evesor roars back at you, it wants the leaves all to itself. You realize suddenly that the assassin is actually a bear.

Rearing up on your hind legs, you try to make yourself larger and roar in challenge. This is your territory.

Both of you run at each other, and you swing out with your claws first. It’s a battle of the bears as you each bite and claw at the other. Finally you manage to scare off the other bear, and you grumble to yourself as you watch it leave.

You eat some more leaves before retreating back into your den for the night. Your den is cozy, and you bear snuggle it hard.

It took you a few days to dig this thing out yourself, it was pretty hard work actually. Though momma always did say you had some really good digging claws. A few berries you’ve stored make an excellent snack, and you munch on them happily.

Though in the back of your mind, you know these happy days won’t last forever. After all...

Winter is coming.

“You look much larger down here…” The suave anchorman says as he sizes you up, his fists raised. “I AM A BEAR!” You roar back at him, swinging with your paws.

He ducks back, barely avoiding the blow. He looks puzzled, before he opens his mouth to say…


You grab your head and open your eyes, the world outside is stupidly bright, and you quickly shut them again. Wait, what the fuck?

You peer back around with your eyes barely open. Doomrider is sitting next to you on the bike, smoking a cig, and looking down at you curiously.

“What the fuck just happened?” The crazy biker daemon laughs as he takes another drag.

“MAN, YOU ATE SOME FUCKING BEAR LEAVES! YOU KNOW HOW TO PARTY MY FRIEND, I’LL GIVE YOU THAT!” You groan, your head doesn’t hurt but you have an overwhelming urge to stand in a river and catch salmon…

“Thanks for the lift man, I thought I was done for.” You climb out of the sidecar.


Doomrider and you do the secret handshake; well, the half you can do anyways, before he revs his engine and disappears into a warp hole. Rex is sitting outside, and you absentmindedly scratch the underside of his turret, his antenna wagging happily.

The large door opens, and you shuffle inside. The bizarre form of SLaDOS turns to you, its lens focusing noisily.

“~Oh good, there you are.~”

A mechanical arm extends out and offers you an orange jumpsuit. “Really? For me?” You take the suit appreciatively.

“~Now, let’s get started~”

Another arm hands you a bizarre looking gun.

“Umm… Thanks?”

Well, that was weird. You stumble along to the medical bay, again following the red line.

It’s a struggle as you walk, your legs feel as though they might give out on you at any moment. Finally though, you manage to get into the room where you left Mika.

“Hey, you awake yet?” You poke the tech priestess lightly. She mumbles and turns her head, but doesn’t wake up.

You set the white orbish gun aside, along with the orange jumpsuit. For some reason, they are really starting to creep you out. “Hey, geargirl!” You shake her lightly.

Still, she doesn’t wake up. “I’m missing an arm!” You yell, shaking her side to side now.

“Awa!?” She bolts upright, eyes wide and scanning over the room. Her eyes narrow as she looks at you, before she jumps backward and hides in the corner. “I-I don’t know what you want, don’t kill me!”

You stand there, stunned. “Errmm… Mika? It’s me, Max.”

She turns around, and realization washes over her face. “M-Max? By the omnissiah…”

She lays you down on the bed, fingers tenderly running across your stump. “Does it hurt?”

“A lot, can you do anything?”

Mika bites her lip, and looks around. “Well, we’re in a complex with a warehouse of parts…”

“So… Yes?”

She nods. “I’ll see what I can do.”

She brings over a mask to put you under, but you stop her hand. “Don’t worry, Mika Stark-san is better than she admits!” Her servo skull exclaims joyfully.

She gently brushes your hair out of your face, before securing the mask… You breath in, looking up into the beautiful face in front of you. The world becomes pink and fluffy for a moment, before you sink into a deep sleep. Mika places a pair of goggles over her eyes, and ignites a torch. “Alright skull-chan, let’s get this shit started.”

She grins as she looks down at your unconscious form, this is her element. You stay out as she works furiously into the night…

Frederick looks up from his repairs as Helena jumps down off of the tank. "Whatcha workin on mekboy?" She asks, leaning over to look.

Frederick finds it hard to talk, Helena's boobs squishing on his head. "Err... Just fixing tank stuff."

"Hmmm... How boring." She complains, pouting. The tech priest mind reels, trying to think of something to say or do.

Helena leans further and Fredericks mechanical arms start moving on their own. "H-hey! Watch it with those!" Helena laughs, jumping back.

"Err... Apologies..." Fuck, he is blowing this! Frederick can't take it anymore, mustering all his courage.

Frederick mumbled something completely incoherent. "Uh, can you repeat that?"

"D-do you want to go to a movie with me!?" Helena looks at him curiously.

"Frederick, are you inviting me out on a date?" The question startles him.


"I would love to go! I'm going to go get cleaned up and then I'll meet you back here at seven!" With that, she heads off.

Omnissiah be praised, did she just agree to a date?

Helena humms happily to herself as she showers, taking extra care to do a good job shaving. "Ohohoho? How slutty are you going to get with this gearskull?" Sarah comments jokingly from the other side of the shower.


"Don't try lying to me girlie, I saw you getting out the sexy panties." Helena looks away, feigning embarrassment.

"I mean, I can't not give him a little fanservice, he did finally work up the courage to ask me out..."

"Which you've been waiting for forever now, blah blah blah, I've heard it a hundred times already."

Thread 10: HE NEVER ASKED FOR THIS[edit]

Mika doesn’t even stop to take a break as she continues throughout the night. She has pulled some serious all nighters before, what for the Admech tests and whatnot, but never on something that required this level of technical craftsmanship. Generally an Admech all night consisted of baking cookies in hopes that it might wake some slumbering machine spirit. She only pauses to take in the sight of you laying there, now with a near complete mechanical arm. She wants to make this her best work ever, she WILL make this her best work ever. She wants to impress you. She wants you to like her. “Aaargghh! Skull-chan I need another servo, can you grab me one?”

“I don’t have any arms onii-chan!”

“Ah, right… Sorry.” You don’t wake up for any of it. No, you are dreaming. There is a massive iguana pestering you while you try to fix your boat, which is suffering from massive motor troubles, it is not a good day to be a fisherman. “Hey! Hey! Are we almost done? I’m getting boooorrreeedddd!!!!”

“Oh skull-chan, you need to be more patient. I haven’t integrated the plasma rifle with the fire control system yet.”

“Awwwwwwww, but we’ve been doing this for HOUUURRRSSSS!” Your eyelids feel like they weigh as much as a landraider, and it’s a struggle to slowly pry them open. You don’t know how long you’ve been out, but it doesn’t feel like much time has passed.

Mika is asleep on a stool beside your bed, leaning over onto the sheets at your side. Judging by the dark bags under her eyes, you gather she’s been at this for quite some time… You give her a gentle shake. “Hey Mika, are you all right?”

She jumps when you rouse her, looking fairly startled. “Wha-what time is it? How long have I been asleep?!”

You shrug. “How would I know? I just woke up.”

It is at that second that you notice something. You shook her gently with your left arm. “Holy shit, it works!” You exclaim, holding your new mechanical appendage in front of your eyes. “I never asked for this…”

“Huh?” Mika asks as she rubs her eyes.

“Err… Nothing…” You can tell just by looking that this is some seriously master crafted shit. Your new arm is mostly black with flourishes of gun metal. You don’t really care that much about the looks of it, what you really like is that you can still feel things with it like you did with your actual arm. “Mika, this thing is incredible!”

She blushes, biting her lip. “I-its nothing that special. I mean, I could only fit four weapons in it… I should have tried harder, I’m sorry.”

"No, don't apologize! You did a really great job with this, I'm really impressed!"

"Well... Its the best I could manage."

“Gee Mika, THREE guns? What am I packing here?” But she doesn’t get a chance to answer you, as your thoughts activate the interior weapon systems. Your hand shifts aside as the barrel of a plasma cannon sticks out and blows a chunk out of the ceiling. “Ahh! Easy Max, I still need to fine tune it while you are awake!”

You are too busy having fun to here his. The plasma gun drops back and a flamer emerges, sending a white hot puff of fire into the air, which feels hot on your face. “T-take it easy!” She grabs your hand and pushes it down onto the bed. “But wait, where is the third gun?”

Mika bites her finger, looking away, before quickly bowing to you. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! But I could only fit in a lasgun loaded with a hotshot cartridge! I’m such a failure…”

“No! You are a damn genius is what you are. Where is the lasgun though?” She gestures quietly at your index finger. “...No fucking away…” You raise your hand like a child would when they pretend to hold a pistol.

“Bang!” The lasgun fires and the light you were aiming at explodes in a shower of sparks. While you gawk over your new arm and how awesome it indeed is, Mika quietly lays back down and falls asleep. After a while, you notice. With a smile, you lift her gently and place her down on the bed. She did a damn fine job for you, she should get some much needed rest. “Thanks for this, it means a lot to me.”

You pull up the sheets over her, give her a kiss on the forehead, and shut off the lights. Completely forgetting as you exit the room, that she has yet to fine tune your new appendage. As you leave Mika to sleep, you have only one thing on your mind.

Your beloved hat is still missing, but you don't know where to look.

You are pretty sure the Galactic Partridges still have it. You tell SLaDOS to let Mika sleep, she’s more than earned as much rest as she needs. You refuse when it asks if you want to help it with some SCIENCE, maybe later but right now you don’t have time. Lycheria is giving you a call, but you don’t have enough signal to answer. “Hey, Rex! Gimme a lift bud!”

“*ARF ARF*” Rex replies, the sound very mechanical. You hop onto the baneblade, which goes storming up the ramp and actually catches some air as it speeds outside. You can barely hold on as the massive tank whips some doughnuts, barking and growling happily the whole time. Finally it lets you off, and you feel a bit weak in the knees as you stumble away from the tank after giving him a tread scratch. “This is Max, I’m too busy being awesome to answer right now, please leave a message after the beep. BEEP!”

“Uh, err… Max it’s Lycheria. I just wanted to know if you were up for joining us for a little traitor burning is all, guess I’ll…”

“Naw I was just screwing with you, what’s up?”

“Haha, damn it Max! Weeeellll, I’m inviting you along.”

“Along for what, exactly?”

“Uhh… To bun some cultists? You know, the usual.”

“Sure, where do I meet you at?” Lycheria gives you the coordinates, and after a bit of fumbling around trying to figure out where those are exactly, you finally know where to go. You finally arrive, after commandeering an abandoned vehicle, about twenty minutes late. There are ten Sororitas waiting for you, most looking a bit annoyed and tapping their feet impatiently. Lycheria seems to be the only one smiling. “Hey there Commissar, what took ya?!” She calls out to you as you park the vehicle and walk up. The word “Park” meaning you hit a ramp TOO fast and flipped it on its back, where it skidded to a halt in a shower of sparks with a terrible screeching noise. “Nice…” A black haired sister comments as you crawl out on your hands and knees.

“I uh… I meant to do that…” Before you know what is happening, Lycheria is at your side, fingering your new arm worriedly. “By the Emperor… What happened Max?” You shrug as you flex the arm. “Eh, nothing much. Lost it in an epic fisticuffs match with a Flayed One. You should see him, really gave him the ol’ what for.”

Lycheria seems to buy it, the others look increasingly skeptical. Her hand moves slowly to your head.

“Ah… Its gone…?” She looks heartbroken.

“Yeah, the fucking Partridges have it, I think.”

The sisters all seem to murmur and glance around at one another at your words. You gather that they don’t think too highly of those glory fiends.

“Yeah but don’t worry, I’ll be getting it back, somehow.” Lycheria rubs your head softly.

“I know you will. But anyways, before we go, we have a surprise for you!” One of the sisters opens the hatch to one of their rhinos and the gate falls open.

A suit of power armor greets you, and this one isn’t a pile of scraps or a terminator side project. “Isn’t… Isn’t that the Blood Ravens paint scheme?” You ask, though you are pretty sure of the answer.

“Haha yeah isn’t it great? We stole it from them after they tried to steal an artifact out from under our noses a while ago. We figured you could wear it.” As cool as it is, you are a bit unsure.

“There uh… There don’t happen to be any of them around, right?” “Oh quit worrying so much, just put it on.” The girls crowd around behind you, pushing you forward.

“Come on, put it on!”

“Put on the armor!”

“I… I really want to see him in it…”

Well, it looks like you don’t have much of a choice. You are just going to have to show these bitches how you roll. “Ladies, I don’t mean to disappoint, but I don’t think this is going to work out…”

“What? Why?”

“It’s nothing, I’ll just go in what I was wearing…” In truth, it’s because the armor was made for an astartes even larger than the Space Wolf who’s armor you had worn earlier. It is evident that you are much too small to fit. You left off the left forearm and your mechanical arm looks miniscule compared to the suit. “Can’t let you do that, Commissar.” The ramp drops before you can start removing the armor. You freeze, staring right into the faces of the ten sisters of battle. Hard girls who have seen their fair share of battle, tough faces. “Oh my gosh he is so CUTE!” They rush you, and before you know it you have a crowd of sisters bustling around you. The sisters prod, poke, and dawww as they fawn over you. “I just want to take him home and bake him a cake!”

“It… It’s perfect…”

“Why do I like it so much?”

"I hope this isn't heresy, I don't want this to be heresy..."

This keeps up for a good twenty minutes or so, and shows little sign of slowing down. Lycheria one of the main culprits. “Hey, as much as I’m really enjoying this and all, didn’t you gals have something planned?” The sisters pause and look between each other again.

“Well I guess if you really want to.”

“We can, as long as you let me feed you afterwards…”

“Err… Sure…” You answer, though really that doesn’t sound too bad.

"Well, we aren't taking the rhinos, we're going to take THAT!" The sister points, and you don't know how you missed it. A landraider.

You grab onto a rung and start climbing onto the top of the landraider, until you hear a sister protest. “Hey! What are you going up there for?!”

“I guess you could say I…” You slip on a pair of sunglasses, “Like being on top.”

“YYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Doomrider screams as he flies out of one warp hole before disappearing quickly into another.

The girls look a bit uneasy after seeing a slaanesh daemon flying around. Whatever, you know Doomrider is too much of a bro to hurt anyone he knows you like. You clamor up the rest of the massive tank, which is incredibly difficult given how badly you fit inside the armor. Finally you stand on the top and pump your fist triumphantly. “Alright ladies, let’s get this show on the road. Get me close enough to hit them with my sword!”

“But… We gave you an axe?”

“Details, now drive!”

The tank lurches to a start and quickly picks up speed. As cool as riding on top sounded, you didn’t think it would be this cool. The Emprah would be proud, you are surfing a landraider. It turns out to be much less difficult and FAR less horrifying than surfing the slaanesh pleasure wave through the warp. It might hurt if you fall, but the armor would likely save you from serious injury. Much better than being consumed by a wave of chaos pleasure energy for all eternity. In fact, you start having some fun. You stop holding on and start just riding it on your feet. The sisters are secretly discussing how awesome you are right now. They are totally oblivious to the fact you can feel their thoughts a bit. A las bolt catches you in the chest plate, jolting you out of your mind rape. “Holy shit, we have company!”

You hear the sister driving yell over the comm. Sure enough, no less than a hundred cultists are charging down a hill toward you, firing their weapons madly. They didn’t come entirely unprepared, two chaos predators in their midst, both of which are blasting away at you. “Time to show them what we’re made of!” One sister yells. The tank accelerates, and you realize they plan on ramming into the cultists.

“It’s go time, motherfuckers!” The tank crashes into the crowd of cultists, sending a wave of them flying. Well, sending a wave of PIECES of them flying. You leap off of the tank, using the momentum of the hard stop. You raise your axe above your head as you soar above the battle. “Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!”

You bring the power axe down in a hard arc, and separate a cultist right through the middle. Blood gushes and you feel a surge of power. That was pretty fucking sweet. The sound of grinding metal catches your attention, and you turn to your left. Just in time to see the barrel of a chaos predator’s main gun pointed right at your chest.

“Aww shit.”

The blast erupts, where you just were but a second ago. You managed to dodge, but the barrel is tracking you. Much to your displeasure, as the gun keeps firing, the predator’s other weapons all start to focus their attention at you. The Space Marine armor may be tough, but you know it can only take so much abuse. You are pretty much out of options. You pop open your arm and engage the plasma gun inside, its worth a shot. At least you hope so. “Oh, are you going to spray me with your plasma you dirty boy?”

“You had better take it all, bitch!”

“If you are going to shoot it all over my side armor don’t get it in my treads!”

You fire.

The plasma connects with the side of the tank! …It’s not very effective.

“Fuck FUCK FUUUCCCKKK!!!” You are doing your best to dive and roll out of the tank’s fire, but it is very difficult in armor so large. “Bolter bitches, where are you!? I’m getting fucking wailed on over here!” Bolter rounds from the tank are colliding with your back and pauldrons. You keep your head down, not wanting it to get shot off.

Lascannon fire arcs over your shoulder, connecting with the predator which retreats back to avoid another hit. “Calm down, we’re not going to let you die before we get to play with you.” Comes a calm response.

A line of five sisters comes charging toward you, flamers turning many cultists into screaming pyres and chainswords sawing through yet more of them. Lycheria leads the attack, looking quite happy as she punches a runty cultist in the face before shoving her flamer into his stomach and pulling the trigger. “Hey Max! You get in over your head?” She jeers humorously.

“If I had my hat on, my head would have been tall enough to handle it.” You join up with them and start hacking away at the cultists, who are admittedly terribly lacking opponents, even for you. Well, it seems like as good an opportunity as any to try out some of your new gadgets. “Hey girls, check this out!” You yell to the sisters, who all turn their attention to you.

It feels like a natural thing, like lifting your foot, as your hand moves aside and the barrel of the flamer extends out. You pick out a nearby cultist, and point your new toy right at him. “FLAME ON!”

The jet erupts and the cultist screams as he is engulfed in flame, slapping at himself in a vain attempt to put out the fire. His voice fades and he falls to the grass, a charred corpse. “Pretty neat eh?”

But the girls don’t say anything at first, and after you roast another traitor you turn to look at them. Several are licking their lips, the rest are biting them. Their faces are flush, eyes fixated on you. They all seem to be feeling absent mindedly at their lower armor. Maybe fire gets these girls hot?

You don’t let up with the flamer, roasting mother fuckers left and right. The girls seem to be getting more and more worked up. “By the Emperor… NATASHA FUCKING USE THAT LANDRAIDER AND END THIS ALREADY!” One of the sisters yells as she tries to shove her hand into her own codpiece.

The landraider seems to pick up the pace, guns firing as fast as they can go. The sisters on the ground stop fooling around as well, looking less glorious and more brutally efficient as they hack and bun. In perhaps ten minutes or so, the battlefield is silent. Piles of ash, severed limbs, and two burnt out tanks all that is left of the chaos force. The landraider parks in front of you, drops its gate, and you are pushed into it by the five sisters behind you, falling to your face. You flip over onto your back as the hatch closes. All ten of the sisters stand over you, breathing heavily. Standing up, you brush yourself off. “Ladies.”

You pull out a cigar that you had pilfered from the Admech bunker on your way out, which you now light with a small burst from your arm flamer. “Everyone will get a chance to…”

You don’t get time to finish as the sisters eagerly start ripping off your pieces of armor. You take a long draw from the cigar, you can see why Creed likes these so much. It takes them a little under a minute to have you down to your skivvies. “Hey now, this is hardly fair.” You protest jokingly as you poke one in the boob armor.

“Oh my, how rude of us.” Lycheria says smoothly, as she disengages her breastplate. In a few seconds, you have a whole lot of hot and sweaty cleavage staring you in the face. You reach down toward your boxers, until you feel something box-like. Withdrawing it, you are a bit puzzled to find a box of Emperor-brand condoms with a small note attached. “The Emperor Protects.” The note reads.

Well, as creepy as the thought of The Emprah somehow getting those there, you are glad to have them. You aren’t ready to be daddy Commissar, but you aren’t going to slip one on until you need it. You swallow hard as you realize what you are about to attempt to pull off. Three daemonettes was difficult, there are over four times as many Sororitas here and they are all very worked up. “Don’t worry, Max, we’ll be sure to take good care of you.”

Lycheria sings as she pulls off her top, revealing bouncy joy that for once in your adventures isn’t of the heretical kind. All down the line, they follow Lycheria’s example. You can feel your blood leaving your head, as you enter what could possibly be the definition of bliss. Things are about to get sexy in a completely non-heretical way. Oh yes, very sexy.

You can only muse at your incredible luck as they press in from all sides, completely surrounding you. Why can’t you hold all of these bouncy funbags? One of them, a black haired one who looks at you coyly, slips off your boxers. Ahh, time to enter heaven. Only nothing happens, and you open your eyes back up and peer down. The girls are all looking at your phallic object, very intently. Intently in a completely nonsexual fashion. “Those are fang marks, it looks like from a Khornette?”

Shit, she marked you! How did you not notice that!? “Oh, that little thing, hahaha.” You wave your hand as if to brush it off. “I was fighting off a ton of them a few days ago, bitches jumped out of a warp hole and started attacking me.” The sisters listen, looking pretty damn skeptically at your tale.

“I’d already killed a dozen or so, see this space wolf bolter pistol? They were there fighting with me.” You show them the gun, several of their faces turn to awe at the sight.

“Anyways, long story short, my pants had lit on fire so I had to ditch them. Two of them grabbed me and as I was struggling one went to ram me with her horns but I struck out with this bad boy and hit her right in the kisser!” You end, and tentatively watch. It seems like every sister bought it, completely.

“Wow, that was so brave!”

“A dozen? You really are strong!”

“I… I want you to attack my mouth…” By the Emprah, that fucking worked?!

“Mmm, this thing defeated a Khornette? I want it.”

With that, the black haired Sororita engulfs your phallic object. She bucks in pleasure at first, which surprises her, but then she calms down to enjoy the ride. The others press in, rubbing you all over with their sweaty bodies. They take turns kissing you, lightly biting your neck, and whispering likely non inquisition-approved things in your ears. They are even taking turns with your heavy bolter. The sensation is indescribable, the pleasure too much to bear as you feel the slight differences between each of them. The bustier ones like to switch up and snag you with their heavy armaments, and you slide quite easily between them with how wet you are now. Even Lycheria seems to be enjoying her turn, smiling as she works your phallic object up and down with her impressive Immolators.

“By the Emprah, this is so good…” You moan, as they lay you onto your back to continue.

“H-hey, you skipped me!”

“Hush up, I’m not finished with him yet.”

“…I… I haven’t gotten a chance yet…”

They argue and vie for a position, but you don’t care, they aren’t ignoring you in the slightest. “Uh, I hate to break you guys up, but I think it might be time to let this gun fly.”

They line up on their knees, shoulder to shoulder as close as the ten of them can get. Their mouths are open, tongues sticking out ready to catch your plasma. All of them looking like they are enjoying this a whole lot. Fuck, this is going to have to be one impressive maneuver… You take aim at the one on the far left as you plant your feet. “Haaaaaaaaahhhh!”

You fire off your plasma cannon, and at the same time spin quickly to your right. A jet of plasma streaks out, arcing insanely as it soars forth. It's…

A miss.

Giggling, one of the sisters turns to another and grabs her head. She licks off the girl’s eye of your plasma. “Haha, thanks!” She says, opening her eye back up. Lycheria laughs as she wipes her mouth, licking her fingers afterwards. She sits down to your right and squishes your arm between her breasts. “Impressive shooting, for a guardsman.”

Another sister coos as she sits at your left. Another makes a cute face, which is covered in your non-heresy juice as she hands you a bottle of ‘nidade. You chug it down in a matter of seconds. “Don’t think you’re done with your duty yet, Commissar. We haven’t even started driving to base yet.” A blonde haired Sororita says as she stares you in the eyes and runs a finger under your chin. Oh shit, they are right! The landraider hasn’t even left the scene of the battle yet!

Thread 10.5: THE PLIGHT OF HAT-CHAN[edit]

Your world was plunged into fear and darkness. You could do nothing as you watched Max being flayed as he ran by the horrible Necron chasing him. You couldn’t even cry out as you watched with horror as his arm was severed. You could only sit as the Apothecaries tended to him, barely clinging to life. You did your best to give him the only thing you could.


For a hat can show neither fear nor sadness. The Partridges, concerned only for glories imagined, abandoned you inside this tomb, as they carried Max away. You haven't seen him in what feels like forever now, no way to keep track of time. Has it been hours? Days? Years?! It’s so cold down here, barely enough light to reflect off of your dirty metal. What you wouldn’t give to have another cleaning by those cute Dark Eldar girls. Though thinking of such things does little to curb your heartache at being separated from your best friend.

You know the other Necron has been watching you, but she’s scared to approach you. That’s fine by you, for all you know, Necrons eat hats. Hope is all you could give Max, and so it shall be that hope is what will carry you back to him. Though you admit, it wouldn’t hurt to have a friend… Wait, what was that? Just now? Footsteps? Could it be?

Yes, you feel joyous as the heavy footfalls draw closer and closer. It sounds like there are several pairs of feet walking. You do your best to primp up your fibers, deepen your colors, shine your metal. Its Max, it has to be! A cold, hard hand lifts you from the ground, another joins it and they slowly turn around. Your heart falls as you see the face before you, barely illuminated in the dim light. “Well well well… I may have missed the man, but destroying you may prove enough a snack to carry me over until the day I kill that Commissar.”

Abbadon sneers at you as one of his men hold you up to him. Fury surging through you, you bristle as hard as you can. If this is your end, you will see it through as Max would. Head held high with you upon it.

“The flamer, you dogs, the flamer!” Abaddon grins maliciously as another of his followers steps forward, brandishing a flamer as he too laughs at your coming demise. “You have no idea how I will enjoy this so you little bastard.” Abbadon continues.

His follower raises the flamer, and you can feel heat surging through your fabric as a puff of flame comes far too close to you. This is your final moment, and you shall go out with as much courage as you impart to your dear friend. The chaos marine with the flamer cackles as he pushes the flamer forward. This time, it won’t fall short.

You will die as you lived, without any regrets.

“Not so fast, I’ve come for the hat, and I. Will. Have it.”

“YOU?!” Abbadon spits furiously. “YOU!?!?! Khorne’s daughter?! Get out of here wench, this is no place for little girls!”

Kaleshi grins, her eyes alight with an evil fire. “As I said before, you failure of a “warmaster”, I’ve come for the hat. And the Queen of the Khornettes doesn’t take no for an answer.” She licks her chainaxe before starting it up. “You mad my daddy wouldn’t give me over to you? He doesn’t provide gifts to failures, which is why he wants me to have that delicious Commissar in his name.”

Abbadon laughs coldly. “As much as I want to ravage that body of yours, whore, I’ll enjoy watching your entrails being ripped out just as well.”

Kaleshi glares, fire igniting at her feet. “Whore? Max has been my only conquest, and will be my only conquest. I’ll not have you wrecking my husbando’s favorite thing!” She smirks, running up her own armor, than biting her second digit. “I’m going to like doing this!” She cries, suddenly charging forward.

The chaos marines turn to fire at her, but they are all far too slow. You watch as the tremendous dance of blood and axe begins. The khornette whirls and swings, the axe roaring as it arcs gracefully, almost effortlessly. Blood and chunks of armor and flesh spew out of its teeth as it digs in again and again. She’s laughing now, her face one of pure bliss. Though perhaps not as happy as when she was with Max in the warp. The marines begin to falter as they watch their numbers quickly dwindling. Despite their fear, they fire everything they’ve got. Though it must not be nearly enough. The Khornette dodges and spins, her armor easily deflecting anything that manages to land. She swings down hard right into the skull of one of the marines. Brain matter erupts and is shot around the small tunnel by the whizzing axe blade. The Khornette is covered in blood and gore now, which you gather she enjoys. A lot. “Ahahahaha! I love this! I love it so much!” She cackles as she severs another marine in two right at the waist.

Abbadon is backing up now, and his follower has dropped you to raise his bolter rifle. The few remaining marines fire feebly, none of it having an inkling of effect on the blood crazed daughter of a god. There are only four of Abbadon’s cronies left now, one of whom slides, covering you in dirt which sticks to the blood and gore which has sprayed over you. She could get you as dirty as she wants, you know she’s going to reunite you with Max. She wings the axe at the back of one of the marines who turns to flee. It catches him right between the shoulder blades, burying itself deeper and deeper until it emerges from his front. He grabs at it in disbelief for a moment before falling dead. The Khornette’s fist bursts into flame which jets outward, engulfing another marine. He screams a terrible scream of pain, falling to the ground in a desperate attempt to put out the fire. It boils him alive inside his own armor. The last remaining marine grabs out his own power sword, and leaps forward in an impressive downward swing. You bristle, there’s no way she can avoid that!

At the last second, Kaleshi catches the blade with her own gauntleted fist. She wrenches it out of the marine’s hand and spins it around before plunging it into its owners eye. The smoke has cleared, the blood has settled, and the Khornette now stands facing Abbadon, who now faces his alone. “Y-you…!” His mouth continues to move, but emits no sound.

“Yes, me.” The Khornette smiles, bending down to retrieve her axe. It gives you a nice view of her head. Despite her hair being covered in blood and guarded by two horns, you have to admit, somewhere deep down inside… You kind of want to feel what it’s like to sit there. “Now then, how shall I punish you, “warmaster”.” She mocks him with every word, clearly reveling in his burning hatred.

“Your father… All of the chaos gods will hear of this!” Abbadon shouts, backing up even as he does. Without his arms, he is more or less defenseless.

“Oh? Tell them then. TELL THEM NOW!” She swings the axe and it nicks Abbadon’s face, leaving a small cut right under the one Max made, which looks like it will scar. “Tell them, little despoiler, you the mighty warmaster of the black crusades! Tell them how you have failed this day to even torch the hat of your new nemesis! Tell them how your own personal guard were cut down by but a single daemon!” She kicks him in the chest, and Abbadon falls backwards, unable to balance.

“They will cast you out! Siding with a dirty servant of their enemy the false emperor!” Abbadon yells, kicking madly as she approaches him.

“Will they now? Nurgle who is making him a special gift? Will he turn against me? Or Slaanesh, who would give anything to make Max it’s greatest champion? Perhaps Tzeentch, she doesn’t like him very much, but she likes the Emperor who likes him. Maybe my own daddy, the great Khorne, who cares for me above any other? Well Abbadon, which one will cast me aside?!”

She swings her axe down, and you jump a little at the impact. Abbadon opens his eyes back up slowly, he had expected death. Instead, Kaleshi bends down and retrieves something, which she grins and holds up. “How pathetic.” She muses happily, standing over him. “Now. Beg me for your life!” She spits in Abbadon’s face.

He glares back up at his. “Never.” He hisses through gritted teeth.

Kaleshi smiles before looking around, her eyes settling on something. She retrives it quickly, and returns to standing over Abbadon. You can see now what she’s holding, Max’s severed arm.

“Plead for me to spare you!” She brings the severed limb down and strikes the warmaster across the face with it. “BEG ME! CRY, SNIVEL, PLEAD! I. WANT. TO. HEAR. YOU. SAY. IT!!!” With every pause she strikes him with the forearm.

Her swings must be stronger than they look, you notice Abbadon’s head is now bruised and bleeding. “I…I….. Spare my life!” Abbadon relents, tears in the corner of his eyes.

Kaleshi’s face is a contorted malicious grin. You would be absolutely terrified if she looked at you like that. “Very good, I’ll reward you.”

She forms Max’s severed hand into a fist and grabs Abbadon’s jaw, wrenching it open. With one swift movement she plunges the arm down right into Abbadon’s mouth. She doesn’t stop until it’s wedged in his throat.

“Oh good, you can still breathe? Tell me next time we meet what your followers say when they have to remove that.” She pats Abbadon on the head before poking him roughly in the eyes. Clutched in his hand, Abbadon’s top knot.

Finally settled with Abbadon, her gaze turns to you. You perk up, a bit worried at what she might do. But her eyes are soft and she’s wearing a genuine and loving smile. Her armor ignites into flame, before vanishing into smoke, leaving her wearing a basic black set of sweat pants and sports bra. She bends down to retrieve you, and you can’t help but notice the bit of cleavage.

Soft and delicate fingers wrap around your brim, which is covered in a grizzly mess from the fight. She brushes you off as best she can, before giggling. “I may have gone a little overboard, sorry for getting you so dirty.” Her fingers trace your bill lovingly as she does her best to clean you off.

“Ah, it’s no good. We’re going to have to get you clean before we can get you back to Max.” She raises you higher. Is she really going to do it? Can it be? Yes! She places you on her head, nestling you between her horns. The feeling is very different, and you know the other hats would gawk at your heresy, but wow are you enjoying this. Its way different than any other head, and your previous dispositions about the horns are quickly erased. They feel cool and hard against you, but it actually is surprisingly nice and feels cozy. Despite the fact both of you are covered in obscene amounts of gore, you are glad she put you on. She walks out of the cave with you perched atop her white hair, which is quite slick with blood, brains, and the like. “GET WHAT YOU CAME FOR?!” Doomrider shouts from his bike, tossing aside a handful of syringes.

She nods, showing you off triumphantly. “LOOKS GOOD!” He gives his a thumbs up even as his other hand reaches into his satchel. “Thanks!” She smiles.

“But it will look better on Max… I hope he’s alright…” The Khornette suddenly looks worried, and as much as you try to console her, it’s a sentiment you share with her. You don’t know what you would do if you lost your best bro. “ANYWAYS, WHERE WE HEADING?!”

“Well, I can’t give Max his hat back all covered in blood and goo. So let’s head back to the warp, I’ll give him a good cleaning! As unnerved as you are at the prospect of returning to the warp, you find that you really do want a good cleaning. Yeah, you really want some hot khornette scrubbing action. She takes a seat in the sidecar of Doomrider’s bike, and waves her axe around in a circle. “Blood for the blood god!” Kaleshi yells.

“JUST DRUGS FOR ME THANKS!” Doomrider shouts before gunning the engine. A warp hole opens up in front of the bike, and you aren’t sure what you are feeling in your creases as the bike lurches forwards and picks up speed.

Oh well, like it or not, you are headed to the warp.

Thread 11: PLAYA IN A LANDRAIDA[edit]

The landraider makes for quite a bumpy ride as it rumbles along the rocky terrain. Though admittedly this is not what’s on your mind. You are, after all, sitting inside with almost a dozen of some of the most deadly zealots in the universe.

And they are pampering you.

When the sisters find out that you’ve been pretty hungry for a while, they bust out a plethora of food. The table fare ranges from local stuff they’ve picked up, smoked fish and whatnot, to some of their own rations. You are a bit annoyed at how much better their rations are then what the guard supplied you. While you were chewing on protein pucks they were indulging in preserved fruit and vegetables. Not that you are going to voice your complaints.

After about half an hour of riding, and stuffing your face perhaps more than you ever have, the tank finally sighs to a stop.

The sister’s have claimed some administratum building as their base, or so you surmise. The area outside of the place is littered in papers and various office supplies. Whoever left here, they did so in a rush. Inside the building is heavily fortified, two automated heavy bolter turrets guarding the front door alone, and several bored looking sororitas cleaning their weapons.

Everything seems to be going, as much as it surprises you, fairly smooth. This only puts you on edge, life on Yagis V has not been easy on you, and you don’t trust that to change.

Your rampant paranoia is acknowledged, when a more mature and particularly fierce looking sister steps into your path.

“And pray tell, what are you girls doing with HIM?” She points at you, and the sisters look sheepish under her fiery gaze.

“Oh, it’s no problem, sister…” You gesture with a thumb toward a few of the Sororitas behind you, who are carrying the armor they stripped off of you.

“As you can see, I’m with the Blood Ravens.” The canoness raises a skeptical eyebrow.

“You? With the Blood Ravens? Surely you jest…” You do your best to act natural under a gaze which could probably out melt a melta.

“I’m from a different world, and they claimed me as a relic. Something about a link to their chapters past or something, I’ve been trying to find out ever since. These sisters are simply going to help me with a bit of maintenance, as I don’t possess the required materials at the moment.”

She smiles at your words, like a cat at a mouse. “Do tell then, what exactly have you been doing with your… Brothers?”

“Steal artifacts, mostly, kind of our shindig.” You reply with shrug. A drawn out moment of very uncomfortable silence passes, you are trying not to sweat as you wait.

The canoness finally nods, and turns to go back to her business. “Sounds about right.” She murmurs before heading off.

Holy shit, you didn’t really think that would work. Your heart is drumming in your ears, you don’t know what would have happened to you had she found out you were lying. You are fairly sure, however, that you are glad not to know.

The sisters break out into giddy but muffled laughter as they smuggle you deeper and deeper into the structure. They seem to be happy to not have been discovered as well. Finally they push through two heavy wooden doors and you follow them into their makeshift bunk.

There is one thing you notice right off the bat.

They have beds. Not those terrible canvas-on-sticks “cots” that you were supplied with, generally less preferable than the ground they sat on.

Real, clean, plush beds. “I can’t hold it in any longer, you are so damn lucky and I’m jealous as all hell…”

The sisters giggle furiously as they close the door and bolt it behind them. It seems they either didn’t hear you, or don’t really care to respond. “I can’t believe that worked!”

“I know! I thought she was going to roast him alive!”

“…We would have gotten punished as well…”

Well, good to know they were so confident...

Smiling, giddy, and beautiful faces lead you hand-in-hand through the room. As cranky as you are at the obvious preferential treatment, you can’t really be mad at the moment.

You follow them as they lead you right into…

A large multi-head shower. “Why the fuck is there a shower in an office building?”

The girls ignore you as they start stripping down and washing off. Your own body and most of your brain starts ignoring that part of you as well.

Not wanting to reek of sweat and battle, you start cleaning yourself up a bit as well. The hot water is amazing, and you recall you haven’t had many opportunities to clean yourself up since the turn of events that followed the annihilation of the guard here. You even take the opportunity to get a nice close shave with a razor supplied by a chesty sororita.

Several others get jealous of her as she applies the shaving gel for you. They close in and before you know it, you are being attacked from all sides as they each try to fix you up in some way. It isn’t efficient, but you certainly aren’t about to stop them. After you finally can’t take any more of the heat, you walk back into the other room as you towel off.

It appears that the girls who left the shower before you have been busy. They’ve arranged the beds together to form one giant one. It’s like they did the impossible and somehow combined them.

You collapse face first into the pile of starched white sheets and fluffy pillows. After everything you’ve been through, it feels like heresy to be this comfortable.

So comfortable, in fact, that you start falling asleep. Or would, if there weren’t ten dripping wet sororitas wrapped in nothing but short towels standing around you. “No rest for the wicked, eh?”

The girls laugh. “Not until we’re through with you.”

They jump you before you can react, and you find your limbs being held down, each sat on by a sister. Well, it would seem sororitas prefer to shave, might be more comfortable in their armor.

Your musings are confirmed as Lycheria jumps up and straddles you. “I hope your body is ready.” She coos.

“I’m not going to lie, so do I.” She gently maneuvers your phallic object into position, and he stretches in preparation for her exercise.

You have to admit, watching that cute silver haired sororita riding you. You could easily get used to this.

And it appears you are going to have to, as nine others wait for their respective turns. One by one, they take the bull by the horns and finish themselves off. By number 7, you are really having a hard time holding on.

The ones who have taken their turn already lay down near you, with satisfied sighs.

Finally, the last one bucks her hips and trembles as she collapses on top of you. Leaving you with a fully primed melta gun and no one to man it.

“Uhh…” Lycheria looks up from her position snuggling your right side.

“Oh, how rude of me.” She leaps back on top of you, and before you can reach for your protection, she snatches you up with her mega milks.

Lycheria grins as she watches you squirm, grinding you between her Emperor’s gifts. It may not be heretical, but damn does it feel good. It doesn’t take more than a minute for her to finish you off, and when it finally happens you feel as though all your energy is completely expended.

You fall asleep before she can even quip wittily about you making a mess. When you finally come out of your hibernation, you notice you are the only one in the room.

A hastily scrawled note informs you that they had to leave early for some important mission, though it doesn’t say what. Meh, you’ll sleep another hour or so while you think of what to do next. Wait… What’s this package on your chest…?

You rip open the brown paper, and gawk openly at what you see. “HAT-CHAN!” You grab him and hold him up to the light.

He sparkles back at you, once again quite cleaned up. “Dude I thought I’d lost you forever! I was going to rip this planet asunder in my search for you!”

“Yeah well, it ain’t easy being a hat while pimping this hard.”

You unfold and read a small red stationary. “Dear Max, thought you might like this back. Get me something nice, you owe me <3. – Kaleshi”

You quickly get dressed, and in a last final motion, place your beloved hat back upon your head. You feel instantly complete. “Oh yeah, now I’m ready.”

You are going to need a chance to pick up something really nice for Kaleshi, you owe her more than some sloppy thrown together gift. As such, you decide against giving her a ring right off the bat. You don’t have to instantly barrage her with thanks, you have a feeling she already knows.

You are a bit on edge as you start to sneak out of the building. It would be a lot to explain if the canoness caught you now with a commissar hat. You would probably be explaining it to a flamer.

You would probably be on fire…

Quickly, however, you discover your ninja skills are quite unnecessary. You seem to be the only one here. Whatever called out all the Sororitas must have been fairly important, you make a mental note to ask Lycheria about it next time you talk to her.

It’s probably time to let Mika get freaky on your arm again, you know she wasn’t quite finished when you left. You are quite glad you remember how to get there, your arm has started having some errors. As in, every few hours or so at random, it attempts to strangle you and you almost feel like cutting off the hand and attaching a chainsword to it. But it’s probably a better plan to just let Mika fix it.

So you set off to procure a vehicle to ferry you to the bunker. You don’t think the sisters won’t mind, you just have to return it like you found it. Surely that’s possible…

As tempting as some of the other options are, you feel the bike is probably your best bet. You have driven one before after all, it’s completely inconceivable that you will somehow wreck this one.

You hop on the large, intimidating bike. The first thing you notice is the two bolter rifles sticking out of the front. That is pretty cool, and you have to really restrain yourself from testing them out.

The bike starts easily, and chortles happily as you get settled in. Hmm, what’s this?

An engraved plate reading “Canoness” on the fuel tank? Ah, well, what could go wrong?

You rev up the engine, and squeal the tires a bit as you tear out across the pavement. The wind feels good in your face, and you find yourself having a bit of fun. You might just have to pick yourself up a bike. If you ever make it off this planet alive, anyway.

The bike rumbles harder as you turn your wrist, pushing the speedometer as high as you can get it to go. Unable to help yourself any longer, you slow down and take aim at an abandoned civilian transport.

With a squeeze of a trigger, the bolter rifles open up. The hail of fire tears into the vehicle, ripping off a door and punching holes larger than your fist through its thin metal. Finally a bolter round catches the fuel tank and the whole thing ignites in a fireball, blowing the glass outward. That was pretty satisfying…

You whip your head suddenly to your left, something having caught your eye. Through the alleyways separating buildings, you think you make out a glimpse of fire.

Your suspicions are confirmed as Doomrider catches some sort of ramp and flies overtop the low buildings, before crashing down on the opposite side of you. “SUP!”

“Hey! What’s going on man?” You shout back.

He faceplants a bowl of cocaine before pulling his head back out and shaking it off.


“Hey, thanks for that man! I owe you one!”

Doomrider laughs heartily.


This might be a good opportunity to get some info. “Will do! In the meantime, do you know anything I can get her as a thanks!?”

Doomrider scratches his chin inquisitively while at the same time tossing back a bottle of some black liquid that you don’t think you would try.

“WELL…” He finally says. “SHE DOES LIKE BLOODBOWL!”

You think that over for a few seconds. It’s not surprising, but you don’t know how you would take her to a bloodbowl game, you doubt there are any here. “IF YOU CAN BEAT ME, I’LL EVEN GIVE YOU TICKETS! FIRST ONE ACROSS THAT BRIDGE IN THE DISTANCE!”

Doomrider’s cackling voice shatters your thinking. Can you beat Doomrider in a race?

“I’m not going to take it easy on you!” You grin and shout at him. Doomrider revs his engine in response.

You grip your own controls hard, and get your mind ready. You don’t know the top speed of this thing, but you know his bike is really fast. Beating him on speed alone might not work, you may have to get tricky. The two of you thunder down the road, picking up more and more speed as you go. You notice his bike definitely has an edge as far as speed is concerned, not that yours is by any means a slouch.

Your hand is twisting the handle as hard as you can manage, holding the throttle all the way open. This is the fastest you’ve ever gone on land, you are fairly certain of that. A river looms ahead of you, and it looks like you have several options to get across.

It’s a split second decision, but you point your front tire right at the arm of a crane. It’s a bit of a drop onto it, but if you can get enough speed, you should be able to fly to the far side of the river. You give it everything you’ve got, pressing the bike as hard as it can go, trying to coax out all of its speed.

The road drops out and you fall for a few moments, the engine revving madly against no resistance. The tires crash down onto the arm of the crane, and squeak as they catch traction. It’s too late to turn back now, you gun it. Despite the steep angle, the bike quickly regains lost speed and tears up the crane arm. You hold on for dear life.

You realize, only too late, that this is going to be a really, really hard landing. The bike roars furiously as it soars into the bright sky. You have to squint against the sun in your eyes, you can’t do this blind, that’s for sure.

You pick out a mound of dirt on the far side of the river, that seems like the best place to aim for. Though the ride seems agonizingly long…

Doomrider is beneath you now, having decided to jump to the barge. He had to turn around to line up his second jump though, meaning you are slightly ahead!

Your stomach plummets as the bike begins its decent. You try to angle yourself right, the only thing you have to go on is those clips of astartes on bikes jumping titans. You hope your calculations are right. Clenching your teeth hard, you brace for impact.

The bike lands hard, but you managed to catch the back side of the dirt. Surprisingly, you lost very little speed on the landing. Maybe too little.

You have to pull the handles hard to avoid hitting a light post, but you’ve made it across.

Turning the bike, you skid to a halt.

A few seconds later, a laughing Doomrider does as well.

“YOU RIDE THAT LIKE A NATURAL, KID!” He slaps you on the back, his flaming skull a giant grin.

“I got lucky, you’ll get me next time.” You laugh as you feel your heart finally slowing down.


Doomrider hands over an envelope, bro fists you, and wheelies his bike into a fresh warp hole.

You sigh in relief, very glad he didn't invite you along, you aren't sure what a slaanesh orgy competition involves, and you might be better of not knowing. For now, at least. Curious, you open up the white envelope. Being sure to avoid touching the slime green glob throbbing on one side of it, whatever that is, you don’t really care to know.

Inside, two tickets. “Dastardly Daemons Vs. Da Stompiest”

Worth it, though you groan as you feel the pain pulsing in your groin. Well, you are getting fairly close to the Admech stronghold, you shouldn’t stick around here long. The thought occurs to pick something nice up for Mika too.

Well, the Voxshack is closest, and it sounds like some place she might enjoy shopping at. The door is locked, but seeing no one around, you don’t think anyone will care if you break in.

You pick up a nearby bench and chuck it through the shop window. “Ah! You're breaking my glass?!”

you use your metal arm to create a hole large enough for you to slip into. “N-no! There’s no way you can fit! Ahhhh!!!”

Though it’s still a tight squeeze, you manage to pull yourself inside of the dark store. “Hah! Yo-your inside me?!”

You start to browse around, snatching up a couple bags. You aren’t really sure what she would want, so you simply start pulling things off shelves at random. 6 pack of promethium cell batteries, sure why not. Servo cleaning kit, void-dragon brand diodes, AOL version 7654 disk, servo skull hat, baneblade treats…

When you finally have several bags full, you figure it’s enough. It takes you a few minutes to get it all to fit inside the saddlebags. You don’t want to leave the canoness’s stuff behind. Digging around to make room, you find a clean pair of her underwear. White with a pink bow, she might not be so evil after all. Though you probably shouldn’t bring that up…

You hop back on the bike, now laden with gifts, and set out toward the stronghold. It’s still a bit of a ride, so you enjoy yourself by taking potshots at random objects with the two front mounted bolters.

You hear the mechanical bark of the baneblade “Rex” as he rushes out to greet you. What a weird tank he is, but at least he’s friendly. You admit you wouldn’t want to tango with his bristling weaponry.

Reaching into the saddlebag, you grab out a treat and chuck it to him. You aren't exactly sure what the treats are, but it said "NOW WITH 55% MORE OIL!!!!!" on the side, so you assumed they were good.

Rex runs the treat over, his antenna wagging happily. You reach out and scratch his side armor, his antenna increases speed. Well, whatever. You drive the bike down the ramp and into the large open space, slowing to a stop and resting the bike on its kick stand. You climb off the bike and fix your clothes up a bit, not wanting to look too windblown.

SLaDOS lowers itself from the ceiling slightly to meet you. “~Welcome back, if you are looking for Mika, she is helping me with something at the moment and is quite unreachable.~”

You look up at the robotic eye skeptically. “Helping you with what, exactly?”

“~…Science…~” The robot chimes back after contemplating your question.

Well, you decide to wait. It’s not like you have much going on. SLaDOS offers you coffee, which you decline.

It than asks if you want an orange jump suit, which you also decline. Instead, you lay down on a bench and reach around to grab a magazine out of a box.

“Admechgirl! Inside: The dirtiest servitors you can even imagine! Servos vs Gears, hear the professional opinions! Is that a basilisk barrel in your pants or are you just happy to see me? Find out the REAL low-down on increasing your size! Featuring: Nikki “six arms”, read her tips on a proper claw job!”

You flip through the pages, becoming less and less interested as you do. This magazine isn’t nearly as cool as you though it would be…


“Aww sweet!” Frederick hisses as he sees the latest Admechgirl. He looks around, making sure no one is looking, before opening it up.

“Oh omnissiah, those parts…” His eyes are glued to the magazine.

He sticks it inside his robes, as interested as he is, he's way more excited/terrified at his movie date with Helena, which its almost time

After several bored minutes of reading, you look back up at SLaDOS, which hasn’t taken its eye off of you.

“Hey, can’t I just go find Mika?”

The robot’s eye whizzes softly as it zooms in at you. You realize now how creepy this thing is. Though judging by what you just read, it’s probably ridiculously sexy to a tech-priest. You try to get into the mindset, but brushed metal and slightly exposed wires just don’t do it for you.

“~Well, Commissar, if you are that impatient…~” A mechanical arm reaches out, clutching a white orb-looking gun. At least you think it’s a gun. “Is this uhh… The only way to find her?”

“~Indeed so!~” SLaDOS responds cheerfully.

“Well… I guess I’ll give it a try…” You reach out wearily and take the gun, which is surprisingly heavier than it looks.

“~Well then Commissar, let’s begin the SCIENCE!~”

“Wait, I thought I was going to find M…” A trap door opens from beneath you, and you plummet downward before you can finish your sentence.

Faster and faster you slide, for what feels like a very long time until the passage starts leveling out. You slide out of a wall and fall hard onto your ass on a cold tile floor. The passage behind you seals itself shut.

Looking out, you see a high glass wall in front of you, which stops about ten feet below the high ceiling. Through the glass you can see a large pad close to the glass wall.

“~Now then~” You hear the voice of SLaDOS chime. “~Let’s get started!~” She sings cheerfully.

You don’t know if you like where this is going… It doesn’t appear that you have much of a choice, you finger the white gun nervously.

Holding it as far away from your face as you can, and turning your head, you depress the trigger. A small noise and no explosion, thank the Emprah.

You slowly turn to see what it did, and you notice a large orange rimmed black void on the wall in front of you.

“…SLaDOS, have I ever told you how sexy I think you are? Those wires and that multi-zoom lens? That seriously gets me hot.”

“~Oh Commissar, you are amusing. Perhaps you require some… Motivation?~”

A door hisses open to your left, and a white orb like thing turns toward you with its red eye. “Beep boop, purge the heretic.” It chimes happily, before panels open and you see two gun barrels sticking at you.

You barely manage to jump out of the way as the autocannon fire rips past where you just stood. Holy shit.

This isn’t a motherfucking game.

“Yeah, no, this isn’t fun.” You switch out your plasma cannon and shoot the turret.

“I’ve always loved you…” It says before exploding. You whip out your communicator and dial Mika’s number.

Fuck, she didn’t answer. After you wait a few seconds, you dial it again.

“Hey, sorry!” You hear Mika exclaim as she answers.

“Oh thank the Emprah…” You sigh in relief.

“…M-max? What’s up?” She asks, surprised at you giving her a call. Its the first time a boy has called her, after all.

“Mika, listen to me very carefully. SLaDOS has dropped me through some kind of trap door and I don’t know where I’m at.” You talk slowly, making sure she hears everything.

After stumbling through a particularly large and pitch dark section, you manage to trip and fall face first through a doorway. “Ah!!!” Mika yells in surprise, leaping back to avoid you. You pick yourself up and dust off your clothes a bit. The tech priestess is facing you, but looking around as if she doesn’t know what to say.

“Well, that was weird.” You finally comment. You can see a bit of relief on Mika’s face, since you were the one to break the silence instead of her having to.

“Y-yes, SLaDOS is acting very strangely…” She fidgets with the sleeve of her robe.

“Yeah, strange in a homicidal mad heretek way.”

Mika giggles quietly. “I don’t think she meant it, like I said, I think she’s just bored.”

You grab her hand suddenly, and give it a squeeze with a smile. “Come on, I brought you some stuff.”

Mika starts walking after you, but her cheeks are completely red and she doesn’t look like she knows what to do. “You have really soft hands…” You comment as the two of you walk, you rub her hand with a finger, causing hers to shiver slightly.

“T-t-they aren’t great, they aren’t even mechanical…” She trails off, looking away.

You raise her hand to your own face, looking it over. Mika has really soft skin, a bit pale, but really its pretty much perfect. “I don’t know why you would want to replace these, I think they are perfect as is.” You press your lips against her hand, giving it a soft kiss. “W-wha!!!”

Mika jolts in surprise, her face turning back to you, beet red and eyes spinning. “Well… Give me a second here…” You hear her set down the device and start typing.

A door to your right hisses open. “That’s a secondary access tunnel, follow that and I’ll find you. As for SLaDOS, she’s just bored… I think…”

You take Mika’s advice and walk as quickly as you can through the tunnel. There are several more automated turrets, and though they seem inactive, you blast them with your finger lasgun to make sure they don’t shoot you in the back.

You grin as you give it another smooch. “Ahh!” She pulls away and hides inside her hood.

“Aww come on, don’t be like that…” You put your hands on her shoulders.

“You are really cute, you know.” You pull her hood off, revealing her very embarrassed face and currently untidy hair which is pulled into a hasty ponytail.

“I-I’m not… I’m not cute…” She tries to put her hood back up, but you take both of her hands in your own.

“I’ll be the judge of that. Now come on, I want you to see what I got you!” You start pulling her along lightly, but you notice she’s lagging a bit.

“Something wrong?” You stop and ask.

“It’s n-nothing… I’ve just been on my feet all day…” She says quietly, toying with a strand of her hair with one of her mechanical arms.

“Oh, I can help with that!”

In one swift movement you crouch down, grab her by the thighs, and lift her onto your back.

Mika lets out a startled cry as you stand up, and she wraps her arms around you tightly. All four of them. “W-ww-what are you d-d-doing?!?!” She stammers.

“Relax, I’m not going to let you fall.” You assure her. Mika’s face is pressed against your back.

“I-isn’t this hard on you? You should let me down so you don’t strain yourself…”

“I used to do this for my little sister if she was tired out, so It’s no problem.” You turn your neck and smile at her.

“…Y-you have a lit-little sister?” She asks, and it feels like she relaxes a bit.

“Yeah, a little brat of one. She likes getting me into trouble, but she’s actually pretty nice to me.” You talk about Helena a bit as you continue to carry her back to the main room. Finally, after several winding hallways, you’ve arrived. “~Commissar, so good to see you again!~” SLaDOS sings.

“Please don’t do that again…” You groan back. You set Mika down lightly on a bench, and despite looking very nervous she doesn’t scoot away after you grab the gifts and sit next to her. “Here!” You smile as you set a bag in her lap.

She stays frozen for several seconds, before nervously looking to you. “F-for me? Are… Are you sure…?”

“Come on, I want you to have them, open them up!” You smile reassuringly as you take her hand and lower it down to the bag.

Slowly and quietly she reaches in and pulls something out. “A…Admechgirl…?”

FUCK, how did that get in there? “Haha, must have grabbed it along with that copy of Gearskull…” You pluck the magazine out of her hands and toss it aside.

She doesn’t look angry though. Instead, Mika is looking at you out of the top of her eyes, her face angled toward the floor. You can barely see her pupils underneath her hair, but you can tell she’s wearing a faint smile.

“…Anyways, grab out something else.” She obliges and pulls out the pack of diodes.

“Ahhh~” She stares at them, open mouthed.

“Err… Do you like them…?” She doesn’t look like she knows what to say.

“I mean, it’s cool if you don’t… Plenty o’ other stuff in there…”

But you stop when you realize she’s grabbed your hand, and you notice her eyes look a little watery. “Are they a bad thing to gift a tech-priestess? I’m sorry if I’ve offended you or something.”

Mika shakes her head slightly. “I-I’m not mad. It-it’s just that…”

Her lip is quivering a bit and she’s trembling again. “N-no one’s ever given me diodes before… I… I don’t know what to s-say…”

Out of nowhere she erupts into sobs. “Whoa! Hey there, no need to cry!” You put an arm around her shoulders to comfort her and she hides her face in her sleeves.

“Sorry, I must have screwed up.” Mika shakes her head more violently this time. “I-it-its not that… I like them… I-I really like them…”

She lowers her sleeves, and despite the tears she’s wearing the biggest smile you’ve ever seen on her. “It’s the nicest… The nicest thing anyone’s ever given me…”

“B-but… I don’t have anything for you…” Her smile fades a bit. You laugh, lowering your arm to her back and giving her side a little squeeze.

“Spending some time with me is way better than me giving you some little gifts. And the mechanical arm is pretty awesome.” She gasps and then beams.

“The arm! I almost forgot, I need to finalize it!” You don’t protest as she grabs your arm and pulls you to your feet. She looks so happy she’s practically glowing.

She giggles and informs you of some of the technical aspects as she walks you to the workshop. You don’t understand any of it, but you nod and smile. You just like hearing her voice. Mika pushes open the doors, leading you back into the little shop she’s set up for herself. Rows of assorted gears, strands of wire, a metric fuck-ton (actual imperial standard measurement) of tools.

“Um… You’ll need to take your shirt off…” She bites her finger and looks away, embarrassed. You comply, pulling it off and setting it aside.

She reaches out slowly, her delicate fingers drawing nearer and nearer, finally placing themselves on your chest. She pulls back slightly at the touch, and looks you in the eyes. You smile. She does too.

Gently she pushes you down onto a table, and you lay flat on your back. She takes your mechanical arm in her own hand and pulls it away from you slightly so she can work on it. Despite the arm being metal, you can still feel the soft caress of her fingers as she places them in different spots along it.

You watch as she works diligently, her eyes matching your content smile. It feels a little strange when she starts adjusting things, despite that, you find yourself enjoying the moment. Mika hums quietly to herself as she makes minor adjustments, turning a screw here, calibrating a servo there… You can tell she’s enjoying herself too.

“…There…” She closes a panel and secures it. “It’s finished.” She smiles sweetly at you.

You start to get up, but her hand stops you. Mika is looking away, biting her bottom lip. “Actually, there’s one last adjustment I need to make… Can you… Can you close your eyes for just a second?”

You lay back down and shut your eyes. Soft hair tickles your nose, and it takes everything you’ve got to not open your eyes right the hell now.

You feel soft lips plant a tender kiss on you cheek. “Eeeek!!!” Mika jumps back, covering her face.

“I-I-I can’t b-believe I just did that!” You stand back up, grabbing her hands and gently moving them aside.

There isn’t anything you need to say, as you lean in and kiss her. She jumps as your lips touch, but you don’t let her retreat, and after a second she stops trying and one of her mechanical claws softly wraps around you, followed slowly by her hands.


“Master Abbadon, we’ve arrived…”

Abbadon nods, than has to blow the hair out of his eyes, which are seething in fury. “Show it to me.”

One of his followers runs his gauntleted hand across the object, wiping away countless millennia of dust. “…Are you certain this will work master?” Another follower, a sorcerer, asks tentatively.

Abbadon smiles, a mirthless, cold endeavor. “Certain? Nothing is certain. However if the fools of the chaos gods think they can simply whisk me aside into obscurity, than perhaps it is time I find new gods.”

Abbadon’s heartless laugh echoes throughout the chamber as he peers down at the symbol. The white and black two-tone skull sneers its toothy grin up at him…

You awaken from your deep hibernation, your roar petering off into a yaaawwwnnnnn. Fucking bear leaves, you sleep like a ROCK on bear leaves. Scratching at your flaming head, you awaken a few daemonettes in the process, who smirk up at you and poke you in the belly.

"Right, probably time for breakfast then, is it?" You wake the other thirty or so daemonettes up, as you stand up and stretch out.

"Yeah, definitely time for breakfast." You sluggishly wander over to a cupboard and pull out a big box labeled "instant cocaine!"

Pouring yourself a generous portion, you grab the cup and sit down. You inhale the contents quickly, and it perks you up.

"AHHH, NOTHING LIKE THE FIRST CUP OF COCAINE IN THE MORNING!" Just as you reach for a second helping, a daemonette slaps your hand away. "OI, WHAT GIVES!?"

She wags her finger at you. "Don't give me that, you know the doctor said you need to start monitoring your cocaine intake."

She sets down a plate with a crepe on it. "...REALLY?"

"Naww, I was just fucking with you." You and the daemonettes consume no less than fifteen boxes in an hour or so.

Thread 12: ORKS IZ MADE FOR ROKKIN![edit]

Mika slowly pulls away from you. “That was…” She’s looking away, one of her mechanical arms twiddling madly with a piece of her hair.

“Good?” You inquire.

“Better than good…” You enjoy several more hours with her, in which she is kind enough to make you quite a delicious sandwich. You wish she would ditch her robe so you can see what’s under it.

“*ARF ARF*” Barks Rex from the entry room.

“Ah!” Mika exclaims suddenly, looking back.

“I forgot, today I need to run some maintenance on Rex!” She hurries out with you in tow.

Rex is sitting there in all his banebladedness, busying himself trying to get into the bag with his treats. “You should go get some stuff done.” Mika smiles, before looking at the tank.

“This is going to take… Quite a while.” She adds, noticing several issues including oil leaking from one of the forward guns.

“Err… You sure you don’t want me to stick around?” You ask, eyeing SLaDOS nervously.

Mika laughs. “Well, I would, if Rex here wasn’t VERY concerned with how you are around vehicles.”

“Wait, you speak baneblade?”

“I DO speak baneblade…” Mika plants a quick kiss before whipping around to grab a toolbox and sprinting off to Rex, her face noticeably red even from where you stand.

You grin, you won’t let her get away so easy next time, but you shouldn’t press the issue today. The cannoness’s bike is all ready set to go, now you just have to figure out where to ride...


From the moment you first saw one, you developed a distaste for Orks. It could be due to the fact the first Ork you ever saw nearly chopped you to pieces, but you digress… Never in all your time though, have you seen the Orks acting so damn bizarre. For fucks sake, the skull showed you footage of Orks BATHING.

Now watching from a relatively safe distance through your binoculars, you swear they have put on their Sunday best… The sight of an Ork in a peacoat, albeit one several sizes too small, severely unnerves you.

“Something just ain’t fuckin right…” You mumble to yourself. Two boys are helping a nob with a tie, they themselves already crammed into hideous mustard yellow suits.

You watch in abject horror as a gretchin walks out of a nearby trukk, wearing a no-shit frilly white dress. Even more terrifying, the Orks gathered around begin to bow politely to the gretchin… Who courtesies back at them… What the fuck? “Didn’t your mother ever tell you it’s rude to spy?” A quiet, dignified voice inquires.

“Ahh! Fucking ghost voices get out of my head!” You roll to your right, clawing at your temples, before you realize the voice wasn’t in your mind. Too much warp shit might have you a bit paranoid.

Turning slowly, you swallow hard at the sight. A lone figure, staring you in the face from but feet away. …The white frilly dress accentuating her exquisite full breasts. Green breasts. “Oh Emprah if you are going to breast I MEAN, eat me, please kill me first.”

The Ork girl gives you a quizzical look and tilts her head slightly.

“Also why don’t you speak…Orky?”

She smiles, blue eyes gleaming in the sun. “WOT? CHU MEAN MOOAR LIKE DIS DEN EH? DIS ‘OW CHU WANT ME TA SPEAK TA YA HUMIE?”

You reel back quickly. “No! NO. Please go back to the first way.”

She snorts with laughter before giving you a more scrutinizing look. “You don’t look like a beakie, but you are very brave to be out here alone and so lightly… Armed.” She toys with your mechanical bits absent mindedly with her left foot.

“Yeah well, didn’t have much choice about that. I don’t need a lot of weaponry anyways.” You aren’t sure why you are telling her this, but you don’t think she is going to kill you… Probably.

“Also I picked the hat over a bigger gun.” You add as you stand up. You are fairly tall, but she has you beat by a few inches. Though it could just be her heels.

She looks thoughtfully at your Commisar hat and after a few moments turns away.

You can’t help but notice, in stark contrast to the other Orks, this particular one is quite beautiful. And Female. Her full pink lips flaunt a light playful smile that makes your heart flutter. Her skin looks incredibly soft despite a more athletic frame. She definitely works out, but from what you can see it must just mean she is lean and sexy underneath that dress. Even through the frills you can make out her hourglass figure.

“So what is your name? I’ll admit this is the longest conversation I’ve had with an Ork.” The girl laughs, her brown hair blowing in the wind.

“Dakkaren, my dad isn’t exactly original when it comes to stuff like that.”

“Alright, well… How should I put this…” You put on your best thinking pose.

“Why are the Orkz acting like a buncha gits?” She finishes for you.

“Yes, that.”

The Ork girl smiles. “Well, you are about to find out.”

You don’t know how you missed the heavy footfalls, but the loud breathing behind you makes you groan as you turn around.

A massive Ork is grinning at you, two immense tusks jutting out of his lower jaw. “Hahaha, wotz dis den? Find ya a ‘umie playfing did ya Dakkaren?”

Before you can move, he’s grabbed you around the torso with his gigantic power klaw. He brings you up to his face, looking you over.

“Oh daddy, he’s just curious is all…” The Ork girl laughs.

The warboss squeezes you even harder. “You isn’t tryin ta hurt mah wittle pwincess is ya? Imma krump ya good fer dat.” You can’t even breath as his klaw tightens further.

“No… Sir…” You gasp. His grip loosens a bit, but only enough for you to barely breath.

“As a matta ah principal, I usually jus get stompy wif ‘umies…” The power klaw loosens enough for you to fall to the ground, clutching at your sides as you gasp for air. You aren’t going to be able to avoid that massive foot coming down on you.

“Hold on, don’t kill him yet.” Dakkaren puts out a hand and stops the warboss despite the fact that it looks like he could crush her with a nasty look.

“Iz you sure ‘bout dat?” The warboss looks a bit disappointed. It is at that moment that you realize something.

The warboss is wearing a black suit, or at least a very Orkish attempt at one, over his armor. The Ork girl nods. “Well, youz da prettiest you iz…” The warboss beams, and lowers his leg.

“T-thanks for the save?” You ask the Ork girl.

“Well, we’ll see if it was worth it. I may be the princess but I’m not really the boss.” She giggles.

“Also, please call me Karen. It sounds a bit more civilized.” Before you can answer, the warboss grabs you again and holds you above his head.

“C’mon humie, wez got fings we need ta git dun.”

The two start down toward the other Orkz, with you unable to escape the clutches of the warboss. “While I’m up here, mind explaining to me how you guys made a girl? …Did you loot her…?”

“Hah!” The warboss snaps.

“I lost me arm in a roight good fight wif some beakies dat got into me ship. Grots left it and soon nuff dis one here popped up.” He smiles down lovingly at Karen. You didn’t think an Ork face was capable of such a thing.

“Err… I didn’t think orks could pop up as anything but… Well… orks?” The warboss snorts at your comment.

“I told da grots ta jus git rid a da lot of em, didn’t need ah buncha new boyz poppin up on mah ship. Dis one ‘ere got roight krumpy wif dem, stole a choppa, an cut off mah toe.” He holds up his foot and smiles down at it.

“It wuz den dat I knew, dis one ‘ere was roight killy.”

“Oh daddy, you’re embarrassing me.” Karen punches his shoulder and the warboss laughs.

“So let me get this straight, she grew out of your arm, killed a few grots, and became the princess…?”


“Well, fair enough I guess. Anyways, mind letting me go now?” The warboss laughs and sneers up at you.

“Let ya go? Ya isn’t da boss if ya let ‘umies go.” He chuckles, waving you around a little bit.

“Err… Karen. Mind if you tell me what’s going to happen?” The work girl shrugs.

“Well, if you can best daddy here in one on one combat you might be released, maybe.” …That isn’t very reassuring.

There are now Orks looking curiously at you as the warboss carries you through the crowd. One tries to take a swing at you but the warboss knocks him aside with the power klaw carrying you. “OI! YOU GITZ BACK OFF, DIS ONE IS MINE!” He roars, swinging you around in front of him, which is very painful.

He holds you back in front of his face, looking at you hungrily. “Now den ‘umie, you an I is gon ‘ave sum fun…”

As he sets you down, you notice a wall of weaponry.

Slowly you reach out and pick up a weapon. Well, not exactly a weapon.

The guitar in your hands is heavy, and looks to be made almost entirely out of metal looted from guitars, various tanks, and you even recognize a bit of Imperial coffee maker. The warboss chuckles from behind you.

“Now dats an intraesting choice dat iz.” He reaches out with his power klaw and grabs a massive guitar in the shape of an axe with what looks like flamers poking out the side of it and a chainsword for a neck.

“Get me mah rockin arm ya grots!” He fires several rounds from his triple linked autocannon right arm, mostly at the feet of a few nearby boyz but a few rounds hit them in the legs.

A few seconds later, a Mekboy is busying himself attaching something else that you can’t see. You finger the guitar strings nervously. This isn’t the first time you’ve played one, Helena made you learn so you could play while she sang. But that was a long time ago.

The warboss leaves into the crowd, and you didn’t get a chance to see what they attached in replacement of his autocannons. That is, until a massive stage is illuminated to your right, to the roar of the Orkz.

The warboss lumbers out, absolutely shredding on the guitar. “DIS ‘UMIE ‘ERE FINKS EH CAN OUTROKK DA WARBOSS, WAT CHU BOYZ TINK A DAT?!”

The crowd roars furiously at his words. Grinning, the warboss increase his speed. Those are some fucking tasty riffs. You feel a knot in your stomach.

You can see what’s replaced his arm now, it looks almost like an ogryn arm really. From here, you can barely read the tattoo on the side of it. “V. Halen”

The warboss raises his arm high above his head, clutching the guitar in his power klaw. His song begins.

What follows is likely the Orkiest thing you’ve ever witnessed. The warboss is absolutely tearing up the guitar, his power klaw somehow incredibly dexterious as it flies over the neck. You can’t really understand the vocals though, most of which consists of varying lengths of “Waaaggh!!!”

However the crowd seems to be absolutely eating it up, driving them into some kind of frenzy of swinging choppas and flashing shootas. The warboss seems spurred on by this, and is swinging the guitar around like an axe even as he continues to play. The crowd tosses an unlucky grot onto the stage and the boss dives into an even harder solo even as the teeth of the guitar neck sever the grots head.

After what seems like ten minutes, and the final eardrum shattering guitar tapping solo, the warboss’s song ends in a blaze of flamers. The boyz around you immediately start cheering for an encore, but the warboss holds up his hand. “I’ll give ya gits moar afta dis ‘umie.”

Very suddenly you are snatched up by the crowd, who drag you forward and onto the stage, tossing you up onto the riveted metal surface. You turn around, squinting against the massive floodlights. The biggest crowd you and Helena ever played was maybe two, four hundred people.

There are at least five or so thousand Orks screaming in this crowd.

You start off slow as your hands get used to the massive guitar. You’ve got a song in mind, one of the few you ever did any vocals for. An ancient Terra relic, but a damn fine tune. Too bad you are going to have to make this damn Orky if you have any chance of pulling it off.

As you become more used to the feeling, you are ready. The Orks hang on the silence between bursts of guitar. One final gasp of air…

“Bosses gathered in their massesssss!!!”

“Just like Wyches at black masses!”

“Orky minds that plot destruction!”

“Weirdboys of Mork’s construction!”

“In the fields da boyz is looting!”

“As the waaagh squig keeps turning!”

“Death and hatred to mankind!”

“Poisoning their brainwashed minds…”

“Oh Gork yeah!”

The Orks go nuts. Gunfire erupts through the crowd as they scream, slamming their choppers into the ground or at each other and screaming their warcry. You aren’t sure how to interpret this, but you don’t stop, your fingers loosening up and starting to feel good. A burst of warp energy near you, and Doomrider steps forth even as he picks up the song and continues with the rhythm portions.

“Politicians hide themselves away!”

“They only started the waaggh!”

“Why should they go out to fight?”

“They leave that all to the boyz!”

Doomrider is shredding right alongside you, and you are really going to owe him one after this.

“Time will tell on their power klaws.”

“Making waagh just for fun.”

“Treating boyz just like pawns in chess.”

“Wait ‘til their big stompah comes.”


You can feel the rock flowing through you now as you and Doomrider synch together perfectly. You didn’t know he played guitar, but he does so exceptionally. In reality he’s probably way better than you are.

“Now in darkness ‘ctan stops turning!”

“Ashes where the bodies burning.”

“No more war squigs have the power.”

“Hand of Fork has struck the hour.”

“Day of judgment New York is calling!”

“On their knees the grots are crawling.”

“Begging knobs for their sins.”

“Tzeentch laughing spreads her wings.”

“Oh Spork yeah!”

Holy shit, relief washes through you as you and Doomrider start into the final guitar portions. Your heart is racing, and despite the fear, you somehow enjoyed that. You notice the warboss yelling along with the rest of the Orks, though whether or not it's a "I'm going to kill you for beating me" yell, you can't yet be sure.

As the song finishes, Doomrider tosses you a quick salute before stepping back into a warp hole and vanishing.

After the last blast of guitar reverberates across the makeshift stadium, the crowd falls silent.

The crowd parts, and the warboss hops back on stage, eyeing you.

“Dat wuz…” He snatches you up in his klaw yet again.

“DA ORKIEST FING I’VE EVAH HEARD!” He yells, raising you over his head.

The Orks in the crowd lose it. “Waaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!” They scream up at him.

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” He returns. With that he drops you and leaps down into the Orks below the stage and starts crowdsurfing.

They scream their warcry even louder as they rush in one massive mob out of the area, waving choppas and firing everything they’ve got. Several split off and hop into various vehicles, including a stompa, and follow the rest of the Orks. This leaves you almost alone inside the massive stadium.

Karen claps and cheers up at you. “Err… Where did they all go?”

“To go fight something, where else?” Karen says as she shoots her thong up at you like a rubberband.

The thong hits you in the face, and you grab it before it falls. Pink with frills. On an Ork… Really? Karen laughs and jumps excitedly.

“Encore! Encore!” She yells.

“Eh, do you really want one? I’m pretty beat…”

“Boo!” She cups her hands.

“That thong is worth at least ONE song!” She hounds you.

“Really?” You heckle, holding it up and giving it a comically curious look.

“If you don’t play me a song, I’m taking it back…” Well, what should you play the Ork princess for an encore?

You dive right into a song from your youth. It’s an old one that you once witnessed playing on an ancient Terra computer system that the Admech had been working on.

They were busy with their litanies of “work you piece of shit, fucking machine spirits ugh…” while doing the rhythmic dick slapping massage, when the computer fired to life. It’s quite an intricate song, and pretty tiring. You only manage to play half of it before Karen looks a bit bored.

“Well, let’s try this!” You shout, breaking immediately into “Cliffs of Cadia”. Only your fingers completely flub it and both of you wince as the amps whine in protest.

“Well, that didn’t go as planned…”

“Maybe you’re tired after those songs?” Karen asks.

You’ve been holding back your secret weapon, but it might be time. It’s never failed you before after all, you are just going to have to change up some lyrics…

“Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and the Ork girls are pretty.”

“Take me home~” You repeat the chorus.

“Just an urchin liven under the streets”

“It’s a hive world that’s tough to beat.”

“I’m your Commissar so buy me something to eat.”

“Creed’ll pay you at another time.”

“Now get your ass back in line!”

“Rags to thrones or so they say”

“Ya gotta keep pushing for emprah and fame”

“It’s all a gamble when it’s just a game”

“Ya treat it like a heretical crime”

“Everybody’s doin’ the time!”

“Strapped in the chair of the city’s purge chamber”

“Why I’m here I can’t quite remember”

“The Apothecary general says its hazardous to breathe”

“I’d have another cigar but I can’t see”

“Tell me who you’re gonna believe!” Karen is dancing along, well, you think it’s a dance anyways. Do Orks dance?

