Oinkbane the Deadly is a were-boar assassin. He is notable for being subtle and even devious in his approach to his target while making it clear that he is on the way. His battle cries are "TOO SUBTLE!" and "SNEAK ATTACK!"
> Planning encounter
> Want assassin to attack
> Thinking about how the assassin could create an interesting encounter without having to one hit people or die which is unfun
> Scrolling through monster manual
> The level I want the assassin to be
> Suddenly it hits me
> THE ASSASSIN IS A WEREBOAR
GODAMNIT I'M A GENIUS! I SHOULD DM MORE OFTEN!
While trying to locate the main buildings such as the tavern in the surrounding area, there is a sudden commotion, the cloaked man has murdered the woman, two guards who were stationed at the entrance to the town take a step forward before something odd becomes clearly apparent. The man’s face has become twisted and his nose has been pushed out from his head. Suddenly a small patch of black fur grows on his face and covers his whole body. His medium sized body has grown tall and muscular. His nose could no longer be called a nose, rather a snout and his ears have become a bright pink. This now pig-like giant man looks the guards right in the eyes and screams “I am Oinkbane the Deadly, and you will now suffer my SNEAK ATTAAAAAAAAACK!”
Steve - A human male. Oinkbane's Apprentice. He looks perfectly normal. Is often disguised as things as part of Oinkbane's plans. Has a secret love for Skitters that is constantly accidentally foiled by Oinkbane.
Skitters - A ratgirl thief. Oinkbane's other Apprentice. Oinkbane constantly refers to her as a catgirl. Constantly tries to escape or to continue operating as a thief. Never succeeds.
Porkbane - Oinkbane's brother. Is an office worker. Has powers similar to Oinkbane, but only uses them to collect taxes and make sure people are doing work.
Gentlepork - Oinkbane's father. Is a gentleman, but has had his reputation ruined due to relationship to his widow - most people assume he is up to no good.
Madam Rinds - Oinkbane's deceased mother, and his tutor in the art of subtlety.
The Memoirs of Oinkbane
Oinkbane's first recorded hit according to Refrek Spine Snapper > Oinkbane is hired to assassinate a wealthy individual > Man comes back after a long day > Oinkbane stands in the center of the room, a blanket over his head > Sign on the blanket reads "not an assassin" > "Dammit, this is the third time this week. Just come out." > Oinkbane doesn't move, shuffles a little to the right. > "I know you're under that." > "No you don't." > "Yes I do, I didn't have a large talking lump in the middle of my livingroom this morning." > Man walks over and pulls off the blanket, revealing a stack of pillows. > For a moment he merely stands there confused. > Oinkbane drops from the ceiling, swinging an oversized mallet back and forth > "SNEAK ATTACK!!!"
And thus Oinkbane's weapon became his oversized mallet/hammer.
>King is passing by farm to stay at local inn >Notices the farm's enclosure for pigs. >Notices that one of the pigs is, in fact, a wereboar, on his hands and knees, rooting around. >Turns to his guard. "Oh great, it's this fucker we've been hearing about, go deal with him." >His guard is suddenly Oinkbane. >MY TACTICS ARE TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU!
>Wealthy merchant walking down city street at night. >Pauses, as he sees something in the middle of the road. >There is a very clearly marked X, painted in white, in the middle of the road. >Merchants turns, takes side alley. >Keeps walking >Finds another big white X in his path. >Quickly takes a different road. >Nearly home >Finds big white X in front of his door. >Takes the back door in, has his guards comb the house >This potential assassin is clearly a retard >Goes upstairs, gets in bed >Puts head on pillow >Some shit is on the pillow >Turns on the light, it's white paint. >Oinkbane crashes through the window >Screaming "MY TACTICS ARE TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU!"
> Oinkbane is one again hired to kill someone. > A wealthy merchant hears a knock on his door, there is a large crate on his door step. > On the side painted crudely are the words "IZ NOT AN ASSASSIN." > "I didn't order anything." > After a listening at the crate he hears breathing inside. > Takes the crate inside. > Opens up the crate. > Filled with several sheep. > Oinkbane rolls out from under the man's bed > Smacks him on the back of the head with his hammer. > "SNEAK ATTACK!!!"
>Oinkbane is hired to assassinate a crime lord >Day of the crime lord's daughter's wedding >Crime lord is greeting people, daughter and groom are dancing >One of the appitizer tables begins moving, guards move to intercept. >Oinkbane jumps out of the wedding cake, crushing the crime lord's skull. >"TOOOOO SUBTLE!"
>Princess about to meet her groom-to-be >Arranged marriage, never met him before >Guards everywhere >She's sat on a throne on a raised dais >Groom comes in >he's rather ugly-looking, piglike face, hairy >guards crowd around him, suspicious, leaving few guards near the princess >OinkBane bursts out of floor of dais, kills princess >"My tactics are too subtle for you!"
>> Local baron has been causing trouble >> Bounty placed on his head >> One day a giant wooden boar on wheels appears >> A note saying ' I IZ PRESENT' >> Baron takes it into his castle >> Guards examine it carefully >> Oinkbane breaks down castle gates >> Kills baron with mallet >> "TOOOO SUBTLE"
>Target is walking home >Big fucker making oinking noises is following him >Not being fooled >Calls the cops >Cops come pull big oinking fucker away >Goes home >Eats Dinner >Watches some porn online >Plays some vidya >Goes to /tg/ >Sees thread on wereboar assassin >Reads thread >Laughs self nearly to death >Regains sides >Drinks some Coke >Does some work on the computer >Browses other /tg/ threads >Turns off computer >Oinksbane smashes through ceiling. >"MY TACTICS ARE TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU"
>Rich merchant hears of assassination attempt >increases sentries and guardsmen >entire fort outfitted >armed to the teeth >receive letter from courier >it's from Oinkbane >inside, just the words TOO SUBTLE >then, nothing >4 weeks later, another letter arrives >inside, SNEAK ATTACK >nothing again >1 more month >third letter >picture of the merchant, dead >"merchant" has been Oinkbane in disguise for the past month
>Oinkbane is hired to kill someone >Its winter >Man comes home. >looks at the giant and small snowman the neigbour's kids must of built >He hears loud breathing coming out of the big one >"Is someone inside there?" >"No" >Man starts trying to take snow off from the huge snowman >Suddenly Oinkbane appears through the smaller snowman >"SNEAK ATTAAAAAACK"
> Oinkbane hired to to assassinate someone over christmas > Christmas night the man wakes up, sounds like something is on his roof. > Walks downstairs, something is knocking soot down his chimney > Presents sit around the tree > Man grabs a fire poker from its place by the fire > Suddenly a black booted foot appears in the bottom of the chimney > Present behind the man burst open > Oinkbane leaps out and smashes him over the head. > "TOO SUBTLE!!!"
