New Terran Rangers

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A thread on /tg/ about Slaaneshi cultists hiding in the imperial guard turned into a legitimate, if entirely comedic, regiment idea.

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Screencap of the events

The New Terran Rangers (NTR for short) is an Imperial Guard Regiment that appears to be the perfect Regiment. For example, Rangers are inspirational, smell well, are excellent marksmen and can motivate even the most tired soldiers into taking up arms against the Imperium's foes. However, this is not the case: the entire Regiment is in fact made of Slaaneshi LARPers who decided to be the ultimate perverts by NTR’ing Slaanesh and becoming a complete parody of Imperial Guardsmen. Inspiring speeches are given everyday, Commissars (known as Cummissars) beat the shit out of their enemies with giant Aquilas and half the Inquisitors deployed with the Rangers (because the Imperium smells something fishy but can’t figure it out) are also Slaaneshi LARPers. Slaanesh actually approves, believe it or not, because s/he has an NTR fetish (hence the name of the Regiment) along with all the other fetishes and the Emprah's furious tears at the Rangers are used by her/him as lube for masturbation, so all is well.

Obviously, this makes them the enemies of Tzeenchian cultists and the Eldar. Tzeenchian cultists hate them because they’re supposed to be the best at infiltrating and staying hidden from the enemy; the fact that Slaaneshi cultists do it better than them causes them to rage, and the Eldar hate them because they’re Slaaneshi. Not the Dark Eldar, though, cause they’re in on the joke as well, and whenever the two battle the Dark Eldar play the role of the mustache-twirling villain, much to the amusement of both and annoyance to the regular Eldar. Regular Imperial forces aren’t sure what to make of them, however. Some Regiments who deploy with the Rangers rebel when the two Regiments are separated for redeployment (causing much lols to be had). The Inquisition always has a few Inquisitors assigned with them to make sure that this weird Regiment is non-Chaos (although a few are Slaaneshi LARPers). The Emperor, however, is fucking livid at the Chaosfags posing as Imperials, but has to keep them around because they inspire the shit out of other Regiments and are super effective against non-Slaaneshi Chaos forces.

Common tactics include (when no-one's looking) charging buck-naked and sticking their dicks/tentacles/whatever into enemy orifices (including Tyranids). If they’re being supervised, they prefer to ram their bayonets into the buttholes of enemy troops. Painting vehicles pink is quite popular, as well as deploying with 'abhumans' (really just Daemons).

Vaslegas[edit]

Vaslegas is a hiveworld considered to be, previously, a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Near entirely coated in urban terrain, there is little to none of the natural life of the world left, having been erased and turned into facilities for the people of the planet. It is very much an urban jungle with an 80's twist on it, and is essentially a giant space casino, which incidentally was its only asset to the rest of the galaxy, being very much a holiday world as well as a hiveworld. Hives look very different on Vaslegas, with even the least housing being well-furnished and luxurious in comparison to lesser hives, and the hives extend tall into the sky and atmosphere of Vaslegas, with the penthouses of the richest touching the upper atmosphere, situating themselves above the toxic smog that hangs over the lower city.

Life on Vaslegas is city life, though very much divided between crime, and the more legal crime of politics. If you are situated in the upper echelons of the world, your life would take place in mostly the clean and fresh environs of the upper spires and hive apartments of the upper city. Politicking is rife here, and only the most ruthless and intelligent survive, politicians, Casino-owners, Mob Bosses, all common players in the upper city. Mid-city is populated by those who work the casinos, and is the only place you can find those attempting to earn an honest living, however futile that may be, Casino workers, clerks, bankers, accountants, the middle class of a pleasure world, all reside here, they have earned the right to air that is at least breathable. The lower city is a remnant of an earlier time in Vaslegas' history, when it's small store of natural resources drove industry fast and hard, decimating the landscape in the process of quickly and violently excavating the planet's riches. The resultant chemical smog is a mild euphoriac and aphrodisiac, and is regarded by many as the reason this planet so quickly fell to Slaanesh, starting from the ground up. The dregs of society, and those who need to work in the shadows, live here, including the Homeless, Cultists, Thieves and Thugs, and all manner of those who wish to stay hidden or stay high.

There are 2 cities on Vaslegas, New Terra, for whom most of the planet is named, and which takes up the entire western hemisphere and half of the east, and Luna Secundus, the smallest hive city, but still enormous. New Terra was named by those first explorators to the planet before the dark age of technology, who, yearning for their home world of Terra, named it in her honour. There they first discovered the gaseous deposits of a forerunner substance used in Archaeotech at the time, and set up a mining colony, where they used experimental techniques to quickly rip the deposits from the ground. The resultant runoff was considered nondangerous, if a mild euphoric and aphrodisiac, and was for the most part ignored in favour of technological progress. The mining operation continued to expand, until supplies of the resource ran very quickly dry. The explorators had in the meantime expanded their operation to the eastern hemisphere of the planet, but found nothing there, so they set up a forward supply base and named it Luna Secundus, after the moon of terra, and it's notable sparseness. After the mining colony ran dry, the explorators built over the mining base, and turned it into a liveable city. In time, due to a lack of supplies and general lack of wealth, the city, and the descendants of the explorators, built an economy entirely centred around gambling. Luck, and intelligence, played a large part in the people's status in New Terra, and as the city grew, gambling became a planetary expression of identity. Soon, as the city spread to encompass the entire western hemisphere, gambling became New Terra's main asset, being of interest to tourists and those who wish to make their fortune alike.

Luna Secundus, meanwhile, grew as an area of clean air, where the citizens who deigned to take on the running of the planet established their political base. It eventually became an area where those who could afford to not live in the chemical smog lived, and then it was just considered the rich part of town. Now, it has been risen off the ground so as to preserve the aura of cleanliness about it, which is ironic, because the citizenry of Luna Secundus are mostly corrupted, either in soul or in morals.