Just before you can continue into the next set of lyrics, something flies into your mouth and you grab your throat. Coughing hard, you pound on your chest as you realize you are choking on whatever it was. Karen jumps up on stage, raises a choppa over her head, and smacks your back with the flat of it.

The blow knocks whatever it was loose and it goes flying out of your mouth. “Let’s play again sometime onii-chan!” The twenty legged hairy flying centipede calls out to you as it flies away.

"Nice end to the song..." Karen trolls you as you gasp for air and look around for something to drink to get the feeling of small hairs out of your throat. She hands you a bottle of something dark red, and you quickly take a drink. It’s warm…

“Wut is that?” You ask without swallowing.

“Squiggoth blood.”

“PPPPFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!” It sprays out of your mouth.

“Not good?” You use your sleeve to clean off your tongue.

“Not for me.” She laughs at you as she hands you another bottle, this one water, which you quickly slam.

“Well, I liked it until that last bit.” She giggles as you set the guitar aside and lay down on the stage.

“It’s been a long time since I played anything.” You tell her about the humble band you and Helena had together. She listens fairly intently, you didn’t think an Ork could have that kind of attention span.

“So what’s your story? How is it, being the princess and all?” Karen lays down next to you, hands under her head and legs crossed. Her foot bounces a bit as she thinks.

“It’s ok, I guess. It can be a lot of fun, but it’s also a bit depressing to be the smartest one in the group sometimes.”

“I can imagine. Well, no I really can’t, but I can sympathize.” Karen extends her arms out as though reaching into the sky.

“There are a lot of things I like, but what I love most is getting to travel around the stars.” She says dreamily.

You contemplate that. It was kind of the reason you joined the guard. Well, that and the court order… “Now that I can understand, a bit. Still though, it has to be weird for you I would think.”

Karen looks over at you, her face lit by the stage light. “…Sometimes. Daddy’s great though, and most of the rest of them like me now. It was tougher early on, I got picked on a lot for being so small and girly.”

“Hmm… That had to be hard on you.” The two of you lay there for several long minutes.

“Can I have my thong back by the way?”



“While, I guess if I have to…” You hand it back to her. She stands up and lifts a leg as she hikes up her dress to put it on. You catch a brief glimpse of her ass, and wonder to yourself if it’s the most heretical thing you’ve seen while on the planet. You wonder if she shaves her legs, or if they are just smooth like that, you don’t think Orks are naturally too hairy.

“Ohohoho…” Karen says coyly.

“Uh! Err… Nice stage you’ve got here.” You quickly pretend to marvel at the Orkish construction. She plants a foot on your chest and smiles down at you.

“Get a good look, human? Good thing daddy isn’t here, eyeing up her little princess…” You break into a cold sweat.

“But I’ll forgive you if you take me squigback riding!” She shouts cheerily after an uncomfortable pause, and she grabs you by the arm and lifts you to your feet. You follow her over into a very Orky stable, complete with guns jutting out of walls and several arms that end in saws of various sizes and types.

Inside, you find what you will be riding. Squigs. Big ones.

“How are we even…” But she cuts off your train of thought as she slaps a saddle down on one of them.

“C’mon, saddle him up! He won’t bite! I think?” You reach out and grab the saddle off the wall, before looking back at your own squig.

“That’s a good… err… squig. Let’s just slip this on and…”

The squig gnashes out at you as you get close, and you have to jump onto the gate of a stall to stay out of it’s teeth. “Aww, I think he likes you!” Karen comments as she rides her squig over.

“Really!? REALLY!?”

“Well no, that one has always been kinda mean…”

"Alright you round fuck, I'm going to ride you and you are going to like it." The squig eyes you as you drop down, saddle in hand, and activate your flamer.

He goes to try and bite you, but a burst of flame in front of him causes the squig to stop. "That's right, I am the boss!" You slap the saddle on its back and cinch it down.

"Ooh, good use of the flamer!" Karen claps her hands excitedly. "Ugh, this dress isn't going to work..." She shifts uncomfortably in the saddle.

"Go change, I'll wait."

“Are you sure about this, master?” Abbadon turns away from his reading and glowers back at his subordinate.

“Is this doubt? Do you doubt me now? All of you?” His minions shuffle slightly at his words, glancing around at each other.

“Oh, so its fear then is it? You fear this new god whilst the others mock us?” Abbadon doesn’t wait any longer.

He begins the chant, the archaic scrawl through which he will regain his lost honor. The lighting in the room flickers, as though shadows are moving across their paths. “…Warmaster…” One of the marines protests, hefting his bolter.

Abbadon doesn’t cease now, instead increasing his pace. His head feels woozy, but his body… Oh yes, his body.

The shadows seem to be collecting around Abbadon, overlapping his armor as though stuck to him. “How is that possi…Hurk?!” The marine talking is suddenly cut off as his flesh begins to ooze out of his armor.

“Master Abbadon! Help us!!!” Another pleads as he too begins to melt. Abbadon ignores their screams, he is slave to this feeling.

The flesh of the now silent marines arcs in grotesque motions as they begin to form together as they creep ever closer to the warmaster. “I will bring hell to this world, with you as my lord.” Abbadon smiles, having said all he needs to.

All at once, the flesh descends upon him. Malal gazes into the mortal plane.

Today marks the start of his rise.


“Yeah, go for it, just don’t take too long.” Karen ties her squig to a post and runs down the stables until she is out of sight.

Several minutes pass… You sit anxiously on the saddle of your squig, who is still acting quite annoyed with you as he shifts his feet and clacks his jaw. You wish Karen would hurry up…

“Alright, this is much better!” She shouts as she hops over a fence into the stable. In place of her dress, she’s now wearing a set of armor that looks custom-fit. Segmented pauldrons complete with spikes, gauntlets and shin guards, and a form-fit breastplate. It looks like something that would normally be worn into battle.

“Why the armor?” You finally ask.

“Huh? Oh this?” Karen gives her own armor a look over.

“Well… You never know what you might run into out there.”

“Fair enough.” You shrug. Karen laughs, but your ears are ringing.

You groan as you clutch your head, your vision blurry. It feels like the worst migraine you’ve ever had just stepped up its game. “Max!?” Karen yells, dashing over to your side.

But you don’t hear her. You can’t hear anything.

Finally the ringing subsides, and is replaced by another. With a trembling hand you pull out your communicator and look down at the screen. “Incoming Video Transmission from: Gary Oak”

You press accept. Abaddon sneers at you through the hologram.

“How good of you to answer, I was beginning to think you were perhaps too incapacitated.” You hear what he’s saying, but you have a hard time concentrating on it. Your head still aches. Though you do your best to try to conceal that fact, you have the feeling he knows.

“What do you want? I’m up for a rematch but we really should play something less one-sided this time.” You taunt him, trying to put on a strong front. Abbadon chuckles, mockingly.

The hologram zooms out until you can see the whole of Abbadon’s torso. Including the two new arms of rippling muscle wrapped in almost pure white flesh, as well as a new centerpiece on his front plate. A two-tone skull you don’t recognize.

“Oh but Commissar, the game has just begun.” You cry out as your mind seems to split open, as though ripping apart from the inside in some desperate attempt to escape your cranium. You grab at your temples, your hands greeted by a warm slippery mess. Your ears are bleeding.

As you convulse in agony, the only thing you can hear is Abbadon’s voice. Karen pulls you from the saddle, and wings the communicator across the stable, doing her best to try to help you.

Your body collapses as you lapse into unconsciousness.

The ladle Esh was holding slips from her fingers, clattering to the floor. “Farseer, did you fe…”

“I did.” Esh cuts off the intrusion quickly, but doesn’t take her eyes off of her stew.

If only she could still focus on that, the perfection of the recepie she’s been working on. Esh bites her lip in anxiety, her vision losing focus. She's worried about Max, having felt him just bear the brunt of a very strong energy. She turns her head to look out the viewscreen. “What was that?” The other elder asks as he wrings his hands together. “Malice…”

“Malice!?” Nurgle belches, before scowling and wiping off his mouth with his arm.

“You know you aren’t welcome here!” Tzeentch hisses, putting a hand on her bulging belly as the Emperor steps between her and the newcomer.

“Oh my friends… How long it has been….” Khorne has had enough, he kicks over the table he was sitting at and hefts his axe.

“I’LL REND YOUR BONES TO DUST!” He howls, leaping forward and swinging his weapon in a fiery arc. Malal cackles joyfully as he absorbs the blow.

“Yess… Yesss… Give it to me… Give me… More!” Khorne keeps attacking madly, almost foaming at the mouth.

“That’s enough!” Slaanesh howls, one of its tentacles wrapping around Khornes arms and pulling him back.

“Have you forgotten you oaf? You can’t just slice him open.” Nurlge reprimands Khorne before turning back to Malal, his usually joyous face now a icy glare.

“It’s time to play… After so long… Its… MALICE’S TURN!” Skeletal hands erupt from the forgotten god, whipping around the room. The Emperor, having seen more than he cares to, steps forward with a thrust of his gleaming sword.

With a cackle, Malal’s form turns to shadow and disappears. None of them say anything for several moments. “Well this... Was not something I’d planned for…” Tzeentch finally admits, sitting back down.

You finally peel your eyes back open, and wince at the pain. “Easy now, don’t push yourself.” Karen says, pushing your head back onto her lap.

“What just happened?” You groan, rubbing your eyes. The Ork princess shakes her head and looks out into the world beyond the stable.

“Something terrible, I fear.”

Thread 13: ME MAX, YOU TONYA[edit]

The massive pain in your head finally passes, leaving you feeling normal.

Well, downright terrified, though that is relatively normal for a guardsman.

“Do you know that guy on the hologram?” Karen asks while she massages your temples.

“I do. Though last time I saw him, he didn’t have any arms.”

She screws her face up a bit at this.

“No arms?”


A few minutes of silence pass by, the wind having picked up a bit and the air growing colder.


“Eh.” You shrug.

“Want to help me fix up my ‘eavy arma?”

That’s how you found yourself, screwdriver in hand, helping an Ork princess do some modifications to a heavy and surprisingly not super Orky suit of armor.

“Thanks for doing this, it’s difficult to get good help around here.” Karen smiles as she reaches for a spanner.

“Really? Seems like you guys are genii when it comes to this kind of stuff.” You reply through gritted teeth, having pinched the web of your hand in a joint.

“Well, they are good at a lot of stuff…” Karen muses as she turns a bolt.

“But, they don’t seem to understand that I don’t want to weigh this thing down even more by NOT strapping even MORE dakka all over it.”

You stop dead, this is absolutely not correct.

“You can never have enough dakka…” You eyeball her, this is obviously a trap.

Karen laughs and sets her tool aside, before gesturing down at the left arm which is bristling with guns.

“If I add any more, I won’t be able to lift the arm up.”

You tap your screwdriver on the shoulder.

“That’s why I’m thinking we add a rokkit launcha here.” You grin.

"Well, dats roight Orky it is..."

The two of you work well into the night, replacing plates with too much damage, repairing wiring, adding that rokkit.

With a yawn you lay down on a wooden bench inside the Mek shop.

“Done already?” Karen teases.

“ah tareasd” You mumble incoherently, already falling asleep.

“Want the Dok to fix you something up so you can stay awake?”

“Please no…”

Karen giggles and turns back to her armor, continuing her work even as you drift off to sleep.

Several hours later you wake back up, groggily rubbing your eyes.

You realize Karen is carrying you in her arms.

“This feels backwards…”

“Oh hush up and go back to sleep.”

Finally she sets you on a relatively comfortable bed, and you pass out almost as soon as your head touches a pillow sewn crudely into the shape of a choppa.

Your dreams consist of annoying Helena by placing a few rubbers spiders around the inside of her tank. She hates spiders…

Something gives your shoulder a shake.

“You might want to wake up, the waagh party is coming back.”

You sit up with a yawn, stretching your arms above your head.

“Hmm… So?”

“Probably a bad idea to stick around here while they are still all riled up from a fight, it would be hard to get out of here once they return.”

You check your communicator, at least its morning.

Karen walks with you through the camp, keeping an eye out for any early birds.

Finally you both arrive at the edge of the makeshift Ork settlement.

“Well, this was by far my Orkiest day.” You yawn again, scratching your side, you need a shower.

“Mmm…” Karen mumbles, kicking the dirt and glancing up at you though you don’t see it.

“It was good to play again though, haven’t had a chance to do that in a while.”

A pair of hands grabs you somewhat roughly by the head, turning you around.

Karen’s face presses forward and in a split second your lips meet.

She’s aggressive about it, and despite that you are actually enjoying it.

Finally she pulls away, poking at her chin as she looks off in the distance.

“Err… Cool?” You ask, still not sure what really happened.

“Haha... Sorry… It’s just that I’ve always seen that in some of the looted movies we get, but I don’t really have any desire to kiss any of da boyz…”

You kissed an Ork... And you liked it?

A horn blast and clatter of shoota fire in the distance causes you both to look over toward the horizon. Even from here, you can make out the dust cloud.

“You’d better go.” Karen says, not looking away.

“Yeah. Um, you got some way I can contact you?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah!” She pulls out a mess of wires, gears, and riveted plating. You notice there is also a gun sticking out the side.

You give her your frequency and she gives you hers, though you have to interpret it over to something you can actually enter into your device.

With a final goodbye, you sprint off out of the camp, cutting a 90 degree away from the incoming Ork mob.

Even as you run, you think of something to do next.

You jump back onto your bike and rev it up, trying to put as much distance between you and the Orks as you can. Karen was fun, but you don’t like the idea of being around a bunch of blood thirsty Nobs who maybe still have a battle hard on.

…Can Orks even get a hard on?

You decide that, out of everything, is a question you never want answered.

The cannoness’s bike soars over the rough terrain, and you decide you will have to thank her for letting you borrow it when you get back.

Despite knowing you could return to somewhere of relative safety, for some reason you have the hunger for a bit of danger.

You cut the engine and coast as you approach the tomb, looking around wearily for any sign of the necron who almost gaussed you in the head after shooting up the flayed one.

The bike finally slows to a stop, and you’ve seen no sign of life. Or mechanical xeno monstrosities.

Quietly you slip off of the seat, the grass and leaves barely crunching underfoot.

You start to walk toward the mouth of the tomb, still looking around cautiously.

From what you remember, they taught you in training that a necron can take some serious punishment and keep going. Your right hand rubs at your mechanical arm as you continue to stalk forward.

You hope if you do get into some kind of fight, it will be enough.

Peering down into the darkness inside the cave causes a knot to form inside your stomach. Is the flayed one who wore Doug’s corpse still down there?

Is it dead?

Something plants itself in the small of your back.

Before you can react, it boots you down into the tomb and you tumble down into the darkness. Steely mechanical laughter echoes along with you.

You are falling fast down the relatively steep incline, rolling end over end.

You stick out a foot to try and stop yourself, but it hits something hard and the pain reverberates through your entire leg and into your back.

All you can do is try to protect your head as you continue to slide and roll.

Finally you skid to a stop as the chamber levels out. You are bruised up from the fall, though thankfully it doesn’t feel like anything is broken.

You feel around, nothing seems out of place.

Still, you are winded hard. You wipe the dirt off your face and blink it out of your eyes. You also pull off your hat and brush him off.

As you pick yourself up from the ground, you hear something skitter in the darkness.

Scratch that, several things.

All at once, they rush you from all sides.

Flayed ones, dozens of them.

Including once again, the one wearing your best friend, now sporting several gauss burns on the flesh.

You activate your plasma gun, but it’s too late.

Several grab you in their bladed claws, pulling your arms back. Though they don’t cut into your flesh, they will if you struggle.

The flayed ones all look to the one wearing your friend, who paces in front of you as he looks you over.

You notice something else.

He seems to be wearing your arm. Well, the skin off of it anyways. You recognize your tattoo of your home world’s emblem on what used to be your forearm.

The flayed ones communicate in hisses and clicks, you don’t know what they are saying.

All at once, they close on you, surrounding you.

You wretch, gag, rotten flesh pressing in on you from all sides.

Energy crackles through the air, and you feel your stomach drop.

You vomit as they teleport you.

s your head stops spinning, you open your eyes, incredibly dizzy.

You wipe the puke off of your mouth, though the stench still clings to you it seems. The smell of rotten flesh, that is.

An icy cold hand suddenly clutches you by the throat and lifts you into the air. You swing at it, trying to break its grasp, but it doesn’t seem to relent.

Looking down, you notice a particularly large necron with lots of gold frills and extras hanging off of him. He seems to be grinning at you.

“Welcome, little flesh bag.”

You continue to struggle, but it doesn’t seem like much use. The necrons all around seem to be laughing at you, the flayed ones scraping their claws together as though hungry.

You gather up as much sanity as you can muster, focusing your mind.

With a glare you blast it out.

Several of the flayed ones beyond are thrown backwards, sailing end over end.

The necron holding you though…

His cape ruffles as if caught by a breeze.

He cackles squeezing harder.

You can’t even struggle now, your head on fire from the inside it seems. Your hands can only grab weakly at his.

“You are a tough one aren’t you, perhaps your face shall adorn the throne of Valgul. What an honor.”

He throws you aside and you collapse to the ground, grabbing at your throat as you gulp in air.

“I’m not done yet… Motherfucker.”

You stand up, doing your best to look tough despite the fact your brain feels like mush inside your skull. Your eyes feel wet and when you run a finger along one, you notice it gets soaked with blood.

Pulling your arm back, you prepare a punch that will break the heavens.

Or send you sailing off the platform you are on and into the vorpal nothing beyond.

“Take this! My love, my anger, and all of my sorrow!” You put your everything into your mechanical arm as you drive it forward.

The necron lashes out with his own, and your fists meet in the air. It’s a metal on metal fisting competition.

Despite you pressing hard, with all of your might, your blows cancel each other out, leaving you both standing connected fist to fist.

The necron laughs, his mechanical skull shaking side to side.

You smirk.

“Shining finger, bitch.”

The las blast bores a hole right through the necron’s head. The large mechanical body seems to falter, swaying unsteadily on its feet.

You sidestep out of the way as it comes crashing down.

You blow on your finger like the scene out of an ancient Terran film.

“Alright, who’s next?”

Only there are a lot of flayed ones here, none who seem to give the slightest care at their lord being dropped.

“Perhaps I shall try again?”

The necron lord pushes himself off of the ground, despite the damage, and starts getting to his feet.

“Hey buddy, can we hurry this up? I’ve got some stuff I want to do.”

Your arm is talking to you.

“Statement: I say we ditch the meatbag. Did I say that out loud?”

Your arm is talking to itself?

“Hey, I like your style!” The first voice responds.

You don’t have time for this…

You activate the plasma gun and start firing as you dive out of the way as the necron swings his staff, the bladed end almost catching you.

“Suggestion: You’ve missed four shots, perhaps you should practice more.”

A flayed one’s bladed hand comes way too close to severing your other arm, and you knock it aside with your mechanical one before it can. You don’t want to be too mechanical. Though Mika might like it…

Plasma bolts sever arms and blast through flesh and plating of the flayed ones, but there are simply too many, and your arm is getting hot.

You keep firing, switching to your lasgun, as you back up. The flayed ones are running at you, and you know you don’t have any way to fend off this many.

Three of them leap up at the same time, pouncing at you with claws ready to rend your flesh.

A simultaneous volley of gauss fire knocks them out of the air. You whirl around just in time to see a line of Immortals, weapons blasting away.

They appear to be lead by a single pariah.

You recognize it...

Well, as much as you don’t really trust ANY necron at the moment, the flayed ones are far from the bottom of the long list of shit you hate. A hate-list being something you picked up from a brief meeting in a bar with an Angry Marines Commissar.

Firing your lasgun as cover, you sprint over toward the newcomers.

You notice, as you run, that while they do keep up their rate of fire, they seem to be taking the utmost precaution to avoid hitting you.

Ducking between two towering Immortals, you skid to a stop but not in time.

You collide into the Pariah before you can change course. “Ah…” She says, her voice sweet but robotic.

“I’ve been waiting for you my honey, I knew I’d find you!” She rubs her face into your own.

Well this is a bizarre scene.

You are in some kind of other dimension; or so you think, with necrons fighting necrons as you get loved up on by, of all things, another necron.

“Uhh… Do I know you?” You finally ask.

“Oh my sweetie is so funny. But the next time you run away from me I’LL KILL YOU MYSELF! YOU ARE MINE AND MINE ALONE, honey.”

Well, that sure calms you down…

“I’ve been watching you ever since you came to this world. The first time I saw you I just knew I had to make you mine!” The necron girl continues happily as she smooshes you into her even more.

“Hah…Hah… You’re joking, right?”

Her eyes glow green at your comment.

“D-does my honey not want me? Does he want someone else? I can’t let that happen…” She pulls a dagger out of her cloak and raises it above you.

“O-of course not, I’m just joking around! Haha oh me the kidder!”

Her hand stops, poised to strike.

Finally her eyes return to normal.

“Oh you…” She snuggles you even harder.

“Yeah… Me…” You gulp.

“Congratulatory: *a wedding song starts to play*”

“Hey, get a room!” Your hand reaches into your pocket, produces a cigar, lights it, and proceeds to somehow smoke it with your thumb.

The necron girl looks at your arm, scowling.

“Such a rude thing… I don’t like it…”

She brings the knife closer to where your mechanical arm meets your flesh.

“Observation: I don’t think this is going to end well.”

“H-hey now! No need to cut it off, they will shut up!” You laugh, pushing on the arm holding the knife.

“*Hey you two, shut the hell up!*” You hiss at your arm.

"Query: Can we exist without being attached to this meatbag?"

"I dunno, should we find out?"

You clamp your other hand down on the speaker, muffling them. Why did Mika even add a speaker?!

“I don’t like them…” The necron girl says again, grabbing your arm more roughly and pressing the knife blade into the seam of flesh and metal.

You are going to have to think hard of something to do to stop her…

Too late, she plunges the knife down and buries it into the speaker, silencing it.

The two voices in your arm protest for a moment, but then fall silent. Well, at least she didn’t cut it off. Mika can fix the arm, but you don’t know if the two voices will return…

Until the necron keeps attacking the arm, stabbing it again and again. The weapons suite goes offline, and you find that the arm is now barely movable.

“Ah, now that’s soo much better!” The necron coos happily as she grabs you around the middle again.

“Hey, can we put the knife away please!” You ask as it comes close to jabbing you.

She does that at least, before tugging on the arm of an Immortal.

“Hurry up! How much longer do you need?” She asks him. The Immortal gestures out, and you follow his finger.

The flayed ones lay in varying states of disassemble, most in too many pieces to recognize. The Immortals keep shooting to vaporize them entirely.

“Good, I need to give my honey a bath, he stinks!”

You feel your stomach drop again as she teleports you. Back inside the tomb, though in a different section it looks like. You don’t recognize any of the surroundings, and you can’t see far in the faint green light.

Still she’s set you down as she tends to a large stone basin, turning knobs and dials.

“Hey, uh… Kinda dark in here isn't it?”

As if on command, the tomb illuminates further, to a more comfortable level.

“Well… It could be worse…”

“Oh honey! The bath is ready!”

While you don’t like your current predicament, you aren’t about to keep pushing her crazy buttons.

You slide out of your clothes, which is quite difficult with a barely functional left arm.

“Ara ara~” The necron says, as she eyes your junk.

You don’t give her the satisfaction of continuing to eye you up, as you step into the warm water.

Sitting down, you submerge yourself up to your chest.

Despite everything going on, it actually feels pretty good. The Pariah hums some necron tune as she busies herself scrubbing you down. You just sit there limp and take it while your mind jumps around trying to figure out some way out of this mess.

Her metal fingers don’t actually feel terrible, and somehow you really think deep down she actually loves you. Too much.

“Does it feel good my sweet?” She asks as she rubs what you believe to be shampoo into your hair.

“Uh… Yeah…?” You answer, still desperately trying to muster your inner Tzeentch and come up with a plan.

“You know, I could make you feel even better…”

“So uh, before that, can I get your name? I need to associate your lovely face with it.”

The necron girl sits up slightly at your comment, her mechanical brow furrowing.

“My… My name…?” She asks, touching her lips as though unsure.

“I need a name? You won’t love me without a name?” Her hands grab you tightly, without your mechanical strength there is no way you could break that grip. Damn you wish your arm was fully operational.

“That’s uh… Not exactly what I meant…”

But she doesn’t seem to hear you, her eyes starting to grow more and more green.

“Name… Name… Name…” She keeps mumbling to herself, increasing in speed as she repeats the word, her eyes starting to glow brighter and brighter.

Her fingers seem to lose a bit of their tightness, you might be able to slip away…

“I’ll call you Tonya.”

Her eyes stop glowing, and her fingers relax.

“Tonya…Tonya…” She repeats it, playing with it.

“*Archiving name, please wait… One percent…*”

“Huh?” You turn around in the bath.

Several seconds go by.

“*…Five Percent…*” The completely monotone robotic voice chimes again.

Shit! This might be your chance to escape!

You snatch up your clothes and start pulling them on as fast as you can manage with one working arm and a half broken one.

“*…Fifty percent…*”

“Hey! You skipped a bunch!” You yell as you stuff your feet into the boots.

Wasting no time with anything else, you break into a fast run into the tomb.

Shoving your way between two Immortals guarding the door, you sprint as fast as you can manage. Perhaps the fastest in your life.

After several twists and wrong turns, you finally find the way back up to the surface.

“Where are you going, my honey? YOU CAN’T RUN FROM OUR LOVE!!!”

Tonya bursts out from around a turn and starts running up after you. She’s fast!

Still, you aren’t going to give up here.

Your legs pick up the pace and finally carry you out into the fresh air.

You are relieved to see the bike where you left it, and you run all out at it as the necron starts to close the distance.

Leaping on, you start it up as fast as you can. The engine doesn’t seem to want to ignite.

“Fucking machine spirit! Get the fuck moving!”

Finally the bike fires to life, and you twist hard, Tonya mere feet from you now.

Her fingers graze the back of the bike even as you spray her with dirt in your desperate bid to escape.

Finally you are out of her reach, you sigh in relief.

“I’LL FIND YOU!” You hear her voice call after you.


Finally her voice fades in the distance, masked by the rumble of the bike.

Mika scoffs and scolds you a bit as she looks your arm over. You feel a bit bad, you haven’t had it for long and it’s already pretty beat up.

Despite this, she starts into fixing it and you lay back on the table.

After several hours and more than one test fire, it seems to be back in tip-top shape.

Though the voices haven’t returned.

“What could those have been?” You ask her.

Mika shrugs.

“Magnetic interference?” She finally muses out loud.

Thread 14[edit]

You let Mika finish up on the arm, and after one last test, its back in shape and you can feel the weapons suite back online.

The techpriestess is quietly snoozing now, she must have been staying up late working on Rex.

Being a gentleman, you carry her onto a bed and tuck her into it.

With a kiss on her forehead, you turn and leave.

The bike waits for you, now you just have to decide where to take it.

The bike roars as you ramp it out of the exit, gunning the engine hard and catching some air.

Rex barks and chases you, his antenna wagging. What a carefree baneblade…

You activate your plasma gun as you speed toward a tree, and with one quick burst you fell it in a shower of splinters.

It’s a good thing Mika could fix it up, as much as you miss your old fleshy arm, this one is admittedly more fun.

Reaching into your pocket you grab out your communicator and select the frequency. You barely manage to avoid hitting a pile of rocks as you dial.


“Sup blue tits.”

“…Max uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu….” It sounds like she’s about to have a mental breakdown.

“Is something wrong?” You bring the bike to a stop.

“It’s my brother, I can’t find him anywhere and he’s not answering his communicator! I’m really worried about him!”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure we will find him.” You try to calm Ailia down.

“…Are you sure?”

“I’m not just sure, I’m space aids positive, now where can I meet you at?”

“Here, I’ll send you my location.”

Your communicator buzzes as it receives the new information.

“You aren’t really….”

“Nah, I’m clean.”

You gun the engine again, following the coordinates the Tau girl gave you.

It’s about half an hour away, so you settle in for the ride, getting comfortable on the bike. You really hope you can find Ailia’s bro, it’s a bit worrisome that she hasn’t found him even after all this time.

With the Crisis suit now visible in the distance, you stow your communicator and speed through the last few minutes. As much fun as it will be to see Ailia again, you know it will be ruined if you don’t find her brother.

A knot forms in your stomach.

He has been missing a long time…

You slow to a stop in front of the suit, Ailia is sitting on the hatch.

Her usually cheerful face is downtrodden, and she looks like she hasn’t slept in days.

“Hey, you alright?” You slide off the bike and give her hanging leg a friendly squeeze.

“I don’t know…” She finally laments, rubbing her eyes tiredly. “Well, have you picked up any kind of trail?”

“Not much. It’s like he’s disappeared from the face of the planet.” Ailia sighs and slips off of the hatch, falling rather clumsily to the ground.

While she protests at you demanding she sit down and eat, you don’t give in. After you insist, she finally digs into some chow you stored in the saddlebag of the bike, though you can tell her mind is elsewhere.

Yours is too.

With no leads to go on, doubt begins to form, weighing heavily on you.

“What kind of leads do you have?” You finally ask after she sets the food aside.

“Well, several of them, none of which seem too solid.” She pulls out a map with hastily scribbled Tau writing all over it, and though you don’t read Tau, you give it a look.

“His last communication was in the Tyranid area to the north. Some kroot thought they saw him way off in the distance headed toward Chaos lines. His tracking signal shows he’s along the beach, but the signal hasn’t moved in days. These are the last three places I haven’t checked.” She gestures around on the map.

“So we should try these out then, I’m sure he’s bound to be at one of them!” You try to fire the Tau girl up, but it doesn’t look like she’s having any of it.

“Alright, as much as I know you are going to hate this…”

“Don’t say it.”

“We’re heading toward the Tyranids.”

“I told you not to say it…” Ailia looks northward, you can tell she’s none too thrilled at the prospect.

“I’m joking, let’s try the beach first.”

You hug her around the middle from behind and give her a squeeze. Her bouncy goods feel nice on your arm, though that wasn’t your reason for doing it.

“What happens if we don’t find him?” She asks as she sinks back into you.

“We will.”

You lift her back up until she’s standing on her own.

“Trust me, if I can somehow survive this fucking place, your bro won’t have any problem.”

Ailia sighs, but then stands up and slaps herself on the face a few times with both hands.

“Alright! He’s got to be at the beach. He IS at the beach!” She pumps her fist and looks fired up.

“That’s more like it, this is the blueberry I remember!”

She turns around and gives you a big smile, looking entirely more energized now.

“You’ve got luck on your side, with you along, we are sure to find him.” She puts her hands on her curvy hips and looks up at her Crisis suit.


Your spidey sense is tingling on its own?

“Get down!”

You tackle Ailia to the ground, your face bouncing off of her xenobags as both of you hit the dirt.

  • Crack!*

The shot misses, but still only by a hair.

Whoever is shooting at you, they are good.

You were just lucky enough to have your untrained mind powers detect the threat, though you don't know how you did it.

“What the hell was that?!” Ailia asks as you move her over to behind your bike, using it for whatever little cover its worth.

“I can’t be sure, I’ve only heard it once…”

Another shot makes a loud *PING* as it slams into the bike, which thankfully is stout enough to stop it.

“No, now there’s no mistaking it.”

You bite your lip, this isn’t good.

“That’s an Exitus rifle...”

You know it’s only a matter of time now. All the assassin has to do is move around until he can get the angle right and then its bye bye Yagis V and hello Warp.

As much as you like Kaleshi, you want your next meeting with her to be on your terms.

Another shot cracks into the bike, puncturing the engine and severing it as a means of escape.

  • Meanwhile…*

Eight curses, his first assignment and he’s already missed his target.

He tracks the rogue guardsman and his xeno associate through the scope as they lay behind the bike, hidden from his fire.

Fuck it, he’s going to have to move.

Eight rises up from his perch, his crosshairs remaining fixed on the bike as he shifts to his right to get a better angle for a kill shot…

You can sense something is up, this might be your one shot to get out of here alive.

“Ailia, we are going to have to do something right now or we are going to get dusted by this assassin.”

The Tau girl nods, she’s no newbie when it comes to combat.

“Alright, take this.”

You hand Ailia hat-chan, she takes it but looks confused.

“Put that on the end of your gun, when I tell you, pop it up over the bike.”

Shit you hope this is going to work, the anti-sniper training you received mentioned fuck all about Vindicares. Would he even fall for something like this?

You ready your lasfinger, hoping the distance wouldn’t be too great for you to make the shot. You were only ever a middle-of-the-pack marksman after all.

Well, here goes nothing.


Eight watches through the scope as the brim of the hat comes up over the bike.


He doesn’t fire a shot.

Several seconds pass, and Ailia looks over at you confused.

“Shit, guess he isn’t going for it…”

Well, you have to try something.

“As soon as shit goes down, get into your suit as fast as you can…”

You don’t give her time to question you.


You send the bike spinning toward the assassin, at the same time you ready your lasfinger.

Is that him in the distance? You can’t be sure, but you have to take the shot.

You pull up and fire!

Eight drops the rifle and dives for cover as the lasbolt hits his gun.

He curses and draws his sidearm.

Things are not going according to his plan…

“I hit him!?” You yell, as much in excitement as disbelief.

“Nice shot!” Ailia says, before the hatch to her suit closes and the walking gun platform powers up.

You notice the Vindicare running toward you now, his sidearm out.

Poor guy doesn’t stand a chance.

Ailia gets the Crisis suit online, and quickly fires a missile from her pod.

You watch the trail as it arcs toward the assassin, who goes to dive to the ground but doesn’t make it.

The missile impacts behind him, throwing him forward. He tumbles end over end until smacking hard into the ground, where he lays still.

You stick close to the Crisis suit as you and Ailia move forward to check it out.

Standing over the Vindicare now, you notice he’s skinny and short. Not exactly what you had expected to find.

You flip the body over with your foot and, keeping the barrel of your plasma gun pressed to his chest, pull of the mask.

“He’s just a kid…” You look down at the limp body lying in the grass, and can’t help but feel a bit sorry for him.

The assassin stirs slightly, and you toss his weapons aside, Ailia making sure her burst cannon is too close to miss.

You prod the Vindicare with your foot.

“Wake up kid, I’ve got some questions.”

The assassin opens his eyes, looking ready to fight. He notices the Crisis suit baring down on him, and your plasma arm shoved into his chest, and decides against it.

“Like I said, I’ve got some questions and you are going to answer me.”

The kid, no older than fourteen or so, looks around with his hawkish eyes, searching for some way out.

Finally he glares back at you.

“I’ve got nothing to say to a heretic.”

You smile.

“Yeah, I figured as much. Ailia, mind stepping on out here?”

“…Huh?” The booming voice comes from the Crisis suit.

“Don’t worry, he so much as farts and I introduce his heart to plasma.”

After several moments, the hatch opens up and Ailia drops down onto the ground beside you.

“Alright kid, I didn’t want to have to do this but I know torturing it out of you probably wont work.”

You grab Ailia around the middle and pull her closer to you.

“Which is why if you don’t tell me everything I want to know, I’m snapping a picture of you kissing this here Tau and sending it out on the net. Every ship from here to Cadia will see it.” You lie, hopefully convincingly.

The Vindicare swallows hard, looking between you and Ailia. He knows what would happen if you did that, and he doesn’t seem to realize you are bluffing.

“You wouldn’t…” He finally hisses.

“I’ve already gotten freaky with this here space commie, don’t tell me what I wouldn’t do.” You grab one of Ailia’s boobs for effect, giving it a little squeeze.

The Tau girl is blushing hard beside you, but she doesn’t budge.

“What do you want to know…?” The assassin finally relents, looking away.

“Well for starters, why are you trying to put a bullet through my head?”

The kid’s steel gaze locks with your own.

“…You mean you don’t even know?”

“Know what, exactly?” You press.

“The Inquisition has it out for you, you’re the most wanted man in the sector.”


Your body can’t handle this.

You almost lower the plasma gun as your mind reels. The Inquisition is after you? How do they even know about you? The assassin laughs.

“You don’t know how it happened, do you? The city is rigged up with cameras, they saw you consorting with xenos.” He laughs even harder as your face goes white.

“So what do they know?” You ask, though you can already guess its any of the hundreds of heresies you've committed.

“Hmph, enough to want you dead, which is all I was told.”

You grab the kid by his vest and pick him up until he’s facing you.

“Are they here yet? Are you the only one?”

The assassin laughs and shakes his head, as though in disbelief.

“They don’t need to be here. This planet has already been deemed beyond saving. If I failed my mission here, well…”

He trails off, still shaking his head.

Furious, you grab him by the jaw and force him to look at you.

“Well WHAT?!”

He stops laughing, his eyes now serious and perhaps even gloomy.

“Simple.” He looks up at the sky.


You can feel the blood draining from your head.

“When?” You ask in barely a whisper.

The assassin shrugs, turning back to look at you.

“Whenever they are ready, I guess.”

“Do you have any idea when that might be?” You grab the assassin on the shoulder.

“Why should I tell you? We’re already both dead.”

“If we are already dead, why so scared of one little picture with a Tau?”

The Vindicare looks to Ailia, then back at you.

“It’s not important.”

Well whatever, you don’t really care about that tidbit of this kid’s life at the moment. The fact that the Inquisition is after you is one thing, that they are going to glass this planet to get you is something entirely different.

“What’s your name, kid?” You ask, letting go of him.

“…Eight.” He finally responds.

“Alright, Eight. Here’s how it’s going to be. I don’t particularly want to die and I’m sure you don’t either. You may not believe me right now and it isn’t really important if you do, but the Emperor himself has sanctioned what I’ve done and getting exterminated right now would kind of dick him over as well.”

The Vindicare looks at you like you are crazy.

“You’re nuts.”

“Yeah, I know. But I’m not lying to you.”

“Oh yeah? Prove it.”

That stops you mid-thought.

“I… I can’t.” You admit.

“Well no shit? So I’m just supposed to go on your word then, am I?”

“Um… Max?” Ailia says, tapping you on the shoulder.

“Just a second…” You brush away her hand.

Eight looks up at you, awestruck.

“Maybe I can convince you dude.” Comes the booming voice from behind you.

You recognize that voice, and whirl around.


He smiles and raises a hand to signal silence. You notice it isn’t really him in the flesh, more like some kind of hazy projection of him.

Eight’s mouth is still moving, but he isn’t saying anything, eyes fixated on his god.

“So Eight… I know you’ve had a pretty tough break in life kid, but I’m going to need your help on this one man.” The Emperor says, folding his arms and looking down at the awestruck Vindicare.

“My… My help, Emperor?” He gulps.

“Yeah dude, your help. You see its like this… Max here is my bro, and he’s helping me out with some serious shit that I needed done. It’s a big responsibility dude, lots of stuff he has to deal with. Really tough stuff. Now I’m not quite ready to come back to the forefront yet, so Max here is going to set things up so I can without everyone losing their collective shit. If he dies here, that kind of fucks with my chi, you dig? So bada bing bada boom, you either help him or get out of his way.” The Emperor sums it up with a shrug.

“Uh… Emprah…” You finally ask, pulling his projection aside.

“Couldn’t you uh… Just tell the Inquisition off yourself?”

The Emperor bites his lip and looks away.

“Yeah man… I’m not really ready to deal with those guys yet. They are a serious buzzkill and probably wouldn’t believe me, which is why I need to come back in the flesh before I can talk to them.”

“So… I’m on my own here?” You finally ask, not liking the thought of it.

The Emperor laughs.

“Naw man, I’m not a douche. This guy is going to help you out.”

With a pop, a figure warps into view next to Ailia.

“Shas’O. Ready to kick some ass.”

“Aniki!!!!” Ailia shouts, throwing her arms around the newcomer.

“Hey little sis, what’s going on?” He tussles her hair.

“Oi! This is getting too long! You’d better let me give you a haircut once this is over.” He picks up strands of her hair disapprovingly.

The Tau commander is large, and has to be even outside his armor. He has his helmet off, and his face though kind looking, is battle hardened and bears several scars.

His gaze falls to you, and he pats Ailia on the head before approaching you.

“Your Emperor filled me in on the current situation. In return for taking care of my sister, I’ve agreed to help you out here.”

He holds out his hand, which you clap with your own, grabbing it in a broshake. His right arm is huge, at least twice the size of his left. With the armor on it looks a bit weird, but his right arm is fucking ripped. Dude’s been eating his oats.

“Good to have you. If you’re half as tough as Ailia makes you out to be, you might not even need me.”

The Taubro laughs before slipping on his helmet.

“If you’re half as nuts as I’ve been told, I might not even get a chance to help.”

Ailia slaps her brother on the back.

“Are you sure you’re all right onii-chan? I mean, this is your first time back in the field since the… Incident…”

“I’m fine, I’m SKULLS FOR THE!... fine. See? Nothing wrong.”

“Err… Right…” Ailia says, having pulled her upper body away.

You turn back to the Emperor, who’s still talking to Eight. “So dude, will you help us out here? I could use an extra hand to help Max out on his mission.”

Eight nods furiously.

“It is my honor, Emperor. On my life, I’ll see him through to the end of it.”

“Alright dude, your in.” The Emperor gives him a handshake, though the assassin can’t feel it he can see it.

“Hey Emprah, how’s Tzeentch?” You ask, glad to be talking to him again.

“Ahh, yeah she’s good man!” He grins.

“Really starting to show, guess I’ve got to be ready to be a dad and all but it’s cool. Chaos gods said they wanted to invite you over for dinner at their place one of these nights man, maybe once this Exterminatus business is over and whatnot.”

“Really? That sounds like… Fun…?” You aren’t sure how you feel about it.

“Yeah man, it will be a blast. Oh hey, Nurgle says he’s got something to give you next time you see him!” The Emperor remembers suddenly, and looks like he’s sizing you up.

“Yeah… Should work…” He mutters.

“So Emprah, how are we going to get up there?” You ask, feeling a bit of dread at the prospect of a surprise gift.

“I mean, I assume they have a ship up there, maybe a fleet even…”

“Hmm…” The Emperor rubs his jaw.

“Well… The Tau have quite a few ships but that would be a big fight… Maybe borrow one from the wolves… hmmm…” He looks deep in thought.

“Oh wait, man I almost forgot.” He laughs as he shakes his head in his hand.

“I can just do this.”


You, Eight, Ailia, and Kais are suddenly standing on the bridge of the Inquisition flagship.

“By the Emperor… What is this?” An Inquisitor asks, raising an eyebrow.

Several Grey Knights jostle to stand beside him.

“Uhh… Err… Evening gents?” You mutter.

“Showing up for your own execution, how noble.” The Inquisitor laughs.

“Finish him quickly, I have an Exterminatus to attend to.” He starts heading toward an exit.

The Grey Knight terminators raise their weapons, including the Brother-captain in the center.

“Hey guys, I need you to listen up for a minute here.” You start.

The Knights point their weapons at you, they don’t look like they want to talk…

“I’m on a divine mission from the Emperor himself!” You shout, hoping they will listen to you.

They don’t.

You dive out of the way as they open up with their bolters. Well, so much for that plan.

“Hold fast, brothers.” Eight steps out from cover, raising his hands. Surprisingly, the Knights stop firing, though they don’t take their weapons off of him.

“You know me, we’ve been on this ship together the whole time.”

“What of it? Now you consort with foul xenos and their ilk!” The Brother-captain shouts, gesturing at you and the others.

“And he is here, look!” Eight points to you.

“He isn’t on the planet any longer. Will you simply stand by as Darkhammer wrongly silences another planet?”

The Grey Knights fidget at this, looking between one another.

“I’m not here to fight, I just want to put a stop to all of this.” You add, raising your hands palm out to show that you are unarmed.

“Your orders, Darkhammer?” The Captain asks.

“Inquisitor?” He turns around.

Darkhammer is gone.

“Shit, he’s going to do it!” You shout, breaking into a sprint. The Knights let you pass through them, but stand firm and block the others from joining you.

“Darkhammer wouldn’t have trouble dispatching one lowly heretic. We will let him decide his fate, but you may not join him.”

The Tau commander nods.

“We aren’t here to fight, we shall let them figure this out.”

You run into the dark lit room, noticing the Inquisitor standing over a control console.

“Stop right there criminal scum!” You shout at him.

With a cackling laugh, Darkhammer turns to face you.

“The little heretic comes to try to stop me, how quaint.”

“I’m not going to let you do this.” You clench your fist menacingly.

“Hmph, as though you could stop me.” He draws out his hammer, which has an inscription on the side that reads “Property of Dark “The sledge” hammer.”

“I can and I will. I have friends down there that don’t even know this is happening, and by the Emprah himself I won’t let them die.”

Darkhammer grins malevolently.

“Well then, let us see who it is that the Emperor truly blesses.”


You hold up your hand, revealing your secret weapon.

“Those aren’t…”

“Oh, but they are.”

You crunch down on the leaves, grinning.

You can feel the bear overtaking you, it is a good RAAAARRGHGGHGH!!!

Darkhammer glares at you, reaching into one of his own pockets.

“Then we shall let the leaves decide our fate.”

You roar at the Inquisitor bear, who roars back at you.

You know this isn’t your territory, but you are a fierce and hungry mountain bear and you take what you want.

Rearing up on your hind legs, you bellow a strong and loud roar, you will be the victor among bears this day.

Wasting no time, the Inquisitor bear charges at you, gnashing his yellow teeth and raising a paw ending in nasty black claws.

He gets the first strike in, but you were ready for it and shrug off the blow.

With a grunt you throw him back and strike out with your own claws, knocking him in the head.

“…What exactly am I watching here?” Ailia comments as she stands at the railing.

“I’ll admit, I don’t know.” The Brother-captain shrugs.

They watch as you and Darkhammer circle each other, both of you drooling madly and taking turns slapping the other.

“Is this even a fight? Who’s winning?” Eight scratches the back of his head.

You see an opening and pounce, knocking the other bear to the ground.

He lashes out again with his paws, but you shove them aside as you bear down on him. He is defenseless to stop you as you repeatedly strike him in the head.

Suddenly, both of you stop completely, raising your noses to the air.

Sniffing around, you confirm the scent.

Both of you go bounding off into the forest, heading toward the river.

After all, the river is full of delicious salmon.

Suddenly, your arch enemy.

Ron Burgundy.

Both you and the Inquisitor roar at the newcomer, who is busying himself eating the salmon you came here for.

The ensuing fight continues for seven long years of battle and hardship. You and the Inquisitor bear the brunt of the harsh winters as you continue your fight against Burgundy, who seems nigh unstoppable.

After landing a bear punch that ends the known universe, you finally come to, groggily.

It feels like you’ve been slamming your head into ceremite, and what is this in your mouth? Swedish fish?

“Ugh…” Groans Darkhammer as he sits up, rubbing his temples.

“Fucking bear leaves man.” You groan along with him as you help him to his feet.

“Coffee... I... I need some coffee.” He mumbles.

“Are… are you guys all right now? That was pretty intense…” Ailia asks as she looks you over for injuries.

“Uhh… What exactly did we do?”

“Well…” Ailia looks to the others for help.

“Basically you guys slapped each other’s shit for five minutes before lumbering off into this other room where you attacked a table for about twenty minutes. I think the table actually won.” Eight finishes for her.

“Works for me, care to call it a truce?” You ask Darkhammer, who is busy searching for a mug.

“Yeah, whatever. I’m not sticking around orbiting this planet, I’ve got to go dick over Valeria. This was kind of just a vacation.”

“Huzzah. Victory.” You mumble as Ailia helps you down onto a couch.

You drag her down along with you and rest your head on her massive love pillows.

Your snoring echos through the halls of the great vessel.

Thread 15[edit]

You wake up from what feels like a long hibernation, and try to stretch out but find it difficult.

Opening your eyes, you notice you are rather entangled as it were.

Ailia’s eyes have a mischievous glint as she stares down at you, a slight smirk across her tantalizing lips.

“It would appear that I’ve caught you off-guard Commissar.”

You adjust yourself a bit, but Ailia remains in her position, straddling you.

“So you have, but unfortunately for you, I’m better at close combat.”

Ailia grins.

“Indeed, which is why I grabbed these.”

  • snap*

You didn’t notice her left hand, which has now clasped a pair of cuffs over your own.

“Now be a good boy and give me your other hand…”

You don’t object as she snares your other hand, and you find yourself bound underneath an alarmingly cute xeno.

Ailia beams down at you triumphantly.

“I didn’t peg you as being into this sort of thing.” You taunt her playfully.

She flicks a strand of hair out of her face. You notice it looks like it’s shorter now, her brother must have cut it when she was asleep.

“Well I did say I’d show you some Tau customs, didn’t I?”

You don’t protest as she slides your shirt up and undoes your belt.

“After all,” Ailia hums.

“You did help me find my brother.”

“Well, it’s not like I did a whole lot…” You shrug.

You jump slightly as Ailia’s warm hand grabs hold of your krak missile.

Ailia’s face contorts slightly as she guides it in, a mixture of pleasure, pain, and confusion.

“You alright?” You ask genuinely.

“I uh… Well us members of the fire caste… I’ve never done this.” She finally admits.

It doesn’t seem to stop her as the two of you move into base to base combat.

As cool as the cuffs are, you find yourself yearning to grab hold of the slightly panicked Tau girl. Lured perhaps by her thick hips.

After several minutes of simply sitting there adjusting, Ailia finally starts to move.

Its nearly too much for you to handle.

You thought she was trying to act dominant, what with the handcuffs and all. However you soon find out she is anything but.

She grabs you as she grinds herself around, eventually hugging you tightly around the middle. Seems like she's started to enjoy herself at least.

The assault continues for over an hour, during which she finally releases your hands and you take over.

At the end of it, both of you lay on the cold floor of the ship, breathing hard.

“Hey… Humans and Tau can’t…”

“I don’t think so, but as much as you shot out…” Ailia giggles.

The two of you decide to get dressed before a Grey Knight finds you, pops a rage boner, and kills the both of you.

Eight sits alone on the bridge of the massive Imperial ship. A rarity.

Usually this kind of place is buzzing with activity, alive with noise and light and life.

He bobs his head slightly to the tune in his headphones. What does a Vindicare listen to? Maybe you can find the answer someday.

The cigarette in his mouth has died out, but he doesn’t seem to notice. Or perhaps he just doesn’t care.

He looks down at Yagis V, it’s bright blue oceans alluring even from the void of space.

“Can I get you anything kid?”

You sit down next to Eight. He looks tired, as though he’s just gone three rounds with an Ork in a high-stakes boxing match.

Eight shakes his head, before looking back out over the planet.

“Don’t say much, do you?”

Eight shrugs.

“Depends. Quite a bit of information to process, the Emperor talking to me and all.”

“Yeah, I know that feeling bro.”

You notice a picture resting in front of the young Vindicare, and pick it up.

A young couple are smiling up, holding a small baby, forever immortalized in the black and white.

“Is that you?” You ask, setting the photo back down.


You doesn’t press the conversation.

Eight is more or less off in his own world…

Guardsman: “Help!”

I turn.

The guardsman reaches out for me, his face bloody and soiled from the battle.

Too late.

A bolt of plasma fire pierces through his chest, burning a ragged hole.

He looks down, perplexed by this new situation, as though perhaps it was all some kind of bizarre dream. He collapses. I didn’t really know him, I don’t get to know any of them. They never seem to last long here.

The rifle is heavy, but familiar now.

Hold your breath.



I’m rewarded with the sight of vibrant purple Tau brains splattering a nearby tree, soaking the foliage around it in the xeno’s blood.

Sergeant: “Eight, where are you?”

I activate my own vox.

Eight: “On route.”

I keep running, regaining the pace I’d had before being stopped by the guardsman.

I’m not new to a fight. I can’t remember ever not fighting really.

Still, this isn’t an easy one by any means.

Two more fire warriors in my way, they turn to face me, but too slowly.

My rifle cracks, the shots so fast the sound is deceptive, melding into a single long snap of the supersonic rounds.

They never knew what hit ‘em.

“Hey, uh… You alright man?”

You give Eight a light shake.

His brow furrows and his morose blue eyes refocus.


You don’t know what’s going through his head, but you can’t shake the feeling its nothing good.

“Well… If you say so…”

Figuring you’ll give the kid some space, you push yourself up and start toward the exit. Might as well go see what’s going on with Kais.

“Hey Max.”

You turn and look back at Eight, who is staring out the window again.

“Yeah kid?”

“Don’t die.”

“Err… I’ll try my best…?”

You continue to wander around the ship, more or less aimlessly. Though you wouldn’t mind finding a shower.

Darkhammer emerges from a nearby hallway and the two of you stop at the sight of each other.

“Hey, we cool?” You ask after several moments of silence.

Darkhammer looks as though he’s mulling your question over.

“Yes, I believe we are.” He finally nods, before offering you a canned drink out of the six-pack in his hand. You graciously accept.

Darkhammer takes a seat at a nearby table and gestures for you to as well.

You crack open the drink and take a sip. You don’t know what it is, but it tastes like it has twenty three flavors. Its good.

Heavy footfalls behind you cause you to turn around, and Kais waves with his massive right hand as he walks over.

Darkhammer looks at him for several moments, perhaps still quite unsure about having a xeno, a commander no less, on his ship.

Kais seems like he gets the hint, but claps you on the shoulder and smiles anyways.

“I’ve got to thank you again for reuniting me with my sister. I’d been worried she had gotten herself into more than she could handle, but I see she’s had a good friend helping her along.”

You grin sheepishly.

“I didn’t really do much…”

Kais shakes his head, a bit more serious.

“She wouldn’t have made it out of that spring alive without you. Ailia is a great warrior, but her fear of Tyranids may well have frozen her to the spot had you not been there.”

Out of the corner of your eye, you notice Darkhammer’s eyes go wide, and his jaw drops almost comically.

“Hey dudes… Oh! Man, can I snag one of those?” A familiar voice echoes through the ship.

You can’t help but smile as you turn around in your chair.

“Sup Emps.”

The Emperor grins as he walks forward, well his projection spirit self anyways.

Darkhammer can’t seem to form words, fixated on the sight. You can’t blame him, your first meeting was just as shocking. Especially being dead and all.

The Emperor reaches down and tries to grab a can, but his hand slips right through it. He frowns and looks down at the can longingly.

“Can’t you just like, summon one or something?” You inquire.

“Oh… I didn’t even think about that, thanks man.” A can pops into the Emperor’s hand, and he brightens up as he takes a drink.

“E-e-Emprah?” Darkhammer finally spits, before leaping up and then kneeling to the ground.

The Emperor waves his hand, already mid-sip.

“C’mon dude, no need to be all awkward and whatnot. Let’s just chill.”

Darkhammer looks completely perplexed.

“I… Er…”

But he stands back up and sits back down, his eyes fixated on his god, as though he might disappear at any moment.

“There you go dude, no crazy shit here. Just a couple bros sharing a drink.”

Kais looks slightly confused as his gaze moves between you, Darkhammer, and the Emperor.

“So is this your Emperor? I had thought he was in a near death state.” He comments, though not rudely.

“Oh, my bad dude, forgot to introduce myself.” The Emperor does his best to shake Kais’s hand.

“I’m the Emperor. Well, not in the flesh but you get it man.”

“On behalf of the Tau, it’s nice to meet you.”

“Same man, same. Dude, do you lift? That arm is shredded.”

“Err… Yes, it gets quite a workout…”

Kais and the Emperor both take a seat, and the conversation picks up as Darkhammer finally overcomes his shock.

“…and that’s my plan.” The Emperor finally concludes, having told them what he told you in the warp.

Darkhammer nods, though you can tell it’s a massive shock to him.

“It is an excellent plan. War is in no one’s interest.” Kais comments, looking hopeful.

“Anyways, Darkhammer, I have use of you as well.” The Emperor suddenly seems much less carefree.

“I am at your service, always.” Darkhammer bows his head. “We are going to be in for one hell of a fight here soon, and we are going to need all the help we can get.” The Emperor sits back in his chair, his eyes hard, completely different from how you’ve seen him before.

“We are going to need as many allies as we can get. I want you to start contacting everyone you can, Astartes, other members of the Inquisition, Eldar…”

Darkhammer nods as he takes notes, but then looks up.

“Eldar, lord?”

“Everyone you can. This matter concerns all.”

“It might be difficult, Emperor. Few will believe me or my information about your cause…”

The Emperor smiles, his eyes twinkling.

“That won’t be a problem, I’ve got a plan. Well, Tzeentch helped me with it.” He admits.

“The chaos god?!” Darkhammer blurts out, unable to stop himself.

“Yeah, she and I kinda have a thing going… The chaos gods are ready to go forward with this master scheme as well, all except for one that is…”

The Emperor sets down his drink.

“This is all going to end, one way or another. The only question is, will it be in our favor…” He looks out the window at Yagis V.

“…Or Malal’s…”

A servant jumps, startled as she washes the golden throne at the feet of the Emperor.

Did something just move?

Impossible, she finally tells herself.

You stand at the entrance to the drop pod, nervous.

This isn’t something you’ve done before, and after the safety briefing by the Grey Knights, you aren’t sure it’s something you want to do at all.

The brother captain claps you on the back, well the back of your new armor anyways.

“Are you ready for this, brother Max?” He asks, putting his hand on your left pauldron as he gives the armor one last check-over.

“No. I am not. At all.” You admit.

The giant Astartes chuckles as he seems satisfied with the armor.

“It really isn’t bad, you might even enjoy the ride.”

You sincerely doubt that.

The Emperor seems distant, as though concentrating on something else, as he approaches you.

“Backup won’t be here for you instantly, and we are going to need a bit to prep our forces, so don’t do anything stupid while you’re down there.” The Emperor nods as he looks you over.

“A fine suit of armor, it fits you well.”

As you give your new suit another glance, you are forced to admit that it does. The Grey Knights, emboldened and seemingly made anew by the reemergence of their Emperor, had given it to you. It took them quite a while to get it to fit to your much smaller frame, but somehow they did it.

They protested a bit when you told them to leave your left forearm out of it though, but the Knights didn’t listen. After thinking it over, and checking out the storm bolter they had attached, you were kinda ok with it. The tech marine who did the work then showed you how he had modified the left forearm, allowing you to still use the weapons housed in your arm.

The brother captain takes something from another Knight, and hands it to you, his gaze serious.

You can’t help but gape a bit as he places the haft of the nemesis axe in your hand.

“This weapon seems to be attuned to you, your mind, it has chosen you to wield it now. But whatever you do, don’t let the Blood Ravens get a close look at this.” He warns you.

“It’s an ancient relic of the Grey Knights, if they find that out, you will wake up and it will be gone.”

You nod, and swallow as you look the weapon over.

The power emanating from it is something even you can sense.

Ailia moves in and gives you a kiss on the cheek, maybe a bit shy with her brother in the room and all.

“You take care, I do want to see you again.” She smiles, and you return the grin.

Kais, now back in his own suit, shakes your hand.

“Ailia and I are going to rally the Tau to this cause, it may be difficult but I believe they will see that it is for the greater good. I expect to see you again, intact.”

“Same to you.”

A tech marine looks up from his work.

“Brothers, it is time.”

You swallow hard as they usher you into your own drop pod.

“Hey uh, Emperor, can’t you just teleport me again?” You ask him.

“Not this time, busy with something…” He seems quite distant, and you notice his projection doesn’t look as defined.

“Don’t worry, you will be fine.” The brother captain says, before closing the hatch.

You don't feel like you are going to be fine.

Well, too late to turn back now, where should you have this thing land…?

You get the feeling that you should land on the beach, you don’t really know why, just that feel.

Hand trembling, you punch it into the pod's controls.

A terrible clang echoes through the small vessel. You pray that isn’t a bad noise.

A prayer cut short, as the craft lurches forward at incredible speed.

“I don’t like this…” You comment as the pod starts picking up even more speed.

You feel your stomach lurch at the feeling of the sudden drop. “oh shit oh shit oh shit….”

The pod finally enters the atmosphere, and you are shown a new definition of fast.


You are plummeting downward, all you can do is hold on and keep yelling. It feels like you are going to drop forever.

Finally the craft starts to slow, and before you can even breathe a sigh in relief, it slams hard into the sand.

The impact might have hurt if you hadn’t been in the new armor, which you are now even more thankful to have.

Hatches blow open with a hiss, and you squint your eyes at the bright light as you step out of the pod, incredibly happy to have survived.

You don’t see anyone around though, which is a bit depressing. You finally let out that sigh, it’s going to be a long trek to get anywhere.

“Nice armor, you look like a dork, mon-keigh.” Chimes a familiar voice from behind you.

You put on a tough face and turn around.

“My power is maximum.”

Esh doesn’t look impressed.

“Sure it is.”

“Allow me to demonstrate…” You smirk.

“…fus…” You whisper quietly, with just a trickle of energy. The wind whips up the skirt Esh is wearing, but she holds it down with one hand so you don’t get a peek.

“Amateurish.” She chides.

“It was worth a shot.” You admit.

Esh laughs, crossing her arms and looking you over.

“Even in your new armor, your mind powers are no match for mine.”

“Hah. Says the one who just sat there while I did all the work defeating Doomrider.”

Esh’s smirk fades, and she looks serious.

“Zun Haal Viik!”

The axe is blown out of your hands, soaring backwards where it sinks into the sand some ten yards away.

“Had enough yet?” She asks, not having moved.

“As if, your Eldar tricks are no match for me.”

“Fair enough… Strun Bah Qo!”

A bolt of arcane lightning strikes a foot away from you, and you can feel all of your hair standing on end from the crackling energy.

“On second thought, I could maybe use some training…”

Esh looks up at the sky.

“I cannot teach him, the boy has no patience.” She says to no one.

“…Are you talking to someone?” You finally ask.

“Ugh… Watch some of your own race’s films you mongoloid.”

“Whatever. Are you going to train me or not?”

Esh smirks again. You can tell she’s enjoying screwing with you.

“Maybe… What’s in it for me?”

“I-I’ll give you a k-k-kiss, stupid space elf wych, it’s not like I want to do it, or anything!”

“Are you kidding me?” Esh groans.

“I’ll pay you up front, get over here!” You run at her, engaging your smootchface.

“Eww! No! Get away from me!” She starts to run.

Unfortunately for her, you’ve already built up momentum and she can’t escape. You grab the now-struggling Eldar around the middle and lift her up, her legs kicking at your armor to no effect. Your lips are drawing ever closer to her.

“All right! All right, I’ll train you! Now put me down!”

You don’t let her go, this is too much fun now.

“But what about your payment?” She’s holding your face away with one hand, but you are starting to overpower her.

“Wha?? W-why would I want a kiss from some i-idiot mon-keigh?!”

“Your resistance only makes my penis harder.”

“Gross! Put me down!”

Finally you relent, though you can’t erase your massive grin.

Esh pouts up at you. At least she wants you to think that, you can read her poker face.

“You better prepare yourself, I’m not going to go easy on you. St-stupid mon-keigh.”

“Sure, as if you can train me that hard.”

Esh glares.

“Oh, you don’t even know.”

She reaches down to her pack that fell when you grabbed her, and pulls out a small box. She presses a button, and some song you’ve never heard before starts blaring from it.


Dun dun dun!

Dun dun dun!

Dun dun duuunnnnnn!!

“Prepare yourself, mon-keigh, I’m going to work you to the bone.”

She’s right, the training is incredibly intense.

Esh continues blasting at you with psychic energies as you punch away at a tree furiously, ducking and dodging the incoming attacks.

~Rising up, back on the street~

You run hard, Esh in close pursuit as lightning bolts descend from the sky all around you. You have to sense them coming, and jump out of the way before they fry you.

~So many times it happens too fast. You trade your passion for glory…~

Esh is dodging now, as you lash out with your own mind powers. She seems to be having an easy time of it, until one catches her in the middle and she’s pushed back, she smiles.

~Hangin tough, stayin hungry~

Both of you are in a running battle now, shouting out your words of power as you run down the beach, trying to trip the other one up. It seems like the playing field is becoming more level.

~Rising up to the challenge of our rival~

“You’re improving, mon-keigh.” She says, her arms folded. You don’t give her a chance to stay on her feet, as you press your attack.

“Zul Mey Gut!”

Esh whirls around, looking for the source of the power. She fell for your trick.

~And he’s watching us all with the eeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeee… of the tiger~

“Wuld Na Kest!” You shoot forward at her and before she can react, you grab her around the waist and snatch her up. Esh is smiling now, genuinely.

“You learn pretty fast.” She says, breathless.

You are panting hard from the sparing match, but you grin back at her.

“Not so bad for a mon-keigh, eh?”

“Heh, don’t get ahead of yourself.”

Esh’s smile fades when she notices you are still holding her, your faces not far apart.

You are very aware of the Eldar girl breathing hard in your arms, and now staring you right in the eyes.

Fuck caution. You tell yourself. You are going for it. You lean in, and Esh doesn’t retreat.

Your lips meet again, finally, and it is glorious. Esh seems pretty into it, her eyes closed as she puts a hand on your neck.

Both of you are enthralled, perhaps all the built up tension being released.

You have a feeling Esh was waiting for this.

Maybe more than a feeling, a sense?

You don't pay much attention to that thought either way, too captured by the farseer pressed against you.

She tastes good, something you hadn't expected. You hold her tighter as the two of you continue.

"Ah... Max I..."

You don't let her finish, pressing your lips back against hers.

Only now you can feel something else from her mind, yours entwined with her own.


Something wicked this way comes.

"Max..." She says again, this time the urgency in her voice carrying through.

"I feel it too, what is that?"

Esh's face turns white, and she whips around to stare off at some nearby grassy hills. Her hands continue to hold you tightly, no longer out of passion, but out of fear.

"Run..." She whispers.

"...We have to run! Now!"

She points, and you follow her gaze.

The grass on the hill is dying, curling up and fading to a dirty brown.

"What is it?" You set her down and pick up your axe.

"I don't know, I couldn't feel it until just now..." Her voice trails off, as though the words are caught in her throat.

"It's him." She finally whimpers.


You can sense something yourself now, dark and terrible. Headed right at you.

You grab Esh's hand tightly in your own. If she says you should run, you should probably run.

"C'mon lets get out of here!"

You give her a tug and the two of you break into a sprint. Esh's short frame isn't quite fast enough to keep up with you it seems.

You snatch her up in your arm, her own wrapping around your neck as you push yourself as hard as you can.

Looking back, you feel your blood run cold at the sight.

Though the figure on the bike is in the distance, you can tell who it is.

Abbadon revels in his new arms as he watches you flee, knowing you won't be able to outrun his bike. He is going to enjoy ripping you apart with his new arms, slowly, and perhaps after violating that Eldar in front of you.

I watch them as they kiss. This guy doesn't seem to mind being with xenos.

I feigned shock, disgust.

The truth is, I'm glad the Emperor is pursuing peace. As good as I am, and though I would never admit it to anyone, I don't like killing most xenos.

Am I feeling jealous? The thought of a girl of my own is... Hmm... Am I xeno curious?

My interest is perked when they start to run. It almost looks like they are panicked. That's odd, they both seemed to want to kiss.

Shifting my rifle, I search intently with the scope to where the Eldar points.

Oh, that might be why.

I've seen pictures of the warmaster before, but I never expected to see him alive. Or with arms.

His warbike looks fast.

Not that it matters, I'm not going to let him get to Max... Or the Eldar.

Hmph, all too easy.

The exitus rifle cracks its familiar sound, and I smirk.

Poor bastard, bike looked almost brand new.

The shot catches it in the engine, hope he likes incendiary rounds.

Cue fireball.

I keep watching as Abbadon rolls to a stop, pushing himself off the ground and howling furiously as he slaps the fire off of himself.

A bolt round slams into a rock two feet to my left. I notice the bolter in Abbadon's hand clattering away at me.

Time to go... Good luck, Max. I toss him a small salute before leaving my perch.

"Thank you based Eight!" You yell as you watch Abbadon's bike explode over your shoulder.

Esh relaxes a bit as you keep running, you've got enough of a headstart that there is no way he can catch you now.

"What the hell was that just now?" Esh asks up at you as you push yourself as hard as you can, which in this new armor means you are practically flying.

"Friend of mine." You grin.

"Nice of him to show up." Esh, though trembling, smiles back at you.

“Yeah, good thing we didn’t kill each other when we first met.” You keep running, though feeling less and less urgent as the sense of impending doom fades.

Esh laughs, out of relief, and so do you.

“Why is it we never get any breaks?” She muses after several minutes of silence.

“I dunno.” You admit.

“Kind of sucks though, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah…” She sinks into you and you slow down, far from any danger now.

You set her down, and she brushes the sand you kicked up off of herself.

“So much for training on the beach…” She mutters as she dumps sand out of her boot.

“Yeah, but it was fun while it lasted.”

“It was, wasn’t it?” She grins back at you.

You can’t help but smile back. Even if you didn’t want to, one look like that from this red haired farseer would be enough to make you. You take her beauty for granted, it really is stunning.

“You look hungry.” Esh muses.

“I am.”

“Well how about I cook you something?”

“That… Doesn’t sound bad, actually.”

The two of you continue along a winding path through waist-high reeds, both of you staying alert despite your senses telling you that its safe. Well, relatively considering this is Yagis V.

“What do you want to eat?”

“Well, I feel like some fish tacos maybe?” Max used Joke!

“Alright, let’s go fishing!”

…It’s not very effective.

The two of you walk out to the ocean, though you are now far away from where you left Abbadon. Hopefully he doesn’t show up and cockblock you again, seems like he enjoys doing that.

You slowly take Esh’s hand in your own, she doesn’t protest but you can see her cheeks get slightly pink. How weird, she was just playing tongue hockey with you earlier.

Blue ocean sparkles and shines in front of you, contrasting starkly with the fine white sand under your boots. It’s a great view.

Esh’s skirt hits you in the face.

“Keep your armor on if you want, but I’m not going to.”

Esh is now stripped down to her white bikini undersuit, hands on her hips as she smirks at you. This view is better.

“Well… I don’t know…” You protest, unsure.

“Take it off you wuss!” She grins, pulling on your gauntlet.

“All right, all right, calm down.”

Esh seems excited, already grabbing at you. You aren’t going to protest, it’s nice seeing her like this for once.

The first thing you do is set the axe aside, sinking it blade-first down into the sand next to Esh’s spear.

You start fiddling with the armor, trying to disengage different pieces.

“Can I give you a hand?” Esh asks.

“Go for it.”

The Farseer smiles and hums quietly to herself as she starts disengaging your armor. The pieces start coming off quickly, and she sets them aside as she works.

“Hey, you’re pretty good at this.” You think out loud.

“Well yeah, it’s not the first time I’ve done it.” She replies.


She punches you in the shoulder, though lightly.

“Get your head out of the gutter, idiot mon-keigh. I’ve helped disarm some prisoners before is all.”

“Oh. Right. My bad.”

“Ohohoho? Were you jealous there for a minute?” She teases you.

“N-not really!”

Finally she gets the last section off, dropping it near her stuff.

“Hah, as if I would grace a mon-keigh other than you with my presence. Consider yourself lucky I do it for you.”

You frown and reach out suddenly, grabbing her and pulling her closer to you.

“Max what are you… Wait! No! Ahhhahahahaha! Stop!”

You tickle her even as you trap her hands behind her back with one of your own. She squirms and struggles, but you are physically stronger and don’t let go. She can’t escape.

“Please! No more!” Esh’s face is contorted in laughter.

You pause for a moment.

“No brakes.”

Before beginning your assault anew, even more intense. Esh’s face is in tears now, she’s laughing so hard she can barely breath. As much as she struggles, you can sense she’s having fun.

Suddenly you are thrown backwards by psychic energies, landing head-first into the sand.

Esh rushes over to you and pulls you up.

“Err… Sorry, kinda just slipped out.” She laughs between heavy breaths.

“Anyways…” She says, coughing into her fist.

“Let’s catch something before it gets too dark to find firewood.”

You let her lead you back to where she’s laid out two fishing rods, where she got them, you still don’t know or understand.

“You know I’m going to tickle the fuck out of you later, right?” You say as both of you pick up a rod.

She thwaps you with hers, lightly.

“You can try.” Esh smirks.

You smirk back. Bitch is going to piss herself laughing, she doesn’t even know.

“You had better not, I won’t forgive you if you make me wreck this suit.” She replies to your thoughts.

“Bah, you'll see. Now stand back, I’mma let you finish but I’m the greatest fisherman of all time. OF ALL TIME!”

You stare hard out over the crashing waves in front of you. You know this sight well.

“Heaven or hell, fishfag, lets rock!”

With a mighty cast you propel your worm out into the choppy waters, as far as you can get it. The bait lands with a plunk and sinks quickly into the depths.

“Well, you sure seem confident this time.” Esh laughs, before casting out her own line, only a fraction as far as you winged yours.

“I’m not confident, I’m assured. I will win round two.” You hold your pole stoutly, waiting for what is to come. Only you keep waiting.

And waiting…

“I’m actually quite surprised you have the patience for this.” You tell Esh as you lean back against a rock, still without so much as a nibble.

“Don’t be. If I wanted to make it easy for myself I could just use my mind to help out.” She leans over on your shoulder as she says it.

Her warm skin feels nice against your own, and her hair blowing lightly in the wind skips gently on your chest.

“Hey Max, what do you think of the Eldar?” She finally asks, luring you out of your happy daze.

“You guys seem pretty cool, maybe a bit aloof, but cool.” You don’t lie, she would pick up on that.

“Hmm… Yeah we probably are, aren’t we…”

“Yeah yo…” But you don’t have time to finish the sentence.

With the force of a thousand suns, you are ripped off the beach. Your arms are nearly dislocated at the shoulders, your mechanical arm whines from the sudden stress.

Something is dragging you!

You try to let go, and find yourself snagged in the mechanism of your reel.

You aren't even left with enough time to take a good breath as you are plunged into the icy sea, your chest hits something and forces the last of the air from your lungs.

Ra'alman's terrible maw grins up at you.

"Welcome, mortal. Welcome again to my lair."

Your lungs are burning, your mind panicking from the sudden lack of oxygen.

This is bad.

This is real bad.

Ra’alman rushes you suddenly, his fiery red eyes all you can track, darkness forming at the corners of your vision.

You manage to dodge, but just barely.

He is going to come around for another attack, and you are dragged along with him, still stuck to the rod.

You can’t even attempt to swim to the surface.

Gathering up every ounce of energy you posses, you turn to Ra’alman, who is coming around for a second attack.

“FUS ROH DAHHHH!!!” You shout, harder than you ever have.

The force of the attack throws you backwards, breaking you free from the reel in the process. You are sailing upwards, Ra’alman having barely been pushed away.

You breach the surface, drawing a long breath, a relief. Something reaches down and grabs you by the arm. You grunt as it pulls you into a small wooden ship.

The boat is rocking and swaying hard in the mad waves, the sky overhead an almost pitch black storm.

An old man is the only other one in the small vessel. His dark tanned completion looking you over, he doesn’t appear to be in his right mind, muttering to himself as he bites the head off of a lizard and swallows it.

“Row row row your boat, gently down the streeaaammmm!!!!” The old man cackles through his long scraggly beard, his eyes alight with a crazy fire.

He continues to sing as he thrusts a nasty looking harpoon into your hands. Despite spitting up water and breathing heavily, you act on instinct and take the weapon.

“Hey man, get us the fuck out of here!” You yell at him, hoping to somehow break through all that crazy.

“Merrily merrily LIFE IS BUT A DREAM!!!!”

Doesn’t appear to have worked…

“All my life the early sun has hurt my eyes!” The old man yells as the ship rides out a particularly nasty wave, that splashes both of you with water.

“Eighty four days now without taking a fish!”

The storm crackles with lightning overhead, and the old man laughs along with it, babbling something incoherent as he swerves the ship left and right with the rudder.

Ra’alman leaps from the water, rearing his ugly head as he screams, filling the air with that inhuman wail.

You grab the harpoon tightly, you are only going to get one shot at this.

You send the harpoon out with as much force as you can muster, only its the first time you've thrown one, so it doesn't exactly fly straight.

The weapon bounces harmlessly off of Ra'alman's armored plates, before dropping into the sea and sinking fast out of sight.

"Crack your oars man, and spare me the eggs!" The old man shouts, as he pushes you from behind, sending you face-first back into the cold waters below.

Ra'alman snatches you up before you can react, grabbing you nimbly by the shirt with one bladed tooth.

It drags you down again, back to where it has the clear advantage.

"Now then, my sweet, fertilize my eggs, that I may birth the end of days!" It coos.

Before swallowing you whole.

You descend quickly into the bowels of the beast, different valves opening and sending you off on different directions.

The stench is unbelievable, but something about it makes your head feel light.

It also makes you rock hard.

Finally you drop down into a large expanse. Blue bio-luminescence illuminates the place, and you look out over a field of pallid green eggs.