>Oinkbane is hired to do yet another wedding assassination. >The bride's father walks her up the isle. >Tears and crying from the audience. >The priest begins the ceremony. >A huge claoked figure is pushing his way through the crowd! >Guards move to intercept. >Preist continues the ceremony phlegmatically. >Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? >I do. >Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? >The bride nods. >There is a first breaking out between the hooded figure and the guards. >The groom leans in and lifts the wife's veil. >"TOO SUBTLE!" Oinkbane screams, after kissing the groom.
>party of adventurers have caught the ire of a corrupt lord >a hit is called on them >they move through the city cautiously >as they pass through the market they spot a hideously ugly woman pushing around an enormous baby carriage with great difficulty >party draws weapons and begin to harass the ugly woman and child >suddenly the nearby shop window explodes, peppering the party with shards of glass and stunning them >Oinkbane stumbles out half blind and deaf, swinging a mallet >"THIS IS A SNEAK ATTACK"
> Oinkbane is hired to assassinate a paranoid noble > The noble is in his heavily guarded gallery when he notices a picture of a wereboar that wasn't there previously > Having studied Oinkbane's previous exploits, the noble knows the one place Oinkbane is definitely not is this painting so he huddles close to it > There is a figure close to the door > Noble orders his guards to charge it > A hammer crushes the noble's skull at that moment, it came from the painting > "SNEAK ATTAAAAAAAAACK!"
> Oinkbane is hired to kill a traveling merchant > The man has heard of Oinkbane by reputation, and watches the forest > For days as he travels nothing happens > Finally he makes it to a city and unpacks his barrels of wine > What's this huge barrel? > It's much larger than the others and he didn't remember purchasing it. > A sign of the side reads "IZ RELLY SLIPPY JUICE" > Slowly takes it out and pulls his emergency sword from under the seat > Stabs the casket > No squeals, simply wine > Where did this wine com--- > From the sky a oink rings out > Oinkbane just dropped from holding onto the legs of several birds > "TOO SUBTLE!"
>A contact requests for Oinkbane's services. The task? Remove the proprietor of the Whistlepig Whiskey Distillery >Late one night, a large wooden crate with bore holes shows up at the gate to the distillery, appended with a note with the words >"WhIsTLIng pIg-OBAIn" scrawled in greasepen >Guards don't know what the fuck, but it whistles... >... Fuck it. >Proprietor shows up that morning with his reading glasses, paranoid but confident he'll survive the competition >Notices the crate in the center of the warehouse, checks the arrival logs, goes pale when he reads the last entry >motions for the guards >Guards get their pigstickers and try to kill Oinkbane through the boreholes >The crate shudders and screams as A HUGE WHISTLING PIG FUCKING TURNS THE CRATE AND MOB OF GUARDS INTO SPLINTERS, THEN ROOTS THROUGH THE WAREHOUSE IN A PANIC >The Proprietor panics and runs for his office where he hides behind a novelty miniature distillery made of hammered-together copper and driftwood >Wait, why's this miniature distillery so big? >The lid of the mash tun pops open as two holes for very hairy, soggy arms appear >"MY TACTICS ARE TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU" >Two holes appear in the Distillery wall a half-hour later. Authorities are trying to locate the whistling pig, a novelty distillery set, the missing proprietor, and >whoever made the second fucking hole.
> Oinkbane needs to kill another wealthy individual. > He is having an enormous dinner party. > He knows about the assassination and so has someone tasting all his food. He also heard that Oinkbane is a particularly ingenious assassin known for using distractions > "Sir, the food is clean." > "And the wine?" > "Yes sir, and the wine." > "Any suspicious individuals around?" > "No sir, everyone has their invitation" > Suddenly they bring out the main course, a roasted boar, it's still under the cover. > The wealthy lord realizes the were-boar's plans and stares down the platter > "Could this be... a distraction?" > Lights go out, noise and screams are heard > BUT WE ARE INITIATED, AREN'T WE BRUCE? > Some servants bring candles in > The nobleman is found dead, apparently bludgeoned to death by a roasted boar > a greasy letter with a pig-insignia is left behind, with only these cryptic words in it: 2SUBTLE4YOU
> Group of adventurers face off against Oinkbane in attempt to stop him once and for all > Defeat his multiple forms, some involving huge tentacles > They stand triumphant, having saved the country > Collect enormous amounts of treasure and what not. > At the award ceremony the princess comes up to the party leader, a veil covering her face > She hands him a note. > "I was told, I needed to give this to you." > All the note says "TOO SUBTLE" > The party leader looks around in panic, lifts the princess veil > Just a normal princess > Looks around at all the windows... no crashing glass > Looks in the treasure, no were boar > Checks the food, no pork on the menu > No large crates around... > Where could he be? > A small oink comes from the party behind him, in turn they say > TOO > SUBTLE > FOR > YOU > The party and its leader were never heard from again
>PC's have encountered Oinkbane before and barely escaped with their lives. They alone know his subtle ways >go to a new city to start over and lie low >get recruited by the local lord for a covert mission >There have been a spate of mysterious and brutal deaths in the city >the deaths are so brutal it's assumed only an intelligent animal could have done such damage yet escaped each time >The PC's know better >the PCs have tracked it down to a gigantic warehouse >smashed equipment is everywhere "I…I roll to track" >the trail of destruction leads to a closed loading bay >bloody drag marks lead to the closed doors >PC's spend half an hour summoning up their courage to run in >PC's slowly open the door… and breathe a sigh of relief "Will you look at that! It's just a White Dragon! Wonder how nobody saw it >suddenly the dragon opens it's eyes and desperately strains against the chain holding it there, looking at a spot behind the PC's in terror >The door slams shut behind them "TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU!!"
>Man suspects Oinkbane is after him >Buys a massive fortress, guards, magical security out the wazoo >Has all mysterious crates, oinking strangers, ominous snowmen, veiled women, moving trees, pillow forts, paintings, Steves, large pigs, butcher shops and overly suspicious bushes in the area exterminated with extreme prejudice >Lives a lonely, paranoid life >Old and in bed, exhausted and at edge of death >Hooded cleric walks in to ease him into afterlife >Old man realizes he never called a cleric >Pulls off the hood and reveals a broom >Oinkbane's head appears from under the bed >"TOO SUBTLE!!"
Oinkbane and Creed team up: >Abbadon the Despoiler lands on Cadia. >Marches his forces towards the Capital >Suddenly finds a mysterious shack standing in the middle of the warzone, brightly painted and declaring "FREE ARMZ INCIDE" >CREED, OF COURSE! >Abbadon has forces demolish shack >Suddenly, Kharn rips off his helmet, revealing wereboar features >TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU >Abadon is mercilessly beaten, but Oinkbane is obliterated in a storm of bolter shells >Enraged, Abbadon kicks the corpse >A Baneblade falls out >CREEEEEEEEEEEEED! >Baneblade runs over Abbadon and destroys his guard, but is crippled and wrecked. >Suddenly hatch on Baneblade pops open >Oinkbane Leaps out >TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU >Abbadon is beaten by a hammer >Khorne, help me! >Portal to the Warp opens, summoning a demon to aid him >It is only a confused Steve >CREEEEEED?!?!?!
