Vance Motherfucking Stubbs
"I am not afraid of an army of lions led by a sheep. I am afraid of an army of sheep led by a Lion."
- – Alexander the Great
He's Vance. Motherfucking. Stubbs. An Imperial Guard general and total badass from Dawn of War: Soulstorm and the only character introduced in the expansion anyone unironically likes, despite having arguably the worst voice actor (his performance is just bad, and not with enough ENGRISH or ham to be unintentionally funny like Boreale or Carron). This is mostly because his competition is a Necron Lord with some of the most obnoxious robo-mummy asthma ever who clearly wants to be as cool as Thomas Maccabee but isn't, the wussiest Khornate lord to have ever disgraced the Blood God, a bald brother genericus with a dumb accent, a Cannoness whose entire personality is "is a Sister of Battle", a Farseer with an especially annoying high pitched voice that makes her sound like she's actually two preteen Eldar girls with one sitting on the other's shoulders so they can pretend to be an adult like some cartoon, a painfully generic Archon with a stupid hat, and "I can't believe it's not Shas'O'Kais" but with the added tendency to go into melodrama of a bad anime protagonist. He's the most badass Governor General....ever....well maybe at tie with General Sturnn who's equally awesome, but wasn't a governor.
About the Motherfucker
Vance Motherfucking Stubbs leads the 252nd Kaurava Conservator Regiment for the Imperial Guard in the game. He is armed (apparently like every other Command Squad leader in the Galaxy) with a set of Power Claws and a Bolter strapped to his arm. He may also, in fact, have a Thunder Hammer for a penis, but his harem of lovers were all too exhausted to comment on the matter.
The entire Imperial Guard campaign featuring him is sheer AWESOME. When the player chooses to play as the Imperial Guard in Soulstorm, then it is written in the army selection menu that Stubbs recently transferred before the Kaurava Hijinks that resulted in nearly every single force to appear in the Kaurava System. The Guard, like any player controlled army, starts with one region (in the Guard's case is the Dussala Precinct). Mind you, compared to the other forces that come to the system, the 252nd Conservator Regiment is at that time underpowered, with low morale and simply sucks. Stubbs therefore whips them with sheer manliness (and a series of reforms) turning the 252nd back into a fighting force that shouldn't be trifled with and proceeds to
re-conquer the system one region at a time Lose to DA ORKZ. With the release of DoW3, it has been confirmed that the Orkz under Gorgutz 'Ead 'Unter were the canonical victor. Yes, we're not quite sure what happened either. WUT 'APPENED? WE IS ORKS AND YOU IS NOT, UMMIE, DAT'S WUT 'APPENED!
If the Guard is victorious in the conflict, then the system is revitalized as Stubbs commissions multiple projects that rebuilds the worlds and improves their industrial capabilities. Additionally the planets become militarized due to the large number of newly constructed military academies that produce superior regiments that are second only to the Kasrkins trained at Cadia's Kasrs (a impressive feat considering that Kasrkins are elite even by Tempestus Scions/Storm Trooper standards).
The Emperor protects indeed.
Worth mentioning is the attack on the Ecclesiarchy controlled Sama District. Stubbs knew well that it didn't matter how much he and his men would make amends, the Regiment would never be free from being suspected by the Sisters, as the Warpstorm over Kaurava IV happened on Vance's watch. Not to mention that even if they did repent, the Sisters of Battle of the Order of The Sacred Rose would make them do so with excessive amounts of flamers and purging. Vance had no other option in this case. Stubbs refused any of these accusations and thought himself and his men not responsible for the whole mess, thus he did something that was crazy enough to work...mainly to march into the Sama District in full-force and simply conquer the place. And if the Guardsmen are victorious, then Vance will utter a speech that the Emperor was with the Conservators this day.
The whole losing 100 Baneblades thing
When facing the Imperial Guard at their stronghold in Dawn of War: Soulstorm, Stubbs' Commissar informs him that all 100 of the Baneblades that would have been available to defend had just been sent off to help the Imperial Guard elsewhere in the Kaurava system, and any more Baneblades that are needed will have to be constructed via a series of pieces sent out by supply Rhinos. This absurdity of simply "losing" 100 Baneblades has spawned a number of jokes amongst players, mostly associating him with being "Tactically incompetent" as opposed to Creed's "Tactical Genius". (Speaking of tactical genius it may be worth mentioning that shortly after this incident Abaddon was run over by a column of Baneblades he found stuffed in his mailbox) Also it can be disregarded as Chaos Propaganda started by
Alpha Legion Chaos Marines *BLAM!!!* CHAOS SPACE MARINES THAT DO NOT EXIST!!
However, there have been rumors that the Baneblades never left, but they were hidden by Creed, or perhaps taken by the Blood Magpies ( IT IS THE BAAAAAAANNNNEEBLAAAAAAADEEE ). Adding on top of this, Baneblades are supposed to be rare (with three per regiment being the average), made only at major Forge Worlds. Fortunately for the Imperium, the in-game background for Stubbs's Baneblades is that the invasions and mass destruction miraculously uncovered the rather terrifying (for the enemy) fact that at least half of the entire supercontinent city of Kaurava I is in fact built on top of a continent-sized manufactorum, probably from the Great Crusade, devoted to the mass-production of Baneblades.
This enabled Stubbs to roll out more Baneblades in a month than Forge Worlds (individually, of course) produce in a century. Best of all, the fact you can build more manufactorums in-game suggests that the Mechanicus could probably mass-produce the factories, too. With the pacified Tomb World nearby to draw in the Mechanicus plus the carrot Stubbs now has with the Baneblades and whatever other STC data uncovered (maybe Fellblades and other awesome stuff?), along with Stubbs's clear care for the little people, it is likely he could convince/trade for the Tomb World being studied and Forgeworld-ified by various important Forge Worlds, giving him access to their unique data (such as Executioners and Vanquisher cannons). Sure, the individual Forge Worlds never share anything, but then, none of them have had the technological buffet on a scale Vance does to bargain with. That, and he doesn't seem the sort to give a crap about keeping tech to himself. Then he can happily send copies to every Forge World if he can pay captains to visit. Then the Imperium wins by default. Regardless, Vance Motherfucking Stubbs is seen as one of the most awesome Imperial Guard generals because of his calm, stern voice, even when his army is on the brink of defeat.
Relic never bothered to announce who actually canonically won the Kaurava conflict Scratch that; Orkz were the victors, see above. - only that it sure as the Warp wasn't the Space Marines. Hence, many players simply accepted the fact that Stubbs won the war because of his utter badassery that no other character was able to posses. And also the rumors that he found the 100 Baneblades again and used his variation taktikul jinyas to deep strike said Baneblades into the main bases of armies. We would have said Indrick Boreale was the canon winner of the Kaurava conflict - if only he didn't screw it up by canonically losing horribly.
Alas, as it turns out he wasn't quite badass enough to stand up to Gorgutz' WAAAGH, which was able to defeat him and force him to retreat from Kaurava. Given the fact that Gorgutz got bored and left the Kaurava system for Acheron some time afterward, one can only hope Stubbs took advantage of the ensuing Ork civil war to reclaim the system, just as he swore he would.
But at least we know what happened to the 100 Baneblades: Gorgutz krumped them.
What is truly stunning about Vance Motherfucking Stubbs is the intense humanity he exhibits; whilst almost every commander in Soulstorm was poorly developed or simply pants-on-head retarded, Stubbs was comparatively sympathetic - determined to win back his regiment's good name in the eyes of the Emperor and who strove to make sure the sacrifices of his men weren't for nothing, and was determined to restore honour to his unit, heedless of what heretical scum would stand in their way. He shows manly rage at the tortures the Dark Eldar subjected captured soldiers to, and unlike Aleksander, who panicked in Dark Crusade when Eliphas sent him telepathic messages, Stubbs gritted his teeth and shrugged it off, spurring his men onwards towards their objective in an effort to shove a formation of METAL BOXES up Carron's ass.
Few men approach the manliness level of Vance Motherfucking Stubbs. The only ones that do are all Imperial. It says a lot.
Stubbs also has a fucking awesome name. Few, if any, in the 41st Millennium can approach that level of awesomeness, even
"Holt". *BLAM* *SLAP* COMMISSAR Holt!
Vance is also as badass, to inspire a single guardsman to noscope one shot a living saint in SS (see the video for lulz that'd make the Avatar of Khaine that the ultrasmurfs killed go 'Ha... like a bitch'). Further lulz includes the Chaos Stronghold Defeat where we see Vance's four (Literally!) Imperial Guardsmen one-shotting pretty much every Chaos-worshipping faggot in the area, as well as Vance himself, balls-slapping the failure of a Chaos Lord, Firaeveus Carron. This shows how badass and cool Vance Motherfucking Stubbs is and how his very presence can turn the Guardsmen's standard-issue balls-of-steel into Adamantium-tipped power-balls that would be so heavy they could bitch-slap a Titan if they so need it.
