Neutronium golem

From 1d4chan
Oh God

A Neutronium golem is the monster that /tg/ whips out when two people are comparing dick sizes with prestige classes and obscure splatbooks, like Pun-Pun, and someone wants to say "oh yeah? well infinity plus one!". Neutronium golems will fuck your shit up, mostly because they will fuck up the solar system just by BEING THERE.

These bastards will divide by zero AS AN ATTACK OF OPPORTUNITY.

But hey, at least there aren't rules for a Neutronium Colossus. Well, not yet at least.

The official text[edit]


Neutronium golems are immensely powerful constructs fashioned from the super-dense material of a neutron star, sometimes known as death[sic] stars. These juggernauts were created by the time lords, who refer to the golems as "neutralisers," for the purpose of defending the borders between the higher and lower dimensions. Those who leave the confines of their own universe and attempt to enter another are usually intercepted by one or more of these extra-cosmic automatons. Very rarely, neutronium golems will themselves enter lower dimensional space at the behest of their creators to counteract some perceived threat. In these scenarios, the golems could be likened to cosmic scalpels, with the universe as the patient to be operated on.

A neutronium golem stands 8 feet tall, 7 feet broad and 6 feet deep, and weighs approx. 2.26x10^14 tons (effectively 4.52x10^17 pounds). A neutronium golem's unfeasibly high density gives it +32 virtual size categories.

A neutronium golem does not speak.

Stat Block for D&D 3e[edit]

Golem, Neutronium (Large Construct)
Hit Dice: 250d1000+1,966,080 (2,216,080 hp)
Initiative: +79
Speed: Fly 5,901,426,338' (perfect)
Armor Class: 932 (-1 size, -1 Dex, +80 gravitic mastery, +844 natural), touch 88, flat-footed 932
Base To-Hit: +187 (+437 grapple)
Attack: Slam +512 (40960d10+246 damage; average 225,526)
Full Attack: 2 slams, as above
Special Attacks: Gravitic aura, heat aura, pulsed x-ray, starquake
Special Qualities: Accretion, construct, damage reduction 1500/-, darkvision 60ft, fast healing 1500, gravitic mastery, immunity to magic, low-light vision, magnetar, superluminal, unearthly construction
Saves: Fort +163, Ref +162, Will +163
Abilities: Str 502, Dex 9, Con —, Int —, Wis 11, Cha 1
Environment: Outer space
Organization: Solitary, patrol (2-4), or with time lord (Divine Rank 192, 960HD)
Challenge Rating: 9721
Treasure: None
Alignment: always Neutral
Advancement: 251–353 HD (Large), 354–707 HD (Huge)
Level Adjustment: +17,427 (assuming sentience)
A ball of blistering heat surrounding this automaton is palpable. At its centre you can discern a dark grey humanoid shape, only slightly taller than a human, but proportionally built like a stocky dwarf. The surface of the figure is featureless, and seems to bubble and ripple as if constantly boiling.

For some reason, the method of working out bonus hit points aren't included in the Immortals Handbook, so how the bonus 1,966,080 hit points came about are unknown.


A neutronium golem is an all but invincible opponent, and is generally powerful enough to deal with even multiple cosmic-level threats simultaneously, or at the very least delay them until a time lord arrives to investigate the disturbance. Even approaching a neutronium golem is extremely hazardous for all but the most resilient opponents. Those struck by a neutralizer's powerful fists are often disintegrated with a single blow, their remains briefly decorating the construct's body before being incinerated and crushed to infinitesimal fragments by the unrelenting heat and gravity. A typical punch (averaging 225,526 damage) is fully capable of destroying a planet (an Earth-sized planet would have roughly 122,880 hp, raising the question of what would happen if 12,000 peasants each stabbed the earth with a knife 12 times).

Accretion (Ex): Anyone striking a neutronium golem must make a DC 461 Strength check as an immediate action to be able to retrieve their weapon (or appendage) from the automaton's surface following each and every attack. The save DC is Strength-based.

Damage Reduction (Ex): Neutronium has a natural hardness of 1500.

Fast Healing (Ex): The immense gravitational energy of a neutronium golem binds it together, allowing it to naturally heal 1500 hit points per round.

Table G-1: Neutronium Golem Gravitic Aura
Radius Hp Damage* Death Unconscious Stunning
20 ft 10% DC 461 - -
60 ft 2% DC 461 - -
200 ft - - DC 461 -
600 ft - - - DC 461
* The target's max hp is reduced by this amount each round

Gravitic Aura (Ex): The great mass of a neutronium golem causes gravitic disturbances within the localized area. Table G-1: Neutronium Golem Gravitic Aura details the myriad effects of this ability.

Gravitic Mastery (Su): A neutronium golem is not subject to gravity, including its own. It can control the ebb and flow of its own gravity, giving it a +80 elemental mastery bonus to its: armor class, attack rolls, checks (ability checks), difficulty class (for determining special abilities), initiative, and saving throws.