Vaslegas went through a rebirth recently, whereupon, after a sweep of Slaaneshi corruption through the lower city of New Terra, spreading upwards to eventually covertly corrupt the entire planet, turning all into a Slaaneshi planet, their debauchery hidden in the mists of the chemical fog. It was here that a conclave among cult was had, and a decision made. The ultimate debauchery, to Cuck Slaanesh itself. The cultists then staged a mock revolution, in full view of the Imperium, sacrificing thousands of lesser members of society, those who refused to go along with the plan, and those who had not responded to the siren call of Slaanesh. The Imperium eventually responded, sending the Sisters of Battle alongside a cohort of the Ecclesiarchy's Frateris Militia, to help cleanse the "Corruption" from the planet. After the war was over in record time, the Ecclesiarchy declared the planet pure once more, and, commending the Vaslegans for their bravery in facing this dire spiritual threat and chastising them for allowing it in the first place, recommended them to have a Guard regiment made, to both atone for their crimes and serve the Emperor directly.

Thus, the New Terran Rangers were born, and the cultists plan was put into action.

The Regiments[edit]

The New Terran Rangers have a fairly straightforward plan of attack, that being to throw themselves, screaming and frothing, at the enemy, and hit them as hard as possible before they die. This, while ordinarily not a valid plan of attack, even for the Imperium, works better in conjunction with the combat drugs distributed through the regiment before battle, and after battle, and during downtime. This method has given them a reputation for exceedingly good Shock Troopers, and as such the NTR has taken on a reputation for them.

Each Trooper to join the New Terran Rangers is collected from Vaslegas after undergoing an entirely covert bootcamp of delicious pleasure and pain, then being brainwashed and trained as an actual soldier, before being inducted into the thinking of the Cult of Vaslegas, and informed of their duties in the New Terran Rangers to keep their lips zipped about the Slaaneshi influence. They then go through a false bootcamp on the surface of Luna Secundus, to fool the Imperial trainers, and pay lip service to their ideas, before being booted off to the Rangers and inducted into the cult proper.


Officers above the platoon-level are taken from Vaslegas' higher ups, either being a cult leader, a Sorcerer, or a politician that was booted into the Rangers as a way of disposing of them, continuing the vicious cycle of Vaslegan politics. Officers of the New Terran Rangers typically lead them into battle personally, and are often lost in the same frenzy of drugs and violence that claims the rank and file troopers, giving the officer position the same turnover rate as the rest of the regiment.

Famous Figures or Formations[edit]

HERESY. HERESY EVERYWHERE.

Commissar Derek Nophun: This Commissar was assigned to the New Terran Rangers after their first engagement as a regiment, the celebration of which lead to four nights of partying, whereupon the nearby hive that they saved was run dry of fresh food, alcohol, and medical drugs. Assigned to keep a close eye on the NTR for deviant behaviour, he has repeatedly reported that they are corrupted by Slaanesh, but only on a shaky basis of weird shit happening. Because he can never bring any proof before the Lord Commissar and does not want to be killed for insubordination by just killing them himself, he has developed a reputation for being a crackpot. The Regiment do not flaunt this at him, but he does sometimes find a few unexplained tentacles in his bed in the morning.

Captain Mary Lascivious: Previous Head of the Slaaneshi Cult of Vaslegas, she was at the forefront of the battles in "Cleansing" the Slaaneshi taint from Vaslegas, despite being the one to orchestrate this entire experience, and knowing that the people she killed were the actual allies of the Imperium. This experience left her with a permanent erection, gifted to her by Slaanesh in its ecstasy as it realised it was being introduced to an entirely new fetish. The Captain has since been at the forefront of every single engagement by the New Terran Rangers, cloaked in the blood and semen of enemies and allies alike, she cuts a bloody swathe through the enemy with her "Powersword" and a Custom made phallic bolt pistol. She leads the Slaaneshi Cult of the New Terran Rangers from within, organising all rituals and activities covertly, and seducing any higher ups who might need to turn a blind eye to their activity.

Crunchy Stuff[edit]

Regiment Classification
Imperial Guards
Regiment Demographic
"Priesthood"
Nature of Recruitment
Standard Conscription (Albeit Manipulated)
Homeworld Designation
Hive world
Homeworld Terrain
Urban
Regiment Core Units
Shock Troopers
Specialization
Shock and Awe
Loyalty Rating
Overzealous. Not for the right reasons though.
Special Equipment
Slaaneshi Chaos Magic
Regiment Creed
Esoteric Beliefs
Regiment Friends
Ecclesiarchy (They helped us become a regiment! Fools.)
Regiment Enemies
Tzeentch. You'd think he'd be all about this but it's all done for a fetish, so no.

Vaslegan New Terran Rangers Regiment Summed Up[edit]

We are part of the Imperial Guard. The draftees are entirely made out of loyal but still intelligent cultists who can understand their mission and their need for secrecy. The planet we're from was a Mining Colony turned Casino world turned Pleasure planet turned Hive World, so a little confusing. Our force is mainly made up out of Shock Troopers and rank and file infantry, armed with standard weaponry, everyone is issued with a melee weapon, and the secret slaaneshi sorcery of the Officers and Leaders of the regiment. We rely heavily on Shock and Awe tactics, and we don't back down from any fight, because we're hopped up on drugs and dying feels great. We also ocasionally team up with the Ecclesiarchy, because it really gets our motors running to know the holiest people in the galaxy are helping us get our rocks off in battle, and they're useful in fighting Tzeentch.

Writefaggotry[edit]

To be Included

External Links[edit]