The Last Ringbearer
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Reason: Badly written, very literally a shill piece about a badly written LOTR fanficiton who premise requires that the reader completely ignore Tolkein's commentary on and criticism of the war industry, which is literally half the fucking point. It's salvageable, but even assuming this isn't subsectioned on the the LOTR article, it's probably best rewritten from the ground up.
The Last Ringbearer is a
bad retelling of The Lord of The Rings. The basic premise is that The Lord of the Rings is pompous poetic "history written by the victors" crap. The Last Ringbearer is what """really""" happened. Oh, and it's written by a Russian biologist and paleontologist, Кирилл Юрьевич Еськов (Kirill Yuryevich Yeskov), previously known mostly for SPIDERS.
Mordor was an industrious worker's paradise full of engineers and mathematicians and shit. Then Gandalf and the other wizards (except Saruman, he cool) engineered a war between them and the other kingdoms and are now busy crafting the Final Solution to the Mordorian problem, because they're all luddite shitheads who fear science will make their parlor tricks useless. Haladdin, a humble orc (which BTW is just racial slur for "Eastern guy", and apparently "troll" is also a racial slur for "burly northerner mountain man") physician is approached by a Nazgûl (a group of nine ancient scientists and philosophers that are guiding Mordor through industrialisation) who gives him a ring to prove that he actually met a Nazgûl (that's kind of a big deal around those parts). He also tells him about how that ring in The Lord of the Rings is just a way to distract stupid people. What's really going on is that that Gandalf and the rest of the Nazi-Wizards had asked the elves for help to win the war, returning them the powerful Mirror of Galadriel as a token of alliance, but are so gay for elves that they don't realize these ones are a bunch of cruel, arrogant, xenophobic assholes who are now going to use the mirror to turn Arda in a bad copy of Valinor and go Dark Eldar on everybody's butthole. So Haladdin is tasked with fixing this by destroying Galadriel's mirror to separate the worlds and make the world of men free. The only way to destroy the mirror is to yep-you-guessed-it expose it to TEH MOUNTAIN DOOMZ!!! But instead of sneaking into elfland to casually pick up a heavily-guarded 1000 pound magical mirror, Haladdin gets the idea to use palantirs to transmit mountan doomz to the mirror, because palantirs can transmit shit, which the Nazgûl Sharya-Rana insists is primitive as fuck and a seriously embarrassing use of a palantir. Also a bunch of other cool shit happens, including the medieval fantasy version of a middle-east spy-story. Also Faramir is kinda badass and a pretty cool guy. Aragorn is a gigantic douche and the ending heavily implies he tried to cheat the dark powers that gave him the army of the dead and got
exactly what he deserved a life of a benevolent dictator, which dragged his people from medieval dirt into prosperity of industrial revolution and get a fine death of an old age, although leaving no heir...
- English translation in various formats
- Essay by Кирилл Юрьевич Еськов about why he wrote The Last Ringbearer. It includes an attempted “got ya” meant to show his familiarity with the text that actually exposes his unfamiliarity with the text, namely, trying to claim that you can’t name the money the heroes use because there isn’t any when the earliest legs of the first book clearly reference “silver pennies” repeatedly.