"Come my sweet, fertilize my eggs!" Ra'alman shouts inside your mind.

Tentacles leap out from all around you, flailing purple tentacles with suction cups.

They latch onto you, pulling at your clothes.

You struggle, but to no avail.

Its useless, you give up.

A slimy tentacle worms itself into your trousers, grabbing hold of your inquisitor, who as reviled as he is is also unable to do anything about it.

"I'll make you feel good, you can mate here with me forever~" Ra'alman coos.

The tentacle starts moving back and forth, leaving a trail of slime up and down your shaft.

Despite yourself, you can feel the orgasm coming.

"Yess... Yes, release the kraken!" Ra'alman picks up the pace with the tentacles.


You release everything you've got, emptying your entire magazine. White fish-baby batter shoots out in a stream, arcing and spraying all over the pile of eggs, which start to glow from the inside when met by your seed.

Only even after your orgasm, the tentacles don't let up.

If anything, they only become more emboldened.

"Wait! No more! I can't possibly have any more!" You shout, knowing its useless.

"Silly silly boy, of coarse you have more. Here, let me help you."

A tentacle thrusts itself into your mouth and starts spraying something. It tastes awful, but you immediately feel your balls replenish themselves.

The tentacles work your head furiously with suction cups, and you can't stop yourself.

"Ah, I'm cumminnggg!!!" You shout, though its muffled by the tentacle lodged in your mouth.

Another burst of white-hot plasma sprays over the eggs, more begin to glow.

"Give in to the pleasure..." Ra'alman coos.

"Remember, you're here forever." The fish-god laughs.

“Aim directly for his crooked brow!” The old man laughs madly from behind you, thrashing the rudder back and forth.

“And look him straight in the eyyeeeeeeee!!!”

You pull back your arm, Ra’alman rearing up out of the water again as he prepares to come crashing down on the small boat.

With all of your might, you throw it.

The harpoon arcs out, sailing true as Ra’alman descends to meet it.

You watch as the amalgamation of rusted iron and faded wood sinks itself deep into the fish god’s nasty head. Deeper and deeper it’s barbed point burrows.

Ra’alman shrieks at the sudden attack, thrashing about madly as blood sprays from the wound, much of it landing on the boat, and you.

“It was nineteen eighty five and I didn’t have my boombox yet!” The old man is swaying back and forth, stomping his peg legged foot as he yells.

The fish god roars again, this time though it sounds weaker. Could it be? Have you pulled it off?

Slowly, the massive beast of Yagis V lore sinks down into the waves. You hear a gurgle as it’s jaws suck in water, blood pooling in a dark swath around the surface.

Hundreds of fish suddenly rise to the surface, thrashing about.

“Don’t you want to know the meaning of life, boy!?” The old man yells as he snatches a tattered and ragged net from the deck and throws it out, trapping hundreds of fish within it.

You sink down onto the wooden ship, breathing heavily. You can’t believe you survived that.

“What’s the meaning of life, old man?” You ask, humoring him as you let your heart settle.

The old man crouches down in front of you, his eyes wide, his mouth a crooked toothed grin of yellow.

“Bestiality.” He laughs, clapping you on the shoulder like you failed to realize something completely obvious.

  • Safe again in the depths, Ra'alman uses a coral outcropping to dislodge the spear. It surges with anger. "I will have your seamen one day, like it or not." The beast rests, weary from the fight, but already plotting your next encounter.*

“Cool man, have fun with that I guess. Can you uh, drop me off at shore or something?”

“Sixty of ‘em, sixty genestealers you should have seen it! The queen was so proud!”

None of that makes any sense to you, but nonetheless the old man turns the ship toward land.

With Ra’alman beneath the waves and possibly dead, the storm runs its course, the weather quickly returning to normal.

The old man thrusts a bundle of fish into your hands, which you thank him for, despite not knowing if he even knows what’s going on.

“Horse sex.” The old man nods as you thank him again. You are exhausted when you finally haul yourself out of the boat, wading the last twenty or so feet to shore.

Esh grabs hold of you as soon as you reach land, and you collapse into her.

She sits down, resting your head on her lap.

“Are you hurt?” She asks, checking you over for wounds but unable to see anything through the thick layer of monster blood.

“Honestly, I’m not sure.”

“Let’s get you cleaned off, come on.”

She gets you up and starts leading you to the edge of the ocean, but quickly notices your hesitation.

“Well, we can always find someplace else…” She muses.

“Yeah, hot springs. They are close by.” You hope they are also Tyranid-free, though you will be going to a different section to better those odds.

Esh finds a small dune buggy and piles your stuff into the back of it.

“Ready to go?” She asks caringly.

“Yeah, take me down to that paradise city.”


“Nothing, lets boogy.”

Esh shrugs and gets the buggy moving, it’s large tires effortlessly carrying it over the sands.

“Who was that guy, anyways?” Esh finally asks as the buggy slows to a stop at the tree line.

“No idea, seemed alright though.”

Both of you climb out and head for the spring, though you make sure to grab your axe before you go.

“…?” Esh makes a curious noise when she sees it.

“I don’t want to run into any ‘nids without something to fend them off.” You shrug.

Esh helps you through the woods, you can feel the blood drying on your skin and it isn’t a good feeling.

Unable to stop yourself, you run and dive in at first sight of the water.

“Ahhh…. So much better…” You groan, feeling your skin being washed clean.

“Hmph, don’t wait for me or anything…” Esh pretends to pout, but can’t hold it as she dips into the warm water.

“Oh!” She exclaims with a smile.

“This is nice!”

“Isn’t it though?” You float on your back, enjoying the heat.

Something pokes you in the side, and you quickly jump up and look toward the intrusion.

Its a small serpent, maybe a foot long.

"Tousan!" The little beast cries up at you.

With it's human head.

"Tousan tousan tou-san!" Thousands of them, all calling out for you.

Esh pokes you in the side, snapping you out of it.

“You alright, Max?” She asks, clearly concerned.

“Fine. Just had a terrible vision, as though a thousand voices suddenly cried out, and were never silenced.”


“Don’t question it, it’s better that you don’t know.”


You just let yourself relax in the warm water, soaking off the hard day. You escaped from Abbadon, and a fish god, you feel pretty good about yourself.

“D-don’t look this way, I’m going to let my suit dry off, I just washed it.” Esh stammers.

You can’t help yourself, you look before you even think. Esh smirks.


“>Implying I’m not going to tickle you to death now.”

Esh frowns.

“You wouldn’t…”

“Rapehands engage.” You do your best servitor voice and hold up your wriggling fingers.

Esh jumps for cover, but you are already upon her, grabbing her around the waist and pulling her into your clutches where she cannot escape.

You tickle her without mercy.

Esh flails around, kicking, laughing, and yelling for you to stop.

You don’t acknowledge her cries, in the grim darkness of the 40th millennium, there is only tickle.

You continue until she is out of breath, sucking in air hard between bursts of laughter.

“Stop! You win! You win!”

You start at it again, unrelenting.

“Beg me.” You tell her.

“Beg me to stop.”

“Oh Max, please stop tickling me! I can’t take it any longer!” She cries out, a hint of humor.

You pause.

“And if I stop my assault?” You inquire.

Esh’s face goes beet red and she turns away, biting her thumb and mumbling something.

“Sorry, didn’t catch that.”

“Grrr… I said you can k-k-kiss me! Stu-stupid mon-keigh!”

“Not good enough.” You pick up your tickling again, as hard and fiercely as you can, forcing her to laugh and squirm against your hold.

“Ahh! No more! No Mooorreee!!!”

“I’ll stop, but only if I can kiss you.”

“Huh? I said that was fine.”

“Down there.”

Esh follows your finger, and her entire face turns red at the realization.

“My tongue is the tongue that will pierce the hymens!” You shout, pulling Esh out of the water.

With one quick snap, you shark her, and Esh’s face is practically glowing red.


Grabbing her, you set her on your shoulders, her nice thighs clamping around your head as you do.

“W-wh-what do you think you’re d-doing!”

You can only smile as your tongue flicks forward, lightly licking the Eldar in her most precious spot.


Esh jolts, her face one of absolute surprise, eyes wide in shock.

She squeezes you even tighter in her legs.

In retaliation, you tickle her sides, forcing her to loosen her legs as you do.

Again you attack with your tongue, and again she clamps down with her thighs. Only this time, you’ve moved into close combat and there is no escape for her.

She grabs you by the head as you lick again and again, her thighs trembling against you. She may act angry and surprised, but your minds are beginning to tangle together and you can sense that she wants this, entirely.

Well, you are a gentleman after all. You give the lady what she wants.

"Max no! I-I'm I'm... Ahhh!?"

Esh convulses, squeezing you tightly with her thighs as her upper body collapses down onto you, her hands grabbing your head tightly through your hair.

The Farseer lays there, ontop of you, panting.

You chuckle, time to play mean.

Another faint lick of your tongue has her thrashing and moaning.

"Ahhh... No more! I can't handle any more!"

After a few more licks resulting in several more spasms, you relent and lean back. Esh sits up to look down at your face.

"If I give in, and let you go, then its your turn."

Esh bites her lip, glaring. Your minds have collided now, her face can lie as much as it wants. Her thoughts are telling you how much she enjoyed that, how much she wanted that.

How much and how deeply she loves you.

"F-fine! Stupid idiot double mon-keigh! J-just let me down already!"

Abbadon snarls, remembering his bike being shot out from under him and his prey slipping through his grasp yet again. He tosses aside the corpses of the slain space marines, wolves he had caught unaware and butchered.

“Such a petty sacrifice…” The voice of his master hisses in his head.

“Hardly, they were Astartes.”

“Don’t quip back at me, boy…” The god hisses, furiously.

“All these gifts I have given you, all these gifts and yet you let them slip away…”

Abaddon stifles, not used to being reprimanded.

“I will taste his blood soon, and then I shall give you the taste of the false Emperor’s own as my new crusade plunders the heart of the Imperium.”

Malal is silent for several moments.

“No… No, it is clear that I cannot rely entirely on you, as able as you sometimes can be.”

Abbadon frowns.

“We will have to find another, one who will strike fear deep into their hearts without so much as lifting his hand…” Malal whispers quietly.

“And who exactly do you have in mind, my master?” Abbadon says, doing little to conceal his sarcastic doubt.

“Don’t underestimate my power, whelp… There is another far more terrifying than you, and far more powerful… Though it will be quite difficult to raise him now… We need… Time…”

“Again, who?”

“Your old master… The one who will lead us to a sure victory…”

“Who? Damn, you, who!?” Abbadon barks, though he already feels the dread rising in him, he knows the answer.


Thread 16[edit]

Well, Max appears… Safe… At least.

I picked up his trail again a short while after helping him outrun Abbadon by shooting the bike right out from under the Warmaster.

I wanted to help him with the massive sea monster, but with the randomness of the waves if I’d fired I might have hit him rather than the beast.

At least he and the wych are…


I avert the gaze of my scope, giving them some privacy.

Something else has captured my interest anyways.

Blood Ravens? Out here? Interesting.

I watch them from afar, they have no way of knowing I’m up here. I’ll keep it that way, for now at least.

They appear to be talking to one another as they walk, though it looks as though they are keeping their voices low, as though trying to remain undetected.

Though I wonder what it is they could be after, there isn’t anything out this way that they could possibly want…

Esh gulps as she sinks down into the warm waters of the spring, she doesn’t take her eyes off of you.

She looks a bit wobbly after your… Oral assault, which is fine by you. Its rather cute seeing her like this, off her guard. A fairly stark contrast to her usual self.

“What are you staring at, idiot?” She glares, folding her arms underneath her breasts.

“Huh? Nothing…”

The crazy fact is, that despite you having the ball in your court here, something has you thrown off of your own a-game as well. The fact that you can still feel your mind in a way somehow merged with the Eldar blowing bubbles in the hot spring in front of you as she eyes you, annoyed.

“D-do you want me to do anything or not?! I don’t have all day you know…” She puffs her cheeks as she frowns.

Without a word you grab her by the waist and pull her through the blue pool toward you, until her chest meets your own. Carefully you lower yourself down, making sure she follows along with you.

Her eyes widen as Esh feels something prod her in the thigh. “Eh? Ehhhhh?!?!”

You smirk.

“Don’t act so surprised, you should have known what was coming.”

Esh glares, trying to push herself up, but you don’t let her.

“Grrrrr… Fine, take THIS!” She shouts suddenly.

You don’t have time to stop her as she violently drops herself down, sending your inquisitor head-first into the webway with one fateful thrust of the power sword.

“OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!” Esh shouts, her face screwing up in pain as her nails dig into your shoulders.

You wince, it wasn’t the most graceful thing ever and she clearly wasn’t ready for it.

“Well what did you think would happen?” You ask, making no effort to conceal your sarcasm.

“Sh-shut up! Damn that Macha… She never said it would hurt! Well… She said a lot of things that I’m not sure were true…”

Esh looks like she’s relaxed, but you can tell without even trying that she’s faking it.

You put your arms around her lower back, and despite her tough façade, Esh sinks into you, her head nestling itself under your chin.

“Better now? This your first time?” You give her side a teasing pinch.

“Shut… Shut up! Of course it is, so you had better not ruin it for me, mon-keigh.”

You can’t help but smile, the pleasant warm feeling of your mind wrapping around her own is indescribable. Esh must be enjoying it too, because you can feel her body relaxing against your own.

“Hey Esh, do you like me?”

The short Farseer jumps slightly at your questing, sitting up to scowl at you.

“Me? L-l-like you? As-as if that were even possible, dolt.” You frown.

“Well… I mean, its not like I hate you…” She continues, refusing to meet your eyes.

“I don’t buy it.”

Esh’s eyes snap back to your own, you are smirking and looking smug.

“In fact, I know you like me. A lot. And I’m not letting you leave until I hear you say it.”

Esh sits up, folding her arms again and trying to look surperior and confident.

“Hmph! As though you can make me do something like that.” “Oh? Really?”

Even from your sitting position, you manage a decent thrust.

Esh jumps, trying to pull away, but you’ve got her in your clutches and you intend to keep your word.

“Hah! It’s going to t-take a lot more than t-that to make me say something so embarrassing.”

“We’ll see…” You reach up, intending to snatch away her top, but her hand blocks your attempt.

“Not so fast. Let’s see how much you’ve learned. Try again, with your mind.”

With little effort, you harness the power you obtained through smoking with Doomrider, and easily lift the white top away.

“Easy as pie.”

“Hmph, so the mon-keigh is actually capable of learning. Astounding...”

You don’t let her continue, pulling her back down again. She tenses up, but doesn’t object.

“Is it alright for you now?” You ask, genuinely concerned.

“St-still a little rough, but I’m no wimp…”

  • meanwhile*

“Oh look brothers, what a fine gift left out for us.”

The Blood Raven picks up the nemesis axe, eying it greedily.

“Indeed, a fine gift. It shall make a fitting addition to our collection.”

They chuckle amongst each other as they sort through the buggy, checking around. One of them frowns as he pulls out Esh’s spear.

“Hmmm… Eldar wych equipment in the same transport as these relics? Something is afoot here, brothers.”

The leader shrugs, throwing a bag full of newly acquired gifts over his shoulder.

“No matter, we have everything we need. Let us not concern ourselves with such trivial matters.”

He activates his communicator.

“We’re heading back now. We’ve obtained some valuable relics.”

With that, he turns to lead the rest of them back toward their waiting rhino.

“Interesting bag you got there, mind if I check it out?”

I exhale a puff of smoke as I step into their vision. The astartes stop, their idle chatter cut off. They eye me wearily, tightening their grips on the stolen goods.

“Ah, what troubles you here today, Vindicare?” One asks, turning away in a crude attempt to conceal the bag over his shoulder.

“Well, the stuff you are carrying, for starters.”

The Blood Ravens drop their fake bemusement, their gazes growing tough and cold. Six of them, not the most eloquently equipped, the standard fare of bolter rifles and chainswords.

“A tough break for you then, Assassin. We have no intention of handing over these gifts.” The space marine fingers the haft of the chainsword at his side.

I smile.

“Really now, I must insist.” I lovingly rub the trigger guard of my Exitus rifle with my trigger finger.

It’s a standoff, we all know it.

I lower my rifle and nod my head in their direction.

“I see I came ill equipped, I’ll take this opportunity to bow out gracefully.”

The leader frowns, eyeing me.

I know it’s a tough sell, and only an idiot would turn his back to a Vindicare so quickly.

“And let you shoot us in the back? Hardly ideal for us, I should think.”

I raise my hand and wave, as though to dismiss his paranoia. “Easy, space marine, easy. I’ve no intention of fighting with astartes today. Simply attempting to guard the equipment of the VP I’ve been assigned to guard is all. I’ll not risk my own skin for some rusted old armor.”

I take a few steps back, hopefully they buy that.

It appears to have worked.

Though they eye me nervously, they make no move to bar my leave.


Awfully stupid.

It takes me but moments to sink back into the thick cover and scale a tree, something I’d always had a knack for, ever since my youthful days.

With my suit and my skills, they won’t even know where I’m shooting from.

Even if they were to find out, it wouldn’t matter, it would already be over by then.

My crosshairs fall to the sergeant first, he made himself easy enough to pick from the bunch. Foolish, to make yourself so open to a sniper’s round and leave your squad leaderless.

I hesitate, wondering whether or not to kill him or disable him. Killing him would be easy enough, but the blood of astartes is very staining to the hands.

No, I’d better just make them get the point.

  • CRACK!*

The first shot knocks away his bolter, the second his chainsword.

The others bristle, trying to duck behind trees as they fire shots off in every direction.


The Exitus rifle sends round after round, each finding a weapon.

Soon enough, I have the Blood Ravens completely unarmed save for knives.

I start chipping away at known weakpoints in their armor, severing power to their systems, disabling various pieces, the like. It isn’t boring work, requiring a little more skill than simply caving in their skulls with the heavy rounds.

The space marines are all crawling around, trying to regain some sense of order when I step back into their midst.

The sergeant growls a guttural curse as he eyes me, reaching for his knife, which I lazily boot away.

He grabs my leg.

The barrel of my pistol presses to his head.

“You coward!” He hisses, glaring.

“You traitor! You-you…”

“Victor.” I smile, lighting up another coffin nail.

He doesn’t say anything as he continues to glower up at me. The others groan and curse me, but they are harmless as kittens in dead armor with no weapons in sight.

“You know, on my home planet, Catachan, we have a saying…” I pry the bolt pistol out of the hands of another marine and slap him on his bald head.

“Never turn your back on a man with a rifle.”

I grin as they continue to curse.

“You’ve made a terrible enemy, Assassin.” The sergeant says as he forces himself to his feet.

“Impressive.” I mutter, clearly not impressed at the least. I don’t even give him the satisfaction of thinking he stands a chance. I pounce.

The astartes does well to calm down, the sharp knife hovering so close to his eye that were he to blink his eyelid would be cut.

“Now take your men, get in that rhino, and leave. Before I get serious.” I pull the knife away.

The view is entirely satisfying, the downtrodden and infuriated magpies piling into their transport, nothing in their hands. Nothing to show for their trip.

I take a long drag as I watch them leave.

Ah, priceless.

Esh’s ear twitches and she turns her head to look into the dense foliage beyond the pool.

“Hmm? Hear something?” You ask, though really you are too distracted with your current fortunes to care.

“It seems your assassin friend is doing some shooting.” She comments, her gaze locked.

“Oh? Ah, kids these days, probably just shooting up some local wildlife or something.”

You push down on Esh’s hips, driving yourself deeper.

“Ah!? H-how can you still be doing that at a time like this?!”

You shrug.

“I’m sure it’s nothing he can’t handle, if it’s even a problem. So relax and quit worrying about it.”

Esh bites her lip, but turns to look back at you.

After a few minutes, and a small struggle to find a comfortable rhythm, it appears the farseer has completely forgotten about the incident in the distance.

You grab her by the hips, giving them a squeeze, as she digs her fingers into your back.

“D-don’t s-stop, mon-k-keigh!” She increases her speed.

You can feel every inch of your wraithbone inside of her, which is an incredible sensation.

“Ah! Max I’m…!”

One last thrust drives you over the edge as well, and unable to hold out any longer, you let yourself go.

Esh collapses on you, both of you panting hard.

"Hah...ahhh...Max...<3" The Eldar's chin rests on your chest, her eyes half-lidded and a happy smile on her generally frowning face.

“UNF!” Slaanesh bites its lip, looking away from the drink out into the warp beyond the window.

“DUDE, YOU ALRIGHT?” Doomrider stops mid-snort.

“Fine, fine. Better than fine.” Slaanesh coos, idly stirring it’s sparkly pink cocktail.


“Oh yes, something happened all right. A whole lot of something.” Slaanesh licks its lips, looking intensely satisfied.

You and Esh clean each other off in the spring, enjoying the moment while it lasts, unfortunately.

The Farseer answers a call on her communicator, her face becoming serious.

“I understand, I’ll be right there.”

She sets the device down and turns back to you.

“That was… My people received a message. Apparently your Emperor is asking for an alliance, which has everyone in some kind of panicked state. They want me there to help make the decision.”

“Huh? What decision?”

“Not all Eldar are as trusting of humans as I may be with you. It won’t be easy to get many on board for such a thing.” She puts a ribbon in her mouth as she starts putting her hair into a long ponytail.

“Do you think you can get them to agree to it?” You ask, focused intently on the conversation even as you stare at the Farseer’s exposed ass.

“Hmmm… I hope so….” Esh looks serious, and not like she just pretends to be around you either.

“Let me go with you, I can be some help I’m sure.” You start hastily throwing on your clothes until Esh embraces you from behind, her face pressing against your back.

“As much as I’d like you to come, I’m afraid your presence at such a meeting would not likely be met with warmness. This is an Eldar matter, and my people will want it decided among Eldar.”

You clasp her hand in your own.

“Fair enough, but as soon as they reach some kind of decision, you’ve got to let me know.”

Esh nods, you can feel it against your back.

“I will.”

You sit on the edge of the rear of the buggy as you watch the Farseer walk toward a waiting ship that came for her. You perk up as she turns back.

“Hey Max!” She calls out.

You raise your arms as though to say “What?”

“I… I-I… I like you! Idiot!” She shouts, whipping back around and running toward the Eldar ship.

Well, as sad as you are to see Esh go, something else has piqued your interest.

“I want to be, the very best~” Your ringtone goes off.

“Like no one ever was!~” You sing along slightly before answering.


“OhmygoshMax!” Two excited voices from the other end.

“Hey, what’s going on?”

“We didn’t think you would answer!” Senna sings.

“Senda thought you were dead…” She whispers.

“Did not!” Her twin retorts.

“Err… You guys up to anything?”

“No! Well, kinda! Its why we called you! Daddy’s given us his personal luxury skiff for the day, and we wanted to invite you along!”

You pause, mulling it over. You don’t know what a Dark Eldar pleasure cruise entails, but it’s an intriguing thought.

“Is it safe for me to be around you all now?”

The twins laugh.

“Oh yeah, VERRRYYY safe. Daddy made quick work of the dissenters.”

“Cool. So uh… How do I find you?”

“Easy! Just send us your location and we’ll have someone pick you up!”

“Alright, will do. See you in a bit then.” You hang up and send them your coordinates.

You sit on the buggy as you wait, wondering what to do with the pile of equipment in front of you.

As much as you want to trust the twins, the last time you found yourself in their company you had to fight to the death in their arena. Where you almost did actually die. You put on the armor.

A few minutes pass after you finally get settled into it. Your stomach rumbles, reminding you that you didn’t let Esh cook you anything as you’d kept her too preoccupied…

A transport roars into view, slamming to a quick stop in front of you. The side door opens and you recognize the same pilot you’d had before.

“Get the fuck in, I don’t have time to be carting your punk ass around.”

You frown, but clamber into the ship, which speeds off before you can even get the door shut entirely.

“You’re kind of an asshole, you know that?” You mutter.

“So I’ve been told.”

“How’d the date go?”

“Awful. No whips involved at all, total bust.”



You and the pilot keep up the smalltalk, and it seems like maybe he’s not as big a douche as you’d first been inclined to think.

Finally you spot the twins out of the window, both jumping up and down, waving at the transport.

The pilot brings it in for another jarring stop, and you pop open the door.

“Thanks for the ride man, we should totally go to this “Vegas” planet you’ve been talking about sometime.”

“Totally bro, now get out, I’ve got shit to get done.”


You jump out, landing in front of the twins, who are squealing with joy at the sight of you.

“Oh Max! We’re so excited, this is going to be so much FUN!!!!” Senna has her hands held to her mouth and is jumping up and down.

“Yeah but first, Daddy wants to meet you.” Senda smiles.

The twins lead you, locked arm in arm, down the dark hallway.

“Are… Are you sure he’s going to be cool with this?” You ask, feeling increasingly nervous.

“Oh yeah, I’m sure he’ll be fine with it.” Senna laughs.

“Don’t worry, if he gets mad, it will be at us, not you.” Senda tries to alive your doubts.

“That just makes me more worried…”

They push open the great black doors, revealing a dark lit room inside. A tall and busty Dark Eldar clad in a flowing and quite revealing black dress greets the three of you.

“Oh my girls!” She hugs them, smooshing their faces into her.

“Mooommmm!!!” The twins protest.

“Stop it, you’re embarrassing us!” Senda huffs.

“Oh? Who’s this you’ve brought?” The older one looks up at you, locking your eyes to her own.

“That’s Maximus! The one who survived the arena!” Senna cheers happily.

“Hmmm… This is him then is it? Your father is very anxious to meet this one. Now you two come with me, he wants a word with him alone.”

The twins mother starts to drag the thrashing and whining twins away, before looking back to you.

“He’s right through that other set of doors, just doing some office work and the like. Good luck!” She drags the twins out of sight.

You swallow.


With a shaking hand, you push open the set of doors the twins mother pointed you too.

“Don’t just stand there, come in.” Barks the voice from inside the room.

Abandoning caution and completely ignoring the voice panicking in your head, you push the door open the rest of the way and enter the room.

This one is well lit, unlike most Dark Eldar room’s you’ve been in.

A massive one sits at a gigantic desk, pen in hand and papers scattered all around the room, littering the desk.

“So you must be the famous champion of the arena my girls won’t shut up about…” He eyes you over, looking quite unimpressed.

“Yup…” Is all you can manage. This guy looks like he could tear you apart with a flick of his wrist.

The Dark Eldar sighs, rubbing tiredly at his eyes and reaching for a mug.

“So let me get this straight. You get captured, entirely legally by our code I might add. Tossed into the arena, also legal. Where you fight and win, perfectly acceptable. Before killing, or at least helping my adorable but idiotic daughters kill, one of my best up and coming henchmen? Do I have it right?”

You gulp, your throat feels as dry as one of Yagis V’s arid wastes.

“W-well… I mean, it’s not…”

The Dark Eldar sighs, interrupting you.

“While as troublesome as losing my envoy here was, I can’t fault you for his death, as it was more or less went perfectly per-code. I can however, call you an asshole for giving me this much work that I have to do. Do you have any idea how damn hard it is to find good help?”

He throws up his hands, gesturing around to all of the paperwork.

“I… Apologize?”

The Dark Eldar sits as still as a statue for a moment, before nodding.

“Fair enough, Vect.” He says, all business.


He extends one hand, which you shake.

He pulls you closer with the grip.

“Pleasantries aside, let’s get one thing straight. You hurt my daughters in ANY way, and I mean any, and I rip off your limbs and sell you to a pleasure cult on some shithole of a planet. Clear?”

You nod furiously.

“Good, now get the fuck out of my office and get those two out of here. As much as I love them, I can’t get any work done with those two around me, they are too hyper for their own good.”

“I’ll keep them off your hands for a while.”

“Good. I can finally get some work done. You don’t happen to know any good Dark Eldar around here, do you? Stupid question but I’m looking for up-and-comers to take over managing this place.”

“Well, I do know of a good pilot…” You give Vect everything you know.

“Thanks, I’ll see if he’s got what it takes. Now get those daughters of mine out of my hair… And do enjoy the skiff, but don’t wreck it. Cost me a fortune.”

“I’ll do my best sir.” You turn and walk back through the doors, closing them behind you.

You exhale in relief, that could have gone a lot worse, actually.

"Well???" The twins grab you, looking genuinely concerned.

"He... He said to have fun?"

"Yay!" They both yell, grabbing you around the middle.

"I'm impressed you made it out alive." Their mother says, crossing her arms and looking like she's seeing you for the first time.

The twins quickly escort you away, both of them practicality buzzing with excitement.

You stare in awe as they stop you in front of a massive vessel, an intimidating brass colored hull bristling with weapons and topped with three masts.

"Pretty cool huh?" They both chime smugly at your look of awe.

"We get to ride that?"

"Yeah! You might even be allowed to drive it for a bit!"

"Err... Maybe later...."

No less than a hundred crew stand at attention as the twins lead you up onto the main deck of the vessel, each of them looking like a seasoned veteran.

"Wow, this is a lot... Your dad wasn't lying when he said this thing was expensive."

"Hah!" The twins laugh in tandem.

"Daddy's always yammering on and on about money, he worries too much. We try to get him to worry less by keeping him occupied but then he just gets mad and boots us out."

You don't have the heart to tell them that's exactly what he just did, though maybe less literal boot and more planned shipping them off to be someone elses problem for a day.

"So what exactly are we going to be doing on this thing anyways?" You reach out to touch a cannon, but a crew member stops you, shaking his head.

"Oh the usual stuff. The food is great first off! We can swim, sail around, fish..."

"Lets not fish..." You cut in.

"Well, whatever, but we can have an all-round great time!" The twins look as though they are about to explode in glee.

"Ladies, it is time to depart." A giant of a Dark Eldar approaches you. He must be the captain, he just looks captain-ey.

"Where we headed, captain?" You ask, really wanting to know.

"Who, me?" The giant points at himself.

"Yeah? You are the captain right?"

He shakes his head no.

"Silly Max, he isn't the captain today." The twins chide you, grinning ear to ear.

"Oh. Who is it then?"

"Why YOU, dummy!" They cheer, placing something on your head.

They hold up a mirror to show you. Its a cut-out of a hat...

Dear Emprah...

Its turned hat-chan into a tricorner.

"All hand ter deck, full sails! Ladies, present the captain with ye poop decks!"

You get swashbuckling, and the crew snaps to life. They toss ropes off the sides, casting the ship to the seas.

"Your orders, Captain? I'm the helmsmen, you can call me Teach." A ferocious looking Dark Eldar gives you a curt bow, looking like he's anxious to get underway.

You look to the twins, who both give you their best salute.

"Ca'pn!" They both shout.

"Raise the anchor, ready all guns!"

The crew snaps to life again, busy carrying out your orders.

The twins hand you a map, which you give a quick glance.

"Where are we headed, cap?" They ask.

"We're going here!" You snap your finger to the T.

The helmsman's face falls.

"Trust me, Captain, you don't want to go there..."

"Damn the consequences, I am the Captain of this ship and my word is the law!"

You pull him aside and switch to a hushed whisper.

"But seriously, what does the T stand for?"

The giant grimaces, as though he doesn't really want to say.

"Tortuga, Captain... The T is for Tortuga."


"Well, its a pirate stronghold, Captain. Certainly no place to take these fine young ladies."

You look him over.

"...You're fucking with me, aren't you?"

Teach grins.

"Of coarse I am, its one of the funnest places on this damn world. Provided, of coarse, that you can show that you're tough enough to belong."

You bristle, doing your best to look the part of Captain.

"Yo ho!" The twins call out to you. You hadn't noticed them slip away while you were talking with Teach, but apparently they had because they come back toward you dressed entirely different. Each of them now sporting their best pirate attire, swords at their sides and pistols in their belts.

"Avast ye scoundrels, ye look so good that I should plunder yer booties!"

"Oh Captain~!" The twins giggle, holding their faces with both hands.

With that, the ship departs, headed for the far port, a wretched hive of scum and villainy.

You stand on the open bridge of the ship, falling more and more into your pirate captain persona as you bark out orders.

The twins seem to be getting into it as well, both of them looking incredibly pleased at this entire turn of events.

You look out into the vast expanse of ocean with the monocular the twins had given you, along with a few proper pirate-y additions to your getup such as a sabre and a pistol belt.

A younger Dark Eldar crewmen runs up to you, looking both excited and nervous. He appears out of breath, stopping at the foot of the stairs leading to the bridge.

"Captain!" He starts.

"Spit it out lad!" You yell down at him, putting away your monocular.

"Sir! We've sighted three ships, each within reach!"

Hmm, this isn't something you had considered before, the actual piracy part. You aren't sure if its something you want to get involved in, though it might be.

"Well, what are we looking at son?"

"Captain! A Chaos vessel running due east! A Rogue Dark Eldar ship heading north! Lastly, a Necron vessel steaming hard directly at us, sir!"

"Alright lads!" You shout to the crew, who look at you for direction.

"The Necrons are headed right at us, eh? Turn hard port, bring us around for a broadside!"

The crew snaps to, moving at incredible speed. The vessel easily turns, and quite nimbly so for a ship of such a size.

You swallow hard. You don't know why the Necrons are heading right at you, or who they are. All you know is that you have a bad feeling about this...

Teach steers the craft with well seasoned hands, his steel eyes watching the approaching Necron ship, growing ever larger in the distance.

"Hold..." You tell the gunners, each looking anxious.

The Necron ship gets closer, and closer, and closer.

Finally, its within range, and you can see what it really looks like.

The ship is massive, with several decks each armed with a plethora of gauss weapons jutting from the sides. Oh shit, this boat is far bigger than your own.

Large enough, it seems, to house a Monolith atop it.

Thread 17[edit]

Your own crew remains silent as the dead, watching the approaching Necron vessel with trepidation. You stay quiet as well, after the realization that this is going to be a tougher fight then you had originally planned on.

Before you give the order, the Necron ship makes the first move.

Gauss cannon fire rakes across the side of your skiff, slamming into the armor and burning through it in some places.

“Fire!” You shout, pointing your cutlass at the enemy ship.

The crew snaps to, responding with blazing speed.

The deck guns of your own ship open up, with a resounding noise as they return fire. You watch as several of the enemy crew are swept over into the sea as heavy needles impale them.

“Keep shooting you dogs, keep shooting!”

As though to demonstrate, you activate the plasma cannon in your arm and let loose your own scorching attack.

“Cap’n, they are heading to cut us off!” Teach yells, a faint hint of panic in his speech.

You look to where he is gesturing and see what he meant.

In front of you is a narrow channel between a peninsula and a small archipelago. The only channel deep enough for your ship to make it through.

“Shit! Don’t let up on them!” You order the gunners.

“Can we beat them there, Teach?”

The Dark Eldar nods.

“It’s likely, though not a given.”

That leaves you with a few options.

“Break off, Teach!”

“Cap? If we break now, they will block the channel!”


“You mean you want to enter a turning fight with them? That’s insanity!”

“Exactly. They won’t expect it.”

The Dark Eldar helmsman hesitates only for a second, before rapidly spinning the wheel, breaking off the run.

“Deck guns, give them something to worry about!”

At your order, the cannons of your ship increase their fire rate. Though they are raining hell on the Necron ship, the robots are hardly running scared.

You have to duck as a bolt of gauss ignites an ornate wooden statue barely just two feet to your left. Grimacing, you imagine Vect isn’t going to be too happy about his image in wood being obliterated.

No time to worry about that, though. You’ve got a fight to win.

“Full sail, hard to port! From that angle they won’t be able to train all of their guns!”

The crew obliges, and your tactics are fairly sound.

As your own guns continue to blast holes into the Necron ship, your enemy finds themselves quite unable to return the same volume of fire.

“Captain she’s turning ‘round to broadside us again!”

“Turn out of it!”

“We won’t slow down in time Cap!”


You know you can’t win a direct broadside engagement, the Necrons have nastier guns, and a lot more of them.

“Get in close, we can stay out of their heavy guns!”

Teach obliges quickly, deftly maneuvering the vessel.

Sure enough, as soon as you get close, the heavier Necron guns can’t lower their elevation enough to track you.

“You sure about this, Max?!” The twins yell hesitantly as you begin to draw up alongside the Necron ship.

“Are you questioning your captains orders?” You fold your arms and raise an eyebrow at them.

  • Clang… CLANG CLANG*

Whirling around, you realize the only mistake of this plan. A dozen Necron warriors now stand on your deck, having jumped down from above.

You are about to order the crew to stand fast and fend them off.

“Don’t worry about them, leave them to us!” The twins yell, unsheathing their own swords.

With blinding speed and swan like grace, they leap down to the lower deck, swords flashing in the mid-day sun as they spin.

“Deck guns, fire everything you’ve got!” You command.

At your order, the crew works their weaponry for everything its worth. You watch, satisfied, as your own guns tear massive chunks out of the side of the Necron ship. Your own crew expertly aiming as close to the enemy craft’s waterline as they are able.

“Good show, keep it up!” You yell in encouragement.

Below you, the twins are a blur of spinning blades.

The Necron warriors aren’t nearly fast enough to match them. Senna expertly knocks aside a clumsy swing of a gauss rifle before stabbing the attacker through the head. Senda swings her two blades in a wicked arc, cutting the skull of another right in two.

It’s working.

Your plan is actually working!

You feel a bit elated, until you hear something crash hard into the deck behind you.

A Necron pirate lord stands up from his crouch, uttering a cold metallic chuckle.

You stand firm.

Faster than the warriors, he expertly unsheathes his steel and brandishes it in your direction.

“Remember, I want him alive!” You hear an all too familiar voice yell from the Necron ship. Looking up, sure enough, you spot your favorite little psychotic Pariah.

“Don’t struggle, honey! I’ll take you away from these filthy meatbags!”

“What makes you think I *WANT* that?!” You protest.

…She doesn’t appear to have heard you.

“The Lady told me to bring you back alive, but that doesn’t mean completely intact.” The Necron Lord laughs again, before lunging.

You barely manage to step back with enough time to avoid the strike, your own cutlass clashing against his as you block.

Any confidence you had going into this fight is instantly and abruptly ended when the Lord continues his assault. It’s no contest. In a straight up sword fight, you will lose.

The crew of your own ship rush to your aid, but find themselves with their own problems to contend with as Flayed Ones warp to the deck behind the Lord.

Without letting that phase you, you step forward and swing your own sword.

The Necron Lord is forced back as he parries, but the counterattack is quickly cut short as he strikes back.

The twins are still engaged with a fresh wave of warriors, and the rest of the crew aside from the gunners now has their hands full with the Flayed Ones. This leaves just you and the Lord to each other.

A straight up fight is what he wants, but too bad for him, he isn’t going to get it.

You continue to match him blade for blade as you desperately think of some way to do this. You doubt he is an idiot, so you are going to have to make it subtle.

Which means it isn’t going to be easy.

“You aren’t too terrible, for a pathetic human!” The Lord hounds you, thrusting again and forcing you back.

Though you don’t humor him back with witty banter, your mind racing for an answer to this problem.

You could try to back to the rail yourself and quickly reverse positions somehow, but it’s unlikely he would fall for that. The idea of putting yourself that close to a long fall isn’t exactly thrilling, either.

No, there is only one obvious solution here.

With a vengeance, you attack hard and fast. The sudden change in tempo has the Necron Lord falling back rather than you, and you press that fact, keeping him on his heels.

The deck, really not that wide, feels as though it may as well stretch the length of a Titan. It’s a struggle to fight for every inch, and despite the Necron Lord losing ground, it isn’t enough.

Well, it just might be time to try out these honed mind powers Esh helped you with.

“Fus Roh Dah!”

The sudden psychic onslaught knocks the Necron Lord back, sending him reeling until he regains his footing no more than a foot from the edge. He realizes his predicament, but you don’t give him a chance to remedy it.

But something catches your hands before you can move in, and crushes your fingers even through the power armor.

With a pained howl, you turn to see your assailant.

“Oh honey my honey, surely it’s time to end this false bravado. It’s getting late, if we don’t get you back soon the process won’t be complete until tomorrow!”

She kicks you in the lower back, pain jets up your spine. Tonya sinks the blade of her staff into your armor, and you feel it go dead as she expertly severs power to your legs.

“Silly honey, this game has been fun but I’m tired and want to go home~.” She sings as she starts to drag you by the arm. You try to struggle, and as you do, Tonya smiles and sinks her blade into your shoulder.

White hot agony shoots through your body.

“Now now, don’t make us late!” She chides you as the Necron crew lowers down a ramp.

You grind your teeth as you try to somehow curb the blood oozing out of your fresh wound.

“Oh don’t worry about a silly little thing like THAT!” She giggles.

“It will stop bleeding as soon as we get rid of this silly flesh!” You watch the Dark Eldar skiff fade in the distance, now engulfed in flames, as Tonya hums happily to herself.

You don’t know where she’s taking you, but you can almost guarantee yourself that you aren’t going to like it…

"Well I can't have you bleeding all over the deck, now can I?" She asks, as though angry at your blood belligerently staining her ship.

"No no, it simply won't do."

She drags you over to a hatch, propping it open.

"Here, keep quiet until we arrive."

She drops you through the hatch and you plummet into the darkness. Crumpling up into a ball as you hit the cold floor beneath, you just want to sleep.

Something shuffles in the darkness...

Your eyes beginning to adjust now, you can make out shapes.

Terrible shapes.

One of the flayed ones gets close enough that you can make him out through the faint light pouring in from the grate above.

He lowers his face to your own.

"*Clang?*" He asks.

"*Clang clang*" Several more agree, as they start stripping you of your power armor.

Several hours of brutal Flayed One sodomy later, and Tonya finally has you hauled out of the dark hold.

"Now!" She says gleefully, completely oblivious to what you've just endured.

"Time to make you one of us!"

The Necron Lord smirks, smug in his own skill as he raises his sword easily and readies to block the oncoming blow with little effort.

Too smug, in fact, to see the real danger.

By the time he realizes there is a plasma cannon sticking out of your left arm, it’s already too late.

The hot shot of plasma impacts him in the chest, knocking him backwards until he hits the railing. He teters there for a moment, before falling over backwards.

You run to the edge to watch him fall.

“That wasn’t a sword attackkk!!!!” He yells up at you angrily. “Suck it!” You manage to interject before the Necron Lord crashes down into the waves. You judge that Necrons are poor swimmers, as you don’t see him bob to the surface.

“Oh no! Not the Captain!” You hear Tonya yell, and look up to see her angrily beating her fists against her own ship’s railing.

The crazy machine girl whips around as she hears something out of your own earshot.

“What do you mean ESCAPE?! We have them on the run! Hey! Are you listening to me!?”

Apparently her crew is decidedly NOT as the Necron ship breaks off. You notice it’s leaking black sludge out of the holes torn into its hull by your ships own guns.

The Dark Eldar crew cheer, shout, and rattle their weapons as they watch the Necrons turn and run.

You can’t help but join their elated cries.

“Good show Captain!” Teach claps you on the back.

“You really showed ‘em didn’t ya Max~y boy!?” The twins grin as they each take one of your arms.

“We did, didn’t we? Should we pursue them, Teach?” You ask, deferring to his obvious experience in naval matters.

The fierce pilot thinks for a second, before shaking his head. “While we might be able to win, it might not be in our best interest. Vect is already going to flip shit when he sees the state of his pleasure skiff.”

“Erk…” You suddenly remember that this is not your boat. Looking around at the blown out guns, the holes in the deck and sail, and the general disarray of the whole vessel… You aren’t looking forward to having to doing some ‘splaining.

“Don’t worry, don’t worry…” Senna laughs, patting you on the shoulder.

“We’ll be fine.” She smiles.

“Just because we’ll be fine doesn’t mean daddy is going to go easy on him, Senna…”

“Oh… You’re right Senda…”

“I’m blaming it on the both of you.” You shrug.

“W-what!?” They both yell, grabbing you tightly and looking up at you, mouths agape in shock.

“Cap, if I may interject, what heading should I take?” Teach asks, eying his instruments.

“Hmm…” You rub your chin.

“Tortuga!” Senna shouts gleefully.

“The pirate port!” Senda pumps her fist.

“Well Mr. Teach, I believe you have your heading.”

The Dark Eldar pilot grins, along with most of the crew.

“To Tortuga then!” He shouts, letting the wheel spin.

The rest of the journey is rather uneventful, and you can’t help but relax as one of the crew hands you a bottle of what you taste to be rum.

The twins have changed into matching sling bikinis and are sprawled out lazily on towels laid on the deck, tanning. At least you think so. You don’t know if Dark Eldar CAN get a tan.

With the ship now making good time, you busy yourself between the rum, oogling the twins as subtly as you can, and trying to get your voice into the best pirate accent you can manage.

“Land ho!” Shouts the lookout from the crow nest.

Sure enough, off in the distance, Tortuga.

Teach guides the skiff expertly into a dock, a dozen or so crew leaping off to secure the lines.

The island is pretty fucking pirate-y, you have to admit. A sprawling town of shanties and faded wood-sided buildings, adorned with skulls of massive sea beasts and chock full of the most villainous folk you can imagine. Many of whom are staring blatantly right at you as they watch the crew secure the wounded vessel. Some others making it less obvious they are watching.

“Damn, this is quite the place, isn’t it?” You whistle.

A staunch looking man with his hair and beard in beaded braids stomps along on a peg leg as he walks down the deck toward you and the crew.

“Welcome to Tortuga, port for the unwary and unkind.” He gestures to the town behind him.

“Now, I’ve got to ask, what makes you tough enough to think you belong here?” He folds his arms, looking at you as though he himself doesn’t think you are tough enough.

You take back a long swig of the rum, and reach into the pistol belt where you secured a cigar earlier.

Activating the flamer in your arm, you light up the stogie and blow a thick cloud of smoke.

“I’m the toughest motherfucker on this planet.” You say coolly.

“Doubtful, the Space Wolves are here.” The man says, looking less than impressed.

“Logan himself punched me in the face and I survived.”

“Oh. Well, that does make you pretty tough I guess.”

“So we can enter?”

“Huh? I was never going to stop you in the first place.”


You look back to Teach, who is busying himself handing out orders to the crew in your stead. Looks like he’s trying to get some kind of repair job underway.

“Hey Teach, you coming?”

“Huh? Nah, Cap. The crew and I are going to fix this thing up best we can. Besides, we were just here with Vect last weekend.” He waves you along, letting you know to go on ahead without him.

“Fair enough. Hit the town if you guys get a chance, though.”

“Will do, Cap.”

You notice the twins are tugging on your arm, trying to get you moving. Both of them are back in their pirate attire, and you notice, now fairly browned up.

“Cmoonnnnn….!” The groan as they try to pull you.

“Let’s go! Let’s goooo!!!” Senna jumps up and down impatiently.

You let them drag you along, both of them pulling excitedly and babbling to each other in a high-pitch fast-paced verbal flurry. It would be exhausting to try to follow along with that conversation. You aren’t.

The main stretch of the town is a dominating street, paved with well worn black cobblestone. Lining both sides are every kind of criminal’s shop or hideout that you can imagine. Weapons shops, armor shops, pawn shops, tax attorneys…

“Damn, this place is bigger than I imagined it would be…” You can’t help but be a little awestruck by the sheer size of it all.

You come to a T in the road, and look around feeling thirsty.

"Lets stop somewhere, I'm hungrryyyyy..." Senna groans. You can hear her stomach growl.

"I wouldn't mind sitting down for a while." Senda agrees.

"You guys have a preference?"

The twins shrug as they look around.

"Any of these joints look fine, really. They are all bound to have food and chairs." Senda remarks.

The Salty Sea Dog Tavern looks promising. You notice the whole outside of the place is actually made out of assorted bottles split in half, nailed to the wood of the structure like shingles.

At the same time, the Tortuga Saloon & Fishery seems nice. It’s on pillars over the water, and you can smell the alluring aroma of seafood even from here.

The Thieves Cove Inn is a dark lit place. You can hear what sounds like a rowdy conversation from within, and wisps of smoke billow from its open shuttered windows.

Well, the Saloon & Fishery looks like a nice place.

You lead the girls over to it, Senna gnawing playfully on your power armor out of hunger and Senda trying to pull her off.

A tall, spindly Eldar hostess with an eyepatch grunts as you approach.

“Just the three of ya, then, eh?”


She leads you over to a table overlooking the ocean, and the three of you collapse into the wicker chairs. After a long, difficult voyage here, it feels incredible just to sit down. Until the hostess hurriedly gets you out of the chair and replaces it with one made to seat power armor.

“Now, what’ll it be?” The hostess asks, tapping her foot impatiently. You notice she doesn’t even carry a paper or anything, and you begin to think this isn’t her first day on the job.

“Rum all around?” You gesture to the twins.

“Fine with us.” They reply.

The Eldar snorts, and plops down three menus before heading off. You give the menu a look, and wonder how the “Fried 3lb deathshell” tastes… Actually, you don’t know anything about any of this food.

“Oi, what the hell is any of this and what out of that hell is good?”

“Deathshell.” Senna immediately states.

“The glow eel is my favorite.” Senda replies from behind her menu.

While you wait for the drinks, you decide to look around a bit. The place is built into one big circle out over the water, and in the middle of the circle you can make out a shallow reef through the clear pale blue water.

Schools of bright, vibrantly colored fish dart about. You notice several large, spike-shelled things slowly crawling over the ocean floor, which all the other fish seem to take care to avoid.

It seems peaceful, a far stretch from your encounters with the ocean on this planet thus far. The water is only perhaps ten feet deep, far too shallow for any beasts of the sea. You hope…

“Hey Max! Rums here!”

You head back to the table and sit back down. The rum is good and before you know it, your glass is gone.

In place of the hostess, a busty blonde Dark Eldar drops off a fresh round of drinks and asks what you want to order.

After much hounding, Senna convinces you to order the Deathshell. She assured you, rather hurriedly, that it isn’t poisonous. To fish, at least, and she’s never had a problem with it.

While you wait you look back at the town, and notice a wall of blue armor and fur moving through the streets. Though you aren’t sure if the Space Wolves want to see you again, you had better be prepared in case you bump into them again.

The food finally arrives, and you grimace a bit at the sight. Deathshell are apparently the spiny things you saw earlier. They kind of look like a giant snail shell up close, though coiled tightly into a spiral and covered in what you can guess are their name-earning spikes.

Senna is nearly to the point of visibly drooling as the waitress sets down the platter in front of her.

You on the other hand, are a bit more cautious at the steaming meal. Though the white flesh of it underneath the shell does look rather appetizing.

Throwing caution to the wind, you give it a try, and it’s actually pretty damn good.

The three of you enjoy the meal, and the twins pay in some kind of coin. You protest, despite having absolutely none of those coins yourself, but they assure you that the meal was cheap and they have plenty of money to spare.

Finally, feeling downright satisfied, you leave the Fishery.

You are feeling pretty good now, the food seems to have somehow invigorated you. Senna was right, the Deathshell was a good choice.

“Well, why don’t we shop around for a little while?” You ask them.

Both of the twins perk up, looking excited.

“Really? Do you mean it?!” Senna can barely contain herself, grabbing your arm and giving it a shake.

“Err… Yes?”

“She’s just excited because daddy hates shopping and never wants to go with us.” Senda shrugs.

"Ah, well. Guess it can't be helped." You shrug as well.

You let the girls lead you along as they duck into various shops and stalls. Despite your objections, they buy you a particularly fine looking cat-o-nine-tails, though its ends are knotted leather rather than sharp spikes.

“Why do I need this?” You ask as you leave that particular shop.

“It’s for… Ahh…. Keeping morale!” Senna shouts.

“Please don’t use it on the crew, some may like it but most would probably murder you…” Senda whispers as an aside.

They model various summer dresses and whatnot, and though you were having fun, they don’t seem to be slowing down. At all.

Maybe this is why old man Vect doesn’t like shopping with them, you are starting to feel drained as they pull you into yet another shop. This one labeled “Fine Leather Goods.”

Your interest is perked when they pull open the curtain to the changing room, now clad in revealing leather bondage gear. However it is short lived, as they don’t buy anything and instead drag you along into “Captain Jack’s Stuff.” Which amounts to nothing more than piles of broken things, jars of dirt, and screaming caged monkeys that the owner keeps yelling at.

“Why are we even in here?” You ponder out loud as the twins both hover over a compass.

“That doesn’t even work. You have monkeys on you, you know….” You trail off.

They don’t seem to be paying attention…

One of the monkeys flips you off, and you return the gesture.

“Oi! Nobody flips off me monkeys but me! Savvy?” The owner berates you.


“Well not particularly, I just want you out of here so I can sleep. C’mon out you go! Out out out!” He ushers the three of you out before closing the door behind him and flipping the sign in the window from “Captain’s In.” to “Get lost ya lubbers.”

“Well that was rude…” Senda folds her arms, looking rather put off.

“At least he let me buy this compass… Though it doesn’t seem to work…” She give the broken device another look before stuffing it into a pouch on her belt.

“He sure was weird…” Senna adds, before spotting something.

“Ah!” She shouts, pulling on your arm.

“Well well well. Fancy meeting you again, especially here of all places.”

You turn around, and notice Logan Grimnar and his retinue standing on the street behind you. Each of them looking fairly disheveled, red cheeked and mugs in hand. All of them in varying states of disarray, many missing pauldrons or other bits of armor. Each has sunglasses on, of varying styles.

“Rough night?” You inquire.

“Boy, you don’t know the half of it.” One of the seasoned ones groans through his thick beard.

"It was a night that would have killed lesser men." Another agrees.

“Fucking Bjorn the drunk-handed is lost somewhere in this town, we’ve been looking for him all morning.” Logan says between drinks.

“You should have heard him, bitched up a storm.” Another Space Wolf laughs.

“I am the oldest living thing in the Imperium, I can remember things the likes of which you’ve only heard stories.” Another mocks in his best dreadnaught voice.

“After all that he gets wasted along with the rest of us. You should have seen it lad, he was still complaining with girls hanging off both of his arms!” The marine continues before taking another drink.

You notice they are drinking out of rather unusual mugs.

“Hey, those don’t have your emblem…” You muse.

“Oh?! These?” Another veteran-looking Wolf pipes up, waggling his mug before taking another drink.

“Well, the Blood Ravens were gone from their base when we found it. We couldn’t just leave these lying around, don’t want them falling into the wrong hands.” Logan laughs as he takes a chug out of the mug, which is emblazoned with a red drop of blood and wings.

“They uh… They won’t mind?”

“What? Noooo. I’m sure they are just glad these didn’t get taken by some foul Chaos ilk.” Logan grins as he puts the mug to his lips yet again.

“Right… You guys are drinking pretty heavily for having such a rough night, though.”

The Wolf with the thick grey beard raises an eyebrow.

“This is drinking hard? News to me.” The others laugh along at his comment.

“Still have that pistol I gave you?” Logan asks as he picks up your arm, checking out the storm bolter there and looking fairly impressed.

“Still got it.” You pat the pistol at your belt.

“Certainly doesn’t look like you need it anymore, though.” He laughs.

“Anyways, we’ve got to get going. Bjorn is somewhere around here, a bar wench said she spotted a dreadnaught in a sombrero stumbling along through here about an hour ago.” Logan grimaces.

“Sure hope that old bastard hasn’t gotten himself into more trouble than he can handle. I’m still surprised he didn’t pass out in the saloon, for as much as he sleeps all the time…” He shrugs before clapping one of his retinue on the shoulder.

“No matter, we’ll find him!”

“Hey, how about we help you look?” You ask, a bit desperate for something to do other than get dragged into another shop.

“Well…” Logan ponders.

“It couldn’t hurt. Though if you find him, I’d advise you give him some space. A hung-over dreadnaught is nothing to trifle with unless you know how.”

“Can… Can we ride around on him, once we find him?” Senna wonders out loud.

“I don’t think he’d like that…” Senda sighs at her sister. The Space Wolves wave as they trudge off in search of their lost ancient comrade.

“Well, now what?” You ask, instantly dreading the answer. “Moar shopping!!!” Senna yells, you don’t know how she’s maintained this level of energy and enthusiasm. You’ve been shopping for well over three hours now.

“Screw shopping, we need to head back soon.” Senda forces her sister to quit bouncing around.

“Eh, we’ve got a while left until dark I think. Don’t have to leave here quite yet.” You shrug. As little excitement as most of this shopping spree has been, you aren’t exactly rearing at the bit to go back to big daddy Vect quite yet.

They go back to their shopping mode, even Senda getting into it again. You sigh, hopefully the trip back will be uneventful, because you are exhausted.

“Hey, check out this card-stand!” Senna knocks on the side of something hard.

“Card stand? Bjorn is no card stand!” The dreadnaught rotates around, knocking the cards that had in fact been attached to it off.

“Bjorn is the oldest in the Imperium, the most ancient of warriors, the…”

The dreadnaught teeters slightly, seems to regain its balance, but then overcompensates and crashes down onto its side. People have to scatter out of the way to avoid being crushed.

“Where am I? Who are you? Get off my lawn!” The dreadnaught shuffles it’s feet as though trying to walk toward you.

“Hey, the other Wolves are looking for you, you know.” You tell the old dreadnaught, who quits trying to walk.

“Tell them to bring my prune juice.” Bjorn booms as he shoves himself back upright.

“Hey mister dreadnaught, can I ride on top of you?” Senna asks before you can stop her.

“Twins? TWINS?!!?!?” Bjorn moves his chassis toward them, as though peering at the girls.

"My twins." You add.

"Your twins?"

"His twins." The sisters agree in unison.

"Bah, no twins then. Come little people, let us go get tankred."

"Uhh, you mean tanked?"

"No, my friend Tankred, I've been looking for him. That's why I left those lightweights behind at the bar."

You don't know what a Tankred is, but so long as the old dread is happy, whatever.

"Can... Can I ride you now puhleeeeasssseee?!?!?" Senna asks, tugging on Bjorn's leg.

"Even in death I still give piggyback rides."

"Yay!" Senna happily and astoundingly quickly scales up the ancient armor until she stands on top.

"Ohmigosh you have to get up here Senda!"

Senda sighs, but then humors her sister and climbs up as well.

"Now then, drink drink drink." The old fartcan booms before grabbing a distillery tank right off a building. He pours the liquid down his front. You can sense he is somehow drinking it.

"Hey! Watch it with the booze! That or get me some!" Senda yells, annoyed at nearly getting drenched by Bjorn's antics.

"Hush twins, for now is the hour of boozing." He retorts, tossing aside the now empty tank.

"You there, Commissar grey knight thing, take us to the bar, that we may reap the harvest of inebriation. For surely that is where Tankred shall be."

"Dude there are like, a hundred bars here..." You gesture around, pointing out no less than twenty.

"Silence, and do as told."

"C'mon Max, just humor him." Senda shrugs, eager to get moving.

"Bah, fine. I hope you are ready you old fart, I'm going to drink you under the table." With that, you lead them to an establishment large enough for Bjorn to enter.

The first thing you notice upon entering, is the other dreadnaught. He stands at a table, surrounded by sixteen rough looking pirates, all laying face down on the table. This other dread is still pouring a cask of rum down his front.

"Where do you all keep coming from?!"

But both dreads ignore you.

"Tankred my old friend, it appears you are the last one standing."

"Tankred endures." The other dreadnaught agrees.

"Excellent. Now let us school this young whippersnapper in what it truly means to imbibe."

"We're drinking too!" Senna pouts from atop Bjorn.

"Heh, as though I would lose to a bunch of old men."

"As though either of you stood a chance."

You ready your mind, and your liver.

The first round is set before you, each an entire flagon of dark rum...

Damn, you aren't walking away from here sober.

Though it takes you several minutes, you finally manage to finish off the entirety of the sweet cane booze. Already, you are starting to feel its effects.

Both dreads drink theirs with seemingly little difficulty, though each of them has an entire keg, since so much is wasted as it drips down their front.

"I'zzat all *hic* of 'et? Blah, waznt so tuff..." Senna mocks, poking you in the side.

"Silly little brown girls, that was just the warmup round." Tankred laughs.

"You had best prepare your body, the next round begins now."

On Bjorn's last word, the next go of drinks is indeed laid down before you.

This continues for a half dozen or so rounds.

"An so dats when Logan punches me in mah face!" You finish the story, laughing so hard you can barely finish.

"Haw haw hawwwww...ZzZzZzZ..." Bjorn laughs, before the massive dreadnaught tips backwards, landing hard and splintering a table. Thankfully the table's inhabitants managed to move out of the way in time.

Well, that's one dread down...

The twins are both snoozing, propped up against one another as they sleep. Senna blabbers something in her sleep every few minutes before going back to light snoring.

"Tankred... Endures..." The other old dreadnaught replies, as the last of the keg drains off of his front.

"You is... You is a tuff ol' man, shit." You boggle.

"I am the law." Tankred burps.

"Are... Are you both sure you can handle this?" The waitress asks, setting down yet another flagon of rum.

"I was *belch* born ready." You manage.

"Whatever, your funeral buddy."

"I shall the victorious be today, Yarrik wannabee."

"Pah, in your forever entombed dreams."

Both of you get to drinking, though both of you are well past your actual limits.

"Tank... Durrsss..." The old dread drops his cask, and starts snoring, loudly.

"Oh, the rums gone..." You muse, holding the clear glass in front of your face, the world around it spinning.

"Oh, good of you to find Bjorn for me." Logan laughs as he slaps you on the back.

"Now lets see if you can make it in the big leagues."

He sets down a frosted mug of nut brown ale in front of you.

You slam it back before saying anything.

Though when you go to open your mouth...


You wipe your face, and Logan grimaces at the fresh vomit adorning his armor.

You pass out before hearing what anyone has to say.

I sigh at the sight, the Space Wolves sniggering but fairly impressed.

Well, I guess they should be. Not every day a dreadnaught gets trumped in a drinking contest, I guess.

"Cant leave him alone for a day, can you?"

Its true, and I knew it. Which is why I'd... Borrowed... A sister of battle sanctified jetski and followed the massive Dark Eldar pleasure craft.

I pause, watching the Astartes as he laughs and gestures to Max.


"Eh? Don't say much, do ya kid?"

"...I get that a lot..." I reply.

A heavy hand on my shoulder.

I look up, and notice its Logan Grimnar himself. Never thought I'd meet someone of his importance, until I remember I've met the Emperor.

"Don't worry about it. I know you assassins have a pretty tough lot in life." He smiles, perhaps even warmly.

But I can see right through the guise, the falseness of it all.

I can't blame him. We Vindicare don't exactly have a... Stellar reputation. After all, we are the ones who get a call to wipe out someone thought to be tainted by chaos that the Inquisition would rather just be gone with. Admittedly, that sometimes includes space marines.

Its the same everywhere. Well, the few times I've ever met anyone. Talking to others as a Vindicare is difficult, as the Ordo does everything in its power to assure you never get a chance.

Ever since being whisked away to be made into an assassin, I can probably count the number of people I've met aside from those in the Ordo on a single hand.

"Dammmit Helenenea, gimme bak mah *belch* mufrsknsrrr...." Max mumbles angrily, before falling back asleep.

Thankfully the Dark Eldar crew arrive and start carrying off the twins and Max, who despite being passed out, somehow manages to walk.

"Thanks for grabbing us..." The one who introduced himself to me earlier trails off.


"Right. You sure you don't want a ride back with us?"

I'm not sure how to answer that. The ride over here wasn't unpleasant, despite the small issue of the Necron ship. In the chaos I'd rigged a melta-bomb to the side of it, tipping the scales and forcing their hand into a hasty retreat.

Doomrider surveys the empty bar, the smashed tables the dreadnaughts had landed on, the spilled booze "FUCK, I MISSED THE PARTY!" "No Doomrider, you are the party." and then Doomrider got sloshed

I shrug.

"I guess I'll ride with you, as long as we can tow the jetski back. Unlike this guy, I return things I borrow."

Teach laughs.

"Alright, lets get going then."

I walk out with them, and the cool evening air seems to have brought Max around somewhat.

"Kid?" He asks, a bit bleary eyed.

"Being as careful as ever, I see." I fold my arms, which shifts the rifle strapped to my back.

"Eh, just the average day." Max splashes himself with a bottle of water one of the crew hands him.

"Hey man, you should meet some of the crew. Some of those girls working the cannons. Unf!" He bites his lip and holds out his hands in a gesture for large size.

I don't say anything. The truth is... Its been a long time since I've even talked to a girl before meeting that Tau one. Am I... A bit shy? Around girls? No, I'm just focused on my mission, or so I try to assure myself.

Max doesn't press the issue, instead taking over for the crew as he hefts each of the twins over a shoulder and starts a rambling and off-tune rendition of "a pirates life".

...If only I could be so carefree...

I stop when Max pauses in front of me, turning around.

"You know, I really do have to thank you Eight." He says, his face serious for once.

"You've saved my ass more than once." He nods in respect.

"Its nothing."

"No, I mean it. If you never need anything, anything at all, just let me know."

I nod and... Smile?

"Great, now lets get back to the ship. I still need to devise a plan so Vect doesn't flay me alive for damaging it.

I follow behind them, feeling lighter on my feet. Maybe even happy?

"Raise the anchor, heft the sails, get crackin you fish its time to hit the seas!" You shout to the crew, who chuckle but start actually preparing to leave.

The ship looks at least a bit better than it did before you left it, and it seems Teach accomplished a fair bit of repairs. Despite this, the damage done to it is still very apparent.

You wince. Well, hopefully Vect will still be as thankful you took his daughters out of his hair for a day as he was earlier.

Somehow you doubt it will be that easy...

"How does she fare, Teach?" You ask the pilot.

"Not in perfect spirit, but she'll run." He nods to the freshly repaired sails.

"Excellent." You give him a fist bump.

"We'll have a longer ride back to the mainland, I'm afraid. Wind won't be at our back like it was on the way here."

"Might be for the best, I don't know how ready I am to face Vect." You shrug.

"Well, he might not kill you. Maybe." Teach teeters his head back and forth, as though debating in his mind.

"...Thanks for the confidence boost..."

"Anytime." He cracks back.

"Now then, if you need me, I'll be in my cabin. So ask the kid with the big gun instead, because I probably won't wake up."

Teach laughs, shaking his head as he does.

You look over at Eight, who is sitting alone some fifty feet above, perched on the mast. Well, at least he decided to ride along instead of hanging back to himself this time.

You hoist the twins and head down the stairs toward the Captain's bunk.

You busy yourself shedding your power armor, which is admittedly much harder this time then what you remembered it being.

The twins have woken back up, and you surmise that alcohol doesn't effect Dark Eldar nearly as much as humans, as they are fine and you are hammered.

Oh sweet, crisp sheets, you so crazy. You almost instantly drift off to sleep.


"Wah! What are we goona do on the bed?!" Senna jumps and lands on the bed.

"The same thing we do every night, dear sister."

"...Try to take over the world?"

"Sleep!" Senda scolds her twin.

"Blah, sleep is laaammeee. Lets have some fun instead!"

They look over at you, but its too late, you're already out.

"See, no use." Senda says, gesturing at you.

"Pfft, to you maybe."

"Oh? Just what are you going to do, dear sister?"

"Huh? Well, rape him awake, of coarse."

~whip *CRACK!!*

Your eyes fly open from the impact.

"Hohoho? That certainly woke you up." Senna grins evilly as she grips the whip that just smacked you.

"H-hey... We're all tired, can't we just get some sleep?" You ask, painfully aware that your hands and feet are both bound.

And you are naked...

"Hah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?" Senna coos, before smacking you in the side again.

"I never took you YOU for the sadistic one!" You grunt, as you strain to avoid another blow.

"Oh, did you think that it would be me? Bad guess, I'm the nicer one." Senda says from across the room, adjusting her reading glasses as she turns a page.

She's got your number, you did expect it to be her and not Senna.

"Well, as nice as it can be. Don't let her fool you, she's totally shlicking under that lap blanket." Senna bends down, whispering to you behind her hand.

"Am not!" Senda wings a pillow at her sister.

Senna dodges it easily, laughing and dancing around as her sister continues to throw things and she dodges out of the way.

"Ahh?! Look, you've kept me busy and now he's asleep. AGAIN!"

"Oh don't blame me." Senda scoffs.

"Too late, now come help me."

"Ugh, fine! Just don't bother me when I read afterwards!"

Something feels good...

You watch in shock as Ra'alman sinks you deeper into her.

"Yess, come to me my lover~" The fish god coos, pulling forcing you to thrust with her powerful tail.

"Oh no! Nope nein nyet!" You shout, realizing only afterwards, that you had been sleeping.

"Hnuh?" Senna inquires, looking up from her tongue-work.

"Well, *lick* I guess you were right, that did work." Senda says, surprised.

"I'm not going to get any sleep until I finish, am I?" You grumble.

"Until WE finish, fixed that for ya." Senna smiles maliciously.

"Oh no, I can't get out of these bonds!" You fake being startled.

"Fuah..." Senna pulls her mouth back, a strand of saliva linking it to your Inquisitor, who despite the copious amounts of alcohol, is on his feet.

"Well of coarse not, how would it be any fun if we just let you do what you want?" She asks.

Senna jumps up on you, straddling over your waist, before Sends gives her a shove that sends her twin back onto the bed.

"As if you get to go first, you interrupted my reading, I go first!"

"B-but I did most of the work getting him ready... Ahh?!" Senna protests in disappointment as Senda starts her fun.

It takes a shocking amount of time for the less hyper (though that isn't saying much) twin to lower herself all the way.

"This feels... Different, than what we usually use, sister." Senda comments, her face flush.

"Well yeah, it isn't fake, for one. For two, it isn't one of us using it on the other!" Senna replies, as though it were obvious.

"You guys... Use things, on each other?" You are genuinely interested, and like where this conversation is headed.

"Well yeah, what set of twins doesn't?" They ask, looking between each other with a "dis nigga" look.

"Now be a good boy and squirm around like you aren't enjoying it." Senda licks her lips.

"Oh yes, exactly like that..." Senda bites her lip as she works herself into a rhythm.

She's so tight it's like she's purposefully squeezing down on your power sword. What she interprets as you playing along is in actuality, you writhing in pleasure.

"Feh, if I have to wait, then..." Senna plants herself on your face.

"Don't just lay there, get to work!" She commands.

You obey, and pretty soon her hips are shaking and she's almost grinding on your mouth.

This continues for a good five or so minutes, and you start to feel that lightheaded sensation. Until Senda hops off and clamps down hard with her foot.

You jolt at the sensation.

"I told you, this isn't over until we're finished." She coos, reaching into a drawer.

Wait, why is she grabbing out a syringe?

"Oh this? Don't worry, this will just keep you... Fresh." Senda smiles, squirting out a small bit of the fluid and tapping the thin needle.

Well, whatever gets them off you guess...

"Holy shit wait what!?" You yell as you feel something prick your shaft.

"Oh hush, don't be such a baby. Its just a simple combat drug is all, slightly modified, but still..."

That does nothing to quell your rising sense of panic as you feel the cool liquid being injected, which is terrifying and painful and oh damn you were not prepared for this.

The concoction takes effect nearly instantly, causing you to swell to nearly double your girth, as it were. Your carapace gets so rock hard its almost painful, no wait, it is a little painful.

"See? That wasn't so bad, and my, what an effect! Those traders in the Commorragh were right!"

"Wow, that is pretty effective..." Senna muses, prodding it with her finger.

Senda wastes no time in hopping back on, and when she does, you almost have a heart attack.

Literally, you can feel your heart spasm.

"Oh shit girls, I think that was perhaps a bad idea."

"Don't worry, don't worry, you're probably just feeling the minor pulmonary and or cardiac side effects!"

"That doesn't make me feel ANY BETTER, AT ALL!!!"

"Too much talking, get back to work." Senna scoffs, forcing herself back down on your face.

Senda's movements become more rapid and erratic, and despite yourself you can't help but enjoy the ride. Her pale breasts bounce seductively in your face, contrasting starkly with her now tanned body.

"C'mon, c'mon..." Senna teases her twin, reaching out and twisting her nipples.

"Hurry up and cummmmmm!!!" She gives them one final hard squeeze, and Senda jolts.

"Hahhhh!!!!!" The Dark Eldar girl riding you shouts as you feel her convulse, her insides wrapping tightly around you and pulsating. Her orgasm lasts nearly a full minute, before she collapses down on top of you, her head falling right into her sisters lap.

You let yourself fly as well.

Well, you try to anyways...

"What the shit, I can't shoot anything?!" You are very shocked and more than slightly disturbed.

"Oh quit being so melodramatic. You can't FOR NOW, it will go back to normal. Eventually." Senna laughs.

"Besides," She continues, sliding her panting twin off of you. "Its my turn now."

Rather than facing you directly, Senna watches over her shoulder as she lowers herself down, back toward you.

As mortified as you are about your current situation with the Inquisitor being barred from his exterminatus, you can't help but appreciate the view.

Senna's ass slaps down hard against you as she picks up the pace, and her cute little pink rear hatch pops into view each time her hips thrust down onto you.

"Excuse me, Max." Senda says, sliding up to your chest and getting to her knees.

"Payback time!" She shouts, before pulling back her hand, and delivering a hard and echoing slap to her twin's backside.

"H-hey!" Senna tries to protest, but Senda smacks her again.

"Shut up, you know you like it!" The "less sadistic" twin grins.

Senna's hips thrust down frantically, Senda continuing to smack her until her right cheek is noticeably red.

You feel one final smack/thrust combo finish her off.

"Nggghhh....!!!" Senna slams herself down and holds there, as the same stimulating feeling wraps around you during her climax.

"Wow. I so needed that." Senna sighs in satisfaction.

"Indeed. Well, time for some sleep." Senda replies stretching out and feeling the cool sheets against her skin.

Only they both stop their idle conversation when they notice you aren't laying down. In fact, you are very erect. Even more, while they had been chatting, you'd slipped your bonds.

"Bed? Sleep?" You laugh, turning around to face them. They both panic as they look back and forth between your heads.

"No no ladies, there will be no rest for the wicked tonight." You laugh, approaching them. They back up until they hit the headboard.

None of you get any sleep that night...

Frederick idles nervously as he stops the bike outside of Helena's barracks. He borrowed it from a friend for tonight.

Checking his chronometer, he itches the back of his head with one of his claw arms, wondering what's taking her so long.

One of his friends congratulated him on the date, and said something like this might happen, but just to be patient.

Another replied simply with "Bitches and hereteks."

"Sorrryyyy!!!" Frederick almost jumps in joy as Helena comes barreling out of the door.

"D-don't worry, plenty of time left to make the showing." He pipes up, somehow finding his courage despite almost being knocked off the bike by her beauty.

She almost looks like a different girl. Short skirt blowing in the wind, clutching her small handbag with a huge smile. A far cry from her usual gruff wrench-in-hand covered-in-tank-grease fatigues and black boots look.

Frederick isn't complaining, not one bit.

"Thank you, Omnissiah." He whispers, knowing she can't see him say it through the hood.

"Lets get going!" Helena, laughing happily, climbs on behind Frederick. The tech-priest has to stop himself from jumping with glee as he feels her fleshy orbs press into his back. he made sure to hold his additional arms out of the way, just in hopes that something like that would happen.

At this moment, he's happier than he's ever been. His hood flies down as he guns the engine, his unkempt crop of jet black hair whipping in the wind.

Helena smiles to herself, knowing full well what she did. She doesn't care, she is going to make this date a success no matter what.


The ship rocks lazily side to side in the gentle breeze, waves lapping gently at the damaged sides. Thankfully it's still afloat, I was getting pretty worried watching the battle unfold before I could get to it.

With Max at least somewhat secure down below, I can finally rest easy. Poor guy, he probably just passed out as soon as he got down there.

I'm not used to the waves, or the sea. I've seen it plenty of times, on many different worlds, but it just isn't something I think I'll ever get completely used to.

The jungle is what I really know. Though I haven't been to Catachan since the day the man in grey pulled me from her grasp and thrust me into this life. It may be a death world, but somehow it was home.

The Dark Eldar were accommodating enough, having given me as much food as I could eat and some fresh water. They also had some good cigarettes, which I busy myself with. A bad habit I'd picked up, but when your freedom is so restricted, you do what you can just to feel like you've made a decision on your own.

I look down at the ragged photo, for what is probably the hundredth time. I really should throw it away, burn it, something. All it ever does is make my heart hurt. I don't know the word to describe the feeling.

I'd tried once before, but had ended up going back to retrieve it. It is the only link I still have to a past other than the Ordo. Something real, more free.

I watch the xenos below, conversing with one another as they work. The sight is interesting. I don't get to see much other than a target in my crosshairs too often, well, that and expanses of wilderness or half demolished cities.

I almost wish I was one of them. What it must be like to have at least some kind of personal motivation, to be able to decide almost everything on your own.

Though I don't know what happens now. What I'll do after all this is over. Likely be picked up by my handlers and ferried on to my next mission.

That thought is depressing, but I know its pointless to struggle against inevitability.


Frederick, a true gentleman in most regards, offers his hand and helps Helena off of the bike.

