Konrad von Carstein

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...and that's what you would call a murder machine.

"Death is the solution to all problems. No man - no problem."

– Joseph Stalin

"FUCK LOGIC, I'M A VAMPIRE!"

Once upon a time there was a dude. He wasn't very smart...or rational...or stable (for example he bricked his mother up into a tower to die for the "crime" of "giving birth to him without his consent). One day, Vlad von Carstein and Isabella von Carstein decided that this crazy muthafuckuh deserved to be given ungodly strength and near immortality via vampirism....possibly as a joke. They then doted on him, and stuck him with another adult male named Mannfred in a children's playroom before leaving to conquer the world starting with the Germans. Anyway, thus Konrad von Carstein was born! Having no idea what the fuck magic was, let alone any inkling of its control, Konrad relied heavily on necromancers to control his thousands upon thousands of mindless servants, and everything was great! He got to pillage, and slap children around to his heart's content, get a reputation spread near and far as well as becoming known as the "Red Fury" which he thought was pretty neat, and he was Vlad's right-hand man and scared the FUCK out of the empire, and apparently one time scaled a castle wall by himself, then killed everyone inside and pissed in their skulls during a siege. Then mama and papa vamp were killed by feral rampaging popes when Vlad got robbed of his magical ring of neverdieness / overpowerosity and was impaled on a twig, and a thousand+ way civil war started between all the von Carsteins for who gets to be in charge Vlad's death The chief contenders - his 'brothers' Fritz, Pieter, Mannfred and Hans - all came to unholy ends (with the exception of Mannfred who decided to backpack across Nehekhara (Smart choice really) rather than face Konrad). Fritz was killed while attacking Middenheim. Konrad killed Hans in a duel over who was the toughest then burned his remains. Pieter was slain in his coffin by Helmut van Hal, a descendant of the infamous Necromancer Vanhel. By sheer batshit insanery, Konrad won.

Rulership[edit]

As commanding officer, Konrad was an ASSHOLE. He killed necromancers for making fun of his lack of magical talent (it's like a small dick in the Undead world) and put them on huge fucking spikes Vlad Tepes style. He'd also spend his time having towns destroyed because he didn't like how they smelled or ordering his living troops to use alley cats for crossbow practice (this is canon, by the way). After meeting Walach, the promise of glory and victory in battle made up for Konrad's lack of honor and secured the allegiance of the Blood Knights. Because he had no talent at sorcery, Konrad changed his tack on necromancers and cajoled, bribed and bullied a large number of necromancers into serving him (if they made jokes about him, he probably took it out on enemies in battle and captives). The undead horde they raised was so immense it was able to triumph against any force sent against it, despite Konrad's insanity and his ineptitude as a general. He even attacked the Dwarfs, and when the Dwarf King challenged Konrad, he got Walach Harkon to accept the challenge as his champion, leading to the Dwarf King's death (and creating the second big grudge against vampires since Neferata). After several attempted invasions of The Empire, Konrad's advance was finally halted at the Battle of Four Armies in 2100 IC by a combined force from Altdorf, Talabheim and Marienburg (the battle is remembered mainly for the fates of the Imperial leadership, all of whom were contenders for the Imperial throne: the Count of Altdorf and the Ottilia of Talabheim had each other assassinated during the heat of battle, while Helmut, Count of Marienburg, was slain by Konrad).

However, the undeniable disadvantage of being dead did not stop Helmut contending for the imperial throne and after the battle he journeyed to Altdorf to ascend to the imperial throne. It was only when his extreme lethargy, pallid skin and disgusting odor developed into full decomposition that the people of the Empire figured out he was actually a zombie under the control of Konrad! The necromancers controlling Helmut fled as soon as they were found out. Konrad chucked a massive tantrum when he learned his plan failed, which involved raiding nearby towns. Konrad's ploy to become emperor may have succeeded if the magic binding Helmut to Konrad's will had been more complex and thus able to sustain Helmut's decomposing body better, though the lack of speech and bodily functions would still be a giveaway.

Defeat[edit]

No one liked him very much at all, so one day his necromancers decided to fuck him over! During some big fucking battle that would decide the fate of the world and probably lead it into 10,000 years of darkness or some bullshit, the necromancers just quit fucking playing (Konrad still gave them grief in his bouts of insanity, so they got fed up and left him), leaving Konrad all alone without his hero slots, controlling like 10,000,000,000,000 VP's worth of skeletons. His brains blew up on the inside a little bit from the stress of having to control so many models, and he wandered into a forest going "NahNahNahNahNah," gnashing his teeth, and drooling all over himself. Apparently the army crumbled and the empire was all, "Holy shit! I thought we were doomed, good thing GW won't wipe the main race, let's get back to in-fighting!"

Apparently, some Slayer and the elector count of Ostland (who's dad was apparently butchered like a chump by Konrad) were waiting in said forest just in case a fucking vampire stumbled in while under the effects of some crazy-ass stupor. The dwarf tackled Konrad and held him down (even though he wasn't exactly going to prevent his own death anyway) while Ostland stabbed him repeatedly with a Runefang.

What a chump way to go!

Immediate Aftermath[edit]

After Konrad died, the surviving von Carsteins went to ground. That is until Mannfred came home and started unfucking the von Carstein line by making nice with the necromancers, traveling the world again to assemble a huge force of skeletons BEFORE attacking the Empire and giving them a chance to stop being dicks and unite, bringing the scared vamps who had fled to other bloodlines back with promises of candy and porn, and otherwise being not-Konrad. He still lost too, repeatedly, but he lives to fight another day at least.