Valkia the Bloody

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The original Valkyrie of Chaos.

"I tell you that neither eating, drinking, nor sleep has as much savor for me as to hear the cry 'Forwards!' from both sides, and horses without riders shying and whinnying, and the cry 'Help! Help!', and to see the small and great fall to the grass at the ditches and the dead pierced by the wood of the lances decked with banners."

– Bertran de Born

Valkia the Bloody is a character from Warhammer who happens to be the single most badass female Viking ever. Badass enough that even Khorne's got a hard-on for her. And anyone with a muscle fetish. Difference is that the latter people will just have to put up with being plowed by an angry demon-woman with wings in hot, sweaty hatesex.

She also happens to be the closest thing the Warhammer world has to a Valkyrie, which is a big thing in Norse mythology. They're the one ones who pick out who gets to die and join the Blood God in the halls of the afterlife where they can fight for eternity. And yes, we already know how unsubtle it is about Khorne being Odin.


See, once she was just a badass viking chick. And considering that vikings here are already, like, 40% Testosterone at birth, that's a serious lot of manly. She got her first taste of battle being a shield-maiden as a child and found she liked it. As she grew up, she found herself liking war and hating her father's increasing willingness for peace, eventually killing him and taking over the tribe, with one of Valkia's two childhood friends taking the fall for her father's death. So this accounted, she killed a bunch of other chaos champions, which is the closest thing the Norse have to consenting, heterosexual sex in the missionary position for the sole purpose of procreation. She later met the leader of another tribe who worshiped Khorne and he introduced Valkia to his faith. She really liked the Khornate faith and respected the man, so after awhile the two married. Then she started to lose respect for him because he wanted to be the boss (yes, the "stay in the kitchen" argument). Valkia disagreed, then one day felt like becoming a mother so she got him drunk, banged him (apparently whiskey dick isn't a thing in the Warhammer world) and got pregnant with two daughters.

Shortly after becoming a father, he revealed that he wanted sons and didn't think much of his daughters (that's right, we're also doing the "heir club for men" trope). Valkia decided this was a prime subject to troll him about and did so often - especially in front of his bros, which eventually got him so mad he tried to kill her. She offed the unfortunate fool and ruled his tribe as a single mother and a warqueen (somehow doing a good job of both at the same time) while her girls became women. Though neither served Khorne like their mother did, one of them got smitten with an up-and-coming young warrior in the tribe while the other decided to remain single (between her and Valkia, we know what you're thinking; something something "don't need no man").

After this, Valkia's tribe was visited by Locephax, a Daemon Prince of Slaanesh who sought to plunder him some ass; Valkia's and her daughters' to be precise. While her daughters started to succumb to the daemon's beguilement, Valkia's Khornate faith enabled her to resist Locephax's powers. She responded by killing him in a duel, cutting his head off, and mounting it on her shield. LIKE A BOSS. Oh, and the head's still alive and trash-talked her.

Don't fap to her, she'll cut your dick off. Probably use it as a spear, also. Lol you wish it was that long

So Valkia decided to go up north with some of her warriors to see Khorne and present the shield with severed head to him, leaving her daughters to rule the tribe in her absence. Despite being a badass, she trips at the finish line and dies after she is crushed by the weight of her muscles because lolchaos. And this made Khorne blow his load (both figuratively AND literally), so explosively that it literally brought her back to life and then turn her into a demonic valkyrie who judges who shall live and who shall die while reducing Locephax to a hypnotic shield that Valkia can use in battle to disorient her enemies. Oh, and be Khorne's personal stress management resource when Slaanesh starts laughing about Khorne's killhatemurder homosex club.

When she left Khorne's realm and returned to the world, she turned her last living loyal soldier (who was pretty much Ephilates from 300 but without the treachery) into a Chaos Lord of Khorne which fixed his physical handicaps while hooking him up with an awesome axe, Chaos armor and a Juggernaut mount. On the way back home, she learned that things had gone to pot in her absence. Her tribe was fractured due to the scheming of other tribes and traitors within her own. Those loyal to Valkia were getting killed or annexed into other tribes while her married daughter was murdered in her sleep while pregnant with the killer cutting the baby out of her and the surviving daughter now hated Valkia. After killing some Dwarfs in a gruesome ritual called the Blood Raven (another viking reference, this one just a grimdark in real-life as it is in Warhammer), she returned to her tribe to try and fix things. Naturally, this involved Valkia killing a lot of people, sadly including her own surviving daughter, who challenged Valkia to a duel because she now considered her mother an Abbadon-tier screw-up.

If her mini doesn't give you a massive metal boner, you're a lost cause.

Over time Valkia regained control of her tribe and threw away anything other than serving Khorne as a leader and Chaos Valkyrie. She also appeared to Archaon in his quest to become Everchosen after he got the ultimate Mark of Chaos, where she killed a black dragon and the Dark Elf Sorceress riding it.

In the End Times she led a Khornate army alongside Skarbrand to attack Naggaroth, smashing through the watchtowers and Ghrond's army, making it to the gates of the capital city Naggarond. She and Kouran, who led the defense of Naggarond in Malekith's absence, dueled but it was a stalemate. She was defeated by Malekith and his dragon in combat but managed to survive. Sadly, she goes out like a chump in End Times: Archaon, accidentally impaling herself on Ludwig Schwarzhelm's standard pole as she runs him through with her spear (there's a sex joke in there somewhere).

As a Daemon Prince though, this was merely a setback and she came back complete with ruling her own version of Valhalla in Age of Sigmar. I guess this makes her Chaos Freya or something. When not busy with either killing or with her husband, she is known to accept challenges to mortal combat from worthy mortals trying to prove their mettle to the boss.

The Champions and Lords of the Warriors of Chaos
From Warhammer Fantasy Battle
Aekold Helbrass - Arbaal the Undefeated - Archaon - Beorg Bearstruck - Bödvarr Ribspreader
Egrimm van Horstmann - Festus the Leechlord - Feytor - The Glottkin - Gutrot Spume
Haargroth - Harald Hammerstorm - Kayzk the Befouled - Krell - Maggoth Lords - Melekh
Sayl the Faithless - Scyla Anfingrimm - Sigvald the Magnificent - Skarr Bloodwrath - Slambo
Styrkaar of the Sortsvinaer - Tamurkhan - Thorgar the Blooded One - Throgg - Valkia the Bloody
Valnir - Vardek Crom - Vandred - Vilitch the Curseling - Wulfrik the Wanderer
From Age of Sigmar
Garrek Gorebeard - Korghos Khul - Magore Redhand
Marakarr Blood-Sky - Vorgaroth the Scarred - Vortemis the All-Seeing
The Daemons of Chaos
Khorne mark.png 220px-Nurgle Symbol.png Slaanesh mark.png 934501-tzeentch mark.png Hornedratsymbol.jpg Chaosundivided.png
Greater Daemons: An'ggrath
Shalaxi Helbane
Amon 'Chakai
Kairos Fateweaver
Lesser Daemons: Karanak
Horticulous Slimux
The Masque
Syll Lewdtongue
The Changeling
The Blue Scribes
Daemon Princes: Angron
Valkia the Bloody
Magnus the Red Skreech Verminking Be'lakor