The theater isn't a terribly ornate thing. In fact, in reality it's an old indoor firing range with a projector set up inside. It was built at the rampant demanding of the guard stationed here, as there was little else to do here but train and get into trouble. Bored guardsmen a well run garrison does not make.

Helena cheerfully follows Frederick as he enters, and her eyebrows raise as he stops abruptly in the doorframe.

"Is something wrong?" She pipes up.

"Err... Nothing really, we're just the only ones here."

What he doesn't tell her is that he had paid off the guard in charge of theater duty for the week to post an all-points bulletin everywhere but the tankers lounge that the theater would be closed tonight for cleaning. The tankers he didn't have to worry about, they have their own large projector in their commons and never bother with the far hike to the crummy run-down theater.

Frederick picks a seat in the middle, plopping down on the simple folding chair situated on the cold concrete below.

Helena takes the seat to his left, brushing her skirt out as she sits, due to its short length.

"What's on tonight?" She asks, though her real interest is far from the screen.

"Galactic Partridges: How we Defeated Horus." He reads off the card.

"Wow, those guys sure are tough bastards, aren't they." Helena ponders, her brow knit.

"Yeah, I heard they recently cleared out a massive Necron tomb on Yagis V."

Helena raises an eyebrow.

"Yagis? My brother is there."

"Well, if the Partridges are there, he's in the safest place in this galaxy." Frederick smiles.


I yawn, exhausted, and drop down from the mast. Though I've stayed awake in excess of one hundred hours before, this sixty or so hour stretch has me pretty beat.

On top of that, I've got a lot of minor aches and pains that all seem to add up to one gnawing discomfort. Again, nothing I'm not entirely used to, but still nothing pleasant. Just because I was trained to cope with it, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Another yawn as I make my way to the starboard side of the skiff. I'd seen a pile of tarps and assorted sail pieces and whatnot, and I figure it's as good a place as any for some rest.

Sleep and I haven't been good bed partners for a year or so now. I have a hard time falling asleep, and when I finally do, often times I find I wish I hadn't.

I'd heard talk about such a problem, from some of the older Vindicares. Though that definition of old is pretty harsh. Generally we are lucky to live into our late twenties, though I'd only ever heard that through scuttlebutt in passing between other trainees.

I lay down gingerly on the tangle of cloth. The feeling is decadent. Its better than I could have even dreamed of. Same with the food, now that I think about it. I can remember, or think I can remember anyways, a few tastes of Catachan. Various local fauna and flora, the most distinct a tough yellow lizard about five feet in length that had a particularly sweet flesh, if I remember right.

The tablefare I'm used to, however, is far from anything worth remembering. Protein bars, which would be better if they were flavorless. The clear, near tasteless high calorie powser contained in my mask for extended operations...

None of it holds a candle to what I'd eaten tonight. It almost felt wrong for food to taste that good. And here I'd thought that some guard rations I'd pilfered before meeting Max were without a doubt the greatest cuisine in the stars.

Movement off to my left makes me pry my eyes back open.

Teach is standing at the railing near me, looking toward the star strewn black sky. Though I'm not sure he knows I'm here, somehow I get the feeling he does. Which is strange, as I'm not used to being spotted.

"Nice night out, isn't it?" He asks without looking over.

"Its alright, I suppose." I reply, a bit annoyed to not be able to fall right asleep. At the same time, I'm both glad and anxious to be talking to someone.

Teach looks over at me, tugging lightly on his long black beard.

"You're a killer, aren't you?" He asks.

My face darkens, and he must have seen it because he quickly waves his hands in peace.

"Apologies, no harm meant. I just get the feeling you are, which is decidedly odd because Max is most certainly not."

I sink down slightly into the cloth as I ponder how to answer.

Have I killed? Yes.

A lot? Undoubtedly.

Does that make me a killer? My stomach lurches, I know the answer I'd like to have... But I know it would be a lie. Yes, I am a killer.

Teach seems to notice my deep thought, and quickly seeks to lighten the conversation.

"Never mind that, honor among warriors is what I stand by. Are my crew treating you well?"

I nod.

"Good, good..." Teach looks back out to the sea.

Teach wanders off to go "check the heading" and I'm left now awake and not desiring sleep.

I guess it can wait. According to him, the combination of a strong current and poor wind means the tide is not to our favor. We are going to have to detour around the island, as the channel between it and the mainland is too shallow for our keel.

I could clean my weapons, though I remember I did that just a few hours ago. Its become more of a ritual that calms me down then an actual necessity. The Exitus was made to go long periods without cleaning, as so often is the case in the field.

I wander off along the top deck, headed for the set of doors leading down into the bowels of the ship. Already I can hear the commotion from inside.

Well, I've never been in a crowd before. It wasn't something we ever really had on Catachan and it certainly wasn't going to happen within the Ordo.

Pushing the doors inward, I step down into the scene.

Inside the ship is a bustling mob of noise and life, men shouting jokingly to one another, women laughing along. Many of the xenos are gathered around a table throwing dice, and placing down coins. Most of them yell loudly when the dice come to a stop, some happily, others in a disheartened groan.

"Hey! My man! Have a drink on me!" One of them shouts, thrusting a bottle into my hands before he runs off again, yelling at someone near the dice table.

I look down, and as odd as that encounter just was, it was interesting.

Pulling out the loose cork, I take a swig of the dark contents. Sweet. Too sweet. I give the bottle a dissatisfied look before setting it down.

I hear giggling behind me, and turn to look. A smaller and younger Dark Eldar laughs at me, her eyes illuminated in the flickering lights of this strange place.

"Fun." She finally says, pointing at me.

"Huh?" I blurt out.

"That's what you've lost, your fun."

Well this girl certainly is strange...

"Do we... Know each other?" I ask as calmly as I can. I don't know her, I'm just being polite. Though maybe I'm not, it hasn't been something I've had to worry about since joining the Ordo, who don't care about such frivolous things.

"I don't know you." She shrugs, before hopping off the barrel she was seated on.

I notice an emblem on her necklace, a skull with a sword in the background. The same emblem that Teach has on a similar necklace.

She must have noticed me staring at it.

"I'm Teach's daughter." She smiles.

"Oh? I noticed the necklace."

She smiles wider, before making a pleading face.

"Can you uh... Not tell him I'm here? He'll have my head for real this time if he finds out I've snuck into the ship again."

"I won't say anything." I tell her, without knowing why. My heart seems to have accelerated, which is alarming. It could be all of this smoke, I don't know what kinds of ghastly chemicals it may contain.

"Thanks!" She says brightly, grinning ear to ear.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I just finished loading these dice and I need to win some money for a new skirt!" I smile in response and she skips off toward the table.

I watch her leave, wondering if perhaps I'd said something to make her feel uncomfortable. I don't think I have, but then again I don't know.

Thread 18[edit]

Gertrude had been a servant girl for the Golden Throne as far back as she cared to remember. Her old bony hands knew every step, every inch of the gleaming monument.

She was blessed, at least in her own mind, to be able to see the Emperor every day as she cleaned. Though he was in a horrible state, it bothered her not. He was her Emperor, and she venerated him.

So it was with great, incomprehensible shock, that she stared upon entering the throne room.

Where once sat a shriveled, almost corpse like husk...

Now sat a gleaming, glowing being of unimaginable power. The Emperor still sat, having not moved, but no longer wretched looking.

"My... My Emperor..." She could barely whisper, her legs failing her and Gertrude crumpled down onto the floor, unable to do anything but stare.

Did she just see the faint flash of a smile? No, impossible...

"Two showers..." Senna stares, completely spaced out, into the mug of something hot and steaming in front of her.

"It took two showers to wash it all off..." She doesn't even make a move to take a drink.

"Serves you right for injecting me with that stuff." You laugh, looking out the porthole at the crew securing the ship back in it's home berth.

A knock on the door.

"Whats up?" You ask, pulling it open.

Teach is scratching his dark beard, his tough eyes giving the room a once over.

"Did you guys get attacked last night? It looks like a damn murder scene in here."

"Never mind that." You tell him, leading him out of the room and back into the hallway. Light streams in through the oval panes of glass set in the side of the ship.

"Should I be... Uh... Worried about the condition I brought this thing back in?"

"Yes." Teach says simply, raising an eyebrow.


"Doesn't mean you have to go tell him about it right off the bat. He's still pretty swamped with paperwork from what I hear."

Hmm... As the old proverb goes, you could put off today what you could accomplish tomorrow...

“I should probably just get it over with, shouldn’t I?” You ask, as though inquiring about your own funeral, which this could likely result in.

“Maybe? Vect can be pretty reasonable when he wants to be, maybe you’ll catch him in a good mood?” Teach shrugs.

Somehow you doubt you will…

The twins, upon hearing what you are about to do, inform you that they have to go do some "girl stuff" and are gone before you can protest. Damn those two, making you take the fall for this...

A secretary waits where you were told to go. Vect seems to be in an office rather than his own personal study.

“You got an appointment?” She asks in her nasally voice as she pops a bubble of gum and files her nails.

“No, well, not exactly. Can you just let Vect know I brought his daughters back safe?”

The secretary sighs, as though you’d just asked if she would do some arduous back breaking labor for you without getting paid for it.

“Mr. Vect.” She says, pushing down an intercom, “This guy here says he brought your daughters back or something.”

“Parker?” You hear Vect ask through the system.

“Yeah.” She says in her drawn out accent.

“It’s Max, actually…” She doesn’t seem to care, though.

“Send him right in!”

You gulp as the door opens, a torrent of wispy smoke billowing out of it.

“Parker?!” Comes the gruff voice from inside the room, which despite a small voice screaming in the back of your mind “RUN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE MAN!!!”, you enter.

“…Max, actually…”

“Right right, Max.” Vect is reading a paper of some kind, while his other hand searches across his desk for a cup. Judging from the smell, you think he’s got a cigar.

“So I heard you banged my ship up pretty rough.”

“Well… We uh, got into a fight with some Necrons.”

Vect sets down his paper on the desk.

“I don’t give a fuck about that.” He pulls the cigar out of his mouth and extinguishing it in a tray.

“Are my daughters safe?” He asks, his eyes steel hard.


“Well then, what’s the problem?” He sighs in relief, and kicks his feet up onto the desk, massaging his temples.

“Uhh… You aren’t… Mad? About the ship?”

Vect raises an eyebrow as he stares hard at you, as though mulling over your question.

“To be completely honest with you, I didn’t expect that you would actually bring it back.”

This catches you a bit off-guard.


Vect sits forward again, folding his hands together and setting them on his massive wooden desk.

“Let me tell you something, Max. I love those two daughters of mine, as much as a father can. That doesn’t change one simple fact, those two are quite possibly the most random destructive force in the galaxy.”

As he talks, he leans over and picks out a large green binder from atop a cabinet.

“Here, take a look.” He sets it before you, and opens it to the middle.

You almost laugh at what you see. Almost.

The pictures consist of many different variations of the same theme. Something; a pleasure yacht, a large skiff, a home, absolutely destroyed. The twins stand in front of the frame in every one, smiling sheepishly.

“My daughters have never brought anything back. They destroy things, plain and simple. You give them a vehicle to control or a house to stay in, and unless you are watching them like a hawk, it’s crashed and burning within the day.”

You don’t bother mentioning that it seems to be a trait you share as well…

“So, we’re cool, then?” You finally pipe up.

“Eh? Sure, whatever. Now get out of my office, I need to get back to work.” He shoos you away with one hand as he reaches for a communicator.

“Hey Parker.” He stops you at the door, and you turn around.


“Got any pictures of the Galactic Partridges? Good ones? I’d pay you for them.”

“No, sorry.”

“Doomrider? That guy is hot shit right now, really sells out the stands.”

“No, but I can probably get you some, I guess? You run a news paper business?”

"Bitch, I'm Vect. I do everything." He gives you a thumbs-up before waving you off, and starts talking on the device in his hand.

The twins are waiting for you outside the secretary’s room, both of them looking quite anxious.

“Gee guys, thanks for throwing me under the bus. Your dad says he’s going to toss me into the arena again.”

Both of them startle in panic, grabbing onto you wide-eyed.

“W-what?!” Senna gasps, frantically looking around as though she could spot something to save you.

“He did? Oh no, we thought he’d go easy on you!” Senda bites her nails.

“Totally screwing with you.” You stick out your tongue at them.

“Uggghhh!!!!” Senna bites your shoulder, looking quite angry.

“Jerk.” Senda folds her arms, but you can tell she’s relieved.

“You deserved it, entirely.”

They both nod.

“Anyways, we really do have some stuff we need to get done. We’re both slated to be MC’s for this year’s annual Raiding-Party awards ceremony and neither of us has anything written up yet.” Senda hands you a flier.

“You guys are… Famous?”

“Duh, we’re daughters of the big V, of course we are.” Senna grins.

You walk them back to their room, and they pause at the door.

“We really had fun with you, Max.” Senda smiles.

“Don’t let her fool you, we both really REALLY like you!” Senna gives her sister a playful shove.

“So you’d better come see us again!” They chime in unison, before planting a tandem kiss on your lips.

“Will do.”

With that, they disappear into their chambers.

“You’ve got quite some nerve, motherfucker.” A familiar voice from behind you.

Turning around, you recognize the Dark Eldar pilot who had ferried you around twice now. Only this time, he’s clad in far more regal looking equipment, a look of smug satisfaction on his face. He grins.

“You’re one excellent motherfucker, you know that? That word you put in for me? Yeah. I’m going to be in charge of this place as soon as Vect gets everything finalized.”

“Thought you’d like that.” You grin back.

“Fuck yeah. Now the twins told me they’ve got some work to get done, and knowing them it’s going to take every ounce of concentration and their mother standing over them with a whip, so we gotta get you out of here before they get sidetracked.” He gestures, and you start following him.

“Those two ever get any work done?” You inquire.

“Rarely, now where do you want to go?”

You climb into the ship, the Dark Eldar looking quite happy as he flips switches in his pre-flight check.

Rustling through your stuff, wondering what it was exactly that Eight is up to, your hand grabs something from a pocket and you pull it out.

Oh shit, you’d forgotten you’d had those bloodbowl tickets.

Oh fuck, the game is TODAY IN AN HOUR!!!

Quickly you whip out your communicator, dialing in Kaleshi’s number.

You snap the device to your ear, its ringing.

Come on, come on pick up…

“Hi, it’s Kaleshi, probably out helping dad get some skulls and can’t come to th…”


You cancel the communication and dial it again.

“Pick up damn it…”

Only one last ring left, fuuuuuucckk…


“Damn girl, answer your calls!”

“Hah! Was Max getting all weak-kneed at the prospect of me not acknowledging him?” Kaleshi laughs.

“Anyways, what’s up?” She asks.

“Well, what are you doing today? In like, an hour?”

“Hmmm?” Kaleshi pauses.

“Well… Daddy wanted to take me along with him to the big game today, why, did you have something in mind?”

“Yeah, as much as I think your dad is a swell guy, I’m taking you to that game. So throw on your sexy panties, let him know, and figure out a way to get me to… Ulagansh…? Because you are going with me.”

“I am SO hot right now.”

“Just as planned. Now seriously, how are we getting to that other planet?”

The Dark Eldar pilot looks over at you, probably wondering where to go.

“Just drop me off in the nearest town.” You block off the receiver and tell him.

The craft lurches to a start, soaring through the air in a hurried frenzy of whining engines. The pilot seems to be enjoying the flight more than usual, and you guess it probably has something to do with his recent promotion.

“So yeah, how are we getting to that planet? Can Doomrider pick me up?” You ask, hoping he can.

“Oh, that will be pretty easy for me. I’ll just pull you through the warp and bring us out on the other side there.” She tells you, as though it was the same as just the everyday drive to the market.

“Doomrider is busy...” She adds.

Well, whatever, so long as it will work.

“Here good?” The pilot asks, and you brofist him as he sets the craft down. With one last wave, you pile out.

“See you around!” He shouts to you before easing the vehicle back up.

“Alright babe, I’m on the ground now. Do you need my location or something? How does this work? Is it dangerous?”

Kaleshi laughs.

“Don’t worry, don’t worry. I’m going to get ready real quick so I’ll send my dog to pick you up. No it isn’t dangerous, that’s only for psychers.”

“Uhhh… Got some bad news then…”

But she’s already hung up!

Before you can dial her again, a warp hole opens up. You peer at it curiously, nothing happening for several seconds… Until a massive armored creature leaps forth, frothing at the mouth and growling as it bounds toward you.

“Oh fuuuucccckkkk!!!” You break to run, but too late. The creature snaps you up in its jaws before turning around and sprinting back into the warp hole.

What you emerge as on the other side… Dear Emperor, you horrify yourself.

When your world finally stops spinning, you can actually focus. The giant dog thing has dropped you, though not out of wanting to perhaps, but out of necessity.

After all, you are now at least fifteen feet tall or so. Your armor flickers and glows with warp energy, barely large enough to contain your new body that strains against it. With dread, you feel your head and sure enough notice two bony horns jutting from your skull.

“Oh no. This is not good…” Your booming voice fills the small circular room.

Kaleshi pokes her head out of a door, soap in her hair, you can hear the shower steaming in the background.

“Oh!” She looks excited.

“I didn’t know you were actually a daemon prince!”

You look at yourself in a nearby mirror, and almost lose it completely. Sure enough, your mortal self is gone. In its place you now stand, a towering figure of the might of chaos embodied.

“Ho ho! Dad must like you!” She snaps her fingers as if this was more than completely all right in her book.

“I don’t like it, not one bit.” You turn to her.

“Please tell me there’s a way to change back…”

“Huh? Why would you want to do that?” Kaleshi asks. “Gah, walk over here, I need to finish my shower.” The khornette adds quickly before ducking back inside the room.

You follow her inside, and take a seat on the toilet.

“It kind of messes with my vibe, in a very bad way. There is a way to undo it… Right?” You ask. Though you can see her sleek and well toned body through the semi-blurred glass of the shower, it really isn’t enough to take your mind off this more pressing matter.

“Well, if you REALLY want to undo it, I’m sure Tzeentch can.” Kaleshi assures you as she rinses out her silvery hair.

“Can she? Great!” You suddenly feel a whole lot better.

“Well yeah, but if we do that now we will miss the game. Besides, you look pretty bad-ass and one date out together like that would be pretty cool.”

Bad ass? Really? You check yourself in the bathroom mirror, seeing your new form for a second time. Yeah maybe, what with the spikes and the glowing red armor with gold lining and all. It isn’t necessarily a bad look, it just isn’t YOU.

Wait, what are you trying to tell yourself!? This is time to fucking panic, you don't want to be a daemon prince!!!

"Kaleshi I..."

But the shower door being slammed open cuts you off. The khornette stands there, a massive grin on her face. She looks like she's staring off into the distance, a big smile on her face.

"Quit worrying, we'll get it sorted out you wuss. Now, its time for BLOODBOWL!"

She leaps out of the shower, wrapping a towel around herself mid-air, and sprints back into her room. You hear drawers flying open as she grabs clothes out.

You walk out to her main room, and see she’s already ready to go. In place of her armor; nakedness, or dress, really the only three things you’ve seen her wear, is a jersey. It’s got all the colors of the chaos gods, and a big “# 81 DOOMRIDER” across the back and another 81 on the front. Her shorts are tantalizingly short, and you get sprung, wanna pull out your plasma gun.

“Ready to go!?” She shouts, excited, as she grabs hold of your arm. Which is now about as big around as your entire body used to be.


“Great, let’s go!!!” With one last giant grin, the khornette teleports you.

With a crackle of arcane energy, you appear again, only this time in a place truly bizarre. The sky above is a dark hue of violet, and black clouds move across it at a bizarrely fast pace. The stadium is massive, and incredibly crowded.

From the looks of it, nearly every race is represented. Though the vast majority are Orks in their red, blue, and green jerseys of their favorite players, and daemons in the same style of fashion.

“Wow, this is a pretty popular sport.” You muse, forgetting about your current predicament almost entirely.

“You mean you’ve never been to a bloodbowl game?!” She shouts, looking quite shocked.

“Can’t say I have.” You shrug, which is awkward with the giant axe clutched in your hand.

“Oh, you want to drop that off at the weapon check?” She asks.


Kaleshi leads you around after dropping off the axe. The weirdboy at the counter handed you a ticket to reclaim the axe on your way back out after the game.

The khornette is incredibly excited, that much you can be certain. She’s sprinting hand-in-hand with you between different vendors. Some she stops at long enough to maybe even look at something before running off again.

“Hey, what are we looking for, anyways?” You finally ask, after being dragged to the twentieth or so stall.

“Huh? Oh. Bloodcorn.”


She must have found it, because she cheers, her face alight. The vendor, a scraggly looking old chaos marine, dishes her out a large bowl of the vibrant red snack. Kaleshi munches on it happily as you pull her away to go find your seats.

You can’t seem to find them. Mostly due to the fact you can’t read whatever crazy language half the ticket is written in.

“Hey, can you even read this shit?” You offer her the tickets and she takes them from you.

“Tickets? Why would we need tickets? I’m the daughter of Khorne, we’ve got a private box waiting for us.” She gives you a look as though this were completely obvious.

“Then what about these tickets?” You ask, looking them over.

“Eh, don’t need em. Doomrider gave them to you, didn’t he?” “Yeah, why?”

“Just wondering. Don’t worry, he won’t care where you sit.” With that, she takes you by the hand again and starts leading you up a massive staircase. You climb for what feels like an hour. Not that it’s a particularly hard climb, it’s just difficult to maneuver your massive frame through the crowd.

Finally, she steers you right and through an impressive looking door marked with the symbol of Khorne. You pause in the entryway.

“Is uh… Your dad here?” You ask.

“Oh no, of course not silly!” Kaleshi giggles.

“How would he coach from all the way up here?” She grins, pulling you further into the room.

You take the seat next to her, looking around in the lavish place the two of you have entirely to yourselves.

“Oh man, I’m so excited!” She is almost bouncing from the pent up energy.

As if on cue, speakers in the room crackle to life.

“Ladies and gentlemen. Daemons and Orks. Everyone else… Welcome! Welcome welcome! To the twenty thousandth annual Universal Champions Superb Owl!” The booming voice is almost drowned out by the roar of the crowd.

“I’m joined tonight, as always, by John Madden. John, tell me, what do you think the key to this game is going to be tonight?”

“Well Keith, the key to tonight’s game is going to be scoring points while not letting the other team score points. Also, neither team is going to want to lose their star players so dismembering each other is going to be crucial.”

“Straightforward as always, John. Five minutes to kickoff folks!”

Kaleshi can’t stand sitting anymore, she jumps up and rips open a nearby fridge.

“Want one?” She asks, holding out a glowing red drink in a bottle.

“Sure.” You answer, without even thinking it through.

“So hey, is Doomrider going to be joining us here tonight?” You wonder out loud absent mindedly, watching the khornette’s bent over ass as she continues to fish around the fridge.

“Are you dense? Maybe after, but the team needs their star receiver.” She finally settles for the same drink as you, plus a bowl of something that she pours over her bloodcorn.

“Doomrider plays for the daemons?”

“Well yeah, how do you think he got those tickets?” She says before stuffing her mouth with the concoction in the bowl.

“Oh man, bloodcorn with extra blood. So good.” Kaleshi mumbles as she munches away.

You start feeling excited now, watching the field below as both teams pile onto it from their respective sides. Sure enough, you spot Doomrider out there.

“Now the key to a good kickoff return is to run without getting caught by the defense.” Madden says over the system.

“Hey Max, screw the seats let’s take this couch over.” She points to a couch sitting as close to the glass as it can.

“Sounds good.” You aren’t going to complain. The two of you crash down onto it.

Kaleshi sets the bowl aside, half empty, with a satisfied sigh.

“I can never have enough of that stuff.” She smiles as she kicks up her feet and sets them on your lap. You aren’t really a foot guy, but even you have to admit there is something alluring about her well manicured feet as you watch them bounce idly.

Both of you are quickly engrossed in watching as the game starts. The Daemons lost the toss and the Orks have elected to receive. A tall, spindly looking Daemon give the ball a hard boot which sends it sailing back into the Ork line. Apparently with enough force to knock the Ork who caught it… No wait, it blew a hole right through him and kept going.

“What a kick! What. A. Kick!” Keith shouts excitedly over the roar of the crowd.

The Orks scramble, managing to get the ball to the twenty yard line before being piled by a group of quite large and nasty looking Daemons.

Madden mumbles something excitedly, you don’t think anyone could have understood it as he squeals in delight when a Daemon slams into the Ork quarterback, knocking him hard to the ground.

“Oh that hit. I think I came!” Kaleshi shouts, taking a swig of her drink.

You try some of your own, and are actually pretty surprised that you find it quite to your liking.

“Hey, what is this?” You ask, holding the bottle up.

“Oh. Chaos Spawn blood.” Kaleshi tells you like it was just everyday water.

Gross… But you can’t help yourself and drink more, it is pretty damn good.

The game is really starting to heat up now, the Orks having been held to a field goal. The Daemons seem content enough with this, though Khorne is busying himself shredding papers and snapping clipboards in half as seven or so Daemons try to calm him down.

Doomrider goes on a long passing route, and the quarterback finds him deep in the backfield. With an agile leap and juke, the flaming headed daemon makes the rest of the run to the touchdown in a half-dance, half-run, before spiking the ball and raising his arms to the roar of the crowd. A yellow flag lands at his feet.

“Excessive celebra…” The ref never gets a chance to finish, one of the Daemon’s offensive line belts him in the head, crumpling it inward. No one seems to care.

You find yourself really starting to get into it now, cheering and booing along with the cute khornette alongside you. Until things start to go south, and the first and second string quarterback for the Daemons are both knocked out. Well, decapitated…

A whistle blows.

“And with that, we end the fourth quarter. Score tied at twenty one-twenty one as we go into overtime!” Keith seems excited.

“You know Keith, the key to overtime is to win the game.” Madden adds.

Kaleshi bites at her nails nervously, watching intently as the Daemons take the field again. They get their chance at a scoring drive first.

“He drops back, in the pocket, sending four and… OH!” Keith shouts as the Daemon quarterback gets hit from both sides, which literally tears him in two.

“Not a good display of an offensive line there, not good at all.”

“No Keith, you can’t afford to get hit like that. When you get hit after dropping back, you lose yardage.”

“Fuck!” Kaleshi yells, slamming her fists into the glass which she is now pressed against.

“Fuck fuck FFUUUCCCKK!!!!”

“Uh, what’s wrong?” You ask, not knowing all the rules and expecting something went poorly.

“He was the last quarterback, we’re going to have to forfeit!” She bites her lip angrily.

But then… She slowly turns around, staring at you hard, eyes alight with a crazy fire.

“Hey now, I seriously hope you don’t do this…” You start trying to back away slowly.

Too late, she’s already got her hands on you.

“Sorry Max.” She grins apologetically, “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. And also I’m not going home 18-1 again.”

“Oh no…”

“Dad, we’ve got one last player!” She yells, her voice shattering the glass and loud enough that Khorn can hear her from his position down on the field.

“I implore you to reconsideeeeeerrrrrrr!!!!” ...She’s already thrown you out into the open air.

You sail downward, overtop the cheering crowd below. Thankfully, Doomrider catches you before you can land, and rather than crash down hard he sets you down lightly.

“T-thanks…” You tell him, feeling shaky.

“DON’T MENTION IT. NOW, CAN YOU THROW?!” He asks, handing you a ball.

Well, you did qualify pretty high with grenades…

“Too late, get out there!” Khorne boots you from behind, sending you flailing out onto the field. The players huddle around you, eager to hear your play.

“In the shotgun, he drops back, sets… It’s a fake! He’s ducking around the left side, the line opening up a nice hole…”

“He’s going! This could be big! Yes, he’s through the defenders and still going strong! Three on his heels but damn this boy can run! Down to the fifty, into Ork territory now! Still going! OHHH!!! And he’s taken down at the Ork’s own eighteen yard line! What a play! What a run!”

"LAAAANDDDDD DRAAAAGGOONNNNN!!!!" The Daemon crowd booms while the Ork's yell in disbelief.

“That is how you run the football, Keith. You just put one foot in front of the other and run.”

You groan as you pick yourself up off of the field, and despite the pain from being hit by two charging Orks, you feel elated. Your first play in bloodbowl, ever, at the greatest game in the universe, and you’ve just run a sixty nine yard play!

“NICE ONE!” Doomrider shouts, slapping you on the back happily. It’s now first and eighteen, you haven’t scored yet…

“I like that number.” Slaanesh grins as it sips something from a glass, crossing it’s legs which causes it’s bulge to show even more.

“You would, wouldn’t you.” Nurgle laughs, downing some of his own drink.

“In the shotgun, it looks like he’s going to go for the rest of it on first. Doomrider goes left, double covered. Dropping back, pump fake… WOW! Barely manages to break a tackle! Under pressure now, he’s got to get the ball out! Doomrider breaks one cover… Runs back… Oh, he’s grabbed Doomrider! He throws, and….!!!”

“What a throw! Doomrider completes the… Well I guess it’s a pass? Down to the two yard line, and for yet another first down! I’ll tell ya folks, in all my years watching this sport, this! This is what bloodbowl is all about!”

The team all knock the grinning Doomrider on the helmet, and you can’t help but cheer along. Thankfully your demonic powers have given you quite the arm, as required to throw Doomrider that far. The crowd is roaring all around you, whipped up into a frenzy.

This feeling… This is amazing. You feel like the king of everything.

“NICE PLAY MAN, YOU WERE RIGHT, THAT DID WORK!” Doomrider gives you a friendly shake.

“All right guys, here’s what we’re going to do now…” The players huddle around you as you talk.

“Setup in the I formation…. Quick hand-off to Kharn, he runs forw… Holy shit he’s got a chainaxe!”

Sure enough, Kharn the fullback is busying himself slamming the axe into Orks as he runs forwards, howling madly with glee.

…He gets the two yards with ease.

“TOUCHDOWN DAEMONS!” You hear the announcer yell.

“Unfortunately, Keith, weapons have been banned since the Mike Pereria convention on them. The touchdown still stands because the Daemons would probably kill anyone who tried to overturn it, but Kharn will have to sit out the rest of the game per the rules.”

That doesn’t stop the crowd form chanting his name.

“Kharn! Kharn Kharn!” They yell.

Now, the defense just has to keep the Orks from scoring a touchdown and you’ve got this in the bag, as the kick was good.

Shit, they scored…

“Fucking shit!” Khorne yells, throwing a chair at the defensive line.

“OK MAX, TIME TO SHINE!” Doomrider helps you to your feet off of the bench.

You look up to Khorne’s personal box and see Kaleshi nervously biting at her nails as she watches. Fuck, you have to win this game, for her.

The team crowds around you on the field as you take over at your own ten.

“Right guys, we are going to finish this shit here. Grox! You and Gronk just fucking kill whoever tries to cover Doomrider. We’re going for the dragon here. Doomrider, its coming right at you buddy.”

“GOT IT, WE’LL END IT HERE!” He grins.

“Back in the shotgun, it looks like they are setting up to go long here.” Keith commentates.

“I’d say they are going to throw the ball.” Madden agrees. You drop back, the massive linemen in front of you barely managing to hold back the onslaught of charging Orks. You have to give Doomrider enough time to make it downfield.

Shit! Two Nobs break through, headed right at you!

You break right, just in time to avoid them.

Through the corner of your eye you see Gronk punch the head clean off of a defender, and Doomrider looking back over his shoulder.

Now or never.

You throw with all of your might.

The ball sails through the air, you watch it until you get hit from the side and knocked to the ground.

Did it work?

The stadium is incredibly silent for a few moments. Until…

“Pass completed by number eighty one, Doomrider! TOUCHDOWN DAEMONS!” Keith yells, and you can hear the excitement in his voice and the crowd’s collective one as it erupts into noise.

“FUCKING NICE THROW, FUCKING NICE!” Khorne yells as he helps you to your feet, slapping you hard on the back.

Above you see Kaleshi cheering for you.

You spot Doomrider running back, a massive grin on his flaming skeletal face.

The world is almost torn asunder at your epic bro-fist as his knuckles collide with your own.

“NICE THROW!” He yells.

“Nice catch!” You return.

Both of you sit down and watch, which is all you can do now as the defense takes the field yet again.

…And lets the Orks hammer in another one.

“Fuck!” You shout, but then you notice your team all grabbing things off of a table.

Doomrider approaches, holding a plasma pistol and a daemonic axe.

“Hey, what’s going on now?” You inquire.

“SUDDEN DEATH MAN!” Doomrider looks downright joyful.

“Huh, what’s that mean?” You ask as you stand up.



“I like where this game is going.” You reply with an evil smirk. Oh fuck it, you slip into the chainfists. Two of your teammates help you out, and get them secured.

After, you grab the daemon axe and the flamer off the table. Kaleshi appears suddenly at your side, grinning ear to ear.

“This is the greatest game ever. But you had better not die here, I’ll be pissed if you do.” With that, she sets a pair of sunglasses on you and sticks a lit cigar in your mouth.

“Hey, where did you get a cigar?” You wonder.

“Oh that? Creed handed it to me and told me to give it to you, he seemed REALLY pushy now that I think about it…” She trails off, her face screwed up as she thinks back.

“Well, tell him thanks. I guess?”

Kaleshi grins, before giving you a kiss on the lips. This causes you to panic slightly, as Khorne is standing right fucking there, but he doesn’t seem to give a single fuck today. He just wants a ring.

“HAHA, TIME FOR SUDDEN DEATH!” Doomrider cackles, stepping back onto the field.

Across from him stand the entirety of the Ork team, looking tough and mean in their ‘eavy arma, powerklaws and bit choppas flashing in the sun.

With one last kiss from Kaleshi, you follow the team back onto the field, lining up opposite the Orks.

“Now the rules are pretty simple for sudden death.” Madden announces, “You just have to kill the other team without dying yourself.”

A whistle blows, and without hesitation, you charge forward. Both sides meet in a frenzy of slashing blades and roaring gunfire. It’s a bloodgasm.

You lash out again and again with the daemon axe, which cuts into Orks easily, severing one entirely through the middle. Though your celebration is cut short when you see several of your own team falling to the ground, and a particularly large Nob makes you his target.

Lashing out with the flamer, you watch as the fire nicks at the Ork, who doesn’t seem overly bothered…

His powerklaw knocks the axe right out of your hand, and the flamer runs dry.

Time for chainfists!

With a massive punch, you drive one fist right into the nob’s stomach. He grunts as the weapon pierces right into him, shredding him from the inside out.

Another runs at you, and you swing the fist into him, drawing a nasty gaping wound across his throat.

Shit, another’s got you from behind!

You can’t do anything in time, he’s going to smash you with his choppa from behind!

  • BZZT*

What the fuck?

A miniature baneblade turret extends itself from the cigar, takes aim, and sends a high-explosive shell straight into the Ork’s head, where both explode in a fireball of blood and skull chunks.

--- Creed takes a long, pleasurable draw of his cigar as he watches.

”Fuck I love it when a good plan comes together.” He grins. ---

Wasting no time, you delve right back into the fight. You notice Doomrider slashing and shooting, clearly having the time of his life out here.

With one last powerful thrust, you drive your chainfist into the mouth of the last remaining Ork. Blood spews from the back of his cranium as the chainfist burrows right through it, spraying you with Ork blood and brains.

The crowd goes from an impossibly loud roar, to pure fucking insanity.

Khorne can’t contain himself, leaping up onto a table and facing the Ork side of the stadium.

“Suck it you green skinned fucks! I am made of fucking rings!” He howls, lewdly thrusting his pelvis in their direction.

“Max!” You hear Kaleshi yell, and you catch her as she leaps into your arms.

“Well there you have it folks, the Daemons have just won this year’s Suberb Owl!” The announcer, Keith, sounds ecstatic.

“I love this game!” Madden yells.

Khorne gets the team rounded up and leads you all up onto a massive stage just set up.

Kaleshi is still clinging to you happily, mumbling something about Ork dome babies or something.

"What a game, John, what a game. I haven't seen bloodbowl that good in ten millenia."

"It was a great game of bloodbowl!" Madden agrees.

They are both at a podium on the stage now, Khorne standing near them.

"It's with great honor that I declare the Daemons as this year's champions of the universe and present them with the superb owl!" Keith raises his hand to the sky with Khorne's.

As if on cue, a massive being of unspeakable horror descends into the stadium. It's six heads snap viciously as its nine wings flap to keep it from plummeting straight down. In unison its twelve beaks open and utter a song that would have turned you stark raving mad were you still a mere mortal. It's black feathers ruffle as it finally lands, and Khorne throws one ARM around it.

"Rings for the ring king!" He shouts, as all of you are presented with a ring detailing your victory here today in solid gold.

You snatch up Kaleshi in one arm, get close to Doomrider, and have a team mate snap your pic.

You spot what you are looking for, a Dark Eldar taking photos of the end of game celebration. He seems quite giddy about it, must be a high paying job.

"You with Vect?" You ask as the bulb flashes.

"Well... Yeah, why?" He asks, befuddled.

"Give him this picture and tell him it's from Max Parker, he'll get it." You hand him the camera with the picture of you and Doomrider in it's data disk.

Khorne meanwhile, looks like he's about to almost cry. He motions for you to all stand in front of him.

"This has been... The great- the greatest season, I've ever had the pleasure of coaching." He sniffs, broken up slightly.

"This one's for you guys, you've earned it!" He shouts, raising the cawing Superb Owl over his head in victory.

Suddenly from behind him, two defensive linemen dump the container of 'nidade on him. The frigid orange power drink spilling over his armor, drenching him. It only seems to make him more emotional.

"To the greatest sports franchise of all time!" He shouts once more, and the entire stadium booms it's response.

Kaleshi is cheering along for you even as she leaps up into your arms and delivers a nice kiss. You take notice as the same reporter you handed the camera to snaps a picture. Not that you care.

"WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRIEND!" Doomrider sings, shaking your shoulder lightly and grinning.

"Yeah, we are!" You smile back at him, more glad than ever that you hadn't actually offed him all those days ago.

You heft your hand, and peer at the golden ring on your palm. It's heavy, encrusted with jewels, and read "Dastardly Daemons: Superb Owl Champions" in several colors of gem.

"You'd better get dad off of the stage before he completely loses it..." Kaleshi whispers in your ear. You have to admit, you like the feeling.

"Hey big guy, lets ditch this joint and go celebrate!" You yell up at him, and the rest of the team joins along.

"Hold on, I just want to say something..." The god says, holding up a hand.

"Y-you guys are the b-best..." Oh no, he's starting to break down.

"The greatest guys, I *sob* I've ever had the pleasure of coaching. I just want you to know that. I just..." But he's already lost it, stammering away into the mic, no one understanding more than a word every few yammering moments.

Kaleshi gets you to set her down, and gingerly grasps the overly emotional chaos god by the arm.

"They know you love them dad, lets get you something to eat..." With that, Khorne lets his daughter take him away.

"Hey Max!" She calls over her shoulder.


"We're having an after party at the chaos god's place, I want you there. I'll take dad there, but try to find a way without me, otherwise I'll have to warp back to pick you up."

"Got it."

Well, no time like the present to test out these demonic gifts while you have them.

"Mr. Decarus, Mr. Decarus!" A reporter calls out to you, shoving a mic in front of you.

"What is it you plan on doing now that you've won the Superb Owl?"

Hmm, you think on that for a moment...

"I'm taking that khornette to DISNEYLAND!" You shout, before firing up your mind powers.

With an audible SNAP CRACKLE POP, MOTHERFUCKER! You open up a warp hole and step on through.

A plane almost takes off your head as it comes in for a landing.

"Watch it!" You hear someone yell from inside. Two pantsless girls buzz over your head and, feeling it's best you leave, you try it again...

The Emperor looks up from his position atop the "golden throne" as it were, from behind his copy of the latest "Surfing 'round the Galaxy".


"Right, sorry!"

You try it again, and this time you see Kaleshi upon stepping out.

"Finally, I was beginning to think that wouldn't work..."

"Heh, took you long enough." She smiles at you, before taking your hand and leading you into the main room.

"Hey! My man!" Nurgle yells, setting aside a massive leg of meat he'd just about taken a bite out of.

"Err... Hey Nurgle..."

"Oh man, you're a daemon prince now?" Slaanesh looks as though it can barely contain itself, "Excuse me, I've got to use the little gods room..."


"I was totally rooting for you bro! That shit was based as fuck!" Nurgle pounds the table, grinning excitedly.

"Oh, you need the bathroom Slaanesh? Huh? Well, yeah I guess there's plenty of tissue paper, why?" You hear the booming voice of the Emperor as he walks out of the bathroom.

Well, at least that second teleport got you close.

"Hey Ma... Dude what the fuck did you do?!" He asks, obviously quite shocked by your new appearance.

"Yeah, perils of the warp and whatnot. Think your girlfriend can change me back?"

"Uhh... I hope so man, I hope so."

"Great! Can we have her do that now? Please?"

"Well, she's not going to be here for a while... Mumbled something about Creed messing with her plans or something, man." He rubs the back of his head.

"Well, I guess you're just stuck like this for a while, then." Kaleshi smiles, and you can tell she's not complaining about it.

"Hey, where's your dad?" You ask her.

"Huh? Oh, still having a mental breakdown in his room. Keeps stammering 19-0 between fits of crying and laughter."

"Oh, rough..." You don't want to know any more. Watching a grown god cry is painful.

"Yeah man, lets get some chow already, I'm starving!" The Emperor takes a seat at the table. You and Kaleshi follow suit.

"Hey, Max! Before I forget, don't leave without opening the gift I made you." Nurgle says, leaning over the table to make sure you heard him.

"Err... Will do." Fuck, you aren't sure what a gift from Nurgle entails. You are pretty sure you don't want to open it though.

As nervous as the gift thing makes you, you can't deny the fact that you are downright starving. With the appetite befitting a daemon prince, you dig in to the spread laid out before you.

Slaanesh finally comes back from the bathroom a good half hour later, covered in sweat and stinking of sex. That thought is deeply disturbing.

It must not bother you too badly, because you keep stuffing your face. Kaleshi seems to like watching you, as though it were some kind of base instinct of hers. She greedily scoops up more food and drops it onto your plate, and you keep consuming.

In fact, it seems to have made her quite... Eager? You can feel her nails digging into your leg and one of her fangs is biting into her lower lip as she watches you eat.

"Uhh, something wrong?" You finally ask.

"What?! No, nothing. I just like watching you being a manly man, daemon, is all." She coos, her fingers walking toward your...

"Hey! What are you doing?!?" You ask with your eyes.

"Oh shut up, you know you like it." Hers respond as she smirks.

"Tadaimaaaa!!!!" Tzeentch yells as she boots open the door. Though upon seeing you, her expression darkens.

"Oh, hiya Tzeentch!" You smile and call out to her.

"Erk... Hi." She waves back halfheartedly.

"Hey babe, sit down and grab some chow!" The Emperor gestures to the seat next to him.

Her eyes sparkle at seeing him, and you can tell plain as day that there is a ton of affection behind them. That's nice, to see that. You are pretty happy the Emps found himself somebody to love. Ohhh don't you want somebody to loooooovveeee.

Well, you might get that wish. Kaleshi's hand seems to have found a way inside your codpiece. She rests her head on her hand, a smile on her face, as she looks like she's following along with the conversation between Nurgle, the Emperor, and Tzeentch. Slaanesh however, has it's eyes locked right with yours. It winks, as though knowing exactly what's going on under the table.

"H-hey, Kaleshi! Can we wait until later? Now's probably a bad time..." But you trail off upon noticing her other arm is picking up a glass of water.


"Oh hell no!" You stand up, shoving yourself away from the table. Slaanesh's noodle-like extendable arm flopping out of your armor as it drops your junk.

"Haha, that's our Slaanesh!" Nurlge laughs, nudging the other god.

You feel like you could use a shower...

You stand up, and walk over to the god-godess, thing of pleasure.

"Hey, I like that." You whisper in it's ear.

"Oh do you? Well, I'm built for pleasure baby. Lets go rock the casbah."

"I'm going to rock YOUR casbah, you slut."

"My thirty dicks are rock hard."

You grin.

"So are mine."

"Oh god, I'm going to cum from all this frotting!" You can't stop your hips, they are moving on their own now.

"Max you sexy fucking beast, give me all the chocolate!" You oblige and drop the load out of your rear hatch.

"Hey guys, its vore time!" The horrible maw of Ra'alman bursts through the floor, and before either of you can react, it swallows you whole.

"Oh gods, these tentacles feel soo goooooddddd.... HNGGGGGG!!!!" Slaanesh is busy ejaculating copious amounts, fertilizing the plethora of eggs before it.

"Oh Ra'alman, getting started without me, you tease." Lycheria clucks her tongue as she steps into view.

She looks you up and down, frowning.

"Now this simply won't do! I need an anus AND a vagoo to rape!" She purrs, as she watches you start to transform before her very eyes.

"Oh noooo!!!!" But you can't do anything as tentacles invade your freshly appeared female orifices.

"H-hey Nurgle..." You try to guide the conversation away from the fact that you just got manhandled by a god, "You mentioned something about a gift? Lets do that before we both forget."

Nurlge belches into his fist as he shakes his head.

"Yeah, probably a good idea. Hey Isha, you mind grabbing it for me?" He asks the very quiet Eldar goddess seated next to him. So quiet and timid looking you didn't even notice her siting there until now.

The goddess smiles, giving her big hubby a peck on the cheek as she gets out of her chair. Nurgle turns as much as he can to watch her, and you get the feeling the big guy is still head over heels for her.

When she returns, it's with a big box maybe six feet in length. That immediately sparks your interest, as you'd thought it would be something small. Perhaps seeping puss, but maybe you aren't giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Isha sets the package before you, and you stare at the green-papered box with a pink bow on it. Suddenly and perhaps rightly nervous about opening it.

Too late now though, Nurlge presses close, grinning with anticipation as he watches you.

With a final gulp, and quite unsteady fingers, you undo the ribbon...

Unwrap the paper...

Open the box and...!

Oh, well that certainly wasn't so bad.

You look down at a sword, though you can tell by its faint green aura that it isn't just any sword.

"Go on, pick it up!" He urges you, a wide grin on his face. Well, it doesn’t APPEAR to be dangerous. Though admittedly, it could eat your soul or something the second you so much as touch it.

Finally you oblige him, you would feel too bad if you left the poor guy hanging. It looks like he’s put a lot of effort into it. Your hands wrap around the cool leather handle of the blade, and you pull it from the box. It’s heavy, and quite long, but it still feels well balanced.

“Took me quite a while to forge that.” Nurlge smiles and points at the sword.

“I can tell, it’s quality is superb.” You marvel. Despite not knowing that much about blades, even you can feel the quality.

“It is! Not only that, but I’ve blessed it too!” The fat green god looks quite satisfied with himself.

“He means he sat on it…” Tzeentch whispers in your ear.


“Yes, it’s quite a blade. One cut from that, even one not mortal, will deliver a toxin so foul it can bring even the most stalwart of creatures to the brink of death.” Nurgle continues on and on about its craftsmanship as you listen.

“Wow, that IS quite a sword.” Kaleshi’s eyebrows raise as you hand it to her, and she expertly hefts it, standing up and giving it a few swings.

Nurgle’s usually joyous voice suddenly takes a much more serious tone.

“I’m giving that to you for one reason, Max. I’m sure you know by now, but Malal is on the rise and threatens everything we’ve been striving for now. He doesn’t want this peace, bad for him, you see. He’s going to come for you, and when he does, it’s going to take everything you’ve got to fend him off.”

The other chaos gods look quite a bit more solemn now, even Khorne who’s just rejoined you all. He sits down, nodding his head.

“Nurgle’s right. Malal knows you’re the champion of this whole unification effort, he isn’t stupid. If he cuts you out of this equation, there is a good chance this whole plan will fall apart. Right, Tzeentch?”

The raven goddess nods solemnly.

“Don’t worry though, dude.” The Emperor smiles, trying to lighten the mood, “We’re going to do our best to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

You smile around the table, suddenly more glad than ever to have so many good friends. Though it does still feel a bit strange to be friends with chaos gods…

“He’s right, I’ll fight the bastard off personally if I have to.” Kaleshi grins at you.

“You guys… I just… Thanks.” You finally beam at them. A long, drawn out silence almost begins.

“Not letting that happen, it’s penis time!” Slaanesh flops down a tangle of wangs on the table, and everyone breaks and starts to run off. You taking Kaleshi by the hand as she cracks up.

Only the Emperor stops suddenly, falling to a knee and putting a hand to his chest.

"What's wrong, dea... Oh. I feel it too." Tzeentch suddenly stops, her already pale face becoming all the more white.

"Guys? Uhh..." You look around, all of the deities seemingly frozen in place.

"What is it?" You blurt out.

"Him." The Emperor blinks rapidly, rubbing his head as though in disbelief.


The Emperor shakes his head slowly, as though still uncertain. As though he wants to be wrong.

“I don’t believe it, I can’t believe it.” He mumbles.

“This isn’t good, we can be certain of that.” Khorne agrees.

“N-not as planned…” Tzeentch sinks down to join the Emperor.

“Kind of a turn-off.” Slaanesh leans back in its chair, looking a bit dazed.

“I don’t know how he did it…” Nurgle is just sitting there, shaking his head.

“Did what?! Who or what are you all talking about!? What’s going on?!!?!”

The Emperor looks back up at you solemnly, grimly.

“Horus.” He finally says, “Horus is alive again, somehow.”

Your blood runs cold. You swallow, hard.

“That can’t be right, he’s dead, we all know that. He’s dead and Abbadon destroyed any remnants of the body!”

“Did he, now… Interesting. It doesn’t appear to have mattered, though.” An icy voice from behind you, and judging from the gazes of everyone in the room, you really wish it was all just a bad dream.

“Hello, father.” Horus sneers, practically spitting the words, resting his hand on his sword as the point sinks slightly into the floor.

You remain frozen in the spot you stand. Everyone does.

“Well, don’t all rush to greet me at once… Poor old Horus, dead Horus, rises from the grave and you’ve nothing to say? Especially you!” He gestures with the hilt of his sword toward the Emperor.

The golden-armored god-emperor of mankind rises from his position, his face hard and his eyes steel. When he talks, it unlike anything you’ve heard him sound like.

“You’re no son of mine, Horus. You lost that privilege, you lost it long ago. I don’t know what you’re doing here, or why. I don’t care, it matters not. Leave now, and I’ll be merciful enough to end you again quietly, I’ll give you a warrior’s death. A rite you certainly don’t deserve. But…” He unsheathes his own flaming sword, holding it at the low ready.

“If you don’t go, and now, I’ll end you here. I’ll end you here and all will bear witness to your death. Tales will be told and songs sung of the second end of the once mighty and beloved Horus. They will speak of your pathetic downfall at the point of my blade, how you were put down once more, only with a whimper in place of a roar.”

Horus glowers as the Emperor speaks, his face, already grotesque, stretching to a sneering glare. With a low guttural growl, Horus hefts his blade.

“We shall see then, Father, who it is between us that deserves this universe. For you see, I fight with the power of Malal now.” He grins a wicked smile, tapping at the fresh two-tone skull’s emblazoned on his armor.

“It matters not with whom you align, your demise will be just the same.”

Horus glares.

“Have at you than, bastard.”

You roll out of the way just in time, Horus’s blade coming within millimeters of you. The Emperor’s own sword flashes out and crashes against the tainted edge of the lost Primarch’s.

“Surprise, motherfucker!” You howl, as you swing your own sword and enter the fray. Horus, looking quite bored, knocks your attack away.

“Damn it, Max! Now isn’t the time for that!” The Emperor yells as he parries a downward blow.

“Don’t you think I know that?! Don’t act like I know what I’m doing! I don’t! EVER!”

You swing again, your sword almost getting knocked out of your hands as Horus blocks it easily. Frustrated, you swing again and again and again. Despite your flurry of attacks, Horus hardly seems to take notice of you as he duels the Emperor.

“Grrr… Take this!” You shout, as you thrust with all of your might.

Only Horus catches your blade with his clawed fist, daemonic energy crackling as he does.

“Brave, but foolish.”

Your eyes fly wide open as you feel the tip of his sword sink into your chest, right through your armor as though it hadn’t been there in the first place. It keeps going, and you can feel the cold metal inside your guts as it pierces deeper and deeper, until it bursts from your back. With one ragged gasp, you crumple to the floor as Horus withdraws his sword.

As you stumble backwards, you notice, despite yourself, that your body is phasing back into its human form. That doesn’t seem to stop the bleeding, though.

“F-fuck…?” You stumble backwards, clutching at the wound as your heart continues to pump, forcing blood out of your punctured body in waves.

The Emperor and Horus are locked now, blade to blade, each pressing against the other with all of their might.

You do the only thing you can think of. Activate your plasma cannon.

The blast catches Horus by surprise, and despite not inuring him, it forces him to fall back. The Emperor seizes the opportunity, lashing out with his sword. Horus blocks it again, but realizes too late he’s left himself open.

“DIE!” Kaleshi rages, swinging her chainaxe as fast as she can at Horus’s exposed back. You don’t think you’ve ever seen her so furious.

“Tch!” Horus suddenly warps out of the path of the blade, and it appears out of the area entirely.

“Max!” Screams Kaleshi, though you can only hear her. Your vision is growing dark quickly, though you manage to make out some kind of black liquid forcing itself inside of your wound, the same black liquid you’d noticed was coating Horus’s blade.

“Hello… Max…” Something hisses in your mind.

“Who are you?” You ask the entity.

“Oh? You don’t know who I am? I’m the hate burning inside your mind, boy. The malice that fills you like a chalice. I am Malal.”

“Don’t get used to this, you blathering fool. You aren’t taking up permanent residence here.” Another voice, also familiar.

“Tzeentch? Sister, what a pleasant surprise!”

“It’s no surprise, mind games are my territory. And I’m no sister of yours.”

“Ever the hostile one, aren’t you. You always were, though. All of you were. But now… Now it’s my time, it’s Malal’s time!” The other voice again, sounding as though it’s sanity is beginning to slip.

“Even if that were true, it certainly won’t be here. You are leaving this human, like it or not.”

“HAH! You know the struggle would tear this mortal asunder!”

“I do…” The raven goddess’s calculated response, “Which is why I propose a counter-offer.”

“Which would be?” Malal hisses stiffly.

“A game. If I win, you leave his mind.”

“Hmph, how dull. If I should win? What then, is my prize? Aside from this mortal, whom I already own?”

“Pick your prize, I know not what a wretch such as you desires.”

Malal thinks it over, though you can only guess that because you can’t see anything as this is all taking place in your own mind. Somehow.

“I know, I know… If I win, I get your child!”

The raven goddess stiffens, clearly not having expected this. “…Fine.” She finally mutters, though you can tell it truly isn’t something she wishes to wager.

“Well, now that we have that inconvenience out of the way. What game do you propose?”

"Pah, as though you had to even ask. We play the game we gods always play."

"Oh, you mean controlling fleshy pawns around on a battlefield until one of us beats the other?"

"Tabletop, exactly."

"Very well, Tzeentch, I accept your terms."

"Heeeyyyy Grey Knights!" An unknown female inquisitor peeks her head around the corner.

Brother Captain Ulner stares at her, having never seen her on the ship before.

"Inquisitor?" He finally asks.

"Yeah, there's some crazy amounts of daemons and heresy going on right now."

"Daemons AND Heresy? Where? Now?" He's excited by the prospect.

"Planetside, right now." The inquisitor smiles...

"Fuck you and your broken assed army you cheating fuck!" Malal howls as he watches the last of his troops being wiped up.

"Feh, too predictable, I knew you'd go with a daemon heavy army."

"You underhanded bitch!"

"Heh. Just as planned."

Tzeentch had been waiting to try that out, and it had worked perfectly.

You come to, waking up on a soft bed. Though your head feels like it's on fire, you reach down and notice the wound in your chest is gone. Something has also removed your power armor.

There is also something warm and wet dropping onto your bare chest.

"H-huh...?" You inquire drowsily, reaching around.


Something incredibly warm flings itself around you, forcing you back down onto the bed.


The khornette buries herself deeper into your neck, sobbing now. You can feel her entire body trembling.

"Hey... Its-Its all right..." You reach up and put your arms around her.

"I thought you were a goner!" She wails, and you can feel the very hot stream of tears flowing off of you and soaking the pillow.

"As though I could possibly die..." You manage a weak smile.

"Don't ever do that again, do you hear me!" She suddenly pulls away and shakes you a little, before collapsing again and continuing to cry.

Eventually she finally calms down, and you stroke her hair as she starts to fall asleep.

"You'd better not die, I don't want to have you stuck in the warp all of the time. I'd like to be able to do other stuff." She snuggles into your side.

"I won't die, I promise."

"...I'll hold you to that." She says.

You fall asleep in each others arms.

Frederick almost cant contain himself, nearly fidgeting in his seat. This has got to be the greatest moment of his entire life, no, he knows it is. In fact, he would throw away EVERYTHING for just this moment.

Despite the movie going; projector flashing images of the glorious Partridges as they heroically battle Horus and his army of evil, the speakers dropping a sick battle beat, Frederick can only concentrate on one thing.

Helena's hand rests on the arm of her seat, and she at least looks like she's watching intently. Though really, Helena is wondering when this gearhead is going to cowboy up and make some kind of move.

Her question is answered when she feels something brush, then ultimately rest on top of her hand. Looking over, she can see Frederick's bright level of "holy shit I did it, wow!" red even in the dim lit theater.

Helena smiles, without letting him see it.

"YES!" The glory bells of victory are playing in her head.

"He finally did something! Thank you Emprah!"

Frederick can barely keep his cool. It takes almost all of his concentration to prevent his mechanical arms from whipping around in some kind of bizarre robotic victory dance.

"Keep it cool, man! Don't make it seem like this is..." But he can't even finish his inner monologue.

Helena, gracious at his final advances, has intertwined his fingers in her own.

Frederick looks over at her, feeling as though his hear has stopped, as she looks at him. A small, but pronounced smile on her luscious lips.

The smile is all Helena can manage, her own heart beating at a million miles an hour. Sure she's fooled around with Sarah plenty of times... But somehow, this feels different. So exciting and real.

With her fingers, Helena can feel Frederick shaking.

"Hey, you uh... Alright, mekboy?"

"Huh?! Oh yes, I'm quite all right, really!" He exclaims, nearly jumping out of his chair from excitement.

Frederick can feel his hearts hammering in his chest. Even his mechanical one seems to be ecstatic.

Partridges defeat Horus, declared the saviors of human kind. Roll credits.

"Hey, you um..." Helena bites her lip, looking over at Frederick.

"Want to go grab some food?" She asks.

"What? Oh, of coarse, yes lets!" He exclaims, jumping up.

He stops in his tracks.

"D-don't let go of my hand..." Helena asks, averting her eyes and blushing furiously despite herself.

"HNNGGGGGGG...." Frederick turns away, feeling his mechanical heart stop.

"Ah! Are you all right!?"

"Fine... Fine..." He manages. In truth, both his hearts could cease right now and he would die the happiest tech-priest in the universe.

Hand-in-hand, the couple walk out of the theater. Frederick incredibly glad he did this, and Helena shocked but happy at her onrush of feeling. She smiles as she lets him lead her by the hand. Closing her eyes, she suddenly feels like she doesn't have a care in the world.

"Well... Except for that dumb brother of mine... When is he going to write? Honestly..." She thinks to herself, before forgetting her troubles and laughing as Frederick helps her onto the bike.

"AND SO, THATS WHEN HE THROWS THE BALL, AND GET THIS." Doomrider grins, taking a sip of the glass as all three hundred daemonettes press in close, wanting to hear him finish the story.


He cackles madly at the fleshy wave of flesh pressing in on him from all sides. This is going to be an enjoyable night.

A very enjoyable night.


With that, he succombs to the tidal wave force of what is now a million wet and incredibly worked up daemonettes of all shapes, colors, and sizes.

...In the end, he pleasures them all within the night.

"AHHHH!!!" Doomrider exclaims, wiping his nose off the following morning, "NOTHING LIKE THE FIRST LINE OF MORNING COCAINE!"

"Hey Doomrider! Get back here, we're ready for round five hundred!" The daemonettes exclaim.


"Awwwwwww...." They pout.

"AWW WHO AM I KIDDING, GET ON MY TWELVE DICKS!" With that, he jumps back into the pile.

Vect sighs as he leans back in his chair, looking around his rather plush office.

Yeah, this is the big life.

"I'm pretty god damn baller." He grins, chomping on his cigar as he kicks his feet up.

"Sir!" An intrusion bursts through his door.

"Fucking hell Parker, you'd better have one assload of a scoop to be barging in on me like that! Can't you see I'm taking it easy?"

"Err... Its Steve, sir..."

"Whatever, what have you got for me Parker?"

The Dark Eldar reporter sighs, this is the tenth time he's given Vect a story and not once has the guy remembered his name...

"Well sir, I got you a story on the big game."

"Oh! The superb owl? Daemons won it this year... Great game, you made one hell of a toss there Parker."

"...That wasn't me, sir..."

"Whatever, show me what you've got."

The reporter sets down a printed page, a rough draft, of what he's been working on.

On the front, a picture of the stand in quarterback with Khorne's daughter in his arms and Doomrider right beside him.

"Shit!" Vect exclaims, tossing the article aside.

"...What? Sir..."

"Pure shit, it's garbage, its aweful. I'll give you three slave girls and nine souls for it."

"Well, that's a pretty generou..."

"Just nod, say thank you, and get the fuck out of my office."

"Thank you sir!"

Vect sighs. Parker has been pretty damn annoying recently, even if he is superb owl champion.


Kais bites his lip as he watches the screen. It was a case of incredible intuition that he'd planted a small, hidden camera at the edge of the hot springs.

That intuition was paying off tenfold now.

"The battle begins at last." He groans as he faptau's.

Thirty sisters of battle.


They giggle as they wash themselves off, having long ago ditched their armor at the beach leading to the spring. He'd already had one greater good watching that, and he felt another one building up.

"Ah! Hey, watch it!" One exclaims as another grabs her by the breasts from behind, working them around in rough circles.

"Oh don't watch it. Work those, work those HARD." He grunts, his massive muscled arm pumping furiously. "Mmm I see what your plan is..."

Wow, now they are rubbing against one another, soap alleviating some of the friction. He can't handle all of this, its simply too much.

"It's come to this, has it?" His arm working furiously.

The girls are kissing now. Why are they kissing?! He can't handle this, he knows he can't handle this!!!!


He coats an entire wall in his genetic material. Too bad there aren't any hot female kroot here to lick it up, he thinks faintly.

"Carry on...without me..." He finally moans, before sinking to the ground, utterly satisfied.


"...It was a triumph..."

Mika pauses her work, flipping up her goggles and peering at SLaDOS.

"Are we really doing this?"


Mika sighs.

"Fine, but just this once..."

"I'm making a note here, huge success." SLaDOS starts singing again happily.

"It's hard to overstate my satisfaction." Mika sings, her voice echoing sweetly through the chamber.

SLaDOS is happy, it finally gets to have it's musical number.

"Imperial Science... We do what we must... because we can." The robotic guardian of the fortress sings.

"For the good of all of us. Except the ones who are dead." Mika sings, setting aside her wrench and starting a cute little dance. She blushes, glad Max isn't here to see her sillyness...

"But there's no sense crying over every mistake." SLaDOS continues, keeping the beat.

"You just keep on trying till you run out of cake." Mika sings along, starting to get into it, a big smile on her face.

"And the Science gets done."

"And you make a neat gun." Mika sings, hitting the right notes and feeling downright pleased with herself.

"For the people who are still alive." The two sing in tandem.

"I'm not even angry." Mika sings quietly, looking up with the tops of her eyes and pretending to kick at the ground slightly.

"I'm being so sincere right now." SLaDOS chimes, so very pleased to finally be doing this.

SLaDOS bursts into a solo. "Even though you broke my heart." "And killed me." "And tore me to pieces." "And threw every piece into a fire." "As they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you!"

"Now these points of data make a beautiful line." "And we're out of beta." "We're releasing on time." Mika takes a step forward at every punctuated note, still smiling up at SLaDOS as she does.

They finish the rest of the song, their crazy scientist duet. SLaDOS incredibly satisfied to have it's musical number out of the way, though it wants another one badly. Mika hoping she looked cute, though too embarrassed to do anything like that for Max.


I sit and watch it unfold before me.

Unbelievable really, as though all of my dreams were finally coming true.

The piece comes down, tantalizingly brushing against my sides. I feel it as Max secures the piece into place.

I look over myself now, and feel elated. Lo, I am become Tricorne, terror of the seas.

...The adventure plays out, and I must admit, despite my fibers being quite ruffled more than once, I feel elated. This is what adventure was meant to be.

Not only that, but the seductive promise of perhaps another cleaning always lurks on the horizon with these two. I watch the now browned Dark Eldar twins as they wake up in the bedroom.

Well... Max certainly is having a fun time... Wow! That looks like a really difficult position!

The twins are laying on top of each other, breasts pressed against the others. Max is busy hammering himself out of one and into the other, changing between the two with each thrust.

After several drawn out hours, they finally stop.

Well, only after Max coats them both with an extreme amount of white fluid... It fills their mouths and coats their faces and hair, dripping down in long strands to rest on their exposed breasts.

I go to sleep as the lights turn out...

Until I'm awakened.

"Hat-chan!" Senna says, in a mock scolding tone as she looks me over, hands resting on her hips.

"How did you get so filthy again?!" She asks, mouth comically agape.

Oh yesss.... I bristle, my brim is ready.

"You know him, he just wants another cleaning." Senda says smugly, folding her arms as she ponders me with a bemused expression.

"Oh? You dirty little cap you." Senna smiles.

"Well, I guess we probably SHOULD give him a cleaning." Senda sighs, acting exasperated, though I can tell she's faking.

"Ah, fine." Senna sets about, grabbing things from around the room.

I settle in, this is going to be good.

The feeling of fingers pressing soap into me is beyond luxurious, I can feel it from my peak to my lowest creases. The twins work steadily, both of them smiling as they work.

I've been waiting for this to happen again ever since they did it last time. That cleaning... That was beyond good.

"You naughty little hat, you like us cleaning you, don't you?" They purr.

I don't deny it. If I did it would be a lie, and I'm no liar. No sir, I really do like it.

My fabric crumples slightly as Senda forcefully works in some soap, trying to eliminate a dark splotch, some stain from Emprah knows what.

They continue to kneed and rub for what feels like eternity.


I'm in hat heaven...


"T-Tankred endures...?" The old dread mumbles as he sits back up. The bar still crowded around him, he searches around it until he spots what he was looking for.

"Bjorn... BJORN!"

"Heh? What's all this racket?! I'm sleeping!" The Wolf dreadnaught yammers, trying to roll over onto it's other side.

"Bjorn, wake up! We seem to have passed out in the bar." Tankred informs his friend.

"Car? No I don't have a car! How would I even drive it?!"

"BAR! You old drunken fool, BAR!" Tankred groans.

"Why are we in a bar?!" Bjorn grumbles grumpily as he finally rights himself onto his feet.

"Well, old friend, I assume we were drinking." Tankred booms.

"Oh?! Why would you assume that?"

"Look at your front, its covered in sticky dry booze."

"Ah. So it is..."

Bjorn helps Tankred to his feet, both of them standing unsteadily inside the Tortuga bar. Other patrons watch the two dreads nervously, none to thrilled at the prospects of either of them crashing down on top of someone.

"Where are we?" Bjorn asks, looking around.

"Tortuga still, I hope." Tankred mumbles as he looks around.

"Tortuga?" Pipes up a nearby patron.

"No my friend, you aren't in Tortuga." He continues, taking a sip of his drink

Bjorn and Tankred stare at each other for a good long minute.

"Tell me than, annoying little flesh bag, where are we?"

The other patron looks none to thrilled at his new nickname.

"Some ways north of Tortuga, isle of West."

Bjorn clasps his boxy friend on the shoulder... Joint.

"I fear we cannot stop here, this is pirate country."

"Bjorn, my friend, this is all pirate country."

The old wolf dread pauses to think about that for a moment.

"I need another drink..." He says finally.

"Bartender, two of your finest casks of rum!" Tankred booms at the bar, his voice so loud it shakes bottles.

"Oi?! You blokes didn't pay for yer last round! Where's your money eh?!"

Tankred angrily clamps his fist open and then closed in front of the man's face.

"Right here, how much of it do you desire?"

"...Err... Right. Two of the finest, coming right up!"

The dreadnaughts stand at a table, tossing back the rum as they try to get their heads straight.

"Tankred, my friend, I fear we need to find a way back to Tortuga. My brothers are likely wondering where I've wound up."

Tankred nods, which is an odd gesture for a dreadnaught that resembles a jerking bow.

"Indeed, let us adventure forth in pursuit of our friends."

The two dreads stumble bleary-sensored out into the open air. It appears to be about noon, the sun hanging high in the cloudless blue sky.

"Tankred, we are going to need to find some way to Tortuga."

"I know, I know." Tankred replies, thinking hard.

"A boat." He finally says.

"A boat?" Bjorn asks, quite unsure about that.

"Indeed, a boat. We shall sail these wretched seas, eliminating all on our path to booze and twins." Tankred clamps his fist open and closed, staring excitedly out to sea.

"Well... Wait, we are looking for my brothers." Bjorn interjects.

"Fine, fine. Booze, twins, and your brothers." Tankred finally agrees.

The two set out in pursuit of a vessel large enough to hold them, planning to... Borrow... It.

Thread 19[edit]

With a long, drawn out yawn, you roll over.

Light is streaming in from somewhere, though as you are not on Yagis V at the moment, it isn't sunlight. Come to think of it, being in the warp and all, it probably isn't even explainable.

"Finally awake?"

You roll back over, rubbing tiredly at your eyes as you do.

"Not really." You mumble.

"Well go back to sleep, then." Kaleshi smiles, before reaching out and rubbing your back.

"A back rub from the daughter of Khorne. If only mom could see me now."

Kaleshi ignores your joking, concentrating on the book in her hand. She pauses every once and a while to adjust her glasses or turn a page.

Despite everything that happened yesterday, you feel pretty well at ease. Sure Horus reappeared from the dead and stabbed you, and Malal almost took over your mind, but right now that seems a pretty distant worry.

Kaleshi seems to understand that, and doesn't mention any of the previous nights events. You know she was pretty broken up at the sight of you with a hole through your middle, not that you can blame her.

Well, you can worry about all of that later.

Right now, you are going to catch up on some much needed rest. At least for another hour.


"Blah." You roll over, trying to ignore the intrusion.

"Damn it Max, wake up!" Something pinches you on the side, jolting you awake.

"C'mon mom, just another five minutes..." You groan.

"Wake up before I let my beast back in here!" Kaleshi shakes you roughly.

"Alright, alright..." You grumble as you sit up on the khornette's bed. It wasn't apparent to you until now how tired you really are.

"Whats the big rush?" You ask Kaleshi, who appears to have changed and is now standing with her hands on her hips at the side of the bed.

"The Emperor thinks its probably safer for you back on Yagis. Tzeentch doesn't think Horus can appear there... Yet." She bites her lip, looking increasingly worried.

"That old bag of heretical bones? Please, he comes back here and I'll give him the 'ol what for." You lay back down and shut your eyes.

Though when you crack one open slightly, you notice Kaleshi isn't smiling.

"He nearly killed you, and if it weren't for Tzeentch then you wouldn't even have your own mind. So don't joke about that."


You sit back up, and notice despite her best effort to hide it, it doesn't look like Kaleshi got much sleep.

"Well do we have to leave now?" You ask, reaching around still half-asleep as Kaleshi sets your clothes back on the bed.

"We should, I can warp you back to Yagis, but lets get you back into your power armor first."

Despite not entirely ready to be crammed back into that tin can, you relent and let her start suiting you up.

"Can we at least have breakfast before we go?" You ponder out loud.

"Depends, how much does the sound of bloodwaffles appeal to you."

"Very little."

"Well, maybe we can get them to hold the blood."

Though the cook shoots you a rather nasty look at your obviously quite bizarre request, he heads to the kitchen of the Chaos God's dwelling.

"...No blood... Humans..." You hear him grumble as he passes a rather sleepy looking Nurgle and Isha.

"Yo." The big green guy greets you as he takes a seat at the table, where he promptly falls back asleep.

"Oh you..." Isha frowns and shakes her head as she pushes his gaping mouth closed.

Khorne takes a chair, and much like his daughter, he doesn't appear to have slept well. You can guess as to why, as the big guy is still staring down at the massive golden ring, a dreamy smile on his generally terrible visage.

"Hey, where's Emps and his bird babe?" You pipe up, as the cook begrudgingly sets down a plate of bloodless waffles in front of you.

"Oh them?" Nurlge replies, though you think he's still asleep, "Tzeentch is delivering today."

"PPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!" You spit the drink back into its glass, apparently having forgot to ask for orange juice sans blood.

"She what the who now? Didn't she just get knocked up like a weekish ago?"

"Chaos powers man, I ain't gotta explain shit." Nurgle shrugs.

"So they are going to have a baby? Now?!?!"

"You seem pretty shocked, didn't you know she was preggers?" Kaleshi asks between bites of her oozing red-tinged waffles.

"Well yeah, but still!" You are too shocked to add any more, and have completely ignored your waffles now. Likely because they somehow still taste a bit like iron.

"They left a few hours ago, apparently Tzeentch has had a delivery plan for the last several millenia and is finally getting to implement it." Kaleshi appears more interested in her food than at this turn of events.

"Well fuck me..." You sit back in your chair.

So the Emprah is going to have a kid now? With one of the big bad four, no less? You wonder if the majority of the Imperium will even be able to handle that news whenever it is they find out. The return of the Emperor will be one thing, but this news might send some people overboard.

"Ahh... That hit the spot." Kaleshi gives a satisfied sigh, setting her fork down on the plate in front of her, before turning to you.

"Now we had better get you out of here, I promised the big E before he left that I would."

"Got it." You nod, though in truth you don't really feel like leaving too badly. Aside from the whole long-dead primarchs reappearing and stabbing you up part, this place is pretty nice.

Kaleshi doesn't look like she's having any of it though, and stands you up as she notices you still haven't made any effort to move.

"More waffles?" You ask hopefully as she latches onto you.

"Sorry... Stop. Warptime."

The gut wrenching feeling of being flung through the great void is still not something you are used to, despite how often it seems you do it now.

It only takes a split second until you feel your feet on Yagis V's warm red dirt, though. You don't mind, this teleporting business is not exactly your favorite thing.

"Want to chill together for a while?" You ask as you turn to the khornette.

Kaleshi smiles, but closes her eyes and shakes her head.

"I would love to, I really really would, but I can't. Tzeentch told me to snap dad out of it and take him out for some new skulls. We're going to need him when this all gets uglier."

"Yeah, can't have him lying around drooling over his ring all day, can we?"

"Ugh, no. Its bad enough he insists on keeping the superb owl in his room. That thing can screech like none other, no idea how he is going to sleep through that..." Despite the humorous tone, it comes out half-hearted, and you can tell.

You smile at your crazy lovable daemon.

Kaleshi lets out a deep sigh, before resting her head on your breastplate and grabbing you around the middle. You follow suit, and the two of you stay like that for several minutes.

"You'd better not make me wait that long before calling me again." She mumbles into your armor.


"And you'd better not die. It will piss me off if you die."


"And next time..."

You plant your lips to hers, cutting her off. The khornette doesn't protest, though you can tell she's still tense.

"Don't think that gets you off the hook. If you die, I'll kill you." She kisses you again before letting you go and taking a step back.

"Now call me more often, or I'll send my little helper to pick you up again next time."

"Will do." Both of you grin at each other, before with a faint pop, she vanishes back to the warp.

Well, its been quite a while since you last spoke with Mika. You also have been wondering if she can give your arm a once-over to make sure everything is all good under its metal hood.

You dial in her frequency and punch send.

Ringing, ringing....

"A-ah! Max?!"

"Hey Mika! Is that music in the background?" You ask, a bit puzzled.

"Wh-wha? N-no of coarse not! *Shut up SLaDOS!!!!*" You hear her hiss up at the AI.

"Right. I saw you sent me a message? Whats up?" You start walking in the general direction of the Admech bunker, though you are going to need some kind of transport to get there because walking will take all day.

"M-message? Oh! Right, I did!" She squeaks.

"So do you still need help with it?" You ask, but really since you don't have anything better to do, you are going to show up regardless.

"Umm! I-if its not too much trouble..."

"Nah, it will be fun. I'll be there as soon as I can find a ride."


You put the communicator back in its pouch and look around. Surely there is some transportation nearby...

Well, as easy as it would be to just check the abandoned Guard place for something to ride, it wouldn't be nearly fun enough.

No, you want more.

And that is how you find yourself tip-toeing through the Blood Raven's forward outpost. If they spot you, there will likely be hell to pay. Completely worth the risk, because there are some nice vehicles just laying around.

You freeze as a space marine leaves one tent, but he doesn't appear to have seen you before he ducks into another. Close call, too close.