Table G-2: Neutronium Golem Heat Aura
Radius Divine Fire Damage
20 miles 62d1000 (avg. 31,031)
60 miles 15d1000 (avg. 7507)
200 miles 3d1000 (avg. 1501)
600 miles 1d1000 (avg. 500)

Heat Aura (Ex): The local area surrounding a neutronium golem burns with the fury of a thousand suns. Table G-2: Neutronium Golem Heat Aura details the divine fire damage experienced at different ranges.

Immunity to Magic (Ex): A neutronium golem is immune to any spell or spell-like ability that allows spell resistance.

Magnetar (Ex): Once a neutronium golem has identified a target for termination, the two beings are inextricably linked, and the neutronium golem can follow the target anywhere. Treat this as an infinite-range Spell Stowaway attuned to any magical methods of movement.

Pulsed X-Ray (Su): A neutronium golem can emit a pulsed x-ray each round as a free action. This wave targets everything within a 1000-mile spread centred on the golem. Those within the area of effect immediately suffer 125d1000 divine fire damage (avg. 62,562) with no save.

Table G-3: Neutronium Golem Death Throes
Radius Disintegration Fireball Blast Radiation*
140 miles DC 215 1400d6 2000d6 200
330 miles - 1400d6 2000d6 200
1000 miles - - 2000d6 200
1500 miles - - 200d6 20
2000 miles - - 20d6 2
2500 miles - - 2d6 -
*Ability damage to Str, Dex and Con.

Starquake (Ex): The death throes of a neutronium golem results in a cosmic conflagration, much akin to a miniature supernova. Table G-3: Neutronium Golem Death Throes details the amount of damage. Blast damage should be treated as bludgeoning damage. The effect is roughly equivalent to 150 petatons of TNT. The save DC is Constitution-based.

Superluminal (Ex): A neutronium golem travels at the speed of light. This gives it a movement speed of 5,621,108,587 feet, the equivalent of 1,117,694 miles per round or 186,282 miles per second.

Unearthly Construction (Ex): A neutronium golem is fashioned by time lords and other similarly powerful beings. These cosmic automatons use d1000's for Hit Dice and have maximum hit points per Hit Die.


A neutronium golem's body is created from the heart of a neutron star. Conjuring the body requires a successful DC 9721 Spellcraft check.

CL9721st; Craft Construct, disintegrate, fireball, geas/quest, poison, reverse gravity, wish. Caster must be at least 9721st level. Price: 1,939,000,000 gp. Cost: 969,500,000 gp + 77,560,000 XP.

Adventure Ideas[edit]

Mid-cosmic: A neutronium golem has been destroyed in proximity to a planet by some unseen power, but its death throes have blasted and burnt half the world. Those creatures that have somehow survived have become mutated (into paragon pseudo-natural congents[sic] and worse) from the radiation, and the borders between the two sides of the planet have become a dangerous battleground.

High Cosmic: Azathoth, an insane and dreadfully powerful Old One from the Far Realm, has somehow been able to possess a neutronium golem, and has decided to have the neutraliser destroy all other deities of this universe.

High Cosmic: An army of neutronium golems has warped into space in a desperate effort to salvage your universe from annihilation at the hands of a great host of umbrals lead by the entropic first one Tamas himself.

Downloads and other shit[edit]

  • This golem is merely the toughest monster in Upper_Krust's Epic Bestiary. There are dozens here who each would look at a room full of everyone in the Epic Level Handbook and Deities & Demigods, then simply say, "Lunchtime."
  • Rules to make player characters strong enough to challenge, or even wipe their asses with, ol' Neutro here. A great resource for epic gaming, especially if you've ever wanted to roleplay gods, overgods, sentient universes with levels in the thousands, or just want to hit bastards with a 100d100+5000 greataxe with 200 iterative attacks as a swift action.
  • For both books you'll need a CBR reader such as ComicRack (Windows) or Comix (Linux), or you could change the extensions to RAR and extract the images.
  • An added bonus: Challenging Challenge Ratings v5. This lets you precisely calculate ECLs and CRs, but don't bother unless you really love doing lots of math.
    • Note that while this says CR, it really means ECL, and to figure out CR just multiply the final result by 2/3. Also you should apply silver rule to all factor totals, not just those totals less than 20. These two "erratas" make the document into v6.
    • Protip: you may wish to fiddle with the values of some factors when determining Level Adjustments, as Krusty didn't take into account that while some abilities mean diddly-squat to monsters that are gonna die in a few rounds anyway, yet are super fucking holy shit in the hands of players. Just multiply such factors x2 or x4 if it's powerful for players, or divide by 1/2 or 1/4 if players wouldn't give a damn.
  • And finally, the main forum for Immortals Handbook stuff, the guy's website with even more stuff (including vaporware of 4e IH), and IH-created statblocks of epic monsters, gods, and a star turtle. Have a blast.