Racial Holy War

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This article is about something that is considered by the overpowering majority of /tg/ to be fail.
Expect huge amounts of derp and rage, punctuated by /tg/ extracting humor from it.
Commissar.gif This article or section is EXTRA heretical. Prepare to be purged.
For those whose Klansman's Hoods are on backwards (and also /pol/).

"I don't know whether to give it to a scientist to examine or a priest to exorcise!"

– Nostalgia Critic (regarding the Garbage Pail Kids movie, but it works here too)

Veterans of 1d4chan and /tg/ in general will notice that when we tend to review and, more commonly, openly make fun of shitty RPGs, we still tend to discuss what positive features they have, if any; for example, Ironclaw may be sort of fail, but it works fine once the furries are removed from the setting. Conversely, you have settings which have few directly appreciable features, but are so eminently mockable that one can't help but get a chuckle out of it. Poison'd and references to Esophagus-fucking may be a great example of this phenomenon, though the er-example remains FATAL, which for all of its hideously broken design, is a fucking singularity of humor that allows for borderline-infinite mockery. Anal Circumference alone has led to countless lulz on /tg/ and beyond.

And then you have Racial Holy War, also known as RaHoWa, which has none of these redeeming features.

It is below contempt, even if you're not racially/ethnically sensitive or even approve of racism altogether. It is not an RPG you can really make fun of for laughs because of its complete idiocy - everything about it is just devoid of humor. It somehow manages to out-do FATAL as being the worst RPG made, because whilst FATAL may be completely defunct mechanically, FATAL at least can, like a shitty movie being MST3Ked, get a laugh out of someone for being that broken and having ideas that stupid. Out-doing FATAL in badness is an achievement in and of itself, but RaHoWa takes it to the nth degree.

Putting it simply: RaHoWa is a White Supremacist RPG, an RPG that is made by - and for - the sort of people who cherry-picked the worst of Hitler's short-lived ideals (apparently forgetting that Hitler eventually retconned his early racism during his escapades in WW2) and still biting into the whole concept of: "Whites are the best because we're white and our god told us we are." It is a ridiculous attempt to lionize this belief as a form of propaganda - in RPG format, of course. Its concept and setting are beyond /tg/'s ability to make ostensibly humorous via mockery. It is broken ruleset-wise - because of course it is - however, the fact that it adds a dimension of glorifying a mindset that is all too happy to grab Humanitarian ideals by their proverbial ankles and drag them, screaming, to the Lovecraftian depths is what pushes it over the pale, as the mindset it espouses has led to countless atrocities and horrors.

Seriously, FATAL is infinitely less cringe-worthy than this shit. At least FATAL has humor in its shock value. RaHoWa has none of that. It's almost too stupid to be offensive, almost too pathetic to hate, and too disgusting to pity.

Premise[edit]

The synopsis of RaHoWa is that in the not-so-distant future, the world is on the edge of collapse, and it's all the doing of the evil non-white races and their insidious Jewish masterminds, having reduced the superior white race to a downtrodden minority (which, as always, begs the obvious question how the allegedly-superior white race was able to be so thoroughly outmaneuvered by the Jews in the first place). Fortunately, for the world (but not for our sanity) a team of brave White Warriors (read: The Players) emerges in the hopes of "cleansing the world of all the vermin" (yes, this is an actual quote from the game).

Throw in such great missions as "destroying a drug cartel run by awful latrinos," and you have a strong case for this being the only RPG in history that makes FATAL look slightly better by comparison; that's right. Yes, folks, the bar has once again been lowered with the force of a tactical nuke. Thanks a fucking bunch, Reverend Molyneux.

Mechanics[edit]

When you open with a premise of blind racial genocide on the premise of "muh racial superiority", the only direction you have to go is straight down, unless your game is saved by a relatively decent ruleset that can still be fun to use in some way, making it infamously memorable. Unfortunately for RaHoWa and fortunately for us, RaHoWa fails just as much at being an actual RPG. In fact, just classifying it as an RPG is a grave blasphemy to the legacy of the genre in general; even FATAL has a remotely functional dice system, inane and stupid as it is.

Character creation is a relatively boring affair, with a similar points-based attribute system to most RPGs - the problem is that what these attributes actually do is only mentioned in passing, if at all. From there, you choose a class and the skills of your choice, which include Clothesmaking (suggested uses for it include making swastika shirts), Video games, and Holy Books of Creativity, the latter of which involves "the study and enlightenment of the greatest books ever written- Nature’s Eternal Religion and The White Man’s Bible", which somehow manage to heal the White Warriors by "soothing and inspiring them". You can even heal yourself by giving yourself a speech!

For the combat part, you only have 3 generic weapons: a handgun, assault rifle, and shotgun. From here, you can pretty much see how downhill things go for combat: weapon selection is so god damn basic that there's no fun to be had in variety. But all this is nothing compared to the biggest problem of all that pretty much breaks the game in half - weapons themselves have no rules or stats, and there's not even a rule that explains how to calculate a player's base accuracy. This makes it essentially unplayable as there is no way to tell whether or not your attacks hit an enemy, because of this you can only assume that your weapons are actually imaginary guns that you attempt to materialize by making gunshot sounds with your mouth and positioning your hands like you're holding a gun, which would explain more how you're unable to hit anything at all.

Although the mental image of the last hope of the "White Empire" being completely incapable of fighting even the weakest enemies is certainly hilarious, it also makes it abundantly clear that the writers simply didn't care enough to even check if their game was complete before printing it out. One wonders if the authors involved with the creation of this game even played a single RPG before trying to make their own.

