Valkia the Bloody
"I tell you that neither eating, drinking, nor sleep has as much savor for me as to hear the cry 'Forwards!' from both sides, and horses without riders shying and whinnying, and the cry 'Help! Help!', and to see the small and great fall to the grass at the ditches and the dead pierced by the wood of the lances decked with banners."
— Bertran de Born
Valkia the Bloody is a character from Warhammer who happens to be the single most badass female Viking ever. Badass enough that even Khorne's got a hard-on for her. And anyone with a muscle fetish. Difference is that the latter people will just have to put up with being plowed by an angry demon-woman with wings in hot, sweaty hatesex.
She also happens to be the closest thing the Warhammer world has to a Valkyrie, which is a big thing in Norse mythology. They're the one ones who pick out who gets to join the gods in the halls of the afterlife where they can feast/train for the final battle/do both at once for eternity. And yes, we already know how unsubtle WHFB/AoS is about Khorne being Odin.
See, once Valkia was just a badass viking chick. And considering that vikings here are already, like, 40% Testosterone at birth, that's a serious lot of manly. So this accounted, she killed a bunch of other chaos champions, which is the closest thing the Norse have to consenting, heterosexual sex in the missionary position for the sole purpose of procreation. She met the leader of another tribe who worshipped Khorne and the two formed a bond. He introduced Valkia to the exclusive worship of Khorne, and over time the two became close (respecting each other's warrior prowess). Valkia married him and had two daughters with him, at which point the story turned into an aesop about sexism; he suddenly wanted sons and wanted Valkia to give up her warrior ways. It got to the point that he challenged her to a duel to the death with predictable results.
Some time past and her daughters grew up into beautiful badass women like their mother. One was courted by a powerful champion and another had no interest in marriage. One day the tribe had a visitor: Locephax, a Daemon Prince of Slaanesh under 'human' guise. Unbeknown by Valkia, he had come to plunder himself some fine ass and he wanted her and her daughters for his perverse desires and personal harem, so he cranked up the charm to eleven. Unbeknown by Locephax, Valkia's worship of Khorne rendered her immune to his demonic charms and she responded with an impromptu duel to the death, cut his head off, and mounted it on her shield. LIKE A BOSS. Oh, and the head's still alive.
Quickly getting fed up with Locephax' bullshit, Valkia decided to go up north to see Khorne and present the head (and shield) to him in person, so she headed straight from the northern warpgate. Despite being a badass, she tripped at the finish line and died after being crushed by the weight of her muscles because lolchaos (and some treachery from some of her followers who weren't as ballsy as she was and wanted to take over the tribe in her absence). This made Khorne blow his load (both figuratively AND literally). This load was so explosive that it literally brought her back to life and then turned her into a demonic valkyrie who would judge who shall live and who shall die. Oh, and be Khorne's personal stress management resource when Slaanesh starts laughing about Khorne's killhatemurder homosex club.
She found the one guy who didn't die or turn on her and hooked him up with a Juggernaut of Khorne mount and promoted him to Chaos Lord. Then she went back to her tribe to bring them under the heel of Khorne and repay the traitors. Things got worse when she found out that one of her daughters, the more reasonable, less bloodthirsty daughter, had been murdered - drugged and disembowled while heavily pregnant with no sign of the baby. Valkia's surviving daughter was hunting down whoever killed her sister and also didn't think her mother was fit to rule the tribe anymore, thus was surprised when Valkia returned. In a fashion not unsurprising for Khorne worshippers, Valkia avenged her murdered daughter by ripping the killer and all the collaborators to pieces. After tying up that loose end, she killed her surviving daughter in a challenge for leadership. (Which doesn't really make sense since she wasn't exactly interested in being a single's tribe leader after her ascension, but yeah...) At some point she developed an interest in fighting Dwarves and led her tribe in smashing open a fortress and mutilating the defenders. She also has a cameo in the retconned version of Archaon's quest for the Six Treasures of Chaos, soloing a Dark Elf Sorceress and dragon while Archaon was trying to consecrate a shrine to the Chaos Gods.
In the End Times she led a Khornate army alongside Skarbrand to attack Naggaroth, smashing through the watchtowers and Ghrond's army, making it to the gates of the capital city Naggarond. She was defeated by Malekith and his dragon in combat but managed to survive. Sadly, she goes out like a chump in End Times: Archaon, accidentally impaling herself on Ludwig Schwarzhelm's standard pole as she runs him through with her spear (there's a sex joke in there somewhere).
As a Daemon Prince though, it was merely a setback and she came back complete with ruling her own version of Valhalla in Age of Sigmar. I guess this makes her Chaos Freya or something. When not busy with either killing or with her husband, she is know to accept challenges to mortal combat from worthy mortals trying to prove their mettle to the big boss.
|The Champions and Lords of the Warriors of Chaos|
| Arbaal the Undefeated - Archaon - Egrimm van Horstmann - Festus the Leechlord - Feytor |
The Glottkin - Haargroth - Harald Hammerstorm - Krell - Melekh - Sigvald the Magnificent
Styrkaar - Valkia the Bloody - Valnir - Vardek Crom - Vilitch the Curseling - Wulfrik the Wanderer