Sociopathic diplomancer gets shut the fuck down

From 1d4chan
Jump to: navigation, search
Small Book.pngThe following article is a /tg/ related story or fanfic. Should you continue, expect to find tl;dr and an occasional amount of awesome.

So, /tg/, a few days ago was the first time I have ever killed another PC. I'd like to tell you why and how this happened.

4e DnD, played over IRC with Maptools for battles. I was playing the Striker, a Thaneborn Barbarian. Now, at one point, we'd lost a player and acquired a new one. This new player purported vaguely to be female, was unclear. Possibly just a dude playing pretend, a MtF, or genderqueer. What was clear, however, was that he/she had some issues.

Firstly, her character's backstory. She was a Tiefling Trickster Bard who had been raped, repeatedly, in her backstory essentially every time she trusted everyone, first at the orphanage where she was raised, then by her foster father, then by a jealous suitor because she wasn't interested in went on from there. It had something to do with her beautiful singing voice or something.

Second, and related, she hated men. All men. Regardless of alignment, species, or nature. This wasn't one of those nice, blatant hatreds that makes for some good roleplaying tension, plenty of nice in-character arguments, and a chance for people to overcome their prejudices. Oh no, this was a passive, subtle hatred. For example, is your character male? Good luck getting Majestic Word or any sort of buffs. If she could stay where she was and give buffs to three male characters, or move to give buffs to one female one, she took the latter every time. This isn't an exaggeration, it would take the whole group badgering her OOC before she'd heal wounded characters. She would either ignore or simply talk down to male NPCs when she thought she could get away with it, including once ignoring the head of a Paladin order discussing strategy with us to instead give her opinions and ideas to his female squire/assistant.

I didn't mention she was a lesbian earlier, because there are droves of lesbians who don't hate men and aren't thorough cunts, but...this character was very much a lesbian. Again, in sort of a passive manner, where she'd befriend female NPCs and then get hyperprotective of them, never letting anyone else in the party talk to them or interact with them at all, to the point where it was a huge inconvenience.

Now, to her moderate credit, said Bard was either good at playing a Bard tactically, or simply read CharOps from time to time, as she managed to have several ridiculously high skills. Diplomacy, for one, although I doubt CharOps would approve of the fact that she took Skill Focus for it. Religion and Arcana were two others, because she provided most (read, almost all) of our Rituals. As I said before, she was more of a pain in the ass about healing and buffs, but, eh, we had an Eladrin Taclord who was a MASSIVE BRO and made up for every act of faggotry commited by every other Fey ever.

Our DM, by the way, enjoyed intrigue. If a player came to our DM in private with something, it would nearly invariably get allowed regardless of what it was. Wasn't guaranteed to succeed, but it wouldn't get fiat'd away without good reason.

Now, our quest had been going on for some time, we had faced a number of challenges, and we were currently well into the Paragon Tier. Our latest missions had involved a kingdom that had been founded by a powerful Eladrin Wizardess out of refugees, broken mercenary armies, the peasants of some of the nations that had been crushed by incessant wars between the great powers, and others of that sort. You know, riffraff. Said Wizardess had been the Royal Mage of one of these destroyed, minor kingdoms and was looking to create a new one, one powerful enough that it wouldn't be trampled for resources.

Since all of us were Good or Unaligned (the Bard herself was Good, but had Chaotic Good written on her sheet, according to her, because she preferred the old alignments) we had been helping them. We'd helped lead refugees to them, cut a deal with elementals to convince them to haul a huge stone wall up out of the ground, cleaned out a demon-infested fortress, and generally kicked ass and taken names.

The kingdom in question was presided over by the former Royal Mage, as I said, and her circle of apprentices...who happened to be female. I suspect it was to avoid impropriety, but the DM never said. We had worked hard, and the kingdom was finally secure. We'd collected a few legendary mercenary troupes and formed a kickass army out of them, despite our Bard not wanting to negotiate with the ones led by men. We had raised walls, scoured fortresses, and had even organized people to build roads and rebuild farms.

Things were starting to look prosperous, and we had been called to the newly named Star Palace to be honored and discuss the future of the kingdom. Now, part of the reason our Bard liked these people was a disproportionate number of women in power. As I said before, war had crushed many of the kingdoms these people had come from, great swathes of the male population had been pressed into enlistment and slaughtered, so many mothers and widows occupied positions that would once have been filled by men, and as a result it was predominantly women that filled the council chamber, aside from us.

This is the point where things get bad. Our Bard asked to speak, and was granted the floor, ascending to the podium at the center of the room. There she told the assembled the following. War, she claimed, was the fault of men. If it was not for men, there would be almost no war, no violence, no competitive machismo. She spoke of unity and cooperation, in a world where that was simply viewed as the easiest and most mature way to settle things. She pointed out that men had waged the wars that devastated the continent (we don't actually know if any of the nations involved had a queen at their head) and that it was the women who suffered for it...and then she dropped the bombshell. She had created two unique rituals.