Anonymous: This is like Inception but with tactical genius and manpigs. Anonymous: Just wait until wereboars are declared official Abhumans, fit for recruitment into the Imperial Guard. Anonymous: And suddenly, all of /tg/ was converting Oinkbane to use as Sly Marbo. Anonymous: Imagine Oinkbane with Tzeentch's blessing. Maybe Oinkbane is Tzeentch incarnate. Anonymous: Subtlety and just as planned have reached critical levels.
> Planet is being invaded by tyranids > Guardsmen have been terrorized by lictors for days > Rumons that the death leaper is there > Guards sitting around camp, hearing scratches in the walls > Suddenly enormous crashes come from outside > A lictor jumps out, ready to scythe a guard > TOO SUBTLE > Oinkbane bursts through an air vent and kicks the lictor in the face > Another lictor jumps out to slice him > Oinkbane was actually a cleverly sculpted pile of ork droppings > Oinkbane bursts through the ceiling and snaps the lictor's neck > A third lictor comes out of a air vent and smacks Oinkbane out the window > Is in a hive city so it's a several thousand food drop > As oinkbane flies out the window he flies through the other > "SNEAK ATTACK!!" > Four days later the entire hive fleet has been tuned back, including an entire hive ship mysteriously exploding in on itself...
>Guards on watch for Oinkbane, protecting their liege. >Find suspicious looking guy loitering around town >Arrest Steve >Question Steve about the whereabouts of Oinkbane >Steve knows nothing >Head guard - "Wait... is Oinkbane a Wereboar? This could be Oinkbane!" >Hapless Steve is beaten up by guards >Suddenly window is smashed by giant wereboar >Guards turn and begin to combat Oinkbane >Oinkbane lays on the floor whimpering >Turns out its Steve in an oversized Wereboar costume >If this is Steve... >Oinkbane rips off his undersized Steve costume >"TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU"
So let's get this straight. Oinkbane: A.Changes his appearence at will B.Is a master of tactics and stealth C.Has unstoppable physical strength D.Can predict events far in advance E.Manipulates his hapless foes so he can kill them quicker... at this point all we need is for him to be voiced by Scott McNeil and we can then confirm he's Alpharius. Or Omegon. Or Both. Anonymous: No, Alpharius is Oinkbane Anonymous: So Oinkbane human form is also alpharius? Fucking primarch...
>Powerful Wizard learns he is being targeted by Oinkbane. >Scoffs at the idea of being undone by some pitiful wereboar. >Sequesters himself inside his mighty wizard tower. >Begins using divining magic to see what the assassin has been up to recently. >Finds Oinksbane entering the shop the wizard regularly purchases his food from. >Casts a spell to seal off the kitchen and detect any danger in his food. >Sees Oinkbane then head to the shop where the wizard purchases his robes and hats. >Casts a spell to make sure his clothes are not a danger, or a cleverly disguised wereboar. >Sees Oinkbane visiting a metalworking shop to purchase a set of tools for cutting through metal. >Casts a spell to turn his legion of iron golems transparent so they could not possibly hide the assassin within. >Finally sees Oinksbane standing in a field somewhere far from the tower. >"Ok, Steve, Hit it!" >Wizard hears an unearthly loud creaking of wood and iron in the distance. >Looks out window. >Horizon is filled with the rapidly growing specks of boulders fired from what must have been an ungodly number of trebuchets. >In the moments before the tower is hit, the Wizard notices, on the first stone to come into view, something carved in the side. >"TOO" >Wizard panics, but summons up a giant wall of ice to capture the boulders mere feet before they impact. >Takes a deep breath to calm himself. >From within the ice-wall one of the boulders begins to shake. >The actually-paper-mache boulder and the ice around it burst as a furiously flailing wereboar bursts out. >"SUBTLE FOR YOU!"
>Wealthy landed knight hears rumours that Oinkbane has been set on his head. >Contracts the construction of a double palisade and moat to his castle >Triples his personal guard. >Boxes start appearing within his domain. >He has wizards blow them skyhigh. >This carries on for weeks, escalating in intensity. >Most of the surrounding baronies lax their security, what with all the racket, and have a good laugh. >Knight runs himself into poverty, develops anxiety disorder. >Barely eats food, constantly receives bacon pizza deliveries he never ordered. >Considers suicide to be rid of it all. >Suddenly >Sixty miles away, in a nobleman's house >"SUBTLE!!" >Oinkbane bursts from within his bedframe and murders his actual target.
Anonymous: I would hire him to kill the deities and enjoy the show.
> Oinkbane is sitting on a rock outside of camp > "Oinkbane, what are you doing?" > "I iz thinkin' of way to kill fancy sky man." > Oinkbane is holding his hammer and starring at the clouds. > "Fancy sky man?" > "You know, big men, wear dress, shoot lighting, have bea--" Oinkbane stops mid sentence... > "You mean a god?" > "NO, IT PERFECT! GOD JUST LIKE WIZARD, ONLY FIGHT WIZARD WITH WIZARD." > The sack of potatoes disguised as Oinkbane sitting on the rock falls over, from his tent Oinkbane bursts out wearing his dress and beaver. > Oinkbane starts firing magic into the sky scream "TOO SUBTLE!"
Anonymous: Every time someone references the beaver I imagine it alive and not happy about the situation and trying to escape his face. Anonymous: Yes, but he's strapped it on with leather cords. Anonymous: What if the beaver is actually magic? Refrek Spine Snapper: So... like it's not in the beard... but the beaver itself it the magic bit? Anonymous: He uses a different beaver each time. It isn't having a beard or having a beaver. It's having both and being subtle about it. Refrek Spine Snapper: And the dress... don't forget the dress. That's why women do more hidden magic. They're more subtle about hiding their beavers than wizards are. Anonymous: "They're more subtle about hiding their beavers than wizards are." My god you... you really just said that.