Additionally, Vance is not only a motherfucker himself, but a pragmatic motherfucker. On his siege on the Tau special moon base, Vance ordered his men that instead of destroying the Space Commie Cannon (giant ass cannon in Soulstorm that destroys advanced life forms but saves the trees...) he thought it would be much more practical to use it against those cunt-face blueberries. The work paid off as Vance and his men hilariously start to pile drive the Tau with their own technology as those space weeaboos start to shit their grey-ass; before pussy whipping the Tau Ethereal in front of the Tau Commander stationed at the moon. Instead of actually destroying any further Tau technology, to prove how much of a pragmatist he is, the motherfucker-in-chief decides to hoard some Xeno relics as bargaining tools for the Ordo Xenos and other similar Imperial groups in order to gain the upper hand to protect the prestige of his men. What a motherfucker.
Also on his defeat of the Eldar, he was reported to have secretly boned Caerys to the point of fucking her precognition which might explain why she constantly fails at her job, that or she might have accidentally tried to peek at Vance's mind only to see multiple images on his...ehem...'Thunderhammer' which may have promptly made her wet herself and lose all psychic concentration. Heck she may even secretly have joined Vance's harem of lovers as she wasn't canonically seen getting killed. Vance's harem possibly includes several chosen Guardswomen (Who are often left exhausted and near death after his 'regimental training'), an entire squad of Howling Banshees (He really makes them 'Howl' if you know what I mean...), several Dark Eldar Wyches (Even they admit that he's merciless as he brutally pulverizes them since they're Xenos and stuff) and even a couple of Sisters (Who have not immolated themselves but dropped their guns in awe as he gave them a new meaning to 'divine intervention'). But as usual, when asked about this potential Heresy Stubbs just shrugs off with a cool breeze as cold as Fenris before continuing his duty in obliterating the enemies of Man. The Emprah works in mysterious ways and Stubbs is no exception.
No, it isn't possible to say Vance Motherfucking Stubbs without 'Motherfucking' in the middle, or spelling it in all caps.
As of DoW3's release, the victor of Soulstorm was revealed to be none other than.... Gorgutz 'Ead 'Unter, rather than Vance Stubbs. This of course caused much RAGE at the release of the game, which coupled with the games radically different gameplay and lack of the Imperial Guard as a faction and generally being shit, only continued to divide people's opinion further. However, we do not know if Vance survived or was killed in combat, although given that he gets away to fight another day in his defeat outro, the former is more likely. What happened next is not clarified, so feel free to imagine whatever version of subsequent events you like.
Although, really, if anyone deserved to win by virtue of sheer awesomeness other than Stubbs, it was definitely Gorgutz. Plus let's be real, Gorgutz is a frequently reoccurring character while Vance Stubbs is a one off; narrative rules were on Gorgutz's side the moment he was confirmed for Dawn of War 3. Of course, Gorgutz doesn't exactly stick around after his victories, so it is entirely possible that after he fucked off to find the Spear of Khaine, Stubbs could have retaken the system with the Orks' leader gone. Although given that Stubbs' reputation would probably have been destroyed by his defeat, it's likely he was executed for incompetence and picking a fight with the Ecclesiarchy and Adeptus Astartes. Gorgutz's victory cutscene also states that Kaurava's Ork hordes will come to plague Ultima Segmentum for countless years to come, so it's unlikely that Stubbs would have been able to reclaim it, especially as Soulstorm happens towards the tail end of the 41st millennium where the Imperium is due for getting smacked by the rise of many major Necron Dynasties, WAAAGH! Ghazghkull, the arrival of Hive Fleet Leviathan, and the 13th Black Crusade almost simultaneously.
While true, it was also assumed by players that Vance was the winner. So, now players are left with two winners and two different endings both being true for the sake of DoW III having Gorgutz. *KRUMP* NO DEY DIDDNT! DEY JUS' SED DAT BOREALE GIT LOST! YA 'UMIE GITS KEEP SAYIN' DAT, BUT YOO NEVA SHOW US ENNY PROOF DAT DEY DID! 'SIDES, DERE'S DA STANDARD OV KAURAVA FINGY IN DoW 2 DAT SEZ WE WON!!
In all likelihood, the rumour probably started with BigDickCheney using the Imperial Guard as his faction of choice when he uploaded the Soulstorm stronghold defeat videos onto Youtube. While Thule was quickly declared the canonical winner of Dark Crusade, Relic was annoyingly silent for years after Soulstorm beyond saying that the winner wasn't the Blood Ravens in Dawn of War 2 and so the usual game of Chinese Whispers ended up becoming rock hard canon in the heads of fans despite the lack of proof. So much so that hints that Gorgutz was the actual winner stated in (admittedly easily missed) lore blurbs for items in Retribution went unnoticed until Relic made its answer impossible to ignore.
The whole mess was born out of a case of fans assuming something was true even though there was no real evidence for it and the people in charge of the official canon not bothering to correct them until the fanon was already entrenched. Stubbs winning at Kaurava was one of those "everyone knows!" things even though you'd be hard pressed to find even flimsy and indirect evidence of it happening anywhere in Dawn of War 2. The lesson to take away from this is that fans shouldn't assume something is true just because anons on the internet say it is, especially when the dev's have never supported this 'fact'.
