Pathetic Marines

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Pathetic Marines
Fuckpaint.jpg
Battle Cry "None more pathetic!" and "Your best is still our worst!"
Founding M31 during the Horus Heresy
Successors of Multiple Loyalist Chapters
Successor Chapters Hopefully none.
Chapter Master Heavy Bolter Guy, Atticuss Sackituss
Homeworld "The Bastion of Weakness" Space Hulk
Strength Around 1000 Marines
Specialty Jack of All Trades,Being Pathetic
Allegiance Imperium
Colours None


MY SONS AND WARRIORS, I CALL NOW TO THE LOWEST AND WEAKEST AMONG YOU, THAT YOU MIGHT KNOW THE TASK SET BEFORE YOU. YOU ARE THE WEAKEST AND TRULY THE MOST PATHETIC OF ALL WHO BEAR THE GENE-SEED OF YOUR FATHERS, THE ONES WOULD DIE WITHOUT GLORY OR NAMES. WERE IT NOT THAT I HAD NEED OF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR PATHETIC SOULS, YOU WOULD HAVE ALL OF YOU DIED ALONE AND UNREMEMBERED. BUT THAT FATE IS ONE YOU WILL NO LONGER FULFILL. YOU WILL ALL RETREAT TO YOUR CHAPTER ARMORY AND TAKE UP THE FIRST PIECE OF WARGEAR THAT FALLS BEFORE YOUR GAZE. BE IT A WEAPON OF TRUE GLORY OR A SIMPLE BOX OF AMMUNITION, BE IT PERFECTION WROUGHT BY HUMAN HANDS OR AN ABOMINATION OF XENOS DESIGN. YOU WILL TAKE WHAT YOU FIND ,AND ONE SHIP OF YOUR CHOOSING, AND MEET WITH YOUR NEWFOUND BROTHERS AT THE EYE OF TERROR. NOW GO MY SONS, MY ONES MOST PATHETIC, AND LET YOUR ENEMIES KNOW THAT EVEN WARRIORS AS PATHETIC AS YOU WILL KNOW NO FEAR.- The God Emperor of Mankind upon creating the Chapter.


"GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU CRAZY INNOCENT BURNING WITCH!"- Last conversation between Chapter Master Atticuss Sackituss and Lord High Inquisitor Marietta Von Brundervane of the Ordo Hereticus, just before initiating a Warp Jump.


The Pathetic Marines are a chapter of Space Marines born from one of the multiple threads that populate /tg/, on 4chan. The chapter is composed of the most pathetic marines from each of the Loyalist Chapters of the Horus Heresy,assembled together to be sent on a crusade against the Arch-Traitor himself. Their failure was obvious. They did not only fail to kill Horus, but even failed to reach him in the first place, crushing together every ship in their fleet as soon as they exited the Warp, creating the poor excuse they call their Fortress Monastery. For some years after the merging of their fleet, all the marines wandered trough the huge structure, mapping it and finding that every ship had no real Warp induced change. A lot of time was spent then trying to establish a chain of command. After what seemed a few years in the Pathetic Marines' point of view their Fortress emerged from the Eye of Terror, revealing that actually they have been considered dead for ten thousand years.


Overview[edit]

While they see themselves as awfully pathetic, the Pathetic Marines can be considered very well equipped by the 41st Millennium's standards. Every marine has his gene seed coming directly from their own Primarch, have participated in the Great Crusade and is equipped with weaponry that today is considered to be an awesome and awe-inspiring relic. The chapter's modus operandi is not defined at all, as it's an ever-changing mixture of the various combat doctrines that each marine learnt in his original chapter. While all this diversity may be challenging for the commanders to deal with, it works surprisingly well, often pulling out of each marine the best aspects of his combat doctrine and creating a mixture of tactics and strategies so complex and idiotically convoluted that even Tzeentch couldn't foresee it. Still, compared to the combat effectiveness of other chapters, they are very weak and lack the aura of strength that every Astartes worth of his name should show. Their battle cries reflect this dual reality perfectly. The two chapter's cries are usually used in tandem, as the first 'None more pathetic!' is shouted to notify to both friends and foes that the Pathetic Marines are far from being the Emperor's finest, but 'Your best is still our worst!' serves to remind the enemies of the Imperium that despite being Space Marines full of flaws, they are Space Marines nonetheless, and will still fight to the death (or almost) in every and any battlefield.