>Oinkbane is hired to kill adventurers >Stalks them through the land >The party can plainly see him walking behind them and crashing through trees >This continues for three nights >Eventually barbarian gets fed up and goes to attack >Oinkbane had made a camp a little farther back in some tumbled boulders >The barbarian goes to the center of his camp and yells 'You are on the boulders you cant fool me!' >Oinkbane is actually on the other side of the closest boulder >Oinkbane was taking a shit, but now he projects it on the party >He squeals NINJA STYLE as he takes out the shit covered party
>The mark is on a pirate lord this time, he commands a small fleet. >The pirate is in on the whole dark ring of assassins and bribery and all that, he knows Oinkbane's reputation >2 days after they've left port, he realizes Oinkbane must be aboard one of the ships as a stowaway. >"Gather the men, I want every inch of this ship checked, then once that's done, order the next ship along to do so, and repeat." he orders. >"Aye sir!" the first mate replies. >The ships crew are brought to muster, the ship is searched and it seems like there's no boar aboard, for now >Suddenly, an explosion from the ship sailing to their right, the sail collapses and the ship begins to burn, all is chaos. Two more explosions go off and another pair of >ships are on fire. >The entire priate fleet is in ramshackles, apart from the pirate lords. Eventually men are pulled from the water and most of the ships are saved. >"Gods damn him, I bet this was all a distraction. First Mate! Give me a report on the damage to fleet!" >"It seemed to be alchemist's fire Sir. Set on a timer to go off, obviously a distraction, albeit a heavily damaging one." the First Mate replied. >"Well that was plainly obvious, but what is the damage to the fleet?" the Lord asked impatiently. >"Well... Three ships have sustained minor damage." as he spoke the First Mate's voice deepened. >Seemingly out of nowhere he drew a hammer. >The Captain turned to see his First-Mate transform into WereBoar form. >OinkBane screamed as he swung the hammer. >"AND TWO SCUTTLED!"
Anonymous: TWO SCUTTLED!!! You win the thread. No, you win all threads ... forever. Anonymous: oh god! I didn't get, it now I do... does anyone have some spare sides?
>The Nobles get tired of Oinkbane constantly killing them >put a huge bounty on his head >Sardoth the Grim, killer for hire takes the contract >Typical grimdark edgy assassin with a single facial scar, wears black all the time >He's killed almost as many people as Oinkbane >Tracks Steve back from town one day, takes him hostage just within earshot of camp >Oinkbane comes charging out >"Don't worry apprentice I will save you" >Sardoth is too fast, Oinkbane can't land a single hit >Soon Oinkbane is bleeding from a dozen wounds >Steve and Skitters have fled >Oinkbane flees to nearby caves >Sardoth follows him in, cautiously >"I know you're a master of disguise Oinkbane, but my swords are silver - and you're leaving me a trail of blood to follow" >Deep within the caves Sardoth sees Oinkbane standing in a small dead end, a candle in his hand >"Hah, yes, follow. And here, there is no room to dodge" >Oinkbane snuffs out the candle >Sardoth hears a voice come out of the darkness >"Subtle, yes?" >After a few days the nobles are still awaiting a message. >Sardoth contacts them, says he's killed Oinkbane >they demand proof, set up a meeting >Figure in black arrives at the meeting hall, dragging a huge sack and a hood over his face >guards stab the sack, nothing >guards pull the hood back >"Uh Hi?" says Steve >"SNEAK ATTACK!" yells one of the nobles and crushes the head of the man next to him with a huge hammer >Oinkbane pulls off his noble disguise >"Your assassin was not subtle enough, too much stabby and not enough smashy"
> Noble hears of Oinkbane being hired to assassinate him > Puts all his money in a counter assassin instead > Counter assassin tracks Oinkbane to his camp, and challenges him to a duel > They fight for hours, neither getting the upper hand > Finally the new assassin throws dust into Oinkbanes eyes and manages to stab him in the chest > "Looks like I've defeated the mighty Oinkbane." > The were pig smiles > "BUT I NOT OINKBANE, YOU ARE." > The assassin takes off his mask, it revealing Oinkbane > The Oinkbane face crumbles away, underneath is the assassin. > The assassin looks down, having just stabbed himself in the chest. > Steve looking on yells. > "That doesn't even make any sense!"
Anonymous: Hold on, that's just that comic making fun of Bleach.
>Oinkbain is hired to assassinate a wealthy noble >noble gets wind of this and triples his guard. >Kills everyone in the land who owns a giant mallet >Hires every assassin in the realm to kill Oinkbane >finally one of the assassins is victorious. >Noble meets with the assassin to discuss payment and get proof of the kill. >The assassin that killed Oinkbane is a wereboar >Wielding a huge mallet >The noble orders every one of his guards to open fire on the assassin >however ANOTHER assassin opens Oinkbanes throat before the guards can strike. >the noble is beside himself and thanks the tall elven assassin for his duty >opens his bag of holding to retrieve the money to pay the elf >SNEAK ATTAAAACK!!! >Crushes the nobles head >disappears into the bag of holding shouting MY TACTICS ARE TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU!!!!
>Oinkbane is hired to assassinate a noble >The noble triples the guard and makes his bodyguards stay in his sight at all times >One day, in his hallway there's a crate with a not on it "NOT OINKZBAIN" >The noble, knowing of Oinkbane's tactics, tells his guards that he will not be coming out of the crate >Oinkbane bursts out of a nearby statue >"TOO SUBTLE-" >He is quickly ridden with cross-bow bolts >The noble comes near the dead wereboar gloats "Ha! I knew this piece of bacon could never-" >"SNEAK ATTACK" >Oinkbane bursts out of his own corpse and smacks the noble to death with his hammer >Escapes through a nearby door while yelling "DOUBLE SUBTLE" or >Oinkbane is hired to assassinate a noble >The noble triples the guard and makes his bodyguards stay in his sight at all times >One day, in his hallway there's a crate with a not on it "NOT OINKZBAIN" >The noble, knowing of Oinkbane's tactics, tells his guards that he will not be coming out of the crate >Oinkbane bursts out of a nearby statue >He is quickly riddled with crossbow bolts >The noble gloats and kicks the corpse >The fake head falls off >It's actually the noble in an Oinkbane disguise >Oinkbane rips off his noble disguise and escapes cackling "TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU!"
> A wealthy crimelord hears Oinkbane has been hired to kill him > Knowing the were-assassin's fearsome reputation, he decides the only recourse is to flee, and keep fleeing. > He travels the lands. > He travels the seas. > He travels the skies. > Ten years later in a distant and foreign land, the crimelord has run out of wealth. > He decides to rob local tombs for easy money. > He breaks into an ancient mausoleum and strides through dusty, cobweb-filled halls. > At the far end of the tomb lies an old sarcophagus. > It explodes in a rain of stone as Oinkbane bursts out of his hiding place, hammer at the ready. > "TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU"
>Famous, battle-hardened knight finds out Oinkbane is after him >"plough that", he says, "I'm not letting that happen." >clears out chamber in his keep >has every nook and cranny secured. Every painting removed, every window closed. Every table removed, only one chair left, which he sits and sleeps on, waiting. >Doors guarded by his best men, in equally secured chambers >week passes, knight becomes weary >suddenly: "SNEAK ATTACK!" >knight draws sword and sees Oinkbane jumping at him with two drawn daggers from the Chandelier >Sidesteps, blocks daggers, two opponents look each other in the eyes. >"SUBTLE" >Oinkbane's hammer falls from the chandelier and kills the knight instantly.
Porkbane, Gentlepork, and Madam Rinds
Anonymous: What if Oinkbane had a brother? Would he be the exact opposite action-wise? Porkbane, maybe?
>Target heads into the office >Sits down and does some work >Looks to his water cooler and sees what looks to be a wereboar hiding in it. >Freaks out and has it dismantled >Nothing is in it >Goes back to desk >Looks up, wereboar is there >Porkbane "Uhh.... you need to file this." >Worker is disappointed by the mild inconvenience of extra work >Oinkbane smashes through cubicle, caving in target's head >"TOO SUBTLE FOR... OH FUCK ME, IT'S YOU >Porkbane tears up >"You don't have to mock me because I took a stable job!" >ASSASSING IS STABLE. I KILL LOTS OF PEOPLE IN STABLES
>Wealthy Merchant heads home >Sees bushes moving ominously >Freaks out, has his guards pepper it with crossbow bolts >Turns around >"Uh, hello? My name is Porkbane. I'm here from the Accountant's Guild, it appears you are behind on your taxes." >Merchant is disappointed. Porkbane has made his day mildly more inconvenient >Takes Porkbane to his vault >Freezes >On Vault Door is a sign with a picture saying "FREE CATGRL INCIDE" >Has guards open Vault >Steve is inside, looking lost >"Guards, arrest him!" >Guards advance >Suddenly, a pile of gold moves >"Guard's an intruder!" >Guards attack pile of gold >Oinkbane drops from ceiling >TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU >Skitters arrives, see everyone there, sees carnage. >Sighs, starts pocketing gold, her dreams of a perfect heist ruined. >Porkbane watches in silence. >"You know... I really should be stopping this but I don't much care anymore." >YOU CAN'T HURT MY APPRENTICES. I HAVE TWO APPRENTICES SO THAT THEY COMPETE AGAINST EACH OTHER. THEY ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER. ONE DAY THEY WILL BE AS SUBTLE >AS I AM. >"They don't look like the sort to try and kill each other." >YOU CAN'T SEE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT SUBTLE ENOUGH. THAT IS WHY MOTHER DIDN'T LOVE YOU >"What the hell are you talking about?! She barely acknowledged you existed! I was the one she paid for through college" >I KNOW. SHE WAS GREAT AT BEING SUBTLE.
Anonymous: I want a back story of Oinkbanes hammer! Refrek Spine Snapper: Oh ok... You mean the same story of when he was taught the ancient secret art of assassination known as Pork Chop. His mother taught it to him before she was made into bacon. She never taught Porkbane because she was busy faking loving him. She really loved Oinkbane, who she pretended not to love. She was a very subtle mother.
Gentlepork, I imagine, if he's the opposite of Oinkbane, should be constantly arrested due to undue suspicion. Yes, even when he's going to the grocer's. >Gentlepork goes to the greengrocer across a park >Slightly glance towards the park, see a couple and their daughter >Goes to ask for his grocery >On the way home gets arrested by town guard, someone reported him as being a child molester >All he did was glance at the kid across the street >IT IS GRAVE MISUNDERSTANDING! >Gentlepork goes to dinner with a friend >Friend suddenly chokes on something >Gentlepork knows Heimlich maneuver! >Concerned neighbor busts in on Gentlepork 'choking' his friend >IT IS MISUNDERSTANDINGS OFFICER
Anonymous: Gentlepork is Porkbane and Oinkbane's father... or so he believes. HE SHOULD NEVER HAVE MARRIED SO SUBTLE A WOMAN. Porkbane and Oinkbane's mother.... commonly know as Madam Rinds. Sadly, Madam Rinds passed away recently, at far too young an age. The Assassin's Guild that offed her, as a sick revenge, turned her into bacon. Everyone who ate that bacon died. It was her last subtlety. It took fifteen assassins and a orbital launch platform to take her out... she was that subtle.
Indonesian Gentleman: Now I get the 'Meet the Sniper' reel, but instead of Sniper it's Oinkbane, and the ones on the phone are Gentlepork and Madam Rinds. "Dad? Dad I- … y- …'m Not a crazed hammerman, Dad, I'm an assassin! Well, the difference being one's a job, and the other's mental sickness! IT'S TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU! Look dad can you just put mom on the phone?!"
Steve & Skitters
Refrek Spine Snapper: Oinkbane is the greatest assassin on the continent. No one is out of his reach, no one is beyond his tactics.
Guys... I think he needs a sidekick.
A were rat named Skitters who is a cowardly thief? also she isn't a human turned rat, rather a rat turned human?
Or a normal human named Steve who is suspiciously out of place for no matter what setting he is in? Steve, who never fits to the setting yet looks like the most casual and average man there is. In high fantasy he is dressed in jeans and a button down. In sci-fi he is dressed in jeans and a button down. In swashbuckling adventure he is dressed in a jeans and a button down. In a horrible dystopian future he wears his old assassins robes. In current day setting.... wears nothing but a smile
Part 1: “Welcome to our guild acolyte. Your skills in stealth will be of great use here.” The assassin master Agropos said while waving the acolyte into the sanctum. The young recruit gulped as he slowly walked inside. “There is no need to fear. Your death now would be nothing more than a cruel joke. And our gods have no sense of humor.” Another master chortles after hearing that, “You lie fool. Do not forget about the chosen of the Western Sanctum.” “WE DO NOT SPEAK OF THAT THING!” Agropos screamed. “Ignore him! He speaks of CRAZY THINGS!” Agropos mimed waving his hands over his hooded head wildly. “ALL THE TIME! There. Is. Nothing. To. Worry. About!” “Uh…yes master. Of course,” the acolyte replied. Agropos composed himself and turned. Motioning with his hand he guided the young man deeper inside. As they left the entrance the other master started making soft ‘oinking’ noises. The acolyte was anointed without much to do. Three masters informed him of the true skills of the assassin: Stealth, Dedication, Subltely. At that last one the master that oinked laughed a bit earning a glare from Agropos. “To prove yourself acolyte, you must slay this woman.” Agropos revealed a drawing of exquisite detail. “Slay her and claim the green gem from her pendant and you will be one of us.” “Thank you, master. I will not fail you.”
Part 2: He stood on the roof of the opposite building just beyond his target’s compound. The massive stone wall built as if protecting a king or noble instead of a mere paranoid merchant. With a skillful shot from his crossbow he made a zipline over the wall, beyond the view of the guards. Crossing to the main building’s roof he prepared to infiltrate when a whistle made him freeze. “INTRUDER! INTRUDER!” a guard’s voice rang out. Whirling the acolyte tried desperately to see how they could have seen him. Did he fly over too low? “MARK YOURSELF!” “Wait,” he thought, “That’s coming from the courtyard.” Leaning over the edge to see he watched as over a dozen guards surrounded a young girl with a basket of bread. “What is she? A vampire?” “WHO SENT YOU CHILD!” The girl, obviously frightened shook violently. The shudders increased and she fell to her knees crying, dropping her basket and sending the bread roll tumbling out, as the woman he had been sent to kill and a man who may have been her husband stormed out. “You fools! She still lives! He’s coming! The note!” “But sir…she’s only a girl. And the basket-" "SHE HAS A BASKET! CHECK IT!” the man screeched. The guards immediately began hacking the bread and its wicker container to pieces. “Damn,” the acolyte grunted. “With them on guard like this I’ll never-” And then a sound could be heard“ssssSS". “By the dark?” he asked as the sound grew louder. “NNNNNNNNNNNNNEAAAAAAAAAK!” A brown blur flew from the sky. It had the rough shape of a man but was built and bulky in unnatural ways. The form slammed like the fist of a god into the man, squashing him into a smear across the ground. “ATTACK!”
Part 3: “Is…is that a wereboar?” the acolyte asked? ”The woman, now coated in her husband’s slime, screamed. The guards immediately attacked swinging their weapons in wide safe arcs. The creature snorted and stood, ignoring a gash across its chest. It tumbled backward and the guards proceeded to stab and eviscerate its corpse. “HOLD! It’s dead.” “Wait…sir…it’s…” one of the guards crouched down and sifted through the remains. He lifted a piece and held it up to the captain. “Bread?” “TOO SUBTLE FOR YOUUUUUUUUU!” the voice of the wereboar echoed through the courtyard as its mallet crushed the skull of the woman and the guard captain next to her in one swift blow. The acolyte gaped at the scene, his face growing paler and paler as the carnage went on. Slowly creeping away from the edge he scaled down, snuck around to the woman’s corpse and snatched the necklace, which in the melee had been crushed into her now mostly liquid torso. Upon his return the masters clapped in honor of him. “Wait. I must confess. It was not I who killed the target. A…A creature interrupted the assignment.” Agropos straightened, “What…kind of creature?” “A wereboar.” Agropos slapped his forehead and growled deeply. “Damnable Oinkbane.” Upon the speaking of the creature’s name the door to the weapon room slammed open revealing none other than the beast itself.
Part 4: “How did he-” “DON’T ASK!” Agropos yelled. “Oinkbane…what do we owe the pleasure?” “Muh mallet wuz derti,” he replied as he wiped it with a robe strangely reminiscint of Agropos’. “I needs a servant.” “Why?” Oinkbane stared blankly at him. “Fine…here! Take this one, he’s a failure anyway.” “WHAT! BUT!” Oinkbane stalked forward and forced a large and fetid bag into his hands, “Wuz yer name?” “Steve…” “Meets me here in five dayz. Don’t be late.” He slapped a piece of paper into Steve’s hands and went back into the weapon room, slamming the door hard enough to break it in half. “What…but. Master Agropos…” “Get out.” “But…but…” Steve’s shoulder’s sank as he was forced out of the sanctum into the sewers. He stared at the paper and sighed. “He…he doesn’t know how to spell very well.”
And so began Steve's apprenticeship under Oinkbane.
>Oinkbane and Steve are traveling between jobs by cart > Oinkbane sits on top with the luggage slowly polishing his mallet > "Hey Oinkbane?" > "Wut?" > Oinkbane continues to polish his hammer > "Why do you know... use a hammer for assassination?" > Oinkbane seems to consider this for a moment. > "Becuz is killz more." > Steve stares ahead over the backs of the two pigs pulling their cart. > "But shouldn't it be... I don't know... more stealthy, like a dagger?" > Oinkbane stares at steve. > "Steve." > "Yes?" > "Wut iz an assassin's job?" > Steve stares forward, feeling the piggy gaze, powerful enough to curl bacon, on his back. > "Kill people?" > "Ya, and wut kill more? Tiny pointy? Or big smashy?" > "Yes, but shouldn't you be ste--" > "WUT KILL MORE?" > Steve sighs. > "Big smashy..." > The were boar sits back satisfied. > "TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU!!"
Oinkbane multiclasses as a mage: > Steve and Oinkbane have made camp for the night > "Oinkbane, what are you doing?" > The were boar is standing next to the fire waving his arms about. > "Magic, now shut yer trap. Yous gonna break my consertrashion." > "Oinkbane, you know doing magic is a bit harder than th--" > Oinkbane strikes another pose, pushing his hands forward in interrupt them. > "Them damn wizards always manage ter do et." > Oinkbane continues to waves his hands about. > "Oinkbane, you need training to do magic." > "Naw, it's all in da robes and sum such." > Steve looks down, sees Oinkbane is in the dress of some princess they assassinated earlier that week. > "I really don--" > Oinkbane shouts to interrupt him. > "I know, it'z da magic words!" > Steve shakes his head and goes back to sleep. > Four hours later the two of them are leaving the forest at top speed, most of it burnt down. > Oinkbane stands on the back, a beaver strapped to his jaw > "IT WUZ DA BEARD, NOT DA DRESS!!" > "TOOOOOoooooo---" > His cry disappears into the night as he throws fireballs into the surrounding woods.
Oinkbane decides to multiclass as a bard: > Steve stumbles out of his tent, hands clamped over his ears > "Oh god, Oinkbane! I said no assassinating before sun up!" > Finds the were boar sitting on a rock with a strange sack with tubes. > "Oinkbane!" > He continues the play > "OINKBANE!!!" > The pig man stops. > "Wut, why you yellin'?" > "What are you doing?" > The were boar shows the sack, it looks like a fleshy bladder. > "I wuz juss thinkin', ya know how den pretty bois in the bars always do dat singin'." > "...yes?" > "Well, they're always sayin' they're gonna stab dem lady's with their sword dat night..." > Oh god no, thought Steve. > "If dem pretty bois can do it with just dat stupid lute then me and me pipes should be able to get me assassinations done twice as fast if I can just play." > Steve stared from the pipes to wereboar > "I mean day don't look like assassins, so if a proper one does the stabbin'." > Steve turned around, and walked back towards camp. > Maybe some things were just TOO SUBTLE. The origin of Skitters: Oinkbane was hired to assassinate a particularly paranoid illusionist who pretended to be an ordinary noble. They spent days playing a complex game of hide-and-seek through the illusionists house, each disguising themselves as different things. Oinkbane was almost beaten. Enter Skitters, she was just an ordinary street kid robbing what she thought was an ordinary nobles house. She distracts the illusionist at the crucial moment, allowing Oinkbane to kill him. Oinkbane thinks she tracked him down in order to ask him to train her as an assassin - tells her he's pretty impressed by her attempt. "I'm sure you would have got him yourself if I wasn't faster - you iz prety subtle" Despite her frequent attempts to escape her 'apprenticeship' he always tracker her down and brings her back. He views her escape attempts as enthusiastic attempts to strike out at her own targets and/or trips into town for groceries, scouting out the landscape etc. Oinkbane knows she looks like a ratgirl but thinks she is a catgirl who is disguising herself. Every so often she will attempt to kill him to get away. She sneaks into his tent and stabs into his blankets. It's a sack of belongings... her belongs..."You iz not subtle enuff yet to beat da master" Oinkbane bursts through the side of the tent and tosses her into one of the disguise crates and seals her inside.
>Man acquires precious jewel >Places precious jewel in vault. >Places guards in front of vault >Gets letter >Opens it up >Picture of jewel... taken from inside vault >Rushes to vault >On vault is sign "FREE CATGRL INCIDE" >Has guards open vault >Inside is a suddenly dismayed girl with rat-ears and tail >Guards and man rush in to apprehend her. >Vault door slams shut >From out of the floor of the vault bursts Oinkbane >TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU >Ratgirl sobs > "Why do you keep ruining my heists?" >YOU ARE A GOOD ASSASSIN ASSASSTANT, CATGIRL, SKITTERS >"I'm a Ratgirl! And I'm not your assistant!" >STEVE IS MAKING HOTDOGS BACK AT CAMP CATGIRL >"I don't like hotdogs!" >I WOULD BE CAREFUL THOUGH. STEVE SAYS HE HAS A CRUSH ON YOU. HE WILL PROBABLY TRY TO DROP A ROCK ON YOU. GOOD THING HE IS NOT TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU.
>Man walks down road >Stops by door >Reads sign on door >FREE CATGRL INCIDE >A fairly bawdy picture of a catgirl is drawn as well >Man can't argue with a free catgirl >Goes into room >Sees Skitters the Ratgirl cleaning out the house of valuables >She turns and freezes in horror >Man sees a piles of sacks moving ominously >Opens door to leave >Oinkbane is there >TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU >Skitters sighs as brainmatter hits her. >GOOD WORK CATGIRL SKITTERS >"Please... please, can't you just let me do my work?" >NO. NO SKITTERS. YOU ARE NOT READY TO BE A TRUE ASSASSIN YET. YOU MUST BE MORE SUBTLE. >"... just shoot me now." >CAREFUL. STEVE WAS ASKING ME IF HE THOUGHT HE HAD A SHOT WITH YOU. I SEARCHED HIS TENT BUT COULD NOT FIND A GUN OR BOW. HE MAY BE BECOMING MORE SUBTLE.
Anonymous: I can imagine, every day, Skitters has to get out of her tent and tear down another FREE CATGRL INCIDE sign.
> Steve and Skitters are sitting next to each other by the fire > Oinkbane hasn't been around all day > "So ummm... Hows... being a rat girl?" > "..." > Suddenly Steve sees Oinkbane beckoning to him from the bushes > "Excuse me one second." > He walks over to where Oinkbane is sticking his head out. > "I TRY TO GIVE YOU TWO ALONE TIME." > "Oinkbane, keep it down!" whispers steve furiously. > "I KNOW, BUT I THINK THIS TIME LITTLE POINTY BETTER." > "What?" > "I KNOW YOU HAVE LITTLE POINTY, YOU CAN'T SUDDENLY HAVE BIG SMASHY. USE YOUR LITTLE POINTY ON HER." > Steve starred at him, confused. > "Oinkbane... are you talking about m--" Oinkbane cut him off. > "IT NOT LIKE I CAN LET YOU USE MY BIG SMASHY." > "Oinkbane! What are you talking about?!" > The were boar looks up confused. > "FOR ASSASSINATION.... I HEAR YOU SAY YOU HAVE CRUSH AND WANT STAB HER WITH SWORD LIKE PRETTY BOYS." > Blushing Steve walks back to sit next to Skitters... at least he wouldn't use a SNEAK ATTACK on her.
>Steve and Skitters wake up in camp, no sign of Oinkbane >This is not unusual, he often practices his stealth skills but usually turns up for breakfast >Cook breakfast, no sign of Oinkbane >"oh well" says Steve "we know which town the next mark is in, lets pack up camp and get going" >Find note >"I wuz hiREd to KiLl Highweyma- Highwaim- Bandit. If youz can find him before mees, Skitters den you getz an afternoon off" >Skitters "I'm not your goddam apprentice!" >Steve pats her on the shoulder "let's just get going" >On road >Suddenly gang of thieves led by gentleman highwayman on a horse >"Your money or your life, or perhaps you can think of something else to pay us with" he says this last bit with a leer at Skitters >"Look, it's not worth it-" says Steve >The highwaymans horse isn't a horse >"Sneak attack!" yells Oinkbane as he kills the highwaysman and the bandits >"No afternoon off for you Skitters" he booms >"Not subtle enough yet"
>Middle of the night, Skitters awakens Steve >"I'm escaping from this psychopath. You in?" >"You're... you're leaving?" >"Of course I am! What, do you like it here?" >"Well... not... not really... but who would make him hotdogs then?" >"Fuck that! Come on!" >Leave Camp >Go to town >Hire wagon >Head to port >Get on ship >Sail to Capital >Get on Airship >Fly to city >"Thank the Gods... I think we're far away enough now." >"You know... I can't help but wonder if he's doing alright." >"Screw that, I hope the Bagman took him." >"That's hardly fair." >"He's not fair." >"So how are we going to pay for this trip?" >Later that night >Skitters is rifling through the room of a nobleman on the airship >Door opens, nobleman comes in >"Why hello there. You must be the... aheh... complimentary catgirl." >I'm a ratgir.... oh... oh no... oh gods no..." >Steve enters the room >"Steve we need to get...!" >Steve enters the room >"What the hell? I didn't hear anything about complimentary average twins along with the catgirl." >TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU! Oinkbane yells as he caves in the nobleman's skull. GOOD WORK APPRENTICES! YOU ALMOST FOUND HIM BEFORE ME THIS TIME! YOU ARE ALMOST SUBTLE!!!
>Steve at campfire with Skitters >Edges closer >"You know Skitters..." >"Mmm?" >"I mean.... this whole... well, this whole deal is really usually pretty awful... but... well, uh... what I'm trying to say... um, geez, I've spent months thinking about this, sorry... uh, well... the one good part about this is getting to spent time with you. What I'm trying to say, Skitters is... well, I like you. I really like you. You're really attractive, and cute, and smart... and it's nice to have someone sane to talk to... and I... uh... well yeah. Skitters... I love you. So... Skitters.... oh... oh god no..." >Oinkbane takes off his Skitters disguise >GOOD TRY BUT ALMOST TOO SUBTLE. NO NEED TO KEEP TALKING MADE UP WORDS. NOT THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF SUBTLE. >Oinkbane leaves. >Steve sits there, crushed >Skitters arrives >"What's up?" >"N.... nothing." >"Cool. Heads up, he's in one of his 'testing'" moods." >"Yeah. I know. I know."
