Meet the Ulthran
Meet the Ulthran is a story set in the Love Can Bloom universe, where LIIVI meets Taldeer's father Eldrad Ulthran. Eldrad being the dick he is, wants LIIVI to prove to him that he is a big enough dick to stay with Taldeer. So LIIVI tells him of some of his exploits.
LIIVI, Vindicare assassin, veteran of a thousand battles, spearhead of a hundred offensives, hero of a dozen campaigns, had never been more nervous in his life. He had been in an Eldar craftworld once before—only that time, he had penetrated the defenses under cover of a warp storm, worked his way to its heart, and rigged an explosive charge there before stealing away, a miniature sun blossoming behind him as he silently venerated the Emperor. Such days of glory were far from his mind as he waited nervously in the spacious, alien office. Trophies of battles and documents written in unreadable Xenos glyphs towered on the desk—and was that a battered commissar’s hat he saw in the corner? LIIVI started out of his reverie with the sound of the door opening. Smoothly, an infamous enemy of the Imperium stepped into view and took a seat behind his desk. “So,” said Eldrad Ulthwe as he leaned deliberately forward across his desk, tenting his fingers, “What makes you think you’re worthy of my daughter, mon’keigh?”
LIIVI began to speak when the eldar cut him off. Eldrad’s voice was even and cool. “I promised Taldeer that I wouldn’t go poking through your mind for fear of breaking something, so you’ll have to convince me yourself.” He tried to reply, but again Eldrad interrupted. “And don’t worry about any little crimes against my people you’ve surely committed over the course of your career—war’s war, and after all, I’ve probably killed even more of yours.”
There was a long moment of silence while LIIVI waited for Eldrad to speak again. “Well, I—“
“Oh, that reminds me.” That DICK!
“I don’t have to read your mind, I’ve seen that look a hundred thousand times. The slight narrowing of the eyes, the clenching of the teeth…Yes, little mon’keigh, I’m a dick. In fact, I REVEL in being a dick. And so that’s what I want you to do. Tell me the worst things you’ve ever done to anyone. Impress me.”
LIIVI blinked. “Okay…” He racked his brain.
“So during this operation on Agathea, I was ordered to track down and assassinate a man trying to start a cult around a local saint. I found him proselytizing below a two-storey statue of the man.”
“I noticed that it was suspended off the wall by a cable. I shot it out and dropped the statue of his own patron on him. He turned around just in time for its outstretched palm to go through his brain.”
Eldrad rubbed his chin. “Not a bad start. Another.”
“On Monglor, during the Ogryn pacification, I had to make a brief stopover there to assist the Angels of Redemption. An Inquisitor told me they had a countermove planned that was perfect—but only if one force in one position was overwhelmed, allowing the advancing enemies to overextend themselves. So I snuck into that camp and I sabotaged all of their power weapons.”
“So they wouldn’t function?”
“No, so they would explode.”
Eldrad cracked a smirk. LIIVI continued.
“This commissar during the groundside campaign of Logres had some dirt on that same Inquisitor and I was called in as a favor.”
“To assassinate him?”
“Yes, but that Inquisitor was an asshole who had it coming. I worked for him for that campaign. Anyway, that commissar was just as obnoxious. Ordered me around like a conscript waving his bolt pistol like it meant something. No tactical appreciation. ‘Kill this, kill that.’ I used nearly every blessed and purified round I had. It went on like that most of a day.”
“So I realized, for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t alone and ahead of the army doing my job for this commissar. So I held off on a shot for a few seconds.”
“I kept waiting. And waiting. That commissar’s hollering at me to fire. I wait for him to bend in close and yell in my ear, and then I fire my shot and eject the casing. I hear he still has the burn scar on his forehead.”
The Farseer finally laughed.
“I think you’ll like this next one,” said LIIVI with a slight grin when Eldrad caught his breath.
“After I met Taldeer and we went off on our own, another Vindicare was sent to track us down and kill us. I know their tactics, and one day I knew he was close and waiting for an opportunity. So I asked her to stay down and wait for word from me and snuck out on my own. We spent three days trying to maneuver around each other—we both knew every move and countermove, but I had more experience.”
Eldrad, for once, was silent. LIIVI continued.
“Except I doubled back and found his hideout, rather than stay out there on the hunt. Waited for him to return. I was about to put one through his head when I noticed the bottles of urine.”
The eldar giggled in anticipation.
“So just to let him know who was boss I shot the ground beneath it and shot it when it flew over his head. Drenched him.”
Eldrad started laughing again.
“And THEN I shot him in the head.”
Eldrad lost it. Finally after a few minutes as both man and eldar collapsed into hysterics, they slowly caught their breath, gasping. “LIIVI,” said Eldrad, wiping away the tears, “I knew that piss was meant for something special"