Relations[edit]

No wonder they are friendly with radical inquisitors.
The relations that the Pathetic Marines have with the Imperium are ones of love-hate.

In the Inquisition's archives there are multiple recorded arguments between Chapter Master Atticuss and many puritan inquisitors, while many a radical inquisitor are considered friends of the chapter.

"Very often happens that a puritan inquisitor decides that he has to hunt and kill a certain radical inquisitor. Not very often happens that someone puts themselves between two such opponents. Even less often those someone are Space Marines. I must thank those Pathetic Marines for still being alive today. They had awesome xeno tech, and were in fact looking for me to help them activate an Eldar Webway Portal. When I found that they had multiple artefacts of such caliber I asked for a couple, in exchange they asked my Jokearo. I gladly gave him to them, indeed, but now I'm wondering for what purpouse!"

-Radical Inquisitor Emil Von Ansanger, when conversing with one of his accolytes.

The Adeptus Mechanicus is like an exasperation of the relation they have with the Inquisition. Multiple times squads of Skitarii have been sent to destroy what is considered tech-heresy and kill every marine involved with such objects, while many other times they have come crawling on their knees , praying to be permitted to enter some areas of the Bastion of Weakness, where multiple STCs were thought to be.

Another thing that doesn't sit well with the Ecclesiarchy is the fact that a jokearo is the strongest religious figure in the chapter.

The relations with the Ecclesiarchy are complex too, as the priests try to push onto the marines beliefes about the Emperor that are not their own, as the see him as their All-loving, Ever-living, Always-protecting father and not as a silly Deity of some sorts. While they argue with the priests, they end up sometimes even fighting uber-fanatical Sororitas teams. It doesn't end well for the Sisters usually, as many among the Pathetic Marines, are incurable womanizers. The Imperial Navy is aroused but not amused by the Pathetic Marines, as they think of the Bastion of Weakness as a horrendously idiotic thing, and appear disgusted at the mere thought that someone may call it a "starship".

Usually the Imperial Guard regiments and PDFs that have the Pathetic Marines as allies are delighted by their presence. It may be for the fact that many borderline-heretic shenanignas are pulled off by said marines.

Additionally, many of the Pathetic Marines hold major dislike for their fellow Space Marine Legions, distrusting members of the "Bloody Magpies"-"Maroon Kiwis"-"Red Chickens", or Blood Ravens to the rest of the Galaxy, on accusations of theft. Due to their general infatuation with modified Xenos technology, the Black Templars refuse any and all friendly communication with the Pathetic Marines, believing them to be little better- if not worse- than the heretics the Templars seek to purge. Ultramarines also share a less than ideal relationship with the Pathetic Marines, spontaneously bursting into tears and saying quote "The Codex Astartes does not support this action" and "Muh Codex" on multiple occasions. On a more friendly note, the Salamanders applaude the welcoming nature of the Pathetic Marines, though this is likely just the inability of the Watch to secure a perimeter around any camp they make. Space Wolves too enjoy the company of Pathetic Marines, claiming they "Act stupider than a Wulfen drunk on Fenrisian Ale".

Ranks[edit]

Chapter Master: Heavy Bolter Guy, Saint Atticuss Sackituss

Chapter Master Honor Guard: Scoped Flamethrower Marine, Tesla Choppa Astartes, Patheticnought Neutron Blaster

Chapter Champion: One of the marines drafted from the Honor Company. Upon death by explosion, another marine will be drafted.

Honor company: all those with Melta Bombs and the gets Hot trait.