Commissar, I would like to see this city built up again. I would like to see towers and spires of gleaming white. I would like to see our men on parade routes, not tours of duty! I WOULD LIKE TO SEE EVERY CITY ON THIS PLANET, EVERY COLONY ON THIS BESOTTED, MISERABLE SYSTEM TURNED TO THE SERVICE AND INDUSTRY OF THE IMPERIUM IN THE EMPEROR'S NAME!-(Ain't Stubbs an idealistic badass?)
In the Soulstorm campaign
Vance is your early melee tank who is able to protect your precious flashlight trooper from all kinds of nasty melee units like Ork Boyz, Assault Marines and Banshees. He can recruit 4 kinds of bodyguard such as Commissar, Warrior Priest, Pysker and Kasrkin Sergeant.
Commissar gives extra morale. Psyker gives detection to stealth units as well as their dangerous psychic abilities. Warrior Priest gives extra morale, speed and health(with the awesome ability to make Vance invincible if the your base has reached tier 3). The Kasrkin Sergeants is only available after Ibram's Vestment is unlock and it gives Vance extra 100 hp, 150 morale.
So in summary, if you want Vance to be a mega tank, you need to have every bodyguard as a Warrior Priest which not only gives Vance lots of health, but also allows Vance to use the Priest's invincibility 5 TIMES.
Though if you want Vance to be shooty, you needs to have all Kasrkin Sergeants (who are pretty cheap and fast to recruit by the way) and they will shoot everyone to shits with their advanced flashlights Hellgun.
Psyker's detection is kind of useless if Vance has the Targeting Optics wargear and it's psychic abilities is not really that useful since you rely on your flashlight troopers' dakka damage most of the time.
Commissar's extra morale isn't worth to recruit but it can put out some dakka and it does not requires Ibram's Vestment so it would be a early placement for Kasrkin Sergeants.
By the time Vance is fully upgraded, he can eat buildings and vehicles for breakfast and tanking relic units like the frigging Nightbringer toe to toe with his invincibility.
Now your Guardsmen can be led by this badass.
Vance "Motherfucking" Stubbs. Governor General of Kaurava: Vance Stubbs may replace the Company Commander of a Company Command Squad or the Tempestor Prime of a Militorum Tempestus Platoon Command Squad (in which case the Militorum Tempestus Platoon Command Squad becomes an HQ choice) for 110 points.
Warlord Trait: Bellowing Voice
- A Father to his Men: Every Astra Militarum model within Vance's Command Radius has +1 Leadership.
- Hatred (Tau)
- Ambidextrous: Vance Stubbs may fire both his Storm Bolter and his Plasma Gun during the shooting phase (he must still fire at the same target as his unit) or when firing overwatch.
- Voice of Command
- Senior Officer
- Plasma Gun
- Battle Claws: These are a pair of Master-Crafted Power Claws that grant +1 Strength.
- Storm Bolter
- Carapace Armour
- Bionics: Improves Vance's Toughness by 1 (already represented in his profile) and grants the Feel No Pain special rule.
- Macharian Cross: After deployment is complete (including deploying infiltrators and moving scouts) but before determining who has the first turn, any single infantry squad within 6” of Vance Stubbs may be redeployed up to 12” but otherwise must abide by all of the mission's deployment zones and rules.
- Ibram’s Vestment: Grants the Preferred Enemy special rule to friendly models within 12".
- Frag and Krak Grenades
- Melta Bombs
One fa/tg/uy's attempt to drag Vance Motherfucking Stubbs kicking and screaming (mostly kicking arse) into 8th Edition:
|Famous members of the Imperial Guard|
|Commissars:|| Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt - Commissar Ciaphas Cain |
Commissar Holt - Commissar Yarrick
|Senior Officers:|| Colonel Greiss - Colonel "Iron Hand" Straken - Knight Commander Pask |
Lieutenant-Colonel Mikail Leonid - Lord Castellan Ursarkar E. Creed
Lord Solar Macharius
|Junior Officers:||Captain Al'Rahem - Commander Kubrik Chenkov|
|Enlisted Guardsmen:|| Arden - Colour Sergeant Jarran Kell - Gunner Ferik Jurgen |
Mogul Kamir - Nork Deddog - Ollanius Pius - Sergeant Harker
Sergeant Lukas Bastonne - Sly Marbo
|From Dawn of War I:|| Colonel Carus Brom - General Sturnn |
Vance Motherfucking Stubbs - Governor-Militant Lukas Alexander
|From Dawn of War II:||Commissar Lord Bernn - Lord General Castor - Sergeant Merrick|