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One does not simply walk into Mordor.

One does not simply shit into Mordor.

One does not simply rock into Mordor.

One does not simply spam into Mordor.

Our Founding Bothers[edit]

Back in the day, when the elves woke up next to a river to see a world of beauty and wonder: Melkor, one of the valar, was pissed off how gay it all was. Like the contemporary neckbeard, he surrounded a portion of land on the continent Middle-Earth with tall mountains that prevent most things from entering. He saw the creations of the other valar and thought they looked retarded, so he decided to snatch a few nubile elves and have his way with them; thus creating the orcs. Orcs fucking hated direct sunlight, much like their NEET lord Melkor, so he blasted a volcano in the middle of his land to spew volcanic ash to choke the atmosphere and blot out the sun, forever (until its destruction thanks to two rural yokels and a tweaker) creating a land, where twilight is as bright as it gets. Melkor also thought things like eagles and ents were weak and lame, so he created things like dragons, balrogs, trolls and other delightful creatures to add conflict to the dreadfully stagnant monotony of Arda.

Melkor's shenanigans earned him an ass-whooping of epic proportions from the violent lout Tulkas, and was jailed to stop his scheming bullshit. He was b& to the halls of Mandos, where he feigned reformation and Manwë gave him the benefit of the doubt (moron). Bunch of shit happened that reflect Melkor's destructive behavior. Time after time, Melkor had his ass nearly fatally whopped by a bunch of lesser beings, including a prissy little tight-wearing bitch named Fingolfin. After a slew of random tales, he was finally permab&, leaving his liutenant Sauron, a maiar, in charge of his fortresses in Mordor for the duration of his abscence.

Sauron, like his master, was a dick of an overlord and was hell-bent on the domination of the peoples of middle earth. Once again, Mordor was invaded and put to the sword by the Nümenorians, and like his deceptive mentor, Sauron feigned honorable defeat in front of Ar-Pharazôn, the king of Nümenor. After which he was taken prisoner on Numenor and began his typical antics there, which resulted in Melkor-worship and the sinking of Numenor by Erú-Illuvatar. Sauron pulls a "BAIL BAIL BAIL" and his spirit returns to Mordor.

And it doesn't stop there yet. After Sauron regains his strength and grows a new army of orcs and trolls, and was able to resume a physical form: He decided from a list of dick-moves the ultimate bullshit dick-move: The creation of the rings of power. Shit goes more-or-less according to plan, but because Sauron is just as succeptible to oversight as his bonehead master Melkor, the elves realized the power of the one ring and took theirs off, corrupting only the Dwarves to become greedier than they usually were and human kings to become ringwraiths. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes: The last alliance whoops Sauron's ass once more and builds fortresses to keep the black land in check.

Time passes and the fortresses surrounding Mordor fall into orc hands due to human negligence, one example being Minas Morgul (Minas Ithil). The rest you know.

Places to Visit![edit]

Mordor is more than just an arid plateau with its toxic streams and choking atmosphere, it has a whole rainbow of variety- to its evil nature.

Plateau of Gorgoroth[edit]

A ashen wasteland, where Sauron and for a time Melkor, named Morgoth by prissy elves, hold court in the fortress of Barad-Dûr, which has a lovely view of Orodruin (Mt. Doom). This is where most of the action happens.


Before exiting the black gate, an orc needs a good implement of slaughter as well as a decent suit of armour, which he receives from the forges and armouries of Udûn. Thanks to the contribution of slaves, the forges spew out a steady supply of wicked tools and suits fit for orc raids.


Orcs need to eat, and the lands of Núrn supply them with a steady diet of meat and maggoty bread, courtesy of the, you guessed it, man-slaves. Volcanic ash works wonders on the crops, supplying a constant stream of fertilizer.


The ruins of ancient Nümenorians that lived there during the days of Gil-Galad and Isildur. Now the ownership like with all the failures of the Edain, has been moved over to lesser creatures like orcs.

Walking to Mordor[edit]

But two halflings and a mutant junkie halfling do simply sneak into there. The next bit is going off and describing Mordor's portrayal in the Last Ringbearer, a Russian fanfic written in 1999, 8 years after USSR colapse.

Thanks to the fascist kingdom of Gondor's misleading propaganda, many believe the industrious worker's paradise of Mordor was attacked by the coalition of the so-called "Free People" in a preventive war with the excuse that the former "dictator," Sauron, had a weapon of mass destruction.

Even knowing the love of the orc people for the liberal system and progress (Gorgoroth's engineer school was one of the greatest institutions of the Middle Earth concerning industry and Morgul's healthcare system the first on Ea's international ranking) the coalition used state terrorism (infiltrating two agents who instigated civil violence) and such false pretext as racial contamination and illegal immigration to assault the peaceful country and initiate a genocidal war. Now Mordor's once-powerful economy is stagnated by great numbers of mutilated young adult orcs incapable of work, and the heavy war sanctions eradicate any income from its once-proud heavy industries.