The Amorous Adventures of Factol Hashkar

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The blurb that started it

A series of "amorous adventures" perpetrated by Factol Hashkar, a Planescape character who is Factol (leader) of the Fraternity of Order (Super Lawful Neutral dudes trying to figure out all the rules of the multiverse). The author is the same big fag who runs the Planescape Magical Girls campaign. Seriously, what an incredible homo.

The First Adventure

The young elf maiden kicked off the last of her clothing and lay back on the bed. Her bosom heaved as she watched Hashkar approach and lean in close to her.

"Is it time?" she asked. "Yes," Hashkar said. He pulled out his ruler. "What do you call this?" the elf asked, turning to allow Hashkar to measure her breasts. "Physiognomy?" "Yes," he replied. "I am performing research to test the validity of the theory that one's personality can be assessed via examination of their physical appearance. That reminds me, after this you'll need to fill out this two-hundred-page psychological assessment..."

The elf yawned.

The Second Adventure

Factol Hashkar looked up from his desk at the smiling tiefling in front of him. She was wrapped in sensible robes because she was a Guvner and not a slut, but Hashkar would hear that she was considered to be stunning by many humanoids a few weeks later. He would immediately forget about this unimportant knowledge.

"Yes?" he asked. The tiefling placed a fifty-page thesis on his desk. "I just made major progress on the Fermistadt portal equation!"

That was the closest Hashkar came to an erection that decade. He did not feel ashamed.

The Third Adventure

Hashkar was on time for his private meeting with Factol Montgomery of the Sensates. Exactly on time. He was always exactly on time.

Erin Montgomery was reclining on one of her many lounges. She had chosen a lightweight bikini, the colour of ripe limes to match her eyes, and a shimmering translucent dress that sparkled with every movement. She idly placed her book on the floor and rested her hand on one soft hip as Hashkar entered, a smile forming on her full lips.

"Oh, sirrah," she purred, idly playing with her copper hair. "Is that a ruler in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

Hashkar checked his many pockets until he found the pocket she was referring to. It was indeed a ruler.

"Oh, dear." He had borrowed this ruler from Jamis, Bureau Chief of the Ad Hoc Bureau of Courts (B2 rating), to help straighten out the stack of files he had brought. Two hundred and seventy-four and a half pages, all containing vital data he may need to discuss with Factol Montgomery every important issue he wanted to address today, from Section 1, Subsection A ("Request For Use Of Additional Sensory Stones for Mathematical Analysis Purposes") to Section 6, Subsection C, Point 4 ("Clarification On Sub-Clauses In Agreement C-5 From Previous Meeting").

"Yes. It is a ruler."

Factol Montgomery suppressed a yawn.

The Fourth Adventure

Becky gasped.

"It's so big!" she cried, as Hashkar thrust his rod towards her. "And hard!"

"And immovable, I see," she added once Hashkar pressed the button and stepped back.

After a period of silence, she felt compelled to say something.

"So why have I been summoned, Factol Hashkar, sir?"

Hashkar returned his attention to her. "Oh, I do apologise. I have been quite busy all morning and I just thought of the solution to an equation I have been pondering. I would like you to do something about my rod?"

"Your rod?" Becky ran her fingers along Hashkar's rod. It was long and black and quite hard. She grasped it and tugged to make sure it was immovable. Yep.

Hashkar nodded. "I requested an immovable rod as an aid for holding books within my office. However, it has not been made to my specifications. I fear there has been a mix-up. It is at least an inch too short, and of entirely the wrong material. I requested adamantium."

"Ah," Becky said, understanding dawning. "You would like me to make your rod longer and harder, sir?"

"Yes. And polish it, if you would."

Becky nodded, touched the tip of the rod, and took the now movable rod in her hands.

Hashkar gestured to a nearby file. "Here is all the necessary documentation. Copies of my request, receipts, forms, et cetera. You will need to obtain the relevant forms to process this downstairs, of course."

Becky rubbed Hashkar's rod idly and nodded. "Yes, sir!"

She left happily. After all, not many young, nubile female namers like her got a chance to work directly for the factol. At this rate she could be a factotum in a month!

In his office, Hashkar considered removing his pants. This was because he had accidentally spilled some coffee on them earlier.

After careful analysis, he decided to change his socks as well.

The Fifth Adventure

Lily ran a hand down her slender half-elf body and shivered nervously. Now that she was here, under the stern gaze of Hashkar, she felt vulnerable. Exposed. She swallowed and tried to hide it.

"What is your wish, sir?" she asked, the breeze from the window stirring the stuffy air and teasing the edges of her cute white dress.

Hashkar stroked his magnificent beard.

"I read your thesis on the order to be found within Xaos. You must be very skilled in the arts of stealth and subterfuge to remain hidden there for that long."

Lily gasped inside her head. Hashkar had noticed her thesis! Her knees trembled excitedly.

"I would like a follow-up work on the gate-towns of Bedlam and Glorium. Glorium you may find easier, though Bedlam is dangerous. I would finance your expedition and hire cutters to guard you, of course."

