Praetorian Guard

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SPESS Brits and SPESS Piths.
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"A dull, decent people, cherishing and fortifying their dullness behind a quarter of a million bayonets."

– George Orwell, Burmese Days

The Originals[edit]

[The] Praetorian Guard were an elite unit in the Roman Republic that served as bodyguards for high ranking officials and senators, and later exclusively for the Emperor when Rome has gone fully imperial. They were also infamous for scheming against their many lieges, and often were the kingmakers in various succession crises, until Constantine the Great got tired of their shit and killed them all when he (briefly) re-united the Roman Empire. Centuries later the Eastern Roman Empire would hire the Vikings and Slavs of the Varangian Guard to act in the same capacity with the same problems HERESY, THEY WERE BETTER IN EVERY WAY AND NEVER EVEN BETRAYED THEIR EMPEROR. If you see or hear an elite bodyguard unit mentioned, chances are either it will be named after the Praetorian Guard or if not the term will be thrown around anyway.

40K[edit]

The Praetorian Guard are Victorian era African theatre British soldiers in SPEHSS. They wear the classic redcoats with matching pith helmets, so they look rather classy and fucking manly as hell. They hail from the hive world of Praetoria, where the largest exports are disciplined regiments of dashingly handsome badasses and moustache wax. It’s no Catachan but Praetoria is a reasonably shit place to live, unless of course you are part of the nobility. If you weren’t fortunate enough to be born with a silver spoon tickling your tonsils, you are no doubt being shit on by the nobility in your tiny domicile, scratching a living among sewer gangs or you’re being pressed in to a redcoat so thick with starch it’s practically carapace. They are what Mordians would be if Mordians drank tea and were actually cool. Apparently at some point in time the Praetorian's history, the handsome devils decided to do some fucking manly shit for the Empruh, so they went to an uninhabited world filled to the brim with Orks with nothing but their bolt action flashlights and a handful of Tallarn guardsmen to back them up. While this bravado makes even the Mordian Iron Guard look like delicate flowers by comparison, needless to say the Praetorians lost a few major battles, the most notably the last battle titled The Massacre at Big Toof River, underestimating the numbers of the enemy and being wiped out to a man. Inspired no doubt by the inglorious spanking the British Army suffered from the Zulu’s at the Battle of Isandlwana, blended with their desperate last stand victory at the Battle for Rourke’s Drift. Sadly, the Praetorians weren’t quite so lucky and ended up in Ork tummies instead of being rewarded with tea, medals and a hit motion picture starring Stanley Baker and MOI COCAINE. Good luck finding original models for them these days outside of Only War though. No doubt in today’s climate Geedubs is more than happy to forget these blatant symbols of European colonialism (and the whole “is it or is it not racist that we compared native Africans to Orks” bizniss) despite their rampant, unabashed sideburny awesomeness. The fact that 40k is so anti-imperial it hurts notwithstanding. Some people think a satire is what you put on a sawheel. Oh well, at least there’s a fairly playable Praetorian mod for DoW Soulstorm.

Aunt Vicky (Victoria Lamb) makes some awesome lookalike Praetorians (as well as Savlar Chem Dogs, Mordian Iron Guard, Drookian Fen Guard and, of course, the Spanish Inquisition). Check her webstore here.

Alternatively you could just buy a box of 38 "Zulu War British Infantry" from Perry Miniatures for around $30, with matching Rough Riders. Perry Miniatures is notable in that they 've actually done subcontracting for GW designed the Praetorians in the first place as headswaps of their older Mordian figures.

Another option is Anvil Industry. Despite costing slightly more than GW Cadians they’re high quality, completely modular and even make Maxim guns. They also have gas mask piths so you could make a Praetorian siege regiment and play them as DKoK.

Anthems of Praetorian Regiments[edit]

The Guard of Praetoria - Anthem of the 44th Praetorian (Sung to the tune of The British Grenadiers)

"Some talk of Ollanius Pius"
"And some of Ciaphas Cain."
"Of Yarrick and Sly Marbo"
"And other greats the same."

"But of all the greatest heroes"
"There’s none more glorious"
"With a tow, row, row, row, row, row,"
"Than the Guard of Praetoria!"

"Whene’er we are commanded to form our firing lines"
"Our leaders stand before us, fearless of xenos swine."
"To them and their commanders, they crumble into dust"
"When they march into the firing line of the Guard of Praetoria!"

"Then let us fill a bumper, and drink a health of those"
"Who tote lasguns and armor, and wear the loupèd clothes."
"May they and their commanders die for the Emperor."
"With a tow, row, row, row, row, row, for the Guard of Praetoria!"

See Also[edit]

Regiments of the Imperial Guard
Armageddon Ork Hunters - Armageddon Steel Legion - Attilan Rough Riders - Brontian Longknives - Cadian Shock Troops
Catachan Jungle Fighters - Death Korps of Krieg - Drookian Fen Guard - Elysian Drop Troops
Harakoni Warhawks - Kanak Skull Takers - Last Chancers - Maccabian Janissaries - Mordant Acid Dogs
Mordian Iron Guard - Phantine Air Corps - Phantine Skyborne - Praetorian Guard - Savlar Chem Dogs - Scintillan Fusiliers
Tallarn Desert Raiders - Tanith First (And Only) - Terrax Guard - Valhallan Ice Warriors - Vostroyan Firstborn - Ventrillian Nobles