The first was a magical plague, it would drain the strength and energy from men and cause them to fall asleep, and then drift off into death. It was airborne, incurable, and fast-acting. She said she made it painless to be more palateable. She said it would take a vast amount of reagents to work, but that they had enough, now, to easily do it with the cooperation of the Queen.

The second Ritual was the one she said would give their nation the chance to spread peace and enlightenment to everyone. This was the one that would keep them safe. It would turn a large number of assembled women into hermaphrodites, capable of both siring and bearing children. She rushed to say that this would not be used on all women, naturally, but enough to keep a sustainable population, and that she had run the numbers needed to keep said population up (presumeably via skill challenge). The ability to reproduce still, coupled with the maturity and gentle nature of women, would lead to a utopia.

Now, besides the fact that I'm positive there's fapfiction about a setting like that, I'm fond of my balls. Also, fond of being alive. Our Eladrin Warlord is a cousin of the Queen, so I figure she's not going to be too thrilled about this either. I'm ready for them to laugh her down.

DM asks her to roll Diplomacy. This is the point where, I know you're all thinking, she rolls a natural 20 and you all simultaneously call me a bullshitter. Well, she didn't roll a natural 20. She rolled an 18. 18, plus an incredibly high Charisma modifier, Diplomacy trained, Skill Focus: Diplomacy, the Words of Friendship all added up to a number that could have swayed Orcus.

The DM is silent, and tells her she passes the Diplomacy check. This is the point where I fear I may have proven her right about male violence.

Now, the council chamber and the Star Palace themselves are pretty cool. They were once an ancient Eladrin castle that got permanently planeshifted to the Prime Material and buried over time, we restored it. It's far, far, far bigger than we need, but it's the most regal building around, so the royalty of the new kingdom uses it for stuff. Personally, I think that it's nifty. The council chamber is huge, too, with 'speaking crystals' that carry sound implanted in the speaker's podium. Best part? The speaker is out of range of most spells, at least with the range they tend to have in 4e, just because of the sheer size of the room. So even if she swayed the Queen, it wasn't going to help what happened next.

Incidentally, she was still talking, detailing an elaborate semi-caste-system with specific titles and honorifics, and how the new generation of women that could bear daughters/more hermaphrodites (the 2nd ritual ritual stopped them bearing sons, or the 1st made women in general unable to bear male children, I forget, she had planned for all of that shit) would interact with those who were pure-woman. Her whole plan for it was really, really elaborate and detailed, it sounded as if she had been writing it up for a while, everything from the plans to demilitarize, to the way to train up as many casters as possible to the point where they could cast the first, man-killing ritual using the money they saved from not having an army.

You know what happens to be a really fun power? Howling Strike. Not only can it be used on a Charge, but it deals a fair amount of damage for an At Will, has some items that increase how much it deals in a way that is very, very satisfying. The best part is, the fluff amounts to charging someone with your weapon yelling "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUU WHOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" and cleaving the shit out of them. Which I did. Spent an Action Point, hit her with my lowest level Rage Daily.

Now, there are a few other things to mention. First, Rage Strike is awesome. Second, having a Fullblade is awesome. Thirdly, Thaneborn Barbarians have Charisma secondary, which means their Will is generally quite high. In short, the many Will-based attacks a Cunning Bard (or Trickster Bard, I think I said earlier, and if it really IS Cunning I am kicking myself for not making a joke about lesbians and cunnilingus) has are not exceptionally potent versus a Thaneborn, while my AC-focused melee attacks with a +3 Proficiency weapon were. PCs have decent amounts of HP, in general, but still, I'm Rage Striking every turn, hitting her with Dailies and chopping into her like firewood. This took a while purely because, OOC, the Bard's player is freaking out and screaming at me and demanding the DM stop me. Perhaps she had a point, since I WAS hacking at someone in the middle of council, someone who had simply been presenting an argument, even if it was arguably enhanced by arcane magic.

Did you actually say "FUUUUCK YOOOOU WHOOOOORE" in-character as he swung? Did the whole council chamber hear? Or was that just for the Bard's benefit?

Yes. That is pretty much exactly what I said. OOC, I think I was also saying it every time he/she bitched. Now, the guards are running across the chamber to break this up, but I am Rage Striking the shit out of her every turn, and hitting on most of them. She has a handful of hit points left, the guards are almost there, and I thwock her with my last Rage Strike, sending her deep into negatives and knocking her unconscious. The player is going ballistic when our female Fighter comes up and casually helps me smash her down to her negative bloodied value, killing her.

So, the Bard's player is still freaking out, basically saying I should be executed on the spot, and the DM hurriedly ends the session. Our Fighter, who herself is a big, quiet Goliath Battlerager, ends it with something that just wouldn't have had the same effect if anyone else had said it.

"Some of us like MEN attached to dicks, you selfish cunt."

Originial Thread Archive: