JUST AS PLANNED... ALWAYS AS PLANNED... NEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHHE... LOL!
- The Word of Tzeentch on just about any Misfortune you encounter
"Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man."
- Friedrich Nietzsche
"If there is no struggle, there is no progress."
- Frederick Douglass
"I accept chaos, I'm not sure whether it accepts me."
- Bob Dylan
"O Fortune, like the moon you are changeable, ever waxing and waning. Hateful life, first oppresses, and then soothes as fancy takes it; poverty, and power it melts them like ice. Fate - monstrous and empty, you whirling wheel, you are malevolent, well-being is in vain and always fades to nothing, ..."
- Oh Fortuna, from the Carmina Burana
Tzeentch, (pronounced Zeench) known as Tchar, Chen the Deceiver, Tsien-Tsin, the Troll Master, Cheenzh, the Raven God, the Trickster, the Cheap Nyarlathotep Ripoff, the Lord of Nerds, /b/, Emperor Lollercoaster, The Indecisive Mollusk and 9987 other names is the Chaos God of change, hope, lies, Ambition, mutation, 'Pure Chaos', Machiavelli, politics, trolling, the internet, mindrape, progress, knowledge, and magic.
Tzeentch was born some time in the renaissance out of the minds of the Human and the Eldar races, so he probably came to be in the 1600's or so in 40k. In Warhammer Fantasy he already existed before the world like the other Chaos Gods, and the Old Ones actively tried to prevent Daemons from ever successfully invading the world by creating the different races of the game in an attempt to find something that could cheese Daemons in every battle until the very Warp Gates that the Old Ones used to come to the planet in the first place collapsed forming miniature Eyes of Terror at the poles of the world (Just as planned). He is said to have a fetish for Ravens amongst the Norse tribes and Condors amongst Kurgan nomads. There's no real picture for Tzeentch since the weird bastard always changes his appearance every time he sits for his yearbook photo. Some of the more memorable appearances have been: an opaline serpent constantly slithering in-place; a no-neck blue greater daemon with a skin pocked with faces that each repeat what the main head just said with different emphasis or tone; a rainbow-hued cloud of mist that speaks by casting echoes off nearby structures without making the original sound; a featureless green-skinned human in an archaic grey suit with the words "NO PICTURE AVAILABLE" suspended in the air where his face would be; and perhaps the most prominent, a giant imp with two penises growing out of its head. No, srsly. Unless..he could be Slaane-..*URGLBURGL*
Strangely, Tzeentch was often attributed to hope in the two settings, despite there being Chaos Gods of Order in Fantasy, and in 40k the God-Emperor of Mankind serving as The God of Hope in his career even if he never wanted to be worshiped as such. To be fair, there is a difference between hope and order. The Chaos Gods embody traits that can be directed for good or evil (how can hope be evil? To invoke Godwin's Law, Hitler hoping his genocide plans would succeed was evil, or as in Pandora's Box where hope prolongs suffering). It is entirely possible that what Games Workshop incorrectly called Hope is more accurately called selfish Ambition, the sort that would drive people to commit Machiavellian backstabbing, because in the grim darkness of the 41st millennium actual selfless Hope is pretty much a rotting corpse.
He is typically the second strongest of the Chaos Gods, however in canon Chaos God vs Chaos God stories he has the largest number of victories and fewest number of defeats. He rarely does things directly and prefers to trick one of the Chaos Gods or their servants into fighting with one another (to the point that one can assume anytime a Chaos God goes to war with another one, he's probably behind it). He got Skarbrand, the then mightiest Bloodthirster, to attack his master. Skarbrand hit with all his strength but only put a chink in Khorne's armor and Khorne got unbelievably, incomprehensibly, all-consumingly pissed and grabbed Skarbrand and threw him so hard that he went sailing in the sky for days before finally crashing into the ground so hard that his wings broke. Tzeentch got a good laugh out of this and received no negative consequences...
Except that millions of his followers will likely be slaughtered and his faith likely has a new enemy... but Tzeentch, like every Chaos God, is beyond our petty definition of victory and defeat. Which makes the above paragraph idiotically inaccurate, like most of our concepts of reality when the Warp gets involved.