As much as you'd like to poke around a bit more, its probably best you just snag a ride and go.

Well, as much fun as you've been having on a bike recently, your recent all-too-close encounter with that Pariah has you yearning for something with a bit more protection.

And by a bit more, you mean a whole fucking lot more.

Though you admit, it is a bit odd that the Blood Ravens have a tank painted up in the color of the Black Templar. There is probably a story behind that, you guess.

As you climb onto the tank as quietly as you can, you have fleeting doubts about your ability to drive this. After all, you still remember the recent foray into driving a Chimera. You pause on a rung...

"Nah, I'm a pretty good driver." You shake your head, and scale the rest of the tank.

The hatch is open, and large enough to fit you through. Wasting no time, you start to lower yourself down.

"Just what do you think you are doing in that tank, Grey Knight?!"

A voice from behind you calls out. You turn around in time to see the Blood Raven who yelled, and more of them pouring from their tents at the racket.

You quickly drop down into the tank, smack the control panel until it starts, and jam every lever you can see forwards.

The Predator lurches to a start, and slowly begins picking up speed. The turret is rotating slowly counterclockwise, and there are warning klaxons sounding from inside, but you are moving.

"Thanks for the gift, I like it!" You shout back at the charging space marines, who can't keep up, as you stand up in the hatch and raise a mug you found inside the tank in salute, the turret of the tank still rotating. A mug with the symbol of the Ultramarines on it. Huh...

Well, the chapters probably give each other stuff all the time, you guess. Just like this tank, Black Templars must be less stingy than the Ultramarines who just gave them a mug.

As the Predator barrels over a two-foot diameter tree with a metallic groan, you think perhaps it is better to get down inside and drive than stand in the open hatch. Closing it behind you, you lower yourself down into the drivers chair.

If levers were confusing, this is something else entirely.

Knobs, switches, dials, flashing buttons, a joystick, and levers (though less than the Chimera).

If your vast and deep wealth of worldly experience has taught you anything, its this.

Red buttons are always made to be pressed.


So you do. Which seems to initiate some sort of countdown. You thought it said "Destruction sequence initiated." But that's silly. It was probably just some tech jumbo you couldn't decipher over the rumble of the engine.

Well that certainly is strange, you don't worry about it. The tank seems to be headed in the right direction now, so you take the opportunity to go stand on top of it.

The wind in your face feels pretty good, and the tank seems to be going at quite a clip. Already you are getting close to the stronghold and its only been a few minutes.

"One." You hear the cool mechanical voice of the tank declare.

Good maybe that stupid thing is done coun...


You are rocketed upwards and sent spinning as the tank explodes beneath you. Pieces of shrapnel bounce against your armor, and you make it a point to cover your head (and hat) from any jagged metal pieces.

After sailing through the air for what feels like a solid minute, you finally land and bounce hard on your side.

"O-ow..." You groan, looking back to the blazing fireball that moments ago was a tank.

Though you planned on returning it, you can't imagine the Blood Ravens will really care that much. They have a lot of tanks.

Brushing yourself off as best you can, you stand up and assess the damage.

Gear: Seems intact

Body: Ready

Tank: Fucked

Well, two out of three aint bad.

Its well over two miles left to the stronghold, so you test out the speed of the armor as you run. The suit makes it quite easy, and fast. A far cry from your memories of running with a hundred pounds of gear on your back and an angry Sergeant on your heels.

A familiar sight makes you smile. Rex seems to have spotted you, and is now barreling straight in your direction, antenna wagging happily as it barks in its mechanical tone.

"Hey buddy!" You call out as he spins around and starts driving along next to you. You take the opportunity given and hop on, and the baneblade picks up its speed as it heads toward the stronghold.

"Who's a good tank? Whooze ah gewd taaankkk???" You scratch the top of Rex's turret. The left tread stutters and several of the guns move around in response.

The massive mechanical beast quickly eats up the remaining ground, and you leap off as it slams to a halt in front of the massive entryway.

Picking up a large wrench, you give it your best toss and send it a few hundred yards, boosted by your armor's strength. With a *Bark Bark*, Rex chases after it.

"Oneee-chaaannn!!! He's here!!!" A servo skull calls out as you walk in.

"H-here?! A-already?!?! Tell him I'm not ready yet!" You hear Mika yell from behind a closed door.

"Hey Mika! Sorry I got here so quick, you wouldn't believe how fast those Predators can go."

"P-predator? You were driving a Predator?"

"Yeah, a black one. It blew up, though..."

"Don't w-worry about it, I found something way cooler than that!"

The door opens a crack, and you can see Mika looking out of it at you.

"Sup cog-girl."

"H-hi." She replies shyly, and hesitates for a long moment before stepping out.

"Hey, you changed your hair up." You take notice of her hair which is drawn back into a ponytail.

As Mika opens her mouth to reply, she's cut short by a mechanical melody from above.

"~...I'm not even angry.~"

"S-s-SLaDOS! Y-you silly thing you, singing all to y-yourself." Mika stammers, rubbing the back of her head and trying to act natural. Which only comes off as completely forced and unnatural.

"~But we didn't get to finish our song.~" The AI protests from above you.

"Song?" You inquire, "You sing?"

"S-sing?! Ahahaha, n-no I don't sing. Silly S-SLaDOS and her j-jokes..." Mika turns away, trying to play it off.

"~We were just having a duet before you arrived.~" SLaDOS informs you.

"W-we weren't d-doing any such thi-thing!!!" Mika yells up at the quite crazy and perhaps slightly evil AI. You can see the tech-priestess's face is almost glowing red.

"Come on." You inch closer, giving her a knowing look.

"Wh-what?" She backs away a bit.

"Come oonnnn." You don't let her back away from you, matching every step.

"I-I have n-no idea what she's talking about!" Mika stammers, completely flustered and wide eyed. You can tell she's looking for some kind of escape.

"Hey SLaDOS, can't you just play a recording? I'd like to hear it."

"~Of course, retrieving hologram.~"

"W-wait! Wait! I g-give up!" Mika yells, flailing her arms, "Just d-don't play any recording!"

"Another time SLaDOS, I'm just teasing her."

"~Understood.~" The AI sounds a bit deflated.

"Sorry Mika, but I will find some way to make you sing for me now. I don't know when, I don't know how, but it will happen."

"S-so mean..." Mika pouts, but you can spot a faint smile she tries to hide as you laugh.

"Anyways, what is it that you found?" You ask, quite genuinely interested. Whatever has this otherwise quiet and shy tech-priestess worked up must be exciting.

That or it will be really boring for someone like you, who's technical knowledge ends at "hit it until it works."

Mika brightens significantly at your interest, and you almost think she's going to just bust out in song now from how excited she seems.

"Come on, you've g-got to see it!" She starts a fast walk. Not done with your own fun yet, you take her by the hand and give it a squeeze, which causes her to jump with a squeak.

You follow her down through the winding hallways, wondering more and more exactly where it is that she is taking you. It seems you are getting deeper and deeper into the complex. The place is a damn maze, you wonder how she doesn't get lost in here.

Mika seems to know the halls and doors in and out without any trouble, though. Though she may not be a psychic capable of knocking you on your ass, or tough enough to beat you in close combat, you can't help but be impressed. Somehow the little things she does seem more real.

She must have caught you staring, because she turns away, blushing furiously. You can't help but smile.

"Are we almost there?" You ask, after at least ten minutes of walking down the cold tile hallways.

"A-almost..." She nods without making eye contact.

Finally, she stops outside a particularly large and regal looking set of doors. An uncharacteristically wide smile on her face, Mika is practically bursting with joy at the prospect of showing you whatever is through those doors.

"Are y-you ready for me to show you?" She asks.

"I'd let you show me anything."

"I-I... Err... Ah..." Her face is burning and her two mechanical arms cant stop toying with her ponytail.

"L-let me show you, then." She finally blurts it out.

"Huh? You going to strip right here?" You can't help but tease her, her reactions just too much fun.

"W-wh-whaaat?! N-no! I m-meant whats inside h-here!" Her eyes are practically spinning from embarrassment and you could probably cook an egg on her cheeks.

"Alright, I'll get naked too."

"A-ahhh!! G-geez!" She spins around and pushes open the doors. You can't help but grin.


"A box?" You ask finally, after staring hard at the inconspicuous brown box resting on a table in an otherwise deserted room.

"W-well, its whats IN the box that's s-so cool." She grins sheepishly.

Throwing caution to the wind, you reach out and slowly open the box up, peering inside.

The contents are not exactly what you had expected...

"Dildos?" You ask after a long moment in thought.

"N-not just any dildos, s-silly. Dragon d-dildos." Mika smiles, looking down at the floor.


“By the Emprah…” Is all you can say. Really, you can’t utter another word.

“P-pretty cool, isn’t it.” Mika looks into the room from her position beside you, her gaze fixated on what it is she wanted you to see.

“Its… Wow.” You are still more or less speechless.

After all, you’ve never seen one in person. Though then again, most people never will.

A Titan.

Even in its current state of what you can guess is relative disarray and disrepair, it looks nothing short of glorious. They are the stuff of legends. You watched shows about their exploits as a kid. You can’t really believe you are staring one in the face-cockpit-thing.

“It-its only a Warhound.” Mika shrugs, as though this wasn’t the most awesome thing she’d ever seen.

“Still… It’s amazing.” You finally close your jaw after you realize how dry your mouth is.

“It is, but it’s not working.” Mika says, and you can hear a hint of depression in her otherwise sweet voice.

“Really? Can we fix it?” You ask, though really when you think about it, you wouldn’t know the first thing about fixing a Titan.

“I-I’ve been trying.” Mika’s shoulders sag, and she looks fairly downtrodden.

“What’s wrong with it?” You wonder out loud.

“I don’t know, I’ve never worked on a T-titan before.” The tech-priestess sighs, stepping further into the room toward a control panel.

“I’ve been trying for days, but I can’t e-even get it to start. The machine spirit doesn’t seem to like me, I don’t think….” She continues, running her hand over the screen of the terminal.

“Something not liking you other than those gearhead fags? Impossible.” You place your hand on her shoulder and give it a reassuring squeeze.

“Besides, I’m here now, and if I know one thing and one thing alone, its this:”

Mika looks back to you, her face betraying her curiosity.

“Machine sprits love me.” You tell her, giving her a thumbs up and being as serious as you can.

“I… S-somehow I d-don’t think that’s correct…” Mika says quietly as you start looking around the control panel.

“D-don’t touch that one!” She grabs your hand to stop you from flipping a large switch. Your fingers twinge, aching to feel the mechanical click of that thing as you flip it. By the Emprah do you want to flip that switch…

Well, maybe you should defer to her mechanical know-how. She is the expert here, after all.

“So what have you tried so far?” You ask, fingers still itching for that switch…

“E-everything!” Mika sits down on a stool dejectedly looking at the Titan.

“Candles, incense, litanies… I just don’t have the p-proper e-e-e-equipment to try the next r-ritual…” She trails off, itching at her temple.

“Which is?” You aren’t going to let her leave you hanging.

“W-well I know the higher-ups would s-sometimes… S-slap i-it…”

“Huh? You have hands though. Let’s go slap this bitch up!” You stand up, pumping a fist. You are goona slap dis ‘ere Titan, you goon slap her good.

“N-not with their h-hands…” Mika can’t even bear to look at you.

“Huh? OH…” Warhammer 40K: Dawn of Realization

“Y-yeah…” She bites her thumb.

“Well, I can always try that if need be. Really though, somehow I doubt that is going to fix anything. How about we give fixing this bad boy up another go?”

“I-I’m not sure how much more I can try. It d-doesn’t respond to anything.” Mika shrugs.

“Don’t worry baby, I promise we’ll get this thing up and running, or I’m not a Grey Knight.”


“Grey Kniiigghhhtttt~!!!” You sing as you jump down to get closer to the Titan.

Well, if it isn't running, there certainly isn't any harm in you crawling all up ins.

Though you are going to have to ditch your armor first, as you know from your shows that they don't pilot these things in power armor.

"Hey babe?" You call out.

"W-wha?!" Mika drops her wrench, startled perhaps at being called such a thing.

"I need you to help me get naked."

"H-huh?! W-wh-what?!" She stammers, clamping down on the wrench she only just picked back up.

"Its hard to get this power armor off without help, shit is heavy. Mind giving me a hand with it?"

"O-oh. Yeah I'll h-help..."

Its somehow quite enjoyable, letting Mika remove the armor pieces. Though she's a bit hesitant, having never done such a thing before, she quickly gets the hang of it as her knowledge of mechanics takes over.

"The-there!" She smiles, putting your hat back on after it slipped off.

"Thanks! Now tell me how to open the hatch. No wait, I'll figure it out." You turn back and start scaling the ladder leading up to the cockpit.

"B-b-but! You shouldn't go inside it! Y-you aren't trained to drive it!"

You turn back to look down at the tech-priestess, who is worriedly fingering her robes as she stares up at you, wide-eyed.

"Don't worry, that's never stopped me before." You smile as you find some kind of toggle for the cockpit, which hisses open.

"T-t-t-thats exactly why I'm w-worried!" She stammers, before starting up the ladder after you.

You sink down into the main Moderataii seat, the Princeps seat, if you recall anything from your Imperial Titan dramas.

The sight before you is daunting. Controls. Controls everywhere.

But hey, you've watched a lot of shit, how hard can this be? Hell, its like you've already driven one yourself. Practically.

"Hey, you got any idea how to drive this thing?"

"W-well, not really..." Mika laments as she climbs into the seat behind you.

"But you should put this on." She slips a band around your head.

"Not that its going to matter, though, i-its probably not going to do anything..." She sighs.

"I can kind of control it with my mind, right?" You ask, though the entire Titan remains lifeless.

"Y-yeah, well, I think?" She looks just as lost as you are, really.

"Any idea what might start this bad boy up?" You turn around in your seat to face her.

"W-well, no. Like I said, I've tried e-everything." She looks disappointed at her own failure.

"Hmmm..." You rub your chin, deep in thought, before an idea strikes you.

Gently you place your hands on Mika's head, keeping her from retreating, as you look her in the eyes.

"M-Max, wh-what are you..."

You kiss her.

A long one, not letting her go. For a second it seems like she wants to retreat, or at least panic, but you don't allow her to. Soon her own hands come to rest on your arms.

With a terrible screeching groan, the reactor ignites.

Finally you let her break the kiss, and she pulls back slightly.

"H-how did you... How did you know th-that would work?" She asks, clearly in awe.

"Huh? I didn't, I just wanted to do that." You smile.

As you do, the vulcan mega bolter lets loose a volley that shreds a wall of boxes lining a far wall.

"And I should probably check myself before I wreck myself..."

"E-easy!" Mika yells as the Titan takes two steps backwards, wavering precariously as though about to trip. Which it likely is about to do.

"Relax, I've got this shit all under control." You look back and grin at her, which ignites the plasma blastgun, resulting in a massive charred section of wall and one very shaken up tech-priestess.

"O-oh no! S-SLaDOS is going to k-kill me for this!" She cries as the warhound shuffles to the right, leaning heavily into a massive steel girder.


Perhaps you don't really have this thing under control...

Which is a sentiment cemented in your mind as the Titan takes two steps forwards, whirls around, and starts heading right at a massive pit in the floor about two hundred yards away.

"Oh shiiittttttt!!!!" You try to will this thing to turn around, which only puzzles the Titan into discharging another salvo of vulcan rounds into a nearby lemon russ hull, which is shredded by the heavy rounds.

"Max! Stop walking!" Mika pleads, grabbing you by the shoulders as she watches out the view screen in horror.

Rather than stopping, the Titan makes a hard left, which thankfully avoids the pit anyways.

"Why the fuck is there even a FUCKING PIT in here?" You shout as you struggle to control the beast, which you aren't really succeeding at.

"Mmmmmmmmm.....!" Mika seems glued to the screen as the Titan fumbles along, barely staying on its feet.

Shit, you've got to at least get it together enough to not fall flat on your face.

Concentrating as hard as you can, you focus on the legs. After several teetering moments, they slow to a stop. You let out a huge sigh of relief.

"See?" You turn to Mika with a grin.

"Piece of cake."

A distant rumble, and the entire complex seems to shake. Lights flicker on and off, causing both of you to pause.

"What was that?" You ask, looking around, wondering if you did something.

"I don't know..." Mika whispers.

"~We have a slight problem.~" SLaDOS's melodic tone rings through the cockpit.

"Problem? Nah, I think I've finally gotten the hang of her." You tell the image of SLaDOS on the communication screen, giving her a thumbs-up.

Which triggers yet another vulcan burst.

"~That may be, but we still have a slight problem.~" SLaDOS replies.

"W-what's wrong?!" Mika asks, a bit more panicked than you would expect. Its probably just some stupid issue, earthquake or something.

"~Well, a Chaos Reaver attacking the base, to be precise.~"

"Wha-what?!" Mika screams, gripping your shoulders even harder.

"Shit! How do I get this thing outside?!" You ask the AI.

In response, a massive door opens up to your right. Well, that should work.

Though it takes every ounce of concentration you can muster, you get the Titan moving. Left foot, right foot, left foot...

"Let me out!" Mika shouts, giving you a shake.

"Huh? Why? We're safe in here, I've got this." You try to reassure her.

"T-thats not it! There's a Vanquisher here, I'll give you and Rex some support!" She has a look of fire about her, and you can tell she's not lying. She did mention being able to drive a tank.

"Got it, give me some cover." You pop open the hatch and Mika scrambles out.

Sure enough, she sprints over to a large tarp, which when she rips off reveals the special Lemon Russ underneath. It doesn't take her long to hop in, followed by several servo skulls you assume will help her crew it.

"Alright, are you ready?" You ask through the comm.

"R-ready. Just don't do anything st-stupid." Mika replies.

"Yeah, stupid, right. Like try to go titan-to-titan against a larger mech with an actual crew..." You whisper to yourself.

Well, here goes nothing. You lug the beast up the ramp and into the sunlight.

The Reaver gleams in the light, it's black paint contrasting harshly against its white accents.

"Hello, Max." Abbadon's voice rings out in your cockpit over the speakers.

"Get fucked." You scowl.

"Well well, certainly no way to talk to such an old friend." The warmaster laughs, and you can surmise he's inside that Reaver right now.

"A soon to be dead one, eat this!" You concentrate power to your right arm, which activates the blastgun. The bolt misses wide left, however.

A retaliatory shot hits your Titan in lower torso, and warnings ring out through your cockpit. You aren't going to win a straight up slugging match, you are going to need something more.

"Mika, don't freak out, but I have a plan."

"P-plan?!" She sounds quite unsure.

You activate the left arm, trying to access its fist rather than the Vulcan bolter. It seems to have worked, because you hold the closed fist up to the cockpit.

"Simple, we are going to combine."

"Wha...!?" You don't give her time to finish as you snatch up the tank and hold it in your Titans fist.

"M-Max, p-p-put me down!"

Too late now, you slam the russ down onto the top of the warhound.

... "Master Abbadon... What am I looking at here?" "I'm not sure." ...

"M...Max..." Mika starts.

"Gattai!!!" You shout, pumping all of your mind powers into the Titan. Sure enough, it begins.

Massive powerfists replace the guns, which become shoulder mounted. Mika's tank becomes the head, and you can feel her own unique power flowing into the new machine.

  • Arf* Rex barks, shooting at you. You catch the shot, and stick it onto the front of Mika's tank.

Rex had fired a large pair of shades at you.

Striking a tough looking pose, you gesture out with your new and improved Titan. Even Mika seems taken aback by how badass it looks, you can tell from her boggled ahhs and ooos.

"Impressive, but just who the hell do you think I am?!" Abbadon yells as he sends his Titan forwards.

"That's my line!!!" You shout back, leaping forwards yourself.

The fists collide, sparks flying and a terrible grinding noise ensue. In a contest of pure strength his Reaver wins out.

Good thing you have Eldar mind spiral powers.

Channeling everything you've got, you push the power into the fist. A groan as metal struggles against metal, both Titans vibrating from the energy.

"Mika put all of your spirit into the fist!"


"Just do it!!!"

The boost is enough to give your Titan the edge, and slowly you force the Reavers arm back.

"Impossible!" Abbadon yells as he's left with no choice but to step back.

"Hah! Suck it you jackass!" You lash out and strike the Reavers in the groin. Unfortunately it doesn't have any of the effects you had desired.

"Look out!" Mika yells, and you have to juke to avoid a blast from the Reavers main gun.

"As if I was so weak! Now take this!" The Reaver steps in and delivers a hard blow to your Titans chest.

You try to bring the blastgun to bare, but can't get the angle right. Both Titans now locked in a grappling struggle to level a weapon.

"Rex do it!"

A resounding torrent of noise as the baneblade opens up into the back of the Reaver. Though it may not have a ton of effect, it serves as a good distraction.

"Mika, let's do it!"


"Attack, not THAT! Now let's go!"

Fist crackling from pent up energy, you cock back and let fly.

The blow catches Abbadon's Reaver right in its god damn face, knocking it stumbling backwards from the impact.

Wasting no time, you activate the vulcan bolter and start cracking off rounds. The heavy projectiles trace a line across the Chaos Titan, explosions pluming from it's frontal armor.

"Keep shooting!" Mika yells as she watches the effects of the salvo.

Well, a gentlemen always does his best to please a lady.

You let loose with the blastgun, the massive burst of plasma tearing into the Reaver's arm as its crew tries to maneuver it out of the line of fire.

"Rex, hit him now!"

The baneblade opens up with it's main gun as you continue to hammer away with your own. Shit is flying left and right, and you cant even tell whose rounds are whose anymore.

All you know is, it appears you are gaining the upper hand.

Oh, and your Titan is now full of warning sirens and flashing lights.

"We're pretty damaged." You hear the tech-priestess notice from above.

"Clearly not enough to stop me from shooting!" You shout as you watch with great satisfaction as the Reaver reels back after a nasty plasma hit.

With more than a few choice words, Abbadon is left with little choice left but to bid a hasty retreat. His Reaver now missing a gun, as well as a good chunk of armor plating. You also guess that his Titan's arm is struggling as it doesn't appear to be lifting up.

Not that you are going to let him just waltz away that easily.

Heavy bolter shells continue to rake the Chaos machine's back as it tries to turn and flee. Though the crew keeps up their fire on you even as they make preparations.

Pursuit is an impossibility. Your Titan used to be fairly quick, but then it took an apocalypse missile to the knee.

"Max, the main servos of the left leg are only functioning at 30%!" Mika shouts, and you can tell from her tone this is probably more serious than you would have first thought.

Its not like this changes anything, though, and you keep your attack up.

"Insolent whelps, how could you lose this fight!?" You hear Abbadon shout. Must have left his communications up.

Another missile to the chest and you figure you'd best take a few steps back as well.

Shits on, that much is for certain.

You are pretty sure you've got Abbadon on the ropes, but you can't be sure. His Reaver is certainly the tougher of the two Titans, even if yours is fueled by awesome.

"Take control of the guns, we've got to try to down that thing before he can get away!" You yell up to Mika.

Forgetting the fire controls for now, you concentrate on just keeping the clunky walker upright. This proves difficult, as the failing knee joint seems to have really slowed you down.

As Abbadon attempts to retreat, you do your best to match him step for step.

Mika is in full swing of it now, and her shots are connecting quite well. She shouts in satisfaction at a particularly nice plasma hit on the Reaver's head.

Well, a short lived shout.

The screeching of metal and groan of fatigued steel is more warning to you than all of the bells and chimes playing in the cockpit.

"That wasn't a good sound..." You notice out loud.

"Max, I've lost fire controls!" You hear Mika yell above, quite a lot of duress in her voice.

Well, it seems you have as well. Despite trying to fire, neither of your weapons lets off a single shot. That certainly doesn't bode well.

"Shit." That isn't good, without those guns Abbadon could even turn around to finish you off.

"Hold onto your thong baby, we're about to get awfully dangerous."

"Wh-what? H-how did you know what I was wearing?!?"

"No time, we need everything this tin can has got, can you get us moving any better?"

"I'll try to reroute some extra power from the guns, but it won't get us much..." Mika says as she works the control panel which appeared in her tank after the combination.

"Hey Abbadon!" You yell out over the comm as you push the Titan as hard as it can go. Which isn't very hard considering all the damage it's sustained.

"I hope you like getting fisted!" With that, you strike with everything the tired old beast has left.

Your attack collides with the rear of the fleeing Reaver, and despite all the warning sirens and flashing lights calling you a retard, you seem to have succeeded.

"Max, th-the reactor's gone critical!" Mika screams.

The blow knocks the Reaver over, slamming hard onto its front. The Chaos Titan tries to push itself back upright, but you stomp down hard onto it's back. Again and again, as hard as the dying war machine can manage.

Lights flash as half a dozen Chaos Predators emerge from the nearby forest, raking you with lasfire. You don't have anything to return at them, but Rex does it for you.

Unfortunately, they get close enough with the Rhino in between the formation, to load up the downed Titan's crew.

Their leader now safe, the Chaos Predators turn tail and retreat, still shooting you, though to little effect.

Your warhound has already breathed it's last, it seems, as the cockpit goes dead.

Mika lowers herself down through the connection between the Titan and the russ, looking worried and shaken, but relieved at the same time.

Something doesn't feel right though, and you get a hint of danger still coming from the enemy Titan. Your psycher abilities finally give you enough of a hint to make your blood run cold.

"That thing is going to blow!" You blurt out, grabbing onto Mika.

"Wha-what!?" She cries back as you start pulling on her, scrambling over the seat on your way to the hatch release.

You give it a turn.


"Cover your face!" You tell her, before doing the same and activating your lasfinger.

The blast is enough to pop the cockpit open, and your mechanical arm is strong enough to lift it enough for Mika to crawl out.

Wedging the door open with a chunk of seat you ripped out, you wriggle out of the narrow opening as well.

Mika's waiting for you, peering down in shock and terror at the height. No ladder on the Titan now.

"W-well we can use the rungs..." She points to them on the side of the frame.

"No time, there's no time!" You shout, already having scooped her up.

"Y-y-you don't mean!?"


With that final cry, you jump off the back of the Titan. In retrospect, as you fall from the now quite alarming height, that may not have been the most sound of plans.

You land, hard, almost.

Rex got next to you and raised his barrel up at an angle, an angle you slide down, barely managing to keep your balance as your feet throb in protest.

The friction manages to slow your fall somewhat, but you still go sliding off of the tank entirely, falling to your knees as you hit the ground.

"O-owww...." You grimace, but you don't have time for pain at the moment.

Jumping back onto the rear of the baneblade, you slap it on the top armor.

"Go dog, get us the fuck out of here!"

The baneblade barks its response and starts speeding off away from the collapsed Reaver.

Sure enough, Chaos had rigged the reactor and magazines to blow, which they do. The heat wave you can feel from several hundred yards away.

Rex barely gets you out of shrapnel range in time.

You breath a sigh of overwhelming relief as you watch the fireball beginning to fade in the distance.

"U-ummm..." Mika pipes up, and you notice you are still carrying her princess-style in your arms.

"Don't act like you don't love it." You smirk, but you set the shy girl down on the back of the turret, where both of you take a seat.

"Sorry about the Titan..." You begin, but Mika has taken hold of your hand.

"I'm... I'm j-just glad we made it out." She smiles back at you.

"Yeah, that was too close." You lay back on the cold metal of Rex's turret as he steers for home.

When the baneblade finally comes to a stop, you help Mika down from it. Both of you are still feeling pretty shaky.

"You alright? Not injured are you?" You ask as you set Mika back on her feet.

"N-no, I don't t-think so..." She mumbles, making sure her mechanical arms are still working.

"Good. I'm not a very good medic." You laugh. She smiles in return.

With a heave, you chuck the wrench as far as you can manage. Which, without the aid of the power armor, admittedly isn't very far.

Rex doesn't seem to mind though, as he goes bounding off yet again in pursuit of the tool.

"He really is a weird baneblade." Mika giggles, taking another sip of a drink she'd grabbed out of the base. She gave you one, but you've mostly ignored it.

Now, having worked up quite a sweat; you sit down, set your hat aside to air out, and chug it all in one go.

"Damn, that hit the spot." You comment after a refreshed "ahhhh".

"Feeling better? W-what do you want to do?" Mika asks nonchalantly from her seat beside you.

"Kick back and quit getting attacked, at least for a few hours." You chuckle, tossing aside the can.

A long, quiet moment passes, but it isn't a bad one.

The sun is setting, and that makes quite the backdrop to silhouette the gorgeous girl sitting next to you. She catches you staring, blushes hard, and turns away to watch the sun go down.

"So, got any family?" She asks.

"Yeah, a dorky little sister. You?"

"M-me? Well, an older brother." She smiles down at her drink.

"Siblings, can't live with them, can't toss them to the tyranid swarm." You sigh as you lay down, head in her lap.

"Ah?!" Comes her easy-to-call reaction. She doesn't protest further though, and you actually feel her fingers touch the top of your head lightly.

Her stomach growls.

"Hungry?" You grin up at her embarrassed frown.

"N-n-not r-really!"

"Liar. Lets go, I'll make you something."

Despite her continued protests, you take her by the hand and lead her back into the admech base.

With a quick stop underneath SLaDOS for directions, you head off to find the kitchen. The winding tunnels seem to take forever to even get to that, but you finally find yourself in a large industrial cooking facility.

"Well, I certainly don't need this many ovens, but I can make do." You survey the place, hands on your hips.

"What do you want?" You turn back and ask Mika.

"I-I'm not picky." She replies with a faint smile.

"Great, I'll pick!"

The truth is, however, you don't even know where to START. What are all of these dials? What does Esh do to make her food so good? How did Helena used to make stuff for you?

You don't let any of this get to you. You are going to try your hand at this cooking, and flavor will yield to your awesomeness, damn it all.


The more you continue this whole "cooking" endeavor, the less and less you are sure of your skills.

The fact that purple tentacles are thrashing around the pot, which is steaming with a blue hue, doesn't settle you one bit.

'What the fuck, I didn't even use calamari..." You prod one of the tentacles.

Which promptly latches onto your wrist.

"What is this, I don't even..."

A torrent of wriggling tentacles shoot out from the pot, more and more grabbing hold of you with their suckers.

"Mmmmmkkaaaaaaa!!!!" Your cry for help is muffled as a tentacle latches around your mouth.

A gooey, semi-translucent man appears from the pot. He looks kind of familiar, from some ancient films from Terra.

"I knew a guy once who looked like you. One day... bam!" The monstrous food creature says, "Raped him with tentacles."

That certainly doesn't sound pleasant! You kick and struggle, but its no use, the tentacles are simply too strong.

"Guess what?! I've got a fever, and the only prescription... is more tentacles."

Dozens more shoot out of the pot.

"Honey, I'm hooommmeeee!" Ra'alman wriggles itself through a doorway, still dripping wet somehow.

"Oh great, I was just telling junior here about the tentacle rape."

"Great, we'll rape him together!"

No matter how you struggle, you can't stop the inevitable. Ra'alman opens it's great jaws, and swallows the both of you whole.

"Isn't this feeling great? I love it." The tentacle-food-beast comments joyfully.

After endless, countless, hopeless hours of fertilizing eggs, you hang limp in your bonds.

"No more..." You gasp. Even the energizing tentacles don't seem to be working now.

"Well, no matter. After all, you can't escape from here. No, your my little sperm blaster, for ever and ever!" Ra'alman coos.


Mika must have seen you struggling as you try to slap some stuff together, because she stands next to you and starts rolling up her sleeves.

"Huh? What are you doing?" You ask when she starts running hot water.

"Its obvious you need some help, so w-we'll cook t-together..." She smiles nervously.

While you had kind of wanted to make her something yourself, she's absolutely right. You know fuckall about cooking.

"I'll let you pick, and try to help." You smile helplessly.

"How about stir fry?" She asks, drying off her hands.

"That sounds excellent."

As much as you try to help, it seems like she's got it fairly under control. Though you make it a point to chop up all the meat and vegetables for her as she heats the wok.

Watching her work is quite memorizing. Her two mechanical arms help her out quite a bit as she flips, stirs, taste-tests...

"Y-you don't have to stare, it-its not that cool..." She blushes.

Not that you can help yourself from staring.

With the food finally done, you carry it over to the table and insist she sits down. Despite continued protests, you serve her a bowl first before filling your own.

The meal is quite good, if not quite enough to go toe-to-toe with Esh's cooking. Though you have to give Mika some credit, as Esh likely has a couple decades more experience under her short belt.

"This is really good!" You say after a particularly good piece of meat.

"Its n-nothing special." She smiles, looking embarrassed but pleased.

"You helped out quite a bit with it." Mika lets you know.

"Nah, it was all you babe." You add the last word just to see her startled reaction, which is something you would never get tired of watching.

After both of you finish, you insist she remains seated as you clean up. This time she doesn't argue, and just sits, smiling as she watches you work.

You don't mind, she deserves a break after everything you've put her through today. Hell, you deserve a break too.

"Is there anywhere to relax here?" You ask, finally finished with the cleanup.

“Relax? Who said you get to relax?”

With a jolt you look back to Mika, only it isn’t her. Instead, Lycheria grins wickedly back at you. In place of Mika’s mechanical arms, are mechanical arms.

Tipped in multi-pronged orifice destroyers.

Dozens of noise marines file in through the doors, their terror song beginning to blare.


Lycheria cackles as you try to run, but find your paths blocked. You notice at the same time, a sick feeling in your gut, that you are transforming into a girl again.

“Noooooo!!!” You cry out in your high, shrill voice.

“Let’s have some fun, this beat is sick, I’m going to rape you with my massive dick!” Lycheria sings, before knocking you onto a table and unzipping her corset.


"R-relax?" Mika asks, quite unsure.

"Yeah, somewhere we can just lay out and be lazy and whatnot." You groan for emphasis, stretching your arms over your head.

"Well, th-there might be a few places..." She thinks, still seated at the table.

"Anywhere that doesn't involve fish monsters, horrible aliens, or newly armed baddies is fine by me." You tell her.

"T-tired?" She asks with a smile.

"Dead beat." You nod.

"I'll let you pick..." Mika tells you the places you could potentially relax.


“I’ll tell you where we can relax, right in your ass!” Lycheria cackles as she thrusts yet again. It’s too much, your thin, womanly body can’t handle it.

“P-please! No more!” You shout, spitting out a noise marine plasma rifle after it shot it’s load down your throat and right into your stomach.

“No more? No more?!?!? HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE!!!!” Lycheria’s hips slam into you even harder, to the point you are visibly sliding on top of the table.

Something hot shoots out inside your guts as the crazed futa sister slows, stopping to a crawl.

“Next!” She shouts, and a noise marine takes her place.


"How about we head to the officer's lounge?" You ask her.

"Well, I do kind of want to see the inside of it, b-but I don't want to get in trouble..."

"Trouble? I'm a Commissar, I'm THE Commissar, no one is going to give us any trouble."

"O-okay." Mika says brightly, and you again take her hand in yours as you help her from her seat.

Though she has to take lead, as you don't have a clue where you are in this massive complex. How she manages to is quite a mystery, or at least you think so.

"It-its right in here..." She pauses outside the door, which is higher-class looking than the others you've passed on the way here.

Well, no turning back now. You push it open and lead her inside.

The officer's lounge is plush, no question. Smooth magenta seats are placed about it, half dark in the slightly dimmed lights. There is a full bar, you notice, as well as a stage and at least a dozen couches.

"Man, lucky sons of bitches." You marvel.

"It is pretty amazing." She capcoms.

The two of you wander around for a little while, checking out the smooth fabric and the thick cushions. Mika laughs as you spend several minutes alone checking out the bar.

"Want me to make you anything? I can't cook, but I can make a drink." You look up from the fridge.

"How about an oiler?"

"...A what?!"

"Err... Umm... Chocolate milk with coffee liquor and a spash of blackberry liquor."

While the though of that drink hurts your brain stuff, you mix it up nonetheless before pouring yourself a tall glass of "Creed's Imperial Stout". Noticing the caption on the keg in the cooler reads "You won't notice the flavor until he wants you to."

...Which must mean it's entirely flavo... No wait, there it is.

Mika sips her drink appreciatively, looking around the posh room again.

"Want to go sit on a couch? Flip on the hologram and see if anything good is on?" You ask her.

"That... That sounds nice." She agrees with a smile.

The two of you pass by the stage, and you can't help but poke a little fun.

"Wow, you and SLaDOS should totally do that duet here for me." You knock on the hard wood of it's raised floor.

"I-I couldn't possibly d-do that!" She almost looks as though she's about to faint from embarrassment.

"Ah, maybe next time." You continue to troll her softly before both of you take a seat on one of the larger couches.

Reaching out, you grab the one piece of technology you know and can operate with your eyes closed, and you often have.

"Oh remote control, how I've missed you." You grin down at the device, and Mika giggles.

The two of you get quite relaxed on the couch, though several times you get back up to go fetch drinks. By this point, Mika's cheeks are starting to turn pink and to be honest with yourself, you are starting to feel the effects.

"Ahh... Its so hot in here..." Mika sighs, before standing up and dropping her robes.

You can't help yourself, you reach out and touch her.

"Ahh?!" She jumps in surprise, craning her neck to look back at you.

Well, perhaps grabbing her butt was a bit bold. Even if she is still wearing pants.

"M-Max?!" She says, looking like she doesn't know what to do.

"It looked too nice, I had to." You shrug and take your hand off.

"I-I... I... I didn't s-s-say you had... To s-stop..." She blusters her way through the sentence.

"I have a better idea." You stand up, taking her by the waist as you do, before helping her back down onto the couch.

Your heart is beating at a million beats a second as you look down at the shy admech girl blushing underneath you. Slaanesh would make a beat with the rythem your thumper is making.

"Mika..." You whisper her name as you lower yourself down, and kiss her.

With a mind of their own, your hands have already started tugging at her buttons, gently pulling on fabric. You can only pay attention to the kiss for so long, however, before you realize you've got her down to her underwear.

"Heh, I knew you were a thong girl." You tease.

"N-not all the t-time..." She pouts.

"Hmm... I wonder what's underneath it..." You smile as you slip your fingers down, and they are met with smooth skin.

"Hah!?" Her hips buck at your touch, and she looks even more flustered than before.

Though after several moments, she seems to be getting more into it. Her startled gasps now replaced with quiet moans.

"Q-quit t-teasing me already, g-geez..." She looks away from you as she says it, as though she didn't want you to watch her utter such lewd things.

You smile down at her as she grabs your shirt, clutching it lightly in her grasp.

"Don't like being teased?" You smile, acting a little evil as you tease her even more lightly.

"It-its e-embarrassing..." Her hands tighten slightly.

"Heh, don't lie, you like it." You smirk.

Mika squirms, but you don't let up. She bites her lip and her legs cross.

"Hah..." She's panting slightly, and your fingers are now quite wet.

"See, you do like this." You hold up your fingers to show her, and the shy tech-priestess hides her face.

"D-d-don't sh-show me th-that!"

You gently move her arms aside, revealing her flush cheeks and wide eyes. Another kiss seems to calm her down, but you stop at a light tug on your shirt.

"N-no fair..." She averts her eyes but tugs on the shirt again.

"Oh, how rude of me." You grin, sitting up and pulling off your shirt. She tries to make it appear that she isn't staring, which makes it all the more obvious that she is.

You take the opportunity to remove your pants, tossing them lightly onto a nearby chair. Mika blushes even harder.

"You're pretty cute you know." You smirk as she smiles lightly.


"Yeah, very." As if to prove your point, you give her a smootch on the neck, than a playful bite, which causes her to flinch slightly.

Reading the cues, you take the chance and pop the clasp on her bra. It falls to the sides, revealing her very not mechanical breasts.

"Oh! Those are really nice!"

Your comment elicits just a faint moan of slightly frustrated shyness. Taking a further chance, you pull her thong aside.

"Are you ready?" You ask, noticing now how uncomfortable she seems.

"Ahh... I can't s-say... Err... Mmmmmm...." But despite her inability, her body is telling you its ready.

Despite yourself, for some reason you are embarrassed now. You can feel your own face growing warmer as you finally remove your boxers.

"B-b-be g-gentle with me..." Mika bites her lip, her eyes fixated on your inquisition.

"I will." Is all you can manage. In truth, your speech is failing you.

With one small push, you slide in slightly.

"Ahhh!" Mika's hands grab your sides roughly, her fingernails digging in slightly.

"Sorry!" You start to back up, but she stops you.

"N-no. D-don't stop..." You can tell she's quite scared, but she wants this.

Its not like you want to stop now, either. So, as slowly as you can manage, you push your sword deeper into the sheath.

Mika squirms and flinches at each inch, biting her lip and her right hand clutching the fabric of the couch. After what feels like an agonizing hours-long struggle, you are hilted.

"Does it hurt?" You ask, staying immobile.

"Y-yeah, a bit..." She says through gritted teeth.

Unable to help yourself, you look down at the union. The slight tinge of blood is the first thing you notice.

"Sorry." You apologize, feeling a bit bad.

"D-don't be, I wanted this. I-I... I wanted you." As she says it, she does something fairly peculiar for her. She's looking right in your eyes.

"I'm going to start moving now, is that ok?" You ask her. She answers with a little nod.

Slowly, as carefully as you can, you start to move. Despite it being awkward virgin sex, it feels incredible. You can't hold back your own sigh of pleasure as you sink yourself in again.

You can't take your eyes off of Mika's though, at least for not very long. Her cute, blushing face staring back up at you is just too priceless.

Mika must be starting to feel good as well, because her body is writhing slightly in pleasure. Every thrust results in a soft moan, and she has an ever-growing smile on her full lips.

"I-is it g-good?" She gasps as you slowly pick up the speed.

"It feels great, you feel great." You smile, before giving her another long kiss.

Though you aren't exactly new to this. In any way. You can't help yourself, already approaching your edge.

Mika seems to be close as well, you can guess. Her fingers are pressed into your muscles, and her back is slightly arched. She goes between having her eyes closed to keeping them heavily lidded and fixated right on you.

Without warning, her hips jolt as Mika climaxes. She calls out your name in ecstasy, her fingers gripping you even tighter and her legs wrapping around you.

"Wait, Mika, I shouldn't do it inside!" You splutter. As much as you WANT to, you aren't exactly ready to be big daddy Commissar.

Unable to hold out any longer, you pull out after one last thrust.

"H-huh?" Mika blurts, as your plasma jets out and gives her waist a messy, warm coating.

"Hooo wow..." You sigh, before laying down beside her.

With a satisfied noise, you look over at the black haired tech-priestess staring back into your eyes.

"W-was it good?" She mumbles, looking up at the ceiling as she bites her thumbnail.

"Better than that." You smile, putting an arm around her chest, her breasts resting atop your arm.

"C-can we take a shower? I... Want to wash off..."

"What? Not going to lick it up?"

"Whwhwhwhaaa?!?!" She flinches, looking down at the mess and then back at you.

You continue to watch, though you don't really... No, her hand moves down... She raises a finger to her lips, looking quite terrified, her cheeks burning.

A tentative lick...

"B-bitter..." She frowns, moving her hand away.

You laugh, before giving her a tight squeeze.

"Lets go take a shower, I think I'd enjoy that too."


As you start to get up, her hand lightly grabs your wrist, stopping you.

"M-Max... I ummm... I l-like y-you..." Mika looks like that is all she could have managed. With a shocked and embarrassed groan, she goes running off, you assume toward a shower.

"I like you too!" You smile, and call after her.


An assassins best friend, most of the time. I sit in silence as I watch the twin moons, one red and the other silver. Different from Catachan, alien, though everything feels like that now.

Something just seems off tonight, a feeling that is growing more and more stiff in my gut as the last of the light fades from the sky.

I'm being watched.

A sense of dread and panic, adrenaline. All too late, I don't know how I didn't know sooner. There is only one possible explanation for that, one I was hoping to avoid, forever. Only one man I know who could blank my senses like that.

"The Ordo has been looking for you, Eight."

Thread 20[edit]

Though you barely manage to keep track of the tech-priestess as she weaves through hallways and split paths, somehow you do. How she knows this place so well is still quite a marvel.

When you finally catch up, its beside a small unassuming door in a small corridor. Mika fumbles with a set of keys, taking nervous glances back at you.

She'd thrown her robe back on, though keeping it open to avoid getting it messed up by your rather gooey gift.

"Hah, like I'd let you escape." You smirk.

She doesn't say anything in response, her shaking hand finally pushing the right key into the lock and fumbling the handle as she pushes the door open.

Inside is a small, rather plain room. A single bed, some shelving and drawers. Beyond, another door leading into an unlit bathroom.

"W-would you like a shower?" Mika pipes up, rubbing her hands together as she looks from the bathroom to you.

"Very much so." You reply warmly.

The steaming stream of water now washing away the grime and sweat of the Titan battle, both of you finally seem entirely at ease. Mika still trying to keep herself modestly hidden as she washes up, you teasing her and foiling the attempt.

Both of you finally cleaned off, and Mika actually seeming to calm down, you step from the shower. The towels are modest, but do the job.

Mika watches quietly as you shave, which you hadn't had many recent opportunities to do.

You start reaching for your clothes, checking your communicator. Its quite late, far past the hour of nightfall.

"Sorry, didn't mean to keep you up this late." You smile apologetically to Mika. Its quite difficult not to just outright stare as she dries her hair, wrapped only in a single and quite revealing pink towel.

"Its ummmm... D-do, ah... D-do you w-want to s-s-stay the ni-night?" She stammers, perhaps louder than she had intended to as it catches you quite off-guard.

"If its not too much trouble?" You shrug.

"N-no t-trouble..." She says, staring at the floor and her face red as her robes again.

An hour later you wake back up as Mika shifts position. Looking down at the quietly snoozing tech-priestess, you can't quite believe your luck.

A yawn, and you pull her closer to you as you drift back into your dreams.

Something ringing loudly cracks your eyes back open. With an annoyed grunt, you reach over, slapping at your communicator. Finally it shuts off, and you roll back over.

A few seconds later, its insistent tone chimes again. This time you snatch up the device and hold it in front of your face.

The screen reads "Esh - Urgent."

Damn that Eldar, calling you all the time. Why can't she just leave a message like a normal person, xeno, anyone.

Well she should have known better to call at... Oh wait, its already 1pm...

Looking back, you notice Mika seems to have already awoken, as she's disappeared. A small note left on the bed-stand informs you that she needed to complete some morning rituals or something with machine spirits blah blah blah.

Annoyed at the intrusion nonetheless, you press the receive button and put the communicator to your ear.

Which proves instantly to be a poor decision.

"MAX?!" The earpiece squeals in protest at the volume.

"Damn it, woman, you don't have to yell into these things!" You snap.

"Well pick up the first time then! Gods!" She quips right back.

"What could possibly be so important that you are calling me at this hour? I haven't smoked any more souls, and I swear I had no choice but to play in that bloodbowl game..."

"What are you...? Its one in the... Ugh, never mind any of that you idiot, your friend is hurt!"

This snaps you to awake. Suddenly you have the device held to your ear with attention.

"What are you talking about, who?"

"Your Vindicare friend. One of our scout detachments found him this morning."

"Eight? How bad is he?"

Esh hesitates for a moment.

"Bad." She finally responds.

"Fuck. I'll be right there, tell me what happened."

"It would be pointless coming here, the healers wouldn't let you in to see him even if you tried to fight your way through. We don't know quite what happened, but it looks like he got into a tangle with a psycher of some kind."

"A psycher?"

"Yeah. Though it looks like he gave whoever it was hell. His pistol was empty and there was a good trail of blood. The scouts followed it but it ended at a river."

"Never mind all of that, how messed up is he? Can you guys deal with bullet wounds very well?" You are already throwing on your clothes and trying to figure out some way to equip your own armor.

"Its not a flesh wound, Max. I said he got in a fight with a psycher. He was bleeding from the eyes and ears when we found him, he's been catatonic ever since." The worried tone of Esh's voice does nothing except make you even more concerned.

"...When will we know?" You sit back down on the bed, suddenly feeling quite heavy.

"We don't know. The healers are trying their best, but even they aren't sure he'll ever come out of it."

"Keep trying your best, I've got something to deal with."

"Deal with?" Esh asks, clearly annoyed you are attempting to end the conversation.

"Yeah, because by the end of today, I'm going to kill whoever did it."

You find Mika busily messing with an open panel on Rex. The baneblade barks and starts toward you until Mika chides him to remain still. The robot relents, though his quivering antenna betray his true desire.

"Morning..." Mika stops when she sees your face.

"What happened?" She asks, standing up and quickly rushing over to you.

"Someone attacked a friend of mine. I need to go find out who."

Mika stops, but then nods and looks quite serious.

"You'd better go, then. I'll help you get into your armor."

As she quickly secures your armor pieces into place, you apologize for having to leave so suddenly. Despite her now serious tone, she's not angry with you. You thank her for being so understanding.

"T-there." She says, your gear finally all in place.

"Thanks, Mika. I'll let you know how it turns out." You reach down and pull her up in a tight hug. Quite to your surprise, she gives you a kiss right then and there.

"J-just don't do anything dumb, I don't have another Titan."

"Don't worry, I won't."

With one last kiss, you roar up the ramp on your new bike. A gift from Mika, something she'd been working on for quite some time.

In place of the usual bolters are plasma rifles, with a center-mounted grenade launcher. Twisting the throttle, you notice it seems to have quite a bit more power than the bikes you've ridden before. You make a note to take her on a ride the next time you see her.

For now, you have to decide where to go. Following the blood trail would be pointless. You have a feeling that somehow you'll just bump into whoever it is you've set out to end.

As you rip up dirt and your tires kick out small stones, you pull out your communicator once again.

The driving instructor at basic said never to do anything that might distract you from driving, but what did he know?

Ringing... Ringing...



"Yeah, its me."

"Ohai! My brother and I were just sitting down for lunch, care to join us?"

"As much as I'd like to, I've got a vendetta and the only prescription is to kill a psycher."

Ailia pauses.

"A... Psycher? Why? Whats up?"

You explain the situation to her as you ride, Ailia getting directions for you from her brother. The Tau girl seems quite upset at the news, having already spoken in quite length to Eight while you and Darkhammer were busy fighting on bear leaves.

"So he's in pretty bad shape?" Ailia finally asks, sounding downtrodden.

"That's what I've been told."

"Max, its Kais. Call the Eldar if you will, I'll personally send over some of our medical staff to help them out."

You make the call, fully expecting Esh to make a big scene of it and turn down the offer. Its quite surprising, then, when she graciously accepts. Not that you mind, the more staff the kid's got, the better his chances are.

You pull up to a slow stop alongside the Hammerhead, noticing Kais standing outside of it. It looks like he's giving orders to several Tau seated in Piranhas, who go flying off at a breakneck speed before you get close.

"That was the medical crew, they are quite adept at dealing with psychic injuries, I assure you." The Tau Commander claps you on the shoulder.

"Thanks for this."

"Think nothing of it brother, a friend of yours is mine as well." He nods sagely.

"Now, you look quite tired, come come. My sister's already waiting for us." He ferries you to the other side of the gunship, where you find Ailia seated on a blanket with a modest spread of food in front of her.

"Max!" She smiles as she sees you, but it falters once she notices your face.

"Revenge is heavy work, eat up." Kais motions for you to sit, and you do.

Though you aren't sure WHY you are hungry, you find yourself eagerly digging in. Tau cuisine is strange, to put it lightly. Gelatinous blue goo that wriggles at a touch, green damp strands that hang limp on a fork... These things you avoid, settling instead for some kind of meat in a rolled flat bread.

Kais eats beside you, but looks quite grave as he does. Finally, he speaks his mind.

"Whomever it was that attacked your friend was surely no amateur. I've had run-ins with Vindicare in the past, and there is no sneaking up on one." He sets down his bowl of blue gelatin.

"Fortunately," He continues, "Whoever the attacker was is not quite so skilled in the art of deception. My scouts picked up a blood trail earlier, though we didn't know from what until you called. Headed right into Tyranid country."

You notice Ailia's face lose some of it's color, and she looks as though she hopes she won't hear what comes next.

"So we're headed into 'nid territory." You say with an air of finality.

"Correct, we'll pick up the trail and see where it goes from there." Kais nods.

"Are you, uhh... Sure about this, Max?" Ailia asks, nervously watching you as you walk up and down the line of XV8's.

"Yeah, something wrong?"

"Well, its just that... You don't have any idea how to drive one of these things." Ailia shrugs, looking quite puzzled.

You stop, looking at her. Ailia stares right back at you.

"As if that's ever stopped me before." You grin, before pulling yourself up and into a Crisis suit.

"So... You're sure, about this?" She stands looking up at you, hands on her hips.

"I just went toe-to-toe with Abbadon in a Titan, and he had a bigger one. What could possibly go wrong?" You shrug.

"Well... Ok then..." She heads off to find her own suit.

"Now, lets see what this baby's armed with..." You start pushing buttons at random.

You are quite surprised when a Gretchin pops its ugly head up into your cockpit, and you stop messing with the controls.

"Oi boss, oi!"

"Uhh... Sup?" You look down at the green thing almost bobbing in delight.

"Boss, we gave ya mo' dakka bits!" It exclaims gleefully.

Poking your head out, you notice it indeed HAS given you quite a bit more shooty.

Strapped on in addition to the flamer and fragmentation launcher is a plasma rifle and a burst cannon. Well, odd but cool. Did that little shit just bolt those on? Oh wait... Yes it appears he did.

You turn back to look at the little Gretchin, about to give your thanks, before you realize he's disappeared.

Ailia's suit comes marching up beside you, pauses, and takes two steps back.

"What the...?! How did you...?!!?"

"I'm just that good." You slip on a pair of sunglasses and fold your arms, before sitting back down in the suit and closing the hatch.

Continuing on in your pursuit of figuring out this blasted thing, you keep monkeying with the controls. Surely if you just keep trying you will get it right, eventually.

"Max, are you all set to go?" Kais's voice comes over the speakers in your cockpit.

"Yeah, I think so." You push the controls, and the XV8 responds by lurching forwards. You barely manage to avoid crashing right on your own face.

"Yep, we're good." You assure the Tau, most of whom have stopped what they are doing to stare at you.

"Hey Max, what did you do to that XV8?" Kais asks, his hammerhead pulling up alongside you. He's staring, likely with a look of bizarre curiosity, at your suit.

"Got some more good bits for this foight." You tell him, finally getting into the rhythm of walking.

No one asks any more questions, and in hushed tones you don't pick up, the Tau ground crew agree they probably would rather not know, and chalk it up to you being human.

"Ok, lets do this thing!" Another Crisis suit rockets past you, pushing the suit to it's max speed. Which isn't entirely what you would call fast.

"Come on you xeno tin can, lets go lets go!" You push the controls to their limits and the suit picks up speed... Which is slower than the other suit, likely because you are weighed down with guns. Well, Karen would be mad at you if you ever told her you thought you'd had TOO much dakka here.

"You boys go on ahead... I think I'll sit back here and uhh... Do some stuff...?" Ailia says quietly over the comms.

"I think not, sister. It's far past time to get you over this fear of the swarm. You're going with us." Kais chides her.

"Hey uhh... Max? You doing alright buddy?" He asks you.

"Yeah, just fine!" In truth, you are struggling to keep the walker on it's feet. As per usual, the one thing you've yet to find is any brakes.

Well, no time like the present to push buttons and just hope for the best. Right?

You reach out and start slapping at controls, running your fingers over flashing lights, kicking at the pedals.

The XV8 lurches to the side, leaps to the right, and then activates it's jump pack. With a surprised gasp, you rocket upwards, hit your max climb ceiling, and fall.

"Fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuu.....!!!!" Thankfully the suit does most of the work landing by itself, though you almost flub it and fall sideways.

"Hey, watch it!" Another suit calls out as you nearly slam into it.

"You uhhh... SURE you got this?" Ailia asks, the speakers doing quite a good job in relaying the concern in her voice.

"No problems here, just getting the kinks worked out. It was a uhhh... Malfunction in the forward stabilizing servos, reactor surge and whatnot."

"Max that doesn't even make any sense..."

"Cut the chatter," Kais's voice echos across the channel, "We're entering the Carnifex zone."

Well, that can't be too bad. You've met a Carnifex before, and he seemed pretty cool. Almost ate you, but didn't. That's pretty chill in your book.

That sentiment is rather shaken, as the ground trembles slightly. A warning sensor goes off, and you notice a large red dot moving toward a little blue one you assume is your suit.

"Combat power, here they come!" Kais shouts.

Combat power? That's uhhh....

Well surely it's this flashing blue one.

You push it, and the suit interior darkens. The weapons package comes up, the holographic gun sight projecting in front of you.

"I'm impressed you are somehow managing to actually pilot that thing." Ailia comments as she powers her own suit up into combat mode.

"Baby, I can drive things up and down given enough buttons and luck."

"Enough buttons? You didn't even know what one to press?"

"Nah, almost flipped some switches but then hit the flashy blue on instead."

"Get ready, they're almost on us!" Kais shouts, taking control of the Hammerhead's main gun.

Sure enough, a virtual wave of tyranids come rushing out of the forest, headed right at you.

You turn to face them, figuring it's probably best to start shooting. Everyone else is, so it must be the new "in" thing to do.

A carnifex is running right at you, and you notice this one is absent any facial scars. Probably a good idea to take him down before he reaches you. If that's even possible...

Without really knowing HOW to shoot, you do what you always do in this kind of situation.

Press everything.

The guns all fire at once, a torrent of missiles bursting forth from their pods. Karen would probably squirt at the sight of so much dakka at once.

Unfortunately, about half of your shots miss the carnifex completely, though they land hits on the other charging swarm members.

"Uhhh.. Guys a little assistance?!" You call out as the massive tyranid closes in.

The resounding blast of the Hammerhead cannon catches the carnifex in the side, blowing a huge chunk of bug out across the battlefield.

The carnifex looks down at it's wound, before resuming its attack!

Another salvo from your guns is enough to send it to the ground. Those missiles seem to have some great effect on target.

Your suit is blabbering at you in Tau, which you neither speak nor understand in the slightest.

"Max, take it easy and try slaving just one or two weapons at a time! With all of those guns on, you'll overwork the reactor!" Ailia warns.

"Pah, I'll just kick it if it starts failing on me." You shrug, before realizing there are still a ton of charging bugs.

"Kais you jerk, I hate you for dragging me into this!" The tau girl shouts as she hits her jets to avoid a wave of gaunts.

"Hah, you seem to be doing just fine." Her brother comments, before leaping from a hatch on the tank.

A gaunt attacks him, but he sends the 'nid soaring with a single blow from his massive arm.

The Tau Commander rips his way across the battlefield, shooting and punching a swath through the bugs. Tau may not be great in close combat as a whole, but you sure wouldn't want to take a punch from that arm...

Things seem to be going great, perhaps TOO great.

"Nothing is ever easy, something is about to go very, very wrong here..." You comment even as you unleash a burst of flamer at a leaping jeanstealer.

"Whaaat? Nah, we're winning!" Ailia seems incredibly relieved, and right in her observation. The tyranids are thinning out, and though more are coming, their numbers are quickly dwindling.

"I don't know, I've got a bad feeling about this..."

Sure enough, you turn out to be right.

"Fuck I hate it when I'm right..."

"What the hell is that thing?!?!" Ailia screams, backing away.

You don't blame her, not one bit. Any creature large enough to simply knock trees out of it's way is TOO big. Way too big.

"Damn, I thought it was just a massive swarm of them on the scanners." The Hammerhead pilot laments.

"What is that thing?!" You shout, firing a salvo of missiles at it. Which seem to have no effect, in the slightest.

"A Tyrannofex... We... We may have a problem here..." Kais groans.

"Alright, lets go you giant fuck!" You shout up at the massive beast.

Throwing caution to the wind, abandoning it at the sidelines, you hit your jets.

"Max what the hell are you doing?!" Ailia yells. In truth, you don't really have an answer to that.

You fire everything your suit has as you rocket upwards, emptying missiles and plasma and fire into the gigantic creature. It howls in distress at the sudden attack, before firing back. You continue to watch in satisfaction as the guns rip off chunks of chitin and bug goo. But now you've got that acid to worry about, forcing you to dodge.

You manage to boost to the left to avoid the first shot of acid. Unfortunately, your alpha-fire seems to have finally finished off the reactor. The suit goes dead.

You can't see a damn thing. Until the acid starts eating away at the front of your cockpit, anyways. The hole growing large enough until you can finally fit out of it. Though if you do jump, it will be fight at the massive tyranid.

With one leap, you jump from the now dead suit. With a gulp, you confirm you are in fact headed right at the eyes of the damn giant.

Well, no better time than now to pray that the axe the Grey Knights gifted you is effective against Tyranids as well as daemons.

Well, you don't get the chance.

A blast of acid is headed right at your face.

"God damn it!" You shout, unable to avoid the stream of green corrosive bile.

Ailia screams upward, grabbing you roughly and boosting out of the way of the attack.

"Great timing!" You shout, giving her a thumbs-up.

"No problem..." She grunts as she pushes hard to avoid another burst of acid.

"We're going to win this thing in one go!" You shout, climbing on top of the crisis suit.

"Wha? How?!" Her voice is strained as the suit crashes down hard, it's stabilizers barely holding.

"Simple, we gattai!" You slam your feet down hard into the suit, summoning your smoked souls powers as you do.

The suit starts reconfiguring around you, Ailia letting out a shocked yell as it does. Guns whip around, slamming down in new places, your arms are bolstered by the Crisis suit's own.

"Whats going oonnnn?!?!" The tau girl shouts, clearly in absolute shock as she's forced into a spooning position against you, both of you facing forwards inside the new contraption.

You strike a cool pose, axe in hand, and point up to the massive Tyranid.

Kais is looking at you with a "What the fuck am I watching?" face, and you guess most of the other Tau are as well.

"Time to die you damn bug!" You shout, activating the boosters one more time as you fly upwards.

"Max this is crazy!!!!" Ailia screams, unable to stop you now.

"Crazy? No, this isn't crazy!" You cackle, drawing ever closer to the massive Tyranid as it tries to hit you with it's acid again.

Summoning all of your power now, you send it right into the axe, which glows with a vorpal insanity.

"Final axe!!!!" With that, you swing the weapon right at the head of the beast. With the force of a thousand suns it collides, and at first it seems as though the armor will hold.

But finally, the Tyranid chitin proves no match for the power. The axe buries itself deeper and deeper into the creature's head, before finally sinking into the brain.

With a blaring, massive scream, the beast falls limp.

You come crashing down with Ailia, landing alongside Kais who still can't believe what he's seeing.

"And that, my friends, is how you pilot a mech." You say, standing the suit back up.

"What did I just... I don't even..." Kais scratches his head, well, the back of his helmet.

Dissipating your psychic energies causes the suit to reconfigure to it's original Crisis form. Leaving you standing on top of it, once again just in your power armor.

"Don't question it, I just go with the flow."

"But how did you? I mean...?"

"Soul joints mate." You shrug, hopping off of the XV8.

"Anyways, we'd better get back on the trail of this guy before more tyranids show up." You notice the battle has ended, and is now littered with the corpses of at least a hundred various bugs.

"Right..." Kais doesn't look quite convinced at how you managed to do that just now. To be honest, you don't know how it works either.

Without many more questions, you continue following the pathfinders as they lead you along the route the psycher took.

"Here. Along here." The pathfinder kneels down, showing you the faint trail of blood.

"We're getting close now." Another adds, hoisting his carbine and standing back up.

"We'd better be on edge, the cornered animal is the most fierce." Kais adds.

You agree. While you are out for revenge, you certainly don't want to walk into a trap. Not against someone who got the drop on Eight. Though really, if he could manage that, what makes you think you aren't walking into his snare right now?

Not that it would likely work, being that you have half a dozen Crisis suits, a Hammerhead, a Tau commander, and a pathfinder squad as backup... But still, you don't like activating traps.

"We should go about this smartly." Ailia says, laying out a plan that advocates patience. The pathfinders seem to side with her.

"I think we should attack outright, spring any possible trap and hit him front on. He won't be expecting that." Kais replies, the Hammerhead crew and crisis suits taking his side.

"I think I should go in alone." You say quietly.

"Alone?!" They both shout, dropping the squabble about the plan.

"Yeah, I don't want to get you wrapped up in this any more than you have to be." You stand up, "Besides, I can handle one measly psycher by myself."

You move as quietly as you can through the underbrush as you stalk forward. The pathfinders got you started on the blood trail, now you just need to follow it.

Which is precisely what you do. Axe clutched tightly in your hand as you stalk forwards. You should be able to sense him before he tries anything with his powers. You hope.

Glancing around wearily, you pray to not run into any more tyranids. That would certainly give away your position quicker than much else. Though with any luck, they already got to the guy and chewed him up, saving you the hassle.

"An interesting plan, Commissar. Coming in alone and leaving your support behind."

You whirl around just in time to knock the power sword aside with your axe, and the man jumps backwards as you lash out in retaliation.

"Bastard, what did you do to my friend!" You shout as you swing again, the blade of your nemesis axe coming within millimeters of it's flesh target.

"Your friend?! Surely you mean my assassin." He smirks, thrusting his blade forward which nearly impales you before you leap aside.

"Who are you?!" You inquire, with a cough of fire from your arm. The sudden attack catches the man off guard, and he falters backwards in the face of the sudden flame.

"No concern of yours, I should think!" He produces a plasma pistol and nearly gets a shot off before you fry it in his fingers with a shot from your lasgun.

"Hmph, not too shabby are you?" He muses, taking a step back as you advance.

"Fus Roh DAH!" The sudden burst of energy takes him by surprise, and the stranger has no time to react before being tossed backwards. His flight stopped hard by a large tree, and he sinks to the ground before leaping quickly to his feet.

"A nice trick, but no match for one of my skill." He wipes the blood from his lip, and grins.

"Get away from him, Max." A quiet voice from behind you.

Turning around, you notice Eight standing on rather shaky legs, his Exitus pistol clutched in one hand and his long knife in the other.

"Eight?! I thought you were..."

"I was, I woke up and tracked you here. The Eldar were kind enough to lend me a bike, though I didn't ask."

His face is hard, his eyes fixated on the stranger before you both.

"So good to see you again, though I must admit I'm not entirely pleased at being shot." The man spits.

"But if you give up now, I won't hurt your friend. Its time to go home, Eight." He adds, lowering his sword.

"Are you alright, kid?" You ask, reaching out. Eight brushes your hand aside.

"Fine. But this is my fight."

You give him a once-over. It's pretty evident he's in no position to fight, that much is certain.

"I don't mean to be the bad guy here, but I can't let you try to take him out, he beat you when you were in prime shape, man." You shake your head, "I'll finish him for you."

"NO!" Eight glares, but then his eyes soften and he shakes his head, "No, you aren't a killer, and this man is at his end."

You glance back at the stranger, finally noticing his ragged breath and how his left hand is now again clutching at a hole in his ribs.

"You always were one for murder, weren't you? That's how I found you, wasn't it?" The man stands back to his full height, hefting his sword once again.

"Fair enough." Eight concedes, stepping between the two of you.

"That's right. A killer before we even got to you. Do you know that, about your "friend", Commissar?" The man backs up, his eyes darting around as though searching for some escape.

"You don't have long, do you?" The vindicare asks, slowly starting to circle the stranger.

"Hmph, perceptive as ever."

"I'd give you a dogs death if I were able, but a clean kill is what the Ordo taught, isn't it?"

The stranger laughs, a ragged cough following.

"You don't deserve this." Eight says, leveling his pistol.

"Deserve this? I raised you, boy! I was the one who kept you alive! Those guardsmen on Catachan would have strung you up, whelp!"

Eight easily dodges an erratic swing. You almost intervene, but something tells you that Eight would never forgive you if you did.

A shot rings out, blood blossoming from the stranger's knee as he yells out and falls to the ground.

Eight doesn't say anything else as he presses the pistol to the man's forehead, his expression blank as he pulls the trigger.

With a jolt, the now headless corpse collapses to the ground. Blood spews from the wound, spraying Eight and his handgun. The corpse shakes and spasms around on the ground for several seconds, before the movements slow.

The vindicare lowers the pistol, wiping the blood and bone shards off of his face with the back of his hand.

"Lets get out of here." He tells you, and you can't agree more.

The assassin sits quietly on top of the Hammerhead as it makes its way back through the forest, through the piles of fresh Tyranid carcasses.

For a long time, he doesn't say anything, just stares out across the woodland, chainsmoking.

"He's right." He finally says, flicking a butt and watching the soaring cherry.

"What?" You turn to look at him, and Eight shrugs.

"He's right. When he found me, it was at the scene of a murder."

"Yeah, but it wasn't..." "You" is what you were about to say, but judging from the look in his eyes, it indeed HAD been him.

"Well I'm sure you had your reasons..." You add after the long silence.

"A poor one."

"Look kid, the past is the past and not something I dwell on. I'm not going to hold it against you, whatever it is you did. You've saved my ass on more than one occasion and you're more than alright in my book."

Eight looks at you, and, quite a rarity, smiles.

"Thanks Max."

"Don't mention it. How did he get the drop on you, anyways?"

"A specialty of his, the whole reason he worked for the Ordo. He could project out, dampen senses and mess with that kind of stuff."

"Ah, interesting abilities."

Eight doesn't add anything else, before lighting up again.

The rest of the ride cheers up significantly from there. The Tau prove gracious and happy hosts, and everyone is pretty glad to have survived the Tyranid attack.

Deciding now is a better time than ever, you decide to write Helena a note.

"Dear sis, sorry its been so long since I've written, but shit has been downright insanity. So far I've bested daemons, won the superb owl, surfed with the Emperor himself and oh yeah. IM UP TO MY EYEBALLS IN ALL KINDS OF STRANGE. I'm pulling more tail than fucking, I don't even know. Oh and I lost my left arm but got a bionic replacement."

"PS. I'm a psycher and shit now."

You set the letter down, giving it a once over.

"Yeah, that should do it." You grin.

"So what do you do for fun kid?" You ask him kindly.

"Fun?" He inquires, cigarette perched on his lip.

"Yeah fun, you know. Girls, games, sports...?"

Eight shrugs and turns back to looking at the passing scenery.

"I guess I used to play a game by myself in the Ordo. I'd pull out my picture and try to avoid the cameras seeing me. There were never any women around..."


The tank slows to a stop at the Tau camp, Eight making sure the Eldar bike in tow doesn't slam into the back of it. Ailia bounds her Crisis suit up alongside you, opens the cockpit, and grins.

"C'mon you two, lets go have some FUN!" She exclaims, throwing her arm around dramatically.

What exactly Tau do for fun, you have no idea.

"You guys go, I'll catch up. Need to return this bike." Eight shrugs, hopping down onto it.

"Like hell I'm letting you sulk off back out on your own, Esh will have my head as is already in all likelihood!"

You grab Eight before he can bolt, pulling him closer and giving him a friendly noogie.

"No no my friend, you are coming with me, having a beer, and hitting on some shapely earth caste girl."

"But I left a note saying I'd bring the bike back..."

The assassin protests, but is no match for your superior strength. Though without the power armor, he might have come close.

Ailia waves you over to a tent, and you drag Eight into it.

Kais and a bunch of other Tau wait for you inside, noticeably absent their armor and weaponry. Ailia pulls you aside, explains the no-armament custom, and helps you shed your gear.

"Can't really ditch the arm, though." You mutter, and she grins before pulling you into the throng of mingling blueberries.

You notice Eight's taken a seat at a bar, and is already well into some dark, almost black drink. An old drunken fire warrior making some kind of joke, as far as you can tell.

Ailia takes you by the hand again, leads you over to what looks like a light blue waterfall, and fills a cup for you.

"Err... What is it?"

"Earth caste special with firewarrior water."


"Just drink it..."

You do, and immediately wish you hadn't. It tastes more or less like bad vodka mixed with sugar water. Though when you notice a few amused glances from nearby fire warriors, you decide you aren't going to look like a bitch and down the rest of the cup.

"Alright, now I'm grabbing something else."

You slap down a hand on the bar, order something, get told he doesn't know what you are asking for, and finally just tell him to give you something strong.

Glancing over, you notice Eight looking quite uncomfortable as a younger fire warrior girl rests her head on a hand and tries to strike up conversation with him. Uncomfortable likely due to the fact that the earth caste girl's downright massive goods are resting atop his head, she being a bit more upfront than the fire warrior.

Well, maybe it will be good for him. You hope.

You can't exactly maintain your interest in his well being with Ailia squishing into your back. Absent any kind of armor, you can most definitely feel what she's trying to convey with her greater goods.

"Still worried about your friend?" She asks smoothly, helping herself to a sip of your drink before scrunching up her face at the taste of it.

"Yeah, can't say I'm not. Kid's been through a lot, I think."

Glancing back over, you notice Eight has disappeared. You whip around, scanning, but fail to see him. The earth caste girl and the fire warrior... Oh... Well if they are doing THAT together, Eight probably didn't stand a chance at either of them...

"Shit, where did he go?" You grumble.

Ailia reaches into your pocket, producing a napkin with a hastily scrawled message on it.

"Have fun, going to go return bike now. - VIII"

"Gah, that little brat!" You start heading off after him, but Ailia holds you back.

"As though you could even catch him." She snorts, before pulling you off to a dance floor despite your thrashing protests.

I don't like crowds.

Maybe it's because the Ordo school was quite small, maybe its because the settlement on Catachan contained very few people, I don't know.

I just know I don't like crowds.

The Eldar bike eats up the ground quickly, absent any rumbling and bouncing of the ground as it hovers almost effortlessly above it.

I know Max isn't going to be happy I slipped away, but unlike him, I make it a habit to not wreck vehicles.

The Eldar encampment isn't too far from here, but I take my time as I ride. It isn't often I get to have a vehicle, generally I get dropped off on foot and spend days on end in some shit hole swamp or blown out building.

I have to spit out the cigarette to pull down my mask. Its thermal vision giving me quite a clear vision of the Eldar in it's white on black hue.

Despite the scenic route, I pull up to them quickly. Too quickly, I'd been enjoying the ride.

"Didn't think we'd notice you'd left?" A calm voice from behind me.

"Sorry, I had... Something I needed to do." I apologize, hopping off the vehicle and landing lightly on the grass.

"You must be Esh, thank you for your hospitality." I bow my head in appreciation.

"Please, spare me the pleasantries. The healers are going absolutely mon-keigh looking for you, they don't think your fit to be out." Esh looks me over ponderously, I can't help but feel quite exposed in her gaze, as though she can see right into me.

"Sorry, but its something I had to take care of personally." I may be young, but I'm not intimidated by her. I've... I've killed farseers. Not something I'm overly proud of, but certainly enough to erase my fear of them.

"I don't care, it wasn't my bike. You'd better explain yourself to HER though." Esh gestures to another Eldar storming up toward me.

"I should... I don't even... GRRRRRRR!!!!!" The newcomer grabs hold of me, giving me a rough shake as she does.

"Enough, I know you've no love for Vindicare, but you'll behave yourself in my presence, pupil." Esh snaps.

The young blonde haired Eldar lets me go, bowing in deference to Esh.

"Apologies, I let my emotions get ahead of me."

"Noted." Esh nods.

"It was your bike? I'm sorry, I had to borrow it to take care of something." I give the newcomer another apologetic bow of my head.

"Bike?! You think I care about the bike?!?! It was my duty to make sure you were looked after! Oh the hell I caught from the healers... Oooooo!!!!" She glares at me.

"Again, sorry." I can't help but look her over, though. She's pretty, for as little as I truthfully know about that word. Blonde hair, knowing, vibrant turquoise eyes...

"Ugh, whatever, just come with me!" Without warning, she grabs me roughly by the hand and pulls me along with her.

"If you don't mind my asking, to where?" I attempt to light a cigarette as she drags me along. Everyone seems to want to drag me along today...

"To the healers! Where else?! Stupid assassins... Gods..."

I stop, forcing her to as well.

"I'm not going back there." I tell her, perhaps a bit more bluntly than I'd first intended.

"And why, pray tell?" She folds her arms, glaring at me.

"I'm fine now." I shrug.

"Fine?! Oh, so your fine now? Well that is certainly a relief. Hey everyone! He's fine now!" She shouts around mockingly.

"Did I... Do something to offend you?" I mutter.

"You're an assassin." She almost spits the words, and I can feel the seething hatred in her voice.

"A vindicare no less, the worst of them all." She glares, which feels quite unpleasant.

"So?" I shrug.

"So? One of you... You... Things, killed my mother. I don't know why Eshwe is even letting you stay here! If it were up to me, we'd have left you lying in the fields to die!"

She's got a terrible, violent look about her now.

"I mean no offense. Tell Eshwe I've seen the healers and I'll just take my leave now." I shrug, backing away.

"Oh no you don't! She told me to take you, and on my word I'm taking you!" The Eldar grabs me again, and again I'm being dragged...

I sigh.

What a long damn day...

The music is downright pumping.