Master of Sanctity: Jokaero the jokaero, former adjutant of an inquisitor aided by the chapter, is actually more religious than the inquisitor himself

Psykers: Librarian Flamer, Zoant Hrope

Master of the Relics and Chief Techmarine: Erasmus

I Company, Throwers: one-time-use weapons company, fast attack veterans

Captain: That Captain whose powerfist won't fit

Honor Guard: Sargent Redshirt with a stick, Brother Bone

II Company, Soulreavers:

Captain:

III Company, Fleshbanes:

Captain: Doomaius ‘’Fleshbane’’ Gaius

Captain’s Honor Guard: Genestealer Claw Marine, Plasma Cannon Marine

IV Company, Blunthammers: all weapons are blunted

Captain:Blunted Lascannon Marine

Sergeants: Ies Sost blind scout

Captain's Honor Guard: Blunt Flamer Marine

V Company, the Bullseyes: Sniper Company

Captain: Shotgun Sniper Marine, now in a patheticnought frame

Captain's Honor guard: Lead-Throwa, Monster Hunter Sniper Rifle Guy

VI Company, Do It Yourselfers: (mostly) techmarine company, have only unrefined equipment

Captain: Timmius Allenus

VII Company, Utensils: Support Company

Captain:Utilitus ‘’Iron Halo’’ Maximus

Captain's Honor Guard: Marine Who Somehow Came Into Possession of a Webway Gate,

VIII Company, The Grinders: Devastator Company

Captain: Necron Staff of Light brother No.1

Captain's Honor Guard: Pyrus, Anti-Tank Bolt Pistol Marine, Heavy Rail Rifle Tauminator,

IX Company: Extermination Company, bringing the BRUTALITY in brute force

Captain: Davik Orellini

Captain's Honor Guard: Marine Wielding a Poisoned Power Fist,

Sergeants: Kallis the Wielder of the Tesla Grav-Pistol,

X Company, Blindwing: scout company, every non-scout space marine is blind by deterioration of ocular bulbs, thanks to the damn Warp.

Captain: Not-Blind-Anymore Thunderhammer Terminator Blindus Martellus Ismael Messenius Aureus Donum Solis

Captain’s Honor Guard: Blind Gauss Missile Launcher Guy

Company's Chaplain: Notan Ecron

Sergeants: Sgt. Of the Watch, Phaereal the Blind, Blind Torrent Necron Tesla Carbine, Carlos Saganius Memeius


This section is still subject to change

Tales of the Chapter[edit]

How the chapter was born

None know when the call came, only that it did. It was said that across the galaxy, for the Damocles Gulf to the Eye of Terror, that the Emperors Angles of Death beheld a vision of their long dead lord. That the Emperor would speak to His greatest warriors on such a scale was unheard of, and one would think that His stagnated Imperium would weep with joy. This was not the case, for those He spoke to were not believed until it was far to late for them to explain. For while the Emperor spoke to each Chapter of His Space Marines, only one amongst each of them was so blessed. And He did not speak to the greatest of them, nor to the wisest. Not the strongest, or the most cunning. Not the fastest or the bravest. No, the Emperor of All Mankind, in all of His benevolence and boundless wisdom, spoke to the lowliest and least memorable of His Marines, the one most pathetic of each Chapter. It will never be known what the Emperor said His most Pathetic Sons, but from their battle cries and snatched bits of Vox communications, we can devise the Knowledge that was bestowed upon them. He rallied their pathetic hearts with a most wondrous speech and gave their poor souls a purpouse. And so the Emperor Least favored sons set about their task. Across the Imperium, the One Most Pathetic of his Chapter set about the great quest set before them. Each of them left all that they had, save for their armor and their faith, and found what the Emperor had given them. True to their name, the Ones Most Pathetic found a maddening and in many cases bewildering artifact to take with them one their new Crusade. Some found simple weapons, a heavy bolter, a flamer, or even a simple auspex. Others found items stranger still, Xenos weapons like choppas and Tesla Carbines, and artifacts of unknowable potential to the lowly brothers who took the up. You may wonder, "How could ever Space Marines so pathetic take up these sacred treasures and Xeno creations?" And that is something we may ask until the end of time itself. Those who claim to have witnessed the Taking of the Gift, as the event was later know, say that each Marine merely walked straight into their Chapters armory from wherever they happened to be. Danger seemed to avoid them, security systems from the Dark Age of Technology granted them passage without issue. Soon, each of the Ones Most Pathetic had taken his Gift, and each made his own way to the Eye, each knowing in his hearts and soul where to go.