Once Tzeentch was the strongest of all the Chaos Gods and basically made the Warp his bitch. In 40k this was actually tied to a real world time period now known as a Dark Age of Technology - the golden age of prosperity, hope, ambition, and progress, when Humanity and Eldar, who dominated the Galaxy defeated the diseases and poverty with their sophisticated science and sorcery and waged their wars through emotionless constructs and robots - no wonder Tzeentch was supercharged by these events and the other two gods were at their lowest of the lows. Unfortunately for him, he didn't plan on the other two Chaos gods agreeing to team up against him and was shattered into countless fragments. Unlike a certain other god, he was able to put himself back together again, but he's still missing several pieces of himself. In Fantasy those pieces went on to become the first magic, and in 40k they caused a massive burst of powerful psykers being born, which combined with a robot rebellion humans experienced and pleasure cults Eldar went into brought the downfall of both civilizations, effectively ending their golden ages. Although, given the nature of gods, it's possible that the cause-consequence chain was the other way around with a war in the Warp being the representation of two great prosperous empires falling from their grace.
If Tzeentch had a voice actor... Tzeentch would need different ones all the time. A good candidate is Martin Sheen.
In 40k, he was seemingly the only Chaos God who didn't try to intervene when Slaanesh went on his "just-born" raping and killing spree as far as we know. But Tzeentch seldom works directly, so there's no way to tell for sure.
In Warhammer Fantasy, Asuryan is something of the Road Runner to his Wile E. Coyote. While Tzeentch's flawless and infinitely intricate plans of dickery seem to culminate with the Warp enveloping the world, something always goes wrong at the last minute and usually the High Elves or an ally of the High Elves are at the center of it. That's because Asuryan also has a plan, one he actually shares with mortal High Elves who take a vow of silence and become his monks. Asuryan's plan is NOT flawless however, and culminates in one giant last battle with a 50% chance of success or fail on his behalf between "good" (Order) and "evil" (Destruction). The outcome of that battle decides if the Chaos Gods win or lose once and for all. Apparently, dragons will go extinct either way though. Tzeentch also has direct relations with Morai-Heg who is a goddess of prophesy who can actively change fate at her will. Morai-Heg is a True Neutral kind of being who fucks with everyone's plans in ways that end up with them indebted to her one way or another. Usually because she manipulates things in a way to force you to come to her to undo the change she already made (you don't know she did this in the first place) and make a third result, which someone else probably asked for due to a change someone else made and...well, let's just summarize it as "Everyone's plans are all going according to plan".
Just as planned...
Tzeentch will always be three steps ahead of you; he out-dicks Eldrad, The Laughing God, both God Emprahs, and the Deceiver hands down. Just an example: He tricked Slaanesh into having a beef with Khorne which the former lost. Why did he do it? He did it for the lulz.
Just don't mention Creed around him...
In Warhammer Fantasy, he's notable for never really doing much of anything really (except trapping Sigmar for years in the Wind of Heaven until Vortex on Ulthuan is destroyed and the Wind, under Sigmar's direction, enters the body of Emperor Karl Franz after his death.) His champions either have magical powers or limited ability to see and manipulate the future. Some just follow more charismatic champions of other Chaos Gods into battle, although when that champion inevitably falls Tzeentch's almost always survive to mutate another day. The setting's China equivalent, Cathay, has wizards actively stealing Tzeentch's magic and using its effects to affect the world with greater power than normal magic can. They do this entirely without worshiping him or suffering Chaos mutations or taint (according to the fluff, they do worship Tzeentch, they just know him by another name and don't know his true nature... this is most likely a reference to Daoism and Yi Jing, the Book of Change). Clearly Tzeentch mostly just focuses on 40k while the other three Chaos Gods play two tables at once (or maybe Tzeentch is lulling the Cathayans into a false sense of security...).
The funny thing is, Tzeentch's plots will never come to true fruition. They just go on and on, forever and ever, twisted and tangled for the sheer joy of it with no end goal or even a purpose behind them. Tzeentch is a god of chaos, and a plan satisfied, tied up, finished, is a plan that has left his purview. There is no victory, no defeat, no end. Ends are stagnation, the opposite of all he represents. There will only be the endless clatter of dice in the mad, cruel games the gods play with the fates and souls of men. Rolled without end, amen. In this sense, Tzeentch truly is the Chaos God of hope because he will never allow Chaos to defeat the mortal plane if he can- at least, not if it doesn't lead to further changes. While most everyone else plays to win, Tzeentch plays for fun, for as long as he can. In older fluff, Tzeentch was also the Chaos God of magic and intellect, so if anyone wanted Tzeentch to win, they just had to make a clever plan that would further Tzeentch's goals and pull it off, increase the amount of magic in the world or become a wizard (so technically everytime a Storm of Magic happens would be a victory for Tzeentch), though GW has downplayed that aspect of him.
Possibly the god of "I meant to do that".
Tzeentch's followers tend to be Librarians/wizards, Sorcerers, nerds, psykers/magical beings, unstable mutants, and red-nosed misfits, but instead of Nurgle's "I love you just for who you are," Tzeentch encourages his followers to revel in what makes them dweeb outcasts and go even further, constantly finding new ways to push limits and try things out just because they can. It's not enough that you've made this former Guardsman loyal, harder and better, faster and stronger, you could also fit another three arms on the guy, and if you added a head on his pelvis he would never be surprised, and he can't talk anymore so why not replace his larynx with a flamer sac? Whereas other Chaos Gods accidentally pour too much love into their subjects (Slaanesh quite literally), Tzeentch does it on purpose because he actually knows what he's doing when he does so.
Tzeentch Daemons are:
- Pink Horrors: Ever-shifting gleeful balls of psychic rape. Really powerful ones are Heralds of Tzeentch. Courtesy of sixth edition 40k, these guys are now brotherhood of sorcerers, and a blob of 16 or more horrors can cast 3 spells per turn, and since they're daemons of Tzeench they test on Ld10. Unfortunately, all the powers they have are FUN*. 8th edition Fantasy sees them as a blob of level 1 wizards who can't miscast, which are fun due to the randomness of them but aren't really competitive. The best-known of these is a being called the Changeling, who has the ability to transform into any being it wants, usually for the purposes of wreaking havoc behind enemy lines (although it has also been known to do so for pulling pranks as well, like planting Nurglings on the Skull Throne just as Khorne is about to sit down or cutting Slaanesh's hair while he/she/it sleeps). Apparently it's changed its form so many times it doesn't even remember what it originally used to look like.
- Blue Horrors: When you kill a pink horror, it splits into 2 tiny, manic-depressive blue horrors. In 40k it just means your pink horrors hit back at S2 every time you kill one in close combat, which is kind of useless. Why are your horrors in close combat anyway? The Fantasy version of them are summonables that enter onto the field when the magic lore of Tzeentch sees a spell casted very well (since your Pink Horrors cannot miscast, throwing a fuckload of dice into a spell to produce more Blue Horrors is nifty). They're pretty weak though anyway, which is what keeps full Tzeentch armies from really being viable. A particularly notable pair of Blue Horrors are P'tarix and Xirat'p, also known as the Blue Scribes. Tzeentch sent them out to catalog every single magic spell in reality, knowing that they weren't smart enough to know how easily abused the power of said spells might be. Finally fixed in Age of Sigmar as they're now just weaker pink horrors that you place two when a pink horror dies.
- Brimstone Horrors: Also known as Yellow Horrors. Recently added in Age of Sigmar and 40k, oddly never mention until now since three is a running theme for Tzeentch. When a Blue Horror dies they turn into a pair of angry little fire daemons.
- Flamers: like Horrors but less limb-y and way more mouths to breathe fire with. Also, this fire is S4 AP4. If you inflict wounds on a unit they have to take a toughness test, and if they fail they suffer D3 wounds with no saves allowed. On the other hand, if they pass the toughness test they get feel no pain (6+) which can stack if they keep passing.. They're the main Daemon ranged option in Warhammer Fantasy, although they're pretty close range. Best used to shotgun an enemy right in the flank while it's engaged with something from one of the other Chaos Gods in melee. Just as planned, right there in the crunch.
- Screamers of Tzeentch: the Tzeentchian notion of cavalry; levitating manta rays with buzzsaw fins. Also melta-teeth for some reason. In Fantasy they function as chaff by harassing units and weakening them (with great luck killing something important like a mage) or forcing them to devote a turn killing them and thus leaving that unit open to whatever other Daemons you brought.
- Burning Chariots of Tzeentch: One-man vehicles for heralds of Tzeentch or Exalted Flamers, which are like flamers but... exalted. In 40k this is where the AP2 Tzeentch Flame attack went after Flamers got a buff (but it's assault D3, for optimal FUN*, and it also has a S5 AP3 torrent attack. These both follow the same warpflame rules as flamers do, but they also won't be leaving so many survivors so it's not as big a deal. Fantasy sees them as the surprise buttsecks machine, once again tearing through an enemy that's engaged with something else. Like Tzeentch's architectural styles though it's a glass cannon that WILL break if damn near anything short of an anemic Bretonnian peasant orphan with a cold attacks it.
- Lords of Change: huge birdlike sorcerers that look like a werewolf's in-between state, only it's a werevulture-snake-velociraptor...thing. They have the power to predict the future at any given time so they're almost invincible, unless Tzeentch wants them to die, which going by all the times Tzeentchian Chaos Daemon and Thousand Sons armies lose, happens surprisingly often. They're the best non-named spellcaster available to Daemons in Fantasy. Chief among their number is Tzeentch's right-hand daemon Kairos Fateweaver, who was gifted the ability to to know everything that will ever happen (along with a second head). It's said that he knows the answers to all questions, but if you ask him, both heads give contradicting answers, with no way of knowing which head is telling the truth, just Don't ask him his name. (Then again, there's nothing saying it's the same one lying every time.)
- Tzeentch's Chaos Marines come with an Egyptian motif, and plenty of psykers and Sorcerers. Aside from that Tzeentchian marines are usually warband leaders, their advisors or prominent ambitious champions wishing to become one. Many of them hold their dedication to the Architect in secret, if only to keep their advantage of god's favor over other marines - ambition after all is the big deal for them. Fully Tzeenchian warbands do exist, but they are usually comprised of complete madman who hear voices, see future, hear all the lies in the world (simultaneously), can shape-shift or mutate at will or have some other mind-blowing (sometimes literally) "gifts" from the Architect. It helps that Tzeentch is likely based on the Ancient Egyptian god Thoth.
- Tzeentch's viking followers are usually the outcasts and elders of the tribes of the Norsemen rather than being a united group. They like to rock the "evil wizard" look with hooded cloaks and sacrificial daggers to compliment their tentacles and 3 faces on one head.
- The name Tzeentch was originally going to be "Thence" of Change (which is a six letter anagram of Tzeentch) the TZ was latter added and the name reworked at the suggestion of John Blanche returning from holiday in Tanzania, where he saw a Blue feathered bird preforming tricks at the request of a tribal priest named Tuz Tuz.
- Tzeentch is likely inspired by the Ancient Egyptian god Thoth. Thoth was the bird-headed god of writing, science and magic; remember what Tzeentch's Greater Daemons look like.
- A little-known fact: Tzeentch is anon.
- Tzeentch was responsible for the Great Depression and the 2008 financial crisis. Also, the First Gulf War? That was him too.
- Tzeentch does it for the lulz.
- You know when your first puppy died? Tzeentch did that too.
- Tzeentch (much like Sly Marbo) knows and sees everything; thusly, he sees you masturbate and knows what fantasies you're having. And he laughs at you (again, much like Sly Marbo).
- Khorne is Tzeentch's favorite victim for hijinks because Khorne is very easy to string along.
- Slaanesh is Tzeentch's second favorite victim for his hijinks, because Slaanesh's desire for a new high makes him/her/it very easy to string along.
- Starscream is a servant of Tzeentch; he's got a huge amount of ambition. Too bad that Tzeentch won't let him succeed until he actually forms a plan instead of just saying "I am the new leader!" if Megatron so much as sneezes.