Enemies[edit]

As one last bit of flaming stupidity, the game takes unnecessary pleasure in categorizing enemy NPCs into ethnic stereotypes, each with their own special attack. It isn't even good if taken as a joke; it is completely devoid of any comedic material for even the most ethnically offensive comedian to use. It also makes whites the weakest race in the game since they are the only ones that don't get a special attack, demolishing its own claims about whites being superior. These special attacks have their use fully explained, which means that the writer was more interested in pushing his views than making his game playable.

  • Niggers: "Smelly, stupid creatures" which can reduce PCs' accuracy via their body odor, which is ironic given the average racist neckbeard who never touched a girl is fouler. Moreover, because of the aforementioned lack of any way to calculate accuracy, it's essentially devoid of function.
  • Latrinos: "Lazy and criminal vermin" (gee, that sounds familiar) with the ability to strike first in combat. (Because they sneak across the border so much, get it? So funny I forgot to laugh.) (Hey, I thought they were lazy. Shouldn't they attack last? These fucks can't keep their own propaganda straight for a full sentence.) Also, yes, the book consistently calls them "Latrinos".
  • Sand Niggers: "Scumbags" that have "declared the White Race as one of their many enemies in their 'Jihad' or holy war" (ironic given that "holy war" is in the fucking title) which can try to blow themselves up to attack.
  • Gooks: "Timid, annoying, slanty-eyed pieces of excrement that so desperately wish they were White" (never heard of Weeaboos, eh?) which can gain extra attacks in hand-to-hand combat from watching "fake martial arts movies", which makes you wonder how they would gain extra attacks if the movies are fake.
  • Kikes: "The worst and most evil parasites that the world has ever seen" who can bribe the PCs with jewgold to skip their turn, courtesy of the power of "brain pollution". (Which, paradoxically, pretty much destroys the premise of the White Warriors as "superior" beings and more of them being hypocritical race traitors who sold their race for money. As we've said previously, these people have the fluff-writing skills that would make the likes of Matt Ward and C.S. Goto seem like Dan Abnett in comparison.)

So in Conclusion...[edit]

Racial Holy War is a perfect example of something so terribly awful it can't even be used an example of how not to do something. If you desperately want to lose friends, there is no sure faster way then presenting this to them and going on about what a great idea you think it is. About the only good thing to come out of it is some horrible jokes that it's about as close as one can get to a Pen-and-Paper version of /pol/, and even that's debatable. While FATAL can at least be delivered to one's roleplay group as some sort of sadistic April Fools joke due to its inscrutable mechanics and depth of sexual depravity, Racial Holy War truly has no redeemable qualities whatsoever. Its only function is propaganda that ought to remain hidden somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle, with its unfunny racial stereotypes, broken mechanics and incomprehensible fluff accessible only by those too stupid to live.

Creator[edit]

Many neckbeards and ca/tg/irls may ask themselves; who the fuck created this mess?

The creator is a lesser-known (thank the Emperor) racist priest of an obscure white supremacist cult calling itself the "Creativity Movement" which just happens to have the idea of a "Racial Holy War" as a part of its doctrines and even uses the same abbreviation of "RaHoWa" for it (hence the ranting about the Holy Book of Creativity, their equivalent of the Bible), "game" creator and lobotomy recipient known as Reverend Molyneaux. No, not that Molyneux or that Molyneux.

His "works", if you can even call it that, consist of RaHoWa, a shitty blog, and his hilariously exaggerated to the point of vomit-inducement white supremacy fapfic known as "White Empire", which features a Gary Lu self-insert, wannabe Punisher and Tom-Cruise-in-Top-Gun-ripoff known as "John Granger" who neutron bombs simple African villages, wasting enormous resources to blow up a bunch of tribals in loinclothes. Then he loses a friend to a Jewish suicide bomber, tries to avenge him by infiltrating an underground race-mixing disco, and fails spectacularly: even his Garty Stu insert fails to prevent more deaths and suddenly quits the intelligence agency he just was vetted and taken in a single mission. Then he joins the extermination of Chinese in an Asian campaign, and kills some Jewish nuclear combat engineers on the Asian side. The story then ends abruptly as the next generation children go around LARP'ing King Arthur's knights and the world celebrates victory.

Oh, also men of the white empire are vegan, fruitarian, eat raw vegetables and nuts, work out like fuck, admire each other's manly skills and muscles and assets while women are in the back as childmakers. Make of that what you will.

The Creativity Movement[edit]

Molyneux's cult is, if anything, at least as bonkers as Molyneux himself. Founded by former Florida state senator Ben Klassen as the World Church of the Creator, it distinguished itself from the average hate group by disavowing Christianity as being invented by the Jews to oppress white people and generally made a nusiance of itself in the small North Carolina town it established itself in. Following Klassen's suicide and several lawsuits, its new leader Matt Hale quickly got himself embroiled in a lawsuit with an actual church over the organization's name which it lost. In a stunning show of bad judgement, he then attempted to solicit the murder of the judge presiding over the lawsuit, only to be arrested when his chief of security was revealed to be a FBI informant.

TL;DR- It may be a nutty game, but it was made by a nutty cult.

External Links[edit]

  • [1] A review of RaHoWa.
  • PDF of Racial Holy War. Best played in between cross-burnings.
  • [2] The author's shitty blog, for those of you with morbid curiosity.