This is the most accurate answer to expect from a Pathetic Marine.

And the soon christened Pathetic Marines found their ways to the Eye, each bringing a ship no less mismatched from the others than their weaponry. Each Pathetic Marine knew the exact point in space from which to begin their crusade, and each headed to it heedless of his new brothers around him. And, in what call only be described as a true miracle of the Emperor, all survived the ensuing calamity. Each and every ship collided with it's brothers at the same moment, and not one destroyed itself. No, for those ships became the new and forever home of the Pathetic Marines, the Space Hulk BASTION OF WEAKNESS. After the devastating birth of the knew Hulk, the Pathetic Marines came together, shorn of their old colors and loyalties, to proclaim their newfound purpose. Replacing their individual Chapter marks and colors, the Ones Most Pathetic took up their own banner (colors and heraldry undecided as of now). Each Marine also forsook the name given to him, whether from Chapter or birth. Every Pathetic Marine took up the name of his Gift, and the took their crusade into the heart of Chaos itself. And there are those of you who would wonder, "But why would such cruel words from the Master of Mankind spawn such fervor, such unyielding devotion in those He favored least? Surely such scorn would drive His most loyal servants into the deepest despair?" And to you who doubt the Emperor, and who doubt His Least favored, I say this: you did not hear His voice, you did not here how He spoke those word you call scornful. You did not hear His pride, His paternal affection that gave us our faith. You did not hear His benevolent patients in His weakest sons, or His sorrow in what He had asked of us. For we may be His Least Favored, but know that we are His Most Worthy."

-Heavy Bolter Guy, Most Pathetic of Them All, Most Worthy of Them All, Atticuss Sackituss, Chapter Master of the Pathetic Marines.



The Rage of the III Company[edit]

The 3rd Company of the Pathetic Marines is probably one of the least pathetic among the ten. They are called “The Fleshbanes”, after their captain, Doomaius “Fleshbane” Gaius, and all of them present an unnatural aggressiveness towards what is daemonic and/or huge. No official statement has been made by the Chapter Master about the theory that will be written here.

Recently updated records say that the Pathetic Crusade ended even before it had begun, as 98,6745631991357% of the ships collided upon exiting the warp, creating the Bastion of Weakness. ‘’Rarely is noted the fact that this event happened within the Eye of Terror.’’ When they returned they found themselves out of place and in a completely different time; truly a pathetic situation. In fact while in Real-Space passed ten thousand years, for them it looked like only a couple had passed since their departure.

Even they believed that they were away for a few years, they were still a few years in the realm where Chaos ruled supreme. The choices were two for many: slack off or go killing daemons. Those who chose the second option today compose the III Company. Was it was the blood? The Warp influence? Or simply a fate’s joke? Nobody knows, but the Fleshbanes, and their captain in primis, took a hate for any Warp-Spawn being. While the Pathetic Marines keep bragging about their patheticness, many of them are actually brutally efficient warriors, and the marines of the 3rd company are a shining example: in multiple sectors people tell legends about the Emperor’s Angels who descended from the skies directly upon their foes and began attacking wildly while screaming “RIP AND TEAR! RIP AND TEAR UNTIL IT’S DONE!” while felling even the biggest of the giants with furious salvos and righteous blows.

[...] and lo! There the Emperor's Angels of Death would come, and there they would rip and tear every foe, until it is done.
I was present with my acolytes during one of such events.

It was moving, to say the least.

Seeing how they fought with such fury replenished in my heart the feeling that under the light of the Emperor, surely mankind will triumph against every and any foe.

The one thing that left me speechless and made me wait for a couple of decades before talking about it again was how the Pathetic Marines handled the Daemon invasion of Yegua 5. The planet, in the first place, was a mess: Chaos cults were everywhere, the PDF was composed of barely a thousand men, all of which were gathered in the Governor’s palace, citizens were all the time on the brink of starting a planet-wide rebellion, all it needed was a little push from the outside. A Desolator-class Chaos Battleship was that little push. The cults rose from the underhives, warp-spawns started appearing everywhere and within few hours the civilian casualties numbered in millions. A plead for help was sent by the Planetary Governor, I received it and I put it trough to the Marines, which I was travelling together with at the time in order to improve the relations between the inquisition and the chapter. I remember some of the things said during their commanders’’ discussion about who to send there:

“Did anybody say Daemons? RIP AND TEAR!”

“Let them do it themselves!”

“We should at least give some support!”

“I agree, as long as there are no Necrons there!”

“I can’t see shit, brothers!”

In the end they voted for “RIP AND TEAR” as a resolution method. Thus the 3rd Company was sent there. By the time they arrived every single human was dead or corrupted, the planet had become itself fully tainted by Chaos. There was only one way all this could end. In slaughter. Every single living thing, if daemons even really live, was slain, ripped and tore into pieces. A mere hundred marines, against millions. The daemons didn’t stood a chance. Six month of continuous fighting, 3 marines and a couple of Khorne Berzerkes later, appeared the strongest being remembered in that war: a Bloodthirster of Khorne. This daemon, lured by the bloodshed, entered the mortal realm roaring and stampeding trough the main Hive.

And while I won’t say that Doomaius did duel against it and killed it by furiously and continuously punching its face for an entire day, I won’t say he didn’t.

On a side note, the first achievement scored by the 3rd Company during that war was actually boarding the Desolator battleship and make it crash down on the planet surface after conquering it from within.

-Inquisitorial Record n.4358376-539, Inquisitor Emil Von Ansanger, De Miserationi Adepti Astarti



The Unfortunate Eldar Ship[edit]

Every Eldar I have met during my explorations claimed that thier race is the most expert in the art of void combat, I seriously doubt so. After one of the mani quasi-random Warp Jumps of the Bastion of Weakness, the Pathetic Marines found themselves exactly next to a Eldar Corsair Voidstalker. By the garbled vox trasmissions between the (supposed) command bridge of the Bastion and the Voidstalker it appears that the Eldar mistook our loyal Astartes for Chaos warriors, nothing less than Chaos space marines! The Marines engaged the xenos in boarding action... Or the Eldar did... Or even both...

If by "something" we mean jokearo heavy digital weapons, yes, the Corsair troops were killed by something.

(In any case, anyone that is foolish enough to fight a Space Hulk is anything but an expert in void combat.) In any case, the battle was fierce, very fierce indeed. The Captain of the Sniper Company himself was wounded so gravely in battle that he had to be transferred into a Pathetic Engine (Patheticnought) in order to survive. The battle raged on for a few minutes, then every Eldar died because of... "something". The Captain of the IX company was the one that decided to drive the damaged ship into the Bastion in order for the Hulk to absorbe it, but this plan didn't last for long as another peculiar thing was caught on the long range auspex...

-Inquisitorial Record n.4358376-476, Inquisitor Emil Von Ansanger, De Miserationi Adepti Astarti


The Sanctification of Atticuss Sackituss[edit]

As the auspexes calculated the exact location of the new object, the Captain of the Ninth was driving the captured Void Stalker towards the Bastion of Weakness so that the Space Hulk would absorb the xeno ship into its clusterfuck of battle barges and strike cruisers. Within 5 minutes the Chapter Master, the 5th, the 9th and the 10th Company were on their way to the unknown object, all the while the Captain of the 9th was still driving (It is still unknown to me how he was managing to.) the Voidstalker towards the Space Hulk. Thunderhawks arrived engines roaring to the unknown object, that by the looks of it was merely an asteroid. But auspexes can locate astounds around ships without problem and with much ease, so that asteroid had more than met the eyes of the landing force.

Except for the members of the 10th, they were all blindfolded.

Ironically enough, it was one of the terminators of the 10th that tripped over a rock and found an entrance to a cave, which was strangely geometrical and decorated, and glowing green. For a while nothing happened as the Marines proceeded trough the cave, guided by the apparently well informed Brother Notan Ecron, then, out of nowhere, a chasm appeared, glowing with a sick green light, silent. The Marines cared not and proceeded to poke around. With the poking came xeno weaponry and "other stuff" to quote their Techmarines' reports. Many Astartes would have been behaving in a most careful way in a situation like that, but not the Pathetic Marines, for either they were absolutely oblivious of the danger or simply did not care.

At some point appeared a figure, which the Marines testify they didn't notice until one of the Scout-Terminators tripped over its foot, which was stupidly big and skeletal in appearance. While the poking around intensified and the Marines' curiosity reached sky high levels, the structure didn't remain still for much longer. The impact with the figure triggered the activation of the whole structure, revealing to the Marines a terrible twist.

Xenos.

Everywhere.

Enough to make an Ordo Xeno Inquisitor giggle in a most heretical manner.

From that chasm they found before started to crawl out what the marines reported at "skeleton robot zombies with flashy guns" (The current Xeno Index has identified such creatures as "Necrons".) . The figure that was standing still on which the Terminator tripped now was coming back to life, its green eyes flashing menacingly and its metallic body starting to move. It first backhanded a scout marine in the face, then it looked around to find the chief of the interlopers and locked eyes with the Chapter Master Atticuss. The honour-guard of the Chapter Master reported that this peculiar Necron (later found out by the descriptions to be a Necron Lord) started to talk in some incomprehensible language to Atticuss. While the 5th, 9th and 10th Companies were holding off the first Necron Warriors that had arrived, Chapter Master Atticuss Sackituss answered to the Xeno's menacing words in the only way he knew: by starting to banter in High Gothic. The word duel kept going for a while actually, with the fighting in the background escalating.

This is the reassuring and calming figure of the 10th Company Chaplain, wouldn't you too belive him?
The Necron Lord suddenly disappeared at some point, ending the "duel". All the while a "big trianglular thing that shot big green lasers" (Later identified as a Necron Monolith.) appeared, escalating the fighting even more.

In that moment the Chapter Master and his Honor Guard entered the battle. It is recorded that the Miserable Patheticnought, the most honoured and revered dreadnought of the Chapter, blew itself up by overheating its melta cannon. 60% of the 5th Company was wiped out, its Captain being put in a Pathetic Engine for having been largely turned into bacon by a barrage of Necron attacks. The 9th Company suffered heavy losses, around 30 to 40 percent, and the 10th suffered in a similar manner. Remarkable events from that battle are:

  • -The Chapter Master surviving a direct shot from the Monolith and then fighting with such valour and inspiring his Battle Brothers so much that the Emperor saw fit making him become a Living Saint.
  • -Despite being surrounded by them, the Monolith didn't notice the Assault Terminators of the 10th hammering furiously its hull for a good quarter of an hour.

After some heroic fighting and the destruction of the Monolith, the Necron Warriors started to increase rapidly in numbers, with also fearsome units reported as "bigger skeleton robot zombies with flashier double-guns" (The Xeno Department refers to these units with the name of "Immortals".).

The Assault Terminators of the 10th for some time acted as a shield wall to cover the retreat of their Battle Brothers to the Thunderhawks. The retreat was flawless and no marine died or got injured during it.

As the last marines left the the "Tombsteroid" (Term used by Chaplain Notan Ecron), the Captain of the 9th had a horrible wonderful idea: to smash the previously captured Voidstalker onto the structure.

The Terminators of the X Company, along with the Chapter Master that personally wanted to oversee the shield wall, teleported back to the Bastion of Weakness few seconds before the impact between the captured Voidstalker and the Tombsteroid.

The impact between the two xeno constructs must have triggered something, as both the Tombsteroid and the Eldar vessel were turned into wreckage, that the "Good ol' Bastie" absorbed into itself in less that a few hours.

For his daring plan, the Captain of the 9th Company was praised with two dozens of Litanies of Booming (The Ordo Hereticus have yet to confirm the existance of such litanies and their adherence to the Imperial Truth.).

But trouble was always ready to come at the Pathetic Marines, and sometimes even from within.

-Inquisitorial Record n.4358376-477, Inquisitor Emil Von Ansanger, De Miserationi Adepti Astarti