A wave of pleasure crashed through Lily's brain. She shivered. All those years of work... she couldn't believe it had come to this. It only made her more nervous; Butterflies fluttered through her stomach and she began to tug awkwardly at her dress, fearing she had chosen the wrong garb for the occasion. Hashkar didn't seem to notice.

"Would that be acceptable? I would very much appreciate your insights on chaos theory."

"Oh, yes!" Lily almost moaned. "I mean, ah, um..." She blushed and tried to put on her serious face. "Yes, sir."

"Good," Hashkar nodded. "There is no need to be nervous, young girl. You've earned it. I would request that you undergo a physical and mental examination to be sure you are fit for the task. A formality, of course."

Lily nodded and began to fumble with the buttons of her dress.

"I did not mean me," Hashkar said.

"I apologise, sir," Lily stammered, doing up her dress, "I'm a little nervous."

"That is acceptable. I can see where my previous request could be misinterpreted. I will endeavor to be clearer in the future." Hashkar nodded and ushered her out.

Once she had gone, Hashkar sat down to continue reading through the ancient tome on Abyssal pottery he had acquired. He wasn't quite sure where all these young girls were coming from, but it did not interest him in the slightest.

The clocks in his office rang out 1 P.M., exactly on time. The pentadrone he was meeting with at exactly one hour after-peak knocked politely.

Hashkar almost smiled. Modrons, now... modrons were interesting.

The Sixth Adventure

Factol Pentar yawned. She had tried to get here early to make a show of being willing to talk, but now she was just bored.

She stretched, idly noting that her new clothes seemed to be fitting well. She had chosen a form-fitting leotard of dark leather with a few cords and belts wrapped around it for effect after her previous outfit was destroyed in a forest fire she had started on the Outlands. She had kept a spiky bracer which had survived the inferno and some long boots from a much older outfit she had ruined the rest of in the Abyss; they seemed to match.

She drummed some fingers on her hips and had just begun to wish something exciting would appear when Hashkar walked into the room.

"Good morning," he said.

Pentar idly twirled her long, raven tresses and licked her lips; she knew it would be a bad idea, but she couldn't help but think of the destruction she could cause by hurling Hashkar out the window.

Hashkar studied his surroundings - a private room in a Guvner-run museum of weapons they had chosen for this secret meeting - with something approaching approval. There was just something about a perfectly symmetrical double-headed dwarven battle axe that felt... right. It was like a properly filled-out TPS report from Nemausus.

"I'll cut to the chase," Pentar said, scratching her neck. "Sure, I could see us cutters at least calling a truce, and we could rattle our bone-boxes all day coming up with an agreement, but how do I know you're not just worried about the new Chaos Blades we're making?"

"Well..." Hashkar said. Pentar cut him off before he could lecture her for the next hour.

"It was a rhetorical question, Guvner. My real question is this: Can you prove to us that you're more than just boring stiffs trying to put order in an inherently chaotic multiverse? Could you, I don't know, be...

...exciting?"

Hashkar reached for his belt.

Then he tugged it upwards, his usual little tic which signalled that he was about to analyse the wording of a question rather than answer the question itself.

"Well, my dear, to properly answer that we would first have to clarify:

a) Whether excitement is a subjective or objective emotion;

b) Possible causes of excitement;

c) The acceptability of said excitement within Sigil's laws; and

d) The potential impact of said excitement on Doomguard-Fraternity of Order relations..."

Hashkar lectured. Inside her head, Pentar cried.

All this just to get closer to the modrons and gather useful intelligence for crushing the next Great Modron March. Pentar knew she was going to be at this eight hours a day for at least a week, too.

As Hashkar lectured, Pentar fantasised about setting him on fire and hurling him out of a window.

The Seventh Adventure

Hashkar looked down at the young human girl the guards had dragged into his office. She was a member of the Guvners in good standing, but evidence had been found that she had been supplying information to an Anarchist cell. Something had to be done.

Byakuren was understandably nervous. The guards had dragged her from her quarters without letting her dress, and she was having to make do with a long (but not long enough) shirt. She blushed, trying to tug it down far enough for modesty. Hashkar didn't notice or particularly care, though.

"You stand accused of aiding the Anarchists," Hashkar said. "I believe we need to talk."

"I was forced!" Byakuren stammered. "I have evidence! I can lead you to the Anarchists! Please, I don't want to go to prison!"

Hashkar stared at her for a long time. Finally, he spoke.

"I will arrange an internal investigation. If your claims are true, you will not. You will still have to face a penalty, of course."

"I'll do anything, just don't kick me out!" Byakuren blurted out. She couldn't imagine going to any other faction, even if Sensates kept telling her that her curves and soft, enticing skin would get her many good experiences.

"Anything?" Hashkar said.

Byakuren nodded.

"We could use an assistant librarian in the Vault of Knowledge," Hashkar mused. "The history section is a mess. I spotted a book out of place today."

"Deal!" Byakuren said.

Hashkar nodded, and gestured for the guards to place her under house arrest for now and get her some pants.

When she left, Hashkar went back to his studies on a new loophole in the laws of the multiverse.

It was a pretty boring one. Most of them were.