Anonymous: Steve the eternally cockblocked. Anonymous: Steve will eventually get there. Oinkbane is master of subtle in many ways, including dating advice. Like a good master he teaches Steve the art of subtle. Anonymous: See, Oinkbane knows what Steve is trying to do, but is subtlety stopping him until he can do it without making himself look like an idiot.
> Oinkbane hasn't been seen around camp all day > Steve checks his bedroll, the disguise crates, the conveniently places potato sacks... everywhere > "Ok, no Oinkbane..." > In his sweating hands he clutches a love letter to Skitters... maybe if he wrote it doesn't Oinkbane couldn't mess him up. > Skitters is sitting next to the fire making soup. > No stumbling over himself this time, he needed to be assertive. > "Skitters I have something for you!" > Thrusts the note towards her. > She takes it > Looks at the folded piece of paper for a moment > Rips it up > You can actually hear the tiny sounds of his heart breaking > "I Know it's you Oinkbane, stop giving me these assassination contracts. For the last time I'm not your apprentice." > Steve is crushed > Oinkbane shortly returns, with another contract that Skitters rips up > Well... there's always another day...
Anonymous: Of course the audience will never see Steve and Skitters get together, that'd be breaking the status-quo. We all know EVENTUALLY they'll get together though. (Even Oinkbane knows, he's good at picking up subtle things). Anonymous: Poor Steve... we feel for you...
When Oinkbane first smoked weed:
>Steve goes to the tavern for a drink >Chats up beautifull elf girl >Her dad is filthy rich >She finds Steve funny and attractive >"I always wanted to try this with a human boy" >Giggling, she invites him to follow her upstairs >She falls on the bed, and motions her finger for Steve >In the middle of taking his pants off, it strucks him >"Oinkbane, is that you?" >"I can be anyone for you. Just stab me with you mighty weapon, warrior" >Steve starts screaming "THIS IS NOT FUNNY, OINKBANE", and slaps her >Shocked and in tears elf girl runs away >Steve stands for a few seconds, all red and breathing heavily >Suddenly bed bursts, revealing oinkbane >Oh shit, if you are here.. what have I done? >Steve runs back to apologise >Girl is sitting in the corner, sobbing >He taps her on the shoulder >Skitters screams from behind "NO STEVE, HE DRUGGED ME UP, AND DRESSED IN THIS COSTUME, I JUST WOKE UP" >Elf girl springs into the air, slaps Steve in the face with a raw fish, and runs away giggling and screaming "TOOO SUUUBTLEEEE"
>Oinkbane gets a contact for a famous womanizing duelist. >Allows Steve and Skitters to try it on their own, but they have a limited timetable. >Duelist sees Steve and Skitters have a lovers spat. >Seduces her, and then right before the door to his house; >Oinkbane opens the door and swings his hammer "TO SUBTLE FOR-" >The duelist stabs Oinkbane through the stomach. >"YOU!" Oinkbane rips off his Skitters outfit and smashes the duelist with his hammer. >"VERY SUBTLE!" Skitters emerges from her Steve outfit and Steve from his Oinkbane suit.
Anonymous:I have this image of a scene where Skitters and Steve hanging out, Oinkbane on assignment. "You know, my name isn't REALLY Skitters. He just calls me that." "What? Oh, sorry. What should I call you?" "I'll give you a hint. It starts with O." "Oh! Is it... Wait. No. NO." "Yes. I'm OINKBANE. Ha, just fucking with ya. Nah, it's actually Sarah." "...Oh. Jesus, that wasn't funny." "What, the joke too subtle for ya?" Anonymous: I like to imagine that the Tales of Oinkbane are the memoirs of Skitters and Steve after their masters death. He tried to out-subtle a dragon and failed. Steve and Skitters become master assassins who carry on the subtle legacy of their master and do eventually hook up.
>The assassin stalks down the hallway >Dozens of lesser assassins died before they even made it in the door of the Castle of Martu'z >The assassin has been doing this for many years after a grueling apprenticeship filled with hard work, frustration and disappointment >The assassins skills were honed for years >The assassin opens the door slowly and silently >The Archwizard Martu'z is asleep in his chair >The assassin creeps up and draws a blade >The Archwizard stands up and turns around >"WELL DONE SKITTERS ALMOST DIDN'T HEAR YOU COMING. IT HAS BEEN MANY YEARS" > "Oinkbane?! I thought you were dead." > "NO, I AM SURE I NOT DEAD. I HAVE HEART BEAT AND EVERYTHING. HOW ARE YOU AND STEVE DOING?" > Skitters looks around the room, the old disguise crates and what not lay around. > "Fine, but how did yo--" > "GOOD, MAYBE HE BECOME SUBTLE ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY SAY FEELING. I SEE YOU HAVE RING... VERY SUBTLE... I HOPE HE MORE SMASHY THAT POINTY..." > "Wait, what Oinkbane? What do yo--" > "DO YOU HAVE MANY KID?" > "Oinkbane?!" > "AH, I SEE... VERY SUBTLE... JUST LIKE MADAM RINDS, NEVER LET KNOW HOW MANY THERE ARE. HELP IF ANYONE EVERY COME TO SNEAK ATTACK." > "Oinkbane!!" > "YES?" > "What are you doing here?" > Oinkbane slowly takes out a beaver and pressed it against his chin. > "I THOUGHT IT OBVIOUS... I AM BEING FANCY SKY MAN after I killed da last one." >Flashback too when oinkbane was "Killed" by the dragon. > "OINKBANE NOT GOOD AT GOODBYES..." > Wipes a single tear from his porky cheek > "THEY NOT SUBTLE..." > Oinkbane turns away from the cliff, overlooking the dragon body and the fake Oinkbane. > Skitters and Steve stand over the body, Skitters crying, Steve trying to hide his tears. > Steve kneels down and hugs Skitters. > The sun slowly rises over the mountain crag. > SNEAK....GOODBYE....
Anonymous: Manliest tears all around. Anonymous: So, Oinkbane faked his death because it was easier for him than trying to find the way to say a proper goodbye to his apprentices? Anonymous: He did find the proper way to say goodbye... The subtle way. Anonymous: C'mon, We all knew Oinkbane wasn't dead. The dragon's name was 'Snee k'tak' And the guy who hired him was called 'El Tu Sut'
Anonymous: what if hey guys what if guys guys what if what if you hired Oinkbane to kill Oinkbane? Anonymous: After a battle of epic proportions that makes the illusionist look like a peice of cake, one oinkbane dies. The universe then Implodes Subtly