- Tzeentch is the god of hope among other things, yet he's a lot less friendly than the god of despair. Probably because most every being in the universe has had their fair share of despair and has learned to cope with it, while hope tends to show up just before you get ground into the dirt again. When the Despair-god comes knocking, you open a bottle and sigh, when the hope god shows up, you immediately wonder how you're going to get raped this time.
- Tzeentch has only ever truly lost to two beings: Creed and a little kitten wearing a silver banana armour.
- Tzeentch is a very morky god due to the fact he could set in motion a string of events that could lead to a lasgun in the back of the head when you aren't looking.
- Tzeentch is the only contestant to ever be banned from entering Deal or No Deal after winning $1,000,000 7 times in a row.
- During their early days, Tzeentch once put on a magic show for the 3 other Chaos gods. Among the 3, Khorne asked Tzeentch how he made Nurgle's Plaguefather disappear and reappear beside Slaanesh before their very eyes, which Tzeentch refused to tell and responded with "A good magician never reveals his tricks.", which caused Khorne to burn with unfathomable rage. To this day, Khorne still loathes magic and anyone who uses them, which became evident when the World Eaters killed all their Psykers when they defected to Chaos. Like always, Tzeentch just said "Just as planned".
- Tzeentch is slightly pissed over the fact how his only representation in DoW are the Pink Horror daemons and the Chaos Sorcerer, unlike Khorne who gets Berzerkers, Chaos Marines chant "Skulls for the Skull Throne!" on attack and how he got an epic unit, the "Bloodthirster" and the fact that he has two Chaos Lords dedicated to him and the fact that his legion shows up in Winter Assault as one of the primary opponents, Khorne then goes on to get Bloodletters, Bloodcrushers, The Chaos Lord, who is the best damn commander in the game (though the Warboss has funnier dialogue) in DoW II, while in contrast, he's stuck with the sorcerer and his marines aren't even Rubrics. Still, better than Slaanesh, who only ever got the Emperor's Children default color scheme throughout the entire series. But now Slaanesh is getting Noise Marines in Retribution, which are sorta like SM Plasma Cannon Devastators. All Tzeentch gets are marks for certain units, which turns everyone of them into tank/infantry raping death machines, especially the generic marines.
- However, in DOWII, Tzeentch is still reveling in the fact how he got Scott McNeil to voice the generic Chaos sorcerers again. HOWEVER!!!, the Sorcerer's voice then became more soft, monotonous and unenthusiastic, which GREATLY angered Tzeentch.
- Tzeentch appears to be GW's least favorite of the Chaos Gods, his units tend to be the worst out of the four chaos gods, his stuff gets the least amount of attention, and the least amount of fluff written for him. Hell, there's often cases where despite magic/psykic powers being his specialty, Nurgle and/or Slaanesh give a better selection than he does.
- Some people play chess with reality and manipulate events and people like chess pieces, others play pool/billiards with it, moving things along like a cue ball and cue stick, others play poker with the universe, bluffing and cajoling things to receive favorable outcomes, other play roulette with the cosmos, making all the little movements needed for that lucky roll. But Tzeentch, Tzeentch does it all at once in the nightmarish game of Paradox Poker-Pool-Roulette-Chess or PPPRC, a game that only a true master of dickery and the ability to perceive the past, future, and present can really play without looking like a massive tool.
- Every Saturday night, Tzeentch gets together with the the Deceiver, Cegorach, and the Emperor for a rousing game of paradox poker-billiards-chess-roulette. The sheer amount of dickery and JUST AS PLANNED that goes on during these games is so vast that if you were to watch one of these games, your head would 'asplode into a shower of Necrons, Daemons, Eldar, and SPESS MEHREENS!. Even Khorne is afraid to watch one of these games for fear of his head's un...asplodedness... Nobody ever wins though, (mainly because the Emperor take too long on his turns). Creed was banned from these tournaments after infiltrating Aces/Warhound class titans into the games one too many times.
- Tzeentch's favorite characters in Mortal Kombat are Quan Chi, Shinnok and Shang Tsung. Though Tzeentch favors Quan Chi more than the other two due to him being (arguably) the most manipulative bastard in all of Mortal Kombat. Hell, he is mostly responsible for almost all the events that happened. In fact, Quan Chi is considered the most untrustworthy character in all of Mortal Kombat considering that he has chronic backstabbing disorder, constantly lies and never fulfills his promises.
- Tzeentch's favorite Black Library novel is "A Thousand Sons". This is mostly because he relishes over the fact that he is such a magnificent bastard for all the things he did in said novel.
- Tzeentch created C.S. Multilazor to specifically troll Khorne's fluff.
- Tzeentch has planned everything you do, even this. Who knows what this article is distracting you from? Tzeentch does because he's why you're here. Woah! Where do you think you're going? You're leaving, eh? 'Just as planned'...
- Tzeentch didn't write this article. But he set in motion every single event that contributed to it. Yes. Even this specific author's decision to write this paragraph.
- The one place Tzeentch is afraid to go is the Well of Eternity; he believes that it is the beginning and end of the universe. He was wrong, it is where Sly Marbo lives. To find out what was in there, he sent in expeditions of Lords of Change and Horrors but they never came back out. Finally he just grabbed Kairos Fateweaver, his vizier, and threw him in. Due to lots and lots of Just as planned Fateweaver survived but was horribly disfigured. Marbo slapped himself for letting that one get away and forced himself to keep doing pushups until a planet the size of Jupiter was split in half as self discipline.
- The Warcraft and Starcraft franchises' existence are both Tzeentch's doing, he is the one that caused GW to turn down Blizzard's initial offer to make an RTS game. When Fateweaver was interrogated about why Tzeentch did that, the lying head dodged the question and the truth telling one said that there was no reason. Or did it.....
- Created Facebook....regretted it instantly but managed to troll the whole planet by making them buy Oculus Rift, no real logic just to fuck up Oculus's release schedule - It worked just as Planned!
- Contrary to what many would assume, Tzeentch is terrible at RTS games because he can never focus on one goal for a long enough period of time to focus on winning, or least that's the reason he claims why he lost at Supreme Commander to an illiterate Ork that did nothing but hit random keys the entire game.
- Tzeentch claims that Snowflame was his doing, arguing who else could be insane enough to create such a character. Slaanesh claims that Tzeentch is lying and that Snowflame is his/her/its doing, but Tzeentch points out that Slaanesh is also a liar, meaning that nobody knows who is lying.
- Tzeentch's realm is guarded by a labyrinth that can only be passed by the mad. It was only defeated once, by a little girl with a small black dog, and even Tzeentch doesn't know how because the guardians refuse to discuss it. This is canon.
- Tzeentch invented Scrappy Doo because he was bored.
- Tzeentch was the first being to create the Death Note. Possibly the one who made the idea of it all and gifted this to the Shinigami themselves.
- Since Tzeentch achieves his goals by having his many plans constantly foil each other and benefiting from the fallout of said foiled plans, this makes him one of the few beings who achieves Just As Planned as a direct consequence of Not as Planned. Depending on how you think about it, this means Tzeentch could technically be considered a god of both.
- If the Deceiver and Tzeentch battle and the Deceiver wins Tzeentch actually wins in disguise. and vice versa. and this effect is cumulative. therefore an unending cycle of win or don't win is created there are currently over 9000 such cycles in existence
- Tzeentch has a pet cat that is both alive and dead.
- Tzeentch can be defeated with the following train of logic.
- You: So Tzeentch, you are a god of chaos?
- Tzeentch: Yes.
- You: So you would say that you are completely unpredictable?
- Tzeentch: Yes.
- You: So that means it is predictable that you will be unpredictable?
- Tzeentch: ...
- Tzeentch is the reason the internets hyperlinks are Blue.
- Thousand Sons
- Ballad of the Thousand Sons
- Thousand Son and Guardswoman
- The Game (Tzeentch)
- Rubric Marines
|This article contains PROMOTIONS! Don't say we didn't warn you.|
|The Chaos Gods of Warhammer 40,000 and Warhammer Fantasy|
|Four Main Chaos Gods:||Khorne - Nurgle - Slaanesh - Tzeentch|
|Other Gods of Chaos:||Archaon - Horned Rat - Malal - Necoho - Zuvassin|
|Chaos Gods of Law:||Alluminas - Arianka - Solkan the Avenger|