You can feel Ailia getting into it as she makes no attempt to hide the fact she's grinding her rather plump behind into your flagship.

Not that any of the other Tau seem to care. In fact, most of them are doing the same damn thing.

Kais is almost impossible to see, covered in so many of them. He's laughing, a drink in one hand and a handful of blue behind in the other, as he dances with at least five earth and fire caste girls. You grin, that dog.

"Hey, lets uhh... Cool off, shall we?" Ailia asks, having worked up a noticeable sweat as she turns around to face you.

"Sure thing, where too?" You ask, giving her a smile.

"Uh, well... Lets see... How about my tent?" She asks.

"As though I could possibly turn that down." You smirk.

Hand in hand, you let the Crisis suit pilot lead you off toward her own personal place. You think you know exactly what she's got planned, your imagination running wild...

So when you find yourself sipping a fresh drink of some kind of tea, seated on her bed with the Tau girl smiling next to you, it isn't quite what you had expected.

Though you don't mind the peaceful quiet for once, quite a stark and welcome comparison to the usual hustle.

Ailia rests her head on your shoulder, watching some kind of bubbling fish tank full of little crab like things set on a table in the center of the room.

"Nice little place you've got here." You tell her, genuinely admiring it.

"Its not much, but having Kais for a brother certainly does have it's perks." She giggles.

"Ummm... Can you take off your shirt and lay down on the bed?" She asks, blushing and poking her fingers together as she does.

"Huh? Yeah sure." You oblige, laying down to face her.

"Well, I mean flip around." She twists her hands as though to demonstrate.

Not really knowing what she has in store, you nonetheless turn over as requested. For a moment, you just lay there idly.

Until Ailia's hands start rubbing something cool along your back.

"Hey, uh, what is that stuff?" You ask, the slightly sweet, slightly tart smell hinting at your nose.

"Just relax..." Ailia coos.

You do, quite instantly. Whether you had wanted to or not. Her hands work quite expertly across your back, and you feel built up tension you hadn't known existed washing away.

"Wow, you're pretty good at this..." You mumble, eyes closed.

"Its a, uhh, Tau custom. For the one you like. All Tau women are taught it."

"Hmm? I like you too, Ailia." At your words, her face grows quite pink. You don't mind, you quite like that look...

  • meanwhile*

Ra'alman watches through her crab spy network as her husbando gets some kind of backrub from some blue skank.

"Oooohhhh that manslut, I'll show him the next time I see him..." She growls from her undersea bed of coral.


Tonya awakens from her slumber inside the tomb.

"Oh Max, you naughty naughty boy, playing with my servos so early in the morning..." She coos into her dakimakura. The picture of Max staring back up at her in a seductive pose, his boxers nearly low enough to reveal everything.

"Oh my honey my sweet," She sings to the pillow, swinging it around in some kind of dance, "We'll be together soon enough. Forever and ever."


Tonya hums quietly to herself as she writes in her diary. She recalls the morning, waking up alongside her lover as she glances longingly at the pillow. Most of what is written is little more than drawing little hearts around a newly acquired picture of Max in some kind of Grey Knight/Crisis suit hybrid.


"And that is how I'm going to make him mine!" Tonya exclaims gleefully to the listening row of Immortals, who remain utterly motionless throughout the explanation.


Tonya sits in the tomb, singing a quiet song as she plays with the figurine she had made of her lover. She smiles down at him, longingly.

"Soon enough you'll be mine, all mine!" She smiles, spinning around clutching the toy.

"Now, its time to go find you!" She sets the toy down, turning about gleefully as her scouts come in from their trip.

"Well, my little birds, tell me what you found!" She pets a wraith, rather lovingly, as she listens to the information.

"With whom? Oh no, surely he's been taken hostage. No matter, we'll go find him. We'll find him and make him mine!" She grins.

"Oh yes, all mine..." Tonya whispers with a grin, as she starts her walk up the ramp of the tomb.

I let the healers look me over, yet again. I hate this kind of thing. The sterile walls, the close, scrutinizing eyes.

It feels just like the Ordo.

"Are you finished?" I finally ask, my patience having long since expired.

The head healer frowns as she lowers her head to stare at me, and I can tell no matter what she says in return, the exam is far from over.

"In such a hurry to leave? You were lucky to have survived that, child." Her voice is kind, regardless of whatever ulterior motives she has.

"I just... I'd like to get some rest, outside." I shrug, hoping to not give off any tells that she can read.

Her face just grows closer, more concerned, and more scrutinizing.

"Care to tell me about why your mind is so fragmented?" She asks after a long pause, cocking her head in puzzlement.

"Fragmented?" I ask, not knowing what it is she's leading on about.

"Broken up, not whole." She continues, pressing for information.

"Sorry, but I don't know what you're talking about." I stand back up, turning for the door, when a hand on my shoulder stops me.

"You may not know, but I do. Tell me, did they have someone, a pscher... Did they..." I push her hand off of my shoulder roughly, shaking my head as I do.

"I don't want to remember any of that."

"Want to or not, child, one day it will happen. Those pieces will join and you will be left with it all intact once more."

"...Whatever." I push open the door, moving quicker than I'd originally thought. With a shaking hand I light up again.

"Finished already?" A cold voice from beside me, I don't even turn to look at the blonde.

"Short exam, she said I was fine."


"Whatever, why do you even care?" I stare over at her, not used to conversations spanning this long and not exactly thrilled with it, the tone or the direction.

"I don't!" She snaps back, "Eshwe told me to wait for you here, and I'm just following orders."

"I'm leaving." I tell her, before activating the cloaking systems of my suit.

Something trips me up, and I whirl around to stare back at her.

"Please, don't mock me. Just because I can't see you doesn't mean I don't know where you are." She growls.

"Again, why does it matter? Let me leave, tell Eshwe whatever you want and I'll back up your story." I shrug the pommel of her sword off of my leg.

"Tsk, as much as I'd love to, and trust me I would LOVE to let you go, I can't." She glares.

"And why exactly is that?" I make no attempt to mask my displeasure.

"Eshwe wants me to make sure you are well fed first." The girl spits venom with every word, I can tell she really does hate me.

"...If I just let you get this whole thing over with, can I go?" I ask, crossing my arms and deactivating my suit.

"Yes, so just quit being so much of a damn nuisance and just follow me."

Vect sits in his plush office chair. He sits and wishes he could be getting some work done.

He knows it isn't likely to happen any time soon.

"Fucking Parker, where is that kid when you need him?" He says through his cigar.

"Wuzzat daddy?" Senna pipes up from her position of balancing over his chair on her hands

"I think he said he wants some music. Isn't that what you said? Lets put on some music!" Senda cheers as she jumps down off the desk and rifles through Vect's private record collection.

"Hey hey, I wanna help pick!" Senna pouts, leaping over Vect and helping Senda tear through the selection.

"Bleh, all of this stuff is so old and booorringggg!" They both chime in unison.

"I know, lets put our favorite on!" Senna shouts.

"You mean our own album?" Senda asks.

"What else?" Her twin replies cheerfully.

They slap down their record and start dancing and singing along to themselves. Vect sits back in his chair, pounds the remaining bottle clutched in his hand, and puffs on his cigar.

"Damn it, Parker, I should have just GIVEN them to you." He groans, knowing full well his entire work day is shot.

"Can you two, maybe quiet down?" Vect asks his daughters, neither of whom hear him nor respond.

In their violent dancing commotion, they knock over his computer as well as several photos off of his desk. Both twins continue, taking no heed.

"Fuuuccckkk..." He groans, rubbing his temples.


Helena plops down on the cot inside her tent. She'd had to beg, plead, and eat out Sarah to get her to leave for the night. But this would totally be worth it. The night had been a complete success so far, and after a quiet meal together she'd invited the mekboy along to her tent.

Frederick enters behind her, looking quite hesitant as he does. In truth, he's excited but terrified.

"Hmm, whats this?" Helena notices, snatching up the envelope and reading it as she lays on her back, her head hanging off of the side of the cot.

Her face screws up as she continues reading, and her eyes dart back and forth as she carefully re-reads everything in the letter.

"What in the actual fuck am I reading?" She exclaims out loud, scratching her head as she reads the letter yet again.

Sure Max has always been less then eloquent when writing, but this seems even more rambling and strange than usual. A psycher? Him? HOW?!

"Err... Everything alright?" Frederick asks hesitantly from beside the bed.

"Wha? Fine, fine!" Helena exclaims, tossing the letter aside and snatching at Frederick's robes.

"H-hey, what are you...?"

She finally grabs them, and licking her lips, pulls them open.

"Oh." She says, with an air of disappointment, "You guys wear pants under these?"

"Well.... Yes?" Frederick says, not knowing what is the correct answer.

"Well ditch them, you won't need pants where we're going!" Helena grins mischievously.

"I uh... Won't need pants?" Frederick's eyes are almost spinning.

"Nah, follow me!" Helena, grinning ear to ear, snatches up his hand and something off of her dresser before leading him once again out into the warm night air.

"Where are we going?" Frederick asks in a hushed tone, not wanting to wake anyone else during the night excursion.

"Shhh! Just follow me!" Helena whispers back, giddily.

When they finally arrive, Frederick is quite puzzled.

"The... The ocean? I don't...!!!" He spins around as he notices Helena, who is now stripping.

"Oh don't act so shocked, I've got a suit on you know." She smirks, setting down the bottle of tequila on the sand.

"Err... I didn't bring a suit..." The tech priest fumbles, looking around and finally resting his eyes on Helena. His hearts, both of them, stop for the briefest of seconds.

Her slightly tan skin illuminated in the moonlight, messy sexhair fluttering lightly in the wind of the beach. She smiles at him when she notices his stare, which only stops his hearts again. He can't take his eyes off of her, as though they were meant to see her and only her.

"I... I..." He stammers, trying to think of something.

"Oh hush up and just get in with me." She smirks, grabbing his belt and ripping down his pants.

Frederick relents, and removes everything but his boxers, which are patterned with gears.

"Cute!" Helena exclaims, before grabbing the waistband and pulling him along with her into the surf.


This is bliss.

Fredrerick laughs along with the cute tank gunner as she splashes cool water up at him. Forget the servos, forget the wires, tonight he's having fun.

Helena laughs and smiles along with him, the completely unaware tech-priest. How silly. He thinks he's just having fun.

Helena grins evilly inside. Oh yes, he'll be having fun. He'll be having fun while she makes him hers all night long. Whether he's too embarrassed or not, she's making this night count.


"Hey Max?" Ailia asks, but you can barely hear her.

"Hmmm?" You ask, though it's really more a pleasurable moan as her hands draw back down your spine.

"Well, uhhh..." She stops, as though quite unsure of what to say.

Not giving her a chance to figure something out, you snatch her up quickly and bring her back down to the bed with you.

Her pink cheeks are so close to yours... You give her a kiss.

"Did it really feel that good? You look ready to pass out."

"I already have, several times." You mumble faintly, feeling the warmth of her pressing into you.

"Hey uh, let me up for a second."

You do, and several seconds later she returns to your side. Naked.

Though neither of you seem sexually charged, instead you are entirely content to pull her close. Feeling her body's soft touch against your own.

Before you even realize it's happened, you are asleep.


Kaleshi stops her reading, glancing around as she looks up from the book. She can't quite put her finger on it, but something is off here.

"You've been hogging him!" A sudden shout from the foot of her bed causes her to jump in surprise.

Lilith is glowering, her chin propped up on the foot of the bed, eyes fixated on her older sister.

"What are you talking about?" Kaleshi snaps, marking her page and setting the book aside before folding her arms.

"You've been hogging him!!!" Lilith repeats, this time more forcefully, with a much more whining tone.

"Max is my husbando, brat!" Kaleshi chucks a pillow, which smacks Lilith right in the face.

"Oooooooohhhhh!!!!" The little daemonette pouts loudly as she stands up, dramatically placing one hand on a hip and pointing at Kaleshi with the other.

"You need to share!" She shouts at her older sister.

Another pillow smacks Lilith in the face.

"Sharing is for kids, I take what I want, and I'm going to marry Max whether you like it or not." The khornette smirks at her younger sister's fury.

"Perhaps Lilith has a point, sister." Nyx says from the doorway.

"Wha!? Don't tell me you're in on this too!!!" Kaleshi groans.

"Ara~ara..." Is all Nyx says, araly.

"Well tough for both of you, he picked me so clearly I'm the victor here!" Kaleshi folds her arms, looking victorious.

"We don't care about THAT!" Lilith stamps her feet, "We just want you to share him every once and while!" The little daemonette pouts.

"Well..." Kaleshi thinks for a moment, before shrugging, "I guess it can't be helped. I'll share him with you two. Sometimes."

"HEY PARTNERS, WHAT DO YOU THINK?" Doomrider scratches his chin, not quite sure what to make of the scene in front of him.

You circle around the layout of the crime, shaking your head, than nodding.

Eight shrugs, exhaling a plume of smoke.

"No question about it here, guy was definitely vored to death." You nod sagely.

"We thought so." The uniformed officer says, though you know they don't know what the fuck they are looking at here. If they did, they wouldn't have called you in.

"You sure aniki? I think it was a pizza orgy." Eight gestures to something behind the couch, and you take a closer look.

"By the Emprah..." You shake your head in disgust as you stand back up, away from the string of mozzarella.

"A PIZZA ORGY VORE SESSION, THIS GUY'S FUCKED UP." Doomrider shakes his head and shrugs, lost for words.

"Damn right he is, we're going to have to catch them quick before they strike again." You snag a spare cig from Eight.

"To the car?" Eight asks, already knowing the answer.

"To the car!" You agree.

"DAMN IT, HOLD ON, LEMME FINISH THIS LINE!" Doomrider snorts, literally.


The three of you step back outside into the cold air, night has fallen. Street lamps illuminate the empty city streets.

Eight hops onto his motorcycle, starting it up with a roar and putting on his sunglasses because fuck night time he's too cool for school.

You and Doomrider pile into the 1970 Hemi cuda, you're driving tonight.


"Yeah," You reply, slipping on your own sunglasses, "This guy is about to get bitten... By the law."


The car hits the top of a hill and jumps as you go sailing off in pursuit of a criminal.

"SO WHERE ARE WE HEADED?" Doomrider ponders as the 'cuda hits another hill and jumps yet again. Eight follows in hot pursuit atop his cycle.

"Same place we always head when we need info on something down on the streets. Daddy S."

Doomrider grins, he likes where this car is headed.

The joint is already pimpin by the time you arrive, which isn't surprising for this late at night. Daddy S runs quite the place. Some kind of mix-up between a jazz bar and a crime syndicate. You let him off the hook for things, provided they aren't TOO stupid, in exchange for his vast wealth of knowledge.

The three of you get out/off of your respective vehicles and approach the bouncer, a massive Salamander with a storm bolter who eyes you wearily.

"We're here to see Daddy S." You say coolly.

"Big Daddy sees who he wants to see." The bouncer replies.

"Which is us." You state, holding up your badge.

"Good thinking Max." Eight gives you a light, friendly punch on the shoulder. You grin back. Thankfully it worked, or else Chief Vect would be chewing your asses out again for flashing the badge around in unscrupulous places. You don't think you'll ever live down using it to solicit a lap dance...

The pimpest of them all waits for you inside, seated upon his plush leopard print throne.

"Ahhh shit, if it ain't these three clowns 'gain." He smiles, flashing you with his bright whites.

"Daddy S you sonovabitch, I should take you in right now." You fronwn.

"This guy!" He pokes you in the chest and all of you have a good laugh.

"Whatchu need mah brotha?" The head Salamander leans back, resting his hands on his powercane.

"Info." Eight shrugs.

I follow along behind the blonde Eldar. I'm not sure where she's taking me, and frankly I don't really care at this point. Though for some reason I find my vision constantly drifting downward to her rather plump posterior...

"Geez, why I have to help YOU of all people... Gods! Taking care of a mon-keigh..."

"I never asked for this." I frown.

"That doesn't matter! Eshwe ordered this, and I follow her orders!" The blonde keeps dragging me along.

We finally enter a large tent, and even from outside I can smell something quite alluring. It smells like food... Good food...

"Drool much?" Snaps the blonde.

"I'm... Not used to fresh food..." I shrug.

"No? Too used to killing people, I assume."

I stop dead in my tracks, making no effort to mask my furious scowl.

"Shut up." I tell her, none too quietly.

"Whats that? Murderer saying something?" She smirks, knowing she's hit a nerve.

"Shut! UP!" I shove her. It was a reflex, mostly, but I still did it. The Eldar girl gasps in surprise as she teeters before landing on her plump behind.

"J-jerk! Whats the big deal!?" She glares at me.

"Do you think I wanted this?! Any of this?!" I hold out my rifle in disgust, before tossing it aside.


"Do you think I was given some kind of choice? Some kind of rational layout?! I was a fucking kid!" I glare as I chuck my mask into her lap.

"Yeah, I've killed people, plenty of them! Xenos, humans, hundreds! But don't assume, for one damn second, that I EVER wanted this life!"

A lie.


The truth stung more than I'd just perhaps stung her, because it was the truth that ate at me every day.

I enjoyed it. At least a part of me.

The sweet noise of the bolt slamming shut, the calmness of looking through the scope. I don't know if I'd learned to love it, or if it had always been a part of me. It scared me to think about that.

Somewhere, something inside of me, enjoyed the act of death.

I stand, quite unsure of what to do next, until my better instincts take over.

"I'm sorry." I tell her, as I bend down, taking her hand and helping her back to her feet.

"No..." the blonde Eldar girl says quietly, her eyes quite sad as she stares at me, "No I'm the one who should apologize."

She hangs her head, taking my hand in both of hers apologetically.

I stiffen, having not expected this in the slightest.

"I'm blaming you for it, and I know it isn't your fault." She bows even lower, and I can hear a faint tremble in her voice.

I reach out, for some reason, and place my other hand on her shoulder.

"What's your name?" She asks quietly.


The blonde Eldar looks up, her eyes almost completely obscured by the mess of her hair. She smiles.

"I'm Eira."

"Sorry... For making such a scene." I look away from her, too embarrassed at myself for blurting out everything I'd just said. I'd never said any of that, never told anyone. Though some piece of me did enjoy the life I'd been given, another was utterly disgusted by it. I hoped that somehow the former would disappear, I think I could live easier if it did. But I knew, a gnawing in the back of my mind, that it likely never would.

I swallow, perhaps more loudly than I'd hoped. My face feels warm, a sensation I don't think I've ever felt before. Not like this, anyways.

"Do you want to go grab that food?" I ask her, fixated on the way she looks at me as I do.

"Lets." She smiles, and I feel my stomach plummet out from it's cozy position. More nervous than ever, I follow her as she leads me along.

Thread 21[edit]

“Hey, Max.”

You grumble, turning over at the sudden intrusion.

“Get up.” Something hard pokes you in the side.

With no small amount of bitching, griping, and complaining, you wake up. Ailia is standing in front of you, fitted in an apron, a spatula in hand.

“You’re going to miss breakfast.” She smiles.

Yawning, you apologize for being such a hassle as you rise. Something smells quite delicious and despite still being so exhausted, you wouldn’t be able to sleep with that fragrance in the air anyways.

“I have to know, what is that smell?” You ask, scratching at your chest hair. A move that reminds you a surprising amount of your dad when he would rise off the couch from a nap.


“Really? I thought it was tyranids.”

“Don’t joke about… Them.” Ailia retorts with a frown, before turning back to her work.

When you try to peer over her shoulder to see what it is, she pushes you back with the spatula and a giggle.

“No, wait until it’s ready.”

“Bah, fine.” You take a seat at the modest round table. The little crab things swimming around in the tank look somehow familiar, though you can’t quite place why. When you ask Ailia about them, she just shrugs and tells you Kais caught them in a nearby river and thought they would add a bit of life to her room.

A plate finally clinks down in front of you, and mouth drooling you gaze down and see…

“You have got to be squidding me…”

A whole squid, pan fried. Why.

“What? I thought this was supposed to be some kind of human delicacy…” Ailia murmurs, looking quite embarrassed.

“Have you ever, ah… Cooked, before?” You ask after several tense seconds of staring at the still quite raw sea food.

“Well, not anything like this.” Ailia admits.

Did a tentacle just twitch? Or are you seeing things?

Ailia doesn’t seem to notice your trepidation at eating this thing. In fact, she presses close, eyes fixated on you. You know she wants you to eat that. You know she’ll be downright devastated if you don’t.

With no small amount of panic, you pick up a two pronged tau fork and slowly cut off a tentacle. By the Emprah they are wiggly...

The tau girl leans in close to watch you eat as you raise it to your mouth.

"Welp..." You take a bite.

Chew once.

Hey, it surprisingly isn't that bad. You were expecting some kind of horrible tentacle throat rape, but instead you've found delicious seafood.

"Well?" Ailia asks, looking fairly anxious.

"Its actually pretty good." You reach back out for more. After several minutes, you've had about all of it you can eat though.

With a satisfied groan, you push yourself back from the table. Another long yawn, and you walk back over to the bed and flop down.

"You can't go back to sleep, Kais is waiting for you, said its important." Ailia grabs your arm, attempting to pull you back up. You act like you have already passed out, and she can barely get you to budge.

"Come oooonnnnnn! Kais will be mad at me if I get you there late!" She grunts, putting her full force behind a tug, which is still not enough to drag you off the sheets.

You let it go on for a good solid minute or two before relenting. Still yawning, you let her help you into the armor. Before leaving the humble dwelling, you snatch up your axe from its resting place against a chair.

"Where are we headed, exactly?" You mumble, rubbing tiredly at your eyes.

"To go see Kais, duh."

Unable to argue with such sound logic, you just let her lead you along. After a few minutes of walking, she stops you outside a rather large and imposing tent.

"Now remember, be professional." She brushes some unseen dust off of your armor, looks you over, and must like what she sees because she pushes you through the tent opening.


You step inside, and immediately wish you hadn't.

Several dozen pairs of eyes are already staring at you, and several dozen more turn to you as the Ethereals give you quite ponderous looks.

"Is this the one, Shas'O?" A regal looking Ethereal asks, tilting his head to get a better look at you. Now that you look back at him, you realize none of the Ethereals are actually here, each represented by a hologram.

"It is, the chosen of their Emperor." Kais nods, absent his armor.

"Well I wouldn't go that far..." You add modestly.

"So the Imperium wishes for peace at last, does it?" Another Ethereal asks from the back of the group, standing so his hologram stands above the others.

"The Emprah is tired of this drawn out conflict, he wants it to be done with." You nod.

"And why, pray tell Guardsma... Asta... Human. Why would the Tau believe such an offer?"

"I... Ah... Hmm..." To tell the truth, you hadn't expected any kind of difficulty. Though now that you think about it, such tricks aren't beneath some of the less by-the-book troops. Though you doubt the codex astartes supports such actions.

"And your chaos gods, do they truly strive for peace? How are we to believe such a thing, when all they have ever brought to the Tau is war?" The grey prune asks.

"Again, everyone is tired of fighting. Peace for the greater good. Isn't that your saying? What good is more war at this point?" You are fully awake now, and quite alert.

Many Ethereals look around to each other, and you hear faint whispering. Some just sit in silence, stroking their chins as they stare at you. It must seem quite bizarre to them, and when you think about how you look, it really is.

"And how do we know that Chaos is truly going to stick to their word? Many a time we've been met with simple deception in our past dealings."

"The Chaos gods want the fighting to end as well, there are more prosperous goals we can all accomplish united. I've stood in their presence and I'm alive to talk about it today, that should tell you enough."

The doubtful Ethereal scowls, sitting back in his chair, his eyes still fixated on you. Still, you aren't about to back down.

"If the Tau follow you on this plan, if we do commit forces to see it finalized, what then?" The grey asks, interlacing his fingers and staring at you over them.

"Then the galaxy experience something it hasn't in far too long, friend. Peace."

Several Ethereals smile and nod at your words, as though they too have such a vision of the future.

"Peace does not last, human, your own kind seems quite at fault for that as well. Ho..." He's about to continue berating you, until the oldest, saggiest, wrinkliest motherfucker in the room stands up.

"Quite enough, I should think. Still, human, we are going to require much more significant evidence than this..."



No other word can describe what they all feel, standing in awe as they watch.

A lifeless corpse, that is all that had sat there just a few hours prior. The decaying husk of a god.

Now, they watched as life seemed to be pouring into the One seated upon the golden throne. His gaunt face rejuvinated into it's stoic, statuesque visage. Fingers long frozen in place now twitching, moving almost ponderously over the arms of the throne.


"So let us get this straight, you are just going to leave us here?" The psycher asks, adjusting his hat, "You are going to abandon us, with just fifty thousand flavors of snow cone?"

"This guy." The Emperor grins, poking the loudmouth in the rips, and the psycher smiles back.

"But seriously, man, you aren't going to hit one last wave with us?" Another complains, and the Emperor holds up his hands to placate them all.

"Sorry dudes, but you know I've got to take care of this. Don't worry, I can visit again to hit that righteous surf."

The Emperor turns, finally, to those he trusts to keep the place well.

"You guys watch after it, remember to clean the ice machines and all that jazz."

The grey beards nod in unison, they aren't exactly the most vocal bunch...


"Ahhhhh... Wow that was a good rest, but man am I sore!"

The ever expanding crowd almost all have a heart attack as the voice booms throughout the chamber.


The Ethereal jumbles his words to a stuttered halt as something golden and glowing appears by your side.

"Sorry I'm late to the party, Max. You have no idea how hard it was to get away, I guess I'd forgotten everyone would be kinda freaking out and whatnot."

You sigh in relief, and turn to shake your head and grin as the Emperor stands up inside the room.

"Y-you aren't perhaps..." Starts an Ethereal.

"I am, in the flesh, whole once more." The Emperor booms, projecting his power through voice.

"And it is not lightly so, for the reason I've returned is that which this man explained to you. For too long have we spilled blood in naught but a fool's struggle. Though I cannot speak for others, I can guarantee you this. The Imperium of Man will hold fast to its word, peace."

The Ethereals don't seem to know quite what to say. Their faces masks of shock, stunned silence, some blink in disbelief.

"Well, it would be beneath one such as you to lie." The oldest looking Ethereal nods.

"So what you're saying is...?" You ask, tilting your head.

"For the greater good of all!" The Ethereal states with a flourish, "We shall stand as brothers."

Outside the tent, Kais grabs you by the shoulders and gives you a friendly shake, his broad smile alone projecting his glee.

"Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant, you two!" He pumps his massive arm in victory.

"Eh, sometimes you just have to make shit real, man." The Emperor shrugs.

"Hey, are you sticking around?" You ask him, and the Emperor laughs but shakes his head.

"Man, if only I could. No, Terra is freaking the big one so I need to go tell everybody to chill the fuck out because I've got this."

"Ah. Well, I'm not too surprised, really." You shrug. It makes sense, you can only imagine the pandemonium when he first opened his eyes. The collective shit everyone lost when he stood up.

"Yup, so rock on I'll catch ya later." He salutes with his index finger, before teleporting away.

"He picked a good time." You chuckle.

"Hey, so what now Kais?"

"Well, I've got to prepare. With any luck, we'll recieve heavy reinforcements and there is much planning to be done. Ailia is going to have to help me out, and you're welcome to stick around but it will probably be dull work." The Shas'O shrugs.

"...How boring?"

"Hours of dataslate work, drawing up plans, getting logistics in order..."

"Sorry, but I'll pass." You shake your head. You would just get in the way, probably.

Suddenly, in a blaze of golden light, the Emperor's torso appears in front of you. He holds out a stone tablet with some kind of bizarre scrawl on it. The letters glow blue, your head feels light, and there is chanting in your mind. As swiftly as he appeared, so is he gone.

"Well that was... Strange..." You mutter. Kais looks as though he was about to say something, before thinking better of it.

"Hey Max." The Emperor pops his head out from behind you, and you almost trip over yourself.

"Err... Yeah, whats up man?"

"Go tell any forces we have on the planet what's what, I've got to make some calls and shit dude."

"Sure thing."

"Righteous." He pops back into the warp-hole.

Well, that gives you something to do today, at least. Probably better than sitting around here annoying Ailia when she's trying to work. Though that doesn't sound bad, either.

"Hey blueberry, I've got to go. I'm on a mission, from god."

Ailia turns around from her talk with several members of the Earth caste, and runs over to you.

"Whaaa??? Already?! You've barely been around, though!"

"Yeah, I know. Sorry but its kind of important."

Ailia lets out a very comical sigh, putting her hands on her hips. She leans in and frowns.

"Fine, but you'd better make it up to me the next time."

"Will do." With that, and a quick kiss, you head for your bike.

You feel a bit of anticipation at the sight. You haven't even had a chance to really try it out yet, and can't wait to put it through its paces. Mika does good work, and surely that applies to the... Oh fuck.

The bike.

You grimace, remembering Eight punching holes through it with his Exitus rifle.

"Oh Emprah..." You groan. Grey knight or not, there is going to be one pissed of Canoness waiting for you.

Yeah, you can't return without the bike. Which is going to be a problem.

Stopping alongside it, you wince.

Yep, quite a problem.

In fact, you don't even know how you can move it. The engine is shot to hell, chunks and metal bits lying around in the grass...

"Damn, this thing isn't moving any time soon..." You sigh, sitting down and thinking.


"Indee... Hey!" You whip around, and notice Doomrider standing behind you, his flaming skull a devilish grin. He's got his ring on and a shirt over his armor that reads "19-0".

"Doomrider! Whats good man!?" You engage the broshake, which he activates.

"I WAS JUST CHECKING IN, WANTED TO TELL YOU TZEENTCH'S KID IS DOING WELL!" He holds up a photo and you look at the small child. The baby boy is screaming, sparks jetting out from the lights in the background, Tzeentch looking happy but exhausted and the Emperor smiling proudly.

"That's... I'm happy for them."

"SAME. YOU WANT A HAND WITH THIS BIKE?" He jerks his thumb over at it.

"Yes, please. I think I know someone who can help fix it up..."

"Naw, Karen's out wif da boss. Dey's lootin fa moar dakka." The Mekboy shrugs.

In truth, you are just happy they didn't try to kill you when you first arrived. It had seemed like they might, until one Nob recognized you and "krumped dose gits good" to get them to not fill you with bullets.

"Oh... Well I'll have to find her soon. That said, can you give me a hand with this?" You motion over toward the wrecked SoB bike. Doomrider disappeared after parking it, late for a "Pizza orgy."

"Yea, we can git it roight fixed up fer ya."


"Oh... Oh no..." You groan.

The Mekboy and his boyz grin as they park it in front of you. Oh Terra, you should have just told her it was destroyed...

In place of it's bolters, which were never broken in the first place, now rests a kustom shoota and a choppa strapped to a pole. Where once were Imperial symbols are now hastily stamped out Ork ones. The exhaust pipes extend two feet above the bike itself, but not as tall as the giant Ork banner on the back of it.

The engine doesn't even appear repaired. At all. Hell, you can still see the bullet holes that bore right through the engine bloc. Still, somehow the bike is chortling along, spewing black smog from it's pipes.

To top it all off though, the icing on the cake, they've given it a hasty red paint job.

"We fixed it roight up fer ya, loike I said! Roight beutifal she iz!" The Mekboy folds his arms, nodding his head proudly at his work, maybe even tearing up a bit.

"Why why, oh why..." The Orkz don't seem to have heard you.

"D'attle be twe... Twunty... Gah! Lotsa teef, plus tip, 'humie!"

"I uhh... Don't have any?"

The Mekboy frowns, as do his boyz.

"Well den, make sure ya git some an gib em to me lata."

"Right, will do..."

The Orkz hook the bike to the back of yours with some chains. After securing it upright with some training wheels which appear to be made from standard Imperial diner plates, they assure you it's ready to go.

Grimacing at the prospect of showing up with it, you gun your own engine and start the journey to the Soul Sista's headquarters.

The Sororitas are outside the building when you arrive, doing some afternoon practice or something. All eyes turn to you as you ride up, present in tow.

Oh yeah, this is going to go great. You can just tell by the murderous look on the Canoness's face that she absolutely digs her pimped ride. Even Lycheria looks a bit put off, but perhaps more concerned for your safety than anything else.

You finally slow to a stop in front of the group, parking the "Deff Kounty Gitz Kustom Choppah" in front of it's owner, and shutting off your own engine.

Turning to them, you say...

"Problem, Canoness?" You ask, taking a sip out of an Ultramarines mug you gifted from a Blood Ravens rhino along the way. Doing your absolute best to remain entirely calm, as though nothing was out of the ordinary.

The Canoness, apparently, cannot speak.

Her face is a bright purple, and she almost appears to be choking as she splutters and gnashes her teeth. She's got a death-grip on the handle of her flamer, and another on her sword.

"Yo gurl, I heard you like fightin Orkz. So we put Orkz on your bike so you can waagh when you waagh."

That appears to have been the final straw.

"THIS IS WORSE THAN HERESY, THIS IS.... THIS IS SOME KIND OF... I DON'T EVEN KNOW!" She thrusts her sword, which you block with your axe.

"Why you mad, tho?" You ask.

Apparently this triggers some kind of seething fury, because you narrowly avoid another swing, and she is now foaming at the mouth.

"Enough!" You finally shout, using the power of your mind to knock her back slightly, "I'm on a mission from the Emprah."

"Pah!" She spits, "Even if you are some kind of Blood Raven... Grey knight... Commis... To hell with it! To even joke about such a thing is heresy!"

A burst from your own flamer overpowers hers, canceling it out as the jets collide and saving you from a fiery demise.

"Quit playin."

Another flamer battle, and you remain alive.

"You quit playin!"

"GRAHHHH!!!! Why won't you just die like a good little heretic!?"

"Fus Roh Dah!!!!" You send her flying back into her sisters, who catch her.

"I told you, I'm not a heretic. The Emperor has awoken, and sent me here, personally, to inform you of something."

"Hah! As though that were even remotely possible." The Canoness snorts.

Lycheria frowns, her brow furrowing.

"Now that I think about it, I did see some kind of golden pauldron save you the first time we met." She says quietly.

"Exactly, and now I've come here to tell you this. The wars over, Emps is teaming up with the big bad four and any other xeno willing to join us. Malal is on a rampage and needs to be stopped. Are you bad enough bitches to serve the Emperor?"

The Canoness stands back up, seething.

"Even if that were true, you don't have any proof."

"Sure I do." You grin, and hand her the photo with the Emperor's new kid. She pauses, blinks one long blink, and faints.

--- But not before hitting her flamer one last time. You weren't expecting that, and without having any kind of defense, you are incinerated. You can feel your flesh charring and melting, turning black as you howl in agony.

Slapping at the flames, doing your best to try to save yourself, you keep stumbling backwards. No matter how many times you roll, the flames won't go out.

Something gives you a shove, and you are falling...

Right into the water.

"Nani, mai hunny?" Ra'alman sings, stirring up the water in front of your face.

"H-help... Me...." You groan, feeling the life fading from you.

"Well, I guess it can't be helped. I'll just have to use THAT." The fish exclaims exasperatedly.

With one gulp, she swallows you.

Shouting out in agony, you can feel her rough mouth already pulling off the charred outer layer of your skin. She laughs at your pain, as though it bolsters her.

"Don't worry, Max, I'll be sure to take good care of you. You can live forever, down in here <3"

Tentacles lurch out, and begin ripping off your charred flesh as another rips off your codpiece.

"First, we just have to replace this icky body of yours with something better." She sings.

The pain and pleasure mix into some kind of sickly sweet sensation. You've already blasted one gooey mess onto the pile of eggs in front of you, and the tentacles seem to want another. Still more emerge, and start dripping some kind of bioluminescence green gel onto you.

"Don't worry, soon you'll be just like me!" Ra'alman's giggle echos throughout the depths of the vast ocean. ---

Lycheria looks completely shocked by the photo, though her reaction isn't QUITE as extreme as the Canoness's. She sits there, shaking her head of silvery hair in disbelief.

"I mean... How?!" She finally says, doing her best Jags-fan impersonation.

"Don't look at me, I have no idea how god on god snu snu works." You shrug.

"Eww... Not that, I mean how did the Emperor and... HER get together, even?"

"I don't know, actually. Some kind of unrequited love obsession from her, a party in the warp with plenty of booze, shit just happens I guess?"

Lycheria sets the photo down, and rests her head on the table as she closes her eyes.

"I don't even want to know..." She groans.

"And then the big guy just puts his..."


"Into her eye of..."



Lycheria sighs, before getting up and grabbing out a tea set. She gets busy making some up while you watch.

"So this is all for real? We're actually going to be teaming up w-with... Chaos?" She looks as though that whole phrase nearly made her vomit.

"Hey now, they really aren't terrible. To be honest, Nurgle is kind of a bro, Tzeentch is at least polite, Khorne is a great coach and has a soft spot. Slaanesh grabbed my... Well you don't need to hear about that."

You take a sip of the tea out of the Ultramarines mug as Lycheria looks at you, her gaze betraying the fact that she does indeed want you to finish that sentence. Tough for her, it isn't something you want to remember.

She sighs after a long moment that tells her you are not going to continue that story. Resting her forehead on the table, she closes her eyes as though trying to sleep.

"I want you to pinch me, because I'm clearly stuck inside some kind of terrible, terrible nightmare." She groans.

"Sorry, but its no nightmare. Besides, I really don't think you'll find them too bad to be honest. Most of them are crazy, but in sort of a good way." You shrug.

Lycheria rotates her head to give you a good long stare, and you rest your own head down on the table.

"But now who am I supposed to fry?" She complains.

"Huh? Well I'm betting Malal still has some kind of legion of his own, so probably those guys."

"Oh, right. Well, that's something, at least." She sighs, closing her eyes. You'd forgotten just how cute she is.

"Yeah well, we don't have to worry about that quite yet, so lets do something fun." You grin.

"What did you have in mind?" She asks, looking as though she's about to go to sleep.

With a pained groan, you peel your eyes open, wincing at the bright morning sky.

"O-oww..." Lycheria mumbles as she sits up next to you, her eyes clamped shut as she rubs a bump on her head.

"Where are we?" You look around with squinted eyes. Wherever you wound up, you certainly aren't in SoB territory anymore.

The Ork bike is next to you, so you use it to help you stand up and then lean on it for support.

"Oh, I'm still drunk, I think..." You sigh, quite annoyed at that.

"So what, that isn't important. What I want to know is, why am I naked and covered in marinara? Your junk is, too." She notices.

You blink, look down, take in the sight, look back up, and blink again.

"So it is." You confirm.

"Hey uh, Max. Where are we, exactly?" She asks, looking around.

You scan the surroundings as well, and it all looks quite foreign to you. Though you may be drunk, you don't think you've been here before. Probably.

"I don't know, but lets get cleaned up before we figure that out. My junk smells like garlic." You pick up your discarded codpiece and set out to find some source of water.

A nearby stream serves well in cleaning yourself up, which you do by falling face-first into it.

"Completely intentional." You inform Lycheria, who looks dubious about that.

She jumps in as well, and despite your half-drunken morning stupor, you must be leering too hard because she splashes you playfully.

"Your antics have only served to jiggle your "sisters" even further, I am aroused." You tell her in a robotic tone.

"Get dressed." She says despite laughing.

The two of you now clothed again, its probably high time to head back. Though that will be a problem, as you don't know which way back is.

"Oh wait, I'll just check my communicatus device, it can show me the whey."

You whip out the gadget...

You grin, an evil idea having somehow breached the surface of the vodka-lake that is your current mind. Something tells you its a decidedly BAD idea, but vodka say "IT IS BEST IDEA, OF GLORIOUS SOVIET COMRADE! YOU NOT LIKE VODKA IDEA? PERHAPS YOU MIX WITH SOME JUICE AND MAKE AMERICA SHIT DRINK, PERHAPS YOU NOT MAN ENOUGH FOR VODKA STRAIGHT?"

"I'm man enough." You frown.

"Huh?" Lycheria inquires, an eyebrow raised.

"Quiet you sexy woman, I'm werkin on sumfing."

"Cool, I'm going to go back to sleep. Wake me up when you find out where we are, or something fried and greasy, preferably both."


"SHHH, I'm doing it, I'm doing it. God you're an annoying inner monologue."

You finally get the number punched in, having picked it up from some paper that wound up in your pocket at your last meeting with Tonya.

"Muhahahahaha, Gentleman, behold!"

"Quiet, you, its ringing." You frown at the voices.

"H-hello?" A quiet voice with a slightly robotic melody.

"Hey baby, what are you wearing?"

"OH?! Mmmm, Lolita black lace, I'll be the little girl just for you."


"We shall show those sons of whores what true power is, let us disembark upon the path of glory for the motherland!" Tonya shouts back, much to your surprise.

"Comrade Anushka, I am needing more of the vodka drink."

"I will procure some for you, that we may win this war."

A click and the line goes dead.

What the fuck just happened? Did she just play along with you? Hmm, you check the conversation log and notice it went on for exactly 60 seconds. Strange.

Ah well, you are feeling adventurous. With a giddy grin you dial in Helena's number. Sure it may be like 4:45 am on her planet, but fuck her she used to make you get up to take out the trash.

"...Max?" Helena yawns.

"Comrade sister, have you started making baby for motherland?"

"I... What?"

"Is all quiet on western front? Is pig dog NATO cowering like bitch?"

"...You've been drinking, haven't you."

"I sing for you, great song of motherland, to awaken fighting spirit."

"Yeah, yeah you're drunk." She manages, but you barely hear it as you belt out lines of gibberish to the tune of the soviet anthem.

"Max, enough! What the fuck was with that letter, what the fuck were you even talking about?"

"I cannot talk now, comrade sister, I am on blessed mission from most divine Emperor."

Helena screams in frustration, and you can tell she's quite annoyed with you at the moment.

"Are you angered, comrade?"

Another torrent of very select words and your ear piece whines in protest. She might even have Esh rivaled in that regard.

"Enough with the accent, just tell me what the fuck is going on already!"

By the time you've finished your drunken recollection of events, a good hour has passed. Lycheria is snoozing with her mouth open, your hat over her eyes to block the sun. Helena is oddly silent.

"Wow, you've really gotten yourself into some shit, eh?"

"Yeah, you know me. If there aren't guns, constant fear of death, and several pairs of tits its no party I'm attending."

Helena sighs, and leaves her tent.

"Yeah, you haven't changed at all." She groans.

"Did you honestly expect I would?"

"No. The whole of the Imperium would change before you would, and apparently that is actually happening soooo..."

"Meh. How have you been, still slobbing Sarah's big knockers every night? Ask her if she wants another round from me, wont you."

"Ask her yourself! And no, I haven't been, well, not as much anyways."

You sit up at these words, if she's not lezzing out all day err dae with Sarah, something is WRONG.

"What did you do? Or who? Whats his, hers, its name? ...You aren't fucking Slaanesh are you? Because I totally called dibs on that first."

"Wha...?! Gross... I've been, ah... Seeing someone."

This is relevant to your interests.

"Whats her name?"


"Ah, I see. Though I always took you for the butch of the pair, not the other way around."

"Frederick is a MAN, asshole..."

"Whatever you have to tell yourself I guess?"

"Fuck you, jerk." Helena retorts.

"Anyways, I've got to go. I have a hot sister of battle jumping up and down in panic, waving and screaming at me."


"I think she wants my co..."

"Call me when you sober up!" Helena hangs up abruptly, but you've already started pressing buttons.



“I demand you to examine my plasma cannon and see that it is fully repaired… also I need you to run a system scan in my computer mainframe.”

You hang up quickly. Who the fuck did you just dial?

Ah well, you head over to see why Lycheria is jumping around pointing off into the distan...

Oh god it's Abbadon.

"Get on the bike, get on the biikkkkeeee!!!!" Lycheria howls at you, and you clumsily sprint over to her.

"Where the fuck did he come from?" You ask, watching the Chaos warmaster closing in on a bike of his own.

"I don't know! Just gun it!"

You turn the starter knob and...


"FUCK!" You try it again, still nothing.

"Start ya git or I'll krump ya gud!" You yell, slamming your bolt pistol down into the bike's dash.

With a furious rumble, it actually turns over!

"go Go GO GOOOOOOO!!!!!" Lycheria smacks her fist into your back.

You wrench the handle back as had and as fast as you can. The bike explodes into speed.

"Dats da goodun fah dis race boss!" A gretchin pops out of the front wheelwell with a wrench, cackling as he climbs up and points at a red button.

"Sod off ya git, any Nob knows dat!" You toss him off of the bike into the stream and press the button.

With a scream, the engine is injected with pure fightan juice, and what you thought was fast is now redefined. The bike is clocking at such a breakneck speed you can barely hang on, let alone control it.

Despite this, Abbadon is still hot on your heels.

"How the fuck...?! Get the fuck out of here you ass!" You shout back at him, winging the empty bottle of vodka. It smacks him in the face and he lets out a pained yell, but it doesn't deter him.

"Press it again, press it again!" Lycheria yells as Abbadon moves even closer, his front wheel nearly at the back of your own. He's started firing his front bolters, and you have to swerve out of the way to avoid their raking fire.

Telling caution to take two steps back and fuck his own face, you spam the red button as fast and as hard as you can.

Again the engine is injected, and again it puts on the speed. Only this time, you keep the button held down. You don't know if it's Orky construction can keep going without exploding, but if you let up you are going to get killed.

Abbadon's tires seem to be leaking some kind of black haze, and you don't have to be a genius, though you totally are, to figure out Malal has something to do with it.

The engine is whining and sputtering, but it's keeping its speed. Can it hold out, though? Abbadon is falling behind, but you don't have enough of a lead yet. You are going to have to do something to get out of this mess.

You jam the brakes and skid the bike to a stop, as hard as you can.

"Max, what are you doing!?"

"HAhahaha, giving up so easily mortal dog? Huh, whats that? You want me to make you feel good with my hand? Well, alright."

"I'll make you feel good!" Abbadon strokes Max's Inquisitor!

Max takes 50 damage!

"I'll make you enjoy my hand." Abbadon's hand clamps tightly!

Max takes 65 damage!

"Hah! At your limit already?! Fine then, cum in my hand!" Abbadon's fist moves fast!

Max takes 85 damage!

"I-I'm cumminnggg!!!!"

  • Splurt splurt*

"Hahaha, I'll make you my sex slave now!"

"N-no! You cant! Not theeerrreeee!!!!!!"

Ilias: "Did you enjoy being made to cum by the warmaster? Honestly, such a pathetic hero to give in to something like that! He's too strong to take in a frontal engagement, use your psychic powers to give you the edge. Go now, brave Max, and defeat that daemon for me!"

"Od Ah Viing!!!"

Your words of power echo across the desolate landscape, rippling across the nearby ocean as waves across the surface.

A furious, echoing screech resounds throughout the galaxy. Men are awakened in their homes, babies scream, worlds quake.

The great void dragon, already awoken by you earlier, now summoned to your aid.

A massive gash opens in the earth between you and Abbadon, and the warmaster is forced to skid to a stop, and ultimately abandon his bike as it goes sailing off the edge.

Its work done, the void dragon screams once again, before returning to it's home within Mars.

"What the fuck just happened?" Lycheria asks.

"I don't know, but I've got a massive erection."

You gun the waaghbike again, and build up some speed. Surely Abbadon can't just run after you, but its probably best to be safe and just get as far away as you can.

Lycheria clings to you as you ride, though the armor-on-armor kind of ruins the experience.

"Which way?" You call back to her, and Lycheria looks around for any recognizable landmark.

"There!" She shouts, pointing at a jagged mountain in the distance.

"I know the HQ is east of that, so just head toward the mountain and we'll figure the rest out from there!"

"Got it." You crank up the speed again, bumping and skidding across the difficult terrain. Finally you hit a road and can really pick up the pace.

The Ork bike does its job pretty well, you have to admit. Especially considering it shouldn't actually run.

Thread 22[edit]

The engine revs underneath you, despite being riddled with holes courtesy of Eight and his Exitus rifle. Marvel the Orks are, however, it is somehow still propelling the bike along at a decent clip. Shame Karen didn’t have anything to do with it, she seems like she’d have made it even better somehow. Maybe you’ll haul some destroyed vehicle to her the next time you decide to head that way.

Lycheria is settled in on the rear, you’ve just escaped Abbadon, everything is going right. As right as your days ever go, anyways.

“How does that guy keep popping back up for more, anyways?” Lycheria ponders, though not letting go of you as the bike jerks and bounces from a rock.

“Eh? Abbadon? Gigantic inferiority complex.”


“Maybe, who knows?” You shrug.

You push the looted bike harder, wringing out every bit of speed as you sail across the plain opening up. It may just be mud and grassland, but you really get screaming across it on the Orkish special.

Daylight turns to dusk as the ride continues. Lycheria shifts around uncomfortably in the seat, and you have to admit you are feeling the effects of the ride as well. You really went a long ways last night.

After what feels like another few hours, you finally arrive back at the Sister’s HQ.

And shit has hit the fan.

“Faster, Sisters! We’ve not much time!” The Canoness shouts, apparently having forgotten her fainting spell.

All around, Sororitas are in a mad rush. They are piling into vehicles, snatching up flamers and bolters, checking their chainswords one last time.

“Canoness, what’s going on?!” Lycheria shouts as she dashes over to see what all the fuss is about.

“Hmph! Didn’t think you were coming back! Should punish you for this, but we haven’t time!” The Canonness frowns at Lycheria, and outright GLARES at you.

The older Sister herself is already walking toward a Land Raider, flamer in one hand and chainsword in the other. “So, what exactly is going on?” You ask, downright confused. Blame the massive hangover creeping in.

“Nothing of your concern, Inquisitor matters, Grey Commissar.” The Canonness huffs.

“Bitch, I am the Inquisition, don’t you see this flashy assed outfit? Now tell me what’s going down.” You fold your arms and block her path.

“Ugh, whelp! If you must know, a massive contingent of Guardsmen is arriving today. We’ve been tasked to clear their landing zone of any enemy presence.”

You falter slightly, you hadn’t expected reinforcements, not this soon anyways. That means they are coming from a nearby planet, which means…

“Helena…” You can’t help but grin maliciously.


“Dumb sister of mine. Anyways, I’ll assist you with the operation.” You tell the Canonness straight up.

“Hell no.” She retorts.

“As though you have a choice.” You >imply, tapping your armor with your axe.

“Tsk, fine! Just stay the fuck out of my way!” With that, the Cannoness storms off and almost charges into the rear entrance of the Raider. Other sisters have to lurch out of her way to avoid being plowed over.

“Knight!” She calls back at you as her tank starts firing up and going through pre-mission litanies complete with incense, “You’ve got an assassin waiting for you inside!”

“Assassin?” Lycheria looks at you dubiously.

“A friend.” You assure her as you head inside.

Sure enough, Eight is waiting for you inside. Unlike the Tau who seemed so welcoming, the Sisters seem to be going out of their way to avoid him at any cost. They walk on the farthest side of the hallway that they can, never stepping within ten feet of the desk Eight sits on.

“Hey, what’s up with that?” You ask, quite honestly puzzled.

“Well… Even Sororitas have been accused of heresy, and sometimes if it’s a powerful one, the Inquisition… They just deal with her, quietly. It’s not like one could know directly, but the corpse left behind makes it fairly obvious.”

Even Lycheria hesitates noticeably when she draws closer to the young Assassin, who doesn’t seem to notice or care that everyone but you is avoiding him like he may explode at any moment.

“Hey kid, what’s happening?” You grin, but your smile falters when you notice Eight being more morose than his usual self.

“What’s up?”

“I’d prefer we talk alone.” He glances over at Lycheria, who stifles.

“Relax, she’s cool. What do you need?” You ask, leaning on the power axe.

Eight produces a small envelope and extends it out, you take it without thinking it through.

“What’s this then?” You look at the white sealed envelope, unmarked but for the “VIII” hastily scrawled across the front. Its deceptively plain.

“I’ve got something I need to take care of. If I don’t return…” Eight nods at the envelope in your hand, “I want you to please bury that on Catachan, if you ever wind up there. If you don’t… Then burn it.”

The envelope in your hand, light as a feather, now feels as though it weighs a ton.

“What is this?” You finally ask.

“The only things I own.” Eight states simply.

It’s not like it would be appropriate, but you have the urge to open it and see its contents for yourself. At the same time, you are struggling on what exactly to do.

“So where are you going? I mean you’ve…”

“Like I said, something I have to take care of.”

“Well I’m pretty much free, let me…”

“Something *I* have to take care of. Sorry, Max, but I can’t take you with me on this.” Eight frowns deeper.

“Well you can at least tell me where you’re headed.”

Eight cocks his head, his eyes boring into your own.

“I’m not foolish, if I do that you’ll just follow me regardless.” He shakes his head.

Well, kid’s got a point…

“Not a good enough excuse kid, now spill the beans.” Eight’s brow furrows.

“It’s nothing I can’t handle.”

“Yeah so you’ve said. Doesn’t mean I’m about to let my friend hand me something like THIS and run off to Emprah knows where.” You wave your mechanical arm for emphasis.

“You aren’t going to let me leave are you…?” Eight sighs.

“Not until I find out exactly what’s going on.” You grin.

Sure he could try to slip past you, but in this narrowish hallway you could likely grab him before he could escape. He may be a tough sonovabitch but he's not tough enough to escape a power armor bear hug.

A long moment passes, before Eight finally nods.

“Alright, I’ll tell you. But if I do, you promise to take that envelope.”

“Fair enough.” You put the envelope gently into one of the pouches on your belt.

“Now,” You take a seat on another desk, facing Eight, “Where are you headed?”

Eight takes a long moment to fish out a cigarette, and gestures for a particularly young Sororita to come over to him. She looks entirely hesitant, but he insists with another wave of his hand. The girl approaches, flamer at the ready though she’s trying to not make it completely obvious.

Eight leans down as she draws near, right down to her flamer. The girl is visibly trembling now, and you wonder just how shaken this assassin in their midst really has them. Eight uses the pilot light of her flamer to light up, smiles, and watches for a moment as she slinks back with a calculating stare.

“You know anything about the Ordo I belong to? About Vindicare?” He asks, exhaling a plume of smoke.

“A little.” You admit. Not exactly something you are studied up on.

“Well the Ordo doesn’t exactly… Take kindly, to those who try to leave it.” Eight shifts on the desk.

“Which means?”

“A kill team.” He says flatly.

“A what now?”

“They aren’t about to let me go, Max. The Emperor himself could tell them to, and they would still follow the code of the Ordo, if quietly. That man you met earlier was just here to affirm my status, and unfortunately must have made a broadcast.”

Eight pulls out a small dataslate and hands it to you. On the small screen you can see what appears to be the outline of a ship, though the photo was taken at night.

“Is that a small landing craft or something?” You ask, tilting the screen around, trying to get a better view.


“Full of other assassins?”

“At least half a dozen, all of them ranking members within the Ordo… Former instructors of mine, mostly.” Eight flicks ash onto the desk.

“All the more reason I can’t let you go alone.” You tell him, sitting up to the full height of the power armor.

“What makes you think you could even get close to them?” Eight asks flatly.

“Well I mean… Errr…”

“Max, you’re a good fighter, but this isn’t going to be a fight. They would kill you before you ever even saw them.”

“Hey now, I don’t mean to brag but you didn’t kill me outright.”

“I don’t mean to dismiss you as a warrior, but I had some kind of malfunction with my scope, some kind of inner glare inside of it. Nothing I’ve ever seen before.”

“Oh…” You pause, wondering what would have happened had this not been the case.

“And these aren’t Vindicare out on their first mission alone, these guys are all veterans.”

“So what makes you think YOU stand a chance?!” You blurt out.

Eight pauses, as though not having expected such a question. He takes another long draw and leans back.

“Like I said, they are former instructors of mine mostly. They’ve taught me everything I know, and most of them are getting quite old, for a Vindicare. I’ll stand a good chance so long as I get them all in one go, before they can split up.”

“…And if you don’t?” You ask with a frown, “What happens if they get a chance to split up?”

“Well… Then things get complicated.” Eight nods, flicking the butt into a nearby trashcan.

Before you can ask anything else, Lycheria presses her finger to her ear and appears to be listening intently. Her face darkens and her gaze falls to you.

“Understood.” She states.

“Something up?” You ask, while still trying to come up with something more to ask Eight.

“Yeah, you could say that. The Guard need a place to land, now. Apparently they are encountering some massive resistance in the air, I guess Malal’s legion has more fighter craft than anyone expected.”

It feels like you swallowed a rock.

“Did they mention anything about the tank battalions?”

“Nothing, but apparently Creed has gotten them through the worst of it. Now they just have to land, and there’s a whole damn legion setup on the field below them, apparently.”

You jump off of the desk, snatching up your axe as you do. Though with a flash of realization, you hesitate, and turn to Eight.

“Can you wait until this is over?”

Eight shakes his head.

“If I do that, they will have split up, and if half a dozen Vindicare split up and want the same target dead… Well, it’s going to happen.”

“Max,” Lycheria looks worried, her finger back against her ear, “The landing craft were going to try to break off and find somewhere else to land, but too many of their ships are shot up and wouldn’t make it. The orbital bombardment was blocked by some kind of… Field, I guess. If someone doesn’t clear out these chaos troops…”

“Got it.” You tell her.

“Don’t worry about me, I’ve got a plan. Your sister and Guard need you, I don’t.” Eight states as he slides off the desk and hefts his rifle.

Now, you’ve got a choice to make.

You’ve got enough juice left in your communicator for two calls. Should have tossed the thing in a fire to give it a charge, but you’ve been busy. Also you forgot…

That means you can get some help together, for both you, and maybe someone to at least try to watch Eight’s back for you. You know he’ll slip any kind of direct support, but surely someone could at least watch him without him knowing. Maybe.

Who do you call in to support you? For Eight?

“Alright man, but you had better come back, hear me?” Eight nods, before turning to go.

What you didn’t tell him is that you are going to try to get him someone to at least watch his back, whether or not he wants it.

You and Lycheria head off to a different part of the structure as you dial your communicator.


“Hey Mika, what are you up to today?”

“M-me? Well I mean… I-I was going to maybe work on something with SLaDOS…”

“Can you hold off on that? I need your help.”

You explain the situation to her, and Mika seems quite startled by the news as her stammering only grows worse the more nervous she gets.

“So you’ll help?”

“O-of course! I’ve g-got a little s-s-surprise for them, actually! And Rex is in t-top shape!” Mika seems quite fired up.

“Great, meet us there!”

That call complete, you dial again.

“Max? Need something?” Esh sounds quite busy, lots of background noise.

“Yeah, it’s about my assassin buddy actually. He’s headed off on his own and doesn’t want any help, so naturally I want someone to help him by at least being there in case shit goes south.”

“Oh? A support team?” Esh inquires.

“Something like that, yeah.”

A flurry of activity in the background, and you hear Esh yelling something angrily, which is followed by more shouting.

“Everything alright?”

“Just peachy, I’m trying to get these retards to quit being so stuck up and stubborn and listen to what your Emperor is saying. As much as I love my craftworld, a real planet is a nice thing to have.”

“So… You’ll help him out?”

Esh sighs, loudly, and must have turned away from the conversation because the level of background noise dies down.

“I’ll send someone, I’m far too busy at the moment, Max.”


Lycheria looks anxious as you finish the call, and you pause to give her a look.


“Consorting with xenos….” She huffs.

“I’d be dead if it wasn’t for them. Besides, Emps thinks they are chill and that’s good enough for me.”

You grin at her reaction as she grumbles but nods.

“Anyways, we’d better get going or we’ll miss the good parts of the fight!” Despite yourself, you can’t help but feel a bit excited at the prospects. Has this whole thing changed you that much? It wasn’t too long ago that you think you would have gladly shirked out of something like this.

“Indeed, so quit wasting time and book it!” Lycheria regains some of her mojo and sprints out the exit, headed toward the other Sororitas who have begun to depart.

You burst through the doors as well, the heavy metal moving aside effortlessly with the strength of your armor.

Settling onto the bike Mika hooked up for you, the engine fires up and Lycheria pulls up alongside you on a bike of her own.

Wait… No you recognize that bike…

“That’s the Canonesses!” You shout accusingly as you point toward it, "She got a new one?!"

“Just arrived this morning... And relax, she’s in the landraider so she didn't need it. Besides, I’ll bring it back.” Lycheria says coyly, waving off your comments.

The two of you rev up and head out. The ride behind the tracked vehicles is far too dusty, and soon you’ve moved up ahead of the pack, joining a contingent of other Sororita bikers. The rowdy bunch clamor for a fight, and you recognize a few you’ve had… Relations, with.

As you draw nearer the landing zone, you can already tell… This is going to be one hell of a fight.

The Chaos ground forces are busying themselves spraying wildly into the air with everything they’ve got. Red tracers arc into the sky toward assorted Imperial fighter craft, already engaged with Chaos air assets. Above them all are dozens of Guard landing craft, many with smoking engines or other damage visible from the ground.

Several, you notice, are spiraling out of control, headed for the ground.

All you can do is hope that Helena isn’t on one of those. “Come Sisters, we need to take out their guns to clear the skies!” Lycheria shouts, raising her chainsword above her head and beginning some kind of Sororita chant, which the other bikers pick up on.


You just yell, crank the throttle, and pray these plasma guns work.

Chaos marines turn to face the charging horde of the Sisters and yourself, leveling heavy weapons. It may have been a poor idea to just go charging at them, but it’s too late to do anything now.

A massive boom and muzzle flash from your right.

Through the forest, trees crashing down in his wake, comes Rex. His main cannon blasting away, side guns beginning to engage as well. The Chaos troops are forced to split up their fire.

If they were even given a chance to fire.

A recognizable bolt of plasma arcs toward the Chaos lines from behind Rex. Something looms from beside Rex, another massive tank.

“S-sorry I’m late!” Mika exclaims through the battle channel. You don’t have time to answer her before your line of bikes makes contact with the Chaos troops.

Mashing at the trigger button, the plasma guns on the bike erupt into fire that rakes across several Chaos Marines in front of you. Even their black and white power armor doesn’t stand up to the assault, and several fall.

Too close for the guns now, you grab your axe from behind you and heft it above your head.

With a satisfying crunch, it burrows through the helmet of another Chaos marine as you swing it on a pass. The Sororitas behind you are engaged as well, and you hear the gurgling roar of chainswords meeting their marks and pained yells as flamers engulf others. Lycheria is praising the Emperor even as she barrels over a Chaos marine with her bike.

Thankfully, the two tanks coming up on your rear prove to be more than just a distraction. Rex is hammering away at the Chaos positions, most of their munitions simply bouncing off of his hardened armor.

“Mika, what tank are you in anyways?” You call out on the comm.

“The s-stormblade! I’ve been fixing it up after R-Rex found her!” Mika yells excitedly even as she obliterates a group of Chaos Terminators with the blastgun.

“Good call, I dig it!” You laugh, though it’s cut short when you are forced to duck to avoid a chainaxe.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see Lycheria being tossed from the bike as a Chaos marine kicks it over, his boot on the front tire. You won’t be able to turn your own bike around in time, so you leap for it.

The jump carries you over several traitor guard, and you drop them a nice surprise in the form of a frag grenade.

With a roll you land, slashing out with the axe. The arcing swing slices easily through yet more traitors, and Lycheria is back on her feet and letting loose with the flamer in her hand. “Thanks for the save!” She shouts over the din of battle.

“Don’t mention it! We need to link back up with your girls, we’re too far out!”

It’s true, you are too deep into Chaos lines with no support nearby. The two massive tanks are getting bogged down by more and more heavy weapons as the Chaos marines turn to deal with them, and are being forced to hang back and rely on their heavy frontal armor, while keeping their sides and rear safe.

“Going somewhere Max!? I should think you would stay a while, after all, we have a lot of catching up to do, you and I!” A voice all to recognizable from behind you as you and Lycheria try to fight back to friendly forces.

“Fuck you Abbadon, how many times do I have to beat you before you learn!?” You shout back to him.

“We shall see how well you fare without any tricks, worm!”

Bolter rounds slam into your back, thankfully stopped by your armor.

You stop, and turn around to face the warmaster.

“Max, what are you doing?! We need to get out of here!” Lycheria shouts, having opened up a line back to her friends.

“Go! I’ll catch up! But first, I’ve got to settle this.” You glare at Abbadon. You are really, really tired of putting up with his shit.

The Chaos marines stop attacking, forming a circle around you and Abbadon. The towering figure in power armor has a wicked grin across his scarred features. He’s enjoying this. Something you plan to put a stop to.

“We’re going to settle this, once and for all.” You tell him, and both of you approach the other. Despite your own power armor, you are still craning your neck to look up at his face.

“Will we, eh? I’ll feel settled when I’ve adorned my armor with your skull, maggot.” He spits furiously.

You notice he has a sword much like the one you saw Horus wield, as well as a lighting claw of some ancient make. He’s going to be tough to take on in close quarters.

At the same time, given the small proximity of the area the Chaos marines are giving you to fight, you aren’t going to be able to rely completely on your ranged abilities, either.

Without warning, Abbadon slashes out with his sword. It’s all you can do to step back and block the blow with the blade of the axe. The force of it knocking you back slightly.

Abbadon laughs, he knows he has the advantage here. Hell, you know he has the advantage here. That doesn’t mean you are going to duck out and run now.

He doesn’t expect the plasma cannon surprise attack, you made it seem as though you were getting ready to come at him with the axe. Still, the shot only catches him in the side and seems to do little to his terminator armor.

Though it seems to have pissed him right off.

The warmaster attempts to rake you with his claws, comes again with the sword… You are forced to fall back, along the edge of the encircling Chaos marines, who shove you forward roughly. Under the furious assault, you draw out the blade Nurlge gifted you, hoping the Sisters aren’t seeing you doing so.

Catching Abbadon’s sword with your axe, you step in and thrust with the corrupted blade of the sword. The warmaster seems to recognize the danger of this new weapon, however, and quickly backs away. Both of you continue to circle as he eyes the plaguesword.

Rustling up your ji… Mind powers, you summon as much energy as you can muster.


You aren’t sure if time slows, or if you speed up. Either way, it seems as though you move effortlessly while everything around you is stuck almost in a standstill.

Which gives you more than enough opportunity to lash out with your axe.

The blade carves into Abbadon’s frontal armor, and despite its toughness, the axe is sinking in. Abbadon’s face is slowly turning to panic rather than fury, and his lightning claws are coming in at you.

Wrenching the axe out at the last minute, you duck out of the way of the claws and roll backwards. Breathing heavily, you can barely get back onto your feet. Your head hurts. That much power must be more than you’re able to sustain at the moment.

Despite the wound in his chest, Abbadon doesn’t seem fazed.

Knocking aside yet another attack, your arms feeling quite noticeably weaker, you activate your comm.

“Creed you old bastard, I know you’ve got something up your sleeve and I know you’ve got a plan but I need it now damn it!” As though on cue, the ground beneath you starts to tremble. What you had thought were low hills around you, were in fact, something quite different.


A dozen baneblades.

“Holy shit, how did you get this many?!” You shout. Abbadon isn’t letting up, his strikes becoming faster and more furious at the appearance of the new threat.

Mika and Rex are pressing forward with the new massive tank assault, the Chaos forces numbering too few and too lightly armed to deal with so many. They seem on the edge of retreat.

And that…Is when the drop-pods start falling

Blue and white drops pods.

…With gold trim.

“Oh fuck no!” You howl.

Abbadon steps back, looking around at the pods crashing into the dirt as well as Chaos marines. He must have decided it wasn’t worth sticking around.

“When this final battle is upon us, fool, you and I shall stand and fight alone!” He glares, before stepping through a warp hole.

“You fucking coward! I had you!” You cry after him, and Abbadon sneers as he disappears and the warp hole closes. All at once, the drop pod doors fly open.


Thousands of doves.

The Chaos marines try to shoot at the Partridges as they depart the pods, but find themselves quite unable. The white birds are swarming everywhere in their attempt to fly. The Chaos marines are slapping at them, trying to brush them aside to get a clear shot. Any round they do fire just falls short, caught up in the flurry of feathers.

Which leaves the remaining Chaos forces quite exposed to the newcomers…

“Ah, nothing like fresh glory in the morning.” Harry grins as he steps onto the battlefield, lazily shooting a nearby Chaos marine as he struggles to get the doves out of his face.

He sticks a Partridge flag into the head of the Bloodletter that his drop pod landed on, crushing it’s skull.

“Thank the Emprah! The Partridges save us all!” A Sororita shouts, her face one of complete and utter infatuation.

The Egomancers all grin, their work already taking effect.

“All in a day’s work for us, I assure you dear Sister.” Harry takes a drink out of his space wolves mug, his beaming smile belaying his happiness.

“Hey man, should we…”

“Dude, DON’T go in there! Are you fuckin’ crazy or somethin?”

“But we-“

“NO! You know how pissed old man Creed is going to be?”

“H-huh? Pissed about what? I’m just glad the Galactic Partridges came to our rescue.”

“Yeah, me too. What were we talking about again?”

Creed puffs on his cigar as he watches the screen, eyes glued to what he hoped he wouldn’t see.

“Fuck.” Is all he says.

Logan Grimnar slams his fist into the wall of his ship, repeatedly. He had been planning on entering the fray first, providing the Sisters some aid and splitting the Chaos forces.

Unfortunately, somehow, none of his drop pods were functioning.

“It just doesn’t make any sense, the odds of them all going out at the same time…” The tech marine shrugs, quite baffled.

"Can you get them up in time to make it down there at all?" One of Logan's retinue asks, his voice gruff and angry.

"Sorry, it's going to take some time I'm afraid." The Tech marine shakes his head.

Logan doesn’t say anything, if he opens his mouth he will probably just scream.


He LOATHES Partridges.

As the doves finally clear, you see that the fight is over. They may have arrived late. REALLY late. But the Partridges have polished off the last of the Chaos forces and are now busying themselves erecting banners and statues. There is already a crew filming it and reporters from every Imperial channel commentating on the glorious victory the Partridges had here today.

With a dejected sigh, you sheath your sword and hang the axe at your side. While you want to confront Harry, call him out on his shit, you know it would be pointless. You can feel the power resonating from the Egomancers, and despite your own mind kung-fu, you can’t compete with this many of them. At least you’ve got one thing to look forward to, or you hope you do anyways.

“You there, Guardsmen!” You shout, pointing at a group freshly emerged from a landing ship.

“S-sir!? Knight… Commissar? Sir?” Their Sergeant tosses a very confused salute.

“I’m looking for the tank battalions, tell me where I can find the Russ’s at.”

The befuddled guard lead you through the craft as they continue to land. You look over your shoulder and see Lycheria perched atop a landraider, scanning the battlefield. She spots you and jumps excitedly, waving. You wave back to let her know you saw her, and continue on.

“Right here, sir!” They stop outside a few dozen ships.

Sure enough, meeting up in the middle of their dropped ramps, is the Russ division.

Wasting no more time, you rush out into the center of the pack. Spinning around, you search each face, desperately seeking to find her.

“Hah, didja think I’d get taken out before I could even land?” A sarcastic voice.

“Pfft, if I hadn’t come to your rescue you wouldn’t have had a chance!”

Despite yourself, you grab Helena around the middle in a bear hug, lifting her off of her feet.

“T-tooo hard…!” She gasps, and you set her back down where she rubs her sides and looks annoyed.

“Whatever you wuss, man the fuck up. And you! Tits McGee! Get on out here so I can ogle you!” You shout at Sarah’s head which is poking out through a hatch on their tank.

“Fuck you.” She states blandly.

“Round two? Name a time and place girl.”

“Asshole…” The busty girl mutters, dropping back down into the vehicle.

Helena appears to be looking around now, much as you had been just a few moments ago.

“Sorry, I don’t think they have vibrators of your required girth on this planet.”

“Shut up! I’m trying to find someone!” She storms off toward an officer barking orders.

You follow along, not quite sure where she’s going with this. “Hey, where did the tech-priests land at? I only see about half of them here.” She asks the officer, who looks as though he was about to tell her off before he spotted you walking up beside her.

“The tech priests took the brunt of the assault on the descent, this is the lot of them.” He says gruffly, before turning back to his work.

“Frederick…” Helena whispers, her face pale.

“Huh?” You help her to the ground as her legs falter. Tears flow down her usually teasing and happy face. It’s a rare day that you see your sister cry, and never something you like to see, no matter how annoying she can be at times.

You don’t know what to say, but you hope maybe the Sisters can help her out a bit. Helena doesn’t leave your side as you start the walk back through the battlefield toward their lines. Weaving through the massive landing craft and Guard.

Despite your usual self, you can’t honestly come up with anything to say to Helena. A thought which frustrates you, because you feel like you should say something. Anything.

“I knew it was stupid of me.” Your sister says quietly as she walks beside you, holding your arm for support, be it physical or mental.

“You can’t blame yourself.”

“I can’t for what happened, but I can for letting myself get involved like this…” She breaks off, hanging her head.

You don’t look up as two massive tanks come up alongside. Without looking you can already tell it’s Rex, as he woofs happily upon seeing you. The other tank…

Did it just meow?

“Need a lift?”

“Sure, thanks.” You smile sadly up at someone you’ve never seen before as he offers out a hand.

“FREDERICK!!!” Helena screams, and in the blink of an eye has tackled the tech-priest off of the tank and pinned him on the ground. Once there, she both berates him loudly in between snogging him to the point he’s almost gasping for air.

“G-gross…” Mika states from her position atop the hatch.

“Huh? Well yeah, I mean it’s weird seeing my sister like that I guess…” You shrug.

Mika looks to Helena, then back at you, her brow furrowed.

“That’s your sister? That’s weird.”

“Eh? Why’s that?”

“Because she’s c-currently… Erm… With my b-brother.”

You pick up a bolter round casing and toss it over at the pair still on the ground, Helena glares and snaps something you can’t quite make out.

“Get a room!” You cup your hands and shout at them.

Eira leads the small contingent of Eldar forces through the marshy swamp, quite annoyed at the mud coming up to her knees. She’d just washed her armor too.

Not letting herself sigh, she continues to follow quietly behind the leading scout. An older man, well versed in tracking targets. He’d picked up the trail of Eight, and the group had followed it for quite a while. Until it dead-ended and they realized they’d been had.

Now they had spent the last several hours weaving around, backtracking when met with more dead ends. By this point, Eira was getting quite frustrated. She was downright mad.

Eshwe had told her to gather a small force and be a reactionary asset to Max’s friend, but she had failed to mention anything about the assassin trying to ditch them. Which he had done quite successfully up until now. The tracker was pretty sure they were headed on the main path now, and wouldn’t run into many more side-routes. Whatever the Vindicare had wanted time to accomplish, he’d had it in droves.

Either that, or he’d met a swift end without any backup to assist him.

Either way, Eira didn’t really care. She had no love for assassins, even if they seemed different up close than they appeared from afar. They were still mon-keigh, emotional and not to be trusted. She would rather be somewhere else entirely than be chasing after this idiot on his fool’s errand.

“Farseer, we are drawing near. Best keep low, lest we be spotted.”

Eira nods and drops down to a crawl, matching the scouts as they slowly move through the dense underbrush. Mud smears the front of her armor, her arms. Eira isn’t adverse to getting dirty, but she certainly doesn’t like it.

The scout holds out a hand to signal them to stop as he peers out into the clearing from the position on the ridge. After several moments, he motions them forward.

Eira, disgruntled at having to go this far for a Vindicare, moves up beside the lead scout, and surveys the scene before her.

The ship is clearly wrecked, massive holes opened up in its hull, slag pouring out. Melta bombs, most likely. Though how or why is a mystery to her.

There are remains of several corpses, riddled with holes of varying diameters. Most are going to be completely unidentifiable, their heads having been targeted. Before or after death, she does not know.

Several look like Vindicare to her, and she beckons her team forward, cautiously moving down into the slight depression as she looks for traps. There don’t appear to be any, though Eira doesn’t allow herself to relax.

Yes, Vindicare. She would recognize those suits anywhere, and what remains of their masks.

Eira puts her finger to her ear, contacting Eshwe.

“What have you found, Eira?”

“Eshwe. We’ve come upon the remains of a fight, no one alive in sight but I’ve sent the scouts to push out and check the perimeter. Seven corpses here. Did the one we’re searching for have any identifiable features? Not on the face, none of them have heads.”

“Wait one.”

Eira gazes around at the bodies, pushing aside several Exitus rifles with her feet as she flips each corpse onto its back. The bloodied remains aren’t quite stiffened at this point, though the blood has congealed and stained the sandy ground around the bodies.

“None that I’m aware of, I’ll have to contact Max a different way, his communicator is inactive. Eshwe out.”

Eira looks around again, scanning each of the bodies. She doesn’t remember much about that assassin, and doesn’t care to. Though if she discovers him, she can return to the base. Though she doesn’t exactly want to find him here, like this, she keeps looking.

She spots something she recognizes. A human habit, one of their smoking sticks. Wretched things. Its clutched in the fingers of one of the Vindicare corpses, one of the headless ones. After a quick check, she confirms none of the others have any death sticks, and contacts Eshwe again.

“Go ahead.”

“Target confirmed, terminated. Returning to base.”

You gaze at the envelope in your hand as Rex bounces along the ground, his treads flattening the corpses of the Chaos marines underneath their massive print.

Though you don’t know where that kid wound up, you don’t think he’d want you peeking at whatever is inside the plain white package.

More interested in teasing your sister at the moment anyways, you place the envelope back inside the pouch. Eight couldn't have gotten himself into too much trouble. You hope.

Thread 23[edit]

Eira looks for a final time as the glowing hot slag drips from the decimated ship. At the seven headless corpses littering the ground. She cares little for the happenings of mon’keigh, but she obeys her teacher.

A dataslate she’d picked up proves mildly interesting. A picture of Eshwe’s mon’keigh, with the words “Primary Target” listed above it. Eira is a bit bemused to be finally putting her knowledge of the mon’keigh written language to work.


With a glance she acknowledges the scout, who stands at attention.

“A blood trail, heading east into the woodland.” He informs her.

“How far in?”

“Unknown yet, should we follow?”

Eira looks around the area, bristling, ready for trouble.

“We’ll go in as a group, remain vigilant, I fully expect some sort of plot.” She hefts her own sword to get her point across.

The Eldar form up and walk toward the edge of another ridge. Sure enough, even in the diminished light she can see the drops of blood leading up the sandy rise.

“How did you miss this?”

“Apologies, Farseer. We picked it up on our second pass.”

“Make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

“Affirmative.” The scout nods, having known his mistake. It may not have mattered much here, but in a different scenario it might have meant everything. Eira’s duty was to make sure they knew that.

Pushing her mind out, she can feel through the plethora of life blooming in the forest. The massive trees down to the smallest of insect. And another presence. A fading presence.

A lone figure, lying on the ground. The small opening in the canopy above pouring down moonlight onto him.

“Identify yourself!” She shouts out, calling the challenge to the unidentified man.

A pained, wet cough is all that answers.

“On me.” She tells her scout team, who form up. The Eldar approach, arms raised, fingers poised lightly on triggers. Eira stops them without a word when she recognizes him.

“You?” The Farseer questions in a low tone. She doesn’t know what kind of trick he’s trying to play. Until she sees the wound through his abdomen. A devastating hole, staining the bed of leaves with slick blood.

Cautiously she approaches, her finger leaving the trigger of her pistol. His face is one of recognition, pale from blood loss.

Eira takes a knee beside him, taking off her helmet as she does. Eight is visibly shaking, one hand pressed hopelessly to his wound. She knows little of mon’keigh physiology, but she knows enough to realize he doesn’t have long.

“You two ov…!” Eira’s barking order is cut short by the Vindicare putting a hand on her knee and shaking his head slightly.

A small gesture toward a pouch on his suit. Eira reaches inside and withdraws a partially crumpled package. Though she doesn’t understand their fascination with such things, she withdraws one of the cylinders and places it in between his teeth. It takes her a moment to work out the lighter, but eventually she gets it down and the glowing orange cherry illuminates Eight’s face as he draws in.

“Are there any left?” She asks him pointedly, concerned for her squad at the prospect of an unseen foe.

The assassin shakes his head, and she takes the hand he offers to her in her own.

Eira nods, noticing his grip and trembling weakening, his eyes growing unfocused as they stare into the star strewn black above.

Silence passes, but his time of suffering is short. Shaking turns to twitching, ragged breaths to light gasps for air.

The Farseer lays his arm back by his side. Reaching out slowly, her fingers meet his lids, and close his lightless eyes. She sits there for a moment, beside the still corpse.

You pause for a moment at the fleeting sensation in your mind. Something seemed off, but you only felt it for the brief lapse of a second. Unsure of what to make of that, you do your best to put it from your mind. The battle has been won, though the war remains.

“Alright there, Max?” Helena asks, taking a sip of the mug the Sororitas offered to her. You’ve downed about half of your own.

“Yeah, I think so?” You shrug, feeling a bit off still.

“Good, because Frederick and I have to get back for roll call before they realize we’re missing.” She hops off of the table she’d been sitting on, tech-priest in tow.

“Alright. Nice to meet you man.” You raise your mug to Frederick who gives you a wave with a mechanical arm as he’s dragged along.

Ah these damn kids and their love games, you smirk and take another drink. Well at least he’ll keep her out of your hair.

“Pretty decent fight, eh?”

You turn around to a beaming Lycheria, absent her chainsword and flamer. Her armor flecked with a bit of blood and giblets from the battle.

“Not too shabby, shame Abbadon got away.”


Night has fallen and you don’t really feel like going anywhere. The Sister’s HQ is relatively safe, more so with Rex parked outside, the hum of his engine still audible from inside the building. It gives you some comfort to know there’s a pile of guns and armor waiting for anyone foolish enough to try to attack.

The Sisters don’t seem to mind you staying the night, both you and Mika take them up on the offer. In fact, you find yourself on the fringe of conversation as Lycheria seems to take to Mika quite well. The shy tech-priestess doesn’t seem to quite know what to make of the Sororitas all fawning over her. It offers a brief respite from your usual hustle and bustle, which isn’t something you mind.

Morning comes too early, as does the serenade of groggy Sororitas complaining as they don their armor and rip into breakfast. Apparently they were going to let you stay asleep, as neither Mika nor Lycheria are present when you finally peel your eyes open a few hours later.

“Going somewhere?”

Slowly you turn, leg half-placed inside its greave, toward the voice.

“Oh, Canoness, how nice to see you.”

“Cut the shit.” She growls, and you realize how quite exposed you are in only half of the armor.

“You wrecked my bike, and I’m none too thrilled. Find me a new one or I’ll incinerate you myself, Knight Commissar or not.”

As quickly as she appeared, she leaves. You don’t waste time and hastily encase yourself in the Grey knight power armor. She doesn’t seem stable enough to not come back and just barbecue you anyways.

Stepping out into the forum, you are quite perplexed to be the only one there.

“Hello?” Your voice echoes across the brick walls, and is greeted in turn by mere silence. Until your communicator goes off.


“Oh good, you’re awake! I got you some new batteries, make sure to charge them before they go dead this time!” Lycheria chides you.

“Sure, that will totally happen. Where is everyone?”

“Oh that minor detail? We’ve kidnapped your tech-priestess friend and are headed for some R&R, no boys allowed.”

“…So where is that at?”

“Call you soon Maxy!”

  • click*


Upon stepping into the bright mid-day, you notice even the baneblade is missing. They took him along too? Lucky metal box…

Though the Sororitas left you food, you found yourself none too hungry and left it alone for the most part. A fact you rather regret now, but looking the hundred yards back at the HQ you realize you’ve already gone too far.

This adventure of yours is drawing to a close, you know that. The final battle with Malal is bound to happen any day now, once this new hodgepodge alliance gets together at last. With that knowledge in hand, you figure it might be best to close up some loose ends.

Looking at your communicator, you can only pick out two groups you really haven’t gotten to know too well. Karen and da Orkz, because you’ve only spent a day with them. And Tonya’s Necrons… Because so far they’ve cut off your arm, tried to turn you into one of them, and have generally just been downright batshit.

“Yeah not up for that today…” You punch in Karen’s number. “Oi you gits! I told ya ta paint it red not blue! Now quit muckin about and git ta werk!”


“Ah, sorry Max! It’s pandemonium here right now!” She laughs tiredly.

You’re taken back for a moment by an Ork using the word pandemonium, and Karen asks if you are still on the line.

“Yep. So what’s going down?”

“Well, to be honest two things. One, trying to get these idiots to realize we are teaming up with you guys. Two, the film krew for “Top Mek” is here.”

“Top Mek?”

“Yeah, you know,” Karen laughs, “They review Trukks and dakka and whatnot, great show really.”

Intrigued, you hop onto the ex-canoness now-ORKZ bike and fire it up. Its lack of a functioning engine doesn’t stop it from chortling to life.

“Sounds… Fun?”

“Oh believe me, it is! Come check it out!”

“Be right there.”

The Ork bike speeds along the uneven terrain easily on its oversized tires. As tantalizing as the “push-button-receive-speed” flashing red button is, you ignore it. Likely because you’re still a bit groggy.

Not that you really needed it, the Ork camp isn’t too far off. You enjoy the scenery along the way. Somehow this place has really grown on you, which is something you would have never expected in your wildest dreams when you first arrived. Though that seems like ancient history, and you are certainly not good at judging time, in reality it was but a handful of days ago.

A vast ocean that spans much of the planet, lively forests and gurgling springs, snow capped peaks of the mountains… You find yourself longing to stay somewhere like this. Though maybe without having to constantly escape death…

Pulling up to the Ork camp, you see that it is indeed downright pandemonium. There simply isn’t a better word to describe it. Boyz are running about everywhere, stage lights and tools in place of choppas and flashy bits. They don’t even pause to give you a once-over as they dash place to place.

You park next to a giant red trukk, the scale of which is impressive. Though you’re no expert on Orks, you figure they must be able to fit a whole lot of other trucks into this one, with room for some looted tanks even.

“Oi, deres a humie ‘ere! Git krumpin boyz!”

The brief moment of panic at the shout behind you fades as you turn to Karen, who’s wearing a bemused grin at your reaction.

“Not funny.”

“So wrong, very funny.”

As much as the thought is both interesting and completely and absolutely against everything you’ve ever known, there is one thing you can’t get over.

Karen looks good. Damn good.

“Hey, quit drooling or the boyz will think you’re one of them and grab you to help out.”

“Wha? Right, sorry.”

The Ork princess smiles before snatching you by the hand and pulling you toward her. Just in time to avoid a Nob on a bike from turning you into a smear on the pavement.


“Oh so you noticed eh? Like I said, “Top Mek” is doing some filming here and wanted pavement for one of their sections.”

“Orks can pave?”

“We can do a lot of things, if we get around to it.” Karen frowns, but her expression quickly brightens again as she sees a stomping figure approaching.

“Oh hi dad!” She calls out.

“Wats dis den eh! We aint gots time fer beakies roight now, too much werk ta do so quit muckin about an git too it!”

The Boss stops and peers down at you, his face squinting hard.

“Oh, it’s you…” He grumbles.

“Oh hey Boss, check out mah flash!” You crack off several stormbolter shots into the air, before activating you armor release and revealing your mechanical arm. The lasfinger, plasma cannon, flamer combo makes quite a show as you shoot into the sky.

It rolls well and you don’t manage to do any damage, though.

“Eh! Dats roight flashy it is! Goona ‘ave ta git me one a dem double shooty bits!” He grins, chomping on his cigar, which you notice bears the same emblem as the ones Creed smokes.

“Dis one ‘ere isn’t too much ova git, ‘es alroight Karen.” The Warboss gives you a friendly thump on the back, which would have possibly been fatal without the power armor to save you.

Karen beams, and gives you a wink that says you did all of the right things. It makes your heart skip a beat, and even though this should feel decidedly WRONG, you don’t care because it’s a good wrong.

“Now den, I needta git dese grots inta order.” The boss grunts, smiling at Karen before turning around to roar at several boyz just standing around. You wince as he clocks one over the head, which compacts the Ork to half its original standing height.

“Your dad is… An alright guy.” You nod.

“He can be, but the stress of trying to organize this is really getting to him. Today he put his boss pole on backwards.” Karen giggles.

The thought of that even makes you laugh, which loosens you up. To hell with the old view of Orks, these guys are cool in your book.

“Anyways, why don’t we go watch some filming!” She grabs you excitedly, and you find yourself wishing you’d maybe left the armor off for today, just to be closer to that athletic figure.

“Hey!” She shouts, almost jumping with anticipation, “Da Squig segment is about to start!”

“…Da Squig?”

“Oh right, you don’t really know what this show is about, do you? Well basically… Nah I can’t really explain it, you’ll just have to watch yourself!” Taking you by the hand, she eagerly leads you through a crowd of Orks that only grows more dense the further walk.

“Oi you gits, outta da way, princess comin thru!” A Nob, noticing Karen trying to weave through the crowd, shouts. And starts swinging a nasty looking power klaw around. If his booming voice didn’t clear a path, THAT certainly did.

“Thanks!” She smiles at the Nob as she walks by, and he bows his head in return.

Karen still leading, you feel a bit awkward as you tread through the path that opened up. Though a lot of Orks are trying to get a view of something ahead, many of them watch as you pass. Some look downright jealous…

“Hurry, its starting!!!” She gasps, pulling harder. The two of you clamor up onto a set of bleachers, which you notice appear to be constructed out of nothing other than vehicle parts and more rivets than are likely necessary.

For the first time you’ve been in the Ork camp, you really are caught off guard. Not by a noise or an action, but by a deafening silence.

Three very distinct looking Orks are standing on a track of newly lain pavement, beside what you surmise was at ONE TIME a trukk. Now it appears to be nothing more than a set of wheels, a cab, and a massive cluster of rockets all facing forward.

“Roight you gits, its toime ta test out dis ‘ere trukk. Now ta do dis we needed ah git crazy ‘nuff ta do it.”

“Sum say e’s da reason red is fasta, and dat e’s actually wut happens when yous got ‘nuff dakka. All we know iz, ‘es called DA SQUIG!”

I want to say something, but I'm not going to spoil it. Doesn't concern HLQ though.

On cue, a squat looking thing in a white suit and a massive white helmet pops up into view inside the trukk, and give the other three a solemn nod.

The trukk begins to whine dangerously as its rokkits warm up. Their glowing orange tailpipes cast such a wave of heat that you can feel it even from the stands. They can’t possibly be thinking…

Oh, you guess they are.

The rokkits fully ignite all at once, and for a moment the trukk sits at a standstill. The next, it’s, well, rocketing down the track.

You think the three Orks are commenting on the run, but you can’t hear them over the overwhelming roar of all those rokkits. The trukk is now whipping into a series of s-turns, and though you would have though it impossible, handling them quite well.

Karen is standing up and cheering along with every Ork in the place, and testament to the noise of those rokkits, you can’t hear any of them.

The driver of that trukk must be clinically insane, there simply isn’t any other option. Though this is the Orks and all, he’s actually accelerating going INTO turns and somehow it’s actually WORKING?!

“Isn’t this great!” Karen yells at you, and the rokkit-trukk is far enough away now that you can actually hear her.

“It’s pretty awesome!” You have to practically scream back. The trukk looks like it almost flips over during a high-speed cone area. Where it plows through half of the cones, though that only seems to please the Orks more as they cheer louder.

The whole run is over in very little time, and the trukk comes screaming through the finish line, several of its rokkits exploding as it does so. Even the cast of three Orks on the ground seem to be quite excited, it must have been a good time.

At long last, the overwhelming torrent of sound of those rokkit engines dies down, and is replaced by the cheering of thousands of Orks. It takes several minutes of the three on the track to get them to all calm down.

“Anotha great time by da Squig, dats da fastest yet it iz! Wut did ya think ah dat run ‘ammond?”

“Roight good un, fastest time yeh.”

“Hey, come on, we’ve got somewhere we need to be!” Karen grabs your hand again, and before you can protest that you want to keep watching, she’s dragging you off of the bleachers.

In fact, the Ork girl doesn’t even give you time to talk as she races through the crowd, using her own choppa to clear a path this time. You’re a bit put off, you had wanted to keep watching.

“Hey Karen, what gives!?” You finally get a chance to ask as she’s forced to slow down to let a deff dread stomp past.

“Huh? Oh! You’ll see!” She gives you a very mischievous grin. Your trap sense is whining in full alarm now.

“No, seriously, where are we going?”

Karen ignores you as she bounds across the road before another dread blocks the way. Normally you would be more than content watching the loot in her trukk bounce and wonder how your boss pole would look perched upon it, but you are far too worried.

“Uh… Princess?” You chime again, and still find yourself either unheard or unheeded.

Karen pulls you toward an opening into a dimly lit room, and finally the two of you stop. Looking around, you notice several odd looking Orks staring at you. One has a checklist he’s going over, and he nods in satisfaction. Two more are manning what appears to be a diesel powered camera.

“Hey Karen?”

“What Max?” She smiles sweetly, too sweetly.

“Mind letting me know what’s going on?”

“An nows da toime fer our next segmint we like ta call…”

“Big Fukk in a little Trukk!”

The speakers inside the small room answer your question for her.

“…You didn’t…”

“Make sure to have some fun!” Karen smiles, before pushing you through an open doorway, and into the bright area beyond.

You stumble out rather clumsily, nearly tripping over your own armored foot. The Orks laugh, and despite yourself you can't help but feel a tad embarrassed.

The three Ork MC's are waving you over to them, and though Admiral Ackbar is screaming in the background, you nonetheless walk over.

"Now we'ze 'eard youz wif da princess, dat carrect?" The one with longer hair in a leather jacket asks.

"I... Yeah?"

"Lucky git!" The crowd bellows.

"You eva 'eard of da Soozuki choppa, 'umie?" The Ork in the suit asks.

"Err... No?"

Da Squig comes rolling out of a nearby mekshop in what you surmise, must be the Soozuki. Well, they certainly weren't kidding when they called it little...

Small, if anything, would be it's defining characteristic. Its basically just a box on wheels with seven tires. Yes, there are only three on the left side. Calling the miniscule engine perched in the front "quaint" would be more than it deserved.

"Dis 'ere may not be da fastest trukk, or da biggest, but it don't take too many teef ta git one a deez!"


"Now 'umie, you evah driven a waaagh transmisshun befoh?"

"No, I can't say that I have." You shrug, very aware of the cameras pressing in from all sides.

The three Orks stop talking, scratching their heads and looking a bit puzzled.

"Ah well, 'ell be fine!" The one in the suit pushes you toward the trukk.

"See humie, all ya gotta do is git da fastest toime ya can round dis 'ere trakk." The shortest one says, as though it were not completely obvious what they wanted you to do.

"Look, we'ze even gotcha one in red, so its extra fasta!"

Sitting down at the Orks insistence, you realize immediately that for an Ork, this would be a cramped ride. You also realize that there is no steering wheel.

"Hey, mind telling me how you steer this thing?" You ask, still looking over a bizarre assortment of gauges and dials, most of which don't appear to be hooked into anything. One is even simply nailed to the dash.

"Hahahaha! You'ze a funny humie, da pedals ya git!" The long haired laughs.

"Right..." There are at least twelve pedals that you've found so far.

"And to shift...?"

"We'z aint got toime ta splain everythin ta ya, on a skedule!" They close the door, leaving you alone. Inside this trukk. With absolutely zero guidance, really.

Hesitantly, you reach out and do the one thing you would do in this kind of situation...

Well yeah, there is only one thing you would possibly do in this kind of situation. You press the red button.

The choppa lurches to life, it’s small engine chugging hard enough to actually shake the entirety of the pitiful vehicle. Hard enough, in fact, to shake the rear window right out of place. It falls loose and shatters against the ground, much to the delight of the Ork crowd, it would seem.

Oh yes, this is certainly very safe.

Gingerly you place your foot on one of the now seventeen pedals present inside the vehicle, several of which you’ve found don’t actually depress at all. Half of the cylinders rev, the other half remain idle. How, you don’t know.

Another pedal, another small push, and the other half chimes in.

Two gas pedals. One engine. Seems legit.

You idle the trukk up to a blue starting line, Karen waiting for you alongside it, holding a checkered flag.

“Good luck!” She mouths with a grin.

You give her a very hard stare, which only widens her smile.

A wave of her flag, and you’re off!

The engine explodes, losing its entire top half, a great start. Not that this effects the vehicle in any way, it seems, as it still keeps picking up speed somehow.

Too much speed.

Despite what they said about it not being fast, it turns out to be just as quick as your bike even. Already you’re approaching the first hard corner, a tough 90 degree. Well this is much more like how you were trained to drive as a Guardsman, despite being forcibly removed from that section of training after one hour and three near fatal crashes.

All you have to do is find the brakes.

You push on pedals one by one, searching for the one to slow down. After all seventeen pedals yield no such result, you try a few of the less intimidating looking buttons. Still nothing. Perhaps a switch…

After a few terrifying moments, you come to a stark and grim realization.

There are no brakes.

The Soozuki goes flying past the turn, and with a bump you have left the trakk. Orks have to dive out of your way as the trukk crashes through the bleachers. Despite your panic, the onlookers seem to be having a good time of it.

Though you’ve long since removed your feet from the pedals, the vehicle hasn’t slowed. A sinking feeling in your gut, and you confirm your worst suspicions. Both gas pedals are stuck to the floor, in full-on position.

“Oh Emprah preserve me…” You groan, looking back through the windshield. At least you found out how to steer, somewhat. A small ball embedded in the dash that rolls freely. You can spin it to the left and the trukk slowly responds. Spin it to the right and it goes right. When you spin it forward, the trukk actually accelerates further, so you quickly stop that. When you try to roll the ball backwards, you are pretty sure the trukk is actually laughing at you.

It bears a striking resemblance to a ancient piece of hardware from Terra you’d once had the pleasure of seeing, something called “Golden Tee”.

Though this line of thinking is quickly erased from your mind and replaced with a primal fear when you realize your current heading. The coastline looms in front of you, and judging by your rate of speed, you will be there in mere minutes. As hard as you spin the ball, it has little effect. At your current pace, you simply can’t steer hard enough to avoid the shore. You can’t help but dismally chuckle a bit at this turn of events. Somehow you always end up heading back toward the water, and here on Yagis V, that rarely if ever ends well.

As if on cue, all prior suspicions confirmed, you spot an all too familiar swell in the water.

Nearer and nearer, unable to stop the trukk, unable to turn or slow down. You just sit back and shake your head as the Soozuki bounces over the ground, its seven tires now reaching sand.

A gaping maw of horrors erupts from the seas, and there’s nothing you can do about it now but watch.

The trukk goes slamming into Ra’alman’s jaws, and she grips it hard. Sword-like teeth sink through the top and bottom, puncturing several of the tires as she lifts you into the sky. The engine whines horribly as its met without resistance and the tires spin freely.

You resign yourself to a life of unseen and unspeakable horrors.

Until the fish god pauses, and even over the groan of metal being depressed and the engine screaming, you thought you heard something.

Out of the corner of your eye, you catch a flash of green. Than another, and another.

With a furious howl, Ra’alman is forced to drop you and turn to face this new threat. Your engine dies upon impact, and you cover your exposed head and hat to try to minimize the damage. Thankfully, somehow, you have landed on all four working tires and three rims.

Tonya stares you right in the eyes, gives you what she must think is a loving smile, and turns back to Ra’alman.

“You can’t have him! He’s mine, ALL MINE!!” She screams up at the best, letting loose another shot from her staff. The Immortals surrounding her increase their rate of fire as well. The gauss seems to have some effect on the fish-god, who bodyslams the shore and wipes out a good third of the Necron army in retaliation.

It’s a full-on crazy waifu fight, and you’ve got a first row seat in a dead Ork trukk.

“Wait wait! Stop!” Tonya screams as the battle is getting out of hand.

At her command, the fighting ceases.

“What if… We share him?” She asks questioningly to the fish god. It hangs in the air, about to crunch down on a dozen Necron warriors as it ponders her proposition.

Both of them turn, slowly, to stare right at you.

The outlook abysmal, you start hitting every button, every switch, every dial inside this damnable Ork hunk of squig fodder.

The last button you hit? Why, the one with the skull on it, of course.

Which apparently has some kind of effect when the vehicle is off, as there is a very off-putting shake, a grumble and a clang.

You look back, and see the rokkit rising up in the back, it’s exhaust sticking out where the rear window used to be. For a second you wonder if perhaps the removable window was actually a design feature, but you don’t get many seconds to think. The rokkit engine ignites and…

Sputters out!

“Fuck my life!” You kick through the thin floor with both of your power legs, and feel your feet meet ground. In a last ditch effort, you make a run for it.

The power armor helps a lot in this regard, but even with it on, you find using your legs to power a heavy hunk of mostly cast iron and scrapped steel to be tiring work. Not only that, but even the Necrons are starting to gain on you! Must be those three shredded tires dragging you down.

A gauss round slams into the rear of the trukk.

“Stop shooting you fools! I want him alive so I can make him un-alive later!” Tonya berates the one who took the shot. This only triggers you to run faster, and you find yourself hoping beyond hope that somehow the red paint will help you. Though your legs ache already, you somehow manage to push the vehicle faster, enough to stay out of the grasp of the Necrons at least.

“I don’t want to be robotic fish fertilizer!” You rant, slamming a fist on the dash in anger.

Wings made out of corrugated aluminum pop out of the side of the trukk.

The rokkit in the back re-ignites.

You can do little more than hang on as the rokkit ignites and you can feel the thrust already. Despite this, you have no idea if this thing will really fly.

But you are about to find out.

"Go you fucking pile of bolts! Go!"

The craft achieves lift-off!

...Only to almost immediately spin 180 and head right back the fish jaws of love.

The current heading of the trukk is bad. Very bad. Those jaws, those teeth... You've no desire to be back there again. Still, this craft of sheet metal and pure waaaghpower doesn't respond to desires, at least not yours.

"Tonya!" You call down to the pariah as you go zipping past overhead.

"I don't want to be shared, I've eyes only for you!"

The Necron's face brightens at your words, and with a grim determination she turns back to Ra'alman.

"Let fly the gauss!" At her order, the Necron warriors and Immortals renew their assault. A fresh torrent of gauss fire drives the fish back. Slowly, ever slowly, you realize you are going to clear the maw.

You go sailing over the head of the great sea beast, avoiding a terrible fate.

Frantically you spin the ball, which is more responsive in the air. The craft turns back toward the Ork camp.

On a plume of smoke, fire, and hatred you ride. The craft bucking and jolting as the rokkit coughs a death yet again. As often as Ork tech seems to work, so often it fails, it seems.

The trukk jukes up once, before nosing down. You are going to come in, hard.

"Git outta da waaayyyy!!!" The Warboss shouts as he sees your careening craft.

Orks scramble for cover, diving under the bleachers, hold trukk doors in front of their faces as shields.

The trukk slams down roughly, bounces once, and then flips on it's side where it skids to a halt in a furious flurry of grinding metal and showering sparks.

"Aaannd across da loine!"

You sit for more than a long moment, still strapped in to the trukk, lying on your side. You aren't sure how you survived that, but you are pretty sure that is the last time you want to give driving anything Orkier than the bike a try.

"Oi humie!? You alroight in dere?" Hammond stoops down to peer at you through the windshield, which is full of spiderweb cracks.

"I'm not sure, honestly."

"Whateva, I gots sum good news fah ya."

"I'm not the worst time on the chart?"

"Wut? Nah yous a roight git driva you iz, but dese boys ova 'ere wantcha in dere own show!"

He gestures to a film crew behind him.

"We'z filmin when big gits attack, we wantcha ta do alla dat... Again."

"So let me get this straight... You want me to climb back into a sheet metal ship that seems to work by not making sense, drive it back out there, and swiftly avoid being eaten? For a second time?"

"Yah." The Ork grunts.

"Yeah, OK."

"Wut? Really 'umie?"

"Sure, whatever..."

You drop out of the harness with a click of the release. Standing up, you brush yourself off of rubble and pieces of metal.

"Gimme another trukk or something, I'll give it another go." You shrug.

The film krew glance around to each other. Clearly, they hadn't actually expected you to go along with it.

"How about a rain check, I think he probably needs a break..." Karen cuts in, waving the crew off.

"What? Why?" You protest, wanting to head back out for another round.

"Because he back of your head is bleeding." Karen tells you.

"And your hat is gone."

"My hat is missing and my head is bleeding, eh?"

"Welp, uh... Pretty much?" Karen shrugs, gingerly attempting to use a white cloth to stem the trickle of blood oozing down your hair.

"Clearly, then, there is only one logical route to take."

"...A dok and bed rest?"

Both of you look at each other, each knowing that THAT certainly is not within the realm of possibilities at the moment.

Karen sighs, shaking her head as she does her best to wipe away the rest of the blood and tie the rag around your head in a makeshift bandage.

"I'll get my kustom racer, then."

"Good girl."

The Ork princess leads you along toward her personal mekshop, but won't let you enter until you've got a proper bandage. After a valiant struggle, you cave in and let a dok take a look at you. The bizarre Ork seems a bit downtrodden when you refuse multiple injections of various colors and settle for just a linen headwrap.

The kustom racer, is, well, certainly kustom. A sleek (for orkish standards) low-slung four wheeled contraption of jet engines, exhaust pipes, and rokkit boosters. You'd been a mild fan of races back on your home planet, and this reminds you of them.

If someone took one, slapped on guns, jet engines, rokkits, and a wicked flame emblem front over a bright red paint job.

"So, this thing fast?"

"Fast? You haven't even EXPERIANCED fast." Karen smirks, sliding a pair of goggles down over her eyes.

"I'm driving." You interject as she slides behind the wheel.

"I don't mean to be harsh, but NO. I'm professionally trained on waaagh transmissions."

"Yeah? By who?"

"Some say he's only taken one student in the last twenty or so millenia, some say he taught Gork and Mork. All I know is, he's called, da Squig."

The wicked machine of engines and firepower roars to life with a throaty rumble. Pipes kick out black exhaust, spewing out inside the mekshop. Jet engines engage and a high pitched whine forces you to clamp your ears shut.

"Oh yeah, she's ready!" The Ork girl grins, giving the side of the vehicle a satisfied pat.

"Great, now where do I sit?" You frown upon realizing that the vehicle is a single seater.

"Sit? Well... You can hang on the back?" Clearly Karen hadn't thought this far ahead either.

Fortunately, there is a handhold on the back, enough for you to clamp on with your strong mechanical arm. You plant your feet against the rear spoiler, doing your best to lock yourself into place.

A sane person would have taken one look, and bowed out gracefully. Thankfully, you are not a sane person.

"Lets get this shit on." You reach up and place a cigar in your teeth. You'd nicked it from the Warboss as he'd clapped you on the back. Surely he won't notice.

You light the cigar on a jet engine, take a puff, and place a pair of goggles Karen handed you over your own face.

"Kick it."

Why oh why you uttered those words, you don't know.

What you do know, is that your body was not ready. Not even the slightest. For what it was about to endure.

Most vehicles accelerate gracefully, sensibly taking at least some time to reach up and snatch speed in its claws. This, however, ignores such things as grace, and gnashes speed in its ugly hands before deciding it isn't radical enough and chucking it aside.

Simply put, the Kustom racer goes from zero to about FUCK in an average of oh shit seconds.

You can't even manage to scream obscenities, its all you can do to keep your mouth shut and pray to the Emprah. Even the cigar is straining, the wind nearly ripping it from your teeth.

You can't tell Karen to slow down, either. Not even with a hand gesture, because now you've got both of them clamped down tight on whatever you managed to find purchase on. You haven't bothered looking, eyes fixated ahead as terrain shoots beneath your wheels at a speed that redefines speed.

Karen, for her part, seems to be rather enjoying it. She's smiling and humming some kind of Orky tune as though this were merely just a Sunday drive through the country.

Completely oblivious, it seems, to you nearly pissing your power armor from the ride.

If the trukk you rode in earlier made it to the shore quickly, you don't even know how to DESCRIBE this.

Despite your strain to stay on the racer, you are scanning as hard as you can for one thing, and only one thing.

Someone or something has your hat, without your strict consent, and that is simply not acceptable.

"Hang on, I'm going to hit the Turbo Boost!" Karen shouts back at you.

The what?

Did she just say something about boost?

Is she implying this thing goes faster?

Turbo Boost implies an increase in speed, a standard unit of distance over time.

What Karen should call the button she hits would be the button for the insanity engine.

The racer doesn't increase speed, no. Speed simply nods, realizes it's been bested, and steps aside, yielding to its successor.

The rokkits all ignite at once, jet engines scream, the pipes go from spewing smog to not being able to rid themselves of it fast enough, as though the smoke itself is flowing upwards. The wheels even leave the ground, which must be why she'd installed the two small wings off to the sides of the vehicle.

Still, despite all of this, you see what you came for. Your hat, clutched in Tonya's fingers.

With a smile, she sniffs the brim, and looks back up at you.

"Faster! FASTER!" You cry, but to no avail.

Despite your speed, despite this terrible dragon of the land, you are too late.

With a faint wave, Tonya fades from your vision along with her immortals.

Taking hat-chan with her, to wherever it is that she goes.

"Fuck. Everything."

Just as bad, well, perhaps not QUITE as bad, looms another issue.

Ra'alman, the strong black she-beast that she is, isn't taking too kindly to seeing yet another woman with HER MAN.

A point the fish god demonstrates by rising up out of the water, a towering figure of devilish intent.

"Stop this thing!" You shout to Karen; who despite giving you a look clearly questioning your sanity, of which there is little, does so.

"You uh... Sure about this, Max?" She asks, clearly quite put off by you walking on wobbly knees (from the ride...yeah) toward the towering deity of the oceans.

"Hey you! Yes, you!" You wave your hands above your head, and the gigantic beast gives you a ponderous stare. Or whatever passes for one, you think.

"I'm listening, mortal." A screeching voice inside your mind, like a train flipping on its side and scraping it's contents of nails across the chalkboard plains beside its tracks.

You actually have to work your jaw and blink to get the ringing out of your brain.

Opening your mouth, you delve into it.

"Alright so listen, we both know that this CLEARLY isn't going to work out, that much is obvious. I mean, you are a massive goddess of the ocean and I'm me."

The fish tilts its head slightly as it listens to you talk. At least it appears to be intently following along.

"I know, you are clearly hooked on me, and I'll admit I'm quite a catch. That said, I need more line than you are willing to give me, you can't keep me wound tight on a spool. Now let me put this into scale for you, I'm willing to try something and I'm not trying to bait you into a trap alright?"

"Go on..." A hiss in your mind, this one not as sharp and painful as the last burst of psyonic speech.

"What I'm trying to say is that there might be some way to make you less toothy and I'm up to the gills in ideas."

Ra'alman hangs ponderously for a moment, before slowly lowering down and resting gently on the sand in front of you.

"Fair enough, but any more puns and I just eat you."

"Alright, I just don't want you acting shellfish toward the others alright? You've got to learn to share if this all works out somehow."

"I should devour you just for that. But continue."

The truth is, however, you don't have that many ideas about what to do. In fact, you hardly have any.

This is well beyond the point of your own powers, of that much you are certain. You can do some pretty impressive stuff with your relatively new psyker abilities, but this is not one of them.

You'd give Tzeentch a call, figuring this would be right up her ally, but you don't exactly have her number.

As you're thinking that, the cigar suddenly pops and fizzes, quite unusual. A small strip of metal falls out. Most peculiar.

The little plate is engraved "Tzeentch" and lists a communicator number. That fucking Creed...

You dial it up and wait. Ringing...

"The hell do YOU want, mortal?!" Tzeentch growls, her voice low and dangerous. You can make out the crying of an infant in the background.

"Err.... Sorry it seems like a bad time, but to summarize I need help transforming a fish deity into something I can stick my Inquisitor into."



"You aren't joking, are you?"

"Nope." You announce.

"...You know I don't particularly like you, at all in fact, don't you?"


A sigh.

"Very well, I'll offer my assistance. In return, I'll get something from you of my choosing, something small and something that will effect you little I should think. I've yet to plan that far ahead, but know I'll ask something of you when the time comes."

She clears her throat.

"Alternatively, Slaanesh wishes me to inform you that it will uphold the same deal, and when I asked what it wanted it started drooling and masturbating furiously."

"Well, whats saying we can't all join up as a team? One big double chaos god, psyker sandwich?"

"...You're serious? Alright I guess? Slaanesh knows what it wants, by the way."

"...Do I even want to know?"

"Your Farseer, a pair of her dirty drawers with a lipstick heart on them."

Well, those shouldn't be too hard to obtain. Then you remember exactly who it is you are dealing with... Well THAT is certainly going to be an interesting conversation.

"That will be difficult, but do-able. And you?"

"You'll find out later when I get around to it, now stand back from the shore."

As much as the thought of making a deal with the secrets and CHANGE unnerves you, its too late now. The water before you has turned into a swirling maelstrom of violet and blue in nearly an instant.

"Whoa, now THIS is some shit." Karen muses, taking a seat on the kustom racer and watching the scene unfold.

That is, indeed, some shit.

The swirling vortex is arcing into the sky. Waves of color move in such a way that it causes your head to ache. You aren't sure what it is that you are watching, and you aren't even sure it won't break your mind.

The waters surge over Ra'alman, and the fish god seems quite hesitant at the events. Not that you blame it, in the least.

The seas grow only more colorful, the sky overhead darkening to a coal black of storming clouds as the water seethes. Ra'alman has disappeared entirely beneath them.

Karen is watching, goggles still in place, her hand with popcorn in it frozen in place as she forgets about the snack entirely.

"I'm twelve and what is this...?" You say in awe at the vision of color, motion, and energy.

The spectacle slowly peaks, before starting to wind down. The ocean stops swirling, the colors fade, the clouds dissipate.

You notice instantly that the towering fish god is absent, and in its place...


"Hey what the fuck guys, this wasn't part of our deal!" You shout angrily.

"Calm yourself, whelp. She's disappeared by her own accord, not of our doing."

"Yeah, but I still expect my payment." Slaanesh adds.

"So she's... Hiding?" You inquire inside your mind.

"Indeed. I'll be taking my payment as well, as our contract has been fulfilled."

So there you stand, wet from the spray of the crazy blue waters, beside your Ork friend. With absolutely nothing to show for the deal you just made.

"Chaos gods are dicks."

"Duh, I coulda told you that." Karen licks the butter off of her fingers.

Though you remain on the shoreline for at least an hour, calling out and trying to get some response, you are greeted with only silence. Even your mind powers do nothing.

"We should probably just give up..." Karen pipes up, a bemused expression as she watches you strolling up and down the beach.

"Yeah but how do I know they didn't just screw me over?" You complain.

"That's... Part of dealing with them, I guess?" She holds up her arms, nothing else to add.

"Well that... Sucks." You frown, and chuck another rock out into the waves where it lands with a satisfying splash.

"Eh, you win some you lose some. Now lets head back, I'd like to do something else at least before dinner."

Something else... Something else...

"Hora hora, what are you thinking of doing with the Ork princess?"

Both of you jump at the intrusion, whirling around. A being quite unlike anything you've seen thus far stands before you. A round, powerful tail covered in dark blue scales, pale green hair that falls nearly to the base of said tale. Red eyes that seem to almost glow slightly.

"No. Fucking. Way." You gape.

"Well, I can always turn back." Even as she says it, she does it. In mere moments, the Ra'alman you've always known is staring down at you yet again.

"Now have your fun mortal, I've god things to attend to before I can meet you again." With that, she heaves her heavy body into the air and crashes into the sea. A massive plume of water erupts, drenching you, Karen, and the kustom racer.

"Forget what I said earlier. NOW I've seen some shit." The Ork girl just shakes her head and shrugs, lost for more words.

Something about the quiet of the forest in the evening is alluring. Perhaps something primeval in man itself, perhaps just because it reminds me of a place I once knew so long ago now.

I'd expected Max to argue, naturally. Hell, even I know what that letter meant. I knew, in the back of my mind, that it was unlikely I was ever going to return.

A point I discovered, within myself, that I was fine with. I knew the target wasn't really me, they don't care about lost assassins. They don't have to. Eventually something in our blood runs out, and we pass on naturally. I'd felt the weakness coming off in the distance for a while now.

So when I'd found the data concerning my suspicions, upon that vile corpse, I knew what had to be done. I can't let them kill Max off, in a heartbeat, before he ever stood a chance. Not if this crazy plan has any hope of budding into a new life for this universe, not if I can put a stop to anyone forced into this life of ends.

No. If destiny needed a sacrifice for this to all fall into place, I willingly give myself.

So I'd given him that envelope, and I'd made him take it. It gives me some kind of solace to know I'd left it in capable hands.

They wouldn't be expecting me. That I know. I would have expired already had I not pilfered a vial of the stuff I'd needed from the corpse of the wretched being who had once been someone I'd once been trained by.

The ship resides in the clearing, exactly as I'd planned it all out. Too predictable when hunting one of your own species.

Sure enough they'd placed a guard on watch. A grey old man for one such as us, perhaps even thirty five or more.

Everyone has to pee sometimes. And sometimes, you just happen to get a knife though the back when doing so. Life sucks like that.

I don't feel a thing as the blade plunges in, again and again. Blood trickles from fresh wounds, the sentry struggles and tries to cry out, but is stifled by my hand crushing his windpipe.

I'd known him, I realize as I silently lower the body. A marksman instructor, one of the few at the Ordo I'd ever felt respect for. The same one from whom I'd picked up my one bad habit.

"Sorry, old man." I whisper down to him, and a small smile greets me as he recognizes my face. I hammer my blade once through his skull to end his pain.

The satchel at my side isn't exactly run of the mill Vindicare equipment. Meltabombs aren't really our thing, but an assassin who doesn't adapt isn't much of an assassin.

My feet barely crunching the leaves blanketing the ground as I approach the ship, I pull one of the bombs out. I'd already rigged up timers and a sticky solution to get them to stay in place. Now I begin placing them, every few feet along the hull.

It would be a terrible end for those inside, that much I knew. I knew, and did not care. I hated that. Or I wanted to. I'm not even sure how I work anymore, I know the Ordo had messed with us. I was sick of knowing that.

The last bomb stuck in place, I prepare my egress.

"Not too nice of dead men to try to off those of us with a job to do, Eight."

"We're all dead men here."

The calm lasts a mere moment. Flashes of gunfire erupt, both of us having gone for our Exitus pistols. His mistake, I always was fast on a draw.

Plan in the gutter, I do my best to improvise.

The double tap caught the first through the chest and head, which is something I've yet to see anyone or anything survive.

But more are quickly pouring out, and I've only so much ammunition.

I dive behind the landing gear of the ship, rounds whizzing overhead and erupting sand to my sides. Popping out quickly, I deliver another salvo into yet another one I recognize.

Five left, I've counted. Five rounds in my pistol.

Focusing, I let my mind slow down everything as I steady my nerves. Another break from cover, another round through a head.

The gun battle keeps up, and I'm almost sure I've got the edge, until I spot a fateful glimmer to my left. Too late, I don't have enough time.

I whirl, and both of us fire at the same time.

Pain. I'm used to pain. I grew up on it, I was trained in it, the Ordo deadened my senses to it.

The one holding the Exitus rifle staggers, half of his head gone, before collapsing.

He was the last, I find out, as the meltabombs ignite into an inferno of metal slag. I'd made it far enough from the blast to not be consumed, but looking down at my wound... It was for naught.

I cough, blood staining my hand.

Well, I could have asked for a worse ending. Completing a last mission isn't a bad way to go.

The forest calls for me, or maybe its the blood loss. I can feel it seeping from me now, warm, running down my abdomen and legs.

So I walk. For how long and how far I don't know, but I walk until I can walk no more.

The canopy above breaks, a hole overhead where I can see the stars. I try to lay down gently, but end up collapsing. Swallowing, I taste only iron.

Oh. The stars are out. Its been a long time since I've had a chance to gaze up at them. I wonder where Catachan is, I've no knowledge of astronomy.

Already I can feel my head getting hazy, darkness growing at the edges of my vision.

An Eldar comes, maybe more, I can't be sure. She places a cigarette in my lips, a kind gesture for her to do at my weak insistence.

I look up to the sky, concerned little for the Eldar. There is no more looming threat for them, and more importantly, Max.

I smile at the thought.

"Max..." I whisper faintly, only the brigtest of stars still visible.

"I'm... I'm going home." I smile.

The sounds of the forest see me out.

"Parker!" Vect barks gruffly to welcome the newcomer into his study.

"No. Kyle."

"Kyle? What kind of name is that?" Vect asks, chewing on his cigar.

"My name, sir."

"And you're a Dark Eldar? That isn't a very Dark Eldarish name son."

The pilot sighs, he had grown to expect this. Despite this being his fifth or so meeting with the big man.

"Whatever. Anyways Parker, Parker told me you're someone I should consider letting run this place."

"Kyle. You already did that."

Vect frowns, looking up from his newspaper. He scowls at Parker, these fucking kids these days and their rap music...

"So why are you here?" He finally sighs, ashing his cigar in an ornate ebony tray.

"Didn't I already... Never mind. The Imperium of man wants to ally with us."

Vect looks down at his newspaper again, reaching out for his coffee mug.

"Tell them no, bad for the newspaper business."

"Sir if I may..."

"Fine, but we get 75%! and that's our final offer!" Vect pounds his desk.

"Right, I'll pass that on..." Kyle bows and swiftly exits the office.

You and Karen turn to head back toward the Ork camp. This time you tell her to take it easy on the crazy speedfreak stuff, your legs and arms have yet to forgive you for earlier.

Thankfully she obliges, and the ride back is perhaps half as fast and furious as the ride out. Though a tanned, bald man in an ancient Terran car tries to race you along the way.

The Ork camp is dying down by the time you arrive. Apparently the filming is over, as the Orks are now packing the last of the set up. They give you funny looks as you enter, and some of them mutter under their breath. About some humie git bein wif da princess, though you can't hear them.

The film crew who had planned to document your second raid look rather miffed at being left in the dirt. Apparently their trukks hadn't come close to being able to keep up with Karen's souped up monstrosity.

Though their mean stares quickly soften as Karen apologizes. Apparently all of them have a soft spot for her. You aren't sure if you will ever understand that. As far as you knew, Orks were all about getting killy and making waagh.

Progress though the camp seems good, you have a feeling tonight is going to go well. Screw the xeno haters the Imperium is made of, you are having a great time with this female Ork and you intend to keep it that way.

That is, until, the Warboss steps into your path.

"Its toime ta rokk, ya git!" He grins, shoving a guitar into your hands.

"What? Again?"

"Oi! Jus anotha song an you can git back ta bein a git!"

"Fine." You shoulder the guitar strap. The cord of your guitar only extends halfway to the nearby amps, before snaking off and ending at a pile of shredded tires. But when you pluck a string, sound reverberates from the system. Damn Orks and their nonsensical technology...

Before you can gripe, the Warboss takes the lead.

Waagh on da vox, dakka on da holo Imperial man take what he can, shooty on da silva screen Krumpin em up and choppan em down, living out a fantasy There’s a big boss ridin ‘round in a big black looted trukk Don’t let it be wrong, don’t let it be right Get outta da way git, ur roight in ‘iz soights

Big dakka Big dakka Numbah whan Big dakka

Big dakka krump da zog outta ya Necrons, flash makas, shootin up hollywood Vindicares alive wif da flashy bitz, getting off an doin rought bad If you izn’t smart, dey’ll eat ya up, chop off ya bitz as dey do

The song comes to a grating halt as the Warboss furiously rips his guitar right off of it's strap.

"Oi! You lousy grots! Git yer filthy 'ands off a me trukk!" He takes the guitar and wings it hard at a group of gretchin crawling around a particularly large and spiky trukk.

It sails brilliantly through the air, before slicing a gretchin in half at chest level. The others panic, and break into a scattered run as the Warboss bounds after the rest.

"Well... That was... Fun?" You shrug.

"Sure, never mind that. I haven't had you to myself in forever and its just getting annoying now." Karen folds her arms, peers at her father, and then snatches your hand.

Karen stops to peek around corners, eying other orks as they mukk about, pulling you quickly along when she thinks they aren't looking.

"Hey, not that I mind, but why are we being sneaky like?" You ask in a hushed tone at another stop.

"Huh? Well, no reason really... But some of these boyz might get a tad bit... Well, more jealous if they see me take you into my own tent."

"Oh. OH."


You notice Karen's cheeks are a bit flushed, the pink on her green features is a dead give away.

At long last, after at least a dozen stops to check for a clear coast, you've arrived. The tent is far larger than the boyz huts, and set apart from them as well. Lining the outside, standing guard, are dozens of turrets.

"Don't worry, I already programmed you in as a "do not kill", they won't shoot." Karen smirks, noticing your hesitation to approach.

Sure enough (though you inch along slowly), the turrets do not turn you to giblets and armor flakes. You sigh in relief, that would have been a bad way to go.

"Come on, hurry up!" Karen grins, tugging harder.

You aren't about to keep the princess waiting, and let her lead you on inside. The interior of the tent is, at least by Orkish standards, lavish. Carpet lines the floor, plush pink rugs covering much of it. You even notice a bathroom through an open curtain.

"Wow, nice place you've got here." You marvel, lightly touching the pink netting above the bed.

"Pink?" You turn to her with an evil grin, "An Ork with a pink accented room?"

A shirt to the face quaffs your teasing.

"Oh quiet, you. I'm going to take a shower, why don't you just take a seat on the bed or something? You can flip on the viewscreen if you'd like."

You pull the shirt off of your face, noticing it actually smells rather... Nice?

Karen steps through the curtain into the bathroom and draws it shut before you can add anything more.

Though you'd thought to give the books lining a shelf near the closed entryway a look, that train of thought is abruptly derailed.

Karen flips on a light inside the bathroom, and in an instant you notice one thing. The fabric of those walls is fairly thin on the shower side, which is closest to the bed, and you can see her figure almost perfectly through them.

Which means, much to your Inquisitor's interest, that you can more or less make out everything. Like Karen slowly unstrapping her belt, and lowering her shorts.

"Emprah preserve me..." You whisper inaudibly as you continue to watch.

"Hey!" Karen calls through the fabric, and you stiffen, thinking she'd heard you.

"You umm... Can take of your armor, if you'd like." She says, the embarrassment in her voice carrying through.

"I would, but it's really easier to get on myself and tough to get off without help." You admit.

"Oh." The Ork princess comments, and you can't help but notice the outline as she slips her thong and tosses it into a bin. "I'll help you after I'm done, then."

"That would be..." She pulls her sportsbra over her head and your words get jumbled in your throat as you watch a very noticeable bounce. "Fine." You finish throatily.

The sound of the shower starting fills the tent, but you can barely perceive it. Your other senses, it seems, have lent their power entirely to your eyes. And oh, do your eyes need it now more than ever.

Karen steps gently into the shower, which only causes her outline to grow more distinct. She lets her hair down out of it's ponytail, and even through the curtain you can see it is rather curly, like waves cascading downward... Right to her tight butt.

Your jaw is practically on the floor by now, you are visibly drooling, you don't frankly care at this point.

Your Inquisitor protests at the unwelcome pressure of the armor's codpiece, and under any other circumstance you may have found that quite uncomfortable. Now, however, you can barely perceive it.

Karen pulls her hair back as the water flows over it, running her fingers through the lush tangle. You are on the edge of the bed, leaning as far forward as the position allows.

Leaning down, her back toward you, she pumps what you guess to be shampoo into her hand. Standing back up, she runs it through her hair, so, so slowly.

Leaving it for now, you notice her lean down again and pick up a cloth. Another few pumps of another bottle, and she's begun to wash her body. Even through the curtain its easy to tell she's absolutely athletic. But not some muscle beast that Imperial women tend to think they will become if they work out, more like a body sculpted to the perfection of form.

You can only sit and watch, utterly mesmorized, as something as simple as a girl showering gets you more worked up than you could have ever imagined.

As she at long last closes the valve to the shower, you have only one thought. You don't want it to end.

A thought quickly forgotten when she draws back the curtain and steps out into the larger room once more.

Karen stands before you, luscious dark hair dripping, all of her dripping. Encased only in a short fluffy pink towel.

She must have noticed you staring, because her face cheeks are only burning more and more red, her eyes avoiding you as her legs mull awkwardly.

"So umm... Want me to help get that armor off?" She finally asks.

"Yes ma'am!" You almost shout, standing up immediately.

Gentle green fingers run over the hard ceremite plates as Karen searches for the releases. You try to guide her along, but only give her faint clues. Watching her its almost too cute to want it to end.

With a small hiss, the last piece is removed. Damn, you think to yourself, damn why can't you be wearing TWO suits of armor?

"Do you... Need a shower?" She asks quietly, her eyes averted despite you still being quite clothed.

"I don't think so? The armor has some cooling mechanisms, and stuff..." In truth, you can barely form words. Where your brain is getting the power to actually speak from, you are unsure.

"Can you do the rest?" Karen asks, before climbing briskly onto the bed, and burrowing into the sheets.

"Uh, yeah."

Her back to you, you let the last of your clothing drop to the floor. You notice a pink towel on the ground at the side of the bed.

Not knowing what else to do, you carry out the only logical course of action your brain can come up with, and slip into the sheets beside the princess.

"So umm... I don't really know the rest... I've only read one Terran romance novel and it kinda... Ends, right about now." She says, her face pressed into a pillow.

Gently, you pull her over to face you. Her eyes are locked on your own now, her face still flush and her breath excited.

Leaning in, you lock your lips to her own plush set of pink ones. And Emprah, does it feel good.

Karen seems to be getting the hang of it after several moments, her hands wrapping around to grab onto your back as you slide on top of her.

She gasps as you break off and start back, drawing the blankets over you as you work your way down.

"Max, I don't... AHHH!?"

The sensation of your lips meeting her other pair causes her hips to jump and she grabs your head in shock.

"Relax." You tell her reassuringly. Despite your words, you can still feel the energy poised nervously in her body.

With every lick, a gasp. With every kiss, a moan.

Her hands are still in your hair, only now looser and rubbing your scalp slightly. You may be pretty dense when it comes to some things, but you have a knack for this kind of stuff.

After a long while of preparation, you throw back the covers and unveil your prize.

Karen lays panting slightly on the pink sheet, slightly dampened by the water that remained on her body from her hasty drying. Her breasts rise with each quick breath, and her eyes remain locked in hard on your own.

"Ah... Don't... Stop?" She almost asks, entirely unsure of herself.

You grin, though to reassure her rather than tease. Your inquisitor eyes the breech, consults with the astropaths, and decides entry into the warp is safe.

Karen gasps as you slowly push forward, her hands grabbing your hips and squeezing quite hard. You don't have to guess hard that she's new to this, you know enough about Orks to know they lack any... Tools.

So you take your time, responding to her body as hers does to your own. For several minutes that pass in an eternity, until you come to rest in base to base combat.

"You can, uh. Move now, I think." Karen says after several long moments of rest.

"You sure?" You ask, noticing a small trickle of blood.

"I'm sure." She smiles, gently clasping your side.

So you start to move. Immediately finding yourself on the edge. It may have been due to the show through the curtain, or how she took your armor off. Either way, its all you can do to hang on.

"Tankred... Endures..."

"Huh?" She asks, you halfway through a thrust.

"Err... Nothing."

Karen's moans pick up, louder and only more passionate as you increase your speed. You find yourself making quite a bit of noise as well. Though you certainly got her prepared with your oral abilities, she's got you gripped like a vice. A wet, warm, incredible vice.

Karen's fingernails are almost painful as they dig into your skin, and her clamped eyes and wide mouth combined with that tell you that you are doing well, young padawan.

Reaching out, you cup one of her breasts for a moment, enjoying the bouncing soft orb. Quickly you return it to its place beside her hips, needing the support, and the sensation almost causing you to detonate the krak missile early.

"I'm... I don't know this feeling... What... Ahh? Ahhhh!!!!" Her hands grab you hard and her hips drive up to meet your own. You keep up the pace, riding through her climax. You can't stop now, this is bat country and you have a package to deliver.

Your instincts cut short as she pushes you away quickly, your Inquisitor quite annoyed as it leaves it's tight hideout.

"S-sorry!" Karen gasps, out of breath, "I know it may seem dumb, but I don't know if humans and... Well... I'm not ready to be a mom yet... Ah sorry, this is so stupid of me." She claps her hands to her face.

Her fingers peel open to reveal one of her eyes as you laugh, starting quietly and growing until it fills the whole tent.

"Don't worry, I get it." You tell her kindly. Karen still looks a bit perplexed.

"Umm... I could, you know. Use my mouth, maybe?" She asks, looking to you for guidance.

"Yeah, I'd like that." You smile, giving her long hair a single stroke.

Karen leads you off of the bed, and kneels awkwardly until her face is level with your flagship.

"Hmm..." She gives it a look, tilting her head SHAFT style as she does so.

"Its cute!" She finally smiles, before gently placing her lips around it. You nearly let loose the exterminatus right then and there.

Karen gingerly takes more of it in, though you wince and have to let her know to avoid her canines as she tries to pick up the pace.

The whole while she looks up at you with those innocent eyes illuminated by the lighting above. You twitch, and she must sense you're getting close.

"N-not inside?" She tells you, garbled by the current predicament.

"Gotcha." You manage to gasp.

She quits mukkin about and gets back to work, and work she does. You try to hold out, to hold the line as you were taught in the guard, but there is just no way.

You are at the peak, and this time you can't stop yourself. Though when you try to pull away...

Karen has you gripped hard around the waist, not allowing you to remove your powersword. You can tell just by the look in her eyes that she's grinning as you finally relinquish your plasma onto her tongue, which runs eagerly up the shaft of the blade.

She holds you there for several moments, until your hips stop twitching, your expression a mixture of heavenly pleasure and pure exhaustion, before finally releasing her grip.

"I thought you might like that, maybe?" She asks, her voice a bit off, before swallowing with a strange expression.

"Bitter." She giggles, screwing up her face.

You mutter something unintelligible, before falling backwards onto the bed.

You barely notice as she steps into the bathroom to brush her teeth and gargle mouthwash. Or when she walks back out and helps you into a better position on the bed.

"That was... Incredible." You tell her.

"Hmm? I thought so, too." She says sweetly, rubbing your head, which causes your eyes to close.

Without even realizing it, you've slipped off into dreamland.

"Kirby? The fuck are you doing here? This is Warhammer and you are neither grim nor dark."

"Bitch I swallow things whole, steal their power, and fight the most powerful beings in my known universe all while being pink. I OWN grim and dark."

Tonya sits inside the cold, pressing walls of the dismal tomb. She combs her hair out as she hums something to herself, a tune she knows without knowing where it came from.

All the while she stares at the hat resting upon the framed picture of her beloved. She can't help but smile when she looks at it. One day she will have him, all to herself. One day he will be hers.

"Do you need anything, mistress?" A Necron in a maid outfit asks her, stopping at her doorway after delivering a small nondescript package and a steaming pot of oil.

"No, thank you." Tonya dismisses the maid kindly, and turns back to her shrine, alone again.

"Oh Max," She sighs, laying down on the stone alter and placing her chin on her hands, mere inches from the picture. "Why do you elude me so?"

Checking her communication device again, she sighs dejectedly when it reads "no new messages", as it always does.

Grabbing the hat lightly she rolls over on her bed to face the ceiling. Though she doesn't understand why, a part of her doesn't like this place, with its dim green light and blank grey walls.

Tonya hugs the hat to her chest and closes her eyes as she breaths in. The smell of it is almost like having her darling right there. Almost, but not enough.

"I'll make you mine." She whispers, holding the hat dear.

"I'll make you mine, forever and ever."


"Glory to the Partridges!" Guardsmen cry out as Harry wades his way through them. He and his retinue looking downright fabulous as they do. It had taken him quite a while to make sure his servitors had gotten ever purity seal EXACTLY right.

"Yes yes, we are the champions of this day." He raises his space wolf mug in salute to their cheers.

"Not what I saw." A cold, calculating voice reaches his ears. It cuts through the praise of the Guardsmen like a well honed knife.

"Ah, Creed. Pleasant to see you again, did you enjoy my triumph here?" Despite his cool demeanor, Harry is a bit panicked. Creed being one of the few with sound enough mind and hardened nerves, enough to ignore the powers of the Egomancers.

"Cut the bullshit, Harry."

The chapter master stifles at being called by his first name by a mere general. Though he is furious, he dare not lash out. Creed may be a mere human, but he is a tough and resolute opponent. Even when caught off-guard, his plans are almost always foolproof.

"You and I both know what really happened here." Creed grumbles, his gravely voice still pronounced despite the stogie clutched in his bared teeth.

"Shame, then, how the story will go down in the ages to come." Harry remarks, all pleasantries lost.

Creed grunts once, what passes for a laugh for him.

"We'll see who has the last of it, bird." With that, he turns away and stalks off.

It takes all of his strength to keep himself from losing all to rage. Harry clamps down hard enough on the mug to nearly shatter it, but stops himself from wrecking his favorite belonging.

"Indeed we will." He answers, Creed long gone.

Thread 24[edit]

“Max…” A quiet, somber voice awakens you from your sleep. You crack open your eyes and notice Karen standing over you, dressed in a pink camisole.

“Hmm? What…” You see the entryway open, a Farseer you don’t recognize standing just inside of it. She’s got a faint trace of blood down the front of her armor, and the expression she’s wearing instantly tells you that this is nothing good.

Pulling the sheet around yourself, you stand up and approach her. As you draw near, she extends something out to you. Gently you take the small, thin object from her fingers. She gives you a slight bow of respect as you do.

“What is this?” You ask, but instantly find your voice leaving you far behind.

“He placed it in my hand before he…” The Farseer’s voice trails off.

A picture.

You gaze at it for a long while, how long you’ll never know. It doesn’t register, or maybe it’s just that you don’t want it to.

“Is this some kind of sick joke?” You ask, voice hoarse and choked.

“My sympathies.” The Farseer says, and with a deeper bow she departs back through the entryway.

Knees weak, too weak to stand, you fall backwards into a sitting position on the pink rug beneath you. Placing a hand on your head, you look around the room, and back at the photo.

The picture is a simple one, black and white. Tortuga, you recognize that. You for sure see that you are drunk, severely so. But that isn’t what is eating at you, ravenously tearing your heart from its place in your chest.

Eight is propping you up in the picture, and even though it’s small, almost too small to see, you catch it. A tiny smile, which translates to so much more when you consider the man wearing it.

Scrawled in his chickenscratch, marking the white beneath it is a single word.


Next to it, a few small droplets of brown, dried blood. You don’t even have to ask. You already know what’s happened.

“I’ll… Go make something…” Karen says awkwardly, noticing your expression, and she leaves as well.

Some men say they never cry. Some even say its beneath a real man to cry, that its weakness, for women and children. These are men that have never known true loss.

Nothing could have held back your tears, not all the forces of Malal, not the warp, not even the Emperor himself. With a muffled sound you break down, clutching the photo, unable to look down at it.

“Damn it kid...” You shake your head. You would do anything to turn back time, to just knock him out and not let him go. Though you know, deep down, he would have found a way to slip off regardless.

The hot tears roll freely down your cheeks, and you hang your head in your palm and just let them. You don’t care who sees you, what they might say. Today, a man cries.

When you finally emerge from the tent, it is with a blank face. Adorned in your heavy, grey armor, bristling with weapons.

Karen is waiting outside, having changed somewhere into a fresh set of mechanic digs. She looks up from her racer, grease spots on her clothes, wrench in hand.

“Are you… Alright?” She asks as you stop in front of her. “I will be. I’ve got one last loose end I need to wrap up before the defecation hits the oscillation, so I’ll be heading out.

“Well, good luck.” Karen smiles, giving you a smooch.

“Let’s hope I won’t need it.”

You swallow hard at your own words. You’ve learned a lot during your time on Yagis V, quite a lot. Namely, don’t go near the ocean.

And don’t mess with the Necrons.

Which is precisely what you are about to go do.

…Though you aren’t without second, third, fourth thoughts.

“What the fuck am I about to do?” You ask yourself as you swing a leg up over the bike.

“Good fucking question!” Your mind rages back.

“I’m about to go try to… Reason with an insane undead robot thingy?” You shrug.


Revving the bike up, you don’t dignify that with a response. So what if your brain is screaming at you, Ackbar is sounding all the alarms, and even your spidey sense is telling you to take two steps back, fuck your own face, and think about what you are really doing.

You slip on a pair of shades.

Fuck those guys, they are just going to have to deal with it.

The motor of Mika’s custom bike screams as you wheelie away from the Ork camp. The work she put into every detail really shows when you open up the throttle. Though you admit to yourself that you may be an awesome driver, there is nothing you enjoy driving more than a well made bike.

Faster and faster you fly across the plain, shredding grass into a torrent of green behind your wheels. It doesn’t matter how much speed you put on, you know this isn’t something you can just run away from. The other issue with the Necron certainly isn’t helping you right now either.

Not to mention, one absolutely critical detail.

...That psychobitch currently has your hat.

The ride clears your head, and allows you to think. You need some kind of plan, which isn’t your strong suit.

As you drive across the field of emerald green, you think. You think hard.

Do you smell smoke? Nah, must be your imagination.

An advantage. You need some kind of advantage. It would be crazy to just think you could just waltz on into the Necron Tomb and come out alive. No, scratch that, fleshy.

The thought causes you to shudder slightly. You really enjoy your meaty bits, and imagining as metal slowly replaced…


You skid the bike to a halt, though not at your panicked imagination, but at the terrain. There is a high, rocky ridge with plenty of scrub on it, overlooking a low dry riverbed. You gaze up at the heights, before scowling down at the brown dirt underfoot.

It seems as good a place as any to spring some kind of trap. Now, time to call in some backup.

Punching in a number, you press the device to your head and count the tones.


“Hey Mika. Listen, are you busy right now?”

“M-me? Well, ah… No?”

“Great! Now this might sound crazy but…”

You hear something kick a stone from behind you.

“Who are you talking to, my darling?” Comes an all too familiar voice.

"...How did you even find me?!"

"Silly honey, I've been tracking your communicator."

"...Max? H-hello?" You hear Mika ask quietly, the speaker still against your ear.

"Going to have to call you back, I'm afraid."

“Oh Tonya, I was just about to… HA!” With a shout you whirl around, activating your plasma cannon and praying to the Emprah you were fast enough.

Cold, mechanical hands latch onto your arm, and strong fingers force it shut. Guess not.

Shit! If you fire it now, it’ll probably explode!

Out of time, you do the only other thing you can think of, and grab for your axe…

A blast of gauss against the flat of its blade sends it spiraling out of your hand. The Immortal behind you stands still, it’s calculating eyes watching your every move.

You’re thankful it was at least a decent enough shot to not blow off your other arm. Though you wonder if perhaps it missed.

“Now now, I’ll have to punish you if you’re going to be difficult.” Tonya scolds you with a frown, as though you were some kind of child.

She clamps down on your arm, and with incredible strength, forces you to the ground.

A wicked grin illuminates her features, her eyes alight with a crazy green fire.

“Fuck my life.” You sigh, wishing you had perhaps just ignored the Necrons entirely.

“Don’t worry, soon we’ll make you just. Like. Us.”

The feeling of vertigo overwhelms you as Tonya warps.

You phase in, your head spinning and your stomach feeling as though it had just dropped through your abdomen. The sensation is akin to the worst seasickness you’ve ever experienced, multiplied tenfold.

Clutching at your mouth, it’s all you can do to not just hurl. But you wonder why you even stopped yourself.

Hold it Max, hold it…!

It simply isn’t going to happen.

“Bllaaaarrrrrggghhhhhh!!!!” You wretch, vomit spraying from your mouth like a pressure hose. Brilliant, vibrant green vomit. In any other situation, you may have impressed yourself with the distance, volume, and consistency.

Now, though, it only adds to your feeling of utmost dread.

The Necrons all stand, dead in their tracks, as they look at you. Each now adorned with a fresh coat of your stomach contents.

"Man, tequila and Ork pizza do NOT mix."

...No response from the killer robots from space, not surprising.

You wipe your mouth off on the stone slab in front of you. None of the Necrons have yet moved. Each is looking at you, quite hard, and with stares that may have been humorous if their faces could make them.

Tonya sighs as she grabs you roughly by your pauldron, and begins dragging you across the cool floor of the Tomb.

“Honestly, we were all set to begin the ritual and you delay us with something like that.” The Necron girl shakes her head, as though the mere thought were unimaginable.

“It’s your fault for doing that warp thingy, something about the way you tin cans do it doesn’t work with me.”

“Hmm? Don’t worry, soon enough, nothing like that will bother you, ever again.” Tonya looks back and smiles at you. You know she’s trying to make it look reassuring, but given the context it only adds to her insanity.

Knowing it would be useless to struggle, a crowd of Immortals following close behind in the narrow corridor, you succumb to being dragged. Not that you can’t walk, but if she wants to make you into one of THEM, than fuck her you are going to make her work for it.

Though you may have pissed her off, you can’t fault Tonya for one thing, she is pretty gentle with you. Aside from the whole “ONE Of US. ONE OF US.” Shebang she’s got going.

So much so that it doesn’t hurt as she swiftly peels off your armor, handing it away to a filing line of Warriors. It takes her mere minutes to strip you down to your Commissar outfit. With a light push, she sinks you down into the bath. Yet again.

“So as long as I keep chucking, I can stay human? Better watch out girlie, I can puke my own weight much as a…”

Tonya shoves you underwater, before pulling you back up.

Her face is now hard, her eyes boring right into your own.

“You will become one of us, there is simply no alternative. Delay as much as you wish, we are a patient group.”

You swallow hard, Tonya seeming to have changed in an instant.

“Only after, can we spend an eternity together.” She smiles.

Okay, maybe not.

Though you’ve got a band around your arm, locking your plasma gun and flamer in place, the Necrons made one crucial mistake.

They left your lasfinger alone. You know you will only get one shot at doing anything with it, and that means you might blow it too early or wait too long.


You hate making calls like that.

Oak: “This isn’t the time to use that!”

“Okay! Geeze!”

You decide to wait it out. There’s no telling if your steam idea would work or not anyways, and it’s too risky to blow the one thing you’ve got going for you right now on such a minute chance.

Instead, you simply sit inside the warm water, resting your back against the stone wall of the tub. Tonya hums a quiet song as she scrubs you.

If it wasn’t for her batshit personality, you wouldn’t necessarily mind her doing this.

“Soon enough you’ll be perfect.” She smiles, before continuing to hum.

Ahh but that personality…

Tonya lifts you out of the bath as easily as you would a child. You make a mental note to remember her strength. If it comes down to a test of raw power, you most certainly will lose.

“Now! Its time!” The Pariah exclaims excitedly, before wrapping you in a crimson cloak.

Into your right hand, she places a staff. Onto your head, some kind of Necron-styled headdress.

“Befitting of the lord you shall be.” She smiles.

“Great! So if it’s cool with you, I’ll just be a lord like this and ignore all the robo bits, thanks.”

Tonya giggles as though it were some kind of joke.

The stomping Immortals press from behind, leaving you little choice but to walk forwards. Though there are tunnels crossing left and right that you might be able to run into, the Immortals could gun you down before you ever got out of range.

“So why me?” You ask as the march continues.

“Hmm? Simple. You are you.” Tonya frowns.

“Well that makes about as much sense as I’d expected it to.”

The long walk finally stops in the center of a massive chamber. The ceiling must extend a thousand feet into the air, and the far wall would take you a solid fifteen minutes to reach.

“So this is it, then?” You ask, noticing what appears to be some kind of sarcophagus waiting for you.

“Yes. Here, Max, you shall ascend to the halls of immortality.”

“Hey, mind if I ask you one thing?”

Tonya raises an eyebrow. Which makes you ponder as to why she HAS eyebrows, but you can’t let that distract you now.

“Do you mind if the others wait outside? If this has to happen, I’d like you to be the only one to see.”

You can feel your heart slamming against your ribcage, this might be your one chance at making some kind of a move here.

But first you have to get your pieces into position.

For a fleeting moment, you feel your heart sink as Tonya frowns.

Eternity slows to a standstill, time itself losing its own pace. Until the Pariah nods.

“Very well.” She says quietly, before turning and ordering her honor guard to wait outside.

Now, you just have to try to flirt with her and get your inqui…

  • click*

The sarcophagus opens up, and the mere sight of its interior causes your mind to blank. A wicked series of needles jut out at bizarre angles. Tubes snake through the interior, ending in nozzles and jets. That most certainly doesn’t look like a place you want to end up.

But what choice do you have? You know the lasfinger would be worthless against her from the front at least, and she could blast you in half with her staff pressing against your back as easy as anything.

“Hey, can we talk about this? Maybe think it through?”

Tonya pushes you harder, nearer and nearer toward the horror construct.

“The time for talk can wait until after. We will have much time to talk.”

With a push, she places you into the sarcophagus. You have to scrunch up your body to avoid the needles. But as soon as that door closes, it will force them into you.

“Don’t worry,” Tonya says, noticing your expression, “I love you.”

“I don’t love you.” Is all you reply as you close your eyes and wait for the terror to begin.

But for several moments, there is mere silence.

“But I… I…” Tonya’s face screws up as she stares at you.

“Come to think of it, can you really even call what you feel love? Can a circuit board love?” You ask bitterly.

“I… I can! I’m not a circuit board! I’m Tonya!” She turns away from you and crouches down, holding her temples as she shakes her head.

"Tonya..." You grunt. "You didn't even have a name until I gave you one."

"I love it though. It's me! I'm Tonya and I'll always be Tonya!"

Here, after all this, is the other opportunity you waited for. The lasgun in your finger might be small, but at this range, to the back of her head…

That would be that.

You can end it all, right here, right now.

“How can you even call it love?” You ask, your finger itching to let loose.

Tonya lowers herself to her side, curling up into a ball, still holding her head.

“Because its love. I… Somehow. Somehow I still know love.” She’s shaking now.


“I wasn’t always like this. I know that, though my memories… I know I was different, once. Like you.” She looks back, tears in her eyes. It’s almost as if she was…

“Human.” She sniffs bitterly as she stares at you.

That certainly gives you pause.

“Yes, even I was human once.” She hides her face against the floor.

Gingerly, you step outside and away from the bizarre device she had stuck you in.

“I can only remember a little bit,” She continues, “Only a little, and it was all so long ago now.”

“You weren’t always… You know? Robofied?”

Tonya laughs once, a pained, forced sound.

“No. I used to be so pretty, so fragile… Now… Well, just look at me!” She exclaims, grabbing at her metallic body, a look of disgust adorning her features.

“But I held onto that fantasy of the little girl I was, that one day, I would find my prince.” Tonya sits up, facing you, her eyes hidden behind her bangs.

“So when I saw you… With all those other girls, I thought… I thought…”

Tears are streaming down her cheeks now, and when she finally looks back up at you, it isn’t with the face of a cold metal warrior, but one of a scared girl.

“I thought that maybe, just maybe, you could love me too.” You can’t help yourself. You chuckle a bit.

Tonya looks at you, her eyes flickering.

There’s no stopping it now, you let loose. Your laughter echoes through the chamber, filling it.

“You mean, this WHOLE time, you just wanted what those others had? Damn, girl, all you had to do was ASK!”

You reach down, extending a hand to her. Tonya looks at it, longingly, before gently placing her own inside it.

“That, and maybe not try to make me a Necron. Kind of cramps my style.”


And as you take her hand in your own, you extend one, hard finger.

The las shot rings out, its piercing chime.

Tonya's face is one of surprise, as the blast pierces her forehead. The metal of her skull melting as the shot bores through before zipping out the other side.

The hole smokes slightly, and you can see the charred remains of wires and circuits within it.

"Sorry bitch, but you went too far."

You put your boot on the dead Necron’s skull, and give it a shove. The robot body of the crazy Pariah clangs to the floor, perhaps a bit louder than you had planned on.

Immortals file into the room, each of them stopping to stare at you.

“Going to kill me, eh?” You ask, taking your best fighting stance.

“There’s just one problem for you.” You grin, and hold up a chair.

“I don’t want no troubbr.”

All at once the Immortals open up, gauss fire ripping past you as you run.


The mind attack hurls them backwards, and with everything you’ve still got, you leap over their heads. As you sail over, you crack one in the face with the chair.

“Dayum Jackie! This shit is WACK!” Chris yells as he runs alongside you, the towering Salamander looking panicked despite holding a flamer.

“I don’t want no troubbrrrruuu!!!”

Both of you sprint for the exit, preparing to fight your way through the horde of Necron warriors.


You help Tonya to her feet, and gently wipe the tears from her eyes. Though her exterior may be cold metal, you can sense a warm soul within.

“So… You don’t want to be…”

“NO!” You tell her firmly, hoping she finally gets that point.

“But… If we don’t… What will happen when you finally…” You sigh, before patting her head.

“All mortals die, that is just how things work. I can’t tell you WHAT my future holds, because quite honestly I don’t know. But maybe, someday, I’ll figure out a way… To do something, like that.”

Tonya leans into you as you rub her hair.

“But that is a long ways off, and I still really like this body of mine.”

“Addition: Meatbag.”

“Hush, you.”

“You owe me some hard cash, I had a lot of money riding on you being robofied!”

“Both of you, just shut up, for now at least.” You sigh at your arm, which after a little bitching and “Complaint:”, goes silent.

“I’m sorry. For everything.” Tonya says quietly, before reaching down to her… And pulling out hat-cha…


She removes the Necron headdress, before replacing it with your beloved Commissar hat. The Pariah smiles faintly as she adjusts it.

“Well… That was… Anyways, can we get out of here? No offense but this Tomb gives me the creeps.”

“Sure. I’d go anywhere, as long as it’s with you.” Tonya hugs you around the middle, and despite everything she’s done, you can’t help but return the gesture.

The hug lasts as long as it needs to, for Tonya. You don’t let go until she does, finally, before looking up into your eyes with a smile.

“If you don’t mind, and I know it won’t be fun at all… But I’ve got a friend that I need to see. One last time.”

Tonya takes the picture that you offer her, and looks it over with a sad expression.

"I forgot what its like, to miss someone." She whispers, squeezing your hand.

You couldn't be aware, not then, of the price of a god.

The two of you emerge, at long last, out into the fresh air. You suck it in, filling your longing lungs with its sweet, sweet taste.

“I really, really don’t like that Tomb.” You groan, stretching your legs, now back in their armor. Tonya had it cleaned for you, and it shines like it never has before.

“It’s a bit… Dim, even for me.” She admits.

The gentleman that you are, you help her onto the back of the bike after swinging yourself onto it. The Pariah takes a moment to get comfortable, before grabbing you around the waist and holding tight. Too tight.

“Hurk… Uhh? T-Tonya?!” You gesture to your throat.

“Ah! Sorry! It’s just…” She glances down at the bike, then back at you, looking downright terrified.

“I’m not used to going fast, at all.”

“Well you’d better hold onto your panties… Do you…?”

“Want to… See them?” She asks, raising the skirt she had put on ever so slightly.

“Well I mean… But later! Just hold on tight, but don’t choke me out!”

With that you rev up the engine, and twist the throttle. Even at the low speed you take, Tonya is panicking like you are moving at a million miles an hour. With every bounce she gasps, with every rock she “eeep!”s.

You admit, you find it rather cute. But unfortunately for her, you’ve got your mind on something else at the moment. Right now that letter in your pouch feels like it weighs as much as a Titan, as does the weight on your heart.

Your mother had told you once, when you were young, that everyone has their choices to make. For better or for worse, Eight had made his. You aren’t going to sully his memory by thinking he chose wrong. You just wish you had gotten a chance, just one, to really say goodbye.

Though it was a bit late, too late, you were going to tell him. You were going to tell him, and then take that envelope and bury it, in the black dirt of Catachan. You would do whatever it took to carry out that final wish, he deserved it.

I look out over a field of green. All seems surreal. I know none of this is reality. I know, and yet find myself at ease with that fact.

The shapes, the colors… Everything muted in a white haze. A washing white bloom that is almost too bright.

But despite everything, I feel something I haven’t perhaps ever felt, or maybe I simply can’t remember. Whole.

I walk through the vast expanse, eyes half lidded. I walk, and walk, and walk. This place seems endless, perhaps it is. I crest a hill, and stop, my eyes opening wide now.

Two dark shapes stand in front of me, and though I can’t see their faces, I don’t have to. It’s been so long, but I know who it is that I see.

Will they understand? Will they take me back into their arms, will they finally bring me to peace? Or are they here to judge me? To berate me for a life of death, of murder and misdeed and ill fortune onto others?

I hesitate now, perhaps more than I ever have.

Until the figures raise their arms, welcoming me with the promise of a warm embrace I haven’t known for far too long a time.

“Home.” I whisper, though there is no sound in this place. I start to run toward them, abandoning any remaining doubt. No, they aren’t here to force me to deal with my past. At long last, I’ve found what I’ve been yearning for most of my remembered existence.

Nearer and nearer I draw, and I can’t help myself as I shed tears. I have so much to tell them, I want them to listen, to hear how I’ve missed them both.

I know they will listen. I know they will finally bring me to a much needed rest.

A faint, dark blotch in front of me. My elation falters as I see it, it looks so out of place here…

A void begins to open in front of me. Dark and evil, like the gullet of a terrible beast. Howling winds the only sound, as though a slew of angry Daemons clawing at me.

Shocked, I skid to a stop, putting up my arms to shield my face from the wind. The black chasm only continues to grow, and I watch in terror as the figures on the far side slowly begin to drift away, still standing on the far side.

“No!” I shout, and in a last ditch attempt, I jump.

Far. Too far. I can’t make it.

My fingers reach out longingly, aching to feel the far side. But to no avail. Falling, down and down, tumbling into the darkness.

A long, ragged breath.

A forest alive again with the sound of morning, dew clinging to all.

“No.” I whisper up at the canopy above.

I can feel the life in my bones, no pain present in my side. Cold. I feel cold again.

I hate it. I hate it more than I’ve ever hated anything.

…I don’t want this.

My hand reaches out, searching, until I find it. A cruel piece of steel, an instrument of my deeds.

I’ll go back. Back to that place. Back to the promise it held. Cold metal against my temple, like a kiss of death. I’ll go back…

  • click*

The Expitus pistol falls from my hand as my head sinks and my knees rise to meet it.


Why can I never have what I want, why is every choice made for me?

“Because this isn’t your story, not yet.” A melodious voice reaches through the branches, skirting the trees until it graces my ears.

Footsteps crunch leaves underfoot as someone, or something, approaches. I don’t care at this point. Hopefully whatever it is will just send me back. I want to talk to them again, I want to…

“Surely you don’t think that vision was real? Do you?”

“Real enough.” I clutch my side. The blood is dry now, and the hole is gone.

“You’re a peculiar one, aren’t you?” Whatever it is asks, now standing over me. I don’t even bother to look up.

“Is it too much to ask, for all of this to just be over? I died for something, I died the best way I could have. At least… At least give me that.”

“Hmm… Sorry, but that isn’t my place. No, Eight, we can’t turn back time, not now.”

I sit up, reaching around, looking for something else now. I find it, and slowly place one in my lips. A flick of the lighter, and I draw in.

“Just who are you?” I finally look over, nothing can shock me now.

A beautiful girl. Well, that I hadn’t expected. Though not a girl, but rather…

“Daemon…” I frown.

The girl with a light blue hue smiles, brushing aside a feather that falls into her face as she sits down next to me.

“That’s right.” She nods, brushing out her dress of leaves.

“Why?” I ask simply, though really that question carries all the weight of anything else I could have asked at that moment.

“Because your friend made a deal.” She replies with a smile, and a twinkle in her soft hazel eyes.

The cigarette falls out of my lips, I’ve forgotten about it. “Max… Did?”

The girl nods, reaching out and picking up the still glowing cig, which she places back.

“That’s right. A deal with my mother.”

A well of intense anger, which quickly subsides. Max may not think anything through, he may not look two steps ahead, but if there’s anything I know about him, it’s that he wouldn’t do something like this on purpose… That doesn’t make me feel any better.

“She tricked him.” I state.

The girl smiles, perhaps sadly, as she places a hand on my shoulder.

“Not a difficult thing.”

“Perhaps not. Before this goes any further, I’m going to let you know, I won’t be a pawn in any kind of game. I won’t be…”


I open my mouth to reply, but think better of it and close it shut. I only give her a hard stare in return.

“Well, I expected that, or rather, we did. We certainly aren’t playing fair, are we?” She giggles, rubbing my arm.

“Fair. Hah.” I shrug her off and let myself back onto the ground, still stained in my own blood.

“What is ever fair.”

The Daemon lies back alongside me, looking deep in thought. “Nothing is ever fair, I suppose.”

She stops for a moment, and I know she’s looking over at me, but I won’t give her the satisfaction of looking back. I want her to know that it wasn’t my choice to come back here, that if it had been up to me, I would have stayed dead.

“Well, we knew you would be like this. Which is why we thought to offer you something else in return for your help.”

I snort mockingly at her words.

The girl sighs, before sitting up. She pulls my head over onto her lap, though I struggle. I know she’s using some kind of warp trick, whatever you can even call something like that. With two fingers, she gingerly plucks the cigarette out of my mouth.

“Gee, how persuasive. Just let me…”


This is… I don’t even know…

The wind blows through the forest as she sits back up, a faint smile gracing those lips that just were... On my...

“Rest now, you’re going to need it.”

Hah, rest. As though I could sleep. As if I could…


Tzeentch's only daughter, between Lilith and Kaleshi in age


"Ara ara~"


The blue tzeentchette starts, and does her best to turn quickly without awakening the sleeping Vindicare.

Her three sisters are all standing there, giving her a knowing and evil grin.

"Hey hey Niut, what was that, just now?" Kaleshi teases, knowing full well how to push her younger sister's buttons.

"N-nothing!" Niut snaps.

"Hmmm? Was it good, I never expected to see your first..." Nyx takes over, grinning behind her hand.

"I-it... J-just as planned!" Niut shouts, before warping out, Assassin in tow.

You look down at the envelope as you ride, thinking to yourself. Though you do want to open it, it just doesn't feel right.


With a startled yelp, you slam the brakes and the bike skids sideways, you can barely keep it up.

Tonya is screaming.

You, are screaming.

After skidding for a good few hundred yards, the bike finally tilts over and you put your foot down to stop it. Your chest is heaving fast as you breath rapidly.

"What was that just now!?" Tonya yells, clearly shaken up, and clutching onto you harder than ever.

"I don't know." You state simply, blinking rapidly as you try to clear your head.

You DON'T know, really. There was some kind of spike in energy and you could feel it, in your BRAIN.

In your experience, that is rarely, if ever, a good thing.

An experience proven wrong as a warp hole opens in front of you.

And out steps... Out steps...

"YOU MOTHER FUCKER, WAS THIS ALL SOME KIND OF JOKE WITH THE ELDAR?!" You berate Eight even as you down a handful of bear leaves to give him the biggest hug of his life.

"No, I really did... Did you just..."

You can only respond with a roar.

"What just happened, whats going on?!" Tonya yells, entirely confused.

Eight hesitates, but only for a moment, before snatching the pouch off of your belt.

"Wait, what are you...!?"

"Trust me, this is the only way!" Eight yells, even as he stuffs his own mouth full and crunches down.

"Max this is.... ROOAAARRRRR!!!"

"ROOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!" You bellow back at your bear comrade. In the land of bears, fierce mountain bears rarely can bear with another bear, but you can bear with this one, if only bearly.

Another warp hole, and both the startled Tzeentchette and Pariah turn toward it.

"NOW THIS IS MY KIND OF PARTY!" Doomrider grins as he surveys his surroundings, watching Max and Eight roaring and clawing at various things. He pulls out something from his belt, a mad cackling laugh following.

"HERE, EAT THESE!" He chucks the two things out, and Max and Eight, both bears, devour them whole.

"What was... What are... What did you give them?!" Tonya asks, not knowing what the fuck is going on.

"OH NOTHING, JUST A LITTLE ICE!" Doomrider can't contain himself, and shovels a literal shovel full of assorted substances into his mouth.

"I-ice?" Niut asks nervously, still a bit upset at being caught by her sisters.

A drop pod falls from the sky, slamming into the dirt with a force that shakes the very earth around it.

Darkhammer bursts forth, grinning as he strolls.

"Ha ha, time for bear leaves!"

Four bears. Four glorious, terrifying bears.

They bound across the desolate snowlands of the north, headed toward the great castle beyond, a dark place nestled in the mountains of the lost kingdom.

"ROAAARRR!!!" Eight says.

"ROAR ROAR ROOOARR!" Max agrees.

They all steel their bearnerves for what is to come, the finality, the greatest fight of all time.

The battle that will end the world.

Burgundy awaits, high upon his wizard tower, brushing his crown of rainbow furs out of his face.

"So, it begins." He says quietly, watching the approaching bears as they charge up the icy hill.

Only he is rendered momentarily speechless, shocked to silence, as the bears rise up.

And put on ice skates.

"Hah, so you've come to face me at long last, have you?!" Burgundy shouts from upon his tower of compensation.

"ROAAARRRR!!!" Darkhammer exclaims, slashing to a halt alongside his brothers.


The other bears look over at him, at his spinning eyes of color and his mat of ever changing fur.

Doomrider shrugs.

"Well, you'll find me no easy opponent!" Ron shouts, as he activates his jet pack.

Eight raises his arms, and uses his rapid fire claw attack. The sharp black hooks sailing through the air, coming close to Burgundy, though the wizard dodges expertly.

"ROOOOAAAAAAARRRR!" Max bellows as he increases speed, heading right toward a jagged jut of ice. With deft expertise, he launches himself into the sky, paw raised for attack.

"Aha! A brilliant attack!" Ron laughs, before juking around at the last moment.

"Now, things are really heating up, its really getting out of hand fast. And you know what that means." The dark wizard grins his terrible grin.

"ROOAARRR!!!!" Darkhammer yells in warning, but too late.

They are powerless to stop Burgundy as he raises his lips to the conch shell, and blows hard. The resounding noise causes avalanches across the mountain range, and resonates across the world.


Max lands, whirling around in shock. If Burgundy summons his news team, there's no stopping his evil.

"ROAAAARRRRRRR!!!!" Max shouts in anger, attacking again and again. Each time, the wizard throws up another shield of rainbows.

Doomrider knows its no use, already he can see the four riders of doom approaching.

"IVE GOT A GRENNAADDDEEEE!!!" One of them shrieks, sitting so he's faced toward the ass end of the horse.

"ROOARRR?!" Eight shouts.

"ROAR!" Max agrees quickly. If there is any chance of winning, they are going to have to use THAT.

Darkhammer dodges a charging stampede of nefarious black panthers, dropping several with his HAMMMER CLAWS.

There's no time, there simply isn't...!!!!

"ROOOOAR!" Max shouts, causing all the other bears to look upwards.

A glorious, golden bear descends from the heavens, paws outstretched.

The world stops at a standstill as he lands, resuming when he opens his eyes.

"ROOAR! Dudes!" He roars, with a grin.

"ROAR!" Max shouts, bearfisting the Emperbear.

"ROAR Bear!" He returns with a grin.

They all know its time, those five bears of fate. Time, at long last, to put an end to all that is Ron Burgundy.

"ROAR!" They all shout in unison.

And with that, bear gattai.

The five bears all leap into the air, spinning around in a circle of furious snow, ice, and alcohol. Even the dark wizard himself steps back in shock at the sight.

"Odin's raven! They are really doing it!" He exclaims as he watches.

Sure enough, the bearazord lands with a deafening boom, before rising off of it's knee and punching its paw.

"You bear, we heard you like to bear so we put a bear in yo bear so you can bear while you bear!" Xzibit yells with a thumbs up.

"ROOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!" The bearazord yells, before assuming a fighting stance.

"Oh yeah, lets dance. News team! BEARFIGHT!" Burgundy yells as he summons a lance of pure ego and hits his jetpack thrusters.

The four knights of the apocalypse charge as well, and the bearazord rushes toward them.

Again and again they clash, trading blows, each feeling the pain of battle.

"ROOAAR! Dudes, ROAAARRR!!!" The Emperor of Bearkind exclaims.

"ROAR!" Max nods, turning back as the wizard and his minions all charge at once.

"ROOAR ROOAR, ROAR ROOAR, ROAR ROAAR, ROAR ROOAR ROAR ROAR ROAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!" Max roars as he leaps, drawing back his paw into a fist and then punching outwards.

"I'm in a glass box of emmooottioooonnn!!!!" Burgundy howls as the bearing finger slams into his wave of forces.

A massive struggle, the power alone causing great crags in the earth to split open and the seas to swell. Each side vying to push back the other.

With a final "ROOOAAAAAARRRR!" The bearazord emerges victorious.

"Jazz fluuutttttttt.....!!!" Burgundy shouts, one last hurrah in the face of his own demise.

The burning bear fist obliterates the dark wizard, and his four horsemen, and the world can again know peace from this evil.

The two girls stand, watching in utter amazement at the sight.

Even the Emperor of Mankind himself had teleported in, stuffed his own mouth full, and joined into the fray.

They had watched, quite lost for words, as the boys went at it.

Again and again, they would roar to each other. Again and again, they would lash out in attack, or fall back in injury.

But there was no denying, that at the end of the day, they had emerged victorious. Though only after forming some kind of... Thing, as they each clamped onto one of the Emperor's limbs and Eight on his back where he made "pew pew" noises with his fingers outstretched.

"Wow, they really gave those things a thrashing."

"Yeah, poor shrubbery never stood a chance." Tonya agrees, before frowning.

"Ni!" She adds.

"Huh?" Niut turns to the necron, quite puzzled.

"I... I don't know why I said that..." Tonya says with a deep, lost frown.

Thread 25[edit]

"Ugh..." You groan loudly as you sit up at long last, grabbing at your head with both hands to try to slow the spinning world down. It doesn't work.

Though you notice, without really caring at this point, that your friends have disappeared.

Because at this very moment, there is only one thing you care about.

"I need some damn coffee..."

"Darkhammer said the same thing."

You start at the unseen voice, peering around, entirely unprepared to face whatever Tzeentchian horror awaits.

"Have at you, daemon."


You tilt your head up, your eyes rising to meet Tonya's.

"Oh, just you."

The Pariah laughs a small laugh, before canting her head and giving you a ponderous once-over.

"...I was pretty serious about that coffee..."

With several struggling, old-man grunts, you finally pick yourself up off of the ground with a last heave. Grumbling, you scratch at your chest, which does nothing through the power armor.

"Damn it..."

"You alright?" Tonya asks, her face one of... True concern?

"Decidedly not, I forgot how bad those things leave you the next morning." You tell her even as you reach around to grab the last of your gear.

"What did we do, anyways?"

"Nothing much. Attacked some shrubbery for a few hours, and I think you hibernated after that."

"Feels more like I went a few rounds with an Ogryn in an old timey no-gloves match."

"Probably from you headbutting the ground and biting at..."

"Don't need a play by play, I'd rather not know, I think."

With a sigh, you sling yourself up onto the bike and peer at your necron girl. It wasn't too long ago now that she was trying to make you into some kind of cold robotic science experiment. Which, for good reason, wasn't exactly your cup of tea.

"So where are we headed, anyways?" She asks, hefting herself up onto the bike behind you.

"Beats me, I was headed for the nearest coffee place."

"...Its four hours past nightfall."


"Nothing, I guess? Its just that, I prefer..."

You crane your neck to look back, mouth agape in horror.

"Tea?" She finishes quietly.

Damn robots and their soulless excursions into destroying humankind, they could at least let you have your bean juice without having to explain yourself.

"So let me get this straight, instead of wanting the excrement of ground up beans and hot water, you want... Leaves, steeped in water?"

"I prefer tea, but I'm fine with either, I suppose."

You can only just turn back around, shaking your head. You knew by this point, that the Necrons were pretty wacked out.

"Damn straight!" Chris shouts.

"No trobburrr!!!"

The Salamander hangs his head and leaves.

...But you didn't know that the Necrons could be soulless enough to choose tea over coffee. Monsters, pure monsters the lot of them.

"Wait." You sit up in the firm leather seat of the bike.

"What kind of tea?" You ask, turning back to Tonya.

"Well the best kind, of coarse." She grins, forcing you to smile back, your lips moving on their own.

"Earl grey." You finish for her.

"I was going to say Chai, but that works too."

"Damn straight it does." You grumble as you fire up the bike. If you are going to have tea, you are at least going to have the greatest tea in the Imperium of man.

As you rev up the engine, your mind gives you a none-too-subtle "FUCK YOU BUDDY!" at the loud and obnoxious noise.

Mika's custom bike, is if nothing else... Well, it pretty much is everything you could ask for in a bike. Massive engine capable of plaid, check. Plenty of dakka, check. Servo skull navigation system... Well maybe you can get one of those eventually.

For now, you just rely on your trademarked sense of direction to see you through.

"Max, I don't mean to be rude but..." Tonya scans around, looking at the decrepit trees that seem to hang limp and dead in the silent forest. "I don't think this is the right way."

She's probably right, but above all else you are a man. If there is one thing you know about being a man, its this. You never ask for directions, because you always know exactly where it is you are going.

...Though it takes you about an extra hour to get to the small town thanks to your "shortcut".

After a slow, rolling stop, you kill the engine and lean the bike on its kickstand.

"Pip's House of Cheer.", which you can surmise is a tea house because of the billboard telling you so. Sometimes you are impressed at your own genius.

It also helps that its the last building still standing, the rest all appear to have been leveled. Probably by some of the blown out tanks scattered around.

Too tired to scan for traps, you enter.

Which means, as you should have expected on Yagis V, that there is a trap waiting for you.

The rope net springs upwards, snatching you and Tonya and pulling you close to the ceiling.

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" You ask, struggling against the thick coiled ropes.

Suddenly, from below, you spot movement.

"Max, what are those?" Tonya asks, pointing.

Below you, armed with bolt guns and sticks, are six servitors.

Chav servitors.

"WE CAN TALK THIS OUT LIKE GENTLEMAN!" You shout, even as you activate your plasma cannon and send a burst into two of the servitors standing close together.

"We can wot mate?"

"INTELLIGENT DISCUSSION!" Your lasfinger catches another through the skull, dropping it like a bag of potatoes. Boil em, mash em, stick em in a stew.

A dozen Immortals warp in and all at once the small cafe is ablaze with gauss fire.

The Chavbots are yelling out unintelligible things, none of which you can hear over the roaring crackle of your flamer, the whine of your lasfinger, or the drone of your plasma cannon.

"...Didn't you whisper to me that we were going to try to talk our way out of this?" Tonya asks as the smoke clears, the Chavitors all in smouldering pieces.

"You can't talk to them, they are immune to logic, and jedi mind tricks."

"Jedi... What?"

You stare Tonya in the eyes, and quite surprised, she stares right back. With a small, mystical wave of your hand, you speak.

"You will not turn me into a Necron."

"...Didn't I already say I wouldn't?"

As you cut yourself down, helping Tonya to the floor, you can't help but smirk.

Jedi mind tricks, gets em every time.

The Immortals having quietly gathered up the bodies and dragged them into a closet, you and Tonya are left alone to your drinks.

"How is it? Its been a while since I've tried making any." The Necron girl says, scratching her cheek shyly.

"Not bad...?" You tell her, trying to pick the scarab out of your mug without her noticing.

With a sigh, you lean back in the chair and take another drink. Or try to.

"Where the fuck do you all keep coming frommmm??!?!" You hiss quietly at yet another scarab pulled from the mug.

"Now that we're alone, there's something important we need to discuss." Tonya says, turning solemnly back to you.

"The Necron alliance with us, right right..." You shrug.

"That can wait." Tonya tells you, stirring her tea.

"Still have no plans of becoming a Necron."

Tonya sets down her tea suddenly, locking eyes with you.

You sigh, and sink a little lower in the seat.

"Yeah I know, I could stand to be a bit more serious, but just... Not tonight."

You awake, quite groggily, in Tonya's arms. You must have dozed off, because she's carrying you princess style through a wide wooden hallway.

With a pomf, she drops you onto a bed, having already stripped you of your power armor.

"Wah, what are we going to do..."

"You know damn well what we're going to do." She interrupts.

With a flick, she shuts off the lights.

A firm pillow under your head, cool sheets pulled up around you...

Certainly not what you had expected.

Especially now that there is a naked Pariah next to you, staring right at the ceiling.

"Huh, that isn't what I thought you were implying."

"Hmm? What did you expect?"

A cool, metallic hand clasps around your very confused but very intrigued inquisitor.



"Well, I suppose if it will help you sleep." The Necron says, bemused as she swings herself over to straddle you.

"You sure about this one, bud?" Your inquisitor asks.

"Not in the least." You have no reassuring words for him.

"Emprah preserve us all." He says, staring up into the waiting Necron tomb.

The sensation is... Different, that much is true. Not warm like the others, but not cold either. Snug and somehow calculating, it isn't a bad feeling.


Until you hit the gears, at least.

--- "RAAAWWWWWGGGGGGG!!!!" You howl in pain as your inquisitor meets a whirring set of cogs.

The gears keep spinning, however, and there is nothing you can do, no amount of struggling capable of freeing you now.

Your agony echoes through the room as the gears continue to pull, ripping at your flesh.

With a terrible realization, you see that they aren't about to stop.

"No Tonya, no!"

With a terrible, metallic grin, Tonya only says one thing.

"Hue hue hue."

The horrible process continues, more and more of your flesh being sucked up... A sickening sense of realization.

Its eating you.

All of you.

It takes twenty minutes for her to consume you whole, though only fifteen for you to finally die.

Her belly extended now, Tonya gives it a satisfied pat before letting out a small burp. She covers her mouth, embarrassed.

"Thanks for the meal." She grins. ---

"Whoa! What are those?!" You jerk your hips back quite suddenly.

"My mistake, I'll slow them down."

Slowly, she sinks back down and you meet the gears yet again.

Wet, soft gears?

"Oh wow that feels... good?!" You twitch and convulse at the sensation.

"Ah~! It does!" She gasps, grinding herself down and forcing you deeper, which causes you to grab at the sheets.

"Wait if you d...!!!!" Unable to stop yourself, you flood the tomb with your plasma.



"Already?" She asks, looking a bit amused.

Not about to let a Necron of all races give you any shit about finishing early, you flip her over onto her stomach.

Slamming your inquisitor home yet again, you start to give it your all to make up for your previous error. Tonya, no longer poking fun at you, is clutching the pillow as she gasps.

You aren't quite sure how a Necron orga...

Tonya suddenly convulses, her entire body shaking as she lets out a loud moan which turns into garbled machine code. Her eyes glow a brilliant green for a few brief moments, illuminating the entire room in a faint glow.

After that display, she sinks down into the bed, and you collapse on top of her.

"Wow." You can't help grinning as you lay down once again in the rather nice bed.

"Wow what? You're not even close to done for the night." Tonya says, a mischievous tone in her voice.

"What do you mean?"

--- But all too late, you realize.

"You should have known I wasn't about to give up." She smiles, her Immortals already holding you down.

"Uhh... Wat?"

Tonya sighs in complaint as two more Necrons drag a glowing green trunk into the room.

"Its a portable unit, but it will just have to make due."

There is no escape now...

Max is turned into a Necron, he spends the rest of his life yearning to live again, despite his Pariah waifu. ---

You sit up in the bed, too tired to even sleep at this point.

For what its worth, Tonya hasn't slept either, though you aren't sure if she even needs to.

"Oh, morning already?" She chimes happily, drawing aside the curtains to take in the sunrise.

"So now I can get some sleep?" You almost plead.

"Sleep? No no, we've got to get going! Did you forget everything the Emperor told you before he left?"


Tonya sighs, her hands on her hips as she looks down at you.

"Today is the big tactical meeting. We're all supposed to gather together to work out how to defeat Malal and his forces."

"All of us...?"

"Yes, all of us. The Eldar, the Tau, the Orks, everyone."

Pulling the covers over yourself, you turn around and close your eyes.

"Cool, let me know how it turns out."

"You can't skip, not today."

"Why?" You groan.

"Because this whole thing could fall apart without you. You are what is holding this shaky foundation together, at least for now."

"Five more minutes?"


Tonya drags you out of bed, and helps you into your armor yet again. At least some tea perks you up, noticeably absent any scarabs this... Well, nearly scarab-free.

The Pariah hustles you onto the bike, in quite a rush it seems.

"Step on it, or we will be late!"

Error 404 - Bike skills not found

"Max watch it!" Tonya shouts as you nearly collide with a tree.

"Hnerk?" You look up just in time.

To see the tree you do hit.

Despite rolling end over end across the ground, and skidding to a painful halt, you pass out upon stopping. Simply too tired to stay awake at this point.

An explosion, perhaps your motorcycle exploding, you don't have your eyes open to see.

Until, that is, the trees start attacking you.

"Ow, what the fuck is going on!" You shout, scrambling to your feet as another heavy branch pummels you on the back.

"The trees! Get away from the trees!" Tonya shouts, running for the road.

"Owwww! Bitch!" You smack at another set of branches with your axe as they rake you. Again and again they rake you.

Just as you are about to dive for the road, a root leaps up to give you a nice punt.

"Fuck you and every oak that looks like you!" You cry, before landing hard on the pavement. Well at least your face broke most of the fall for you.

"Are you alright!?" Tonya shouts, rushing over to you.

You spit out a mouthful of twigs, angrily wiping at your tongue to get bits of bark off of it.

"Lets just get to this damn meeting." You grumble, looking at the smoldering wreckage of your bike as more trees continue to beat on the flaming remains.

By the time you arrive, you are incredibly late. Beyond the point of even a cool late arrival. More like being the dick who forgot shit was even going on.

It doesn't help that you're sound asleep by the time you arrive, nor that you adamantly refuse to wake up once there.

"Well this is a problem..." Ailia comments, as the girls crowd around to look you over.

"Tch! Up, you!"

A psyonic jolt rips through your body, and you leap to your feet almost instantly, your eyes peeled as wide as they can be.

You lower your eyes at Esh, who glares back.

"You're late." She states.

Lost for words, you do the only thing you can think of.

"Yowtch!!!" She cries as your hand smacks into her rump with a satisfying sound.

"Serves you right, some cold water would have worked."

"I told you we should have gone with my plan." Senna grumbles.

"Your plan was to dose him up with combat drugs." Kaleshi states as Lycheria raises a concerned eyebrow.

"I-I'm just glad he's here..." Mika adds quietly.

"Well you all seem to be getting along pretty well." You speak up as you take a seat and reach for a bowl of assorted snacks.

"It's because we've all had to put up with you, common enemy and all that." Esh smirks.

"Hows that backside?"

Her smile quickly fades.

"You'll get yours for that."

"Hey dudes, I mean its great and all that we're all together and whatnot. But can we get on to this stuff now? Its kind of important man."

You finally notice the Emperor standing next to Creed and the four chaos gods, all of whom are watching your antics.

"Yeah, lets make it happen, the faster this gets done the better. But I want to know exactly what I'm doing here, I mean, plans aren't exactly my strong suit." You shrug.

"Precisely why you have to be here." Tzeentch says, despite looking quite unhappy to see you.


"Its simple, really. You are the anti-plan."

"The what?"

"The anti-plan. As in you can take a perfectly good plan and completely fuck it up, like you always do, always messing with my pl...!"

The Emperor grabs Tzeentch and does his best to calm the fuming raven goddess down. She struggles, clearly quite angry.

"That's why she doesn't like you, you're always messing up her plans." Kaleshi whispers to you, before biting your ear.

"Ow. I see, so that's been her beef with me this whole time, that I screw up plans?"

"Screw up? More like implode." Niut adds.

A faint hiss and a sharp pain in your neck.

"What the fuck is with everyone... Oh hey Doomrider."

"JUST SOMETHING TO KEEP YOU AWAKE!" He gives you a thumbs-up.

"What was it?"


"Seems safe."


While the girls and various commanders and generals get together hatching some kind of battle plan, you add in insightful tips to help them out.

Like how fast your heart is beating, and how awesome of a drummer Neil Peart is.

"Also I don't much care for your purple balloon face." You shake your head disappointingly at Creed.

"I think you gave him a bit too much." The General eyes Doomrider wearily.

"I DIDN'T MEASURE IT." The Daemon admits with a grin.

"Here, maybe this will help." Senna hits you with her own injection before the wall of protests can stop her.

"You've been waiting to do that this whole time, haven't you..." Senda glares.


You don't know why the colors are all talking, or why your heart is now a baneblade, or why this room is actually ancient aliens.

All you know, is one simple thing.

"I have a massive erection." You state, loud enough for the entire gathering to hear.

"...Classy." Esh facepalms.

"Oh, I think I gave him the wrong one..." Senna admits, flipping through her key ring of syringes.

"Maybe we should get him out of here? I don't think he's going to be much use like this..." Lycheria says, poking you in the forehead, which draws no reaction.

"The colors, duke, the colors..." Your tongue lolls off to the side of your mouth.

"He p-probably just needs some sleep.." Mika says, tenderly closing your eyes.

While the real planners get back to their task at hand, the girls carry your rather limp form to a different tent and lay you down on a pile of sleeping bags and pads.

"Should we just... Leave him here, then?" Karen scratches her head, quizzically giving you another look.

"Lets at least get him out of this armor, or he'll wake up with a sore neck." Lycheria laughs as she gets to it.

It doesn't take the group long to get you out of your armor, in fact it hardly takes any time at all. They seem to work well together in a group.

The girls pause at the doorway, turning back to look at you.

"Get some sleep." Senda says quietly.

You sit up in bed quite suddenly, your eyes alight with crackling warp energy.

"No one sleeps tonight."

"Max what are you..."

"Activate tentacle dicks." You say, staring blankly forwards.

"Haha, oh Max get some... Good gods he isn't kidding, look out!!!"

With a satisfied groaning stretch, you emerge from the tent at long last. Its a new day entirely, a fresh morning dew adorning the ground.

"A great day for a final battle." You admit, cherishing the sunrise.

A groggy torrent of curses and complaints follows as you fling open the rest of the windows with a flourish of your mind powers.

The girls all look incredibly tired, exhausted even.

"Haha, what got into you all last night? Stay up doing boring plans and whatnot? I slept great!" You snatch a cup of coffee from a passing servitor and take a long sip out of the Blood Ravens mug.

"What got into us? What GOT INTO US?!?!?" Esh fumes.

"Quit complaining bitch, you know you liked it." Kaleshi smirks from behind her Sudoku book, adjusting her glasses.

None of this registers with you, too enthralled with the happenings of the camp around you. The whole army is mobilizing, and by army, you mean everybody.

Orkz are helping Guardsmen load up shells, Eldar and Tau are discussing something... This is a scene that a few weeks ago, would have been an utter impossibility.

"Well hat-chan, its been a fun ride hasn't it buddy?"

"Max, we need to talk."

"Talk? Why?"

"Dude, I'm pretty sure that was some crazy Slaaneshi shit last night, I'm kind of concerned for you, as a friend."

"Ah, don't fret little buddy, it will all work out."

"Max, who are you talking to?" A familiar voice asks from beside you.

"Huh? Oh, sup Eight, didn't see you there. My hat."

"Your... Hat?"

"My hat."

"...Right. Well you should get your group moving, we're heading for point Alpha in half an hour."

"Point Alpha... Point Alpha... Why does that sound familiar?" You rub your chin in thought.

"Ah well, it probably isn't important anyways. Hey girls! Get up, its time to go fight!"

"How can you be so awake? You didn't even sleep at all last night!" Ailia laments as she pulls on her pilot suit.

"What? I slept great." You shake your head with a chucke. Tau aren't great at jokes.

"Whatever, lets just get this over with." Esh grunts, hefting her spear and walking out past you.

"I am so ready for this!" Kaleshi booms, sprinting out after her, already adorned in her armor and chainaxe in hand.

The rest of the girls file out, most looking quite tired.

"I-Its not that I mind, but that was k-kinda w-weird..." Mika says as she stops in front of you, before looking you in the eyes, giving a small squeal, and running off to go find Rex and her Stormblade.

"Well dude, it's been one hell of a wave." The Emperor walks up next to you and claps you on the shoulder.

"No matter how this goes down man, you've made me proud."

"Thanks Emps."

He gives you a thumbs-up before walking toward a group of very tough looking armor clad bad asses who present him his flaming sword.

Well, now you are all set for this final battle. Knowing that, you hop onto the nearest tank and stand upon it, folding your arms defiantly.

"Right then you lot, lets get it on."

"That's cool and all, bro, but we aren't your ride." Helena sighs.

"I can ride with whoever I damn well please." You frown.

"Yeah, but we are the ambush group, not the point Alpha crew."


"And you specifically said you were heading to point Alpha, not get off of my tank!"

Helena wings a wrench at you, which bounces harmlessly off of your pauldron.

"Pfft, whatever, this tank isn't cool enough for me anyways." You stick out your tongue and hop down.

"Cool story bro."

Both of you make faces at each other for a minute.

"...But make sure you come back alive." Helena adds as you turn to go.

"I always do, don't I?" You grin.

"Don't soil your record now then." She frowns, before closing her eyes, sighing, and then smiling at you, "I'll come kick your ass back alive if I have to."

"I won't need it, this shit is in the bag." With one last wave, you head off toward the...


"You know me, how could I say no to drugs, booze, and crazy women?"

"HAHA, TOO RIGHT!" You and Doomrider brofist.

"I was wondering when you would show up." Kaleshi smirks.

"Ara, did you miss these that much?" Nyx asks, attempting to reveal her cleavage before realizing her armor doesn't allow... Wait, apparently it does.

"I am going to kill... So much shit... And I'm going to love it!" Lilith exclaims, blazing with crazy warp energy from her miniature armor.

"Well she certainly seems excited..."

"All the Slaanesh forces are fired up for some reason, even the big... it, itself seems to be ready."


"Rea~~lllyyy..." Slaanesh says as it runs its hands down your pauldrons from behind, before leaning forward to whisper in your ear.

"What you did last night... That was art, pure art."

"Err... Thanks?"

"Should I be concerned at all, in the slightest?"

"Depends, do you like tentacles?" Lilith asks.


"Well then maybe." Nyx grins.

"I am so lost."

"Well you had better find yourself and quick, because its time for SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!!!!" Kaleshi raises her axe, revving it hard. The whole of the Chaos forces roars at her gesture, from the largest of daemon prince to the smallest of chaos spawn.

"Quite an impressive force we have here." You muse.

"Fuck yeah it is, we run this shit." Kaleshi grins, putting on a pair of sunglasses before slipping a pair onto you.

Nyx gently places a fat stogie in your mouth, which Lilith lights with a bit of daemonic fire.

"Swag." You grin from your position atop the twin linked chaos landraider limousine.

"Pure swag."

With the armored fist of Chaos, your chosen army leads the assault. Ahead of you, far off in the distance, the forces of Malal wait. Even from here you can see the smog rising above their army.

"Punk ass doesn't stand a chance." You grin.

"Gentleman, its time." You tell the Noisemarines occupying the top of the vehicle as an honor guard.

"By your command."


The Noisemarines raise their weapons, and play the song of battle.

"...What is that, what are you playing?!"

"The song you told us to play."

"That sounds like a mariachi band."

"Si senior."


Your massive landraider eats up the terrain until it stops with a gasping hiss.

Before you, sprawling as far as the eye can see, the forces of Malal.

The warped, skeletal bodies of marines, long since dead, standing in their ragged armor. Unspeakable beasts ten men high with gnashing bleached bone skulls and black soulless eyes.

"So, Commissar, at long last it comes to this!" Abbadon shouts at you, slipping off of his own landraider.

You match him, and both of you approach to within a foot of the other.

"You remember the rules?" He asks, gesturing at his second man, a chaos sorcerer.

"I did not." You nod.

"YOU READY TO GET THIS ON, SHITBAG?" Doomrider asks, spinning his axe around in his hand easily.

"Good thing I didn't have to."

"Well then, its time." Abbadon sneers, drawing his terror sword from its sheath.

"Oh yeah, motherfucker, its go time."

Abbadon gets the first swing in, his sword missing your face by a mere millimeter. His fist, however, collides with your skull.

This forces you to jump back to avoid another slash, and to juke again to dodge the incoming fist combo.

"Man you really are a cunt, you know that?" You ask, wiping the blood from your mouth.

"And soon you shall be dead and all will be well!" Abbadon shouts, striking again, this time his sword nicking your left pauldron as you roll to avoid it.

You notice Doomrider easily dispatched of the Chaos sorcerer, against the rules or not as both you and Abbadon still stand.

Abbadon seems to have seen that as well, and in his moment of hesitation you strike. Your axe lodges itself in his terminator armor, sinking into his pauldron where it gets stuck.

"Guh!" You leap backwards to avoid another attack, and draw your last remaining melee weapon. The sword of Nurgle.

"Time to die, human!" Abbadon yells with a massive downswing. You raise your own blade, which meets his. Sparks of chaos energies ignite along the edges of the swords, and you struggle against his size and strength.

You do the only thing you can think of at that moment, and extend your finger.

The las blast catches Abbadon right where he would least expect it.

"Ow you fuck! That was my knee!!!"

Abbadon breaks the weapon lock to fall back, giving his knee a look. Sure enough, there is a nasty fresh hole through it.

"Serves you right, bitch." You raise your sword yet again, giving him no quarter.

"So, one shall live and the other shall fall. Today, you die!" He screams, collapsing to the ground.

"Malal, I implore thee! I choose now to ascend!"

Before your very eyes, Abbadon starts to change...

You rush up to him and kick him square in the balls, but the foot, it does nothing!

"HAHAHAHA! Now, Commissar, witness the doom of mortals!" Abbadon roars, rising to his full height, easily four times your own.

"Man, that is some cheating bullshit right there." You groan, noting now how outclassed you might be.

"Well, seems a good a time as any!" Kaleshi yells, leaping onto Abbadon from behind and burrowing her chainaxe into his neck.

The Daemon prince that was Abbadon swats at her, but she is too fast to be struck.

"My, it looks like I'll have to get dirty after all. Pity, blood all over my clean armor." Nyx says, tight lipped and for the first time that you've ever seen... Angry?

"Witness the power of decay!" She cries, raising her arms. All at once, the ground erupts into hives of swarming black insects. The bugs bombard Abbadon, and though he swings at them, his attacks do nothing to stop their assault.

Lilith stomps once, and tentacles shoot from the mouths of the hives, lashing themselves around Abbadon's limbs.

"Now, Max! Hit him now!"

With everything you've got, sword raised above your head, battlecry echoing across the field, you jump.

Sailing with all the fury of the Emperor, the chaos gods, the Angry marines... Channeling the rage of Fucklaw himself, you fly.

Abbadon swings out at you in one last attempt, his sword drawing nearer and nearer...

A crack, and his hand explodes in a torrent of black ooze.

"You're all clear kid, now lets blow this thing so we can go home!" Eight yells through the vox.

"There can be...!" You land on Abbadon's chest, sword raised.

"ONLY ONEEEE!!!!!" With that last shout, you swing with every ounce of might you can muster.

The plaguesword buries itself into the pale white flesh, black blood spraying forth as it digs deeper and deeper. Abbadon screams, you scream, everyone screams for ice cream.

Until, with a jerk of freedom, the blade exits the other side. The wave of black blood washes over you, and you raise your sword, basking in it.

Malal's chaos forces appear quite flustered, hanging back.

"Good show, for a human. Pity it matters little." Horus says, knocking aside several chaos marines as he steps forward.

You ride Abbadon's corpse to the ground, watching with satisfaction as he head bounces once and rolls to a stop at your feet. You place one foot on it, and pose dramatically, the daemon girls at your side.

"Leave my son to me."

You turn, and notice the Emperor land effortlessly slightly behind you. His generally warm face and twinkling eyes are now solemn and dark.

"I knew it would come to this again, Horus."

"And again, you shall die."

With a resounding boom that nearly knocks you off of your feet, the blades of Horus and the Emperor meet yet again.

"I never wanted it to end this way!" The Emperor shouts over the din.

"You were always a pitiful fool!" Horus cries back.

Two daemons of Malal, jerking, skeletal things, leap from the ground. Their claws rake out at the Emperor, startling him and forcing him to dodge.

"MAX!" Doomrider shouts.

"Got it!"

The two of you each pick a daemon and engage. The beast snorts and wheezes at you as it strikes, the claws scraping into your armor. A wince of pain and you realize they drew a bit of blood.

"LOOK OUT!" Doomrider tries to warn you, but too late. A dozen Chaos marines bearing the black and white of Malice are behind you, chainswords raised...

Until a rhythmic thumping starts to clear them out. Whipping your head around, you see Eight charging through the fury of the full on battle, a heavy bolter somehow in his grasp as he fires into the group ambushing you.

Freed up, you strike down the daemon at last, which gives the Emperor all the room he needs.

With one furious thrust, he sends his sword right through Horus's own, skewering the primarch through his chest.

"DO IT!"

"Za warudo!" The Emperor shouts, and time freezes. In the span of a millisecond, he throws a hundred tiny knives into Horus.

Leaping ontop of a stompa with a drum roller on it, you kick the control lever and run the dying Horus over with the massive roller.

You, the Emperor, and Doomrider all punch the stompa until it explodes.

"WRRRRYYYYYYYYY!!!!!" You, and no less than a hundred Eversors, all yell.

That piercing scream seems to break the last of the will of Malal's forces. Leaderless now, it seems, they still try to fight on for a few moments.

Until Eldar psychers pour on the heat, Tau let loose with some truly nasty weaponry, Mika and her Admech open up with the fury of the machine spirit.

Dark Eldar, too fast for the lumbering Chaos marines, rip Malal's forces to bits with fast strikes. The Ork line shows no sign of breaking, protecting the Necrons behind them and allowing their devastating fire to continue unrelenting.

Now if only there was one thing to win this all over...

Thirty Titans and at least a hundred baneblades all rise out of the ground, and start firing.

"I am the plan!" Creed cups his hands and shouts out over the battlefield.

That seems to be the last straw for the forces of Malice, who start to break and route. Stupid, as that just makes them easier to chew up.

There is no quarter, even as they run. Not a single soldier of Malal lives to see another day.

"I can't believe we finally did it." You say, as the battlefield begins to quiet down.

...Until you hear a faint song, almost a whisper on the wind...


"Oh no, oh fuck no..." Creed glares so hard it breaks the control console in front of him, and he snips the cigar in two with his teeth.

"...Don’t hate us like we’re famous..."

"No no no NO NO NO NO!!!!" He jumps down, grabs a tarantula turret, raises it to the sky with strength of fury, and forces it to fire with pure hatred.

"HATERS GOONA HATE!!!" The drop pods all chime as they slam into the ground all at once.

"FUCK. EVERYTHING!!!!" Creed pitches the turret aside in disgust.

"Ah, a glorious day for the universe indeed. Good thing the Partridges were here, or this would have ended in disaster!" Harry chimes as he strolls out from his drop pod in a burst of doves.

"Oh, well if it isn't my good friend Logan." He pauses, taking a sip of his Space Wolves mug as he smiles back at the glowering Wolf lord of Wolfish Wolving Wolves.

The Egomancers already seem to be taking effect, as you hear cries of jubilation from the lesser forces of each race. Though those with strong enough mind can resist their powers.

Not that this seems to matter, as guardsmen are already helping the Partridges to erect massive banners, alluding to their glorious battle here.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me..." You groan, feeling quite helpless.

"Badger shit cunts."

"Badger shit cunts indee... Wait, Fucklaw?!"

The old Commissar gives you a quick once-over, before nodding curtly.

"What are you doing here?"

"A simple errand, really. But I feel like..."


You realize, all too late, your fatal error. Fucklaw's eyes twitch, and his hand raises the pistol. You can tell he doesn't want to shoot you, but it might not even be up to him. --- Fucklaw is a man of few things, but there is one thing he has to stick to.

His principles.

  • BLAM!*

The shot pierces Max's head, and the body of the faux-commissar falls to the ground with a thud.

"Heresy, its all heresy!" Fucklaw shouts, before destroying this thread. ---

"No Fucklaw no! The enemy is out there man! OUT THERE!!"

You narrowly avoid the shot from his pistol, than another, and another.

"Are you fucking INSANE!?!?! YOU INTERRUPTED FUCKLAW YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT ASSFUCKING YOKEL!" An angry marine shouts as he pulls you out of the way.

"Hey, thanks for the save!"

"I SHOULD PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK! I DIDN'T GET TO KILL ANYONE YOU CUNTLICKER!" As though to demonstrate his point, the angry marine boots a corpse, sending it flying.

Fucklaw approaches again, his gun holstered.

"Excuse my outburst, you knuckle dragging cocksucker, but you should know to never interrupt me."

"Yeah, got it. Now, about these Partridges..."

"Creed... Hey, Creed..." You whisper.

"What is it, kid? I'm not really in the mood?"

"Got any spray paint? I've got... A plan!"

Creed raises his head off of his double face palm, looking you right in your crazy eyes.

"You? A plan??"

"Oh yes, a plan."

"Brother, why did you erect these new banners? They don't conform to the codex Partridge."

"What banners? Hey, what are these...?"

The Blood Ravens all perch at the outside of the battle.

"Gifts?" One of them chimes quietly.

"Gifts!?!?" Another joins in.

"GIFTS! GIFTS! GIFTS! GIFTS! GIFTS! GIFTS! GIFTS! GIFTS! GIFTS! GIFTS! GIFTS! GIFTS! GIFTS! GIFTS! GIFTS! GIFTS! GIFTS! GIFTS!....." Is all you can hear now coming from the approaching wave of red tide.

"Emprah preserve us all..." Harry says, dropping his mug as the Blood Ravens begin...

To gift...



"FLEE, YOU FOOLS!!!" You shout to your forces, who look at you bizarrely.

"I said run! Don't you see?! Run unless you want to be gifted to the Blood Ravens!!!!"

"By the dark gods, no!" The Marines shout, quickly piling back into their metal bawkses.

"GO GO GO GOOOOO!!!" You hound your own driver even as you help the three daemonettes up onto the landraider limo. Doomrider and Emps jump up to meet you.

"Hold onto your butts, I've got this!" The Emperor shouts, before giving the landraider a single tap.

It immediately turns golden, with radical rock music blaring out of its speaker guns, its treads now replaced with surf boards.

"What are we going to do?!" Lilith cries, panicked, at the red wave approaching.

"What I do best," The Emperor states, standing once more, "We're going to surf our way out of this."

And surf you do.

The torrent of rushing Bloody Magpies serves as a wave, a wave the Emperor plans to surf brilliantly.

Below, you can see the Ravens quite clearly. In their hands they clutch various things. Partridge bolters, purity seals, a space wolves mug, whole Partridge marines themselves...

"Wow, I didn't think it would work this well..." You comment, quite impressed at your deed.

"Never underestimate the Blood Raven's penchant for gifting, man." The Emperor nods, chuckling at the sight.

Things seem to be going great, you are surfing along with Kaleshi and Emps, the battle is won...

Oh fuck.

You slip on the shiny surface of the metal bawks, and before you can stop yourself...

"Gift?" A Blood Raven asks, stopping to look at you.

"Gift!" Another chimes in.

"Oh no..." You groan.

And all at once, they start to gift you.

They gift you real hard.

"Gotcha!" Kaleshi shouts as she grabs your wrist, and with a heave, pulls you back onto the landraider.

You are covered in Blood Ravens purity seals, emblems, and a hasty red paint job.

"I... I've been... Gifted...." You gasp, hugging the tank as it continues to surf the wave of marines below it.

"Oh, that's a good look.... BWAHAHAHAHAAA!!!" Lilith finally just cracks up, pointing at you.

"Ara ara, poor Max. Don't worry, we can get that all off."

"This... This is what relics must feel like..." You shudder in your armor.

Even the Emperor doesn't appear immune, his legs covered in purity seals and Blood Ravens markings where the waves of Ravens crashed over the front of the tank.

"Get us out of here!" You yell to him.

"I'm trying dude, but man this swell is gnarly!"

"Just do something!!!"

"The Angry Marines, head toward their titan!!!" You point the Emperor toward your one and only possible salvation from the gifting that lurks below.


"You heard 'em, ramp this damn thing!"

So the Emperor does the one thing that can save you now, he ramps off of the foot of the titan.

The momentum of the wave carries you into the sky, where you leave the last of the Blood Ravens behind. Your landraider soars effortlessly for several moments, before descending to a radical landing inside of the Angry Marines line.

"WELL PISS IN MY FUCKING CEREAL, IF IT ISN'T THE SHITEATING COMMISSAR AND THE HOLY EMPEROR OF FUCKING TERRA HIMSELF!" Temperus Maximus yells, so angry he snaps a rhino in half with his fury.

"Thanks for the assist." You tell him.


"Hey, Temperus, cool it dude..." The Emperor raises his hands to try to placate the chapter master.


Angry marines.


And then we run.

"Hold the fuck up..." Temperus says in a very uncharacteristic booming voice, a whisper to him.

"Did those fucking cuntrags try to gift you, Emperor?"

"Well I mean..."

"GET THE FUCKING POWERBATS, THE POWER FUCKS, GET FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT CAN FUCK SOMEONE UP WITH POWER! TODAY WE ARE GOING TO DICKSLAP SOME BITCHTOED BIRD MARINE FAGGOTS!" Temperus screams, grabbing at a pile of power weaponry and carrying most of it with him as he breaks into a furious charge toward the wave of Blood Ravens with a final "FUCK!!"

In a torrent of curses, so loud you have to clamp your hands over your ears, the Angry Marines charge after their chapter master.

"Bad day to be a Partridge or a Blood Raven, I doubt the Angry Marines can tell the difference, or even care!" Kaleshi yells as you all run from the ensuing fray.

"I'm just glad I'm not one of them!" You yell back.

You notice a mushroom cloud made of Blood Raven and Galactic Partridge body parts behind you. Once in the air, they gather up to form the word "SHITFUCKINGCUNTS!" in the sky.

"Yeah, real bad day to be one of them." Lilith agrees.

At long last, you are finally out of the action. The battle still wages between Angry Marines and anyone unfortunate enough to be left behind, but you are just thankful that doesn't include you.

After checking in, you affirm none of your friends got caught up in that shitstorm either.

Your group slows up to a stop, all of you breathing hard.

"Well, dude, I need to go find my bird girl and make sure she's alright." The Emperor says, before vanishing.

"I'M OUT OF COCAINE!" Doomrider pipes up in a panicked voice, shuffling through his bags to affirm that he is, indeed, completely powder free.


"Cool, so we get to...Mmmmph!?" Lilith glares at Nyx, who placed a hand over her mouth to cut her off.

"We have things to do as well, you two have fun now..."

Even they disappear.

Leaving you with...

"Been a while since we were alone, hasn't it..." Kaleshi says, standing beside you as you both watch the clash from a far distance.

"Yeah, it has been."

"So... What now?" She asks you.

"Now? I never think that far ahead."

Kaleshi giggles, before leaning her head against your shoulder. To tell the truth, you really hadn't thought this far ahead.

"Well, whatever it is, I want to be there."

"I want you to be there, with me." You tell her, looking down at your loving khornette.

"Getting soft on me?"

"Pah, as if. I'm just one smooth operator."

"So you are." Kaleshi laughs.

You both watch the carnage for several minutes of silence. The Angry Marines don't appear to be having too much trouble tearing everything to pieces.

"I'm sure there is going to be a lot of shit left to do after this last thing dies down, so can I count on your help?"

"Max, of coarse you can count on my help, we're all..."

Your thumb on her chin stops her short, and you raise her eyes to meet her own.

"I'm not asking if you're going to be my ally, I'm asking if you're going to be my girlfriend."

Kaleshi blushes, quite the contrast to her brazen facade, but lurking down in there you know there is the little girl who always wanted to wind up with the prince.

"I didn't think you were... Uh... The girlfriend type of guy..."

"Well when you face down as much death and shit as I have, a guy starts to realize that there is more to this life than mindless heretical sex."

"Well I mean... If its what you want..." Kaleshi isn't looking you in the eyes, in fact she appears to be avoiding doing exactly that.

So you kiss her.

You feel her arms slip around your waist as she leans into it, and you can tell its her way of saying yes.

"Not going to be an easy road, I don't think, hope your ready for it."

"Hah, I'm the daughter of a god, I'm ready for anything."

You give her hand a squeeze as you both stare back out over the battlefield.

Years later, happily married, you look back on that short event in your life, the event that changed everything.

"Tell us again dad!" Your three children all cry, and you hold out a hand to placate them.

"I'll tell it again tomorrow night, now its bedtime for the three of you."

"Aww!! But Daaaadddd!!"

"You heard your father, now go to sleep!" Kaleshi, Nyx, and Lilith all tell the kids.

"Little rascals..." You smirk, heading off to your own bed with your three gorgeous daemonettes in tow.

"Where do you think they get it from?"

"I blame you three."

"HAH! As if."

>harem end time

The "Battle of SKULLFUCKED BIRDS" as the scholars will one day call it, draws to an end.

Thankfully, none of your friends did.

"I'm so glad you all made it..." You look over the girls standing in front of you, truly thankful.

"Well yeah, its not like I was going to die before doing THIS!" Esh reaches out and tries to give your backside a smack, but you are too fast.

"No wait Max, what are you... AHHH?!?!?" Esh yells as you give her thick rump a resounding SMACK before spinning her around and setting her back down.

"You know this is far from over, though, don't you?" Ailia asks with a smile.

"Yeah, I know, still a lot of work to do."

Its true. Though you may have won here today, the universe is far from a peaceful place.

"We'll need to stick together if we have any chance at uniting everyone for good..." You ponder.

"..." Comes the wall of silence from the girls.

"So, you're saying..."

"Yep! We're all going to pile onto a ship and sail about the stars bringing peace and prosperity in our wake!"


"And maybe make some... Heretical lovin?"


"Inquisitors on deck, alien sex!"

A year later, and you cruise about the universe on the massive ancient battleship. Its quite a peaceful life, really, aside from the occasional unification mission...

Hah, as if.

You're a man stuck with a horde of women who only want one thing most space flights, as most are incredibly boring.

"Inquisitor?" One of your Marines asks as he notices you hiding underneath a pipe.

"SHHH!! They'll hear you!"

"Too late!" You hear Lycheria shout.

"Get him!" Senna and Senda cry in unison.

"Marines, stand against this foe!" You tell your troops, who look to you, then back to your harem.

"Apologies sir, but you are on your own here."


The girls all start dragging you, you know exactly where they want to take you.

"Sheesh, why are you playing hard to get?"

"Because we just did it an hour ago! And two hours before that!!! I'm dry, I'm exhausted, I have paperwork to do!!!"

"Tough shit, I only came twice." Kaleshi frowns.

"...So if I get you all off again, you'll let me actually do some, you know, WORK?!"

The girls all look between each other. The Daemonettes taught them how to talk without speaking, and you don't like that. Not one ducking bit.


"Than bring on the tentacles..."

You summon your inner Slaaneshi prince and tentacles spring forth from your body.

Kaleshi and her sisters, Karen, Lycheria, and the Twins all lick their lips excitedly.

Esh and Mika look a bit panicked, they always do when you spring these things up, though.

Tonya is already masturbating furiously in full BDSM gear.

You sigh as you shove wriggling tentacles into every available orifice.

"H-hey! Not my... Ah, my bbbbutt?!" Esh howls, muffled against the tentacle in her mouth.


Turning toward your seawaifu, you plead for some assistance. She rolls her eyes.

"Ugh, fine!"

With that, she turns into her massive self and swallows you all whole.

Her tentacles add to your own, and pretty soon the insides of her nether place is full of climaxing women and copious amounts of semen.

And such is life for you, not that you mind. You still manage to get work done, and the universe is a more peaceful place than ever.

Ah shit, you almost forgot, Eight starts at the Academy tomorrow. You had better get this ship headed in the right direction.

You look down at the collapsed bodies of your harem, each of them exhausted. Your tentacles are still moving on their own.

"Wait... Max, no!!!!" They all cry.

...You'll get some work done later, tonight, you have no brakes.

"So... That was quite the fight..." Frederick sighs, taking a seat next to Helena on her tank.

She graciously accepts the bottle of juice from him, before leaning her whole, tired body onto his.

"So what do you think happens now?" He asks, gently putting his arm around her.

"With my idiot brother in charge? I fear for the Imperium of man."

They both chuckle.



Their lips meet, and Helena pulls the techpriest down with her onto the top of the tank.

"Hey uh, don't take this the wrong way, but... I love you." He tells her, eyes locked in her own.

Helena smirks, kisses him again, and they tumble down the open hatch and into the tank.

A year and a half later, you attend their wedding. A smaller affair, with the Emperor himself leading the ceremony.

"You ready?" You ask your sister, who despite looking scared, nods.

At the end of the long aisle, you hand her to Frederick.

"Take good care of her, she's your problem now."

"I will, forever." He nods, oblivious to your joke.

The Blood Ravens stare out over the vast expanse of the field.

"Brothers, this is the day we have long waited for." Gabriel Angelos looks proudly across his Marines.

They have done it, at long last.

They have gifted everything.

"I'm not really digging this paint job, dudes." The Emperor pipes up, looking distressed at the red coat on his golden armor.

"Ah yes, today the Blood Ravens stand victorious." Gabriel takes a sip out of his new mug, which has the symbol of the Galactic Partridges upon it.

Soon, the symbol of the Blood Ravens is on everything and anything. Titans, Terra, Orks, toilet paper.

Everything is a gift of the Ravens.

The Imperium of the Blood Ravens looks well, going on into the future. They manage to hold everything together by simply gifting themselves anything that appears out of place.

Thus, the event of "The Gifting" ushers in an era of peace of length the universe has never seen the likes of.

About to go to bed, you grimace when you feel something scaly wrap around your leg.

"Hora hora? I didn't get mine yet, Max."

You sigh as you turn back to Ra'alman, who smirks as her tail continues to wrap you up.

"Can we do it without eating me, just for tonight maybe?"

"Hmm? What fun is that? But... I suppose, just for tonight."

With a powerful rip, she tears your pajamas off with one go. Her snakelike tongue flickers across her lips.

Without warning, she suddenly thrusts you into her, causing you to jump in surprise.

"Hmm? Was it good? I got it wet just for you~" She whispers as she nibbles your ear.

Good? Oh, most certainly yes. Completely different than the other girls, with small tentacles that toy with you once inside.

"Oh, what was that just now? Did you cum already? Well, one down and ninety nine to go I suppose."

"Ninety... Nine?!" You gasp.

Ra'alman's smile grows further.

"I'm adding two more times for every time you complain..."

I take a seat, watching the flames and the dust of the dead battle rising around me.

A sight all too familiar.

Max was snatched up somewhere, so I guess I don't have to worry too much about him.

Just as I flick my lighter, I hear something. With a pause, I wait, but don't hear the sound again. Another flick and I draw in my welcome reprieve.

I hear it again, a cough.

With a frown, I stand up from my seat atop a dead Chaos Marine and peer around. Another cough, but from where?

As I hear it again, I finally figure it out. With my foot, I shove a dead cultist off of something.

Or rather, someone.

A Krieger lays there, clutching his head. I notice a hole in the helmet and pull it off. I can see a nasty bump, but nothing fatal.

"Here, let me get you drink." I tell the guardsman, and reach out to take off his mask.

A hand stops me, which I gently brush aside.

"Relax, the air is safe here."

Despite his protests, I remove the mask.

Or rather, HER protests.

The girl lays there, her head in my hand, as I pause for a moment.

Her face is dirty and tired, but rather pretty. She isn't looking me in the eyes, and her face is red.

I reach out and place the water bottle against her soft pink lips, and watch a trickle of water run off of them before she accepts it and starts to drink.

Neither of us talk as I help her to her feet, and it appears one of her ankles is sprained as she can't walk on it.

Not knowing what else to do, I bend down and carefully pick her up. This causes her to blush even more furiously.

Even as I gently place her on a cot with the Krieger medics coming to take care of her, I can't help but have the feeling that we will meet again perhaps, someday.

As I turn to go, I feel a small tug on the back of my belt.

Turning around, I see the kriger girl sitting up slightly on the cot, her hand on my belt, her eyes averted and her face red.

Her other hand is extended out, and clutched in her fingers is a small yellow flower.

With a smile, I reach out and accept it. The girl looks back at me, and for a moment I think I see a faint smile grace her shy features before she turns over and the medics cart her away.

Leaving me standing, in the battlefield once again, clutching the small flower.

I give it a small sniff.


I shirked out of the awards ceremony that the Imperium had insisted on having. I don't really care for stuff like that.

Instead, I look down at the flower I'd preserved by pressing it, which I carry with me now.

The ship I'd... Borrowed... Lands gently on Catachan. Though its been a long time, far too long, since I've been here... Somehow, I know exactly where to go.

The settlement of my youth, long blown out and overrun by the surrounding jungle. Only the inner field provided enough room to land.

None of that bothers me, so long as I find what I'm looking for.

My boots crunch over the dried leaves, and I sling the Exitus rifle up a bit. I still remember enough to know trouble could lurk around every trunk.

But I find what I'm looking for, rather than a fight.

A small plot, with two modest bricks atop the soil. Though cracked and weathered beyond recognition, I know to whom they belong, though not their names.

Setting down a small envelope, its corners bent, I stand back up and give the graves a slow salute.


Its raining...

Or... Perhaps it isn't?

I raise a hand to my eyes, and when I pull my fingers away I notice they are slick and wet.

Maybe I'd forgotten how to cry, maybe the Ordo had made me forget. Either way, I don't stop the tears now. I stand there, for a long while, until they slow to a stop.

Shit, I had better be getting back before someone realizes I was gone.

I wasn't looking forward to this "Academy" Max was talking about, but Esh and Mika were both teaching me things now to try to get me ready.

"I think... I found a new home." I tell them, and as I turn away from the graves, somehow, I know they would be happy for me.

The Emperor laughs as he bounces his son on his knee. The baby, now two, giggles and smiles.

Tzeentch is sleeping gently against his arm, and he adjusts her so he can pull her into an embrace.

The baby suddenly stops giggling, frowns, and belches.

All of the lights in the room explode in a shower of sparks and glass.

"We really need to figure out a way to get him to stop doing that..." Tzeentch mumbles.

The Emperor laughs, which makes his son laugh along. Both he and Tzeentch know that years from now he will be a beacon of hope and unity for the galaxy.

But for now, he's a joyful bouncing two year old with a fascination for keys, which drives the Admech batshit.

"You going my way, tech-priestess?"

"Wha!?" Mika shouts with a start, before whirling around to face you. You can't help but grin at her reaction.

"Ah, y-you startled me..." Mika says quietly.

The battle is long since over, and night is nearly upon you yet again. Most races have broken camp and are seated around fires or screens, talking and eating joyfully.

With one stark difference, not a one is shooting at the others.

"S-so, d-do you want to get some food... Or the Emperor probably wants to s-see you maybe..."

"That isn't why I came to find you." You say quietly, taking her hand and bringing her around until she's in front of you.

"W-well we can go grab some food may..."

You kiss her before she can finish, and spin her around until you are pressing her against the tank.

"Ah... M-Max what are you...!?"

You pull away again, a thin strand of saliva connecting your tongues.

"I came to ask you something."

"A-ask away?" Mika stutters, her face entirely red.

"Be mine, I can't keep doing this without you, I realized that. So I want you to follow me to wherever this crazy journey finally ends."

Mika pauses, shuffling her feet nervously.

"C-close your eyes..." She stutters.

You do, and feel her lips meet your own yet again.

"Th-That's my answer..." She smiles, and you smile back, before pulling her into a tight hug.

Four years later, you and Mika are both awakened by your son fussing from his crib.

"Your turn..." She mumbles in her sleep.

With a groan, you pull yourself out of bed and head over to the crib in the other room.

"C'mon Tanner, what's wrong?" You pick the infant up, and look down into his crib.

Oh, his Admech mobiles is out. You fix it with one of your mechanical arms while bouncing your son to keep him occupied.

"Oh, is that why he's crying?" Mika asks, rubbing at her eyes.

"Yeah, probably blew a fuse."

Mika fixes it in under a minute, and you set your son back down under it, where he quietly watches it spin.

"Now, back to bed. I've got a long day tomorrow."

"Hey hun?"


"D-do you... Maybe... W-want to make another one?"

You barge in, rather unceremoniously, into the room where all the Eldar have come to meet to discuss the after-battle whatnot's, you stopped paying attention about the time you just kicked in the door.

"Hey, I'mma let you finish your space Elf meeting, but first I need to find Eshwe and get my swag on."

Out of the corner of your eye, you see a red-faced Eldar clutching a spear.

"Max... You....."

"You mad?"

The energy blast knocks you out of the building, and you can't help but laugh as you tumble end over end through the grass.

"Damn right I'm mad!" Esh glares, standing over you.

"Perfect angle, thanks!"

With a "yoink!" You slip her panties right down and off.

"H-hey! Whats the big deal?!"

"Shush up, I need these!" You force them off of her, despite her struggling, and pocket them to give to Slaanesh later. You decide it would be better to not let her know the reasoning...

"Wow, you just wax it today?"

"Ugh." She steps on your face.

"Hey, while I'm down here, mind if I ask you something?"

"What is it, stupid idiot dolt of a mon-keigh?!"

"Will you be my girlfriend?"


"So... Yes?"

"Ugh, fine! I guess! Gods know I can't trust you to watch out for yourself! Its not like I wanted this, or anything." She glares, looking away, but helps you to your feet.

Before she can react further, you grab her and force a kiss. She struggles, only for a moment, before grabbing you roughly and pulling you tighter to herself.

"Idiot." She mumbles.

"I don't know how I fell for an idiot like you..."

"My charming good looks and swashbuckling charisma." You grin.

Two years later, you are neck deep in Administratum paperwork, rushing to get it all completed. Your dinner, left for you, sits cold and untouched.

"Max!" Esh barges into the room, looking quite ruffled.


"I'm pregnant!" She bursts in a panic.

"Hoo-kay, well that was certainly..."

"Get it out, now!" She points down to your crotch.

"Hey now, I mean, its great news and I'm happy and all but..."

"Shut your face, we need to keep doing it to complete the baby."

Oh now this is just too golden an opportunity to pass up.

"Fine but first you have to say something."


"Not quite. Look me in the eyes, flash me some clevage, and tell me to get over there and fuck you."

"W-what?! I'm not doing that you fiend!"

"Well, guess I'll just get back to doing this paperwork..." You make a show of picking up the pen and shuffling a few papers around.

"UGH! FINE!" Esh wings the pillow she was clutching at your head.

"G-get over here..."

She blushes as she notices your grin, and you give her the eye that tells her she isn't out of this yet.

"Oooo....! Get over here and f-fuck me!" She shouts, stomping her foot.

I bristle against the cool of the command bridge of the ship, high upon the perch of Max's head.

Neither he nor I know what our future holds, where we will go, what there remains to be done.

Despite the uncertainty, I feel content.

No matter where I end up, Max will be there, and that is enough.

I feel him tighten me down on his head.

"Gentlemen, to the future." He grins, before the ship enters the warp.



- Papa-N, on Anon thinking the rape train has brakes


"We purge with righteous zeal!" Her flamer crackles to life, and you have not time to dodge, or do anything really, before the barrel is staring you in the face. You never thought you would go out like this, a choppa to the face maybe, but not a Sororita making guardsman toast. The jet of fire engulfs you, the white hot heat searing away your flesh from bone. The pain is excruciating as you are roasted alive. You try to scream, but nothing emerges as liquid flame pours into your lungs. Your body falls to the ground, charred and broken. Your last thoughts are of home…

"Give me that spear, xeno wench!" You roar furiously, snatching it out of her hand. "It's on like orky-kong you over sized worm!" You run full tilt toward Ra'alman, who again opens its mouth. You are mere feet away when the beast lurches forward unexpectedly, closing its gigantic maw down on you.

The teeth shred you to ribbons instantly.

"I... I'm shrinking?!" You stutter as your body slowly loses mass. And even more terrifying, your "heavy bolter" starts to shrink as well. "What the fuck is going on?!" You shout, but your voice has grown meek, quieter... ...Girlish...

Your world goes dark for a moment, but then recovers. Only you're not on a beach anymore. You are bent over, chained across a bed.

Your new vagina completely exposed...

"HUEHUEHUEHUEHEUEHEHEHEHEHEUHEUHEHEUHE BR BR BR BR BR BR!!!!!" Oh god, that is worse than a thousand of Ra'alman's screams.

The noise marine walks up to your face... ...and flops out his gnarled, purple, studded manhood...

"BRBRBRBRBRBRBR!!!!!!!" The noise marine's insane ramblings grow ever faster and louder as he presses the tip of his daemon to your virgin lips. Another chaos marine, this one sprouting with wriggling green tentacles, moves behind you, ready to taint your purity seal...

"Oh thank the Empruh, help me Lycheria!" Seeing her raises your hopes, she can surely get you out of here. All hopes are dashed as she unzips her corset...

...And a massive emperor's champion falls out, dangling inches from your ass...

"Noo, you can't put it in there, that spot is EXTRA HERESY!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Will Maxima be brutally anal raped by a futa sister of battle and her brazillian noise marine cronies? FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON DRAGON BALL ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

"You're on your own, skank!" You snatch up your gear and jump to your feet, breaking into a sprint. "Wait, please don't go!" She pleads as the Hive Tyrant rushes in at her. You run as fast as your legs can carry you, looking back over your shoulder. The Hive Tyrant has busied itself introducing her xeno bits to its epic gun wang, while at the same time chewing off her left arm. "Its not your fight Max, its not your fight." You try to reassure yourself as you feel your soul leave you in disgust.

You slow down to catch your breath, the screams of the Tau girl gone now, having grown ever more quiet as the life faded from her. You collapse of exhaustion, tears streaking down your face as you realize what it is you really just did. With a shaking hand you raise your laspistol to your own head. "See you later, space cowboy..."

  • BLAM*

And that's when she stands back up. Revealing h24" twisted xeno plasma cannon. "Hey, that's a pretty cool gun! Mind if I hold it?" "Sure!" She replies happily, flopping it down on your hand. "Whoa, its warm." "Wait! Don't play with it so much or it might go off!!!" You don't hear her as you stroke and fondle the alien cannon. "No! Stop! ...Ah!?" The cannon explodes in your hands, covering you in sticky blue plasma. "Cool. I wonder how it tastes?" You remark as you lick the tip of the barrel. "Oh, this plasma tastes really good!" She's squirming as you continue to fondle the cannon. "W-well if you want some more, reload it." "How do I do that?" You ask with another lick of the barrel. "First you have to cock it." "Later, maybe..." You shrug, setting down the still toasty plasma gun behind you. "For now, let me give you another taste of MY plasma." Ailia opens her mouth, sticking out her tongue. "Guess again, xeno slut." You spin her around, revealing both her heresies to your throbbing power sword. Which one will you purge? "You shall feel the hot wrath of my blade." You lower the titan's cannon toward her eye of terror. "No! That hole isn't for the greater good!" She struggles in vain as your ship steadies itself, preparing to enter the breach of the warp. But before you can press forward into her dark heresy, a baneblade pops up from underneath one of the instrument panels. The barrel turns to you and obliterates the Crisis battle suit from the inside out.



Even TACTICAL GENIUS isn't going to stop you. "I must purge the heretics!" You cry. "No, Max, you are the heretics." And then Max was a chaos primarch.

"For SLAANESH!!!" You howl as you press forward with your seventeen penises. "There is no way those will fit! Stop! NOOOO!" Its too late, you thrust forward and drive them home, feeling the warp overtaking you. Your monster dicks shoot out and invade every greater good this xeno fuck toy has to offer.

You focus the warp and pull Lychria and Esh to you through it. "By the Emperor, what heresy is this!" "Oi! Mon-keigh, whats the big... By Uthwe NO!" You remove enough of your squirming daemon princes to be able to violate both of them. "So many holes, I WANT THEM ALL!"

You fill every available hole in your prayer of obscene pleasure to your new god. The four girls struggle, but there is no escape. And there are no brakes on the rape train. Your purple, bumpy, throbbing dicks violate them in their tight pink purity seals, their wet pleasure caves, and their protesting mouths. You start to climax. Unfortunately for them, when a Slaanesh daemon of your magnitude cums, they can keep it up for several decades if they so desire. Purple daemon-batter floods out of every hole and the four struggling girls suddenly go slack against their penis-bonds, unable to escape.

"And so that's why, idiot mon-keigh, nothing will ever happen between us!" Esh yells before hanging up.

What in the actual fuck did you just hear that tsunseer describe?

...As your ship exits the field you fire up your comunicatus devices.

"Tzeentch, heed my call." For a moment, silence. But then...

"I'm busy right now, GO AWAY!" You notice, just before the feed cuts out, that she is busily fingerbanging herself... ...To a picture of none other than the Emprah himself.

It's single rape time.

You realize you are covered in some kind of thick liquid that seems to be dripping out of your every.... DEAR EMPRAH NO! Your eyes fly open entirely, as you realize exactly what is happening.

"You can't possibly mean..." The Emperor staggers back. Tzeentch, blushing, nods her head repeatedly. Well this is certainly going to cut into his board time. Still, he's the god Emprah of mankind, he can handle this shit. "FALCON PAWNCH!" His fist creates a cradle made out of pure gold. "What do you want to name him?" Tzeentch asks quietly. "Max." The Emperor responds. "And he shall know no boundary."

"Hey Max." "Yeah Emprah?" "Can you babysit for me tomorrow?" "wat"

“Ha ha.” She beins to laugh slowly, quietly. “Ha ha ha ha…” Raising her spear and pointing it right at your chest. “Listen Esh, I can explain…” You barely manage to leap out of the way as the spear thrusts through the space occupied by your heart barely a second ago. “EXPLAIN!?! YOU CAN… EXPPLLLAAIIINNN?!?!?!” You are ducking, dipping, dodging and ducking to avoid the repeated thrusts, unable to get a word in lest you catch one through the gut. “YOU KNOW DAMN WELL, IDIOT MON-KEIGH, WHAT YOU WERE DOING!” A fateful jap catches you finally, you should have known you weren't agile enough to dodge an Eldar's attacks forever. You groan as Esh slowly works the blade around, grinning at your suffering. "Hope it was worth it." She says, before a nearby Eldar separates your head from your shoulders.

Lycheria laughs as she watches you squirm in your bonds, unable to escape the bed. She's smiling as she rubs her heavy flamer against your rear hatch.

"I thought this thing was over!" You shout.

"Over? Over? No no silly, it's just BEGUN!"

The noise marines press closer now, continuing their tremendous and terrible song.